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 A Trip Down Memory Lane - Official PWT Press Release Archive

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callum
Director of Press Relations


Joined: 29 May 2004
Posts: 3631
Location: On the run from the asylum and this seems like a good place to hide. Blend right in...


PostPosted: Thu Mar 15, 2007 5:32 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Quote:
OFFICIAL POSTWHORE THREAD PRESS RELEASE

"IT'S NOT MY POST"


In response to rumours currently circulating in certain circles, @mrsbean does not own the post upon which she hangs her tight pants at night.

When questioned about this earlier today by the Problematic Post Ownership Committee, it was established the post is rented. "I only rent the post. It costs $57.34 a week which I deposit in a cereal box in the mod's pantry". A rent book recovered from the pantry and tabled by @mrsbean before the PPOC names the postlord as "The Post Facilitator" but the actual identity of this person remains unknown. Investigations are continuing into the current ownership of the post, with several suspects being held for tickling by feather.

Any member of the unwashed public have any information they think may be related to this ongoing enquiry should contact Superintended Ergot immediately by hanging loose pants with a note in the pocket to any fencepost within a three hour drive from their present location.

Director of Press Relations of the Postwhore Thread

Quote:
OFFICIAL POSTWHORE THREAD PRESS RELEASE

MOD'S NEITHER CONFIRM OR DENY BEING FAT 60 YEAR OLD MEN


In response to residents who have expressed concern over past weeks about the identify of fat geriatrics participating in what appears to be zimmer frame races in the grounds of the Mugu Love building while wearing nothing but body paint, the current Minister of Naked Sports, the Honorable Sir Gnasher says "There is no thong to see, please move along".

Several of those interviewed claim to recognise some of the naked racers as moderators of the 419eater community.
"I'm sure that was NN with the squid down there. I know those toes intimately." - @TSnerd, a cracked teacup.
"The bouncing, the wobbling, the shuffling, KD is even more scary in the flesh than I ever imagined." - jojobean, young and impressionable.
"I want that one! I really really REALLY want that one!" - mugu_cultist, head in the dumpster.

Residents of the General Forum whose balconies overlook the grounds last week filed an application in the High court to have the participants of the races waterblasted in public to reveal their true indentities. The hearing is due to be held next Friday with the clockwork judge @battery presiding

Staff at the Moderator Licensing Office are refusing to elaborate on the exact terms under which Moderators are allowed to moderate but did conceed that use of zimmer frames, mint jelly body paint and whipped cream in public places may not be specifically prohibited. However the nice lady on the reception desk, possibly Ms SlayerFaith, did express some surprise at the thought of all moderators being 60 years young.

The naked zimmer frame races can usually be viewed from @YW's balcony, Apartment 17, 6th floor East Wing, General Forum between 3:30pm and 6:30pm. Rental telescopes and binoculars available.

Director of Press Relations of the Postwhore Thread

Quote:
OFFICIAL POSTWHORE THREAD PRESS RELEASE

KNICKERED AND PROUD!


Shares in 419eater.com rocketed to a new high of $3.67 in late trading this afternoon in response to the revelation that @callum wears hand embroided knickers under his lacey kilt. When questioned about the sudden surge in share price from the previous close of $0.34 by the market surveilance panel, Managing Director @Bustyn_Yurhass of PW Inc which holds a 46% stake in 419eater.com stated that knickers are soon to become the underwear of choice for all baiters regardless of gender.

A comprehensive range of intelligent embroided knickers will be released after the completion of experimental trials in the 4th quarter Y06. When asked about the new product range @callum said "I'm newly knickered and proud. It's great to play such a pivotal role in the development of the new microchipped lingere line. I must also thank @TSnerd for his supoort in trialing the bra's" @TSnerd is presently unavailble for comment due to entanglement of his underwire in a chainlink fence.

