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 Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day

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Vampiremerchant
Terrible Joker


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3175
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Thu May 22, 2014 6:33 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A man frantically calls the hotel desk from his room on the 11th floor.

"Please come quick I'm having an arguement with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the hotel window."

The hotel manager replies, "Sir I'm afraid that's a domestic matter and the hotel and it's staff are obligated to not interfere."

The husband responds, "Like hell it's a domestic matter! This damn window won't open, and that sir is a hotel maintenance problem."

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Vampiremerchant
Terrible Joker


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3175
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Thu May 22, 2014 6:34 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Mrs. Smith found her husband hanging in his bedroom this morning.

There was a note on his bed which read, "I can't take the critism anymore."

Mrs. Smith quickly cut him down and managed to revive him.

As Mr. Smith lay in her arms and slowly opened his eyes, she said, "That's not how you spell criticism."

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Vampiremerchant
Terrible Joker


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3175
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Thu May 22, 2014 6:36 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."

Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.

He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way because tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."

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Vampiremerchant
Terrible Joker


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3175
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Thu May 22, 2014 8:10 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."

The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"

To which the first replies, "Whoa I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

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Vampiremerchant
Terrible Joker


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3175
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sat May 24, 2014 4:36 am Reply with quoteBack to top

(Under the age of 50? You won't understand.)

My mum used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread butter on bread on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.

Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in ice pack coolers, but I can't remember getting e. coli.

Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake or at the beach instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.

We all took PE ..... and risked permanent injury with a pair of Dunlop plimsolls, instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors that cost as much as a small car. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.

We got the cane for doing something wrong at school, they used to call it discipline yet we all grew up to accept the rules and to honour & respect those older than us.

We had 50 kids in our class and we all learned to read and write, do maths and spell almost all the words needed to write a grammatically correct letter......., FUNNY THAT!!

We all said prayers in school and sang the national anthem, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention.

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.

I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations. We weren't!!

Oh yeah ... and where was the antibiotics and sterilisation kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!

We played “King of the Castle” on piles of gravel left on vacant building sites and when we got hurt, mum pulled out the 2/6p bottle of iodine and then we got our backside spanked.

Now it's a trip to A & E, followed by a 10 day dose of antibiotics and then mum calls the lawyer to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.

To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family.

How could we possibly have known that?

We never needed to get into group therapy and/or anger management classes.

We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac!

And we seemed to get by on a single wage.

How did we ever survive?

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Vampiremerchant
Terrible Joker


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3175
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sat May 24, 2014 8:01 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Image

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My dear Brother , if I have to you to scam you, May the WROGHT of GOD be upon me and my generation
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Vampiremerchant
Terrible Joker


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3175
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Thu Jun 05, 2014 7:47 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Image

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Salting the Gold mine
Master of Master Baiters


Joined: 03 Jan 2014
Posts: 993
Location: Living next door to Alice


PostPosted: Mon Jun 23, 2014 8:11 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Thought of this this morning when I was walking the dogs.

What do you call a Russian scammer with asthma?

Vlad the inhaler.

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Thanks for the history,are you have now....what new version are we entry.perhaps the birth of Prince George junior and how Willie Kate Middleton made love and gave birth...o'h...o'h the queen is fight war in Afganistan...Lest i forget you made love to your ground mom last nite...Uncle tell me a knew story...are you happy now........Mr H0rn J3rry or was that Mr J3rry H0rn,I never really knew Smile
-------------------------------------------------
Look Mr Man,you must be a joker to think you can't' play smart with me I was just following you to see where you land.Stop contacting me you are just a fucking shucking [email protected]

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Vampiremerchant
Terrible Joker


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3175
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Tue Jun 24, 2014 3:00 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Roy Hodgson has announced a series of friendlies when the England team return from the World Cup.


They will start by playing the Iceland team, and if they beat them will then play teams from:-


Tesco, Asda and Sainsburys.

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TheFae
Groped by a wheelie bin


Joined: 15 Jun 2009
Posts: 14274
Location: Playing Space in the Street - DECENT!


PostPosted: Tue Jun 24, 2014 3:50 am Reply with quoteBack to top

What's red, and smells like blue paint?

