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 Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day

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Vampiremerchant
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Joined: 01 Nov 2009
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 04, 2014 8:38 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A millionaire informs his attorney, "I want a stipulation in my Will that my wife is to inherit everything, but only if she remarries within six months of my death."

"Why such an odd stipulation?" asks the attorney.

"Because," he says, "I want someone to be sorry I died."

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Vampiremerchant
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Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3221
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sat Jan 04, 2014 8:50 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

After being away on business, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.00. "That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.

"That's still quite a bit," Tom groused. Growing, disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.

"What I mean," said Tom, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."

So the clerk handed him a mirror.

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Vampiremerchant
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Joined: 01 Nov 2009
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 04, 2014 8:55 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.

"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."

The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers! We had $100 when we broke in!"

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Vampiremerchant
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Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3221
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sat Jan 04, 2014 8:57 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband, "Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?"

The hubby replied, "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."

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Vampiremerchant
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Posts: 3221
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sat Jan 04, 2014 9:17 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

It was afternoon in the crowded cafeteria. The elderly matron sitting at the counter was obviously upset at the cigarette smoke of the young woman beside her.

Finally the older woman could take it no longer. She turned to the girl and bellowed with a loud voice "Young lady, I would rather commit adultery than smoke!"

"So would I," quipped the girl, "but you know, there just isn't time enough during a coffee break."

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Vampiremerchant
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Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3221
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sun Jan 05, 2014 5:41 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," he explained.

"It took us awhile to find a new pilot."

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Vampiremerchant
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Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3221
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sun Jan 05, 2014 5:55 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A little old man starts having trouble hearing and goes to the doctor.....says. "Doc, I'm having problems hearing!"

Doctor says "Lets check this out." He looks into the man's ear with his flashlight and says, "There's a foreign object in here." He takes his tweezers and pulls it out... The Doc says to the old man, "It's a suppository!!"

The old man takes a look, and asks the Doc, "Can I use your phone? I Need to tell the wife that I know where I put that hearing aid!!"

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Vampiremerchant
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Posts: 3221
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sun Jan 05, 2014 5:58 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.

"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'."

"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible) recruit.

The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end.

"Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab.'"

The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom. Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him. The recruit points the broom. "Bangety Bang Bang!" The German falls dead. More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" He mows down the enemy by the dozens. Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward him. "Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit.

The German keeps coming. "Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate. "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" It's no use. The German keeps coming.

He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says... "Tankety Tank Tank."

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Vampiremerchant
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Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3221
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sun Jan 05, 2014 6:00 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, "you've got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream. I'm lying in bed when all of the sudden five women rush in and start tearing off my clothes."

The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?"

"I push them away."

"I see. What do you want me to do?"

The patient implored. "Break my arms."

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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3221
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sun Jan 05, 2014 6:07 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will:

"To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million."

The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million."

The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will - well you are wrong. Hi Dan!"

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Vampiremerchant
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Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3221
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Wed Jan 08, 2014 9:27 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.

As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.

He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"

The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"

The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man says, "I chop wood!"

"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"

"I chop wood!"

"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"

"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"

"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"

The young man rolls his eyes and says, "Dang it, I have to chop it before he can pile it!"

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oscarpiles
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Joined: 13 Apr 2012
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 09, 2014 12:01 am Reply with quoteBack to top

^We always told that as a 'Newfie Joke'. Speaking of Newfies:

Q - How was Montreal discovered?

A - Some Newfies were playing Hockey on the St. Lawrence River and Jarge got a Break Away.

I'm here all week....

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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3221
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Fri Jan 10, 2014 6:44 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he then sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River'."

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Vampiremerchant
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Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Fri Jan 10, 2014 6:48 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

An eighty-year-old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh!"

The man asked the doctor what the problem was.

"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?"

"No," replied the man.

"Do you drink in excess?

"No," replied the man.

"Do you have a sex life?"

"Yes, I do!"

"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life."

Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half - the looking or the thinking?"

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Vampiremerchant
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Posts: 3221
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Fri Jan 10, 2014 7:20 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park.

Johnny asked, “Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?”

Grandpa looks at him and says “No Johnny, I will not.”

“But Grandpa, why?” asks little Johnny. Grandpa replies.

“Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one worth writing to.”

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Vampiremerchant
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Posts: 3221
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Fri Jan 10, 2014 7:35 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.

“I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”

He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”

“Nah, she can order for herself.”

And that’s when the fight started…..

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Vampiremerchant
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 10, 2014 7:56 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, “Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce.”

