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 Barrister Maxwell safaris from Lome to Accra

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pilgrim
Elite Baiter


Joined: 19 May 2004
Posts: 1789
Location: In the colonies


PostPosted: Wed Feb 06, 2008 8:37 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

This is the story of a relatively short safari - I'm not in YW's class, so this one takes the lad from Lome to Accra, a distance of only about 105 miles, crossing one border. The safari lasted several days, however. The bait started out as an attempt to find a fake bank to kill (my usual modality), but changed to a safari bait when it became apparent the lad had no bank to give. The lad is Barrister Tofa Maxwell, a denizen of Togo, who replied to my ASEM. My baiter character is John MacDonald (e-i-e-i-o!). The MacDonalds, John and Claire, live on a farm southwest of Atlanta, and raise chickens for market.

My ASEM:
Quote:
Well, Claire and me, we got your mail. Only thing is, you didn't tell us everthing we needs to know. Before we lifts our skirts, so to speak, I think you got to be a little more clear on what it is you're offerin'. An' look - this here account we's sending to you from, it ain't so secure, so when you writes back, use [email protected], cause we knows that's secure.


Maxwell replies:
Quote:
Dear,

I thank you for your impressive mail response to my proposition. And I wish to let you know that I am the executor to this estate and you were made the beneficiary to this estate for reasons best known to my late client, Perhaps you have met with him either somewhere or somebody that has always held you at high esteem recommended you. I want us to work this out with understanding, trust and with one mind as you won't regret working with me at all at the end, all the necessary proves to enable the bank transfer this fund into your bank account for our mutual benefit after going through normal banking claim procedure. As you may know, this is a legal matter and as the executor to this estate, it is my intention to bring to your notice all we have to do, to make sure that this Inheritance fund is processed, approved and transferred to you within the next ten (10) official working days if only you will work and co-operate with me. You should know that we are meant to go towards normal inheritance claim procedure to enable the bank start working with you and at the end have the fund release in your name as bona fide next of kin to my late client.

It might interest you to know that I have in my possession the original Certificate of Deposit that my client used in depositing this money with the bank and without this Document there will be no claim which i have attached in this mail. I will be going to the National Population Commission here to seek for my late client Death Certificate which I will send to you also as soon as I got it as proof for you to have in your possession. I want you to know that I was mandated by the bank to produce the next of kin to this deposit, under a stipulated time, if I don't get the next of kin to this deposit, it will be confiscated and redeposited into the government treasury as unclaimed money. The total sum that we are to claim is Fifteen Million one Hundred United States Dollars (US$15.100.000.00), On the conclusion of this transaction, I will like you tell me more about yourself, and I am very grateful to work with you and I believe that with urgent attention and commitment to this transaction, we will come out successfully sooner than expected. Understand, everything will be done in this transaction and carried out as law demands.

Be advised that as you receive a specimen of the text of application letter below which you will print retype and send to the bank putting claims to the fund. You should also know that it is this application that you are to send to the bank will makes the bank to start working with you and have you approved as the bona fide next of kin to my late client and have the money release in your favour after they must have looked into your request, then let the bank start working with you. You have to be careful in whatever you are going to answer to the bank, if they raise any question that you do not know, just write or call to me immediately, then I will tell you what to do at that moment, I will always be here for your support and guidance till this fund gets to you. As you will send application letter of claim to the bank which you will see below, After they receive the application letter of claim from you they will call me as to testify if you are the rightful next of kin to my deceased client then I will say yes for your approval and they will proceed further by transferring the funds to your bank account. Send this application as soon as you receive this mail and don't fell to send a copy to me for my perusals, I hope you understand everything very clearly and donít feel to adhere to my instructions.

Thanks,
Barr. Tofa Maxwell.
Tel: +228-922-4588.


From John, trying for a bank to kill:
Quote:
Barrister Maxwell,

Barrister, hey? What's that, some kind of lawyer? Well, I don't much like lawyers, leastwise the ones we got here. Don't do much except delay things, and then they wants a heap of money for the time they spends.

Okay, so you got some money and you needs help to get at it. We can help, but it don't come cheap. Claire and me, we's used to workin' hard, and we spects to get paid for what we does. You savvy?

Well, you didn't ask about my family, like a polite person would do, but I'm gonna tell you a bit anyways. Me and Claire, that's my wife, we runs a chicken farm here a bit southwest of Atlanta, Georgia. Mostly Rhode Island Reds and White Leghorns, cause they gets fat the quickest. We sells chickens to some of the supermarkets in Atlanta, but it's hard to get in to some of them because they has contracts with the big chicken suppliers like Frank Perdue. So it's a livin', but we ain't gettin' rich. Mostly we works pretty hard, the both of us, from when we gets up at 5:30 to when we goes to bed about 9:00. What we does is feeds the chickens, we waters them, we cleans the chickenshit outta the chicken sheds, and on days we takes chickens to market we kills chickens and scalds and plucks the feathers and we guts them. Then of course Claire, that's my wife, she has to cook breakfast, dinner, and supper, and she cleans the house. I mostly works to fix stuff around the farm.

