Miss Benson Meets Ron Jeremy

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Posted: Wed Jun 23, 2004 5:07 pm

The usual mugumail arrives...

Mary Benson

Quote:

FROM MARY BENSON.

FELIX AVENUE, RUE 12,
ABIDJAN. IVORY COAST
DEAR

PERMIT ME TO INFORM YOU OF MY DESIRE OF GOING INTO
BUSINESS
RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU. I BELIEVEYOU ARE A AREPUTABLE
AND RESPONSIBLE
TRUST WORTHY PERSON I CAN DO BUSINESS WITH AND BY
MATTER OF TRUST I
MUST NOT HESITATE TO CONFIDE IN YOU FOR THIS SIMPLE
AND SINCERE
BUSINESS. I AM MISS MARY BENSON., THE ONLY CHILD OF
LATE DR AND MRS
IDRIS BENSON, MY FATHER WAS A VERY WEALTHY COCOA
MERCHANT BASED IN
ABIDJAN, THE ECONOMIC CAPITAL OF IVORY COAST BEFORE HE
WAS
POISONED TO DEATH BY HIS BUSINESS ASSOCIATES ON ONE OF
THEIR OUTING
TO DISCUSS A BUSINESS DEAL. WHEN MY MOTHER DIED ON THE
21ST OCTOBER
1984, MY FATHER TOOK ME SO SPECIAL BECAUSE I AM
MOTHERLESS. BEFORE
THE DEATH OF MY FATHER ON 24TH NOVEMBER 2000 IN A
PRIVATE HOSPITAL
HERE IN ABIDJAN. HE SECRETLY CALLED ME ON HIS BEDSIDE
AND TOLD ME THAT
HE HAS A SUM OF US$10,000,000 (TEN MILLION UNITED
STATES DOLLARS) LEFT
IN A SECURITY COMPANY HERE IN ABIDJAN,
THAT HE USED
MY NAME AS HIS ONLY CHILD AS THE NEXT OF KIN DURING
THE TIME OF
DEPOSITING OF THE FUND. HE ALSO EXPLAINED TO ME THAT
IT WAS BECAUSE
OF THIS WEALTH THAT HE WAS POISONED BY HIS BUSINESS
ASSOCIATES, AND
THAT I SHOULD SEEK FOR A FOREIGN PARTNER IN A COUNTRY
OF MY CHOICE
WHERE I WILL TRANSFER THIS MONEY AND USE IT FOR
INVESTMENT PURPOSE ,
(SUCH AS REAL ESTATE MANAGEMENT).I AM HONOURABLY
SEEKING YOUR
ASSISTANCE IN THE FOLLOWING WAYS.
1) TO HELP ME RETRIEVE OR CLAIM THE MONEY FROM THE SECURITY COMPANY
2) TO SERVE AS THE GUARDIAN OF THIS FUND.
3) TO MAKE ARRANGEMENT FOR ME TO COME OVER TO YOUR
COUNTRY TO
FURTHER MY EDUCATION AND TO SECURE A RESIDENTIAL
PERMIT FOR ME IN
YOUR COUNTRY.
MOREOVER, I AM WILLING TO OFFER YOU 15% OF THE TOTAL
SUM AS
COMPENSATION FOR YOUR EFFORT /INPUT AFTER THE
SUCCESSFUL CLAIM OF THE MONEY FROM THE SECURITY COMPANY.
FURTHERMORE, YOU
CAN INDICATE YOUR OPTION TOWARDS ASSISTING ME AS I
BELIEVE THAT THIS
TRANSACTION WOULD BE CONCLUDED WITHIN SEVEN (7) DAYS
YOU SIGNIFY
INTEREST TO ASSIST ME. ANTICIPATING HEARING FROM YOU
IMMEDIATELY.
THANKS AND GOD BLESS.
BEST REGARDS.
MISS MARY BENSON

(ooohh...a single chick. Nevermind that she keeps her caps locked; I've never had a muguette before. Better put our best man on this case:)

Quote:

Dear Miss Benson,

I think I can help you. I am an executive at an investment firm in Beverly Hills, California.

Sincerely,

Ron Jeremy
Clampett Investments, Ltd.

