Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day

By joining our community you will have the ability to post topics and access other forums reserved for members. Registration is quick, simple and absolutely free. Join our community today by clicking here.

Posted: Fri Oct 11, 2013 7:00 pm

True story reported by an English guy who was stopped and asked to give a breathalyzer test.
The English guy lives near Le Bugue in the Dordogne and at the time he was stopped he was as pis*ed as a fart...
The gendarme signals to him to wind down the window then asks him if he has been drinking, and with a slurring speech the English guy replies; 'Yes, this morning I was at my (hic)..daughter's wedding, and as I don't like church much I went to the cafe opposite and had several beers.'
'Then during the wedding banquet I seem to remember downing three great bottles of wine; (hic)... a corbieres, a Minervois and (hic)...a Faugeres.'
'Then to finish off during the celebrations.... and (hic) during the evening ...me and my mate downed two bottles of Johnny Walker's black label.'
Getting impatient the gendarme warns him; 'Do you understand I'm a policeman and have stopped you for an alcohol test'?
The Englishman with a grin on his face replies; 'Do you understand that I'm English, like my car, and that my wife is sitting in the other seat, at the wheel?'

Posted: Fri Oct 11, 2013 7:03 pm

A blonde's car breaks down on the Interstate one day.
She eases it over to the side of the road. She steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out jump two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...
Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history on this highway occurs.
It's not very long before a police car shows up.
The police officer, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the heck is going on here?"
"My car broke down," says the lady calmly.
"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?" asks the officer.
And she says,

"Those are my emergency flashers!"

Posted: Sat Oct 12, 2013 7:30 pm

A guy is 70 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.' He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.' He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, 'Are you talking to me?' The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket. Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.' He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'

Posted: Sat Oct 12, 2013 7:30 pm

NASA have just announced there will be a second Moon landing . The Womens movements in America are making protest as there is no Female Astronaut included in the landing party. NASA insist it does not need cleaning yet.

Posted: Wed Oct 16, 2013 7:59 pm

A shark enters a drinking establishment in and demands service. The Catfish bartender approached saying, "We don't serve drinks to sharks in here." The lady dogfish at the end of the bar piped in as well; "Get your scaly face out of here!"
The shark became slightly ticked and bit off a large section of table then said, "I want a drink now!" The Catfish calmly said, "I told you, we don't serve drinks to sharks in this bar." The lady dogfish again gives the shark a piece of her mind saying, "Get out you ugly, toothy brute."
Hearing that made the shark very angry. He went to the end of the bar table and devoured the lady dogfish before she could give him any more lip (do fish even have lips?).
The bartender now said, "Now you’ve really done it. We absolutely don't serve sharks that do drugs."
In a bit of confusion the shark said, "But I never use drugs!"

To this the Catfish bartender told him, "Yes you do. That was a barbitchyouate."

Posted: Mon Oct 21, 2013 5:07 am

Technology: NEW PASSWORD REQUIRED

User: My usual password is not working suddenly, why?

Website chat assistant: Your password has expired - you must register a

new one.

User: Why do I need a new one as that one was working fine?

Website: you must get a new one as they automatically expire every 30 days.

User: Can I use the old one and just re-register it?

Website: No, you must get a new one.

User: I don't want a new one as that is one more thing for me to remember.

Website: Sorry, you must get a new one.

User: ok, roses

Website: Sorry you must use more letters.

User: pretty roses

Website: you must use at least one number.

User: 1 pretty rose

Website: you cannot use blank spaces.

User: 1prettyrose

Website: you must use additional letters.

User: 1f*ckingprettyrose

Website: you must use at least one capital letter.

User: 1F*CKINGprettyrose

Website: you cannot use more than one capital letter in a row.

User: 1F*ckingprettyrose

Website: you must use additional letters.

User:

1F*ckingprettyroseshovedupyourassifyoudon'tgivemea ccessrightf*ckingnow

Website: Sorry, that password is already being used

Posted: Wed Oct 23, 2013 7:35 pm

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree, they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk. But we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you. But first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old-timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought it was WIND - but I was wrong, too!"

Posted: Wed Oct 23, 2013 11:39 pm

^That takes me back. Way Back:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D71UY0XW2WU

Posted: Thu Oct 24, 2013 4:19 pm

A mother took her five-year-old son with her
To the bank on a busy lunchtime.
They got behind a very fat woman wearing a
Business suit complete with pager.

As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly,
'Gee, she's fat!'
The mother bent down and whispered in
The little boys ear to be quiet.
A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread
His hands as far as they would go and announced;

'I'll bet her butt is this wide!'

The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy.
The mother gave him a good telling off,
And told him to be quiet.
After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line.
Just then, her pager began to emit a

Beep, beep, beep

The little boy yells out,

'Run for your life, she's backing up!!

Posted: Tue Oct 29, 2013 6:35 pm

Something for you to keep those "aging" grey cells active!

1. Johnny 's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May....What was the third child 's name?

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers....What does he weigh?

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, ...what was the highest mountain in the world?

4. How much dirt is there in a hole ...that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

5. What word in the English Language ...is always spelled incorrectly?

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. ....How is this possible?