Don't be tellin' a lot of people, but Claire and me, we had just one kid afore Claire had to have her female organs took out. First off, we was right proud of Norman. Norman John MacDonald, he was, named after his grandfather and after me. Well, after high school he went and joined the Peace Corps, and worked in Ghana in Africa. Saved his money, didn't mess around with girls or drink, he was everthing Claire and me coulda hoped for. Even bought hisself a piece of beachfront property in Ghana with the money he saved. Then in 2004 he up and shot hisself. He was only 28. I didn't think Claire was ever gonna get over it, specially since she couldn't have no more kids. Course she was probably too old anyways.

Well, enough about us and our sad tales. What about you? Maybe you tell us a bit about yourself and your family, hey?

Oh, oh... lookin' there at the bottom of your email I see you got some kind of application. Well, we got no problem with most of it, but the part where you wants our banking information, that ain't no good at all. Matter of fact, you bein' a barrister and all, you oughtta know better, and I shouldn't have to tell you. Me and Claire got ourselves a financial advisor, Mr. Jubilation T. Cornpone by name. He done told me all about this, and says you can check it by doing a search on www.google.com. Seems the U.S. government passed a law called the "bank secrecy act", or BSA. The law provides that ANY American bank that receives a deposit exceeding $10,000 gotta report that deposit to the government. They investigate it for evidence of terrorist funding or money laundering. Even if they find no evidence of wrong-doing, they still report the money to the Internal Revenue Service, which is the taxing authority in the United States. And they impose a whopping 38% tax on the entire deposit, no matter how big it is. Well, I just can't see all that money going to the government, can you? So to avoid that tax, me and Claire needs to open an online account in some foreign bank. Then you can wire the fund to that new account. Trouble is, I don't know no foreign bank. You?

You write now, hear? Claire, she's waitin' on you. Mighty interested in what you have to say, especially the money. Claire and me, we's thinking maybe we gets some money and don't have to work no more, maybe we sell the farm and retire.

John and Claire MacDonald
MacDonald Farm


The barrister replies, but he's still on script and not listening:
Quote:
Dear John and Claire MacDonald,

How are you today and your family? I hope every body is in good health. I received your mail and the contents therein is well noted. I am Barrister Tofa Maxwell the lawyer to late Eng A. C. Gomez that died years ago. As it may interest you to know, I am married but lost my wife since a year and some months now and left me with two Children. I worked for some years in private practice in the areas of Commercial and family law before joining the service of Lome province government as a province Counsel, in the Attorney General Chambers. Positions held include, Director of Public Prosecutions, Director Civil Litigation and Solicitor General and Permanent Secretary of the Ministry of Justice. Duties in the ministry include; prosecution of criminal and civil matters on behalf of government; giving legal advise to the province government, its agencies and the police; drafting legal documents; member of several ministerial and inter - ministerial committees; member of the province's Advisory committee on Prerogative of Mercy.

However, I want you to know that I am here to back you and Claire to see that you and Claire will receive the money and know that delay will not come from me if you and Claire will give urgent attention to this transaction. I donít delay my services and I donít do what will cause my client much expenses, so I want you and Claire to know that I will give you people the best of my service so that at last you will give me what you and Claire wish to use in appreciation of my effort, so know that there is no amount of money signed that you will give me or pay me because this is money willed to you people, and I am here to complete the wish of my late client to see that you and Claire receive the money from the finance house.

Again, I will advice you and Claire to receive the money through diplomat coverage to avoid U.S Government tax, the money will be packaged as family treasures and it will be delivered to you at your door step through diplomatic coverage and as a diplomat with diplomat passport no custom or emigration will question the diplomat on the way. And before registering the money for security reasons, it will be registered as Family Treasures Consignment. The Diplomats from the finance house will not know the content of what they will be conveying. It is only you people, I and finance house director also financial expert that will packaged the money will knows that contains of the consignment.

Finally, you will file the application below and send to the finance house so that they will tell you what to do next and I am waiting for your urgent reply and confirmation as soon as you get this mail.

Best regards,

Barrister Tofa Maxwell.
Tel:+22 8-922-4588


This is unacceptable to John and Claire:
Quote:
Mr. Maxwell,

Well, there ya go! Typical lawyer thinkin'. So the diplomat delivers the money to our farm. What then? Do we bury the money out back of the barn? Stuff it under the mattress? No, dammit! What good would that do? We'd hafta deposit the money in the bank, right? And what happens then? I already told you - government investigation, and then taxes. Now that's just plain dumb!

The only way I know for Claire and me to keep all the money is if you tells us some foreign bank, and then we opens an account there so you can wire the money to it. Then we don't NEVER bring the money to the United States. What we do is sell the farm, and then Claire and me retires to somewheres warm. How about Spain, is that warm? Or maybe we retires and builds us a house on that beach property that Norman bought in Ghana. How about Ghana, is that warm?

John and Claire MacDonald
MacDonald Farm


So the barrister gets off script and comes through with some banks, but guess what? They're all legitimate!
Quote:
Dear John and Claire MacDonald,

After I received your mail, and I look into your options and I chose Senegal because Senegal is more secured and warn. I made some enquiry over a reputable bank in Senegal that this fund can be transferred. And the banks said that due to the standard of the transfer of inheritance they said that you will not open an online account for you, that you need a representative who will stand on your behalf to open the account.

