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 Snakes be Praised!! We've got a live one here!!

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Sirius Jones
Not quite a Newb


Joined: 20 Jun 2007
Posts: 62
Location: Earth, or thereabout


PostPosted: Tue Aug 07, 2007 5:36 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

This lad, bless his heart, is DUMB. I’m hoping he’ll be the first fully tattooed initiate to the Church.

FROM THE DESK OF MICHEAL NKUNA.


I apologies if my mail does not meet your personal ethics.

I work in the registry department of the biggest insurance company in Southern Africa.

That in my department I discovered files of matured insurance dividends amounting to several millions of Rand.

These ghost files were entered into in the Apartheid era and since the advent of new democracy in our country and change of officers most of these files could not be claimed because they are fictitious and some of them are traceable as the officers that know about them can not come forward for claims.

I hereby contact you to serve as next of kin to the Policy Number I will allocate to you and assist in claiming this fund and transferring to your account overseas for our mutual benefits. The fund is huge but the amount claimable will depend on your advice.

I will avail you the necessary information’s and documentations that will facilitate easy claims and subsequent transfer to your nominated account overseas.

I wish to inform you that its 100% risk free as long you follow my instructions and abide by the financial regulations of our Banking system as a commercial and the apex bank will be involved in the international transfer to your bank by TELEGRAPHIC TRANSFER

Remuneration will be mutually agreed upon to avoid problems after transfer. If you find -my proposal worthwhile get back to me via my email or my phone number 0027-84-498-1522.

Sincerely,
Micheal Nkuna



Hmmm…risk free you say? And such a fine command of the English language. Let’s test the waters here a bit, shall we?


Dear sir:

Your proposal is acceptable.
Please provide more detail to me to review. I look forward to demeaning you in the near future.

Yours in Bifurcation,

The Right Reverend Sirius Jones, DDBS,
Church of the Divine Bifurcated Serpent
http://revs.jones.googlepages.com/home




Dear Rev Jones thanks for your quick response and I want you to read
carefully with understanding,like I said in my proposal the funds are
dividends that are matured but cannot be claimed as most of the files are
fictiously entered by the illegal apartheid regime officers who lost their
jobs in fear of victimization by then black incoming elected officers.

There are two forms to be submitted by clients and you may fill them
wrongly and cancellations are not allowed,so I advice you send me your
full details. I will fill submit and send you the scanned copies for records.

1,Full Names
2,Full Address
3,Sex/Age
4.Occupation
5.Office Address
6.Tel/Fax Numbers
7.Next of kin
8.Photo copy of International or Driving License

The application will take two working days for approval and I have
planned it well since you are there now I will host the secretary to the
Board to a good lunch Wednesday and there I will introduce your
application.

Please act as soon as possible so that I can submit your application
before close of work Monday.i will host the secretary of the approval
board to a dinner saturday night.I will surely kind of introduce your file
to him.

If we get approval Wednesday or thursday,your file will be sent to one of
the accredited commercial banks for payment and subsequent transfer by the
Apex bank(THE RESRVE BANK OF SOUTH AFRICA)to your nominate account any
where in the globe where there will be less tax and conducive for
investment.

Do not worry about the authorities of your country as I will procure all
relevant documents like source of fund, anti-terrorist
certificate,insurance certificates etc.

I look forward to your response and in only 14 working days and we are
through with this transaction all things being equal and then I come over
to your country for sharing and invest into a good business under your
guidance.

The fund is huge so you must advice on how much your account can
accommodate and please how much percentage are you ready to accept for
assisting?I had mapped out 20% of total sum for you,5% for any
miscellaneous expenses that we may incur,get back to so that i will
contact my lawyer to draft an agreement that will safeguide our intrest.

Thanks for your understanding and please i will like to understand quite
clearly what your organisations is all about or better still when i come
over after the transaction i will like to settle with you and practice
what you preach.

Sincerely,
Mr Michael Nkuna.

Michael Nkuna.



Whoa….so much money it might not fit into my little bank account? We can’t have that!




Michael,

Here is the information you have requested:

1,Full Names: The Right Reverend Sirius Jones, DDBS
2,Full Address: Box 41 McMurdo Base, Anarctica
3,Sex/Age: Male, 41
4.Occupation: Avian Missionary and penguin-herder
5.Office Address: same as above
6.Tel/Fax Numbers: no phone, please use email
7.Next of kin: none, but Frederick D. Snowman is listed as the beneficiary on my life insurance policy. If you use him on the documents, you should use his nicname "Frosty" instead of Frederick, because that's what everybody calls him.
8.Photo copy of International or Driving License: I don't have a driver's license; I live in Anarctica.

However I'm attaching a picture of me taken before I left the US. You will note my Tattoos of High Office; these are required of all High Priests as symbols of faith. Even the initiates are required to obtain a tattoo when they join to demonstrate their commitment to the Bifurcated One.

