Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day

By joining our community you will have the ability to post topics and access other forums reserved for members. Registration is quick, simple and absolutely free. Join our community today by clicking here.

Posted: Mon Jul 11, 2011 7:50 pm

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican and as they are - THE - seven dwarfs,
they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack.
Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in
Rome?"
The pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment
and answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around
and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back, "Your Worship,
are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers,
"No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey
turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Dopey turns back and
says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in
the world?"
"I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the
floor, tears rolling down their checks as they begin chanting......."Dopey
screwed a penguin! Dopey screwed a penguin!"

Posted: Mon Jul 11, 2011 7:57 pm

Two men are sitting in the doctor's office. The one looks at the other one and says, "What are you here for?" The man replied "I have a red ring around my pecker, What are you here for?" The other man said, "I have a green ring around my pecker." The doctor called the man with the red ring first in his office and examined him. As he was walking out he told the other guy it was no problem. The doctor called the man in with the green ring around his pecker and examined him. The doctor says, "Your pecker is gonna fall off and you are gonna die". The mans says, "What?? You told the man with the red ring he was ok, but I'm gonna die??" The doctor said, "Yes but there's a lot of difference lipstick and gangrene!"

Posted: Mon Jul 11, 2011 7:58 pm

Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a great big smile on his face. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so happy for?"

"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me.. boobs out to here, Mike. boobs out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'

I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike. She couldn't swim!"

The next day Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face. Mike says, "What are you happy about today Pat?"

"Well Mike.... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me...boobs out to here, Mike. boobs out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'

I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike! She couldn't swim!"

A couple days pass and Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat down there cryin'
over a beer. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so sad for?"

"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just

waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... boobs WAY out to here, Mike. boobs WAY out to here. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'

So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out,

Mike, way WAY out... much further than the last two.

I turned off the key, and looked at her boobs and said 'It's either screw or swim!'

She pulled down her pants and.....She had a pecker, Mike! She had this great BIG pecker! ... and I can't swim Mike! I can't swim!"

Posted: Sat Jul 16, 2011 4:05 pm

An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'

'No', he replies, 'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it...'

The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'

The Aussie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'

The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'

The woman giggles and replies 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'

The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says, ' Bloody thing's an hour fast!'

Posted: Thu Jul 21, 2011 11:00 pm

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yCj8sPCWfUw&feature=related

Posted: Thu Jul 21, 2011 11:13 pm

Child:"Daddy, this meat is delicious. Can we have more tomorrow?"

Dad: "No son, you only have one mother..."

Posted: Sat Jul 23, 2011 12:27 pm

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a
gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table...He had been checking
her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place.. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed.. Everything had been so incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies.....
'You just happened to catch my eye.'

Not quite a Newb Joined: 19 Jul 2011 Posts: 50

Italian in New York

"One day ima go to New York to a bigga hotel. I go down to eat soma breakfast. I tell the waitress I wanna two piss toast. She branga me only wona piss. I tell her I wanna two piss, she say go to the toilet, I say you no understand. I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you better not piss on the plate you sonna ma Bitch! I don't even know the lady and she calla me sonna Ma Bitch.

Later, I go to eat soma lunch at Emma's Restaurant, the waitress bringa me a spoon ana knife, but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tallsa me everybody wanna fock. I tella her, you no understand, I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna Ma Bitch. I don't even know the lady and she calla me sonna ma Bitch.

So I go back to my room inna hotel, an there's no sheet on my bed. I calla the manager ana tell him I wanna sheet. He tells me to go to the toilet, So I say you no understand, I wanna sheet on the bed. He say you better not sheet on the bed, you sonna Ma Bitch. I don't even know the man ana he call me sonna Ma Bitch.

I go to check out and the man at the desk, he say peace to you. I say piss onna you too, you sonna Ma Bitch.

I go back to Italy!!"

Posted: Sun Jul 24, 2011 3:24 pm

S O M E T I M E S

Sometimes....

when you cry....

no one sees your tears.

Sometimes...

when you are in pain.

no one sees your hurt.

Sometimes..

when you are worried..

no one sees your stress

Sometimes..

when you are happy..

no one sees your smile .....

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

But FART !! just ONE freakin' time....

And everybody knows!!

Posted: Sun Jul 24, 2011 4:36 pm

^^^
http://www.pitt.edu/~dash/fart.html#historicfart

Posted: Tue Jul 26, 2011 9:26 pm

Posted: Sat Jul 30, 2011 6:56 am

Prince Charles was backing up the Land Rover when he hit an object and killed a dog at the same time, and at that moment a genie appeared and gave him two wishes, Charles said " bring the dog back to life" the genie said sorry I just cannot do it. The dog is dead. now for your 2nd wish, "make my wife the best looking woman in the world" to which the genie replies "let me get back to that dog"

Posted: Sat Jul 30, 2011 6:56 am

A man was suffering from flatulence problems of a rather unusual nature whereby when ever he passed wind the sound was loud and distinctly “Honda”
His physician was puzzled as to the cause and referred the patient to a Japanese specialist in anal matters and after hearing the unique sound he made a full examination to declare that the man had an abscess in his back passage.
The patient asked “how would this account for that sound?”