Here is the bank that is good:
1. Stanbic Bank
2. Barclays Bank
3. Intercontinental Bank
4. EcoBank

As I said above these banks said that before they will open an account on your name as a foreigner and you must have a representative and that means I will fly to Senegal to represent you after you have fill the form and return to me because I will fly to Senegal with the form for submission. I want you to confirm to me from my own decision of opening the account in Senegal instead of Spain or Ghana so that I will go ahead and collect the account form from the bank and send to you to fill. Be advice that I will have to fly to Senegal to represent you as soon as you return the filled form which I will collect from the bank tomorrow and send to you. If there is any other condition I will let you know also as soon as I hear from you then I will contact Senegal Airline to know how much itís for the Air ticket.

Best regards,
Barrister Tofa Maxwell.
Tel:+22 8 922-4588.


I let him cool down for a day.
Quote:
Dear John and Claire MacDonaldb

I wish to let you know that i am still waiting for your reply and confirmation for the mail i sent you yesterday about the bank the new account will be open, kindly get back to me so that i will know the next step. Your urgent reply is highly needed as soon as you get this mail.

Best regards,
Barrister Tofa Maxwell


Since it looks like he has no bank, maybe he'll safari.
Quote:
Mr. Maxwell,

Well, that's a big disappointment! Claire and me, we thought we could open an account with any bank online so we could do it from right here at home, maybe before we goes out to shovel out the chicken shed.

Consarn it, if we can't do it online, then we'll have to do it your way. You tell me when you're gonna fly to Senegal, and I'll meet you there and you can take care of the business for me, cause you speak the language and I don't. Claire, she's sorry she can't go, cause she's always wanted to see Africa, the giraffes and all, but I think I got her calmed down some. I wisht she could go, but we can't afford tickets for two people. Good thing we got the Atlanta airport right here nearby. Don't hafta drive so far to get to it.

You know, that gimme an idear! While I'm over there in Africa, I could sell that beachfront property in Ghana what Norman bought. Probably worth a lot of money now, I'll bet! Gotta look into that.

Write us soon,

John and Claire MacDonald
MacDonald Farm


Well, it's pretty obvious he doesn't want to go to Senegal after all. He tries to dissuade me from coming to Africa.
Quote:
Dear John and Claire MacDonald,

I found out that there is political problem in Senegal now so that it will not be possible for us to travel to Senegal now and I have rule Senegal and I will advice you to open the account in Gambia, But itís not needed for you to come for opening of the account and you donít need to come because that it will cost much money, you and Claire will come after the US$15.1M have be transferred to the new account , I think that will be better. Inside of you to travel down here now that the money have not be transfer, for opening of the account I can handle it, you will only fill the account form and send back to me, then I will go and open the account. Since I am here ready you donít need to come again for the opening of the account, I will send you the account form so that you will it and send back to me. I am waiting for your urgent reply and confirmation as soon as you get this mail.

Best regards,

Barrister Tofa Maxwell.


Gambia? Gambia is good.
Quote:
Mr. Maxwell,

Well, I guess you knows best, cause you is there, an I ain't. So we won't be goin' to Senegal. But Gambia? Sounds right interesting. And since Claire especially don't want nobody to open an account for us cause she don't want nobody to know the bankin' details, like the password and such, I guess I'll be comin' over to Gambia to open the account if Claire and me can't do it online. You tell me where to come exactly, less'n you wants to tell me the internet address of the bank so Claire, she's my wife, can open the account. She's a right whiz at the computer, she is. Knows how to pay our bills and everthing.

By the way, Claire says hi, and she gets right snippy cause I forgets to ask about your family.

John (and Claire) MacDonald
MacDonald Farm


More legitimate banks. Phooey!
Quote:
Dear John and Claire MacDonald,

I received your mail which the contents therein is well noted. In the first place, I want you to know that I am avoiding many expenses in this transaction, me to fly to Gambia from Togo and you will fly from USA that is much expense why we have not know how much it will cost to enable the bank here to transfer the money to the new account that will be open. So, I will advice you people to try online if it will be possible to open the account on in Gambia and this is the banks websites below

1. http://www.trustbank.gm/
2. http://www.standardchartered.com/gm/
3. http://www.agib.gm

If it is not possible to open the account online from USA then try the following banks in England to open the account then after the US$15.1M is transferred to England account then you and Claire will come down to Gambia and open the account and transfer the money from England to Gambia if that you people like to live in Gambia. Here are England banks too:

1. http://www.nationwide.co.uk
2. http://www.hsbc.co.uk
3. http://www.ltsbcf.co.uk
4. http://www.nationwideinternational.com
5. http://www.barclays.co.uk

Dear John and Claire MacDonald, Please try to open account online with one of above banks, Gambia or England above is the websites you need to enable you open the account online. I am waiting for your urgent reply and confirmation as soon as you get this mail.

Best regards,

Barrister Tofa Maxwell.


