How To Drive Your Lad Nuts 101 (ongoing)

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Posted: Mon Feb 25, 2008 3:33 am

I've always admired the tactics I've seen here for stalling lads. Me, I'm not very good at thinking of excuses. Plus, my first instinct in all situations is to be polite, helpful, and unagressive. Being rude to lads comes hard to me. But I'm happy to say, I've found one straight-bait where I've finally hit my stride. It's a meager effort compared to you geniuses out there (hence '101' in the title), but it's my first. Enjoy.

It starts with Don Jack, a fairly typical NoK:

FOR YOUR KIND ATTENTION.

COULD YOU PLEASE CONSIDER TO HELP ME TO RELOCATE THIS SUM OF TWELVE
MILLION,THREE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS(US$12.3m) TO YOUR COUNTRY FOR FOR OUR OWN BENEFIT.

THE SAID 12.3 MILLION DOLLARS WAS DEPOSITED IN OUR BANK BY MRS JOYCE LAKE AN AMERICA CITIZEN WHO DIED IN A PLANE CRASH IN 2000.WE HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT HIS IMMEDIATE FAMILY TO COME FORWARD FOR CLAIMS BUT COULD NOT SUCCEED.

WE DISCORVERED THAT THE LATE AMERICAN DIED ALONG SIDE WITH HER HUSBAND AND CHILDREN WHO ARE SUPPOSED TO BE HER NEXT OF KIN.
CLICKHERE(http://www.cnn.com/2000/US/02/01/alaska.airlines.list/).
I WILL GIVE YOU ALL VITAL INFORMATION CONCERNING THE AMERICAN AND THE 12.3MILLION DOLLARS IN OUR CUSTODY SO THAT YOU WILL CONTACT OUR BANK FOR THEM TO RELEASE THE MONEY TO YOU AS THE NEXT OF KIN.

YOU CAN COME HERE IN PERSON OR YOU CAN REQUEST THE BANK TO SHIP THE
FUNDS TO YOU IN YOUR COUNTRY DIPLOMATICALY.
I AM A MANAGER IN THIS BANK, I WILL PLAY A ROLE TO MAKE SURE THAT THE 12.3 MILLION DOLLARS IS RELEASED TO YOU,AND I WILL VISIT YOU IN YOUR COUNTRY IMMEDIATELY YOU RECEIVE THE FUND FOR JOINT VENTURE.

AS SOON AS I RECIEVE YOUR REPLY, I WILL GIVE YOU A DRAFT APPLICATION
WHICH YOU WILL FORWARD TO OUR BANK.REPLY AND LET ME KNOW YOUR
FULLNAME,AGE,ADDRESS,OCCUPATION,YOUR TELEPHONE
AND FAX NUMBERS IF AVALIABLE.

I AWAIT YOUR URGENT REPLY.
MR.DON JACK.

And Douglas Fir makes his debut. I'd just read a thread where someone had demanded a certificate on non-Nigerianess, so I thought I'd go for that angle.

Dear Mr. Jack,

Sounds cool. Lots of money and all that.

I just have one question. Are you Nigerian, by any chance? Because my friend Stella told me that Nigerians like to scam people on the Internet. If you're not Nigerian, then that's all right.

Yours,

Douglas Fir

DEAR DOUGLAS,

IAM NOT FROM NIGERIA, IAM FROM BURKINAFASO CALL ME AT +226-78-01-87-14 IF YOU ARE INTERESTED FOR THE TRANSACTION

DON JACK

Ok, just checking. By the way, is the money in dollars, or in Burkinafaso currency?

Douglas Fir

PS I'm really glad you're not from Nigeria.

Dear Douglas,

The money is in Dollars and not in Burkina currency,if you like you can come down here in BurkinaFaso by your self then we work it out.

i wait for your mail.

DON JACK.

Hmm, maybe a safari is in the outing? Or at least, a long wait at the airport?

Come down to Burkina? I'll have to think about it.

Do you have good hotels there? And is there anything to do once I'm in town?

