Goofy stuff that YOU wrote

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Posted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 1:03 pm

My newest baiter persona, , has a quirk - he transposes adjacent vowels.

In my last message, I tried to do that as often as I could:

Quote:

I wuold raelly like to be rich, but I don't want to be ripped off iether. Yuor lawyer is a racist turd who's trying to charge me twice the yaerly aernings of the average citizen of yuor cuontry just to get in the front door! He wuoldn't do that to a local but he wuold do that to a white foriegner, which maens that he's a racist in my book!
And when I raed this - But yuo and i know that the lawyer will not do any thing withuot us paying she/he up front fees, even in your cuontry - I naerly had to buy a new monitor! I told yuo how it's done here and yuo totally ignored me!
I just don't understand why yuo're defending that little waesel - I raelly don't.

BTW - the italicised phrase is a quote from the lad; I had to correct his spelling...

Posted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 1:24 pm

Quote:

Greetings,

Major Boners' e-mail certainly did grab my attention, as I was unaware that we had any Boners' on Mars at this time. Please send me more details, as I find Major Boners' plight intriguing.

Awaiting Your Response,

En1d 4. B4th Esq.

I never did hear back from him.

*** BANNED *** Joined: 18 Jul 2004 Posts: 2049

About 3 years ago a mugu scammed a poor women who was a quintessential victim - she didn't have a clue. Working with Eatyo Urgreens and Zed (remember them?) along with many others, we zeroed in on this lad and drove him nuts for months.

We published the bait in 4 parts. It is full of hilarious characters and lots of fun graphics. Some of the major players included Dr. Tim Bits and the Reverend Timothy Horton (Canadian joke!) and Sgt. Mungo Wank. The first part of "The Revenge of Lou Ellen" can be FOUND HERE

This quote is from Tim Bits inviting Alex (the mugu) to Canada:

Quote:

You know Alex, after this business is done, you must consider coming over to Canada for a visit. You will certainly be able to afford it and of course will be welcome to stay with my family. Big Chubby Lake is only 2 hours from Toronto and my home is situated right on the lake. I can see us now Alex, sitting on the deck overlooking the lake, drinking some cold Molson beer (my favourite) and you enjoying yourself getting down on my wife's beaver. Wild hot juicy beaver is our national dish and my wife provides an excellent meal (along with Spring vegetables of course). And you will be amazed at our wildlife here. We don't have as many large animals as you do but in Big Chubby, birds suddenly appear every time you are near.

And here is part of his reply:

Quote:

I have started eating your mother's beaver spiritually and hope to eat the beaver physically before the end of April 2005 by the special Grace of God when I will visit you people at Big Chubby
Lake Canada.

I know it is very old but this thread reminded me of how much fun baiting was way back then. I never laughed so much in my entire life Laughing

Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 11:38 am

A Ladette wants me to claim her father's fortune from a security firm on Cote d'Ivoire... I had to ask:

<Arnie accent please>

Quote:

Who was your daddy and what did he do?

Not quite a Newb Joined: 11 Dec 2007 Posts: 72

This was from Lun4 L0v3g00d, my latest "plagiarized" persona, trying to convince the mugu to send me a trophy pic as requested. Still, I think it's a funny quote with or without context:

"This was to ensure that you are an honest man; anyone can have a passport, John, even nargels can."

Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 12:49 pm

Quote:

Dear Mr. Wong. I apologize for not calling you as promised. I wanted to call you this morning, but when I checked my phone book, I think I may have mistakenly listed you as Mr. Wing, and I just didn't want to Wing the Wong number.

Wannabe Baiter Joined: 15 Jul 2008 Posts: 84

Quote:

I wonder if I could ask a favor of you, my dear Lackwit (if I may so call you that). Could you act on my behalf for the barristers? I must admit I have a dreadful fear of them since my husband's funeral. You see, the barrister who was in charge of taking care of my dear Harry's will accosted me during the reading! As a fellow good Christian woman, you can imagine how offended I was by this!!! It affected me with a case of hysterics, and ever since I cannot abide barristers or walnut-paneling.