Well, I'm gonna go to Africa whether he wants me there or not. I got some beachfront property to sell. And this is where I put the money where the lad can smell it.
Quote:
Dear Barrister Maxwell,

Well, I looked at that list of banks you sent, and they's might impressive. But some time ago I thought to myself, "you know, that beachfront property what Norman bought in Ghana afore he shot hisself, it's just sittin' there and ain't doin' nobody no good." So me and Claire talked it over and we decided to sell it, but we didn't know how. So we went to a local real estate company, Fife Realtors, and we talked to Mr. Barnard Fife. He said he'd sell the property for us for 16% plus expenses. Me and Claire told him he had a deal. Well, he put an ad in the Accra Daily Mail, which I guess is a newspaper over there. And the ad ran for near on six weeks and didn't get no response. And we was just ready to tell him to stop runnin' the ad, cause it was costin' an awful lot of money, when some guy up and says he's interested in buyin' the property. He asked how much, and Mr. Fife, he says $350,000, and the guy says that's too much. So he offers $300,000, which we thinks isn't too bad considerin' it didn't cost us nothin'. So we took it. All this is by way of sayin' I got to travel to Kumasi, Ghana to sign over that there property to the buyer, name of Ayi Kwei Ngonloma. The signin' over is supposed to happen at the offices of the Apex Bank, which I'm told is on the Ahodwo Roundabout, adjacent to Alliance Francaise. I got that information from Mr. Fife. He says he ain't goin' to Ghana, though - that wasn't in the deal. But I don't mind goin', 'cause I always wanted to see Africa anyways.

So this here's my plan. I'm gonna fly to Accra, and then take me a bus to Takoradi where the property is, to see what Norman bought. Then I'm gonna take a bus to Kumasi. Now here's the problem: I ain't never been to Africa before, and I don't want to get cheated by the bank or that guy what's buyin' the property. So I'd like you to meet up with me in Kumasi at the Apex Bank, and you can watch and listen to make sure I don't get cheated. Sorta be like my lawyer, when we close the deal and signs the papers. Then when he gives me the $300,000, I gives you $50,000 for your trouble, and I pays all your expenses. You don't need to bring no money, 'cause I pay your hotel, and your meals, and your plane fare or bus fare back home, however much that is.

And I figger as long as I'm there in Kumasi and inside that Apex Bank, I may as well open the account you been talkin' about. I'll probly need your help for that, too. But that's gotta be part of the $50,000, 'cause Claire and me wanta get some good outta all this.

We's sposed to close the deal in Kumasi on Tuesday, February 5th. You think you can make it, or do I gotta find somebody else?

John MacDonald
MacDonald Farm


He wants to talk on the phone? Peachy! I can do that, but not right away. And I'll call him, not the other way around.
Quote:
Dear John MacDonald,

I received your mail which the contents therein is well noted. In the first place,I will like to speak to you on phone before you will take off from USA to Ghana, so urgently give me your cell phone number to enable me call you. I want us to talk on phone how every thing will work out before you will come down to Ghana.

Best regards,
Barrister Tofa Maxwell.


Let him soak for a while.
Quote:
Dear John MacDonald

I wish to let you know that i am still waiting you to send me your mobile phone number to enable me call you so that we will discuss on phone before you will flying down to Ghana because there is what I want you to do before you will coming.

Best regards,

Barrister Tofa Maxwell.


I call Barrister Maxwell. You can download it at http://www.mediafire.com/?9hg020xzjdm. Will he meet me at the Accra airport? Not likely. They usually find a last-minute excuse.
Quote:
Dear John MacDonald,

Thanks for your call this evening and as i was saying on the phone, that I have a Court case to attend in Benin but since you insist that you want me to be with you in Ghana, I will try to be with you there. But I will like you to confirm to me your flight schedule to enable me know that time and date you will arrive in Ghana so that I will be there in Airport to welcome you. And when coming I will like you to buy a present for me like Laptop and GSM (NOKIA) that is what I am in need of, even after this I will be remembering you with the gift.

I am waiting for your urgent reply and confirmation as soon as you get this mail.

Best regards,

Barrister Tofa Maxwell.
Tel: +228-922-4588.


I guess I'm not too good at follow-up. Too many chores around the farm.
Quote:
Dear John MacDonald,

This is to remind you that i am still waiting for your reply and confirmation of the mail i sent you yesterday also give me your phone number and try to call me again there is what i want to tell you. Thanks for your understanding.

Best regards,
Barrister Tofa Maxwell.


Maybe he'll safari to Takoradi... maybe. Or even Abidjan.
Quote:
Mr. Barrister Maxwell,

Okay, here is the information you asked. Good thing you asked when you did, cause this is probly the last time we gets a chance to talk afore I gets there in Africa.

I couldn't get on the airplane to Accra, cause it were full. So the travel people put me into Abidjan, and then I gotta takes a bus to Tokaradi. But you say you wants to meet me at the airport, so this here's the information: My plane gets in to Felix H. Boigny airport at 1:50 a.m. on Monday. That's in the morning. Early, I know, but we'll still have time to get to Tokaradi, and then after we sees the beach property to get to Kumasi for Tuesday. It's just a bit tight, so I called the Apex Bank and set the closing for 4:30 p.m. on Tuesday instead of the earlier time I said. That'll give us more time. I got a question: do you think it's safe for me to travel with near onto $250,000 on me? I got one of them money belts, but I ain't gonna feel safe til I gets back home in Georgia.

Don't you worry about expenses none, cause I'll pay for rooms and meals and bus fare after I meets you. By the way, I don't want you holdin' up no signs at the airport. I'll be wearing my straw hat and my church-goin' bib overalls, so you can know me. Won't be nobody else dressed like that, so you won't need no sign.

