Goofy stuff that YOU wrote

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Baiting Guru Joined: 03 May 2007 Posts: 18313

I am cracking myself up right now. I'm in a relatively new bait, it's a week or two old. We're going around and around about ID. My character isn't very quick, and it doesn't help that the lad is sending very verbose crap.

I just got confused by the last email he sent me, and included this in my email reply:

Quote:

Please write back and explain this to me slowly so that I can follow it

Posted: Mon Apr 21, 2008 12:32 am

Marvinator did an article for me where my character - an older, slightly nutty recent immigrant with poor English - was in a WU and got caught in the crossfire when armed men barged in and started shooting ...

"They kill 3 mans! Bang Bang Bang! Very fast! But not kill me. I very scare. Bang Bang Bang! Very loud!"

One day I was asked my position on religion and was in the mood to ramble:

RELIGION: I tried a few. On one I had to stop and pray like 5 times a day which was really inconvenient during the Yankees games because there was beer on the ground that got me all wet and once I missed A Rod's home run which really sucked. Then I thought I�d be a monk and walk the earth like Kane. But than I found out they don't really walk the earth because then they don't have anywhere to get their monk mail delivered so they usually live in a really big monk house on a mountain. So I went to one of the monk houses and signed up. I'm not sure what the religion was because no one was allowed to talk so they couldn�t tell me but I signed up anyway. It was cool but I got kicked out because I was supposed to get up at like 4 AM one day and ring that big gong to wake up all the other monks and since they don't have power and my alarm clock battery died, I overslept and didn't ring the gong and all the other monks missed prayer and now they think they're all going to burn in monk Hell. They weren't too happy. Even though they wouldn't talk to me, because they couldn't talk anyway, I still knew they were mad because they were always giving me the finger. And, one day, someone put a hamburger into my monk food and I ate it. All the other monks got totally grossed out because I ate meat and they were laughing and pointing at me and pretending to throw up but it tasted pretty good anyway because I think one of them worked at McDonalds before he was a monk. Anyway, now I'm into voodoo. It's cool. Not only can I talk whenever I want, but I can curse people. It's fun to do it at the mall. I just curse away and watch everyone jump around like their feet are on fire. On a good day I can get the whole food court going. It's fun. I can show you how if you want. All you need is a dried chicken foot and some poop from an old girlfriend and a few waterproof matches.

Posted: Mon Apr 21, 2008 4:08 am

Quote:

All you need is a dried chicken foot and some poop from an old girlfriend and a few waterproof matches.

Posted: Sat Apr 26, 2008 1:13 pm

A Lad(ette) told :

Quote:

but did you tell the lawyer how much you have and how much you are willing to pay him for his legal assistance. you should contact him now and inform him how much you will pay him ok.

Malcolm wsn't impressed:

Quote:

What the Sam Frick are you doing? The last thing I need is to give that two-bit chiseller any leverage!
Once I give even a hint of what I'm worth, he'll be licking his lips like a priest in a choir boys' change rooms.

Trophy Videos · Posted: Sat Apr 26, 2008 5:25 pm

I went just a bit too far with this one, after 22 emails to Pastor Ballas, who was selling sanctuary animals.

Quote:

Dear Pasror Balls,

Oh, dear. i'm afraid i already mailed the payment slip at the post
office, to Waycool Ampersand. He must have received it by now. It
was mailed in a green envelope, with pink stripes. I remember that it
did have alot of numbers on it.
How big are these crocodiles? And will they eat my cat?
Regards,
Dana

He wrote back....

Quote:

Dear dana,

Expect your crocodiles in an evelope posted at the Cotonou port and thank you for the payment.

Pastor Ballas

hehe

Posted: Sat Apr 26, 2008 9:37 pm

I was in a mood one day after receiving an ASEM from another baiter but fortunately when a lad replied it was sent to my box. The following brief exchange ensued.