Douglas Fir

THERE ARE 3 AND 5 STAR HOTELS VERY FINE WHERE IS CAN LORGED.BUT THAT IS NOT THE MAIN ISSUE, THE ISSUE IS FOR YOU TO ASSIT TRANSFER THE FUND TO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT, [Sez you.] FOR US TO START YOU HAVE TO SEND THE APPLICATION LETTER FIRST TO THE BANK THEN IF BANK REPLY YOU THEN WE ADVANCE FOR THE TRANSFER.

Dear Don,

I don't think you understand. I don't want to come down to Africa if I have to sit in a wooden shack all day and get bitten by mosquitoes. I'm only willing to come down if there's nice accommodations and something to do in my free time. Also, do I need to get a malaria shot?

Douglas Fir

Dear Douglas Fir

There is no problem if you are not able to come here however you should try now to send the application letter to the bank,then if you receive the fund in your account I will visit you then for the disbursement of the fund.
Please send the application so that we can proceed.

DON JACK.

Okay, change of plans. Send him through the bank wringer, then safari.

Dear Don,

I think I'll try that. What do I have to do?

Douglas Fir

Dear Douglas,

This is what you are going to do now, fill the below text of application and send it to the office of the Director foriegn remitance department at: OR to enable us proceed.

...................................

CURRENTS, 08th FEBUARY, 2008

To: Office of the Director Foreign Remittance Dept
Banque Commerciale du Burkina (BCB BANK)
N� 653 Avenue du Dr.Kwame N�Krumah
Telephone Number: +226-70314430 / +226 76465537
Tel/Fax Number: + 226 50 42 07 07
Email: OR \

ty

Attention: Dr .B0ni Yaba
Application for Fund release USD$12.3million in (Bank BCB) Burkina Faso

Dear Sir,
APPLICATION AS THE NEXT OF KIN TO ACCOUNT HOLDER: TRE
087562870025. ROUTING N� 1008712, ACCOUNT NAME: MRS JOYCE LAKE
IBAN: 0101 8997 8778 0147
------------------------------------------------------------
I have the honour most respectively to request your intervention in releasing the above sum through Diplomatic means I humbly apply to the Banque Commerciale du Burkina (BCB) to convey this fund to my given address below,
This stalemate has therefore prompted my request to be favourable:

MY PERSONAL CONTACT ADRESS: ............................................................
��..
FULL NAME: ��..
Telephone��. FAX: ��.
Nationality: ��.
Occupation: ��..
Age: ��

Sir, wishing my application will be given an attention, as l wish the balance be released and transferred into my account details or deliver to me diplomatically to my home address. Accept my apologies for the late application; it was due to some logistic problems, which have been just settled.
Thanking you for your anticipated co-operation
Kindest regards and best wishes

Mr. ��.

Oh, dear. That form he sent me is so... unprofessional. I'm going to have to educate him. (Thank-you to the Eater members who helped me out on this one).

Dear Don,

Are you sure your bank is full of confidence men? Because I've been looking over your form, and it seems, well, a little gruddy.

First of all, I don't see any indication that your bank is a registered suppository. And they left out the first "C" in "diplomactic". Lastly, the use of the word "logistical" seems strange in that context. Minor details, perhaps, but I am worried that your banker is pushing a slippy on you.
Please, I know you trust those men, but do me a favor and check whether your bank is on the up-ridge. I would hate for our money to be stolen by criminals.

Yours,
Douglas Fir

Strangely, Don isn't very worried. It's touching, the faith that he has in his bank.

Dear Douglas,

Our Bank is an international bank there is no problems hence Dr.Boni Yaba receive your application he will process with it because nobody have ever put claim for the fund.
please do not be worried send the application as I directed you.
And if you receive any reply from the bank try to forward it to me so that I will tell you what next to do to avoid mistakes. You asked for it, Donny boy.
Thanks
DON JACK.

Time to talk to the bank. Not sure what to do at this point, but I'll let the "banker" speak for himself

Dear Bank,

Hi, Don Jack sent me. I suppose he told you the whole situation?