I'm real sorry to tell you I ain't bringin' no laptop computer. Two reasons. First is I don't know nothin' about laptop computers, so I wouldn't know what to buy. The computer we use here is an old Sinclair what Norman bought fore he shot hisself. The other reason I ain't
bringin' no computer is it's too big and heavy to manage as carry-on luggage. And I don't wanta check it, cause it'll get stole. But I will bring the phone, cause it's smaller and I can manage it just fine in my carry-on bag. I ain't got it yet, but there's a place in the airport, so I'll leave a bit early so's I can get it. I don't know how much it's gonna cost yet, but you can punch up the fund by that amount to pay me. Oh, another thing - as I understand it, that phone will work okay in the U.S., but it ain't gonna work in Africa. But I expect you know how to fix that.

Okay, I guess the next time I sees you is in Abidjan airport. Wish me luck.

John MacDonald
MacDonald Farm


See, he's not going to meet me at the airport.
Quote:
Dear John MacDonald,

I received your mail which the contents therein is well noted. In the first place, you are welcome to Africa. However, I want you to know that you will transfer the US$250,000 to your account in USA after you take out your expenses money. Again, in case we donít meet in Abidjan airport take bus from the airport to Accra Ghana (COCO BEACH HOTEL ACCRA, TESHIE NUNGUA) then from the hotel we move to Tokaradi and then after we sees the beach property to get to Kumasi. That is what you will do if we donít meet at Felix H. Boigny airport due to the time of your arrival. Because I will be in this Hotel (COCO BEACH HOTEL ACCRA, TESHIE NUNGUA) if donít make it to Felix H. Boigny airport to welcome you. But I will try my best to see if I will make it to meet you at the airport. As for the cell phone before you will made a mistake and get phone that will not work here in Africa, below is the list of the GSM Nokia phone you will look for and get one for me.

1. Nokia N90i
2. Nokia N95 8GB
3. Nokia N95
4. Nokia N81 8GB

I will like you to get one of the above listed phones and I like America quality so try to get it there. I am still waiting for your final mail before you take off so that I will know when you are on the way.

Best regards,
Barrister Tofa Maxwell.


John sends a last-minute email from the airport.
Quote:
Mr. Barrister Maxwell,

I'm at the Hartsfield airport in Atlanta, waitin' for my plane to board, and I used one of them internet terminals what you pay $5.00 and then you can check your email. I got your information you sent, but it sounds like you ain't gonna be in Abidjan to meet me at the airport. That don't matter, except I just found out by talking to another man what's going there that they speaks French. I don't speak French. I hopes they is people there what speaks American.

Got your list of cell phones. I was worried what you said, but I remembered you said Nokia, and dumb luck, the one I got already is a Nokia N95, so it should be okay. I don't know nothin' about cell phones, so I don't know what kind of features it's got.

Sorry, but I can't do like you say in your email. It don't make no sense for me to take a bus from Abidjan to Accra, then all the way back to Takoradi. So I'm gonna go from Abidjan to Takoradi, then straight to Kumasi, unless the bus goes through Accra. I dunno. I guess that means you ain't gonna see the property, but that don't matter none. I'm sellin' it anyways, so come Wednesday I ain't gonna have it no more. But I will have lots of money, and so will you.

So I guess next time we talks will be in Kumasi on Tuesday, okay? Did I tell you I had the closing moved from 10:00 in the morning to 4:30 in the afternoon? Can't remember. That happens when you gets old.

Well, see you soon. Wish me luck. They gonna call my flight anytime soon.

John MacDonald


It's Sunday, 3 February. Remember that, because he's going to refer to it later. Up until now, his IPs all resolved to Lome, Togo. Beginning this one, it's Accra, Ghana. And the writing style, punctuation, and capitalization are identical. So he's safaried. Why he arrived so early, I don't know.
Quote:
Dear John MacDonald,

This is to let you know that i am in Accra Ghana now but i do not know how to get you or get in touch with you and i am very worried. Please call this number and tell me where you are now 027-355-3336 this is Ghana line and i got the line because of you. In your last mail you said that you are going to take off by yesterday your time10:00 in the morning to 4:30 in the afternoon and i hope that you are in Ghana now while i am in Accra Ghana too and my worried now is how to get you. I am waiting for your urgent call as soon as you get this mail so that i will tell you where we will meet.

Barrister Tofa Maxwell.


John alleves his worry from Casablanca. And sometimes John, he spells Takoradi wrong.
Quote:
Barrister Maxwell,

Calm down, you're gettin' all excited. Ain't no problem. First, I ain't due in yet. If you recalls, I'm flying into Abidjan, cause I couldn't get into Accra. And I don't arrive until 1:50 a.m., which would be several hours from now. Right now I'm waitin' to board my airplane in Casablanca, Morocco. It don't leave for near another hour yet, so I thought I'd check my email from one of them internet places they got in the airport. And I got your mail. So you're in Accra - good. I used one of them confusin' arab telephones and tried to call on the number what you give, 027-355-3336, but I guess I didn't do it right cause the call didn't go through and my money came back to me.