It gives me the giggles every time I read it. Especially the walnut-paneling part.

Posted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 4:58 pm

Heres one I wrote other day to a lotto lad Id love a lad cam to see their little faces light up when they read our madness Laughing

Quote:

Greetings and good tidings to you

Is it true that I hath doth wonneth ye lottrye?Pray tell this is joyous I have liveth in hamlet of Little Nobbin in merry olde England my coffers are bare I hath beggeth for alms, alas the jolly inn keeper Phi1leas Fe1cher at Ye Olde Chavs Head doth throweth me on street with all yon chattels.I prayeth to yonder monastery Brother Cadfael thee learned wise monk he sayeth fortune changeth like weather.
My breast is so joyous,I happieth like court jester in yonder Muggins Castle,joyous as a hog in pooeth.
I pray stout yeoman sendeth alms swiftly.
Blessings

G£nev1ve P£ndr@gon

He just kept to script so I sent this back

Quote:

Thankye kinde lord

Brother Cadfeal ye wise learned monk prayeth for I at yonder monasteryBrother Cadfael sayeth my fortune wouldst changeth St Swithens eve.I prayeth to ye pagan gods,burnigth twix fires at midnight on St Swithens eve.
Yonder messenger mail my fortunes hath changeth,I can now ryvengeth ye swyne that slayeth my husybande.My nubbins are noggin in joyouth ecstasye,my nameth you neede fore yonder bankyng lorde.
Nameth G£nev1ve P£ndr@gon
Husbande Nay he killde slayeth
Jobye servyng wench maiden
abode guardiane of Ph1leas F£lcher Ye Olde Chavs Heade

Thankye kynde sir
Prayeth stout yeoman send alms swiftly

My OH thinks im nuts tittering to myself on the pc Laughing

** Retired ** Joined: 14 May 2007 Posts: 750 Location: Air

A select cut from my loan application :

Quote:

Age : 15
Occupation : Newspaper Round
Annual Income : £500 - 550
Amount Needed : Can I have 1 million pounds ????
Duration of Loan : I dont know. I will get a job when im older and pay you when I can.
Purpose of Loan : I want to buy an Ascari A10 ! and a football !

Not quite a Newb Joined: 10 Jul 2008 Posts: 55

After being sent a bank form by my lad to be filled in and sent back together with the money Shocked

, I replied:

Quote:

But I don’t understand how do I send you back the form together with the money? I am puzzled. Shall I scan the money to show you it’s here?

Let's see if they answer...

Posted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 10:43 am

Quote:

You really are very rude,you email me at 3AM! and expect me to reply.I do sleep you know,Iam a human.Are you taking amphetemines !! that would explain a lot of your behaivour.Apologise to me for your rudeness and manner,you silly little man,your getting my dander up.

Quote:

Dont sent me a diatribe either,apolgise in your next mail,it is only manners.

Posted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 2:06 pm

Quote:

I befriended a clown named Ernie. He was loads of fun and always had beer in his trailer. So I would come around after my shift to drink beer and play cards. One night I dropped by Ernie's trailer but he wasn't there. I looked around, and found Ernie making love to a large dog that he had trained as a part of his act.

I was crushed. I couldn't believe that Ernie could do such a despicable thing.

Later, Ernie told me that dogs crave that kind of attention. And that he did it only because it was a special reward for his animals when they performed well in the circus. I didn't believe him. I worked most of that night, loading equipment for the circus' next move. The trucks were all loaded by sunrise and I had several hours off.

I still felt rotten for the way that Ernie was behaving, so I decided that I would walk downtown to buy some beer and get very drunk. I didn't realize that this day was Sunday and that there were no bars or stores open that would sell me beer. I walked for several miles, and when I realized that I couldn't get a beer, I just sat down on the sidewalk and began to cry.

Actually, this piece of garbage was much longer. You can read it here. I don't think the lad read any of it...

