Is S.O. getting cold feet ...???

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Posted: Fri Aug 03, 2007 4:53 pm

Just today I got this e-mail from my boyfriend (significant other ...). He needed some time to himself to think everything over.

Here's the deal:

He doesn't have a job, and he's searching but everytime the companies turn him down ... (IT branch work, university level). He's been unemployed for a few years now, so possible employers take that in account as well.

I tried to motivate him to find a job. Went with him to a large job fair (I got 2 or 3 active job offers from that ... despite the fact that I live in another part of the country). And he was too stubborn to call this one internet company to ask for a personal meeting at their office. They had a few possibilities, and they said they'd call him, but didnt. I guess his resume got on a large pile ... or something ...

Besides that he does have his drivers license but he hasn't driven a car since he got his license. So he has to do everything by bike. And his attitude is very simple: I'll take some driving lessons if and when I get a job. Whilst my family and I tell him to take driving lessons now, and start driving his fathers car to get experience.

A few months ago, we went to my mothers birthday and he was (again) confronted with family members who asked him why he didn't have a job yet. And I keep telling him that I really want him to get a job, since I think he's capable of so much more than just sitting at home and helping out his mom and dad.

And then there's me:
I just got a contract with a small company, which I am forced to take, otherwise I will not get any more social benefits (for refusing to work in a normal an apropriate job). To be honestly true I really like working at this company so I don't even want to take the risk of moving over to my S.O.'s home town to move in with him and his parents.

So I'm kind of scared here that he's going to tell me that the relationship is over. Not that I want it to be over, since he didn't tell me anything during the previous weekends.

Posted: Fri Aug 03, 2007 5:53 pm

Seems as if he doesn't want anything. Confused

Posted: Fri Aug 03, 2007 6:04 pm

I've heard that people who can't get a job for that long aren't considered in the numbers when they list the unemployed. The reason is they are apathetic to finding a new one and lack attempt to find one. Could he be clinically depressed from this? Has he seen a Dr.? I'm not one to push the medical aspects of things, but he could be suffering from it.

About the last part of your OP, are you saying you don't want the job because it's close to him and will end up possibly moving in with him? Sorry if I'm too dense to read it right. Wink

Posted: Fri Aug 03, 2007 6:47 pm

I once was unemployed for a few months, and once the novelty factor of getting up whenever you like wears off it really does get to you. If I had to guess I'd say he needs somebody to to help him get off his ass. I wouldn't suggest nagging him a lot tho, it may have the opposite effect.
A small project might help - something that's small enough for him to have a go at it, but still with the potential for a certain sense of achievement. The prospect of something mid- or long-term may be better than a one-time thing. Now good luck finding something suitable... I'd check if some local club needs a homepage or something. Other than that, I have no idea.
Besides that, he probably hates talking about job-related topics. It couldn't hurt if he were reminded about job-unrelated things that he's great at or that make him lovable. Think "positive vibes."

Disclaimer: The above information about a person I've never met is based on the very scientific and proven "wild-ass guess" method. Your results may vary. Smile

** SUSPENDED ** Joined: 26 Mar 2005 Posts: 1267

Are there Temp Agencies around? That's where I went when I was unemployed for three months, and I got a job pretty fast.

Posted: Fri Aug 03, 2007 8:59 pm

try monster for jobs or there is job paper called jobs northwest(called this cause i live up north) but might get it all over the country.
its out today in smiths ,tesco's etc.
real good paper for jobs.

i think there is gojobsite.com but not sure.

good luck

Posted: Fri Aug 03, 2007 9:11 pm

margory wrote:

... his attitude is very simple: I'll take some driving lessons if and when I get a job. ...

Nope. Very bad attitude. That has very little to do with motivation. Sorry, but that's a cheap excuse.

margory wrote:

... IT branch work, university level ...

IT work + unemployment = free lancing. Or what am I missing?

I was faced with a similar situation 20 years ago. IT related. I started out with free lancing, which led to starting a company, etc., etc.

At the moment I have to beat the customers away with a stick.

Tell S.O. to get his ass in gear.

He doesn't have to start his own company, but there's lots of free lance work out there for IT people who are worth their salt. It also provides references for applying for a position with a company. Not to mention the money, the experience, ...

Nobody wants to hire someone who's not motivated. Except perhaps the government.

Posted: Fri Aug 03, 2007 9:15 pm

Monster
Jobserve
CWJobs
Totaljobs
Local papers
Guardian on Thursdays

There is always something out there.

Think of yourself first!

Posted: Sat Aug 04, 2007 2:08 am

[Dear Abby mode on]
margory, please take this in the spirit intended (being helpful, reflective and kind).

The facts I read are that he:
1. Has not worked for several years.
2. Lives with Mom and Dad.
3. Does not drive.

You:
1. Are responsible
2. Have a job
3. Get back and forth to work on your own
4. You are trying to find work for him.
5. You are thinking about moving in with him (on some level).

Guess what role you will play in his life.*
[/Dear Abby mode]

*Mom or parental unit. Shocked

Posted: Sat Aug 04, 2007 2:18 am

Seems to me that there are more fish in the sea. Neutral

Posted: Sat Aug 04, 2007 2:42 am

@ Oxy - Correct, unemployment figures (in most western countries) only include people who are actively seeking employment in the workforce, not people who are apathetic.