She still won't call me by name... Sad

Quote:

Dear,
I got your mail and thanks for your response. Iwill like you to know that the money i want you to help me claim is lodged in by my father in one of the private seecurity company here in Abidjan and will like you to help me claim the money from the security company as my father foriengn business associate. and also assist me and invest it in a very good profitable business, while i continue with my education.
Please do let me the area you know best inwhich we can invest the money, also inform me if you can be able to obtain residence permit for me in your state.
please do not act to collect everything when it finally gets to your end.
below is the contact details of the security company, please do contact them and keep me inform of your outcome of discussion. Make them to understand that you are my late father business associate and that you like the box be shift to your end, cos according to my late father, he made the firm understand that the lodgement will only be release to me when i attain the age of 25 years, but now iam just 20 years, but he also make them understand that they can also release the lodgement to me, if i find a very good investor that will help me invest the fund on a profitable business.
Below is the contact of the security company....
assistance 2000 security company
Dr George Ducan(contact person)
email:[email protected]
phone number:00225 0748 1592
fax:00225 2038 7566
Please contact them and get back to me as soon as possible.
Thanks and may God bless you.
Yours Faithfully,
Mary.

That's OK; she'll warm up to me.

Quote:

Dear Mary,

Don't worry; your money will be in good hands. I can invest the money for you in low-risk funds; there is no need to invest in the stock market. Although stocks can deliver the highest return on your investment, there is also the risk of losing...and when you already have millions of dollars, there is no need to grow as large as I have been known to grow under the right cir cum stances.

I can guarantee you a 100% risk-free investment that will pay for your education and make us -- I mean, YOU -- rich and happy. I will contact Mr. Ducan immediately.

Sincerely,

Ron Jeremy

And now to be a good boy and write the security company. Chicks love it when you make an effort...

Quote:

Dear Mr. Ducan,

I am writing to you as the representative of Miss Mary Benson, whose father died and left her $10 million in cash. Because she cannot claim this money until she is 25 years of age and she is currently an innocent, nubile young thing of 20, I am stepping in to establish dominance and invest the wad deeply for her so that she may be properly educated. I have promised Miss Benson a 100% risk-free relationship which I am certain will become magnificently engorged by the time she is able to take it all in.

Please advise me as to all modalities, etc., blah blah blah.

Gratuitously,

Mr. Ron Jeremy
Clampett Investments

Master Baiter Joined: 11 Mar 2004 Posts: 207

Hmmm, perhaps she needs to see a photo of Mr. Jeremy? Or better yet, get her to send a photo and then photoshop her into a picture of Mr. Jeremy running train on a black girl.

Master of Master Baiters Joined: 01 Apr 2004 Posts: 751

Teddy - I baited the wonderful Mary Benson. She's pretty easy - hit her up for a photo!
http://img78.photobucket.com/albums/v299/AnaLucyFelcher/Ana_L.jpg

Posted: Wed Jun 23, 2004 8:10 pm

Easy, huh?

Did she write dirty things to you? Fall in love? Twisted Evil

Man, she ain't that cute. Shiver's Princess Agwa (who also went by some other name, I think) was hot.

Master of Master Baiters Joined: 01 Apr 2004 Posts: 751

Well, let me put it this way: she'll felch for loose change!

Posted: Wed Jun 23, 2004 9:47 pm

(sigh)...oh well, I've been around the block a few times myself.

Master Baiter Joined: 11 Mar 2004 Posts: 207

That photo is kinda small. If ya can't photoshop her head into a Ron Jeremy scene, then maybe just send her the photo shoot saying, "Hey baby, this is what we're gonna do when we meet."

Posted: Thu Jun 24, 2004 12:26 pm

Quote:

Dear Mr. Ducan,

I am writing to you as the representative of Miss Mary Benson, whose father died and left her $10 million in cash. Because she cannot claim this money until she is 25 years of age and she is currently an innocent, nubile young thing of 20, I am stepping in to establish dominance and invest the wad deeply for her so that she may be properly educated. I have promised Miss Benson a 100% risk-free relationship which I am certain will become magnificently engorged by the time she is able to take it all in.

Please advise me as to all modalities, etc., blah blah blah.

Gratuitously,

Mr. Ron Jeremy
Clampett Investments

Damn it!

Beer all over my monitor again! Damn it!

Posted: Fri Jun 25, 2004 4:42 pm

Well, it seems Mr. Jeremy has made a mistake...Mary is not happy.

