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 Does anyone want anything carved?

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Ninastian
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Joined: 19 Sep 2006
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 19, 2007 10:51 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Hi Everybody

I've got a lad to the point where he is offering to get a wood carving done for me. Do any of you have any suggestions for something you would like me to commission on your behalf - maybe a contribution to a team project like the Lad Card Deck, or perhaps a morale-boosting trophy for a newbie with the leg-work already done?

Please post any suggestions and be prepared to submit designs/photos as required.

There's a good chance of getting photo trophies out of this guy, including him posing with the carving and holding a sign. However, he is expecting part-payment before sending the carving to me, so the chances of getting hold of a physical item are limited without some more persuasion (and in any case I still haven't organised myself a safe mailing address Embarassed ).

Our latest e-mails explain the deal. I wrote:

Quote:
OK - I have a commission for a new wood carving that I need someone to do
for me. My terms and conditions are as follows:

1. I will pay you US$2,000 upon receiving satisfactory photographic
evidence that the work is complete and meets requirements. This will cover
the costs of shipping it the UK.
2. On receiving the carving in the UK, I will pay you a further US$18,000.
How much of this you pass on to the artist/woodcarver is up to you.
3. What happens to it after that is no concern of yours, though you may be
amused to know that I have sold it to a certain lady in Hollywood for
US$50,000, which is not a bad price for something that does not exist yet.
4. I will not pay you A SINGLE CENT in advanced payments. I have been
ripped off before by African scammers and it is not going to happen again,
ever

I will provide you with details of the carving once you have agreed to the
above terms by return e-mail. These terms are 100% non-negotiable. If you
don't want to do this work, you can kindly let me know and I will find
someone else who needs the money, leaving you free to spend more time doing
whatever it is you normally do with your life.

My offer of an exclusive agency agreement has now lapsed because you pissed
me about - though at least you were man enough to apologise. If you had
not, then I would not be offering you this commission.

Respond immediately.


He replied:

Quote:
Ok as you wish, i agree to your terms and i accept your offer. You just tell me how you want the wood carving to look and i will make it immediately.
waiting in anticipation.
Adams


P

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Hellbastard
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Joined: 04 Apr 2007
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 19, 2007 11:00 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Great work so far. If he's prepared to carve it on credit, I'm pretty sure he can be persuaded to send it. If he doesn't, it's just a piece of firewood to him after all.

For some suggestions, you could continue the line of obsolescent computer games systems that have been carved to date. Alternatively, a nice piece of erotic sculpture or how about a religious icon for the churches of NERV or TWAT? The possibilities are endless.
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thestringer
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Joined: 21 Mar 2006
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 19, 2007 11:05 am Reply with quoteBack to top

maybe a wood carved Macbook might look nice ?


an updated P-P-P-Powerbook so to speak
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Raymond Luxury-Yacht
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 19, 2007 11:08 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Star Trek's USS Enterprise ! Very Happy

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Luther Blissett
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 19, 2007 11:37 am Reply with quoteBack to top

KD's avatar Razz

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mami
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 19, 2007 11:52 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Let the lad make this:

Image

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marty
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 19, 2007 11:56 am Reply with quoteBack to top

how about


Image
Image

Laughing [/img]
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Babs2007
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 19, 2007 2:40 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Personally, I'd like a carving of a parrot, but it doesn't have anything to do with scambaiting...

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Luther Blissett
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 19, 2007 2:44 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Neither has this, of course: Image
Does it have to have something to do with scambaiting? I don't think so? I mean does KD's avatar has something to do with scambaiting? See... Laughing

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icrighthruU
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 19, 2007 3:11 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

How big can it be? Could you get away with telling him you want a life size carving of a ZuLu Warrior?
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KeyserSoze
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 19, 2007 3:14 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Image

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Slightlyoutofit
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 19, 2007 3:36 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

If he's not going to send it to you, it's got to be something unique so as to prove that he hasn't just borrowed it from somewhere, or sloped into a shop and taken a photo.

Mami's idea is great. I doubt if they have Spongebob in Africa.

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llamedos
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 19, 2007 3:48 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

<---- Möbius strip ? Very Happy

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The_King_79
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 19, 2007 6:05 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Id make him carve some shrimp, or small piece of fish...

You know...

BAIT!

Cool
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maynard_g_krebbs
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 19, 2007 8:02 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

I've always wanted a carving of a liger.

Image
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zombie
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 19, 2007 8:59 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Tell him you want a 100:1 scale replica of the Jolly Roger Pirate ship.

Image

And you won't accept a 101:1 or 99:1 scale!
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Don
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 19, 2007 9:08 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

to do with baiting? well...

Image

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Saint Arnold
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 19, 2007 10:39 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Image

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Franc28
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 19, 2007 11:31 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

How about Frylock?

Image

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it wasn't me
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 19, 2007 11:36 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A 60ft Totem pole.