Regarding the size of my bank account, it is actually very small and might have a hard time holding all that money. However, the Bank is in the process of digging a new and bigger vault, so there should be room for lots of money for us soon. Also, in case they don't finish the new vault next week like they promised, we might use the Church account, which is in a really HUGE vault and has lots of money and lots of room for more.

When you finsh filling out the documents, PLEASE SEND ME A COPY BY EMAIL, so I can make sure everything is correct on my information. I trust you to know what you are doing, but "Two heads are better than One" is the most basic teaching of the Church, and I feel we should both look at the finished document.

I am glad to know you are interested inthe Church of the Bifurcated Serpent. I will teach you more about it, as the High Priest, as it becomes necessary in the course of this transaction.



Yours in Bifurcation,

The Right Reverend Sirius Jones, DDBS,
Church of the Divine Bifurcated Serpent
http://revs.jones.googlepages.com/home





Thanks Reverend for your quick mail, I must commend your understanding
and I know what we are in, I promise to do my best this side to ensure the
success of this transfer.

I came to office this morning primarily to send you this form when the
office is less busy as this transaction requires our confidentiality for
us to succeed, ember I am still in service, please do not expose this
deal to protect my job until this transaction completed and I will resign
quietly and join you and other brethren in the church.

Please print these forms and fill in where necessary and return to me as
soon as possible, if ok send back by Monday so that I can submit
accordingly.


Talking about the church I will put in 10% of the total amount into the
growth of the church worldwide once we are through. do we have braches
here in Africa? It will be a great movement in Africa especially in
southern Africa where Christian religion is at its lest ebb.

If there is a website or magazine I can get right away so I will be
familiar with it before I come over.I was initially afraid but later I
knew this where one will blossom.
Infact for let me know of this great idea, your picture is really good. My
wife was glad when I opened the web site this morning, she said this what
I have been looking for.
Can I introduce my friends into the church?

lets use the church account if you have authority to withdraw without
revevealing this deal to people.i think there will be less problem as the
money could be classified donation by members across the globe.infact do
all that is better.

Keep well and hoping earnestly to join you out there and propagate the
church of the Bifurcated Serpent.

Regards,

Yours in Bifurcated

Micheal Nkuna Mr.



Well, bless your little mugu soul! Not only do you want to join, but you want to bring your wife and all your little guyman buddies too? AND you sent me some fine trophies—fake forms filled in by hand!!


http://revs.jones.googlepages.com/nkuna1


Several days later......

Michael,

I apologize for taking so long to respond, but I had to travel to Glynn Flaaven base to print these documents out, sign them and then scan them back in. It was over 20 miles on foot (well, on ski, actually) and the weather was truly horrible. When I got back, I found my penguins had fallen into an ice ravine and two bandersnatches were feasting on them. It has indeed been quite a week.

Anyway, here are the papers. Let me know what else you might need.

Yours in Bifurcation,

The Right Reverend Sirius Jones, DDBS,
Church of the Divine Bifurcated Serpent
http://revs.jones.googlepages.com/home





Thanks Reverend for your mail,its okay the important thing is that is done
properly.I hve however submitted the forms this morning and hopefully the
board will sit wednesday so all things being equal the good may come
immediately or thursday.Like i said earlier i have done some underground
work by spoiling the secretary of the Board and i had another chance to
use some P.R.sunday morning because the daughter of Board chairman did her
tradition marriage and i gave a remarkable present to the couple and the
chairman was elated because i told him that you could not come to your
busy schedule but you gave the gift.So there are positive signs that your
file will be approved.

I will keep you posted as informations emante.

How is the church doing?Things work good for those who have faith,Exactly
six months ago i did a great research on snake vernons,becasu the years
past our grand parents do tell us folk tales on the efficacy of the
vernons and today i am here with about to know the powers it has.

I am sorry if i bored with this long mail,do you have branches in africa
and if not how do i get reaaly involved? though i know once we are done
with this transaction you will send me and family a letter of invitation
which shall submit at the Embassy for visas.
I had real midnights thoughts about this whole revelations and i have
concluded that once we are through with this deal that i will commit
about 10 to 15 percent for the expantion of the church though depending
on the percentage you are willing to get as you have said anything
concerning that,i had aggreed to give 20% percent of the total
amount,since your account can accommodate huge sum i have applied for
US$65M (Sixtyfive million American dollars only.I am quiting my job once
it goes through but before then i would have distroyed all documents
relating to this transaction,i have concluded plans to set my department
on fire and in the midst of the confusion i will come over to join you.

I will go the court this morning for affidavit that will enable me apply
the department of justice to obtail Drug/Gem free and money lundary
certificate.