Quote:

Dear
Thanks for your last mail.Why did you let the security company know it is money in the boxes? They called me yesterday and asked me but i was able to defend it.Thank God they have no right to open it otherwise they would know the truth.
Please, for your information, my father deposited the consignment as just family valuables of photographic materials and classified documents. (Right. Pictures and shit worth $10 mil.) He deposited it under the special diplomatic deposit system(a deposit category in which the security company does not open to inspect the consignment) He was wise to have done it that way because if they knew, maybe by now someone there may have planned on how to take over it.
What i want you to do is make arrangement and come down here for us to claim the consignment.I presented you as a long time family friend and business partner to my family and the new beneficiary to the consignment.After the claim process, the boxes containing the money will be taken to a bank here and be remitted into your bank account.The other way round, they can use their special diplomatic delivery service to deliver the boxes right to your doorstep after the claim process.
Please, remember never mention it is money to them anymore, the boxes containing the money are intact and will be delivered to us just like it was deposited.
I want to express the need for confidentiality because in the issue of money, not even your closest friend or relation can be trusted.
I have appointed a lawyer who will handle all negotiations and conclude this transaction for you and i.The lawyer will prepare an agreement to be signed by you and i, the agreement will reflect the percentages due to each party.He is in the person of Barrister George Williams, email address is [email protected] and phone number 225-07 38 60 33.Kindly get in touch with him immediately.
I want you to remain honest to me, this treasure is the only thing i have left in this world,immediaztely after the death of my father, my uncle took over everything he stopped paying my school fees, i was in my second year in the university studying physics.From my uncle's behaviour, i have a feeling he had a hand in the death of my father but i leave vengeance to God.When my father was alife, they were always having problems, my father gave him money many times to start a business but he spent it on drinks and women which he still does till today. (No shit? If your old man was anything like you to deal with, I'd be a fucking drunk, too.) But i leave vengeance to God.
In order not to fall into the trap that killed my father, i am presently staying with an old widowed woman i know in the church.The old woman has no telephone so if you want to speak with me, call the lawyer and give him appointment on when you will call back so that i will come and pick your call in his office. (Yeah, I'll get right on it, Skippy.)
I attach along with this mail, a photograph of the inside of the boxes containing the money, showing the dollar bills which my father took for personal record purposes before he deposited the consignment. (I think I've seen those trunks somewhere before...)
God bless you. (Yeah, you too, bitch.)

Sheesh...what a beeyotch. She never said this was some big secret...

Quote:

Mary,

I am shocked at the way you are writing to me. For starters, you do not even address me by name! Your letter begins with "Dear" followed by nothing, as if it were a form letter and you did not even bother to fill in the blanks. You are asking for my assistance in this matter, yet you will not even pay me the courtesy of using my name. I am beginning to think you are simply using me.

Secondly, you never told me not to reveal the nature of your inheritance. AT NO TIME did you tell me it was to be kept secret. In fact, in cases of inheritance when a "trust" is left to someone and cannot be accessed by the heir until a certain age, that trust is almost always, 95% of the time, in cash. And now you are bitching me out for making a simple mistake when you never bothered to fill me in on any details in the first place.

As for contacting your lawyer, I will think about it. Right now I am very upset, and I will not do anything until I have received an apology from you.

Sincerely,

Ron

And since they obviously needed to piss me off further, the mugus sent me THIS email right after the first:

Quote:

ATTN MRS RON JEREMY

(What???)
I hereby acknowledge receipt of your email.
Yes, Miss Mary Benson is the hier to the consignment deposited with us by her late father.But i was confused when you mentioned ten million dollars because the father did not tell us the boxes contain money.He declared them as containing family valuables of classified documents and photographic materials, under the special diplomatic deposit category.The boxes are intact and will only be opened by Miss Mary or you the chosen beneficiary.I had to call her to my office yesterday to clarify this point and she explained to me that you made a mistake, that you were actually talking about the worth of the documents and the photographic materials because the classified documents are for a contract worth millions of dollars.So, it is clear to me now what you meant.
Be informed that there is an outstanding safe keeping fee to be paid to us before the release of the consignment to you.I will calculate this and get you informed later.It is also important you inform me whether you are coming personally or you want the boxes delivered to you in your country after the outstanding safe keeping fees has been paid to us.
Kindly forward to me, your full names, address ,phone and fax number.This is for record purpose and any form of identification like a passport or driver's license.
I will keep in touch with you in due course.
Mr George Ducan
Director, Assistance 2000 security

Now THAT deserves a slap...a backhanded slap!

Quote:

George,

"MRS" Ron Jeremy?????

I'll have you know that I am a man -- a REAL man -- and probably have a bigger penis than you. I am highly offended that you would send such a careless message and not even consider the person you are writing to. Have you ever heard of a woman named RON? I specifically signed my letter "MR" Ron Jeremy, and I expect you to respect my manhood. For your information, I am single, hot, and in demand. I lay more pipe in one week than the Nigerian Oil Company lays in a year, and if it weren't for the fact that that bitch Mary still won't call me by name, I would fly over to the Ivory Coast right now, give her a pearl necklace and have my way with her.

By the way, is she pretty?

I will deal with you properly once I have received a heartfelt apology.

Ron

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