Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day

By joining our community you will have the ability to post topics and access other forums reserved for members. Registration is quick, simple and absolutely free. Join our community today by clicking here.

Posted: Tue Sep 06, 2011 9:02 am

Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house
exclaiming, "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly?
I can't button me pants."

"Oh Angus, I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs
and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it."
About 5 minutes later, there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit
of yelling and the sound of a body falling down the stairs.

Walking back in the door with a blackened eye and a bloody nose comes Angus.

The little lady looks at him and says, "My God, what happened to
ya? Did you ask her like I told you?"

"Aye," says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button, an she
did, everything was goin' fine but when she bent doon to bite off
the wee thread, Mr. MacDonald walked in."

Posted: Tue Sep 06, 2011 2:09 pm

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the
pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron.
"He eats everything in sight. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in
the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a cocktail cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "No, what?" asks the patron.
"Well, he stuck a cocktail cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that
damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

Posted: Wed Sep 07, 2011 8:50 pm

Old Hamish and his wife are watching an Evangelist preacher on the TV,The Evangelist tells them to put one hand on the screen and touch any aflicted part of their body with the other hand.

Hamish’s wife totters over to the screen,Touches the glass with one hand and places the other on her Arthritic hip.

Old Hamish decides to get in on the act,So he totters over to the TV,Places one hand on the screen and sticks the other one up his Kilt.

"Hamish",Say’s his wife,Were ye no listening?The man’s healing the sick,Not raising the bloody dead

Posted: Sat Sep 17, 2011 2:43 am

Lovey told me that he was going to trade me in on two 20 year olds. I told him that he wasn't wired for 2/20. Laughing

Posted: Sun Sep 18, 2011 6:55 pm

Dangerous new computer virus
Just got this in from a reliable source. It seems there is a virus called the "Senile Virus" that even the most advanced antivirus programs cannot remove ..... so be warned. The virus appears to affect those of us who were born before 1960!

Symptoms of the Senile Virus:

Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
Causes you to send blank e-mail.
Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
Causes you to send e-mail back to the person who sent it to you.
Causes you to forget to attach attachments.
Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've

Posted: Tue Sep 20, 2011 5:31 am

After leaving the local village pub a priest cycles home through the countryside, when all of a sudden he comes across a dead piglet at the side of the road, so he cycles on to the next phone box to ring the police, he's put through to the desk sergeant and explains to the officer (with a slurred voice) about the desceased animal, the desk sergeant in attempt at sarcastic humour asks the priest if he gave the animal its last rites....

To which the priest replies "no, I thought I'd ring the next of kin first"

Posted: Wed Sep 21, 2011 12:19 pm

Wife ask husband, "How many women have you slept with?"

Husband replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others, I was awake."

Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 AM to 8 PM

Apparently that was the wrong answer !!!!

Laughing

Hello I'm New here! Joined: 19 Sep 2011 Posts: 2

THE MADAM OPENED THE BROTHEL DOOR IN NEVADA AND SAW A RATHER DIGNIFIED,
WELL-DRESSED, GOOD-LOOKING MAN IN HIS LATE FORTIES OR EARLY FIFTIES.

'MAY I HELP YOU SIR?' SHE ASKED.

'I WOULD LIKE TO SEE VALERIE,' THE MAN REPLIED.

'SIR, VALERIE IS ONE OF OUR MOST EXPENSIVE LADIES. PERHAPS YOU WOULD
PREFER SOMEONE ELSE', SAID THE MADAM.

'NO, I WOULD LIKE TO SEE VALERIE,' HE REPLIED.

JUST THEN, VALERIE APPEARED AND ANNOUNCED TO THE MAN SHE CHARGED $5000 A
VISIT. WITHOUT HESITATION, THE MAN PULLED OUT FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS AND
GAVE IT TO VALERIE, AND THEY WENT UPSTAIRS. AFTER AN HOUR, THE MAN
CALMLY LEFT.

THE NEXT NIGHT, THE MAN APPEARED AGAIN, ONCE MORE DEMANDING TO SEE
VALERIE. VALERIE EXPLAINED THAT NO ONE HAD EVER COME BACK TWO NIGHTS IN
A ROW AS SHE WAS TOO EXPENSIVE. BUT THERE WERE NO DISCOUNTS. THE PRICE
WAS STILL $5000. AGAIN, THE MAN PULLED OUT THE MONEY, GAVE IT TO
VALERIE, AND THEY WENT UPSTAIRS. AFTER AN HOUR, HE LEFT.