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United KingdomCanadaIsle Of ManNigeria BeninFranceUnited StatesNetherlandsMalaysia TogoGhanaSouth AfricaUnited Arab EmiratesKorean Flag Saudi ArabiaBurkina FasoHong KongJapan
United NationsRussiaSpainChinaPortugal SwedenItalyIvory CoastCayman IslandsPanama GuernseySwitzerlandIrelandcameroon Iraq FlagTaiwan x 3,000+
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"This is really bad"
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Joker
*** BANNED ***


Joined: 26 Jul 2012
Posts: 1123


PostPosted: Wed Jun 25, 2014 1:48 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Image

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All warfare is based on deception - Sun Tzu, The Art of War
لئيم كافر
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Vampiremerchant
Terrible Joker


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3175
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Thu Jun 26, 2014 2:39 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Bill, Jim & Scott were at a convention together & were sharing
a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper.
After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that
the elevators in their hotel were broken & they would have to
climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.
Bill said to Jim & Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this
unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll
tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next
25 flights and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way."
At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes & Jim began to
sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing & Scott began to tell
sad stories.
"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room
key in the car!"

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redeyez69
Not quite a Newb


Joined: 14 Oct 2006
Posts: 30
Location: over the hills and far awayyyyy


PostPosted: Sat Jun 28, 2014 11:19 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

How to cross roads in Nigeria
Look right and left for vehicles and Okada, look up for possible falling aircraft, down for bombs or other explosive devices, look back for kidnappers / rapists, then walk, or better run zig-zag to avoid stray bullets.
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Vampiremerchant
Terrible Joker


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3175
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Thu Jul 03, 2014 4:22 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Image

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Ahmastin Geebougah
Master of Master Baiters


Joined: 13 Jan 2014
Posts: 698


PostPosted: Thu Jul 03, 2014 8:17 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Further to VM's post of 24 May, this is one I put together some years ago. (I'm a couple of decades older than VM Laughing):

GREETINGS AND CONGRATULATIONS

We were born at home under the tender care of the local midwife, to parents who smoked, drank, ate all the ‘wrong’ food, but who laboured hard to feed and clothe us and to ensure our futures;

We were laid to sleep in cots lined with lead-based paints - suffered from the most horrendous nappy rash brought on by terry napkins, survived epidemics of diphtheria, scarlet fever, TB and polio and were fed Ministry of Food cod liver oil, Virol and concentrated orange juice as a hedge against vitamin deficiency, and California Syrup of Figs to keep us regular;

Some of us spent night after night of our early lives in some hole in the ground listening to the sirens and the fire bells and the bombs and the answering ack-ack whilst the very air around us shook - and we still got to school on time the next morning;

We rode ramshackle bikes that we’d built or mended ourselves and would have died of shame if we’d been made to wear a stupid helmet!

We either rode our rickety bikes or walked - never got taken to school in a car
(perish the thought of ever being seen by our mates doing anything as pansy as that!);

If we were lucky enough to get the occasional ride in a car, we wouldn’t wear seatbelts - simply because there weren’t any. Best fun of all was riding in the back of a van - or even a pick-up, bouncing around like beans in a bucket;

We would share drinks with our mates, all drinking from the same bottle and not caring about catching horrible diseases;

We would catch horrible diseases - like impetigo or worms - by all drinking from the same bottle;

Nobody had thought it necessary to make medicine bottles, doors, cabinets or electrical sockets childproof - as for banning conkers ….!!

We ate red meat, stodgy suet puddings, chips cooked in animal fat, white bread and dripping and drank pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!

We would spend hours building carts out of old prams and scraps of wood, not realising until just before the crash at the bottom of the hill that we’d forgotten to fit any brakes;

We fished for newts and stickle-backs, cherished a jar full of frog's spawn and watched it turn into tadpoles and then baby frogs, made mud pies, had pockets full of worms, made ‘bozenarrers’ out of a bit of string and tree branches; played Tarzan by swinging on rope tied inexpertly to overhanging branches; got chased out of orchards;

We fell into rivers and streams; out of trees and off walls - and into beds of stinging nettles; we broke bones, got cut and grazed our knees, but although grown-ups would always tell us we’d lose eyes playing with ’bozenarrers’, it never happened - and lawsuits never followed from these accidents.