In keeping with 419eater.com's tradition in innovation, the new lingere line will allow moderators to track the movement, posting, shopping, diet and sexual activity of all members and offer services tailored to the specific needs of each individual. "The possible uses for this new technology could well be endless, and it will certainly make our job far more titillating" said moderator spokesperson @Eight.

For further information on the new microchipped lingere line please contact PW Inc Customer Services and ask for @leccy.

Director of Press Relations of the Postwhore Thread

Quote:
OFFICIAL POSTWHORE THREAD PRESS RELEASE

PINK PONY LOSES ITS HAIR - NITS OR FLEAS?


Postwhore's were shocked yesterday when after several days in hiding the official mascot of the PW Thread was led through the corridors of power butt naked. The Pretty Pink Prancing Pony mascot, affectionately referred to by some as "that sick bastard JMR" appeared to have been completely shaven except for a small tuft above the left hind knee. The blue merkin is also apparently a sight to behold, but only for those who have not eaten in the past 24 hours.

While the significance of this event has yet to be determined, it is obviously that the pony needs more exercise. The removal of hair has revealed a flabby body lacking in any muscular definition. "It doesn't seem possible that such an unconditioned animal could ever manage to prance while pulling the mod's drink cart" said one startled onlooker who refused to be named but wore a name tag similar to Loyclopper.

Veteran veterinarian KeyserSoze said there could be several medical reasons behind the horrifying spectacle that the populace will be subjected to until the regrowth really kicks in. "Fleas, lice, male pattern baldness, hormonal imbalance, excessive alcohol intake combined with bored flatmates and shaving foam. It's hard to tell from this distance and I'm not getting any closer in case it's contagious."

When asked for comment the hairless monster let out a pitiful whimper, which in itself quite unusual for a prancing pony, and attempted to hide behind the nearest object which bore a striking resemblance to @KD.

Donations to the "Pretty Prancing Pony Coverup Fund" can be made through the Treasury Office.

Director of Press Relations of the Postwhore Thread

Quote:
OFFICIAL POSTWHORE THREAD PRESS RELEASE
(Parental Discretion Advised)

A GHOSTLY BOSOM - THE SOCKING TRUTH


Lights in Eaterville dimmed dramatically last night thousands flocked to page 123 of the Postwhore Thread to catch a glimpse of ghostly bosom. The appearance of the lace clad femine attributes was first noticed by @jose_cuervo when he was cleaning out his mother-in-laws pantry. "It was just there, right above the baked beans." Overcome by excitement he ran next door to to inform his neighbours, leaving a slippery trail of drool which caught several passerby unawares. Crowds reduced by the early afternoon relieving some of the pressure on the power grid.

In spite of receiving several complaints about dim light bulbs, Operations Manager at EaterPower, Ms SlayerFaith, is happy with the performance of the generating assets under the unexpected load. "Agi was doing his best and simply couldn't pedal any faster. But we are looking into the feasability of changing the gearing of the dynamo." The extreme fluctuation of demand has now reduced considerabky as viewers of the bosom are now taking more time to admire the lace detailing rather than rushing in and out again to tell their friends. Residents can confidently put away their candles as stability to supply has been restored.

However it is advisable to avoid the Municpal Plaza Jazz Rotunda where live lingere sizing and fitting trials were upstaged by sock activist Connie L. Gus. Taking advantage of the ghostly distraction, Connie stormed the roof at 11:25pm and announced that socks are sexier than bra's. "32A, 35B, 38FF, underwire, interchangable straps - it's all a scam. Nothing fits as snug and feels as good as size 6-8 wollen sock." Several supporters wearing nothing but socks were still parading in the Plaza at the time of this report.

When asked why he thought socks were sexier, @breadcrumb a long time supporter of Connie L. Gus replied "There is nothing in the world that feels as good as that tingly feeling you get when you pull on your snug fitting sock. Starting slowly at the tip of your toes, then gently lovingly along the curve of the instep, the delicate ***censored*** when you let it go." It was noticed that some of the male supporters wore toeless socks, revealing painted toe nails. The effect of this startling new trend on morality remains to be seen, but you can be sure of one thing - Now is a good time to check the fit of your socks.

