Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day

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Posted: Tue Dec 30, 2008 1:46 am

ChainYanker wrote:

Breaking news: purple squirrel sighted.

now thats slightlyoutofit LOL_sign

Baiting Guru Joined: 19 Mar 2007 Posts: 2628

BBC

so now we know why the economy is in dire straights, students frittering it away!

Posted: Wed Dec 31, 2008 10:16 pm

A SKYHOOK wrote:

ChainYanker wrote:

Breaking news: purple squirrel sighted.

now thats slightlyoutofit LOL_sign

bah, Germany has had purple cows for decades now

Baiting Guru Joined: 19 Mar 2007 Posts: 2628

Thor chases off burglar!
Daily Record

Posted: Fri Jan 02, 2009 6:40 pm

> Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies
>
> who worked as aircraft mechanics in DALLAS.
>
> One day the airport was fogged in and they were
>
> stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
>
> Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
>
> Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can
>
> drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"
>
> So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of
>
> high octane hooch and got completely smashed.
>
> The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised
>
> at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT!
>
> NO hangover!
>
> NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says,
>
> "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
>
> Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?" Jim
>
> says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
>
> Bud says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no
>
> hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."
>
> "Yeah, well there's just one thing."
>
> "What's that?"
>
> "Have you farted yet?"
>
> "No"
>
> "Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Denver." Laughing

Posted: Sat Jan 03, 2009 1:10 am

A little girl asked her father: 'How did the human race appear?'
The father answered, 'God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made.'
Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question. The mother answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'
The confused girl returned to her father and said,'Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mom said they developed from monkeys?'
The father answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your mother told you about hers.'
Razz

Posted: Sun Jan 04, 2009 6:02 am

Quote:

God

Quote:

Babelfish translation into Korean
신

Quote:

Back: Shoes

[/quote]

Posted: Mon Jan 05, 2009 4:46 pm

*** BANNED *** Joined: 18 Jul 2004 Posts: 2049

More military humour from my son-in-law the pilot.

Quote:

Military Joshing

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference... If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.

If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.

If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.

If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour."

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "yours is."

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!"
"Soldier , Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.

Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.

An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and a General were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The General shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave."

"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"

Posted: Wed Jan 07, 2009 10:47 pm

http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com/twilight

Baiting Guru Joined: 19 Mar 2007 Posts: 2628

So they travel across millions of miles of space, avoiding comets, asteroids, the space debris around us then dont spot a big metal pole?
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/lincolnshire/7817378.stm

Posted: Thu Jan 08, 2009 9:18 pm

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.?

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.?

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.?

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'?

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.?

No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.?

'Same,' says the ostrich.?

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'?

'That's brilliant' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'?

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.?

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'?

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say...

Posted: Fri Jan 09, 2009 5:41 am

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vk1gY0qyUvU
Here is a transcript of what she said if you get annoyed watching her video on how NOT to speak Japanese.

Quote:

Hello friends my name is Emily and I speak fluent Japanese as you may or may not have knowed. Therefore today I've decided to teach you some very intense and wonderful words of the wonderful language that is Japanese. Are you ready? Well even if you're not I'm going to be starting right now because I haven't got all day. Do you know what I mean? Are you down with that? Because I am. Anything the first word we're going to learn today is アニメ(Ah nee may- Animé). Can you say アニメ? I bet you can. Heck I just said it! Right there! Rewind a little bit. I said it! And I'm going to say it again. アニメ. And if you want to use that in a sentence you would say "I watch anime everyday."　私は毎日アニメ読みます。（Watashi wa mainichi anime yomimasu (Wah tah shee wah ah nee may yoh mee mahs). Because I know you do. Because you're a nerd and that's why you're on Youtube right now watching me, who sometimes acts like an animé character. Sometimes! But not all the time, especially not right now. The next word we're going to learn is apple. りんご（RingoーRーeeーnーgoh). Can you say apple? I'm sure you can! In Japanese apple is りんご。りんご。りんご。I love apples. My clothes are apples. And I'm sure you have apple clothes too! If you don't stop watching my video. 'Kay thanks 'bye. Anyway, if you're going to say apple in a phrase you would say "That cat just ate an apple!" "あの猫はりんごを食べましたよ!”（Ano neko wa ringo o tabemashita yo!- Ah noh neh koh wah ree n goh oh tah bay mash tah yoh).　That cat just ate an apple! Why was it eating an apple? Because that cat is on drugs. Stop feeding your cats pot brownies! That is not what cats should eat! They should eat apples like me everyday! Apple shirt, Apple computer, Apple username. That's cool! And sadly this is going to be the last word were learning today. Because like I said aint got that much time what you gonna do aboutz it. The last word were going to learn is shoe. And in Japanese you say "靴（Kutsu- Koo tsoo)" And this is a shoe! A white shoe! A shoe of the white variation. If you're going to descibe this shoe you would say in Japanese you would say: "この靴は白いです。(Kono kutsu wa shiroi desu! Koh noh ktsoo wah shee roy des) or This shoe is white! Like my skin! I'm so white that when I stand in front of a sheet of paper, people cannot tell where my body starts and ends! They're like holy god Emily you are a cracker white person. And I said yes I am. I'm ginger and proud! Is my hair really red? Who knows! It might be! I might've dyed it this color! Anyway guys it's been great teaching you these words today and I hope that you will continue your intense Japanese studies on your own. Or just email me and bother me about how you should learn the language. I love you guys! I have pretty intense day and this has been Emily. See you again soon!