Douglas Fir

The bank responds:

I can not understand what you mean,Don Jack sent you?? for what purpose?? Elaborate well your request to this bank, your application letter this bank is not filled we can not approve such application

Can you believe it? Is that an unprofessional response, or what? I'm definately going to complain to Don about this.

Dear Mr. Jack,

Your bank doesn't seem to know what's going on. At least, when I asked them about the little thing we have going, they said "I can not understand what you mean,Don Jack sent you?? for what purpose??" And that's a direct quote.

Is there something wrong here? I mean, did you decide to cancel suddenly or something?

Perhaps we should try a different bank.

Yours,
Douglas Fir

Dear Douglas,

You made a mistake,you should'nt have let bank to know that iam giving you the informations on how to claim the fund.I drafted an application letter for you to fill and send to the bank and not to tell the bank that I directed you to Dr.B0ni Yaba.please do not let us loose this fund ok.
What you have to do now is that you have to fill the spaces in the application letter and send it to bank because without the application letter the bank will not understand what you are requesting,please send the application immediately you receive this mail.I hope the application letter is in my last mail to you check it and do the needful

Thanks
DON JACK.

I made a mistake? How awful!

Dear Don,

Oh, I am sorry. My face is burning with shame. So I can't tell the bank anything that is going on, right? I have to lie to them all the time, right? Please clarify this for me.

Yours,

Douglas Fir

Don sends me an attachment of the form, as well the written version.

Dear Douglas

This is what you should do now,just down load your attachement you will find application letter attached or you can fill the application I send you in word,fill the spaces and send it to the Bank,the bank will understand and can approve your application.
please do that immediately you get this mail.

HERE IS THE APPLICATION ALSO IN WORD

CURRENTS, 12 FEBRUARY, 2008

To: Office of the Director Foreign Remittance Dept
Banque Commerciale du Burkina (BCB BANK)
N� 653 Avenue du Dr.Kwame N�Krumah
Telephone Number: +226-70314430 / +226 76465537
Fax Number: + 226 50 42 07 07
Email:

Attention: Dr .B0ni Yaba
Application for Fund release USD$12.3.m in (Bank BCB) Burkina Faso

Dear Sir,
APPLICATION AS THE NEXT OF KIN TO ACCOUNT HOLDER: TRE
087562870025. ROUTING N� 1008712, ACCOUNT NAME: MRS.JOYCE LAKE IBAN: 0101 8997 8778 0147
------------------------------------------------------------
I have the honour most respectively to request your intervention in releasing the above sum through bank transfer to my Bank account, or Diplomatic means I humbly apply to the Banque Commerciale du Burkina (BCB) to transfer this fund to my given address below; we have been business associate in Gold and Diamond
This stalemate has therefore prompted my request to be favourable:

FULL NAME: ��.
MY PERSONAL CONTACT ADRESS: ............................................................
Telephone��. FAX: ��.
Nationality: ��.
Occupation: ��..
Age: ��

Sir, wishing my application will be given an attention, as l wish the balance be released and transferred into my Bank or deliver to me diplomatically to my home address. Accept my apologies for the late application; it was due to some logistic problems, which have been just settled.
Thanking you for your anticipated co-operation

Mr. ��

Dear bank people,

Here is my application for your bank.

Yours,
Douglas Fir
I attached a corrupted file.

The bank seems a little bewildered.

Attn:Douglas Fir,

Your application of claim well received but you did not fill the country you come from?? and your informations about yourself is not filled as placed below:

FULL NAME: ��.
MY PERSONAL CONTACT ADRESS: ............................................................
Telephone��. FAX: ��.
Nationality: ��.
Occupation: ��..
Age: ��

Send us your complete informations then we can consider your application.

Best Regards
Dr.B0ni Yaba.

I am, of course, upset at this lack of professionalism.

Dear Boni Yaba,

I sent the filled-out form as an attachment in my e-mail. Check my last email, and you'll see it.

Douglas Fir

And of course, there's always time to complain to Don.