The doctor replied “That’s elementary sir, Abscess makes the fart go Honda”

Posted: Wed Aug 03, 2011 4:30 am

Bloke notices his wife watching cooking program on TV.

He sez "why do you watch that stuff - you can't bloody cook"

She replies "so why do you watch porn then?'

Posted: Thu Aug 18, 2011 9:08 am

This may be an original, from someone I know...

Our father, who art in prison, my mum knows not his name. Thy riots come, read it in the Sun, in Birmingham, as it is in London. Give us this day our welfare bread & forgive us our looting, as we're happy to loot those who defend stuff against us, and lead us not into employment but deliver us free housing, for thine is the tellys, the Burberry & the Barcardi, forever and ever ... Innit?

Posted: Thu Aug 18, 2011 9:44 am

http://sexyalevels.tumblr.com/

Posted: Fri Aug 19, 2011 5:48 pm

A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door that says, "COMPUTER NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He enters and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says that he smells kind of nerdy. He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says, "OK, truck drivers aren't nerds."

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.

The bartender replied, "Don't worry. The computer nerds are in season because they are overpopulating Silicon Valley. You don't even need a license."

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers - computer geeks. Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought computer nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," says the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em!"

Posted: Fri Aug 19, 2011 9:03 pm

Rejected Dr. Seuss titles!!

1. The Cat in the Blender

2. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert

3. Fox in Detox

4. Who Shat in the Hat?

5. Horton Hires a Ho

6. The Flesh-Eating Lorax

7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day

8. Your Colon Can Moo---Can You?

9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil

10. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch

11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the F--- Out!

12. Are You My Proctologist?

13. Yentl the Lentil

14. My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket

15. Aunts in My Pants

16. Oh, the Places You'll Scratch and Sniff!

17. Horton Fakes an Orgasm

18. The Grinch's Ten Inches

19. Green Cheese & Spam

20. Who Flung Goo on Betty Sue?

21. Russell the One-Eyed Love Muscle

22. Feel It, Find It, Pick It, Flick It

Posted: Sat Aug 20, 2011 4:50 pm

Little Johnny went camping with the school.
One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".
His teacher replies "NO"
Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".
"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.
Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".
She again says "NO".
"But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.
"Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher.
Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"
Little Johnny replies "I know, and it wasn't my finger".

Posted: Sat Aug 20, 2011 4:52 pm

A man went to the local canine rescue centre to see if he could find a dog to replace his pet pooch that had died recently.

He eventually decided on a mongrel whose ugliness was far outweighed by his friendly demeanor. With one leg missing, no tail, blind in one eye and bare patches on his skin where his hair fell out, he nevertheless persuaded the man to take him home.

As the man walked his new pet to the car he couldn't get over how ugly he was and pondered long and hard on what name to give him. In the end he decided to call his dog Rary on account of his ugliness and the fact he was one of a kind.

The next day, the man and his friend decided to take Rary for a walk along the local clifftop. A strong wind was blowing as Rary managed to slip his lead and went charging towards the cliff edge when a strong gust of wind blew him onto the beach 100 feet below.

The two men rushed to where Rary had fallen and saw him spreadeagled on the rocks below. One looked at the other and said, "Don't know about you, but it's a long way to tip a Rary!"

Posted: Sat Aug 20, 2011 4:54 pm

For anyone having mother-in-law issues:

I wanted to do something nice for my mother-in-law so I bought her a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.

My wife said:"Can my mother come down for the weekend?" So I said: "Why?" and she said: "Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already."

I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors in London and one of the staff said: "Keep her moving, sir, we're stock-taking."

Lawyer to client: "Your mother-in-law passed away. Shall we order burial, embalming or cremation?" Son-in-law: "Take no chances. Order all three."

Posted: Fri Sep 02, 2011 1:11 am

Nate-Dog, a believer in the Serpent, is baiting Joy, a refugee, while Fusion Event is baiting someone with lever cancer. Which is better?

Better Nate than lever, of course. Very Happy

Posted: Fri Sep 02, 2011 1:31 pm

Complaints Log For a Local Council in England

1. It's the dogs' mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off..

6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

23. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it any more.

Posted: Sat Sep 03, 2011 7:41 am

BEER BY SEVEN YEAR OLDS
A handful of 7 year old children were asked what they thought of beer.

'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mum gets.'
--Tim, 7 years old

'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.'
--Melanie, 7 years old

'My Mum and Dad both like beer. My Mum gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'
--Grady, 7 years old

''My Mum and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'
--Toby, 7 years old

'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
--Sarah, 7 years old

'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'
--Lily, 7 years old

'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'
--Ethan, 7 years old

'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'
--Shirley, 7 years old

AND THE BEST RESPONSE

'My Mum drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'
--Jack, 7 years

Posted: Sun Sep 04, 2011 7:17 am

Made me laugh..

From here

"2011-06-14
Assistant/IT manager
We need an experienced pc person who can handle the stress of a busy office without resorting to violence
You must also have at least 2...

Chinavasion

Shenzhen - China "

Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day	View next topic View previous topic