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 Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day

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Vampiremerchant
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Joined: 01 Nov 2009
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Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Tue Apr 22, 2014 7:16 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy territory. To entertain them, the Major called for this sexy dancer from the nearby town.

She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the soldiers went mad. They clapped for 5 minutes.

For her second number, she stripped and danced in sheer bra and G string. This time the applause went for 10 minutes.

The next number she danced topless, and this time the applause went on and on. The Major had to come on stage and ask them to quiet down for the grand finale.

For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance naked. The Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise to bring the roof down. But ten minutes later, there is no clapping and the dancer comes backstage.

The Major asks her, "What happened? How come there was no clapping this time?"

She replied with a wicked smile, "Major, how do you expect those poor boys to clap with one hand?"

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Vampiremerchant
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 22, 2014 7:23 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Things We Learnd From The Movies


*During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

*All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

*Beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman; but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

*The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty

*Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

*A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

*Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

*If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

*Cars that crash will invariably burst into flames.

*Stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.

*If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that could be cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for goodness sake, keep your mouth shut.

*Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

*A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.

*All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts, so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

*When in love, it is customary to burst into song.

*When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.

*One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than 20 men firing at 1 man.

*If being fired at by Germans, hide in a river - or even a bath. German bullets are unable to penetrate water.

*Laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of an invading alien civilization.

*Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings - especially if any of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident.

*All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of software.

*Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

*When they are alone, foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

*If you are a hero, you never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste by your actions.

*You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

*Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

*You can tell if somebody is British because he will be wearing a bow tie.

*When driving a car, it is normal to look not at the road but rather at the person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the entire journey.

*Taxi drivers don't require exact or even approximate payment - the first bill you pull from your pocket is always correct.

*Having a job of any kind will make a father forget his son's eighth birthday.

*Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before retirement.

*The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love.

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Ahmastin Geebougah
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 26, 2014 11:19 am Reply with quoteBack to top

A week in Dubai and I start forgetting about VM's rotten jokes and my mission to outdo him, so here are two short ones even more rotten than his : Wink

"What has four legs and says "Boo"?.......................a cow with a cold

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Two cows, Daisy and Dolly are in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
Dolly says to Daisy, "I don't believe you."
Daisy replies, "No! it's true! No bull!"
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Vampiremerchant
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 26, 2014 3:02 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Quote:
my mission to outdo him


Good Luck with that..... Laughing

The farmer and his wife had worked hard, they scrimped and saved to send their son to college. As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard. Next he grew a large mustache and sideburns. Being pleased with his new hirsute adornment, he had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents.

On the back of the photo he scrawled, "How do you like it? Don't I look like a count?"

Shortly after, the son received this terse note: "You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can't even spell!"

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PostPosted: Sat Apr 26, 2014 11:32 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Right, this one embodies the holy trinity of WTF, LOL and NSFW.

A massive tumblr of hobbit fantasies. not sure if serious or just trolling very hard for a long time. Almost hoping it's a troll, but not very optimistic.

http://naughtyhobbitdesires.tumblr.com

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Vampiremerchant
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 27, 2014 6:06 am Reply with quoteBack to top

^^^

Now that is disturbing to say the least !!


A man was standing at the bar in a Pub having a quiet pint and minding his own business, when in walked the most ugly woman ever seen.

As she passed him she patted his backside and said give me your phone number sexy, he looked, then asked if she had a pen, she replied yes, so he said get back in before the farmer notices you are missing

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Ahmastin Geebougah
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 27, 2014 10:33 am Reply with quoteBack to top

^^^
^^^

Yep, I agree. Very disturbing. Disturbing enough to make even an orc look nervously over his shoulder whilst taking a pee...

Anyway -

(In tribute to the great Tommy Cooper, whose joke this is):

One day there was a baboon sittin' in a tree and he looked along the jungle track and he saw his mate, the Hyena staggerin' along .....like this.... not like that, like this ..... and his mate - the hyena - was looking all beaten up, so he climbs down out the tree and he says to the hyena, "You don't half look rough. What happened?"
The hyena looks at him and says, "It's that pride of lions. They keep attackin' me. I'm walking along the jungle track on me way home and they keep on jumpin' out on me and beatin' me up. I'm gettin' really fed up. I want to get home."
"No wonder you look rough," the baboon said, grinnin' at him. They do that you know ... baboons ... they grin .... like this .... not like that, like this ...
Tell you what I'll do," says the baboon, "you walk along the jungle track and I'll swing along in the trees and follow you. If the lions appear I'll come down and give you a hand"

"OK says the hyena, thanks" So he sets off down the track and the baboon's up in the trees .... swingin' along.

