Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day

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Posted: Sun May 04, 2014 7:38 pm

Two guys are drinking in a bar.

One says, "Did you know that elks have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"

"Aw crap..," says his friend, "and I just joined the VFW!"

Posted: Sun May 04, 2014 7:41 pm

Nun And Cabby
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that
the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks
him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you
but I don't want to offend you" She answers, "My son, you cannot
offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long
as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.
I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find
offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds,
"Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single
and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his
fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get
back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married
and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm
going to a Halloween party."

Master of Master Baiters Joined: 13 Jan 2014 Posts: 698

Harry had been on the road all day and was thirsty. On his way home, he pulls into a pub car park. As he walks towards the door, a nun who was sitting outside, tugs at his sleeve.

"Excuse me, my son, are you going to drink alcohol in there?" she said.
"Well, yes, actually," He replied, "Why?"
"Don't you know that is sinful?" she said, "It's unhealthy and therefore a form of self-harm and that's against God's law."
"Ok Sister," he said, "I hear you, but I don't agree with you. It's a simple pleasure if taken in moderation and enjoyed by most adults."
"That doesn't mean it's right," she replied.
"Have you ever tried it?" said Harry.
"Oh no," she said, "I couldn't possibly do that."
"Well, before you pass judgement," he said, "I think you should try it at least once."
After some minutes of indecision, the nun eventually agreed that perhaps he was right.
"OK," said Harry, "I'll buy you one. What would you like?"
"UM, I've heard of gin-and-tonic," she said, "I'll try that, but you will have to bring it to me here. I couldn't possibly be seen drinking in there."
"OK," said Harry, "G and T it is."
"Oh! one other thing," said the nun, "Could you get it in a teacup, so that anybody seeing me drink it will think it's tea."

So Harry goes into the bar and says to the barman, "A pint of bitter, please, and a gin and tonic in a teacup.

The barman shakes his head sadly and says, "Is that bloody nun out there again?"

Master of Master Baiters Joined: 13 Jan 2014 Posts: 698

A dog goes into a grocer's with a basket in his mouth. In the basket there's a shopping list and a purse. The grocer reads the lists, collects all the goods and puts them in the basket. He takes some money out of the purse and puts in the correct change. The dogs runs off down the road with the basket. This happens every week for almost a year. The grocer becomes increasingly impressed by the dog's evidently high level of intelligence and decides one day to follow it home to see if the owner would be willing to part with it. The dog finally reaches a run-down old house, puts the basket down on the doorstep and rings the bell with its nose. After a few seconds an old woman opens the door and starts beating the poor animal with a stick. The horrified grocer calls out, "No! stop doing that. That's the most intelligent dog I've ever seen in my life!"
"Intelligent, my arse," the old woman replied, "That's the third time this week he's forgotten his keys."

Master of Master Baiters Joined: 13 Jan 2014 Posts: 698

Sorry can't let this one go: Laughing

A piece of string enters a pub and orders a beer. The barman says “Look pal, it’s nothing personal but we don’t serve string in here, we had some trouble with some twine last year”. “Fair enough” says the string and he leaves. Next day the string comes back in and the barman says “I told you yesterday, we don’t serve string – now get out!” The piece of string promptly leaves but he returns the next day, and the next and all week and every time the barman throws him out. Finally the barman has enough and threatens the string. “You’re pushing your luck!”, he says, ” If you come in here tomorrow, you’ll be sorry!”.

Sure enough, next day, the string comes in. The barman loses his cool and snatches the string and whacks it on the bar about a dozen times. Then he ties it in a knot, swings it around his head and throws it into the wall. Finally he gives it to his dog, which chews it up and spits it out. The barman finally throws the string out of the door and says, “There, let that be a lesson to you – WE DON’T SERVE STRING!”

Next day, the string comes in, still tied up and all tatty. “Oh for goodness sake!”, says the barman, “Look, we don’t serve string and you are, are you not a piece of string?”