Dear Don,

Your bank people don't seem to be very smart. I send them an attachment for the form, just like you sent me, and they act like they never saw it. I dunno, if I were you I'd try a different bank.

Douglas Fir

The bank tries to explain away their shocking ineptude.

ATTN:Douglas Fir,

The application you sent by attachment was blank,you can re-attached and send to us or you send it to us in word

Dr.B0ni Yaba.

Dear Dr. Yada,

What do you mean, my application was blank? I filled it in, cross my fingers! I wrote everything- date, name, country, whatnot. I filled it out, and saved it, and sent it as an attachment. I don't understand why you can't do a simple thing like opening a document.

Douglas Fir

We mean that the application letter you attached could not show any writeup,maybe there is a problem from your computer not to attach the file well.
But that is not a problem I asked you to write out in word [You mean, send another attachment in Microsoft Word? Okay, maybe that's not what you mean, but who cares?] your informations and send to me then we can consider your application, the bank can not approve the application of person that has no Identity and address .

Sure, like I believe that one. And I've got a bridge to sell you. Don needs to know that his banker may be a fraudstar

Dear Don,

I don't know, your bank is driving me crazy! First they said they I never sent my application in the first place. Now they changed their story, and said they opened it, but it was blank. I mean, come on, if it was blank I wouldn't have sent it, would I? Anyway, that's their story. I think they're lying to me. Don, I know you recomended them and all, but I really think we should leave this gang of idiots and go find a respectable bank that actually can count to eleven without taking of their shoes.

Dear Douglas,

How are you doing?? I got your mail, you see that the amount involved is very huge so that is why the bank have to be very careful in other not to transfer the fund to unknown person.
Do not be angry,I want you to send to now your informations as it was stated in the application letter I will print it out in my computer and give the secretary to submit on the desk of Dr.Boni Yaba with this I don't think that they will mess arround any more.
write the informations by mail to me I will handle it ok.
Thanks
DON.

And, back to the bank.

Dear Bank,

Okay, I'm using Word this time. I have spent the last 27 minutes filling out the answers, writing and re-writing. I am exusted from so much exactitude, but I wanted to make sure I got it right this time. I poured over every single word, making sure that all was correct and legible. I even wrote a little paragaph about myself (the nun joke is one I made uo myself, by the way). I hope you like it. [And I am going to be absolutely furious when you can't open this one, either]

Yours,
Douglas Fir

The bank gives up on trying to open my files.

BANQUE COMMERCIALE DU BURKINA(BCB)
N° 653 Avenue du Dr.Kwame N'Krumah
SERVICE ETRANGER :

FROM THE DESK OF DR..B0NI YABA
FORIEGN REMITANCE DEPARTMENT BANK (BCB)

WARNING NO PART OR WHOLE OF THE DOCUMENT IN PERMITTED FOR TRANSFERENCE FOR REPRODUCTION AS IT IS THE SOLE PROPERTY OF THE BANK BCB.OUAGADOUGOU BURKINAFASO AND MUST BE FOR THE RIGHTFUL RECIPIENT ONLY.

ATTN: Douglas Fir,

We Acknowledge the receipt of your application letter dated 20th of February 2008 which was submitted on my desk and the content clearly noted,We also wish to bring to your notice that the bequeathed legacy of MRS.JOYCE LAKE is in our custody.

We will get back to you after our Board of Directors meeting in regards to your application letter of claim.

Best Regards
DR.B0NI YABA.

Finally, a positive report for Don.

Dear Don.

Finally, they managed to get something right. They're currently processing my application. I can only hope this state of affairs continues, though I'm rather skeptical.

Douglas Fir

The following form is attached to the bank's reply:http://img141.imageshack.us/img141/9707/questionnaireug7.jpg . Yes, that's actual size.