THE FOLLOWING NIGHT THE MAN WAS THERE YET AGAIN. EVERYONE WAS ASTOUNDED
THAT HE HAD COME FOR A THIRD CONSECUTIVE NIGHT, BUT HE PAID VALERIE AND
THEY WENT UPSTAIRS.

AFTER THEIR SESSION, VALERIE QUESTIONED THE MAN, 'NO ONE HAS EVER BEEN
WITH ME THREE NIGHTS IN A ROW. WHERE ARE YOU FROM?' SHE ASKED.

THE MAN REPLIED, ' MINNESOTA .'

'REALLY', SHE SAID. 'I HAVE FAMILY IN MINNESOTA .'

'I KNOW.' THE MAN SAID. 'YOUR SISTER DIED, AND I AM HER ATTORNEY. SHE
ASKED ME TO GIVE YOU YOUR $15,000 INHERITANCE. '

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS THAT THREE THINGS IN LIFE ARE CERTAIN.

1. DEATH
2. TAXES, AND
3. BEING SCREWED BY A LAWYER

http://www.offensive-jokes.com/joke639-Be-careful-who-you-deal-with.html

Posted: Thu Sep 22, 2011 6:54 pm

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."
Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river -- look, my suit's still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."
"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."

Posted: Thu Sep 22, 2011 6:57 pm

At a meeting for peace negotiations Bill Clinton and Sadamm Hussein were in Baghdad and when bill sat down in the conference room he noticed Saddamm with three buttons on the arm of his chair. after a few minutes Sadamm pressed the first button and a boxing glove sprung up and hit Bill square in the jaw. In the spirit of peace Bill decided to ignore this and continued talking until sadamm pressed the second button and a wooden bat swung out and hill Bill in the chin. Sadamm started laughing. But again Bill ignored this and continued . A minute later Bill saw Sadamm press the third button and he jumped in the air. But a big boot sprung out and hit him in the balls. Bill had decided he had enough of this and when back home.

Three weeks later the peace negotiations were re-scheduled in Washington and as Sadamm sat down in Bills conference room he noticed Bill had three buttons on the arm of his chair. A little while after they started talking Bill pressed the first button but nothing happened, Bill started giggling. They continued to talk then Bill pressed the second button, Sadamm moved but again nothing happened. Sadamm was getting a little jumpy and Bill was laughing even harder. A few minutes later Bill pressed the third button and stared pissing himself but like the others nothing happened. Sadamm had enough of this, stood up and said "That's it! I'm going back to Baghdad!" , to which Bill replied "What Baghdad?"

Posted: Thu Sep 22, 2011 7:00 pm

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.
He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

Posted: Thu Sep 22, 2011 7:23 pm

Every year at the state fair Paul entered the lottery for the brand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend David, he wasn't going to bother and enter.

"What kind of attitude is that?" David asked. He leaned closer and whispered, "What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message."

Strolling around the fair, Paul grew more and more despondent as the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration, no sign from God.

Finally, while he was passing old Mrs. Kelleher's pie stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down. She wasn't wearing any panties, and suddenly her @ss began to glow. Suddenly a finger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it, the fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek.
Thanking God, Paul rushed to the raffle booth and played the number 77.
A few minutes later, the drawing was held. And once again, Paul lost. The winning number was 707.

Baiting Guru Joined: 31 Jan 2007 Posts: 12237

I don't know where to put this, interesting if you're an American about my age.

http://www.retroweb.com/40acres/40acres_aerial_1965.jpg

Posted: Sun Sep 25, 2011 11:31 am

^^Yeah! Gomer Pyle!

Posted: Mon Sep 26, 2011 5:52 pm

The Navy Chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him, "Get over here! What's your name sailor?"

"John." the new seaman replied.

"Look I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by his first name." the chief scowled. "It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority,"

"I refer to my sailors by their last names only: Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever. And you are to refer to me as 'Chief'. Do I make myself clear?"

"Aye. Aye Chief!"

"Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?"

The seaman sighed. "Darling. My name is John Darling, Chief."

"Okay. John, here's what I want you to do..."

Posted: Wed Sep 28, 2011 8:18 am

I would like to share an experience with you all, to do with drinking and driving
As you know some people have brushes with the authorities on their way home
Well I for one have done something about it. The other night I was out for a dinner
and a few drinks, and having had far too much vino, and knowing full well I was
over the limit, I did something I have never done before. I took a bus home.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before.

Posted: Wed Sep 28, 2011 12:43 pm

$2 Hearing Aid

After months of gentle urging from his wife, a man finally had to admit he needed a hearing aid.

The audiologist confirmed it. "How much do they cost?" he asked her.

"As you might expect," she said, "There's quite a wide range. They run from $2.00 to $2,000."