“No,”, says the string, “I’m a frayed knot!”

Posted: Thu May 08, 2014 6:24 pm

At a recent convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarked to another, "Did you know that we have switched from rats to lawyers for experiments in our lab?"
"Really?" replied the other researcher. "Why the switch?"
"There were a number of reasons," the first researcher explained.
"First, our lab assistants don't become so attached to them.
Second, lawyers breed much quicker, making them far more plentiful.
Third, animal rights groups have no objection to their torture
and fourth, there are some things even a rat won't do."

Posted: Thu May 08, 2014 6:26 pm

A lawyer, laying on his deathbed in his bedroom, called to his wife and told her to run and get the Bible as soon as possible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea, so she ran and got it. As soon as she returned with the Bible, the lawyer snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages, his eyes darting left and right. Curious, his wife asked, "What are you doing, honey?" "I'm looking for loopholes!" he shouted.

Master of Master Baiters Joined: 13 Jan 2014 Posts: 698

Two crooks try to hold up a lawyers' club, but the lawyers put up a hell of a fight and the crooks have to flee before they have a chance to grab much money. In the getaway car they count the money. When he finishes the count one of them turns to the other and says, "I've got good news and I've got bad news." "What do you mean?" says the other. "Well the good news is we came away with £500; the bad news is we went in with £650".

Master of Master Baiters Joined: 13 Jan 2014 Posts: 698

Two sailors on shore leave get one or two drinks under their belts then decide to go to a show. At the interval, one of them wants the toilet and asks the usherette for directions. 'Go through this exit and along the corridor, take first right, first left then first right again,' she says. He follows her directions with some difficulty and at last arrives at his destination, does what he needs to do and makes his way back to his seat. As he sits down,. his mate turns to him and says, 'You missed the best part of the show. While you were away, some sailor came on stage and pissed into the orchestra pit."

Posted: Sat May 10, 2014 5:16 pm

A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally, the husband asked what was wrong.

"Nothing," said the woman.

Not buying it, he asked again, "Seriously, what's wrong?"

"Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's Day, you don't even tell me so much as 'Thank you.'"

"Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father's Day gift."

"Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."

Posted: Sat May 10, 2014 5:25 pm

A Man was being interviewed for the post of a Commando in Army!

Interviewer, "We want a person with a suspicious mind, always alert, merciless, ready to attack, acute sense of hearing, detective ability and most importantly, having a KILLER INSTINCT !!! So do you think you are eligible?"

Man, "No Sir, but........ can my Wife apply..?"

Posted: Sat May 10, 2014 5:28 pm

After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.

She showed him a bottle costing $50.

"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.

"That's still quite a bit," Tom groused.

Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.

Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap."

So the clerk handed him a mirror.

Posted: Sat May 10, 2014 5:29 pm

A guy was speeding down the road and got pulled over by a state trooper.

The trooper said, "Do you have any idea how fast you were going ?"

The driver looked at the trooper and said, "Do you see the woman sitting in the passenger seat ?"

The trooper said. "Yes."

"Thats my wife," the driver said to the trooper, "Do you see the woman sitting in the back seat ?"

The trooper said, "Yes."

"Thats my mother in law. She lives with us. They just had a big spat and she said she was moving out. I'm trying to get them home before they make up !!!!"

The trooper wrote him a warning and then gave him an escort home with lights flashing.

Posted: Sat May 10, 2014 5:32 pm

A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form.

The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease.

When they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?"

There was a long pause. Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, "Put down 'Yes.'"

Posted: Sat May 10, 2014 5:35 pm

A woman finds Aladdin's magic lamp. She starts rubbing it and a Genie comes out as usual. The woman looks at the Genie and asks him to grant her wishes:

- I want my husband to have eyes only for me.

- I want to be the only one in his life.

- I want him to sleep always by my side.

- I want that when he gets up in the morning I'm the first thing he grabs and takes me everywhere he goes.

The Genie turned her into a Smart Phone....!!!

