Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day

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Posted: Tue Apr 10, 2012 5:43 pm

Posted: Tue Apr 17, 2012 3:13 am

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey, 'she said, 'you received a very strange post card today. Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later'. The wife watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written: 'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three, with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce!

Laughing

Posted: Sat Apr 21, 2012 1:49 pm

Everyone in the hotel was talking about the wedding where the groom was 85 years old and the bride was only 23. The groom looked pretty feeble, and some of the guests thought that the wedding night could kill the old man, because his bride was a healthy and vivacious young woman.

But the next morning, everyone was surprised to see the bride come down the main stairway slowly, step by step, and painfully bold-legged. She finally managed to hobble to the front desk.

The clerk looked very concerned, and he asked the bride, "What happened to you? You look like you just got done wrestling an alligator."

"My God," said the bride. "He told me that he had been saving up for 65 years.... I thought he meant his money!"

Posted: Thu Apr 26, 2012 11:46 am

A guy walks into a bakers to buy a cake.
"How much is this one?" he asks. "One pound" replies the baker.
"And this one?" "Thats one pound too" replies the baker.
"And what about this one down here?" "Thats also one pound" the baker responds.
"So are all your cakes one pound then?" asks the guy.
"More or less," replies the baker.
"Fair enough, give me that one up there then" says the guy.
"There you go. That'll be two pound please" says the baker.
The guy looks at the baker surprised.
"I thought all your cakes were a pound?"
"Aye" replies the baker.
"But thats madeira cake!"

Posted: Sun Apr 29, 2012 11:05 am

The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms, and kissed her.

She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she said, "but I'm not that kind!"

"Actually, I've never tried to kiss a model before," he protested.

"Really?" she said, softening. "Well, how many models have there been?"

"Four so far," he replied, thinking back. "A jug, two apples and a vase."

Posted: Mon Apr 30, 2012 1:48 am

Posted: Mon Apr 30, 2012 7:31 pm

Depth limit for recreational divers - 12 metres

Depth limit for experienced divers - 18 metres

Depth at which nitrogen bubbles develop in your blood - 30 metres

Scuba diving world record - 137 metres

Depth my £14.99 watch will operate up to - 500 metres

Cheers Casio, that's a relief

Posted: Fri May 04, 2012 11:37 am

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

Posted: Thu May 10, 2012 4:46 am

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner, a New Englander, and a Californian, an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47 Africans walk into a fine restaurant....

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', scrutinizing the group one by one and barring their entrance, "you can't come in here without a Thai."

Posted: Thu May 10, 2012 4:51 am

Through some cosmic fluke, Reagan, Thatcher, and Gorbachev all died on
the same day. Off they went to the gates of Heaven. Peter, seeing that
these were all VIPs, sent them straight off to the Almighty.
God, sitting on his throne, called up Reagan.
"Ronald, my son, what have you to say for yourself?"
"I tried to improve the US economy," replied Reagan, "and I did my best to
benefit the nation."
"Very well, my son, come up and sit beside me at my right hand."
And so Reagan sat at his right.
God then called up Gorbachev.
"Mikhail, my son, what have you to say for yourself?"
"I tried to make Soviet society more open," replied Gorbachev, "and I did
my best to improve the Soviet economy."
"Very well, my son, come up and sit beside me at my left hand."
And so Gorbachev sat at his left.
God then called up Thatcher.
"Margaret, my daughter, what have you to say for yourself?"
"Only two things," replied Thatcher.
"First of all, I'm not your daughter. Secondly, get out of my chair!

Posted: Thu May 10, 2012 8:58 am

Cursed with a bald head and a wooden leg, a man is surprised to learn that he’s been invited to a fancy dress party. Deciding that he might pull it off if he wears a costume to hide his head and leg, he writes to a theatrical outfitters asking them for advice.

A few days later, he receives a parcel from the company with a note that says, ‘Dear sir. Please find enclosed a pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head, and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a buccaneer.’

Unfortunately, the man finds this deeply insulting, as they have so clearly emphasized his wooden leg, so he fires off a letter of complaint.

A week passes before the postman delivers another parcel with a note that reads, ‘Dear sir, sorry about our previous suggestion – please find enclosed a monk’s habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.’

This infuriates the man again, because they have simply switched from emphasizing his wooden leg to his balding head, so he writes the company another letter of complaint.

The next day he receives a tiny parcel and a hastily scrawled note, which reads: ‘Dear sir, please find enclosed a tin of treacle. Pour it over your head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple, you grumpy bastard.’

Posted: Thu May 10, 2012 8:15 pm

Calvin Rickson, an engineer from Texas A&M University, has designed a bra that keeps women's breast from jiggling, bouncing up and down and keeps nipples from pushing through fabric when cold weather sets in.

After a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took Mr. Rickson outside a kicked the sh!t out of him.

Posted: Sun May 13, 2012 8:39 am

Posted: Sun May 13, 2012 9:02 am

Interesting piece of history...