Quote:

hello will,

how are you sir, i have not heard from you till now so i decide to send you an email again to hear from you about our transaction sir. please try and get back to me soon sir so that we can move ahead.

desmond.

Will was the ASEM Baiter. I sent Desmond this

Quote:

ok, but answer me this first.

One day a man driving a car leaves new york on a rainy tuesday afternoon traveling east at 75 mph. The next day another man leaves Cincinnati on a greyhound traveling due north and roughly 64.852 mph (the speed limit on that road was 65 mph and if the driver got another ticket he would lose his job). The wind was against him and it was overcast. These two travelers continued for one full week, stopping only for food, gas and sleep based on the needs of their individual circadian rhythms. The car had a license plate that read "IMA B8R". It was a new york plate, well worn as it had been in service for some time and had suffered many a sunny day. The greyhound had no plate since it was a dog and dogs wear pretty little dog tags.

Now the question is this (its a tricky one so pay close attention)

If I am driving the car from New York and you are the greyhound, what does your tag say?

So then he thinks real hard for two days and comes back with

Quote:

please do not understand what you mean at all , please let me known if you are ready to help me or not sir.

desmond.

So I clarify for him

Quote:

Desmond,

I was under the impression you were a professional in your field. I am simply asking for the secret contact password. Will told me that his contact would be contacting me and that the contact would need to be contacted with the secret contact question. I was then told that the contact would contact me and provide the secret contact answer to the secret contact question. Are you not the secret contact? Contact me and let me know. Will sends his apologies for breaking the secercy of your business but he had an emergency come up that required his immediate attention. I am his personal assistant sworn to the death to serve, honor, and protect his business interests. Didn't you get his message? Oh well, no matter. What do you need me to do?

Duke

No word since. Oh well.

Posted: Wed Apr 30, 2008 1:15 pm

The Ladette was signing off "your queen". So when some acrimony surfaced, I decided to show who's in charge...

Quote:

look here; you're my queen, so that means I'm the king. The king speaks, the queen does what she's gorram well told. Those are the rules, so remember them.

I'm not really a chauvinist control freak, honest...

Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 11:12 pm

Have heard nothing from my "agent" for a couple of days, and I my condom manufacturing character was starting to get a little frustrated:-

Quote:

I am currently sitting on 24 million condoms, and finding it very uncomfortable

What the hell am I going to do with 8 million of the cabbage flavoured ones?

Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 4:27 am

Yastreb wrote:

A Lad(ette) told :

Quote:

stuff

Malcolm wsn't impressed:

Quote:

other stuff

Ooooo, Firefly character names! And here I went and made up one for my guy.. I'm still using the the first identity, these elaborate games are far to hard for me to keep track of.

I stopped for a while, but I might start up again. Deleted the entire gmail accounts contents rather than use a new one, so I could start fresh and not have old clutter.

...Makes you wonder how much of the stored data on the planet is just mostly useless crap. Probably most of it.

Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 6:19 am

Inspired by Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, a recent loan bait has the guys looking for cash to do their first tour, but they are unsure of the band's name ...

Quote:

Mr Williams, my good man -

Whooo, seriously dude, you are ALL business. You need to chill and ROCKK OUTT! Henry will get you today. I'll figure out what to do about the cash.

So, man, I seriously need your vote on the band name. We are only telling a few people and it's a tie and we need one more vote.

Dude, you have the historic chance to help pick the name of the rockinst band of the next 20 years. Think how cool it would be if you were hanging out with your buds and you could say, "Yeah, Metallica. I picked that name" Too f-ing cool.

So what's your vote? Queen Anne's Revenue or Wylde Stallions

ROCK ON
Bart

At least I got a crack of off script ...

Quote:

You are Funny man,Any way i choose Wylde Stallions.
When are u making the payment.
Mr.Williams.

Posted: Tue May 06, 2008 2:49 am

Quote:

Dearly Beloved

Good day this evening and fine day last night.