Toeless socks can be obtained by placing the toe ends of your normal socks in Kevloink's mouth and giving him a whack between the ears.

Director of Press Relations of the Postwhore Thread

Quote:
OFFICIAL POSTWHORE THREAD PRESS RELEASE

BEWARE THE WICKED EVIL MOD'S - PLOT FOILED!


Investigators have foiled a dastardly plot by 419eater mod's to kidnap all of your women. The investigation was started after an inebriated storeman was overheard talking about receiving several after hours deliveries marked "Mod's Eyes Only". Intrepid undercover agents have confirmed that the mod's storeroom contain several dozen large lilo's and inflatable toys, an air compressor, 135 cases of Pimm's, 3 oars and a lifejacket. Exactly why there is also a rather large pair of underpants with "The potato's go here" written on the front in the storeroom has yet to be determined.

Acting on information received, a joint task force of PW govermental agencies swung into action from the treetops early yesterday afteroon apprehending one of the mod's in the act. @NN was caught shouting "COULD ALL WOMEN, CHILDREN AND MODS PLEASE MAKE THERE(sic) [No, you mean sick. Sick, sick, sick...! - Editor] WAY TO THE ESCAPE CRAFTS!!!" while bashing a hapless n00b with a large rolling pin.

Circumstantial evidence indicates that the re-population of several remote desert islands may have been the objective. It remains unclear why the mod's planned to kidnap children along with the women, but it is possible that after considering the logistical, financial, and aural problem of having several hundred women on their hands, that the addition of hundreds of bickering uncontrollable fussy children would have little impact.

Director of Press Relations of the Postwhore Thread

Quote:
OFFICIAL POSTWHORE THREAD PRESS RELEASE

PUPPET IN A G-STRING


The most recent nomination for PW President was formally presented to the ministers of the drink cabinets in the grounds of the Presidential Love Shack this morning. @lotta, representing the Knights of Neon Underwear and Tartan Satchels thrust the unsuspecting candidate, @callum of clan Laceybits, into the spotlight under the pretence of getting a clearer view of the subject.

"One moment I was just standing there, and this great light caught me up and revealed to me my true calling. It is the call of the Abraskan blue necked mallard." said @callum speaking at the post party press conference. "Loyalty is very important to me and I will do everything that that the string allows. Flexibility is my watchword as the ladies will have already noticed." @callum, is certainly well qualified to hold office for the KNUTS, being a long-time wearer of things private and lacy and with an undisputed reputation for saying what needs to be said and taking a firm stand on any matter of importance, usually in his purple gumboots.

Lobbyists are already queuing outside the refurbished electorate office in expectation of a landslide victory. "Lace is just what we need to keep the economy booming. The manufacture of tiny little holes in private garments provides employment for at least Seven of Nine" said one lobbyist.

The outlawing of metal armour suits is also firmly in the sights of KNUTS. "It's ridiculous having to grease up every time you need to go out on the rain." states the party spokesman for defence @baz. Legislation legalising the wringing out of ones wet crocheted suit of armour in the kitchen of another’s dwelling has already been drafted. The party motto, KNUTS Forever, says it all.

@callum takes up the campaign trail in earnest on Saturday, starting with a lolly scramble in the Forum of Phone Lad's.

Director of Press Relations of the Postwhore Thread

Quote:
OFFICIAL POSTWHORE THREAD PRESS RELEASE

OUR NURSE IS A WET NURSE


Absolutely dripping wet according to the latest reports from the mod's lounge where the latest in a long line of wetting incidenets took place earlier this morning. @Don, a frequent moderator member said "I was just sitting there, quietly cleaning my pipe when I noticed my feet were wet. That's when I saw it."