“Because,” the man says, “I live in a two-story house.”

The Judge replies, “What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?”

The man answers, “Well Judge, one story is ‘I have a headache’ and the other story is ‘It’s that time of the month.”

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Vampiremerchant
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 10, 2014 8:02 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a check-up. He said, “I feel terrible. Please examine me and tell me what’s wrong with me.”

“Let’s begin with a few questions,” said the doctor, “do you drink much?”

“Alcohol?” said the man. “I’m a teetotaler. Never touch a drop.”

“How about smoking?” asked the doctor.

“Never,” replied the man. “Tobacco is bad and I have strong principles against it.” “Well, uh.” asked the doctor, “do you have much sex life?”

“Oh, no,” said the man. “Sex is sin. I’m in bed by 10:30 every night…always have been.”

The doctor paused, looked at the man hard, and asked, “Well, do you have pains in your head?”

“Yes,” said the man. “I have terrible pains in my head.”

“O.K.,” said the doctor. “That’s your trouble. Your halo is on too tight!!

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Vampiremerchant
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 10, 2014 8:45 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

After the party, as the couple was driving home, the woman asks her husband, “Honey has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?”
The flattered husband said, “No dear they haven’t.”
The wife yells, “Then what the hell gave you THAT idea at the party tonight???”

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Vampiremerchant
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 10, 2014 8:47 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

“Father Michael!” I shouted to the elderly priest, “Father Michael! It’s good to see you again.”

“Hello Brian,” he responded by taking my outstretched hand. “It’s been a long time. I’m surprised you seem so pleased to see me… You know, after what happened the last time we were together.”

I sensed his apprehension. “It’s ok Father.. I don’t blame you for what happened.”

“I wish I could feel the same,” he said quietly. “I should have known better. I’m really sorry if it’s any consolation. I ask God for forgiveness every single night.”

“Seriously Father.. It wasn’t your fault.”

“It’s nice of you to say so Brian, but I still feel terribly guilty.”

“Don’t,” I replied, “I was the silly fcuker who asked her to marry me.”

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Joined: 08 Jan 2014
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 12, 2014 12:44 am Reply with quoteBack to top

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Vampiremerchant
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Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3221
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sun Jan 12, 2014 8:39 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A group of fellows always enjoyed their game of golf, but one of the boys was having trouble seeing the ball. His friends kept telling him he needed glasses.

Finally, he bought himself a pair, and his game improved 100%.

Back in the clubroom, they were talking over a few beers. “You’re playing better since you got your glasses,” one said.

“You’re right, I look down, and the ball’s as big as a basketball, just can’t miss it now,” he said. After a few more beers, he said. “Gotta go to the toilet; be back in a minute.”

When he came back, the front of his trousers was all wet.

“Gee, what happened to you?” his friends asked.

“I don’t know,” he replied. “I got in there, pulled it out, and it looked too big to be mine, so I put it back.

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Vampiremerchant
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Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3221
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sun Jan 12, 2014 8:46 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

An Egyptian man is walking through the Cairo bazaar, when a stranger comes up to him and offers to sell Viagra (illegal in Egypt) for 100 Egyptian pounds.
‘No, not worth it!’
‘OK, how about 50 Egyptian pounds?’
‘No, not worth it!’
‘OK, 20?’
‘No, not worth it!’
‘How about 10?’
‘No, not worth it!’
‘Listen, these pills cost US $10 each. How can you say they are not worth it?’
‘Oh, the pills ARE worth it. My wife is not worth it.’

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Vampiremerchant
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 13, 2014 6:20 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Husband returns home a day early from a business trip. It’s after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabby agrees. Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there Is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man’s head. The wife shouts, ‘Don’t do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.

HE paid for the Corvette I gave you. HE paid for our new cabin cruiser. HE paid for your season Dallas Cowboys tickets.

HE paid for our house at the lake. HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!’

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, ‘What would you do?

The cabby replies, ‘I’d cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold.’

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Vampiremerchant
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 13, 2014 6:23 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

“First,” said the playboy, “I’m going to buy you a few drinks and get you a bit loose.”

“Oh no you’re not,” said the girl.

“Then I’ll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks.”

“Oh no you’re not.”

“Then I’ll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks.”

“Oh no you’re not.”

“Then I’m going to make violent, passionate love to you.”

“Oh no you’re not.”

“And I’m not going to wear a condom either! ” said the guy.

“Oh yes you are!” said the girl.

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