I am so sorry that you are sick and dying.

Want to know if you are saved and going to heaven? Please tell me "YES."

I'm also sorry about your husband dying and I want to know if he is in heaven?

When I die, I'll look for you.

Can't wait to hear from her.

Baiting Guru Joined: 07 Jan 2007 Posts: 2922

Lad to me

Quote:

For your information, I've again consulted the Lawyer and he still inform me that he didn't receive any mail from you as you indicated to me. And I will not at this stage look for another Lawyer because he is an acredited and competent/ trusted Lawyer who can handle this transaction successfuly.

Therefore I now resend his email to you so that you can re-contant him

Me to lawyer

Quote:

I was told to contact you by Mr William. He seems to think you are a trusted lawyer, I think that's an oxymoron.
Get back to me.

Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 12:47 am

Mr O was not terribly happy about B@rt R0b3rt5 use of English (think Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure) ...

Quote:

Please i really want us to be reasonable about this transaction, as such you are advised to a little bit make this transaction matured if you can stop using your kind of english because this is an official issue.

So B@rt straightened up ...

Quote:

I have examined such document and read your request to make my communications in more proper legal english. I will endeavor to emphasize clear linguistics and proper use of nouns like "rock" and not to use nouns as verbs like in "ROCKKKKKK!!!", which while certainly true and gnarleyish doesn't really soundeth like a lawyer.

I have heretofore examined the appripriate contents for habeus corpus and other legal ipsum lorums. I am in concurrance that we are dealing with a most excellent financial transaction ...

The band has caucused and have concluded that, while God is indeed great, that is a pretty lame security question because everyone know what the answer is. We believe that under international money sending law (and after a quick phone call to a western union) that the SENDER (here inafter referred to as I or me) gets to pick the security question. So we will pick something that is more secure.

Please indicate your agreements to our terms and condition by signing here: _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

After a slap, Mr O was more cooperative:

Quote:

As Your Satisfaction and Financial Success is Our Aim ...
Please indicate your agreements to our terms and condition by signing here: _ _ _ _ _ Mr. Michael Olajide_ _ _ _ _ _ _

Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 10:55 pm

got a letter from the FBI - "Assistant Director in Charge Joseph Persichini, Jr Anti-Terrorist and Monitary Crimes Division", no less:

Quote:

Fellowing the petition recieved from Barrister Williams from London,Over diverssion of funds we are contacting you based on the information and documents tendered to us. We have done our verification on our FBI Identification Record with our Social Security codes,i would like to hear from you for justification as we will resolve this matter as soon as we recieve your reply starting your own side of the matter.
Be informed that the FBI will not fail to arrest you if we did not hear from you withine 48hrs since we have all your data as tendered by the complainant

[Emphasis added]

After an exchange of emails in which Mal was told that he needed to obtain Anti-terrorist and Anti-drug Certificates, and the FBI guy wrote:

Quote:

With regards to the comment you made. May i inform you that we are not threatening you what we simply brought to your notice is petition written against you by the mentioned attorney

Mal cut loose:

Quote:

The hell you haven't threatened me! Remember "the FBI will not fail to arrest you if we did not hear from you withine 48hrs"? That's a threat in my book, and I'm not going to let you pretend otherwise.

Let me tell you something. I served my country in Operation Desert Saber and had my weapons officer blinded by AAA. While time-servers like you were totally failing to prevent the WTC bombings in 1993, I was doing my duty in Somalia and took a bullet in the leg protecting relief supplies. I served in Iraq and was gorram near killed by an IED. I'm still carrying the scars of that - but when I found the White House had deceived us into going into Iraq, why that's when I left America for Australia. I'm never going to give up my citizenship, but I don't think I'm coming back any time soon. I served for 18 years, with three Purple Hearts and a Bronze Star, but at times I think we handed over the country to pimps and scroungers and blowhards. I hope you're none of those, Mr .