I have also play down on the aggreement i told you about since you a
person of this reputation (A REVEREND GENTLEMAN)i have firm believe that i
am in safe hands.i could not have asked for more as nothing can be so
assuring when you are in contact with such a man of high/respectable
position.I AM SO LUCKY AND BLESSED REV.

Do whatever you know that will enhance its success and i will do part to
pray fervently.

Keep well Rev.
Yours in service.

Cheers Michael.



Ummmm….what’s a snake vernon? Ahhh, nevermind; this peach of a lad is almost ripe.....


Please Rev as i submitted the form they requested that you write the name
of the bank and physical address in block letters.
And please if the amount bis too much for your account you can send the
church account as that will not attract attention from the authority.

Keep well and let informations reach me as soo as possible.

Michael


Oh…that’s right, you want to use the Church’s bank account. Well, if you’re willing to become a full Initiate…..


Michael,

I recently spoke with the Reverend Rael, High Colonic of the Church of the Divine Bifurcated Serpent about use of the Church account by non-members, and was instructed that only members could use it for deposits and withdrawals; this is in the Church's contract with the bank as drawn up by the law firm Dewey, Cheatham and Howe.

However, if you became a member of the Church, I would be able to provide you with the information you desire about the account. Is this a possibility?


Yours in Bifurcation,

The Right Reverend Sirius Jones, DDBS,
Church of the Divine Bifurcated Serpent
http://revs.jones.googlepages.com/home



More to come
Wink

_________________
my friend are you mad i do not want you to reply this mail or i will call the god of thunder to strike you ok

i have told you not to play with me because i will send HOLY GHOST FIRE to you and your entire family and you will be burnt like the princess of baal .

Morrison "Big Mo" Ibekwe


I have been diagnosed with Cancer which was discovered very late, due to my laxity in caring for my health. It has defiled all forms of medicine.

Saheed Djabal
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Bigglesworth
Master Baiter


Joined: 26 Jul 2007
Posts: 104
Location: Timbuktoo


PostPosted: Tue Aug 07, 2007 6:03 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

This one's almost TOO good to be true. Just make sure, good Reverend Sir, that he does not try to send you a whole bunch of REAL money. That would get Shiver and the Board on your case. Not to mention the Colonic Boss Man, the Most Reverend Rael. Wink
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forever_frost
Hello I'm New here!


Joined: 29 Jun 2007
Posts: 5


PostPosted: Wed Aug 08, 2007 9:58 am Reply with quoteBack to top

I couldn't stop laughing....
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paragodmedic
Not quite a Newb


Joined: 04 Nov 2005
Posts: 57
Location: Virginia, USA


PostPosted: Wed Aug 08, 2007 11:20 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Great effort. I look forward to reading your further efforts. Have fun.

_________________
“Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish; and you can sell him fishing equipment!”—Author unknown
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Sirius Jones
Not quite a Newb


Joined: 20 Jun 2007
Posts: 62
Location: Earth, or thereabout


PostPosted: Wed Aug 08, 2007 5:01 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Uh-oh…..Mugu Mike looks a little scared of that old-time religion…..


Ok Rev no problem,we dont have time ,lets continue with your account ok.i
want to be briefed on all fronts before my final commitment but let it
remain in principle until i move over .
Sincerely,
michael



OK MIKE no problem,,,,



The Right Rev,Congratulation as your Application is Approved for payment
this morning swiftly submitted to the accredic Bank (NEDBANK SOUTH
AFRICA LIMITED).
THIS INSURANCE CERTIFICATE ATTARCHED HERE IS CONFIRN THAT THE FUND IS
INSURED AGAINST LOST AS STIPULATED BY THE OLD MUTUAL INSURANCE RULES FOR
LARGE SUM OF MONEY.

THE NEDBANK WILL CONTACT YOU EITHER TODAY OR FRIDAY, AS THURSDAY IS PUBLIC
HOLIDAYS HERE IN SOUTH AFRICA.

PLEASE BE ON THE WATCH OUT FOR THEIR MAILS AND KEEP ME UPDATED ON ALL
DEVELOPEMENTS MY REVEREND.HOW IS THE CHURCH DOING? AND PLEASE I HAVE
IDENTIFIED AS AMERICAN CITIZEN,I HOPE ITS OK? THOUGH IT DOES MATTER JUST
FOR FORMALITIES.

CHEERZ AND REMAIN BLESSED.

MR MICHAEL NKUNA.




And another loverly trophy…..
But who the hell is Ned Bank?



http://revs.jones.googlepages.com/insurancecertificate




Mike,

That's just wonderful news! Thanks for all your hard work.

I read over the insurance certificate, and it looks to be in order. But, I do have one question: it mentions someone named Ned Bank in it. Who is this guy, and how well do you know him? Can we trust him with the account information?

