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 Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day

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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3179
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Wed Jan 23, 2013 7:02 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

"Johnny, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand.

"My dog ate it," was his solemn response.

"Johnny, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?"

"It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted Johnny. "I had to force him, but he ate it!"

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Vampiremerchant
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Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3179
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Wed Jan 23, 2013 7:05 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Maggie, a blonde city girl, marries a New Zealand dairy farmer.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to
Maggie, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows
today

I drove a nail into the rail above the cow's stall in the barn.
You
show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

So then the farmer leaves for the fields.* ****

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the
front door.

Maggie takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and
when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.'

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy
blonde, the man asks,*****

'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?'

That's simple, by the nail over its stall', Maggie explains very
confidently.

Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says,* ......

'I guess it's to hang your trousers on.'

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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3179
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Wed Jan 23, 2013 7:06 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

An old man and woman hate each other, but remain married for years. During their shouting fights, the old man constantly warns his wife, "If I die first, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

One day, the man abruptly dies. After the burial, the wife goes straight to the local bar and begins to party. Her friends ask if she isn't worried about her husband digging himself out of the grave.

The wife smiles, "Let the old bugger dig. I had him buried upside down!"

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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3179
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Thu Jan 31, 2013 8:24 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Sally was driving home from one of her business
trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly
Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped
the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like
a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into
the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make
a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old
woman just sat silently, looking intently at
everything she saw, studying every little detail,
until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's
a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or
two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,
she said:

'Good trade.....'

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Vampiremerchant
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Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3179
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Thu Jan 31, 2013 8:25 am Reply with quoteBack to top

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:


"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your
husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.

She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"

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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3179
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sat Feb 02, 2013 7:41 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Image




Image

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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3179
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Fri Feb 08, 2013 8:28 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

First date.

Conversation starts with the lady asking the man if he drinks.

Lady: Do you drink?

Man: Yes

Lady: How much a day?

Man: 3 six packs

Lady: How much per six pack

Man: about $10.00

Lady: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: 15 years

Lady: So 1 six pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 six packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?

Lady: No

Man: Where's your 'effin' Ferrari?

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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3179
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Thu Feb 14, 2013 8:33 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Image

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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3179
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Thu Feb 21, 2013 8:52 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Image

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Esox lucius
cat strangler


Joined: 26 May 2010
Posts: 2633
Location: Somewhere down the crazy river!


PostPosted: Thu Feb 21, 2013 11:16 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Image

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Sand Timer (Br Joe)



"..May your unborn kids don't grow and may you be burnt to ashes asap ! " CCS
"..Sir we have given you more than 5 different accounts yet you still complaining " SCB
" YOU LOW LIFE SATANIC AGENT, FORWARD THESE MESSAGES TO YOUR MOTHER AND FATHER, THEY WILL DEFINITELY ENJOY READING THEM." RG
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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3179
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Fri Feb 22, 2013 3:08 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Actual writings in a Mpumalanga Hospital (South Africa) Register

1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with B only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year..
7. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
9. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
10. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3179
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Fri Feb 22, 2013 3:12 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Bell trick...


John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. >

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favourite rooster, old Paul, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Paul's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Paul had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Paul, he entered him in the Bairnsdale Agricultural Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Paul the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Paul was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.


Vote carefully in the next election; the bells are not always audible.

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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3179
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sat Feb 23, 2013 7:29 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter

. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."

"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"

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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3179
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sat Feb 23, 2013 7:34 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A man walked into an insurance office and asked for a job. "We don't need anyone," the manager replied.

"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anytime anything."

"We have two prospects that no one has been able to sell to. If you can sell just one, you have a job."

He was gone for about two hours and returned and handed the manager two checks, one for an $80,000 policy and another for a $50,000 policy. "How in the world did you do that?" the manager asked.

"I told you I'm the world's best salesman. I can sell anyone anytime anything."

"Did you get a urine sample?" the manager asked him.

"Why's that?" he asked.

"Well, if you sell a policy over $40,000, the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."

He was gone for about eight hours and then he walked in with two 5-gallon buckets, one in each hand. He set the buckets down and reached in his shirt pocket, producing two bottles of urine. After setting them on the desk, he said, "Here's Mr. Brown's, and this one is Mr. Smith's."

"That's good," the manager said, "but what's in those two buckets?"

"Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention. I sold them a group policy!"

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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3179
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sun Feb 24, 2013 5:58 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Traffic Camera

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding...
Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed.

He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace...

Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt...

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Corona
Baiting Guru


Joined: 21 Sep 2006
Posts: 8651
Location: On ya left!


PostPosted: Mon Feb 25, 2013 4:23 am Reply with quoteBack to top

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD,

AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to
bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed,
which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to
go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing
things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing
from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your
doors and an officer will be along when one is available"

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.


"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people
stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now
because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now
" and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire
Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence,
and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot
them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(True Story)

I LOVE IT!

Don't mess with old people.

Laughing Laughing Laughing

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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3179
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Mon Feb 25, 2013 8:54 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her pupils put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.

By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.'

She looked, and sure enough, they were.

Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier pulling the boots off, than it was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to.

Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner had they got the boots off when he said,
'They're my brother's boots. But my Mom made me wear 'em today.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.