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JoeTam
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 20, 2007 3:04 am Reply with quoteBack to top

A member of human male anatomy, including the"scrotums", fully loaded. Might be a badge of honor among his pals! Tell him to make it life size, 2". Or 2' feet as his ego sees it. He could model it for us too! With his friends! It will be a tribute to his "man"liness!

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Ninastian
419Eater is my life


Joined: 19 Sep 2006
Posts: 416


PostPosted: Fri Apr 20, 2007 11:11 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Hello again

Many thanks for all the suggestions. There were so many good ideas that I have tried to find a way to include several of them. What I am proposing is a version of the Jolly Roger, which will be "crewed" by a range of characters such as SpongeBob and maybe an avatar or two.

This is how I have explained it to my lad:

Quote:
OK Chief - here is the first part of the design for the carving I want you to produce for me.

My client is a drug-addled Hollywood actress that even you will probably have heard of, but I will never reveal her name so don't even bother asking me.

Her latest delusion is that she is descended from "Native Americans", as opposed to Lithuanians who were exiled three generations ago for tampering with weighing scales, but who am I to argue. A few months ago she watched something on Discovery Channel about how, hundreds of years ago, these noble savages would float around on tranquil lakes for hours on end in hollowed-out logs, listening to the voice of the wind and watching the leaves dance to the music of Mother Earth. Apparently these boats also doubled up as "dream catchers", and the natives would fill them with carvings which represented their hopes, fears, likes and dislikes. No wonder they lost.

So, given that she is both stupid and rich (which is how I like them), my dear client has decided that she must own one of these boats. I managed to convince her that a full-size version would be a monumental waste of trees, time and space, so she has agreed on a scaled-down version. She wants to use it as a "psycho-ethnic focal point" at her showbiz drug parties by floating it in her swimming pool - so not only does it have to look good, it needs to float properly and not fall apart the first time that a crack-crazed overweight teen-flick producer decides to jump on it.

As you can imagine, a boat made from a log will tend to roll over, but I did some research (chargeable - hee hee!!) and discovered that those clever natives designed a stabilisation device which kept things at an even keel. You will see how this works from the attached drawings. Looking at the design, it's probably just as well that Anna Nicole-Smith won't be going to any more Hollywood parties - but just to be on the safe side you will need to conduct some stability and strength tests on the boat before shipping it.

My client wants the boat to be called "The Jolly Roger". Apparently this is the name of the first film she ever appeared in, back in the days when she was a struggling teenage actress who still believed what the producers told her.

You have agreed to the contract as per my earlier e-mail, and I remind you that it is 100% non-negotiable. Note that this commission includes both the boat itself and some smaller carved figures which will need to go inside it (in the hollowed-out area - the plans make this clear). You will need to complete these as well. These figures will represent my client's deluded hopes, fears etc etc. She is still deciding exactly what they will be (with the help of her Counsellor and Life Coach, no doubt) and I will let you know the details as soon as I can. Meanwhile you can start work on the boat.

We probably have a couple of weeks to complete this, so don't sit around scratching your arse. But whatever you do, make it good or I will never work with you again. And believe me, Chief, there's loads more where this came from - this dumb bint should be good for another few hundred thousand dollars.

BTW I know you guys are sometimes a bit concerned about payment modalities but as far as I am concerned you can have it any way you like - cash, offshore bank account, shells, whatever. But remember - if you let me down, you won't get a single cent.

Yours etc


And here is the design for the good ship Jolly Roger:

Image

It should drive them mad, trying to get those stabilisers to stay on.

As ever, the lad's greed-to-idleness ratio may not be high enough for us to pull this one off (fnurr fnurr!), but you never know until you try.

And it's still not too late for you to suggest carvings to go inside the boat, now you know what it will look like.

P

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Oh [the captive] ate his own willy!!! HAHAHAHA. I saw the look of excitement in his eyes like no other meat taste better!! yummm yummm! HAHAHAAHAHA. He cut his big right toe, his penis and penis shaft at different stages- funny funny funny!! He did this where some promiscous women do all sort of things. I know they were all thrilled. ahahahahahhhhhaaaaaa. His penis shaft was sewn to his nostril and more!! The doctor did a good job!! My men took picture of him parading him around the market square and public schools where everyone sang him wanker praises!! HAHAHAHAHA!!! I will continue to torture him unless I receive my $150,000 reward for wasting my time!! Period!
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maynard_g_krebbs
Master Baiter


Joined: 04 Apr 2007
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 20, 2007 4:12 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

That is hilarous. Great one! I hope he comes through with it.
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ryder
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Joined: 20 Apr 2007
Posts: 35


PostPosted: Mon May 21, 2007 1:47 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Hi all,

After laughing my man b00bs off at the carving stories, it's occured to me that maybe we can raise some money to help fund this website by selling the carvings on ebay?

I'd be willing to do all the leg work, listings, packing etc.

Anybody got a lad who's waiting for his carving instructions? I've got the perfect piece waiting to be carved and sold.

Rik
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BonneSource
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Joined: 03 May 2007
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PostPosted: Mon May 21, 2007 2:45 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Don't know if this is too late, but how about some sails?
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