Will they REALLY respond to anything?

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Posted: Wed Jun 23, 2004 3:17 pm

Well, the action is really heating up. I heard from the barrister today:

Quote:

Sir,

I was at the Foreign Remittance Office of the African development Bank
(ADB)
where the lady incharge confirmed all the information you sent to me
regarding the transfer of your kin's money to your desgnated overseas
account.

I am very much willing to swear tyhe oath on your behalf and indeed
render
any other legal services you may required from me and hereby give my
terms
as follows:

1. My consultation fee of US$3, 500 must be paid before the
commencement of my services
2. The court chareges for the procurement of the swornm affidavit
is
US$4,270
3. My legal/professional charge, though I will give you the grace
to
pay this fee after the
transfer is done, is US$20,000

You are therefore, required to send the fees in items i and 2 above
through
western union money transfer so that I could go to the federal high
court
and swear the oath.

Please let me know when you are rady to send the money so that I can
give
you the information with whaich to send it.

Thank you once more for choosing my firm for this service.

Yours-In-Service,

Barr. Uzondu.

Boy, that's a little expensive; my divorce lawyer didn't charge anything near that. (Of course, I got hosed in that deal, but I digress.) Anyway, the money is no problem as long as it complies with Church regs:

Quote:

Dear Barrister West,

I received your email and understand completely; thank you for representing the Church of the Holy Walrus in this urgent and important matter.

Your terms are acceptable. I can have Brother Ted Kaczynski (Keeper of Records) draw up the release order and submit it to Father Guido Sarducci (high priest at our monastery) for approval. Father Guido says that the money will be no problem as long as the transaction complies with Church policy.

In order to release money from Church funds, the recipient must be a confirmed member of the Church of the Holy Walrus. You do not have to be ordained as a minister, but you must be baptized into the church. This is a fairly simple procedure.

If the recipient of church funds is not a member of the Church of the Holy Walrus, a clearance fee may be submitted to the Treasury in order to release the funds. The Treasurer will notify Father Guido, and then the funds can be released.

The Church would be honored to have you as a member, Barrister West; however, I understand that a man in your position may not wish to subscribe to a sect of Christianity which is considered out of the mainstream. If you do not wish to join our church, I understand and will not be offended...but then you would have to pay the fund clearance fee for non-members. Since you are billing the Church US$3500 as a consultation fee, the release fee, according to Brother Ted, is US$75.

Please advise me as to your preference. If you wish to join our church, I will be happy to send instructions.

Regards,

Brother Hannibal Lecter

Of course, I heard from Abba as well...this guy sure is illiterate for a well-respected banker.

Quote:

Dear friend,
Please do send the information to thelawyer and if he namehis fees pay him so that hecan swearthe ffidavit.
Get back to me after that
Regards
Abba

Yeah, well, you never got back to me about joining the church, either, dude.

Quote:

Greetings, Brother Abba!

I did as you asked. I sent the information to the lawyer and Bcc'd you on it (so he would not know of your involvement); did you receive the email?

Barrister West responded saying that everything was OK. He said his consultation fee would be $3500. I responded by saying the money would be no problem provided the transaction complied with church policy as I explained to you:

1) The Recipient must be a confirmed member of the Church of the Holy Walrus (or)
2) A fund clearance fee must be paid to enable the Church to release money to a non-member.

I have not heard from you regarding your preference in this matter as it pertains to the Fund Release Order for the bank totaling $8,788.55. As I mentioned, Brother Abba, we would be honored to have you in the Church of the Holy Walrus; if you are unable to join our church, the clearance fee to release that amount of money to a non-member will be $120.

Please advise as to your preference; I will alert you when I hear from the barrister.

Goo goo g'joob,

Brother Hannibal Lecter

To be continued...

Posted: Wed Jun 23, 2004 3:55 pm

Lew_Skannen wrote:

Ask him what an 'American hard currency' is and how many you get for the dollar. I mean a shrewd operator like you wants to make sure he isn't going to get ripped off.

hard currency would be the type you mainline, wouldn't it?

Posted: Wed Jun 23, 2004 5:38 pm

The following email arrived, titled "Commit the lawyer": Smile

Quote:

Dear Brother,
Send money to the lawyer so that he can swear the affodavit and pay the fund release order.
Please do everything at your reach to make sure that you send the money today.You can register me in your church as far as they are willing to help with this transfer.
We have no time to waste so please send money to the lawyer
Regards
Abba

Not so fast, Skippy. You ain't gettin' off that easy...

Quote:

Dear Brother Abba,

I have written the lawyer and have informed him of Church policy. If he is not a member of the Church (and he is not in the records as a member), all he has to do is pay the clearance fee and all the money he requires will be sent.