Posted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 10:04 pm

My first ever email to a scammer, which took place about two hours before I found out about scam baiting:

Quote:

F*ck you scammer! You do realize this sh*t is never going to work, don't you? You're wasting your time. Go do something productive and milk a f*cking goat!

I happened to be really pissed off at the moment because an apartment-mate of mine has been stealing and eating my food, which I had officially become sick and tired off. As a result, the lad got my anger directed towards him instead.

Never did get a response.

Posted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 11:22 am

My most recent Lad is claiming to be a Marine in Iraq (though the picture that he sent is, IMO, a contractor). He sent some action pictures pinched off the web, one of which shows a nasty torso wound. didn't like that one:

Quote:

Also - that pic of what I think my brother would have called a sucking chest wound or a gut shot - eewwwwww, gross! Did you have to send that? At least you could have warned me!

Posted: Mon Aug 04, 2008 4:56 am

My lad is beginning to piss me off:

Quote:

I am beginning to think that you are insane. I have told you many times that I do not now have the money, thanks to your incompetence and inefficiency and all you can do is shriek like a syphilitic parrot, “Pay the COT! Pay the COT!”. COT is not a proper banking term in the UK, by the way. In the UK, what you are referring to is generally referred to as a .

I have yet to hear a convincing explanation from you as to why I should pay a fee to a British bank through a British bank in US dollars. Every explanation I have heard so far from you would not deceive a mentally defective dugong.

No answer as yet.

Posted: Mon Aug 04, 2008 12:32 pm

Quote:

We should go into business together, it's a fabulous idea! I've always dreamed of retiring from my company to start a wonderful Lutefisk restaurant in Arkansas. Arkansas is beautiful in the autumn months, and there are no Lutefisk restaurants that I could find while vacationing there all these years! Would you be willing to live in Arkansas?

She nixed the lutefisk restaurant idea. Crying or Very sad

She wants to invest in my dumb weapons engineering and production company.

Posted: Mon Aug 04, 2008 2:48 pm

Quote:

My mother's condition took a turn for the worse and she had to go back into surgery twice. They replaced several heart valves and were forced to removed her spleen and both of her appendixes. I was at the hospital all day yesterday and through the night.

My mother is a medical mystery. Laughing

Posted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 10:02 am

A peevish Lad prompted this comment from :

Quote:

You are probably the most stupidly stubborn man that I've ever had dealings with - and after training Marine recruits I thought I'd seen the most boneheaded dunces that humanity had to offer. I was wrong.

Posted: Mon Aug 11, 2008 5:39 am

@Blackwood Con
That part about "both appendixes" was very funny to me. I will steal that line. I just thought you would like to know.

Great work, everyone!

Posted: Mon Aug 11, 2008 11:14 pm

To a lad whose bank "invoices" get more and more bizarre by the iteration:

Quote:

> I will advise you to go through the two documents which one is from the bank
> and the other is from the interpol.About the CAT now the calculation is 0..1
> percent of the total funds and the amount that is surposed to be transfered to
> your account is $4,000,000.00 or GBP2,000,000.00 Pounds.
[CAT is Capital Appreciation Tax - changed from VAT, not applicable since I am outside the EU]

Dear Nefarious Moron [he hates being called Nefarious],

I have been through the two documents - so the total CAT is 0.1% of USD4,000,000 (actually, USD4,000,000 is GBP2,148,443.22 at today's rate of exchange, so make sure that this calculation is made correctly - I require a letter from the bank certifying this). [I have now several documents from the - I'm building up a collection]

In any case, this comes to USD4,000 - the "invoice" that you sent says GBP4,000 - twice as much as the calculation you quote.

Please send the correct invoice in GBP.

May I recommend a brain transplant? They can work wonders in cases such as yours. Ask your family doctor - the NHS can provide this service.

Posted: Tue Aug 12, 2008 4:18 am

I read a similar story re: icefishing on the internet a few years back. Heard they recently did this on Mythbusters. Took my own redneck twist ...