"Wow, the low end is lower than I would have ever guessed!" he said. "Let's see the $2.00 model."

The woman gave a knowing nod, and pulled it out of the closest drawer. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," she said.

"How does it work?" the man asked.

"Oh now, come on! For $2.00 it doesn't work!" she said.

"I don't understand," the man said, but the woman had heard that before.

"When people see it on you," she said, "they know to talk louder."

Posted: Sat Oct 01, 2011 4:08 am

After he comes home rolling drunk for the umpteenth time, his wife warns her husband, that if it happens again, she's leaving him.
The following Friday night, with her words ringing in his ears he heads out to the pub with his mates! 20 pints later, and a number of shots... he manages to vomit all down himself!
Horrified, he says to his mate, " If my missus sees me like this, that's it she's leaving!"
" Listen don't worry", his mate says. " Explain to her that some drunk at the pub spewed all over you, produce a $20 note from your pocket, and say he gave you this clean it up.... you'll be fine"

In he staggers to be greeted by his wife. "What the hell happened... look at the state of you?"
"It's OK", he says. " A bloke at the pub chucked all over me but he gave me a $20 note to pay for the cleaning".

" So why do you have 2 $20 notes in your hand then? " she asks.

" The other one's from the bloke that shat in my trousers".

Posted: Sat Oct 01, 2011 6:29 am

Where's the zombie thread?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IgV1AVSz8jw&feature=youtu.be

Posted: Sat Oct 01, 2011 2:14 pm

Bob is driving home through a country area one evening when he suddenly catches sight of something in the headlights, right in the middle of the road. He slams on the brakes and gets out of the car to investigate. As he gets closer, he sees it's a squirrel, but smeared from head to foot in ~love~.

"The poor wee animal," thinks Bob, so he rushes back to the car and grabs a box of Kleenex to clean up the squirrel.

When he's finished and the squirrel has skipped back into the undergrowth, another squirrel jumps out of the bush, again completely covered in ~love~. Bob sets about wiping the ~love~ off this poor squirrel and just as it strolls happily back into the bushes yet another hops out and it's plastered in ~love~ as well.

"What is going on here?" says Bob, as he starts to clean up the third squirrel.

Suddenly, a voice comes from the bushes, "Hey! Could I have a couple of those Kleenexes? I'm running out of squirrels."

Posted: Sat Oct 01, 2011 2:18 pm

These two guys are in the wild west of the US about 150 years ago. They walk into a bar and they see a sign which says "WE PAY $100 FOR INDIAN SCALPS". So Charles turns to Edgar and says "hey look that's easy money old chap, let us find us some natives." So the two of them go out, find two Indians, scalp them and duly get their $100.

That night they sleep in a tent on the edge of town. The next morning Charles wakes up and sticks his head out of the tent and he sees 20,000 Indians standing in a circle around them. He quickly gets back into the tent and shouts excitedly: "Edgar, we're rich, we're rich!"

Posted: Sat Oct 01, 2011 2:19 pm

A man goes golfing with his friend, Harry. He arrives home several hours late.

His wife asks, "What took you so long?"

He replies, "Oh, Ethel, it was an horrible afternoon! On the third hole, Harry had a heart attack and died on the spot!"

Ethel says, "Oh, darling! It must have been awful for you!"

The husband replies, "It was hell! Fifteen holes of 'hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry...

Posted: Sat Oct 01, 2011 2:24 pm

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu. Tourist - $5, Broiled Missionary - $10, Fried Explorer - $15, Baked Politician - $100 .....The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a high price for the Politician?" The waiter replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of ~love~, it takes all day".

Posted: Mon Oct 03, 2011 8:39 pm

Oops!
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2044583/Amanda-Knox-verdict-GUILTY-appeal-murder-conviction-rejected.html?ito=feeds-newsxml

Quote:

Guilty: Amanda Knox looks stunned as appeal against murder conviction is rejected

By Nick Pisa

Last updated at 8:50 PM on 3rd October 2011

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2044585/Amanda-Knox-verdict-Freed-appeal-court-overturns-murder-conviction.html

Quote:

Foxy goes free: Amanda Knox breaks down with joy and relief as her four-year ordeal ends as murder conviction is sensationally overturned

By Nick Pisa

Last updated at 9:31 PM on 3rd October 2011

Edit. The first "story" has now been taken down, but can be read here.
http://politicalscrapbook.net/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/mailfail/

Baiting Guru Joined: 31 Jan 2007 Posts: 12237

Under the title "I don't know what to do... my browser history just revealed that my wife is a cheating ass bitch."

http://i.imgur.com/TiPxc.png

Source: http://www.reddit.com/

Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day	View next topic View previous topic