His consultation fee is $3500. The court costs are $4270. Brother Ted says the clearance fee for his consultation will be $75. The clearance fee for the release of court costs from Church funds will be $85. However, if the two fees are combined as one withdrawal from Church funds ($3500 + $4270 = $7770) the clearance fee is reduced from a combined $160 to a one-time clearance fee of $115. We are awaiting his decision before we can proceed.

As for your willingness to join the Church, Brother Abba, let me congratulate you on making a life-changing and enlightening decision! The Church of the Holy Walrus will be proud to welcome you with open arms...but remember that this is not a decision to be taken lightly. I will contact Father Guido for the materials and instructions you will need for joining the Church. But first we must take care of the lawyer.

I am very, very excited that you have decided to join us on our spiritual journey.

Regards and a hearty GOO GOO G'JOOB,

Brother Hannibal Lecter

Posted: Wed Jun 23, 2004 5:47 pm

Fucking lawyers...This one had the subject line "Taxes":

Quote:

To: Brother Hannibal Lecter.

Sir,

I have receivedyour letter and the contents well noted. Thank you for
inviting me to be your member. I must tell you that I am already a
member of
the catholic Church, but I would like to think about what you have just
said
but that should be after we must have finsihed with what we have at
hand.

Meanwhile, you can deduct whatever tax and saend the balance. Please
note
that the court charges of US$4,270 must not be tampered with otherwise,
the
amount would not be enough to pay the court charges for the court
affidavit.
All taxes must be deducted from my personal fee(consultaton fee)

Get back to me for the information with which you wil send the money by
western union.

Thank you and remain blessed in the Lord Jesus.

Yours-In-Service,

Barr. Uzondu.

Taxes? This ain't no stinkin' taxes. (Catholic, my arse...if you were, you would understand about such things as paying the church.) Smile

Posted: Wed Jun 23, 2004 6:47 pm

Let's see his excuse now...

Quote:

Dear Barrister Uzondu,

I completely understand why you would hesitate to change religions. It is a difficult thing to do, and I highly respect your devout Catholicism. I myself was a member of the Cthulhu cult before being saved by Jesus the Carpenter and the Holy Walrus.

We at the Church of the Holy Walrus have a strict policy about dealing first and foremost with those of our own faith. After having been persecuted by the Mormons here in Montana and threatened with Amish Jihad in Pennsylvania, we know who our friends are and we value our relationships. In 1922 a Brother John Dillinger withdrew Church funds for the procurement of fixtures for a monastery in Indiana. Unbeknownst to the church fathers, the money went directly to a furniture manufacturer allied with the Shakers, and it completely ruined our lucrative business of making chairs. This is why the Church requires a strict adherence to policy. Non-members must pay a clearance fee for any withdrawal of Church funds.

The fee is not a "tax," Barr. Uzondu; as a church, we are exempt from paying taxes and we may not charge taxes. I cannot deduct the clearance fee from your money, because technically until the clearance fee is paid, the money to be sent to you does not exist. Once you pay the clearance fee of $75, Brother Ted can withdraw the $3500 required to pay your consultation fee. Likewise, the $4270 required to pay court costs for the procurement of the affidavit may be withdrawn from church funds once we receive the clearance fee of $85. Or, if you are able to consolidate both fees into one transaction, you can save money because the clearance fee for a total withdrawal of $7770 is only $115.

Surely a well-respected barrister in South Africa is able to come up with a paltry $115 to enable us to send $7770 in return. I am not a businessman, but that sounds like a very good investment. Of course, if you wish to join our church you can avoid paying the clearance fees, but I would not expect a devout Catholic to simply abandon his faith over $115. Plus, as a Catholic you are no doubt accustomed to paying your own church.

Regards,

Brother Hannibal Lecter

Posted: Thu Jun 24, 2004 3:28 pm

This guy is just too fucking dense...

Quote:

Dear friend,
You do not need to get the lawyer into this.This is not his transfer.Pay the neccessary fee and get this transfer effected.
This is the way forward and I hope you will not let me down
Regards
Abba

Who's letting whom down, dumbass?

Quote:

Brother Abba,

I do not understand what you mean by "You do not need to get the lawyer into this." You are the one who had me contact the lawyer. I understand it is not his transfer; it is between you and the church. But if the lawyer is to be paid from church funds, the clearance fee must be paid to release the funds to the lawyer, who is a non-church member. It doesn't matter who pays the clearance fee; it can be you or the lawyer. Either that, or we need to find a different lawyer who is a member of the church.

I will not let you down, Brother Abba; I am giving you access to church funds that will be paid to the lawyer for his fees and to the bank for the transfer fee. The clearance fee is the key that unlocks the Church vault for non-members. If you become a member of the Church, you will not have to pay the clearance fee. If the lawyer becomes a member, he will not have to pay. But thus far, no one is stepping forward to either a) become a member of the Church or b) pay the clearance fees.

The fate of this transaction lies in your capable hands, Brother Abba.

Goo goo g'joob,

Brother Hannibal

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