He was referring to the strange sight of a shivering part naked male nurse paddling an inflatable rubber ducky across to the bar. Several pattrons of the bar attempted to deflate the ducky by throwing darts, but were put off by the resulting threats of the rider.

When asked about the likely cause of the flood, the only coherent comment made by the nurse was "Get ya' smelly heathen feet outta my Pimms!" The resulting distaste test revealed that the liquid that the floodwaters were in fact Pimm's. On further investigation it was determined that @breadcrumb had knocked the outlet valve off of the mod's Pimm's 370,000L storage tank while dancing the tango with @Connie L. Guss.

A diving team has been called in to locate and pull the drainplug, thought to be somewhere south of the disco dance floor. But they will have to act quickly as @eight and @lotta are perched on top of the pool table with buckets and at the current rate of consumption the lounge may be restored to it's former desert-like state, with carpets wrung out and all, by noon.

Director of Press Relations of the Postwhore Thread - Semi-Retired

Quote:
OFFICIAL POSTWHORE THREAD PRESS RELEASE

POSTWHORISM - THE NEW LILAC


Fashion may come and go but like @persephone's underwear some things never change. There are times when lacy kilts, floral sports bra's and Hello Kitty ball gowns just don't suit the occasion. Especially when worn at the same time. This season's new PW collection from the 419eater fashion house captures the timeless essence of calm reds, sorrowful blues, artificial vanilla and morbid yellow, and spits them back out as this season’s new trendy color - PW lilac.

Released with subdued fanfare on Sunday at the Sydney Opera House, the collection will be available at most discerning pawn brokers. The PW strait-jacket is particularly fetching, with lots and lots of shiny buckles and leather straps. Modelled by @Big Worm, this item certainly caught the attention of the audience as it rolled down the catwalk at ever increasing pace and sailed right off the end, becoming airborne for several meters before scattering several chairs and tables reserved for the mod's. The risqué swimwear modelled by @Scam Patroller also raised a few eyebrows.

Impressed by the quality of the garments in the adults only range @Vanndickey says "I never knew that tassled berets could be so much fun when worn like this. Everyone should try it." The 'You no dey chop here ooooOOOOO' printed boxers and gift sets also proved popular at the after function sale.

The soothing effect of a good day spent in PW lilac has already been proven to lower blood pressure and increase the production of drool, which is beneficial for cleaning keyboards except when excessive consumption of vinegar with fish and chips has taken place in the previous 8 hours. So improve your health and be cool this season and get into PW lilac or get into the fridge. Either way you'll send shivers up and down @eight's spine.

Director of Press Relations of the Postwhore Thread - Semi-Inspired

Quote:
OFFICIAL POSTWHORE THREAD PRESS RELEASE

NURSE NASTY IS A BIG YELLOW CHICKEN


As a picture has the power to speak a thousand words, including "buk buk buKAAAAW", the official press release is thus;

Image

Photo submitted by TSnerd

Director of Press Relations of the Postwhore Thread - Semi-Retired

Quote:
OFFICIAL POSTWHORE THREAD PRESS RELEASE

THE 419EATER SANTA SELECTION – AN EXCLUSIVE BEHIND THE SCENES REPORT


Last weekend from a dark corner of the mod lounge, disturbed only by the soft snoring of leccy, an outsider was able to observe for the first time ever a mysterious annual ritual. The selection of the 419eater 'Santa Suit Sucker'. That’s right, every year one of the mod’s is selected to inhabit Santa’s grotto in the main foyer, handing out lollies and having their photo taken with young and old, light and heavy, beautiful and fugly sitting on their knee. While that may seem to be a demanding task in itself, even more demanding is the strictly enforced requirement that the Santa Suit Sucker must remain entirely polite and jolly despite any provocation, including the plucking of nasal hair, until Christmas Eve has passed in all corners of the world.

