Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day

By joining our community you will have the ability to post topics and access other forums reserved for members. Registration is quick, simple and absolutely free. Join our community today by clicking here.

Posted: Sun May 04, 2014 6:53 pm

THIS IS QUOTED FROM HAROLD:
"I've often been asked, 'What do you do now that you're retired?'
Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and whiskey into urine. It's rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling. I do it every day and I really enjoy it."
Harold should be an inspiration to us all.

Posted: Sun May 04, 2014 6:56 pm

An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years.

But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does"

Posted: Sun May 04, 2014 6:56 pm

St Peter's Clocks:
A man died and went to Heaven.
As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, 'What are all those clocks for?'
St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks.
Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.'
'Oh', said the man. 'Whose clock is that?'
'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter.
'The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'
'Incredible', said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'
St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.'
'Where's Barack Obama's clock?' asked the man.
St Peter replied, 'Jesus has it in his office. He uses it as a ceiling fan.'

Posted: Sun May 04, 2014 6:57 pm

A Catholic priest , a doctor, a rich businessman, and an Italian Guy from New York were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Italian Guy from New York fumed,
'What's with those frickin' jerks? We're waiting fifteen minutes between shots!'

The doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'

The rich businessman called out, 'Move it, time is money!'

The Catholic priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. Excuse me, sir!' said the priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'

The doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything that he might be able to do for them'

The rich businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire fighters union in honor of these brave souls !'

The Italian guy from New York said, 'Why the f--ck can't they play at night?

Posted: Sun May 04, 2014 7:01 pm

A guy is driving along one of the “Holler” roads west of Hazard, Kentucky and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talkin Dog Fer Sale ‘ He knocks on the door and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

‘You talk?’ he asks.
‘I sure do,’ the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says ‘So,what’s your story?’

The Lab looks up and says, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I informed the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.’

‘I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down..

I signed up for a job at the airport in Lexington to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals by Homeland Security.’

‘Then I got married, moved back home, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired..’

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
‘Ten dollars,’ the guy says.
‘Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’

‘Cuz he’s a liar. He never did any of that shit.

Posted: Sun May 04, 2014 7:04 pm

Sitting in a New York bar, a Scotsman says, "As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Dundee , there's a wee place called The Pillars. The landlord Big Ed, goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth."

"Well, Angus," said an Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said an Irishman, "Back home in me favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of his claims, but the Irishman swore every word was true.

"Did this actually happen to you?" they said.

"Not meself, personally, no, admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times".

Posted: Sun May 04, 2014 7:05 pm

A British Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan.

He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.

It's doing really well. He says prophets are going through the roof.

Posted: Sun May 04, 2014 7:05 pm

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner, a New Englander, and a Californian, an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47 Africans walk into a fine restaurant....

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', scrutinizing the group one by one and barring their entrance, "you can't come in here without a Thai."

Posted: Sun May 04, 2014 7:08 pm

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "The first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that

Posted: Sun May 04, 2014 7:10 pm

Jim works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a localstrip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Jim! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Jim, 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Jim if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Jim, starts to rub herself all over him and says,

'Hi Jim. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Jim's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Jim follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Jim tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book..

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Jim, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

Jim's funeral will be on Saturday.

Posted: Sun May 04, 2014 7:10 pm

A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'
He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.

Posted: Sun May 04, 2014 7:11 pm

A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"

So, she does.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

Posted: Sun May 04, 2014 7:12 pm

A guy goes into the confessional after years being away from the Church.

He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.

There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby.

He hears a priest come in: "Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side."

Posted: Sun May 04, 2014 7:16 pm

a man walks into a bar and sits down at the counter. as he looks around the place he notices a big gorilla down at the end of the bar.

the bar tender walks up and ask the man what would you like, the man replies get me a beer, but what the hell is that gorilla doing in here.

the bar tender brings the man his beer and says let me show how this works.

the bar tender reaches under the bar and grabs a baseball bat and walks down to the end of the bar where the gorilla is

the bartender hauls back and SMACK! upside the head and the gorilla drops to his knees and starts blowing the bartender.

the man gets all excited and yells hey bartender hurry hurry get me another beer, i really like that! show me that again.

the bartender grabs his bat, walks up to the gorilla and SMACK upside the head, and there go's the gorilla to his knees and services the bartender.

the man gets even more excited, slams his beer and orders another one. the bartender can't help but notice the excitement in the mans face and ask

"would you like to try that" the man said hell ya, but you don't have to hit me as hard as you hit that gorilla...