Remedies and cures and healing applications invariably tasted vile or stung like hell;

Any examples of excessive behaviour would be dealt with summarily by the beat constable or the nearest grown-up, who would then make sure our parents found out. Parental discipline would swiftly follow and would be draconian and usually painful;

if we were heard by a parent using bad language ('bloody' would have been enough') we really would get our mouths washed out with soap - usually carbolic, or if we were lucky, the milder Lifebuoy;

Our toothpaste - if our parents were rich enough to be able to afford it - would taste just like Lifebuoy soap;

Truly delinquent behaviour would result in a visit to the local Juvenile Court, which could ultimately lead to a none-too-brief or friendly sojourn in an ‘approved school’ or remand home;

Personal computers, mobile phones, digital TV, videos, DVDs, Playstations, I-pods, MP3, the Internet and chat-rooms hadn’t been invented. Neither had legions of marauding paedophiles -or central heating - which is why we were ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING! As long as we were home before dark, we were ok;

In sport we were expected to compete - there were actually winners and losers! If you were unfortunate enough to fall into the latter category, you would have to learn to deal with it yourself (’counselling’ hadn‘t been invented either). Imagine that!!

In later life we endured the rigours of National Service and faced the ultimate terror - the Nuclear stand-off;

We have lived through the bloodiest, most violent half-century in the history of Human Civilisation. The terrors we have faced and the pain and violence we have witnessed make the present antics of a few ramshackle fanatics seem like the Teddy-bears’ picnic!

From an early age we experienced - and learned to handle - fear, true grief, pain, cold and discomfort; we learnt the value of comradeship, responsibility, loyalty and moral strength and when we left school, we had been educated.

Because of all this we are strong! We are survivors!

Were you a child of the 40's or 50's? Then you, my friend, are one of us:

………………………..CONGRATULATIONS!

(You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids before the Whitehall incompetents, the self-serving lawyers, and the smug, puffed-up, social-engineering busy-bodies of the ‘Yuman Rites‘, ‘Political Correctness’ and ‘Elfin Safety’ brigades got their poisonous claws into us! - and whilst you are at it, forward it to your kids and grand-kids so they will know how special our generation was).
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Ahmastin Geebougah
Master of Master Baiters


Joined: 13 Jan 2014
Posts: 698


PostPosted: Thu Jul 03, 2014 9:03 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Ellen and her husband Bob went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Ellen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing
every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling
unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over
the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up,
walked around the desk and after asking Ellen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned
her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly,
while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!

Ellen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow
of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times
a week.. Can you do this?'

Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and
Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."
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agnomen
Baiting Guru


Joined: 16 Apr 2012
Posts: 2261
Location: Staring at my slice of ocean


PostPosted: Thu Jul 03, 2014 10:42 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

LMAO

I’m sure my wife of 26 years can empathise Rolling Eyes

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x5 Easter Egg 2013
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Joker
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Joined: 26 Jul 2012
Posts: 1123


PostPosted: Fri Jul 04, 2014 5:55 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Image

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All warfare is based on deception - Sun Tzu, The Art of War
لئيم كافر
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Vampiremerchant
Terrible Joker


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3175
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sat Jul 05, 2014 4:50 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Guess which Band I like.... Laughing

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Vampiremerchant
Terrible Joker


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3175
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sat Jul 05, 2014 4:51 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Image

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My dear Brother , if I have to you to scam you, May the WROGHT of GOD be upon me and my generation
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Vampiremerchant
Terrible Joker


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3175
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sat Jul 05, 2014 4:53 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Image

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My dear Brother , if I have to you to scam you, May the WROGHT of GOD be upon me and my generation
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Vampiremerchant
Terrible Joker


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3175
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sat Jul 05, 2014 4:55 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Image

_________________
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Closed lad accounts x 35 Easter Egg

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My dear Brother , if I have to you to scam you, May the WROGHT of GOD be upon me and my generation
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Vampiremerchant
Terrible Joker


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3175
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sat Jul 05, 2014 4:55 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Image

_________________
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Closed lad accounts x 35 Easter Egg

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My dear Brother , if I have to you to scam you, May the WROGHT of GOD be upon me and my generation
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agnomen
Baiting Guru


Joined: 16 Apr 2012
Posts: 2261
Location: Staring at my slice of ocean


PostPosted: Sat Jul 05, 2014 5:10 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Clicky Very Happy

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Closed lad accounts x44

Closed lad accounts x21 from 1st bait and counting Sand Timer Sand Timer Sand Timer Sand Timer Apr 2012 - present 4 years months (includes 3 month hiatus due to boredom) "circling in one circle over one year now something must be going wrong”
x5 Easter Egg 2013
Mortar x1
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Vampiremerchant
Terrible Joker


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3175
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sat Jul 05, 2014 6:11 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

^^^

So true........ Laughing

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