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Scentless Apprentice
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Joined: 26 Sep 2009
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 18, 2011 7:32 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Anybody in need of a Screen-cleaner

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Pastor Frank
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 19, 2011 2:25 am Reply with quoteBack to top

I may be behind the curve, but this is one interesting website.

http://www.retronaut.co/

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Vampiremerchant
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Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3180
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Mon Dec 19, 2011 10:13 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about two seconds to say "Gimme a break lady! Your daughter is pregnant."

The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation.

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"

"Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they would show up again and help me figure this out."

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Corona
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Joined: 21 Sep 2006
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 20, 2011 3:01 am Reply with quoteBack to top

BIG PEOPLE WORDS


A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!

You need to use 'Big People words,' she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend?
'I went to visit my Nana.'

'No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!'
She then asked Mitchell what he had done
'I took a ride on a choo-choo.'
She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words.'

She then asked little Alex what he had done?
'I read a book,' he replied.

That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said.

'What book did you read?'

( I love this...)


Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said:

"Winnie the SHIT"


Laughing Laughing Laughing

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Vampiremerchant
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Joined: 01 Nov 2009
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 20, 2011 10:07 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A guy came home from work last night and told his wife that He'd been given a huge promotion at work which means he gets his own office and gets to employ his own private secretary.

"Well you'd better hire someone who's a bit old, fat and ugly", she said, "I don't want you choosing someone who you're going to be tempted to have sex with."

"That's fair enough", He replied, "When can you start?"

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Vampiremerchant
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Joined: 01 Nov 2009
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 20, 2011 10:08 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A guy went on a date one evening.
He said, "So, are you a vampire?"
"No," she said, with a puzzled look
on her face.
He said, "So you can see your reflection
and you still come out looking like that?"

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Vampiremerchant
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Joined: 01 Nov 2009
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Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Fri Dec 23, 2011 8:00 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

1.The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table whenshe suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the
change."

2. When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist knobs. I mean, it's not as if she'd
have to reverse the bloody thing!

3. Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed six people in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

4. Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

5. A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

6. Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

7. An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swam with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

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Vampiremerchant
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Joined: 01 Nov 2009
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Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Mon Jan 02, 2012 10:23 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

In a train compartment, there are three men and one ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in a conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.

Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs.

Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10, I'll show you my thighs." Men being what they are, they all pull out a ten-dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her panties.

Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."

Naturally, all three fork over the money, and then the girl turns to the window and points to a hospital in the distance and says, "There!"

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Vampiremerchant
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Joined: 01 Nov 2009
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Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Fri Jan 13, 2012 8:25 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub?

He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, "Margaret, put your hat and coat on lassie."

She replied, "Awe Jock, that's nice. Are ye taking me tae the pub with ye?"

"Naw," he replied. "I'm switching the heat aff while I'm oot," .

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dingleberry_picker
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Joined: 17 Jan 2012
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 18, 2012 2:22 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Just bought a raffle ticket to win a cruise in the Mediterranean, last weeks was a rollover...

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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3180
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Wed Jan 18, 2012 6:18 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincents Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery,
the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood,
it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out to all the states.
Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW,
diamonds & US dollars.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a jar of candies.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money... But you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies".
To this the Arab replied: "Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in my veins".__

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Vampiremerchant
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 18, 2012 6:20 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Wee Billy from Glesga always wanted to look cool.

His friend told him that he needed a good designer pair of trainers to go with his shell suit.

Billy saved up all his Giros and all the money he got back from returning his empty bottles of Ginger and finally managed to get himself a pair of brilliant white trainers to go with his shell suit.

Proudly, he strutted down the street calling out to all the passers by "See ma new trainers? Stonkin, eh?"

One fine upstanding gentleman pointed out that they were indeed a fine pair of trainers but was young Billy aware that one shoelace was undone?

Billy scornfully retorted that it was part of being cool to have a trailing lace on one trainer, and that on the sole of the trainer there were instructions for the wearer to do such a thing.

When asked for proof of this instruction, Billy look off his trainer and held it upside down for the disbeliever to read.

"There y'are! It clearly says ....

Taiwan !!!!!

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Vampiremerchant
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 28, 2012 7:04 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A motorcycle mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a BMW M3 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is that I make $24,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?"


The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic.....

"Try doing it with the engine running."

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Vampiremerchant
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 28, 2012 7:07 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

How to be a gracious b**ch!

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!

Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. “Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,” she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.''

A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear....I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.''

Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often. But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected!

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Scentless Apprentice
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 01, 2012 3:20 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Damn You Auto Correct

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Vampiremerchant
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Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3180
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Wed Feb 01, 2012 6:02 am Reply with quoteBack to top

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see RockCity and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her t!ts are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried!!

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Vampiremerchant
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 03, 2012 6:07 am Reply with quoteBack to top

A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.

The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.

The second Sunday, he talks for only fifteen minutes.

The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.

The Pastor explains:

The first Sunday his gums hurt so bad that he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes.

The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 15 minutes. --

But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...