Posted: Sat May 10, 2008 2:15 pm

And to continue...

The FBI put me on to a lawyer to get my ANTI-DRUG CERTIFICATE and ANTI-TERRORIST CERTIFICATE.

Quote:

Those documents are Anti-terrorist and Anti-drug Certificate. The two essential certificates will cost you 2,550 POUNDS. A break down about it is as follows. ANTI-TERRORIST CERTIFICATE: 1,400 POUNDS ANTI-DRUG CERTIFICATE:1,150 POUNDS... You can send the charges to me through wetern union money transfer for quick withdrawal through my personal secretary...

Sounds painful. I replied:

Quote:

I think you've forgotten something - there's no sign of an invoice for the fees you're charging. Send them ASAP.

How often have I received a reply like this?

Quote:

The invoice for the payment shall come from the receiving departmnent once payment is made

.

How often have I replied thus?

Quote:

That's not going to happen, buddy - it's invoice, then payment.

But this was just smug:

Quote:

Be informed that i never asked you for job. you requested for certain services which i have told you what it takes to procure. I have equally told you the procedure. I am very comfortable man and will not be interested in you for any reason if not for the mail I got from FBI The choice is yours all i will do is report back to FBI and wash my hand off the entire transaction. It is beyond my immagination that invoice will be issued before payment is made. Probably, that is the way things are done in your country, Here either receipt or invoice can only be issued when transaction takes place. I want to believe that you are inteligent enough to know the procedure which is obtained all over the world. I can only ask you to mail and make your position known before I report back to FBI.

I owed him a slap-and-a-half:

Quote:

I never wanted you to take this job but the gorram FBI insisted. They told me to tell you to get me certain bits of paperwork. I don't care a hairy rat's ass for your comfort - what I care about is that you do your gorram job!
So listen again, you smug little lard-ass - I've done business with lawyers in four countries (Argentina, Australia, Mexico and the USA) and in every single nation, the accepted sequence of events is INVOICE - PAYMENT - RECEIPT - not just in my home country. I have no idea how you could think that an invoice and a receipt are one and the same.
I want to believe that the FBI would choose a lawyer with brains, who kept up with world's best practise, but it looks like they chose you instead.
Go tell the Feds I demanded an invoice - and tell me when they stop laughing at you.

Posted: Sun May 11, 2008 5:05 pm

Quote:

There is something on my mind that concerns me a bit. May I be frank with you?

Now this in itself isn't funny yet, but just wait until I sign my next mail with

Quote:

Best regards,
Frank

That mail then of course also won't contain my address, which is what he wants, already for 3 mails. I guess I may include it in the 5th mail, and later on decide that there's a spelling mistake. Or maybe I move a few days later.

Or maybe I'm just homeless and surf the web with the notebook I bought from the money I won from the Toyota-lottery...

Posted: Mon May 12, 2008 11:12 pm

Quote:

... Also, I insist that you desist in calling me "mummy". I'm not your mother and I'm certainly not a well preserved Egyptian corpse. ...

Posted: Tue May 13, 2008 5:16 am

A Vlad questioned whether I wished to continue writing with her..I wrote
(mispellings intentional)

Quote:

Dearest One Olga
Of course I wish to continue your acquaintance!! It is just very difficult for me to understand our point of view at times...but we new from the beginning that it wood be hard...I am an open minded sexually active individual, while you are a frigid prude.
I sometimes wonder also, if perhaps the translation of words and phrases is being done incorrectly, or not or yes.sew that my words and meanings get twisted by the interpretation. Be that as it may, by the by, I am in course of wish to follow thru with writing of you. The bait be fun!!! Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead, as the sayings go!!
yours
Bob

She replied

Quote:

My loved Bob, I long thought yesterday of us and about ours relations, and it seems to me, that I have fallen in love with you.

Posted: Tue May 13, 2008 12:33 pm

I put this in a separate post once, it bears repeating.