Posted: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:36 pm

One out of every four people in this country is mentally unbalanced. Think of your 3 closest friends and if they seem okay, then you are the one. Laughing

Posted: Fri Jan 09, 2009 3:56 pm

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zdVoc8FXhz0&e

Nothing left to say. Laughing

Posted: Fri Jan 09, 2009 9:43 pm

Peanut wrote:

Nothing left to say. Laughing

In the voise of the late prof sund a miller why is it so

may be only the aussies will get this one Wink

*** BANNED *** Joined: 18 Jul 2004 Posts: 2049

The one thing I hate about horror movies is the stupidity of the victims. Usually some nubile semi-clad wench 'with points way up high' who, on a dark and rainy night when the electricity is cut off, goes into the dark basement with a candle to see what is happening. You find yourself screaming "No, don't go in there".

Well here's a welcome twist Laughing

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oq9tEi8FrAw

Posted: Sat Jan 10, 2009 8:12 pm

It must be getting warmer, the dog found the car back in the yard Wink

Wonder if it will start the first time, like this summer Laughing

Posted: Mon Jan 12, 2009 7:27 am

It might be seen as political, but he is no longer president, so it's just what one retired guy has made of his job.

The George W. Bush Presidential Library is now in the planning stages and accepting donations.

The Library will include:
the Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction;
the Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won't be able to remember anything;
the Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don't even have to show up;
the Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't let you in;
the Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you out;
the Weapons of Mass Destruction Room, which no one has been able to find;
the National Debt Room, which is huge and has no ceiling;
the Tax Cut Room, with entry only to the wealthy;
the Economy Room, which is in the toilet;
the Iraq War Room...after you complete your first visit, they make you go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth visit;
the Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with shotgun gallery;
the Environmental Conservation Room, still empty;
the Gift Shop, where you can buy an election;
the Men's Room, where you can meet some of your favorite Republican Senators; and
the Decision Room, complete with dart board, magic 8-ball, Ouija board, dice, coins, and straws.

The library will feature an electron microscope to help you locate and view the President's accomplishments.

The library will also display many famous quotes by George W. Bush:
'The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country';
'If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure';
'Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child';
'No senior citizen should ever have to choose between prescription drugs and medicine';
'I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy -- but that could change';
'One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared';
'Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things';
'I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future';
'The future will be better tomorrow';
'We're have the best educated American people in the world';
'One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures' (during an education conference);
'Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it';
'We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur';
'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it';
'I stand by all the misstatements that I've made'.

PLEASE GIVE GENEROUSLY!

Sincerely, Jack Abramoff Chair of
G.W. Bush Library Board of Directors

*** BANNED *** Joined: 18 Jul 2004 Posts: 2049

Not sure why I posted this . . . I just found it hilarious. I can only speculate as to the story behind it Laughing

Posted: Wed Jan 14, 2009 11:33 pm

If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down
>
> When you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever,
> first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.
>
> Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first
> date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date
> experience.
>
> There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
>
> She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold... And the guy had
> taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah .
>
> It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and
> had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful
> until they were headed home late that t afternoon.
>
> They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to
> realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about
> an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of
> nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for
> awhile. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there
> came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go
> beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.
>
> They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her
> pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing,
> so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.
> Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and
> indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could
> think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing
> nature of the situation.
>
> Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.
> As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her
> buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of
> tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to
> disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that
> she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold.
>
> Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she
> answered her date's concerns about' what is taking so long' with a
> reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some
> assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with
> her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst
> out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to
> compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical
> as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.
>
> Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks
> from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into
> the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there
> was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her
> first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the
> fender.
>
> As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize
> hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down. ' And you thought
> your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment...'This gives a
> whole new meaning to being pissed off.'
>
> Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was
> sitting next to her on the Leno show.
>
> If you laughed at this pass it on

Posted: Fri Jan 16, 2009 9:54 pm

Run, Slightly, run....

Posted: Sun Jan 18, 2009 12:12 am

A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while her Dad is reading the paper.

Where does poo come from?" she asks.

The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:

"Well you know we just ate breakfast?"

"Yes," answers the girl.

"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo."

The little girl looks shocked, and stares at him with watery eyes in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks:

"And Tigger?"

Posted: Sun Jan 18, 2009 2:01 am

^ Thanks, I never heard that one before.

Posted: Sun Jan 18, 2009 5:52 am

HAHAHAHA!!!!!!

ohhh left field!! great one!!

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