7. In California , you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. ...Why not?

8. What was the President 's Name...in 1975?

9. If you were running a race, ...and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

10. Which is correct to say,... "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, ....how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Here are the Answers

1. Johnny 's mother had three children. The first child was named April The second child was named May. What was the third child 's name?

Answer:Johnny of course

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

Answer: Meat.

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn 't discovered yet. [ You 're not very good at this are you?]

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

Answer: Incorrectly

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere

7. In California , you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

Answer: You can 't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.

8. What was the President 's Name in 1975?

Answer: Same as is it now - Barack Obama [Oh, come on ....]

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh]

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big haystack !

IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD

1) You can't count your hair.

2) You can't wash your eyes with soap.

3) You can't breathe through your nose when your tongue is out.

Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.

Ten (10) Things I know about you.

1) You are reading this.

2) You are human.
3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.

4) You just attempted to do it.

6) You are laughing at yourself.

7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.

Cool

You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.

9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.

10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.

You have received this e-mail because I didn't want to be alone in the idiot category.

Posted: Mon Nov 11, 2013 7:36 pm

There I was, sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,

Trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and

Gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as I

Burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY.

I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete

Failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen

And I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I

Took home, there I found my wife with another man and then my

Dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to

It all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching

The poison dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole thing!

But enough about me, how's your day going?"

Posted: Tue Nov 12, 2013 8:09 pm

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Posted: Tue Nov 19, 2013 6:12 pm

They're real notes written by parents in the Memphis school district.

Misspellings have been left intact.

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.

2. Please exkuce Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday..She had the shits.

12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.
16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse Brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23. MaryAnn was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach.
Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Posted: Tue Nov 19, 2013 6:14 pm

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved and smiled back at him..

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much? I only bought five items."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said
You'd be paying for her things, too."

Bet you thought this was going to be a tear jerker.

Don't trust Little Old Ladies!!!

Posted: Tue Nov 19, 2013 6:15 pm

This took place in Charlotte, North Carolina

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.' The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON!
(Stay with me.) Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire'and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART.. After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim, and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award contest.

Posted: Tue Nov 19, 2013 6:17 pm

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program..

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous,

athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign

around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing,

he finally gives up..

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning,

beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.. She is wearing nothing but

Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you

can have me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he

does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens

with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he

has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company

to order the 7-day/50 pound program

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone... 'This is our most rigorous program.'

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular

guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck

that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week.

Posted: Tue Nov 19, 2013 6:25 pm

Murphy applied for a fermentation operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin . A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the Pole the job."

Murphy, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job."

Manager, " We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."

Murphy, " And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"

Manager, " Simple. On question number 7 the Pole wrote down, 'I don’t know.' You put down, ‘Neither do I’.“

Posted: Tue Nov 19, 2013 6:28 pm

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.

Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."

"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"

Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

Posted: Tue Nov 19, 2013 6:33 pm

The other day I needed to go to A & E. Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my blue suit and stuck a badge that I had downloaded off the Internet onto the front of my jacket.
When I went into the A & E, I noticed that threequarters of the people got up and left. I suppose they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.

It also works at DSS. It saved me 5 hours.

At the Laundry, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running.
Don't try it at McDonald's though.....
The whole crew got up and left and l never got my order...

Try it yourself, you will save hours at hospitals, doctors, health services, DSS etc.
The badge simply says "UK Border Agency"

Posted: Tue Nov 19, 2013 6:36 pm

An English man, And Irish man, A Scot and a Welsh man are introducing their sons.

The English man says "this is my Son George, He Was born on St Georges Day"

The Scot says "This is my son Andrew, he was born on St Andrews Day"

The Welsh man continues "This is my son David, he was born on St Davids Day"

The Irish man says " And this is my lad, Pancake"

Posted: Thu Nov 21, 2013 4:01 pm

Posted: Fri Nov 29, 2013 5:41 pm

True Story, but Funny.

I could not wake up a drunk, blocking the way to the Gents.
Enter our hero's the transport police.
10 seconds later drunk on his feet.
Police are so kind, drunk had a can of beer in his pocket.
So police take the can out of his pocket, open it for him and put it back in his pocket.
Upside down.

Posted: Sat Nov 30, 2013 6:00 am

During last years royal wedding, the millions around the world saw that Prince William chose to wear a uniform that included the famous British "red coat."

Many people have asked, "Why did the British wear red coats in battle?"

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured a British Colonel. They took him to their headquarters, and the French General began to question him. Finally, as an afterthought, the French General asked, "Why do you British officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

In his casual, matter-of-fact, way, the officer informed the General that the reason British officers wear red coats is so that if they are wounded, the blood won't show, and the men they are leading won't panic.

And that is why, from that day forward, all French Army officers wear brown trousers!

Posted: Sat Nov 30, 2013 5:05 pm

What is the best Christmas present?

A broken drum.

You just can't beat it.

Posted: Sat Nov 30, 2013 5:08 pm

What do you call a reindeer with no eyes?

No eye deer.

Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day	View next topic View previous topic