BANQUE COMMERCIALE DU BURKINA (BANK BCB)
SERVICE ETRANGER :
FROM THE DESK OF DR..B0NI YABA
FORIEGN REMITANCE DEPARTMENT (BCB)
TEL:+226-70-31-44-30

22 - 02 - 2008 REF: BCB/INT - FD - PAYMENT -- 02093F-GPT

Attention: Douglas Fir

RE- FUND VALUED $12.3 MILLION USD
This is to notify you that we received your application letter in putting claim over the fund of our late client Mrs.Joyce Lake, With Reference to our recent corresponding appointment in paying beneficiaries as directed by the Board of Directors of the Bank BCB.We wish to bring to your notice the status of your fund before proceeding to explain the way forward for you to claiming the fund. Your fund is in our possession, but in the hands and control of the BCEAO (Banque Centrale des Afrique de l'Ouest), because no body have ever put claim to the said fund since after the incident, but for the reason that you have applied to this bank as the beneficiary of the fund, this bank have guarantee for easy payment to be made to you via our bank However, BCB BANK wishes to introduce our easy procedures for fund claims of your type. For you to proceed and claim your fund totalling U.S$12,300.000.00 (Twelve Million three hundred thousand United States of American Dollars),

You are advised to answer the Questions attached here under. When you answer correctly the questionnaire we will open an online banking account with BCEAO, you will be able to control your money, pay bills and make transfers out of your BCEAO Bank account from your computer to any account in the world. A user I.D and password will be given to you to enable you Log on to your account from our secure server website. In the online banking program, you will be able make transfers of your entire fund to the limit of $00.00 to any account you wish around the world.

We can also use DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY to deliver your fund to your given address any where in the world or we can also use T.T/Wire transfer of the funds into your account within 96 hrs to your nominated bank account.
I believe I have been able to make a good explanation of your fund claim process.
N.B) down load attachment and get back to us within 72hrs.

Yours Sincerely,
For: Banque Commerciale du Burkina (BCB)
Dr.B0ni Yaba
International Remittance Department.

Naturally, the form was unacceptable.

Dear Don,

I was right, the happy period of competence didn't last. Now look what the idiots have sent me.

I can't begin to list the things that are wrong the form they give me. First of all, and most glaringly, it's written in an insecure format. Anyone could see my private bank details if they wanted to. I mean, what kind of bank uses insecure forms?

It isn't even notarized by the Unilateral Unicorn Association on it. You are obviously not very experienced in dealing with bank documents, so here's a tip for the future: all legit personal information forms have at least one UUA seal. A genuine UUA seal is pink, with a representation of two crossed fingers in the middle, and the words "Unilateral Unicorn Association" around the edge. The more official the document, the more seals it has. Just keep that in mind the next time you have dealings with any reputable financial institution.

The form also has some very strange omissions. It doesn't have a blood-binding disclaimer, or any mention of suppository standards.

In short, your bank has sent me a form that I wouldn't use for toilet paper, and I demand that you write them back and ask for a better one.

Yours,

Douglas Fir

Dear Douglas,

Thanks for the mail you forwarded to me from bank, I have read the mail there is nothing wrong with the format and the file attached is just a questionnaire for you to answer it is not transfer form and if bank received the answer to this questionnaire they will approve the transfer of the fund to you.
This is the answers to the questionnaire:copy and send to the bank urgently,

1) MRS.JOYCE LAKE,COMPANY NAME : MEGMAG INVESTMENT sarl.

REGISTRATION NUMBER: 991995053, IFU 236978/GB/MM/BF.

2) COMPANY ADDRESS: 48 ZONE INDUSTRIALE,01BP.5483 OUAGA 01,
SECTEUR 30,OUAGADOUGOU BURKINAFASO.

3) SHE HAS CO-OPERATE ACCOUNT WITH BANK BCB.

4) MARITAL STATUS: MARRIED

Dear Don,

No, you don't understand. Those types of so-called "questionnaires" may be acceptable in some dirtwater bank in the back of beyond, but I am from Canada, and no Canadian bank would be caught dead with a questionnare like that. I refuse to fill out any forms unless they have been notarized by the Unilateral Unicorn Association. Period. Now you go email the bank, and tell them that I want a secure form with the proper seals. I mean, it's only common sense.