You seems to be confuse about the meetin' too, the one at Kumasi. It were original scheduled for 10 in the morning, but I was afeared we wouldn't get there on time, so I called and axed 'em to move it to 4:30 in the afternoon, which is just before they close. I guess the bank was gonna tell the buyer. I hope they did.

So when I gets into Abidjan, I'm gonna take a bus or somethin' to Tokaradi, then see the property, and then go on to Kumasi. So I see you there. Hope I don't have no trouble with folks what speak French - so far it ain't no problem here in Morocco where they speaks arab. The people what run the airlines all speak American, so ain't no problem. I got plenty of money with me for what we need, and I got your Nokia cell phone too, but I had to turn it on for the security people. It's still fixed for the U.S., so I can't use it here.

You ought to see the toilets they got here! Some of 'ems arab. They's really different.

See you soon in Kumasi.

John MacDonald


This dummy thinks I'm in Kumasi already, despite all I've told him. And he wants to know my hotel and room number? Not good! He'll call and see if I've really made a reservation.
Quote:
Dear John MacDonald,

I recived your mail which the contents therein is well noted. Please i want you to know that we have to meet in your hotel in Kumasi before moving to the Bank, i want to know the part of Kumasi you are so that we can see and talk before going to the bank. Please i am waiting for your call to enable me know where to see you in Kumasi and don't tell any of those poeple there in Kumasi that i am coming till i get there. Give me the details of the hotel you login, your room number and your hotel phone number. I am waiting for your reply and call before i will move from Accra to Kumasi.

Best regards,
Barrister Tofe.


I correct him about my location. The rest is fluff and trying to keep him focussed.
Quote:
Barrister Tofe,

Good to read a friendly voice. But I'm not in Kumasi yet. I just got to Takoradi about 11:30 a.m. I couldn't believe it! When the bus got to the border, the border was closed! What kind of crap government closes the border at night? So I had to sleep best I could on the bus. Now I'm in Takoradi, my first concern was food. This internet cafe what I'm in got some snacks, but nothin' serious, so when I leave here I'm gonna look for some real food. See if I can find a McDonald's, maybe. Then I ax directions to where Norman bought the beachfront property. After that, I see what the bus schedule is to Kumasi.

I ain't shaved nor washed since I left home, so I looks a mess. Claire would be right scandalized, she would. I looks okay in a beard, no worse'n some these other folks, but I needs a place to wash up and change clothes.

Tried to call you again using the cell phone what I brung for you, but it didn't work. Maybe you can fix it with one of them card things.

Ain't had a lot of language problem yet. I just holds out money and points to what I want, and they takes the right amount. Leastwise, I guess it's the right amount. Anyway, it works.

That's all the news from here. See you tomorrow in Kumasi. If the bus gets in late I might go straight to the bank. Otherwise, I'll try to connect with you. Remember, 4:30 p.m. at the Apex Bank. I dunno where, but they probly got a conference room somewheres. I'm lookin' forward to gettin' that $250,000.

John MacDonald


Still out of Ghana? What's he talking about? I've told him I'm in Takoradi.
Quote:
Dear John MacDonald,

This is how you will dial the number if you are in Ghana 027-355-3336 but if you are still out of Ghana you will dial it like this +233-27-355-3336, please know that I am still waiting for your call or mail before I will be coming to Kumasi.

Best regards,

Barrister Tofa.


Same day, he's getting antsy.
Quote:
Dear John MacDonald,

Please understand that I want us to hold talks before moving to Apex Bank at 4:30 p.m. so I want to know the hotel you will stay in Kumasi so that I can meet you there this evening or tomorrow morning. Once again this is how you will dial the phone number 0273553336 please try to call me so that I will know where to meet you.

Best regards,

Barrister Tofa.


Still same day. Too much time on his hands. And I'm beginning to think he has no intention of going on to Kumasi.
Quote:
Dear John MacDonald,

The best option is for you to give me your hotel room number and phone number as soon as you get to Kumasi so that i will call you and don't fail to do as i said now. I am expecting the phone number and hotel room number so that we can talk for me to get direction to meet you before 12:00p.m tomorrow as to enable us go to the Apex Bank at the appointed time 4:30p.m. Finally, understand that we have to introduce ourself and hold discussion in person in your hotel in Kumasi before we move to Apex Bank.

Best Regards,
Barrister Tofa.


Well, I couldn't answer him up until now, because I've been busy inspecting the beachfront property.
Quote:
Barrister Tofa,

Thanks, I just got back to the Mr. B. internet cafe in Takoradi, having looked at the beachfront property. Good thing I decided to sell it. I had some idear it was gonna be like a South Seas island, with palm trees and all. Actual, it were just a stretch of dirty sand covered with seaweed and a few smelly dead fish. No trees. Higher up, they was some grass, but I don't know where the property boundaries is. Good riddance, I say.

Ain't nothing much to eat here, so I just has some snacks. I never did find no McDonalds, so I finally bought some rice and what looks like bananas. Weren't too tasty like what Claire makes, but it'll keep body and soul together. I tried to call Claire on your phone, but that
didn't work neither. Must only work in the United States. Gonna be dark soon outside. When I leaves here I'm gonna find a bus what goes to Kumasi. Probably have to sleep on the bus again, but it's hard because the roads is so rough.