No sooner had they gone more than hundred yards .... or was it 200 ... no definitely a hundred .... when suddenly from out of the trees a huge pride of lions appeared and set about the hyena. They gave him a right going over, kickin' him and bitin' him and tossin' him around. Then suddenly they disappeared into the trees.

The baboon climbs down out of the tree and goes over to the hyena who's rollin' around in a dreadful state, moaning (moan, moan) .... just like that! and he says to him, "Are you all right, mate?"
"All right? All right?" says the hyena, "Course I'm not all right! Fine friend you turned out to be. Why didn't you come down and lend a hand like you promised?"

"Sorry", said the baboon, "But you were laughin' so much I thought you were enjoyin' it"
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Vampiremerchant
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 27, 2014 11:23 am Reply with quoteBack to top

A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.

"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."

"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."

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Vampiremerchant
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 27, 2014 11:28 am Reply with quoteBack to top

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old codger decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the city's stores, he picked up a mirror and looked in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, ?How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy.

He bought the picture, but on the way home remembered that his wife, Lizzy, didn't much like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

The man's many trips to the barn began to draw Lizzy's suspicion.

One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed,

So that's the ugly bitch he's running around with.!

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Vampiremerchant
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 27, 2014 11:50 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Back during the days of the Soviet Union, it took 10 years to get a car after you paid for one.
Once, a young guy went to the car dealership to order a car. He paid the money, and the asked when can he come and get the car.
"It will be here, waiting for you, exactly 10 years from today".
The man signed the papers, started waliking away and then stooped, turned and asked the salesman: "Wait, will it be ready at the morning or at the afternnon".
"What difference does it make?", asked the salesman.
"Well", answered the man, "the plumber is coming in the morning".

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Ahmastin Geebougah
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 27, 2014 12:44 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A young man expressed a desire to become a great writer. When pressed to define what he meant by 'Great', he replied,"I want to write stuff that the whole World will read; stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level; stuff that will make them cry, howl and scream in pain and grief.

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages
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Ahmastin Geebougah
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 27, 2014 12:49 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

The King of Saudi Arabia visited London and was invited to dinner with the Queen. As the first course was served, he said aloud, "No soup for me, thank you it make me fart" A horrified silence descended upon the room and all the distinguished guests stared at him. He looked around at them, patted his stomach and said, "What's the matter? Do you not think I am fart enough already?"
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Vampiremerchant
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 27, 2014 4:12 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Two drunks are walking along.

One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night... look at the moon."

The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend, "You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun."

They started arguing for a while when they came upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him.

"Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"

The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."

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Ahmastin Geebougah
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 27, 2014 4:49 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A man finds an odd-shaped bottle on a rubbish tip, picks it up and rubs it with his sleeve to get it clean. To his surprise there's a bang and a puff of pink smoke and a little pixie jumps out.

"How about I give your back a rub?" says the pixie.
"Well, actually I'd prefer three million pounds," says the man.
"Can't give you any money, says the pixie, "but I'm happy to give your back a rub."
"No thanks," says the man, "but a night of love with a playboy centrefold would be good."
"No, sorry", says the pixie, "but if you lay down, I'll ease the tension between those clavicles."
"How about if you were to make me taller, then?," says the man,"I've always fancied a more athletic looking physique."
"Impossible," says the pixie.
"Hang on a minute", says the man, "I thought genies were meant to grant three wishes to whoever set them free?"
"Who said I was a genie", said the pixie, "I'm a massage in a bottle."
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Vampiremerchant
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 27, 2014 5:26 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye.

He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.

Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's ass was that eye staring right back at him.

"You know," said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."

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Ahmastin Geebougah
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 29, 2014 10:50 am Reply with quoteBack to top

A woman dents her sports car and takes it to the bodyshop for reair. The mechanic decides to have some fun, so he convinces her to take the car home and blow up the exhaust, telling her the air pressure will make the dent spring out. She takes the car home and spends a good hour blowing as hard as she can up the exhaust without any success. Eventually her husband comes home from work and asks her what she's doing, so she tells him.

"You stupid woman," he says, "That's never going to work. You've left the windows open."
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Ahmastin Geebougah
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 30, 2014 12:24 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

"Waiter, why is there a dead cockroach in my soup?"
"Surely you don't expect a live one at these prices?"