Douglas Fir

And that's how my bait stands so far. I'm hoping for a form with a Pink Seal of Truth on it. Whadaya think?

Posted: Mon Feb 25, 2008 4:31 am

You are much better then I! I can't seem to escape pet scams at the moment! I have PLENTY of 419 emails to choose from, but I just can't seem to get started! Bravo!

Posted: Mon Feb 25, 2008 4:36 am

Oh! And you have a lovely speaking voice! AND singing! Who needs Elton John?lol! Smile

Posted: Mon Feb 25, 2008 2:59 pm

Very nice!

One suggestion you might consider using as an alternative:
If the bank is unable to open your documents, then send the lad your details(as little as you can) and order him to print the form out, fill it, scan/photograph it, and then send the copy to you for your review. This has succeeded 90% of the time for me. Make sure you state that you are giving him "legal rights to sign the document" in your name Wink

This makes them do more work.

Hello I'm New here! Joined: 03 Feb 2008 Posts: 19

I have the same problem as you. I've been working in customer service (call centers, specifically) since 2001, and it's been beaten into me by now to always be nice, help resolve problems as fast as possible, etc. However, I'm also in a unique position. I worked for a credit card company call center for 5 years. I got a lot of hate from people. I learned a lot about how to be incredibly annoying, demanding and generally irritating. I think I can use this in my baits.

Your stuff is wonderful, though. I wish I thought of emailing the bank and asking questions first. (I just filled out an "application" tonight and sent it off. About 2 hours ago, actually.) Well, I'll remember that for the next time the opportunity comes up.

Keep up the good work!

Posted: Tue Feb 26, 2008 9:58 pm

And the saga continues, with Don trying to pass the buck.

Dear Douglas,

You have to write bank to send you good and bank stamped questionnaire,then we continue ok.

DON.

Dear Don,

You're going have to be the one to talk to that so-called "bank" of yours. I don't think I can hold a reasonable conversation with those GOAT-LICKING IDIOTS. If I were to attempt to communicate with those CIRCUS CLOWNS directly, I do not think I could refrain from saying exactly what I think of those SHOE-CHEWING MORONS. THEY CAN ALL GO TANGO WITH THEMSELVES FOR ALL I CARE! I do not have the self control to stop myself from telling them that if their IQ reaches 60, they should sell. You will have to be my intermidiary for now, Don. Don't just stand there gawping. Go tell them what I said.

Good day,

Douglas Fir

Would you want to send someone in such a bad mood to your oga? Well, neither does Don.

Ok I will negociate that with the secretary so that he discurse the matther with the Director I hope the problem must be rectified.

Posted: Fri Mar 07, 2008 10:47 am

i love when the bank gets chatting. i screw up all the forms and cc in all the concerned parties. then i screw up the resending etc, saying that this guy emailed me.... .
....never work harder than your mugu!

makes the lads go nuts. it also stalls the bait early. when theyre off script it goes even slower.

drew

Posted: Fri Mar 07, 2008 11:50 am

419Eater is my life Joined: 26 Apr 2006 Posts: 476

Wow, thats really good work there ChainYanker!

Straight baiting is awesome, tie up the lad for hours and drive him barmy!

Very Happy

*** BANNED *** Joined: 18 Mar 2008 Posts: 16

I agree once I read your baited on this scammer, the plot turns out to be good, hope you get your seal of truth if the seal turns out to be a fake then he is a faker, it all depends on the outcome of the situations of baiting your scammer, just ask for a stamp of approval, other ways of detecting this scammer he is trying to lure his way of the situation, I belief that he is full of lies.

Posted: Mon Mar 24, 2008 1:27 am

Sorry to disappoint you, but I've stopped straightbaiting him. Twisted Evil

Don is not talking to Doug anymore, but he is about to get a lot of money from new victim Sal Monella- at least, he would if Don's least-favorite dolla choppa hadn't stepped in first.

It's complicated, and maybe when I have time I'll post my updates.

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