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Corona
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Joined: 21 Sep 2006
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 07, 2012 3:03 am Reply with quoteBack to top

MARRIAGE COUNSELING AFTER 35 YEARS OF MARRIAGE:

A husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the
problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had
ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on she went:

Neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and

unlovable, and entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the

therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to

stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her
husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.

The woman quietly sat down as though in a daze.


The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife

needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"


The husband replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and

Wednesdays, but on Fridays....I golf."

Laughing Laughing Laughing

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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3180
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Tue Feb 07, 2012 9:29 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on
consumer goods.


Printed on Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) --
'Do not turn upside down.'
(well,...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Sainsbury's peanuts --
'Warning: contains nuts.'
(talk about a news flash)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine --
'Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.'
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding --
'Product will be hot after heating.'
(...and you thought????...)

On a Sears hairdryer --
Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)


On a bag of Fritos --
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap --
'Directions: Use like regular soap.'
(and that would be???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners --
'Serving suggestion: Defrost.'
(but, it's just a suggestion.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron --
'Do not iron clothes on body.'
(but wouldn't this save me time?)

On Nytol Sleep Aid --
'Warning: May cause drowsiness.'
(..I'm taking this because???.....)

On most brands of Christmas lights --
'For indoor or outdoor use only.'
(as opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor --
'Not to be used for the other use.'
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)


On an American Airlines packet of nuts --
'Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.'
(Step 3: say what?)

On a child's Superman costume --
'Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.'
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw --
'Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.'
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere ?)

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Corona
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Joined: 21 Sep 2006
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 16, 2012 3:59 am Reply with quoteBack to top

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....'Go get your Mother'

Laughing Laughing Laughing

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Vampiremerchant
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 18, 2012 1:10 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Woman called her husband.

She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day, they are absolutely gorgeous."

He said, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."

Laughing

A guy was telling a girl in the pub about his uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" He replied.

*********************************************************

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Corona
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 18, 2012 11:08 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

MEN DO REMEMBER
ANNIVERSARIES


A woman awakes during the night
to find that her husband
was not in their bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee,
'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily..

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

'I would have been released today. '

Laughing Laughing Laughing

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SlapHappy
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Location: Floating up and down with happiness.


PostPosted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 5:11 am Reply with quoteBack to top

My mother took my father to the eye doctor the other day.
He's in a wheelchair. She gets him just in inside the door, and starts trying to get his coat off. Not easy in a wheelchair...
As she's yanking and pulling and trying to get it off him, a guy starts walking in the door.
My fathers says, "What the hell is that on my shoulders!?"
My mother replied, "That's your head!"
The guy coming in the door cracked up.

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Yastreb
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Joined: 04 Apr 2006
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Location: Leading my wolf pack


PostPosted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 5:58 am Reply with quoteBack to top

A while back I had a computer with some quirky settings for Word docs. Anything in the passive voice gave it a conniption. Here are some of the sentences that caused it to suggest some really weird re-wordings (computer's versions in italics).

By order of the commander of the Brigade "Simo Radic" the American pilot was murdered by known cutthroat Milan Matijevic, who finished him off by crushing his skull with a stone.
By order of the commander of the Brigade known cutthroat Milan Matijevic, who finished him off by crushing his skull with a stone, murdered "Simo Radic" the American pilot.

The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as "bright" by his peers.
The technician suspected of causing his peers had never thought of the blast as "bright".

It should be noted that Sister Bullwinkel was the sole survivor of the nurses’ massacre at Banka Island by the Japanese.
The Japanese should note.

Their bodies were hung up on lampposts and from balconies along the main streets of the town, in the hope that the hanging bodies would deter future attacks by the Maquis.
The Maquis hanged up their bodies on lampposts and from balconies along the main streets of the town, in the hope that the hanging bodies would deter future attacks.

Peter Stone, 42 years old, was murdered by his 8-year-old daughter, who he had just sent to her room with no dinner.
His 8-year-old daughter, who he had just sent to her room with no dinner, 42 years old, murdered Peter Stone.

Nearly 200 Americans were killed by their own side before the mutiny was crushed.
Nearly 200 their own side before the mutiny killed Americans was crushed.

The object was later stated by the US military to have been a specialised surveillance balloon.
The US military to have been a specialised surveillance balloon later stated the object.

Georgann Williams, 28, of Little Rock, Arkansas, was killed after leaping through her moving car's sunroof during an incident best described as "a mistaken rapture" by eyewitnesses.
Eyewitnesses killed Georgann Williams, 28, of Little Little Rock, Arkansas, after leaping through her moving car’s sunroof during an incident best described as “a mistaken rapture”.

A 62-year-old farmer was found dead in his barn by a neighbour, crushed beneath the hydraulic scoop of his tractor.
A neighbour, crushed beneath the hydraulic scoop of his tractor found a 62-year-old farmer dead in his barn.

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Vampiremerchant
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Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3180
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sun Feb 19, 2012 6:11 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong.
'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.

'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'
Knowing her patients were a little
forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied,
'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my
condolences..'The following day, Mr.
Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part
hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy .
'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down
the hall like that. Please put your Private Part
back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I
can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that
my Private Part died.'

Yes,' said Nurse Tracy ,
'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your
pajamas?'


'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

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