Master of Master Baiters Joined: 13 Jan 2014 Posts: 698

A tourist went into a restaurant in Madrid. He sees a dish called 'cajones' on the menu. He asks the waiter what this means and the waiter explains that they are the testicles of a bull that has died in the arena. The tourist feels a little squeamish about this, but decides to give them a try, anyway. When they are served he he finds they really are very tasty and he finds them very enjoyable. Next day he decides he'll have cajones again, so he goes to the restaurant and puts in his order. When they are served he sees that they are very small and look extremely unappetising. When he starts to eat them they are not at all as juicy and delicious as the ones he had the previous day. He calls the waiter over and says, " What's he meaning of this? These cajones are tiny. What sort of bull had these?" "The bull didn't have those," the waiter replies, "The bull doesn't always lose."

Posted: Sun May 11, 2014 3:27 pm

Husband calls his wife....

Husband, "Hi Honey, I was driving to Susan's place along the coast road and had a sudden puncture. The car skidded and rolled over.

Only a small tree kept me from sliding over a cliff and falling 500 feet. I managed to crawl out of the car only one second before the tree snapped and the car fell over the cliff.

"I am now in hospital with a broken arm, several broken ribs, a shattered kneecap and severe concussion."

Wife, "Who is Susan?"

Posted: Sun May 11, 2014 3:28 pm

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it.

Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park.

He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub.

He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.

The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"

The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun !"

Posted: Sun May 11, 2014 3:32 pm

Every day Francesca went to the cemetery in her village to water the flowers on the grave of her deceased husband Enzo.

When she was finished she always walked backwards when leaving the grave.

One day her friend Bianca asked, "Francesca why do you always leave the cemetery walking backwards?"

Francesca answered, "When Enzo was alive he always told me 'You've got such a great ass; it could bring a dead man back to life!' I'm not taking any chances !"

Posted: Sun May 11, 2014 3:35 pm

Jack's grandfather left him ten million dollars, and the next week Diane agreed to marry him.

After three months of married life, Jack noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or even worse, called out other men's names!

Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her.

"Diane," he said, "the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me ten million dollars when he died."

"Don't be ridiculous," she replied, "I don't care who gave you the money!"

Posted: Sun May 11, 2014 3:39 pm

A married man was visiting his girlfriend when she requested that he shave his beard.

"Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."

James replied, "My wife loves this beard. I couldn't possibly do it. She would kill me!!"

"Oh please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice.

"Really, I can't," he replied. "My wife loves this beard!!"

The girlfriend asked once more, he sighed and finally gave in.

That night James crawled into bed next to his wife while she was sleeping.

The wife was awakened, turned toward him, felt his face and said, "Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon!"

Posted: Sun May 11, 2014 3:45 pm

Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before.

The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."

The second deaf man signed back, "Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late."

The first deaf man asked, "So what did you do?"

The second man replied, "I turned out the light."

Master of Master Baiters Joined: 13 Jan 2014 Posts: 698

An Irishman is struggling through a Winter storm with a friend. Suddenly he clutches his cheat and drops to the ground. "Quick," he says, "I've having a heart attack. I'm dying - fetch a Rabbi!" "what do you mean, 'Fetch a Rabbi'?" says his friend, "You've been a Catholic all your life."
"I know," says the Irishman, "But I wouldn't want to drag the Father out on a night like this."

Posted: Sun May 18, 2014 11:21 am

Posted: Thu May 22, 2014 6:31 pm

A man walks into a jewelry store to buy his girlfriend an engagement ring.

Looking behind the glass case, he comes across an exquisite band with a handsome-sized rock in its center.

"Excuse me sir," the gentleman says to the salesman. "How much is this ring?"

"Ah, that's a beautiful piece," the salesman replies. "It goes for $10,000."

"My God!" the man exclaimed. "That's a lot of money!"

"Yes, but a diamond is forever."

"Perhaps," the gentleman replied, "but my marriage won't last that long!"

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