I see in your emails you wanta meet before we go to the Apex Bank. Yeah, I agree with that. I don't know what the bus schedules is, but if I get into Kumasi before noon tomorrow then I think we should meet in my hotel room, okay? I'll send you my hotel name and room number when I know it. Maybe the hotel have something good to eat.

Hope you brought a good suit and a briefcase. At least one of us oughtta look good, and I definitely don't. See you tomorrow in Kumasi.

John MacDonald


The barrister is a no-show at the Apex Bank. Big surprise.
Quote:
Dear John MacDonald,

I am feeling very bad now as i did not meet up with the time, because i had problem on my way to Kumsai and since morning if i sent mail to you and the mail will return back, i am very confuse kindly tell me your room number so that i will come and meet you. Please hurry up and get back to me so that i will know how things went in the Apex Bank, please i am worried now get back to me soonest.

Best regards,
Barrister Tofa Maxwell.


No $50,000 for you, buddy!
Quote:
Barrister Tofa,

I'm in the internet cafe right now, checking on why you didn't show up. I got your email, and I sees you had yourself a problem. That's a shame, but the meetin' went okay, and actually I'm just as glad you didn't come cause now I got $50,000 more for me and Claire than I figgered. The meetin' started a little late, about 4:45 p.m. The bank folks was in a hurry, cause they wanted to go home, so we did things kinda quick. We signed the papers to give over the property to the buyer, and he gave me the $300,000. I thinks he was rich, cause he was dressed like it, and he says he plans to build a big house there by the beach. Anyways, he had a lawyer, and the bank had a lawyer, and they was surprised I didn't have none. I told 'em I had one, but he didn't make it. That was you.

So I walked from the bank to this here internet cafe, the Cybernautix, I think it's called, and soon as I sends this I'm gonna find something to take on the bus to eat and then I'm gonna catch the bus to Accra to meet you. What I suggest you do is get us two hotel rooms. Don't spend too much money, I don't need no fancy place, just clean and comfortable, but I'll pay for both of 'em. When I gets to Accra, I'll check email again. You let me know where the hotel is, and the room number, and I'll meet you there. I figger the bus gonna get there late tonight, so don't go to bed early. I'll give you the cell phone I brought, which don't seem to work here anyhows. But I ain't gonna give you the $50,000 because you didn't show up for the meetin' like the other lawyers did.

Gotta go now. See you in Accra.

John MacDonald

P.S. - Why do all them little kids point to me and yell "Saminga!"? What does saminga mean?

Saminga means "white person". This actually happened to one tourist.

The barrister reveals the hotel he has booked for us.
Quote:
Dear John MacDonald

I received your mail and the contents of your pain me so much. This is the name of the Hotel and address of the hotel both the hotel room number I got for you. And as soon as you get to Accra take a Taxi direct to below address

HOTEL BORA BORA, ADDRESS: TESHIE NUNGUA ESTATE ACCRA, GHANA, HOTEL ROOM NUMBER: 208

Also you can call me with the phone number I given you already, okay this is the number once again 0273553336 I waiting you.

Barrister Tofa.

Sounds terrible, but I checked it out on the internet, and reviewers say it's not bad.

And the bit he forgot:
Quote:
Dear John MacDonald,

This is the hotel phone number: 0244-185280 or 021-716423/4


Ooops!! How could I have been so stupid? Now Barrister Tofa will have to wait another day.
Quote:
Barrister Tofa,

I done screwed up, and I probly cost us a day. I was exhausted and not lookin' close, and I got on the wrong bus. It didn't help any I didn't know the language they speaks here. Anyway the bus headed the wrong direction, and I didn't know no different. When we pulled into Ejura I asked the driver was this Accra, and he says "Ejura". Well, I got off, thinkin' that meant yes. So here I am in Ejura. I'm tired, I'm hungry, and I'm dirty, and it's too late to get on another bus for Accra. So now I'm in the Speedy internet cafe, what stays open all night, but there's a whole bunch of people here, I don't know why. I already got me a hotel room, and I hope I don't catch nothing bad from it, cause it looks like a real fleabag. By the way, I tried to call the Bora Bora Hotel at 21 716 423, and it rang and rang and nobody answered. I was gonna ask the desk clerk to give you a message about what I done, but nobody done answered. You oughtta tell him off for me.

Well, I'm beat, so I'm gonna turn in. Tomorrow's another day. I'll catch a bus down to Accra tomorrow sometime and see you. Room 208, right? You and me, we got some business to discuss. G'night.

John MacDonald


"Things to do in Togo"? Scamming things, no doubt.
Quote:
Dear John MacDonald,

I am waiting you and know that i have another things to do in Togo and i have been in Accra since sunday and room 208 is your own room.

Best regards,
Barrister Tofa.


And again, same day:
Quote:
Dear John MacDonald,

I am still waiting you and I am worried now and try to understand that i have things to do in Togo.

Best regards,
Barrister Tofa Maxwell.


Same day. I try to get him to hire a taxi to the internet cafe. And I really did call the hotel.
Quote:
Barrister Tofa,

I'm in Accra now, but when the bus got into Accra, the other people got all the taxis. I'm in the Business Ghana Internet Cafe. Can you come get me? I don't rightly know where it is, but you can probly find it. I'll be waitin' for you. At least there's somethin' to eat here. Did you get my email? I tried to call the Bora Bora Hotel last night and again just a minute ago. Last night nobody answered, and a minute ago the phone was busy. Sounds like a right crap hotel.