"Waiter, there's a fly in my soup"
"Don't worry, sir, it's not hot enough to burn him"

"Waiter, you've got your thumb on my steak!"
"yes, sir, I've got arthritis and the doctor said I've got to keep it warm."
"Well stick it up your bum, then!"
"I do, sir, when I'm serving the ice cream."

"if I was as ugly as you are, I wouldn't say 'Hallo', I'd say 'BOO!'
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Vampiremerchant
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PostPosted: Fri May 02, 2014 4:22 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby.

The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on, eat it all up or ... I'll have to give it to this nice man here."
Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said,
"Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."

A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out,
"Come on, kid. Make up your mind I was supposed to get off four stops ago!!"

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Ahmastin Geebougah
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PostPosted: Sat May 03, 2014 2:52 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

One night johnny's Dad heard the little fellow saying his prayers.

"God bless Mummy and Daddy and Granny," the little boy said, "and goodbye Grampa." The next day the boy's grandfather died.

A month or so later Dad again heard Johnny saying his prayers.

"God bless Mummy and Daddy and goodbye Granny," he said.

Next day his grandmother died.

Two weeks later Dad again heard Johnny at prayer. "God bless Mummy," he said, "and goodbye Daddy." The man nearly had a heart attack there and then, but next morning, he got up as usual and went to work. When he arrived home that evening he slumped down in a chair and said to his wife, "You'll never believe the rotten day I've just had. It's been a really bad day"

Don't talk to me about bad days," she replied, "this morning the postman dropped dead on the doorstep."
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Ahmastin Geebougah
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PostPosted: Sat May 03, 2014 8:11 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Do you know why the holiday camp sacked the hypnotist?
He got thirty people up on the stage and put them in a trance. Then he tripped over a stool and said "crap!"
It took them a whole day to clean up.
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PostPosted: Sat May 03, 2014 8:32 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Dear Justin Bieber haters,
I owe my life to Justin.
On March 9th, 2009 I was in a coma for 6 months after a terrible car crash.
One day my nurse turned the radio to Justin’s song.
So I got up, and turned the radio off.

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Ahmastin Geebougah
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PostPosted: Sun May 04, 2014 11:04 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Harry's wife decides to take him to a lap-dancing club as a surprise birthday present. Harry protests but his wife drags him along anyway. At the entrance, the manager greets him, saying "hallo Harry, how are you doing?"
"How does he know your name," asks Harry's wife. "He's an old school friend," says Harry. Inside the club, the cloakroom girl says, "Good evening, Harry, how are you tonight?"
Harry hastily explains that she's a friend of a workmate. When they sit down, the waitress comes up and says, "Great to see you Harry. Would you like your usual?" Harry tells his wife that she's a member of his tennis club. Finally, a pole dancer walks past and says, "Hi, Harry. Stay there and I'll come back and do you a special."
This is too much for Harry's wife, who drags him outside and starts screaming at him. The doorman hails him a taxi. "Oh boy, Harry," he says, "You sure picked an ugly one tonight!
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WillEater
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PostPosted: Sun May 04, 2014 6:33 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Ted had asked his pal Ed to help him out with the deck after work, so Ed just went straight over to Ted's place.

When they got to the door, Ted (an American) gave his wife a big hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work.

When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.

Once the two men were working on the deck, Ed said he was surprised that Ted fussed so much over his wife.

Ted said he'd started this about six months ago, and that it had revived their marriage. Things couldn't be better, he said.

Ed thought he'd give it a try.

When he got home, he gave his wife a big hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her.

His wife, usually somewhat reserved and stoic (being British by birth and upbringing) burst into tears.

Ed asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Jack fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"

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PostPosted: Sun May 04, 2014 6:37 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Ed went to see his doctor. "I want to be castrated," Ed said.

"Castrated?" replied the doctor. "Are you sure?"

"Sure I'm sure," said Ed. "And don't try to talk me out of it Doc, I know it's controversial and everything, but my mind is made up."

An appointment was made and Ed was duly admitted to hospital where the castration was performed.

When Ed woke up in the ward he was surprised to see his old friend Ted in the next bed. "Ted," said Ed. "Fancy bumping into you here. What have you come in for?"

"I've just been circumcised," said Ted.

"Circumcised?" said Ed. "Shit! that's the word I was looking for."

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PostPosted: Sun May 04, 2014 6:52 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A Police STOP at 2 AM

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as a moralizing talk on sexually transmitted diseases, smoking tobacco products and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

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