But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to
wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She'll be eligible for parole in three years.

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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3179
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Mon Feb 25, 2013 7:42 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

My girlfriend, being the romantic sort, just sent me a text…………..

“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you darling. XXX.”

I replied…….

“I’m having a s**t, what should I do?”

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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3179
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Thu Feb 28, 2013 6:45 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit. "This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.

And so they argued before the King until he called for silence.

"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall cut the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."

"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.

But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.

"But she was willing to cut him in two!" exclaimed the king's advisor.

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."

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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3179
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Thu Feb 28, 2013 6:48 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A Mother-in-law decides to see if her three son-in-law's love her or at least appreciate her...

The next day while strolling along the river with her first son-in-law, she lets herself fall into the water and starts to drown.

Without hesitation, the son-in-law jumps in the river and saves his mother-in-law.

The next day, in front of his house, he finds a new car, a City Honda, with a little note on the windshield: Thank-you on behalf of your mother-in-law.

She undertakes the same scenario with her second eldest son-in-law. This one too, dives into the river and saves his mother-in-law. The next day, he too, in front of his house, finds a new car: the same City Honda with a little note on the windshield: Thank-you on behalf of your mother-in-law.

The same scenario occurs with the third son-in-law, she falls in the water and starts to drown. He watches his mother-in-law drown while thinking to himself: I've been waiting a long time for this!

The next day, in front of his house, he sees a brand new Mercedez with a little note on the windshield: Thank-you on behalf of your father-in-law.

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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3179
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Thu Feb 28, 2013 9:53 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken wall at 10 Downing Street ;



one from London, another from Bristol and the third, Liverpool ..

They go with a government official to examine the wall.

The London contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

'Well', he says, 'I figure the job will run about £900: £400 for materials, £400 for my crew and £100 profit for me.'


The Bristol contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says, 'I can do this job for £700: £300 for materials,

£300 for my crew and £100 profit for me.'


The Liverpool contractor doesn't measure or figure but leans over to the Government official and whispers, "£2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?'

The Liverpool contractor whispers back, '£1000 for me, £1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Bristol to fix the wall.'

'Done!' replies the government official.

And that friends, ..... is how it all works.

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nicclause
Not quite a Newb


Joined: 31 Dec 2012
Posts: 35
Location: Not all there


PostPosted: Sat Mar 02, 2013 3:17 am Reply with quoteBack to top

I know avatar bragging is probably frowned upon, but the only way to make my avatar readable is post it. I hope you don't mind the intrusion to your thread. Sooo....

Image

payments of $16.49US only may only be made via WU/MG some shipping may apply though convienient Handle already attached. Risky free insurance on shipment may require additional fees. not valid in any counrty already specified under property copywrongs and suchythings. May GOD purnish u mugu lads according to their needs.

edit-image edited to improve political correctness. (please note the creature in custody is now a one eyed no horned lying purple people eater.)

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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3179
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sat Mar 02, 2013 7:26 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A gang of notorious bank robbers stormed through the
doors waving their guns and demanding all the customers
line up against the wall. While some of his men started
putting the money from the safe into bags, the leader
shouted to his hostages, “Before we go, we’re going to rape
all the men and rob all the women.”
Hearing this, one of the gang turned to him and said, “Boss,
you mean rape all the women and rob all the men.”
Suddenly a young gay man said, “Hey, he’s the boss, you
should do as he says.”

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My dear Brother , if I have to you to scam you, May the WROGHT of GOD be upon me and my generation
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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3179
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sat Mar 02, 2013 7:27 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A fishing boat had crashed onto the rocks in heavy seas and
the lighthouse keeper was taken to court for negligence. His
lawyer asked him “Did you carry out your duties on the night
in question?”
The lighthouse keeper described his work, how the
machinery flashed the light on and off and how he
constantly watched the seas through his telescope. The jury
was so impressed with his testimony that they found him not
guilty.
Later, the lawyer congratulated him on being such a clear
speaker.
“Thank you,” said the lighthouse keeper, “but I was worried
for a while.”
“How come?” asked the lawyer.
“I was worried that someone was going to ask me if the light
was working.”

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Closed lad accounts x 35 Easter Egg

Mortar x 100

Thailand (with thanks to Nigel Tuffnel)
Thailand United Kingdom
Thailand
Thailand
Thailand









My dear Brother , if I have to you to scam you, May the WROGHT of GOD be upon me and my generation
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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3179
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sat Mar 02, 2013 7:28 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

The recruiting officer was giving a lecture on survival to an
adult education class at the local college. He laid out all the
items from his knapsack including flares, water, chocolate,
torch, map, warm clothing etc. plus a pack of cards.
“What are the cards for?” asked one bright spark.
“Ah ha,” replied the officer. “Once you’ve tried all other
means of survival, take your pack of cards and lay out a
game of patience. You can lay odds that after a couple of
minutes some bugger will come along and say black eight on
the red nine!”

_________________
* Help Keep Eater Running - Click here to donate


Closed lad accounts x 35 Easter Egg

Mortar x 100

Thailand (with thanks to Nigel Tuffnel)
Thailand United Kingdom
Thailand
Thailand
Thailand









My dear Brother , if I have to you to scam you, May the WROGHT of GOD be upon me and my generation
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