Posted: Sun May 04, 2014 7:17 pm

Spent two hours at the wives graveside today........

she still thinks I'm digging a pond!

Posted: Sun May 04, 2014 7:18 pm

There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Provence. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped there. The Frenchman was thinking: 'The English fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.' And the Englishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French bastard again.'

Posted: Sun May 04, 2014 7:19 pm

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a
pair of genuine alligator shoes in
the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local
vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of
the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted,
"Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair
of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out
and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on
catching
herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the
young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.
She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls
it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead
creatures.
The shopkeeper watched in amazement.
Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it back, and frustrated,
shouts out,
"Damn! This one is barefoot, too!"

Posted: Sun May 04, 2014 7:20 pm

A woman wanted a pet to keep her company at
home while her husband was off at work and
the children were in school. After some research,
she decided a parrot would fit her needs nicely.
It wouldn't be as much work as a dog or a cat,
and it would be very interesting to hear it speak,
but unfortunately they were quite expensive.
One day on a shopping trip she spotted a large,
beautifully colored parrot and asked the owner
of the store for the price of the bird. The owner
said he let it go for $50. Delighted that such a
rare and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive,
she agreed to buy it.
Before accepting her money, the owner said,
"I should tell you first that this bird used to live
in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says some
pretty.....well, embarrassing stuff." The woman
was so attracted to the bird and the excellent
price that she decided to buy it anyway.
When she got home she placed the bird's cage
in her living room and waited patiently for it to say
something. The bird studied his new surroundings,
and his new owner, and finally said, "New house,
new madam." The woman was a little taken at the
implication of what she had just heard, but after a
few minutes decided that it wasn't really all that bad.
When her two teenage daughters came in from
school, the bird Looked them over and said, "New
house, new madam, new girls!"
After their initial surprise was over, the girls joined
their mother in laughter.
Shortly after 5PM the woman's husband came home
from work. The bird looked at him, the mother, and
the girls and said, "New house, new madam, new
girls, same old faces. Hi Sam!"

Posted: Sun May 04, 2014 7:22 pm

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'You want a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now, the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand,

all with Grandpa's attorney as a witness.

He starts to get really nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks.

'I'll bet you three thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk,

pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now,

but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk, unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side,

so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy,

realizing that he has just avoided a major embarrassing loss.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Don't Mess with Old People!!

Posted: Sun May 04, 2014 7:25 pm

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning, can you
believe that..... 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my
Bagpipes.

Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how
do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building
up!"

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the
biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling
my leg."

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume
she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my
girlfriend yet.

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going
fine until he stuck his index finger up my ass! Do you think I should
change dentists?

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking
behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she
would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not
listening. "

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the
worst. So I have been to the thrift shop to get all her clothes back.

Posted: Sun May 04, 2014 7:26 pm

THE HISTORY OF PROFILING

The day it all started was March 6, 1836. On that fateful day,
Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the
main floor of the Alamo . He walked up to the observation
post along the west wall of the fort. William B. Travis and Jim Bowie
were already there, looking out over the top of the wall.

These three great men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving toward them.
With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said:

"Jim, are we having some landscaping done today?"

Posted: Sun May 04, 2014 7:31 pm

President Obama got off the helicopter in front of the White House, carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes and says:"Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies: "These are not pigs... the...se are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention again, salutes and says, "Excellent trade, sir.”

Posted: Sun May 04, 2014 7:32 pm

A couple take in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could take a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath but, if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home from the pub. He didn't believe her, so she said, "Next Monday, don’t go to darts. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed the girl that indeed, she was far from hairless.

When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why not?" she replied. "You've seen it before."

"I know," he said, "but the rest of the darts team hadn't!"

Posted: Sun May 04, 2014 7:36 pm

Now this joke can bring moisture to your drawers.

Two Tennessee rednecks were out hunting, and as they were walking along, they came upon a huge hole in the ground.

They approached it and were amazed by its size.

The first hunter said, "Wow, that's some hole;
I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".

So they pick it up, carry it to the hole, count one, two and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge when they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.

As they turn around, they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.

While they stand there looking at each other in amazment, look in the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing
here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

The old farmer said, "That's impossible.

I had him chained to a transmission!"

Posted: Sun May 04, 2014 7:38 pm

A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a date at her
parents' home.

I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.

She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail. Lobster.
Champagne.

I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?"

"No," she replied. "but my mother's not expecting a blow job tonight."

I said "enjoy"..

Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day	View next topic View previous topic