The ritual started with the incumbent mod’s slowly filing into the lounge in no apparent hurry and for the most part dressed rather casually. Except for zen, who either wasn’t dressed at all or had applied the most convincing nude body body paint ever seen. Having collected and filled their personalised shot glasses, flutes, tankards or kegs at the bar, they began gathering around the circular Pool Table of Decision. By the time the last of their number, the late Don arrived, huffing and puffing like an asthmatic dragon trying to light a forest fire in the middle of a tropical cyclone, the earlier arrivals were on their 3rd or in some cases (this may or may not have been Nurse Nasty) 19th refill of Pimms.

After kleindoofy blew the verboten trumpet to signal ’Game On’, robust debate ensued with all present strenuously defending their position on why they were not qualified to hold the position of Santa Suit Sucker. Some strange sights resulted, with friday3 being forced to stand on his head in the corner for twenty minutes while Eight poured treacle down the legs of his dungarees. The reason for this remains unclear, but he seemed to enjoy the experience. The reason for which also remains somewhat unclear.

After becoming quite well lubricated, Mr Fishe started running through his impressive repertoire of animal impersonations starting at aardvark and ending at zebra. Cherrie and DrWho almost came to blows with feather pillows when Cherrie mooted that shivermetimbers would make a wonderful Santa Suit Sucket. DrWho who up until this point had spent most of the meeting blowing raspberries, retorted that admins should “concentrate on the vacuuming and not meddle with the impressionable minds of young baiters by offering lollies that can be collected at the local Western Union outlet."

It was TSnerd however who presented the strongest case for not being this years Sucker. “How can I be sucker, I am but a humble chipped teacup for goodness sake. If my rim was intact, then sure, you could light a couple of matches in me and slap me on your forehead and I’d stick. But not with this chip off my shoulder.” After much further debate and consumption of Pimms, lotta feel asleep first and was therefore nominated, seconded and twenty-seventh’ed as the 2006 Santa Suit Sucker. A stirring medley of Livin’ On A Prayer, Snoopy’s Xmas, Imagine, Ave Maria and 99 Luftballoons led by Breddan Butter concluded the formal part selection ceremony.

All that now remains to be seen is just how the hell they are going to squeeze lotta into the size 4 leather Santa Suit, or if they will even try at all and simply resort to the red spray paint and strategically placed dish cloth as they did last year.

Selection of Santa’s Little Helpers starts on Thursday. Please queue outside Rover’s office and bring a tutu, broomstick and a bunch of grapes.

Office of the Director of Press Relations

Quote:
OFFICIAL POSTWHORE THREAD PRESS RELEASE

P.C. IS POPPY COCK - VIVA LA REVOLUTION!


All together now...

The news had come out, February four
Days until Christmas just three twenty four
The populace panicked and started to groan
Why couldn't that fat man just leave us alone?

Twas months before Christmas, that far ahead
The junk mail was printed, all coloured red
They tried to resist but all came to naught
With motives of greed the consumers were caught

(Chorus)
Christmas songs, those Christmas songs
Playing through the land
Such a lot of gibberish
More than I can stand

The shops had the suckers dead in their sights
The kids had their parents, demanding their 'rights'
Why they go through with it, we'll never know
Or is it because they're all mental and slow?

CHORUS

It's all about money and not about cheer
The bollocks and nonsense at this time of year
The plastic gets hammered against all the rules
While the bankers cry out, "Merry Christmas, you fools!"

The shopping malls offer a holiday toast
But who do you think will benefit most?
A mythical figure just here for a day
But if I ever see Santa, I'll shoot down his sleigh

CHORUS x 2

Office of the Director of Press Relations


I'm not trying to ressurect the PWT, so can I borrow someone's keys please Wink

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lotta
Baiting Guru


Joined: 08 Jun 2005
Posts: 13613
Location: 2 Speckled Cct Springfield Lakes QLD 4300


PostPosted: Thu Mar 15, 2007 5:50 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Those were brilliant Callum!


You can use my key Very Happy

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