In 1872 the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

Posted: Wed May 16, 2012 1:24 am

Angela Merkel arrives in Greece to discuss the European debt crisis and is asked at passport control, "occupation?"

To which she replies, "no, just visiting".

Posted: Wed May 16, 2012 4:33 am

THis bloke was sitting on a stool at the bar when a beautefull young girl went to sit down next to him.
"Don't sit there he said the waiter will spill a tray of drinks on that stool. She sat the other side, sure enough the waiter came along tripped and spilt a tray of drinks.
The girl said how did you know that was going to happen? O'h he said I'm a medium I predict things. I don't believe you she said.
Well said the bloke when you go home tonight sit on the right hand side of the bus as a lorry will crash into the left side.Sure enough on the way home a lorry came around the corner and hit the left side of the bus. Next day the girl came in and was still stunned from where the lorry had crashed into the bus.
Can you teach me to predict things like that she asked. Sure he said, We'll take a beer home to my place and start the lessons. When they got to his flat he said, take your clothes off, she said not likley, he said if you want to learn how to predict things he said you will have to take your clothes off. Alright she said, and took them off, the bloke said now lay on the bed, no thanks she said, do you want to learn how to predict things or not? oh alright she said and lay on the bed. He immediatly jumped on her, "I JUST KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO DO THAT. she said. " There you are" the bloke said "your learning to predict things already".

Posted: Wed May 16, 2012 8:49 am

There's a new disorder afflicting gunners and loaders serving in tanks; for some reason they are given to uncontrollable bouts of swearing.

It's been dubbed Turrets Syndrome.

Posted: Thu May 17, 2012 7:38 am

Am a little fairy
On tap o' the Christmas Tree
It's no' a job ah fancy
Well how would you like tae be me

Aw tarted up wi' tinsel
It's enough to make ye boak
An a couple o' jaggy branches
Rammed up the back o' your frock

An' these wee lights aw roon me
I canny get tae sleep
An' there's the yearly visit
Fae Santa - Big fat creep!

On Christmas Day I'm stuck up here
While you're aw wirin' in
An' naebody says "Hey you up there
Could you go a slug o' gin?

It's nae joke bein' a fairy
The job's beyond belief
You've got to go roon' the wean's beds
An' lift their rotten teeth

But o' aw the joabs a fairy gets
An' I've mentioned only some
The very worst is sitting up a tree
Wi' pine needles up yir bum

When aw the fairies meet again
By the light of' the silvery moon
Ye can tell the Christmas fairies
They're the wans that canna sit doon

The Christmas tree's a bonny sight
As the firelight softly flickers
But think o' me I'm stuck up here
Wi' needles in my knickers

So soon as Christmas time's aw by
An' I stop bein' sae full o' cheer
I'll get awa back tae Fairyland
An' I'll see yous aw next year

Posted: Fri May 25, 2012 3:55 pm

http://www.27bslash6.com/halogen.html

Haven't read his site for awhile but this one cracked me up.

Posted: Fri May 25, 2012 5:18 pm

^^^^^ That's awesome!

Posted: Fri May 25, 2012 8:19 pm

A student at an English university, by name of Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye, was living in the hall of residence during his first year.

After he had been there for a month, his mother came to visit, no doubt carrying reinforcements of oatmeal, whiskey and haggis.

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Mother," he replied, "They're such terrible noisy people! The one on that side keeps banging his head against the wall, and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams and screams away into the night!"

"Oh, Donald! How ever do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?"

"Mother, I do nothing, I just ignore them! I just stay here quietly playing my bagpipes!

Posted: Fri May 25, 2012 8:26 pm

Things we should have learnt by now.

1 . Never , under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2 . Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

3 . If you must choose between two evils, pick the one youve never tried before.

4 .There is no shred of evidence that supports the notion that life is to be taken seriously.

5 . For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

6. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

7 . Eat well ,stay fit , die anyway.

8 .Men are from earth , women are from earth deal with it.

9 .No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

10 . Middle age is when broadness of mind and narrowness of waist change places.

11 .Junk is something you ve kept for years and throw it away three weeks before you need it.

12 . there is always one more imbecile more than you counted on.

13 .Experience is a wonderful thing, it enables you to recognise a mistake
when you make it again.

14 . people who want to share their religious views with you , almost never want you to share yours with them.

15 . Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the ARK, A large group of professionals built the TITANIC

Posted: Sat May 26, 2012 8:15 pm

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heavens gate waiting on St. Peter to do the paperwork so they can enter. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sit for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven." "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. "Geez!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer?"

Posted: Tue May 29, 2012 11:07 pm

http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/60-completely-unusable-stock-photos

Posted: Wed May 30, 2012 4:29 am

A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of turpentine.
He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.
A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.
The little boy said, This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine

The Priest said, No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water.
If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.

The little boy replied, may be so Father but if you rub turpentine on a cat's ****, he'll pass a Harley Davidson.

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