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 An instant trophy (of a kind)

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thomas-the-tank
Elite Baiter


Joined: 18 Aug 2007
Posts: 1087
Location: Wherever I want the lads to think I am


PostPosted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 2:15 am Reply with quoteBack to top

He was meant to send this surveyor's report and valuation a couple of days ago before my meeting with my bank manager to raise cash for the business we are starting together. However, his scanner broke, or the Internet cafe burned down or something, and it didn't appear in my inbox. I slapped him hard by IM, and he agreed to hand-type the original document so that I have something to take to the bank manager.

The first effort was weird - although we haven't paid for the land it appears to belong to us. He couldn't explain how all of this worked:

Quote:
Land Valuation of the land that belongs to Mr. and Mr. Richard

This land was brought from the hand of one along the airport road at owo ondo state Nigeria.

And have look at the land and it is a good land and I will say that is a good land and the type of place where is located is good and well selected for the type of business you want to do there.

After all works that have done on the land I must tell you the total cost of the land and the amount the land worth. The owner should be given the sum of one million naira (1,000000} because the land is very good and it worth that price. The land is so good for the rearing of animals because the place is so cool to keep animals, that is the kind of place to rear them. As you know a cool place is the best place for rearing animals such as goats, pigs, cows e.t.c. and for the type of land you got I must tell you is the best land for the kind of business you want to do. So I will be happy if you can make use of this land that you have got.

Chartered surveyor


So I queried him, and he agreed to get a new valuation (at 1am his time - damn, those Nigerian surveyors and valuation agents work hard for their money!). It came back within 15 minutes or so.
Quote:
Land Valuation of the land that belongs to

This land belongs to one off the federal polytechnic road along the airport road at owo ondo state Nigeria.


The rest is the same as before. For an instant trophy, I don't think it's too bad. He's currently working on a letter of apology I am taking to my Japanese bank manager, since he hasn't sent the registry documents, the map, the photos, etc. that I needed to make the sales pitch to my bank manager and obtain the loan to start the business.

_________________
"You body parts will picked on the scene of a fatal accident that you will be involved in seven days time"
"I hate associating with men who are camelions"
"I have knowledge in goats since i learnt that in way back in secondary institution."
"I have come to learn the world is pregnant."
"Besides i am on a GLOBAL ASSIGNMENT WITH THE UN, so be reasonable and leave insults"
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Eliza_Doolittle
"Warned for lad hugging"


Joined: 16 Mar 2006
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 2:30 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Congratulations, I think your lad could pass kindergarten grammar here in the US! Send him to school so he can have his first REAL Diploma!!!

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thomas-the-tank
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Joined: 18 Aug 2007
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 2:40 am Reply with quoteBack to top

And here's his letter of apology to my bank manager, Mr for his failure to deliver the goods on time. Not bad for about 30 minutes' work.

Quote:
Apology letter to Mr.

I Mr. ,a business partner to Mr.Richard XXXXX here by write to apologise for my inability to scan the land document needed for the business intended to be executed between my humble self and Mr.Richard XXXXX.

It was due to my in ability to dectect that there was a fault which I thought would be rectified within the shortest time but which proved otherwise which lead to the delay in which am been forced to get a new one within a short period of time.

I assume the delay would have caused you some inconviences which I too is not happy about ,I could imagine the effort,time,things that could have been done that are left or shifted for this purpose.

Am therefore,promising you that by the grace of God as soon as the day breaks here in Nigeria,I will send the necessary documents regarding this proposed business.

All inconviences are highly regreted and am therefore promising you on behalf of my humble self and Mr.Richard,that such a delay will never happen again.Once again,kindly accept my apology.

Yours faithfully,
.

_________________
"You body parts will picked on the scene of a fatal accident that you will be involved in seven days time"
"I hate associating with men who are camelions"
"I have knowledge in goats since i learnt that in way back in secondary institution."
"I have come to learn the world is pregnant."
"Besides i am on a GLOBAL ASSIGNMENT WITH THE UN, so be reasonable and leave insults"
"suck your blood untill you resemble stockfish"


United Kingdom x 3 x 2 Ivory Coast Australia x 2 Benin
Safari Wole A x 4!! :
pony pony pony pony Goat <= don't ask about the goat! Inventor
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Ambush7
"kak shoveler"


Joined: 20 Dec 2007
Posts: 243


PostPosted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 3:04 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Goat Rental Shocked OK, I just have to ask. Is goat rental big in N1ger1a? Confused
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thomas-the-tank
Elite Baiter


Joined: 18 Aug 2007
Posts: 1087
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 3:09 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Oh, is going to be the Next Big Thing throughout West Africa.