Quote:

I am sorry but Daddy and Gramma and Grandpa are back at the stress clinic today. There are these guy in black coats that have been like creeping around our double-wide for a while. And Daddy finally went to talk to them and then they started arguing and all and then Grandpa went all nuts and went to the shed and got some dynamite that they used for the levees when it was all flooded here and he lit it and started waving it around and everyone was freaking out and then Daddy grabbed it and threw it as hard as he could into the field and then Boomer, he is our dog, well, he was our dog, and he was a hunting dog too, well Boomer saw Daddy throw that dynamite and must have thought Daddy was playing fetch or something cause he went to retrieve it and came prancing back to the trailer just as pretty as you please with that lit dynamite stick in his mouth and then everyone REALLY started freaking out and chasing him to get the dynamite back and that scared poor Boomer something awful so he ran and hid under the trailer and nobody could get him or get him to come out. It was pretty much a big mess and now we need to find a place to stay tonight and Momma went to Walmart to buy us some new underwear and now we need a new dog too.

I will tell Daddy I saw your email.

Ladette

Posted: Tue Aug 12, 2008 10:00 am

Lazy boi wrote:

The number you gave me is bad.
Awaits to hear from you.

There's nothing wrong with VP's telephonic apparatus.

A suitable reply was composed and duly despatched to the lad via the intertubes.

Quote:

Are you sure you know how to use a telephone? It's not black magic or voodoo; there's no need to sacrifice a virgin goat to invoke the marvels of modern telecommunications technology. You should ask the village idiot for some assistance in making a telephone call since it's apparent they're already helping you with your email.

Posted: Wed Aug 13, 2008 9:06 pm

Those of you who know Lewis Black will appreciate the inspiration for this tale ...

Quote:

I swear you are a lazier SOB than the pro-golfer I dated. When his balls got dirty ... he wouldn't wash them. He'd just walk around with dirty balls. He'd play with his dirty balls. And he even wanted ME to play with his dirty balls. Ick! Sometimes I'd spit on them and wipe them gently and I know he liked it, but he would never wash his own balls.

Then after about a year even he didn't want to play with his dirty balls - but do you think HE washed them NOOOOOOO! He hired his own Personal Ball Washer. He was this little old man midget Ball Washer who went everywhere with him ... walking right in from of him, scrubbing and rinsing, washing his balls. Yeah, after that he had the cleanest balls I ever played with, but ICK!! - a man really should wash his own balls!! Elliot I hope you wash your own balls.

Elite Baiter Joined: 16 Jul 2008 Posts: 1407

One of my earlier baits caused my Lad a near stroke.

He wanted me to send money via Western Union.

I waited a day, and then emailed him very excited, and explained that the money was on the way.

Of course he wanted to know the "MCTN" number. Thats when things went off the rail.

I explained that I didn't know what he was asking about. I explained how I had gone to the train station and handed off his money to the conductor. And the conductor hadn't given me a tracking #.

Turns out, I had gone to the Pacific Union train station. Not the Western Union. Ooops. I kept asking how the train was going to get to the UK.

He wasn't amused, and wanted me to get the money back...too late train left the station. Embarassed

He twigged after that exchange.

Posted: Fri Aug 15, 2008 9:24 am

Another lad with an aversion to leaving messages on answering machines insists 'I' buy a mobile phone.
An untenable proposition as Veronica's bionic ears are not EM compatible with mobile phones. How unfortunate Twisted Evil

Quote:

... You continually instruct me to purchase a mobile phone; yet I've told you time and time again they are useless, as the complicated electronics in my cochlear implants are incompatible with them. Even sending text messages won't work as the transmitter/receiver pair in my bionic ears causes mobile phones to malfunction. This is kind of cool, as when I'm travelling by bus or train, anyone within about 2 metres of me suddenly discovers their phones don't work. ...

All this fuss over a simple 10 digit number Laughing

So I "snail mailed" him the Westy receipt Twisted Evil

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