And about using my account: I just spoke to Huey Dewey of the law firm Dewey, Cheatham and Howe, and he tells me that my bank hasn't finished the new vault yet. Because of that, my account is stiil in the same small drawer it has been in for years, and if we try to fit all that money in there, someone at the bank will notice for sure. I'm just telling you this because you asked me to do whatever would help enhance our success. It looks like we may need to use the Church account after all.

I talked about this to His Holiness Reverend Rael, and he told me that although he'd rather have you join the Church first, in this case he will make an exception because of your obvious honesty and commitment. So Reverend Rael said that if you would perform one Act of Debasement, he would grant you the Rights of the Initiate without you having to actually join yet! Isn't that wonderful that your dedication and voracious avarice have brought you to this point? Please let me know if this is agreeable.

Another piece of good news; I caught the frumious bandersnatch that had been attacking my herd. Now, not only will my penguins be safe, but I have save the bandersnatch hide to make some very warm clothes and blankets. They are very thick-skinned and furry, and their hide is prized by the local people. So, things are looking up for all around!

Please reply soon, so we can keep things moving along.


Yours in Bifurcation,

The Right Reverend Sirius Jones, DDBS,
Church of the Divine Bifurcated Serpent
http://revs.jones.googlepages.com/home

_________________
my friend are you mad i do not want you to reply this mail or i will call the god of thunder to strike you ok

i have told you not to play with me because i will send HOLY GHOST FIRE to you and your entire family and you will be burnt like the princess of baal .

Morrison "Big Mo" Ibekwe


I have been diagnosed with Cancer which was discovered very late, due to my laxity in caring for my health. It has defiled all forms of medicine.

Saheed Djabal
View user's profileSend private message
Sirius Jones
Not quite a Newb


Joined: 20 Jun 2007
Posts: 62
Location: Earth, or thereabout


PostPosted: Thu Aug 09, 2007 5:20 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Mugu Mike seems amused by my ignorance of High Finance.......and moves closer to where we all want him.

Thanks Rev for your understanding so far, You made me laugh my head
out,Nedbank is a commercial bank here, they are to collaborate the
transfer along side the Apex bank RESERVE BANK OF SOUTH AFRICA.

Please explain to me what debasement means so that i join the church with
my eyez open.I am 48yrs old and quite responsible for what i do and have
a large family to take care off. But like i said earlier my heart and
soul is with you all out the in this family.

But if its what you can do on my behalf please Rev you have my consent, I
have not meet personally though I seen your picture but there is
instinctive move in my heart that we will work together in life.

we need the church account as it will reduce attention compared to a
personal account and the account information must reach the bank as soon
as possible for I guess they will start transfer formalities by Friday.

My full names are Michael Thato Nkuna
My wife Nadia Nkuna
My twins boys Kenedy and Kenneth Nkuna
My likkle Queen is Joy thefilo Nkuna
Address 10 Mandela square ,Sandton.
Johannesburg.

Keep well Rev and do your best.

Yours in service.

Michael Nkuna.




Yeah, I’m laughing my head out too, Mike. What does debasement mean, besides the space under your house? I think I can help you understand the concept……




Mike,

My heart delights that you are considering your first Act of Debasement to demonstrate your willingness to consider the Church as a possible future community for you and yours. I am also happy to learn that you have seen my picture, as it will make explaining what an Act of Debasement is much simpler.

Understand, I am one of three High Priests of the Church, working for the good of mankind under the tutelage of the High Colonic His Holiness Reverend Rael himself. As a High Priest, I have performed many Acts of Debasement, as you can tell from my picture. These Acts are similar to the Sacraments of other churches.

The First Act is usually a small (5", or 130 mm) image of the Divine Bifurcated Serpent applied to the forearm or shoulder. I had mine applied to both my forearms because, honestly, it looks really cool. When I was a young and carefree Initiate some years ago, I also found that the First Act was also very attractive to women.

Let me know by return email if you wish to proceed, and I will send you a template for your First Act of Debasement. Please remember, this is not the same as becoming a full Initiate, in that you are not at this time committing yourself to the Church. But it will serve to grant you access to the Church's public account.

Yours in Bifurcation,

The Right Reverend Sirius Jones, DDBS,
Church of the Divine Bifurcated Serpent
http://revs.jones.googlepages.com/home



Sooooo close........we'll see what happens tomorrow!

_________________
my friend are you mad i do not want you to reply this mail or i will call the god of thunder to strike you ok

i have told you not to play with me because i will send HOLY GHOST FIRE to you and your entire family and you will be burnt like the princess of baal .

Morrison "Big Mo" Ibekwe


I have been diagnosed with Cancer which was discovered very late, due to my laxity in caring for my health. It has defiled all forms of medicine.

Saheed Djabal
View user's profileSend private message
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