You see many Japanese people are allergic to cow dairy products, and need goat milk and and cheese. However, there's no space for keeping goats in Japan, so it has to be outsourced to other countries.

So the Japanese "rent" a personalized goat in Nigeria, whose dairy products are air-freighted on a daily basis to Tokyo for distribution in Japan.

My lad is my boots on the ground for this entrepreneurial venture, renting land, scouting out goats, etc.

_________________
"You body parts will picked on the scene of a fatal accident that you will be involved in seven days time"
"I hate associating with men who are camelions"
"I have knowledge in goats since i learnt that in way back in secondary institution."
"I have come to learn the world is pregnant."
"Besides i am on a GLOBAL ASSIGNMENT WITH THE UN, so be reasonable and leave insults"
"suck your blood untill you resemble stockfish"


United Kingdom x 3 x 2 Ivory Coast Australia x 2 Benin
Safari Wole A x 4!! :
pony pony pony pony Goat <= don't ask about the goat! Inventor
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rootuser
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Joined: 10 Dec 2007
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 3:14 am Reply with quoteBack to top

That might be something for Hong Kong too. Maybe I could interest you in a 100% risky free supply contract?

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D11
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 3:33 am Reply with quoteBack to top

convince the lad your going to have him "groom" them and any that look enough like poodles will be sold for big bucks to the australians and americans as theres a shortage of french poodles.

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Wright B Hindyou
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Joined: 11 May 2004
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 5:13 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Quote:
It was due to my in ability to dectect that there was a fault

He's renting out faulty goats? Shocked Slap time.... Very Happy

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Mr. Green
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 6:52 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Your plot line is a hoot!

Have you considered asking him to make goat cheese to see if the milk has the right fat content? Wink

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fengibbon
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 9:25 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

oooohhhh its good to be back to 419....... Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy

I would ask for photographs to make sure he is "rearing them properly"

Seriously, a great idea - love the concept....... rentagoat

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Worf
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Joined: 27 May 2007
Posts: 1690
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 9:40 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

If you would like a logo, feel free to grab my avatar. My business went belly up Sad. You just need someone named either Dave or Majeed.

Or if you need someone to play a jealous business rival, just let me know? Wink

_________________
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Wright B Hindyou
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 10:41 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Quote:
I would ask for photographs to make sure he is "rearing them properly"

Of course he's "rearing" them - did you ever hear of anyone "fronting" a goat? Whether he's doing it properly, that's harder to say... Cool

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thomas-the-tank
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Joined: 18 Aug 2007
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 10, 2008 12:14 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Update:

The trophy pic I was promised didn't arrive, but I got this instead:
Quote:
Apology letter to Mr. Richard

I am Mr. the MD of loyalist café here in Nigeria. Sir one Mr. came to our café this morning to come and scan a picture and when the picture was being put inside our machine to start scanning our scanner machine just went off and since than the machines as not being able to work.

So Mr. told me that he had told you that his sending the photo today that you will not be happy to hear that he was not able to send it, so he was now worried. So I told him that I will send you letter of apology. so what I now did is that I told the photo with me to my house that I will use my scanner machine to scan it than store inside my flash derive than first thing tomorrow morning we send it to you. I should have forward the photo to him but am not connected so that is why.

Am sorry for all what I have caused you please am very sorry. Thanks for your understanding once again am sorry.
Yours Faithfully,
Mr.


The lad responds to slapping, obviously - a well-trained little pet. And he sent some truly impressive paperwork trophies which you can see by clicking here.

_________________
"You body parts will picked on the scene of a fatal accident that you will be involved in seven days time"
"I hate associating with men who are camelions"
"I have knowledge in goats since i learnt that in way back in secondary institution."
"I have come to learn the world is pregnant."
"Besides i am on a GLOBAL ASSIGNMENT WITH THE UN, so be reasonable and leave insults"
"suck your blood untill you resemble stockfish"


United Kingdom x 3 x 2 Ivory Coast Australia x 2 Benin
Safari Wole A x 4!! :
pony pony pony pony Goat <= don't ask about the goat! Inventor
View user's profileSend private messageSend e-mail
SlapHappy
Baiting Guru


Joined: 15 May 2006
Posts: 9612
Location: Floating up and down with happiness.


