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 MASS BAIT: WIP Building Insurance

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Hello I'm New here!

Joined: 22 Aug 2007
Posts: 6

PostPosted: Wed Sep 19, 2007 6:42 am Reply with quoteBack to top

First of all, this is not my idea. I am just taking the mass bait for the bike insurance posted in a different direction.

Here is what has happened so far, hopefully he'll bite and we can have a whole load more stupid stuff to start requesting. It is looking very good...

Dear Mr. *****,

I understand that you are the manager of Royal Crown Insurance Company
and I was passed your details by friend who has contacted you
previously about insurance.

Do you do building insurance?

The reason I ask, is due to our special needs we have had to have
insurance from the USA and Uncle Sam seems to be charging a little too
much for this forigen insurance. As the "Father" of my local parish, I
have tried to get insurance for my church but cannot get insurance
against "Acts Of God" from any company in the UK and have been stuck
with an American company that I have to pay monthly through Western
Union International as they insist on payment every four weeks.

Are you in a position to furnish me a quote for my parish against
possible evils that may befall my brothers in our fathers home? Also,
can we arrange a one off payment I have enough on my agenda and would
like to pay the years insurance up front to avoid the devils work of
having to go into town every four weeks.

In my capacity of the "Father", I also have a chain of other churches
that people may wish to use your services for. We are a franchise of
churches across the world and are always looking for new members to
setup a church so we can spread the word of the "Father" at our cost.

Insurance is critical for us, as each church even in poorest backward
countries such as the Easter Islands has an average annual income of
500,000. It is critical that my muti-million church franchise has
full insurance against "Acts Of God", but I am sick of the way that the
American white boys treat me.

Father *****

...the reply...

Dear *****

WE Covers:
Your Building:

Loss or damage to your building up to the Sum Insured
Costs of removing debris, dismantling, demolishing etc. after the loss or damage up to 10% of the Sum Insured
Legal, architects and surveyors fees incurred for reinstatement or replacement of the building up to the Sum Insured
Reinstatement costs of the building up to Sum Insured
Loss of rent
Reasonable cost of alternative accommodation incurred by the Insured for the period of reinstatement
Accidental damage to water, oil, gas sewage and drainpipes
Underground cables
Accidental breakage of sanitary fixtures and fixed glass

(total amount payable will not exceed Sum Insured)

Liability of owner to the public:

What the owner will be legally liable to pay as owner in respect of accidental injury or disease suffered by any person other than his family residing with him or in his services, or damage to the property of any such person, occurring in the building, but not if it arises from insured's employment, profession or business

Your Contents:

Household Goods and Personal effects (except money, deeds, bonds, cheques etc, vehicles, livestock etc.)
For Loss or damage due to:

(a) Fire and lightning
(b) Earthquake and volcanic eruption
(c) Explosion
(d) Riot and strike
(e) Malicious damage
(f) Aircraft or aerial device
(g) Impact with buildings
(h) Storm, tempest, flood
(i) Bursting or overflowing
(j) Theft accompanied by actual forcible and violent breaking
(k) Damage to water oil, gas, sewage and drain pipes, or underground cables, but not septic tanks or pits
(l) Accidental breakage of sanitary fixtures and fixed glass except where house is let or sublet or unoccupied

It's your choice, whether you would like:

Buildings to be reinstated
Contents to be replaced as "new for old"
Cover to radio/television aerials
Your insurance to extent if building is unoccupied
Cover for deep freezer contents for damage caused by rise or fall in temperature
Please note that the above description is for guidance purposes only, and does not include the totality of the cover available, all exclusions to the policy, all warranties and conditions or available endorsements to the policy.

...He had also sent me a building quite and something about mass insurance for a cycle club. So I sent back...

Dear *****,

Thank you for your prompt reply, this is what I expect with any company I deal with and am elated that you do not mess me about like those damn white americans.

Now I have read with pleasure your quote and have TWO things that need urgent attention before we proceed. It is URGENT that you read fully and understand my questions. I need a full response as the lord is guiding me.

1. Under "Your Contents", I need to have a new sections which is:

(m) Plague of locasts and River of Blood from praying to a false detity.
(n) Act of wrath from any of the four horsemen.

- Is the above covered and if not, what is the new premium. I will need a revised quote with the policy amended.

2. This is all very well for my church, but may I have your kind permission to pass your details to the other ministers so that they may contact you. The global insurance is due for rewnal soon on every church and parish and we need to be protected from false Gods.

Thank you also for the reciept of documents RC237CI, 8/07. Can you plase explain what the Insurance Application Fee is? Considering the amount of business that I would look to put towards you, I am surprised. God is also mithed.

Secondly, you have sent me a quote of Business Combined Insurance to cover 134 businessess. I have many more chuches then this and the word of the brother is spreading daily. Each church and parish will need seperate cover and will need to contact you as all they do is pay me comission for their franchise and they keep all of their daily 1,000's. The second quote also seems to be for Ireland All Terrain and Bog Riders Association. I need this amended to the title of my church as the accounts depatment cannot process an incorrect quote.

I look forward to your urgent response brother.

Blessed is the lord that holds the great sky above and protects from false prophets against the fury of all damination and hails of locasts, rain, spark plugs and fire.


...hopefully he'll want to cover all my churches and be blessed with a flood of mails.
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dr stephen williams
Baiting Guru

Joined: 06 Aug 2007
Posts: 15997
Location: DSW's Tattoo Parlour

PostPosted: Wed Sep 19, 2007 3:48 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Is this going out to Mr Philios?

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