One of my first baits was the simple "Send me money, you get millions" bait, so I got to the point of sending a Western Union Payment. In order to facilitate this, I needed the standard question and answer for the security section. Never one to give the lad everything they needed, I liked then to be vague. When all was said and done, it read like an old Abbot and Costello routine. I've gleaned it from the emails and it went like this:

ME: I'm ready to send via Western Union, so what's the question?
Lad: What question?
ME: Exactly.
Lad: I don't know question unless you tell me!
ME: What's the question?
Lad: What question?
ME: Exactly.
Lad: You are making me angry! What are you asking me for?
ME: What question? What is the question?
Lad: I don't know how to answer that.
ME: I'll need that too.
Lad: Need what?
ME: Yes and also the answer.
Lad: You are not making sense. I will not play these games. Ask me the question or not!
ME: What is the question?
Lad: How can I give answer to question I don't know?
ME: If you would give me the question we could both decide on the answer.
Lad: How can I ask the question if I don't' know the question?
ME: Good. Now what's the answer?
Lad: What you mean good? What's good?
ME: Don't change the question on me.
Lad: I don't change question, I ask what you mean when you say good!
ME: Good question. Now all I need is the answer.
Lad: What's the question?
ME: How can I ask a question if I don't know the question?
Lad: You are playing games with questions and answers!
ME: We haven't decided on the answer yet.
Lad: Answer to what?
ME: Answer to the question. I need both.
Lad: Both what?
ME: If you're going to play games, let's start over. What's the question?

I stopped hearing from him after that. I think maybe his head exploded.

Posted: Tue May 13, 2008 12:37 pm

voudoujoe wrote:

"They kill 3 mans! Bang Bang Bang! Very fast! But not kill me. I very scare. Bang Bang Bang! Very loud!"

This still cracks me up every time I read it.

Posted: Tue May 13, 2008 12:54 pm

Chibuike wrote:

It's not so much goofy stuff that I write it is what I say in real life. I will say things like "I sent for my weeks to shoes ago", or "why don't you go take a leaping fly". This usually happens when I am really tired or mad. My family has a catalogue of my bungled sayings and threaten to put one of them on my tombstone. :lol:

I have similar problems. I wear hearing aids. Ok, I'm not deaf, only certain parts of speech are affected. BUT most people around me feel that hearing aids make me somehow bionic and they dont have to speak clearly. When this happens, I usually hear something totally different than what they say. They also collect these wonderful lines and repeat them ad nausium, laughing at me all the while as if I create these lines for their amusement.

Posted: Tue May 13, 2008 3:56 pm

As sad as the story is, including current events into the bait always is good.
They can check on it if they like and it has no value for them at all...

Quote:

Please no worry. Have been flu here in Hong Kong. Many people sick, but now all fine.
Nobody die, except yesterday, but that was earthquake, but not in Hong Kong. No rumble here, all fine.

Posted: Fri May 16, 2008 11:48 am

, an Odinist like her previous incarnation , wasn't happy with her Lad always opening his messages:

Quote:

Dear Good Sister ,Good morning to you and your family in the name of God Almighty.

She told him:

Quote:

BTW - something that's bugging me - you always open with "Good morning to you and your family in the name of God Almighty". It's the thought that counts I guess, but since I don't have a family except my brother (who's serving overseas even now) and I'm not a Christian, it's pretty much wasted.

So he stopped using it.

Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 1:53 am

He's giving me 30% and I want 40...............................

Quote:

You wouldn't give a nickel to watch a gnat eat a bail of hay.

Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 1:57 am

I sent this to a pathetic hitman. He says he went back on the hit and reconsidered killing me. I emailed him back with:

Quote:

Obviously I wasn't that important to kill but good luck with your future ventures. I went and got my money back and bought a pistol with it, just in case you do decide to go back on your promise not to kill me. See you in hell goat-f*cker.

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