PostPosted: Thu Jan 10, 2008 1:50 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Nice find, Thomas! Good luck on your new business venture. I think it's a winner! Very Happy

_________________
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dr stephen williams
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 10, 2008 3:46 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Thomas, you know the no-fault insurance you geet so if you scraaaaape the door of your rental car on a dumpster, you don't have to pay it? What kind of insurance policy are you going to have? What if they, um, abuse the goat? Ask your pet what his policy is going to be....

_________________
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thomas-the-tank
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Joined: 18 Aug 2007
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 11, 2008 10:38 am Reply with quoteBack to top

And for those wishing to go into the business, here is a rough estimate of the costs involved, as provided by my lad (ignore the layout - just the way things happened):

Quote:
Things                                                                Cost
 
Sands                                                                  500,000
Land                                                                    1million
Stones                                                                  500,000
Nails                                                                    100,000
Cements                                                               1.2million
Labours                                                                1million
Roofing sheets                                                      2million
Goats 3000 per one                                               5million
Animal’s food per year                                          2million
Machines                                                               10million
5 buses                                                                   5million
Generator standby                                                 1.5million
Fuel per year both car and generator                     3.5million
Drugs per year                                                        500,000
Borehole                                                                 1.5million
P.v.c pipes                                                               300,000
Toilet materials                                                       500,000
Workers salaries per year for 100 workers             5million
Light materials                                                        500,000
Iron rods                                                                  500,000
Windows                                                                  500,000
Animal nets per year                                                 500,000
wood&Paints                                                            2million

This is the cost of the things needed and all the account are in naira Nigeria money.

I don't know why we need so many drugs... And I wasn't planning on buying 5 buses for this operation... But the lad is working hard for his money, to be sure. This must have taken a little time to compile, and it sure as heck isn't part of any script.

_________________
"You body parts will picked on the scene of a fatal accident that you will be involved in seven days time"
"I hate associating with men who are camelions"
"I have knowledge in goats since i learnt that in way back in secondary institution."
"I have come to learn the world is pregnant."
"Besides i am on a GLOBAL ASSIGNMENT WITH THE UN, so be reasonable and leave insults"
"suck your blood untill you resemble stockfish"


United Kingdom x 3 x 2 Ivory Coast Australia x 2 Benin
Safari Wole A x 4!! :
pony pony pony pony Goat <= don't ask about the goat! Inventor
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M1d0r1
Master Baiter


Joined: 30 May 2007
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 11, 2008 11:14 am Reply with quoteBack to top

I know I'm going to regret asking but what part of Goat Grooming requires £2K worth of iron rods ?!?!
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thomas-the-tank
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Joined: 18 Aug 2007
Posts: 1087
Location: Wherever I want the lads to think I am


PostPosted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 1:26 am Reply with quoteBack to top

^^^

Don't ask, and I won't tell Smile

Seriously, there are several items I don't understand there. He is going to have to write a long report to me explaining them.

_________________
"You body parts will picked on the scene of a fatal accident that you will be involved in seven days time"
"I hate associating with men who are camelions"
"I have knowledge in goats since i learnt that in way back in secondary institution."
"I have come to learn the world is pregnant."
"Besides i am on a GLOBAL ASSIGNMENT WITH THE UN, so be reasonable and leave insults"
"suck your blood untill you resemble stockfish"


United Kingdom x 3 x 2 Ivory Coast Australia x 2 Benin
Safari Wole A x 4!! :
pony pony pony pony Goat <= don't ask about the goat! Inventor
View user's profileSend private messageSend e-mail
thomas-the-tank
Elite Baiter


Joined: 18 Aug 2007
Posts: 1087
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 14, 2008 1:46 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Update - I asked about the "machines". The lad obviously googled for "milk" and "machine" and sent me details of an espresso machine off the Internet. I've told him to tell his dealer that he (the dealer) is an idiot, and he has promised to do this.

Since the land is over 1 hour from the airport, buses are obviously unsuitable for transporting the milk there. We have agreed on refrigerated trucks. He likes Toyota, but I have told him to look for a Wasabi dealer.

We have yet to move on to the question of iron rods, M1d0r1

_________________
"You body parts will picked on the scene of a fatal accident that you will be involved in seven days time"
"I hate associating with men who are camelions"
"I have knowledge in goats since i learnt that in way back in secondary institution."
"I have come to learn the world is pregnant."
"Besides i am on a GLOBAL ASSIGNMENT WITH THE UN, so be reasonable and leave insults"
"suck your blood untill you resemble stockfish"


United Kingdom x 3 x 2 Ivory Coast Australia x 2 Benin
Safari Wole A x 4!! :
pony pony pony pony Goat <= don't ask about the goat! Inventor
View user's profileSend private messageSend e-mail
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