John MacDonald


Same day. Whine, whine.
Quote:
Dear John,

I don't know the part of Accra you are and the easy way is for you to a stop a taxi and ask the taxi man to call phone number 027-355-3336 then i will direct the taxi man how to get to the hotel, this hotel (Bora Bora) is well known here in accra. I am waiting for your call soonest.

Best regards,
Barrister Tofa.


Same day. I'm quite sure he has unattended magas in Togo.
Quote:
Dear John MacDonald,

I am still waiting you and I am worried now and try to understand that i have things to do in Togo.

Best regards,
Barrister Tofa Maxwell.


Same day. I really did call the hotel, successful this time. I don't believe I violated the third party rule because these people provide these services all the time, and the clerk was never in any danger of losing money or being harmed. But where was my lad staying? Unless the desk clerk had it wrong or was lying.
Quote:
Barrister Tofa,

I don't understand. I waited and waited for you outside in front of the internet cafe. Finally I called the hotel and spoke to the desk clerk. I asked for you by name and I asked to be connected to room 208. He said you hadn't checked in yet. You hadn't checked in yet? You said you've been here in Accra since Sunday. Where have you been staying? And when are you going to come to pick me up?

John MacDonald


Same day. He's not happy...awww!!
Quote:
Dear John,

I want you to know that i am not happy as i have not see you, why can you call my line ? I ve' given you my number to call me so that i can direct you on how we can meet. but you didn't!, i don't understand what is going on. why did you refuse to call my number?, just come to the hotel i directed you and call me, i will meet you and take you were i am as you requested for a lower hotel to stay then i found it and directed you to there, just let me know immediately you get there then i will come over and discusse with you. Thats all. i only have today and tomorrow to stay here in Ghana. if i don't see you today, am sorry i will be going back to Togo in you did not comply to the direction. This is my number again 027-355-3336

Best regard,
Barrister Tofa.


Same day. I burn him, but without educating him to the existence of baiters.
Quote:
Barrister Tofa,

You're not happy? I'M not happy! While I was waiting for you out front of the internet cafe, a Ghanian policeman walked by. I asked him how long it would take you to get to the Business Ghana Internet Cafe from the Bora Bora Hotel. He asked some questions about who was picking me up, and I told him about you. He laughed and said you did 419, and there probably is no Barrister Tofa Maxwell. I was shocked! What is 419? If you're not Tofa Maxwell, what is your real name? Why did you come to Ghana to help me if you are not a real barrister? What about the money you promised me? I think you should come and address what this policeman has told me. I'm still waiting for you.

John MacDonald


Same day. I'll let him have the last word.
Quote:
Dear John MacDonald,

I am going back to Togo tomorrow and if you want to know if i am barrister come down to Togo then you will see with your eyes.

Best regards,
Barrister Tofa.


Thus does it end. As of today, February 6th, he's still in Accra, and going back to Togo tomorrow. Perhaps his business will show a profit downturn for February.

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Slightlyoutofit
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 06, 2008 9:03 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Nice work mate. clapping

You say "only" 105 miles, but believe me, that can be a bugger of a journey.

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lotta
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 06, 2008 9:52 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

I loved the Hillbilly angle. Laughing

Great job Pilgrim! As Simba's says.....105 miles in those conditions, is far.

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Simba
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 07, 2008 12:39 am Reply with quoteBack to top

As SOOI points out, 105 miles might not be that far on good European or US roads, but on African public transport, with a border crossing thrown in for good measure, its torturous... Twisted Evil

Image

Consider travelling on an unroadworthy, overcrowded, smelly bus ona "road" like this, only to discover that its been a wild goose chase, and that you have to make the return journey humiliated and broke.... Very Happy

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GeorgeBush
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 07, 2008 3:01 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Well done, very enjoyable!

Nice style of writing, many excellent lines. I especially had to laugh with your phrasing of the lawyer meeting:

Quote:
I told 'em I had one, but he didn't make it. That was you.

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RandyGerbil
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 25, 2008 2:17 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Well done i'm still learning and reading heaps, only hope I can be as good.
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onatrek
Master Baiter


Joined: 01 Oct 2006
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 01, 2008 8:48 am Reply with quoteBack to top

[quote="pilgrim"]
Anyways, he had a lawyer, and the bank had a lawyer, and they was surprised I didn't have none. I told 'em I had one, but he didn't make it. That was you.

I figger the bus gonna get there late tonight, so don't go to bed early. I'll give you the cell phone I brought, which don't seem to work here anyhows. But I ain't gonna give you the $50,000 because you didn't show up for the meetin' like the other lawyers did.[/quote]


I love it! And I love your character!! He's very convincing! Laughing

Love the pointing out that your lawyer that didn't show was him. Bet he cringed reading this part.

(ETA: Sorry, didn't read through the thread until after I replied after reading your whole bait part! Someone else already commented on my favorite line! GMTA! Very Happy )

And of course had to laugh early on when he wanted a laptop and cell to remember you by...because the 50,000 wouldn't apparently garner him any fond memories of you Razz

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