Is S.O. getting cold feet ...???

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Posted: Sun Aug 05, 2007 7:06 am

Hi Margory,
We both joined about the same time and I've followed your postings from the first PM you sent me. I thought you were a little older based upon how you express yourself. I had no idea that you were in the prime of your life; no clue how fresh and exciting your experiences must be.

Your SO will come around one day. It will not be 60 days as his parents think. It may be closer to 60 months. Don't waste those precious 5 years of your life.

As it's best expressed on the web - DTMFA! Want closure? Mfff. It's overrated. Like the friend? Pfffff. Don't do that to him. He want's to end it? Show concern and give him the talk about remaining friends with a straight face. The dumper is not the winner. There are no winners or losers in ending relationships not bound by legalities. Even if he tells you that he's chatting with a Russian on the internet and wants to bring him over here, its all good. Want someone you can talk to 24/7? PM me again and I give you my cell number, but you would be wasting your precious time with me too. What ever you do just DTMFA.

You go girl. Remember, you rock.

Posted: Sun Aug 05, 2007 7:33 am

How old is this guy? Has he ever worked, and if so doing what?
I'm going to be very blunt and I apologise now if this causes offence (but you did ask!). This guy is a user and a loser. He prefers to live with and off his parents who are no doubt fully enabling his 'demotivated' ass. You can do better and you certainly deserve better than this and you know it. Any adult (and I assume he is an adult) who appears to be unwilling to even TRY to get a job, any job, doesn't deserve your respect or your patience. If he's coming over badly at interviews then he's obviously not preparing himself adequately, or he isn't as qualified as he thinks he is, or he doesn't really want the job at all. Hey, why work when you can stay home and live off your parents? It seems to be very common these days.

You don't need baggage like this. Move forward with your life and if he wants to join you on that path then he has to prove he's willing to do whatever it takes, including getting paid employment - flipping burgers if necessary - to get him on his feet.

Posted: Sun Aug 05, 2007 8:25 am

Margory, sounds as if you already know the solution to this conundrum. Solve it now rather than later.

Some friends of mine are in exactly the same situation as you, but they are in their late 40's. They are both unhappy,
seem locked into some codependent journey to their own private hell and it's depressing witnessing it.
He's on his way down and dragging her over the abyss with him, so he has someone to keep him company on the way to the bottom.
They've been locked into this destructive downward spiral for some years. It's just sad. Sad

Posted: Sun Aug 05, 2007 8:37 am

Gnasher wrote:

How old is this guy? Has he ever worked, ...

Let�s just put it this way ... he�s in the prime of his life, and he did work but he got fired due to company cut backs.
And he hasn�t worked since.

I know how he feels, since I was unemployed for several years myself.
But I (on the other hand) got support from a job coach and a very nice and understanding boss Wink

who was willing to give me a chance.
Result: office job that I really like.
And when I hear all the compliments I get from business partners Embarassed

... I wish I had found this job a few years ago ...

So the advice of 'dumping him' or at least take a 60 day break is a very good advice. I think I'll just suggest taking a break for a while and then talk to him in person about this entire situation. The fact that he sent me an e-mail to tell me that he wants time for himself kind of pisses me off (after having some time to think about it). And I don't really want to be treated like that. He could have told me in person or in a telephone call, but he was too stubborn / lazy / scared / whatever to do that ....

Oh well ... I'll get over it ... some day and in the meantime I'll focus on my work and education (planning on starting a new work related education in a month).

Posted: Sun Aug 05, 2007 8:58 am

His life is in a lose-lose cycle of: has no job => feels demotivated and lacks energy => doesn't find job opportunities => gets more demotivated => => etc etc.

He (or those helping him) have to find a way to break into this cycle. It has to be done from the action side, not the behavioural side. Somebody needs to find something for this guy to do which gives him some meaning. Only this way can you change the cycle to the win-win version: Doing meaningful work => feels motivated => job opportunities appear => gets more meaningful work etc etc.

Some kind of charity or volunteer work is a possibility, but he still has to get over the initial unmotivated "Nah, I don't feel like it" syndrome.

Posted: Sun Aug 05, 2007 9:32 am

If the SO is still just a kid then I think user and looser is a bit harsh. I didn�t get off my ass and get a real job until I was 19. Of course I spent the last half of my 18 years training for the job. I also didn�t move out of my grandmother's house until I was 20. I don�t think that made me a looser. I mean I worked and paid my own way except she wouldn�t let me give her money for rent. That was an insult to her.

Especially, considering I married at 22 and bought my own home at 23 then had two kids (Well first dogs then kids a few years later). More importantly, I have never had to ask any family member for money. The job I had paid very well.

It sounds like this person needs a swift kick in the ass. This was said to me before and made me understand some things. Try it:

If you keep going like your going, you�re going to have what you have.

Let him think about that for a few days. If he decides its okay with him, then you are better of without him. There is nothing I wouldn�t do or cease from doing if it benefited my family.

[Edit] has his DL but still rides a bike. Sounds to me that he just doesn�t want to grow up and be a man. Is this the kind of person you want setting examples for the kids you might eventually have? Also, do you want to live at his parent�s house forever? It sounds like they would allow that. Don�t you think you deserve better? Someone who will help you buy a home of your own together? This is how you start a normal adult life together. The thing that gets to me is that he could do all this for you if he would merely get off his duff and apply himself but he refuses to. He really is doing you a disservice by holding you down. Tell him to get over being fired and move on. He will feel much better when he gets a job. If he refuses to then they is nothing else you can do. You can walk away knowing you did what was best for him. There is only so much one can do especially when encounters an immovable object.

Posted: Sun Aug 05, 2007 11:54 am

Ghost wrote:

If the SO is still just a kid then I think user and looser is a bit harsh. I didn�t get off my ass and get a real job until I was 19. Of course I spent the last half of my 18 years training for the job. I also didn�t move out of my grandmother's house until I was 20. I don�t think that made me a looser. I mean I worked and paid my own way except she wouldn�t let me give her money for rent. That was an insult to her.
.

Well I did warn I was going to be harsh. And apparently he's not a kid; he's in the 'prime of his life' which I assume means he's a fully mature adult. The text I have put in bold is self-explanatory Very Happy

Baiting Guru Joined: 04 Jan 2006 Posts: 3193

I lived with my parents until I was 40, but I worked, and I paid them 1/4 of my income. Then I met my fiancee and moved to live with her. Fortunately my company could allow me to make that move, otherwise I'd have been looking for another job.

If you and your best friend can handle it, ask him what he honestly thinks of your SO, but be sure that your relationship can stand it; at this point it is more important than your relationship to your SO.

It is a truism that woman expect men to change and they don't, while men expect women to stay the same and they don't. Do not continue expecting that change; it may never happen. Maybe he is depressed, and maybe he needs help, but before he can get it he needs to admit that he needs it. You can not help someone that does not want to be helped or is unwilling to work towards a solution. Until he is willing to make that effort, everything you do will meet with failure. Maybe your role is to be that help, or maybe it is to be the catalyst that makes him wake up.

Pink Floyd wrote:

All alone, or in twos,
The ones who really know you,
Walk up and down outside the wall.
Some hand in hand,
Some gather together in bands,
The bleeding hearts and artists,
Make their stand.
And when they've given you their all,
Some stagger and fall.
After all its not easy,
Banging your heart against some mad bugger's wall.

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