However, it seems like he wants a job... just not that badly.

Who pays for all his stuff?

Posted: Sat Aug 04, 2007 3:55 am

ParaNoid has an excellent point. What if he pulls this same stuff when you are married? Do you want to support him while he 'looks' for another job? I say at some point, pride has to kick in and you at least work retail (example) until you can find something in your field again. If he's not depressed, he's lazy because he can fall back on his mom and dad to take care of him. I'm sure you want to be his S.O. not M.O.M.

Ultimately it's your choice, but to be honest, if you are posting here, I'd assume you have doubts of your own.

Posted: Sat Aug 04, 2007 6:26 am

As a lifelong slacker myself, I strongly suspect that this fellow might be more suited to a Lagos internet caf�. Although I left home at 17 and never moved back in, your SO's other traits are very familiar to me. I'll do stuff when I want to, where I want to, with whom I want to. Slacker life is ultimately about simplification and driven by I, me, mine. Do what all my women have done...dump him!

Posted: Sat Aug 04, 2007 7:35 am

Maggie, two bits from me.

Some people (and mind you, I never met your fellow, so I may be completely wrong here) get so demotivated from being turned down over and over again, they simply cannot force themselves to try very hard. It is easier to say ' well, I was not very determined to get the job, that is why I did not get it', than saying ' I tried my very best, but that was not good enough'. Could be a self-esteem issue.

And the other bit: you cannot change his attitude. It seems to me that you are very supportive and try to give useful advice and go to fairs with him. The rest is really up to him. You cannot get him the perfect job and just land it in his lap like that and make his life perfect on any level. He will need to do all of that himself. The only person you can change here is you. And if you feel he is pressuring you to move away from the job you like, or when you feel that he is taking up heaps of energy and is leeching on you, the choice is yours. You can either choose to see it through and hope he will find his motivation, or you can say that you are done.

We are all a bunch of strangers, we never met you, so we don't really know you. We never met him, and therefore can not assess the person he is. All advice here, although in the best supportive spirit, may not be the advice that is appropriate. You can only rely on yourself and make the choice that is good for you. And I wish you the best of luck with it!

Posted: Sat Aug 04, 2007 1:20 pm

As with all the other posts, I don't know you or him. I suspect the OP was you looking for the answer you knew all along. I may be a million miles off with that take on it though.

My advice is actually quite simple. Take some time alone, no TV, no computer, no nothing, and just figure out what YOU really want. Once you figure that out, go with it.

If you determine that you are better off without him, tell him. It may seem like the most difficult thing you have ever done, but in reality, it will be quite easy. If you decide to stay with him, be prepared to be his "enabler". You never mentioned you age. That may also play a large part in it.

Whatever you decide, good luck!

Posted: Sat Aug 04, 2007 2:20 pm

The last two posts introduce at last some compassion with both sides involved...I�m glad to read them.
The arse-kick attitude serves more to satisfy the already advanced people in life, it hardly is a help for any depressed person because normally he should be arse-kicking himself all the time Confused

or am i wrong?
Apart from that I personally agree with kd.
One has to want this though...

Posted: Sat Aug 04, 2007 4:12 pm

Thanks all for posting your replies.

On one hand I want to help him get a job. I know it's not because he's lazy or anything ... he's just demotivated to get a job (or start free lance work for that matter).

On the other hand, I'm at my parent's place today and they also told me to take some time for myself to figure out what I want with this relationship.

My best friend already told me that I could call him any time whether it was day or night ... and he'd be there for me (at least on the phone). Smile

I guess the best advice for me would be to figure out what I really want and let my S.O. figure out for himself what he wants to do. I know he loves me ... he just does not know how to deal with the fact that I do have a job and he doesn't. And there is no way I'm moving to his part of the country just for fun.

Posted: Sat Aug 04, 2007 4:20 pm

margory wrote:

I know it's not because he's lazy or anything ... he's just demotivated to get a job

Excellent phrase! Sums up the whole "dilemma" in just a few words. I'm really sorry to hear he's demotivated and I hope he gets better soon. Else he should just get up his demotivated ass and try to be a useful member of society.

Posted: Sat Aug 04, 2007 6:45 pm

Go with the best friend, HE sounds like a keeper Smile

Posted: Sat Aug 04, 2007 6:59 pm

It's true that being out of work can be demoralizing but life does go on. If you just sit there and do nothing about it then people will soon loose patience. It sounds as if there is a lot of stuff he could be doing but just isn't bothering with, freelancing etc. Could it be that he's grown rather fond of bumming around all day and has decided that hard work is not for him? Certainly sounds to be the case. If he goes on this way and you stick with him then he'll start to drag you down as well if you're not careful. Whereas, as Race says, you've got a male friend who's offering emotional support and help anytime you need it, something your bf is obviously not. Bears thinking about although obviously not worth spoiling a friendship over.

Baiting Guru Joined: 03 May 2007 Posts: 18313

I once dated a guy who was similar in his "luck". Rolling Eyes

Jobs just didn't pan out. I thought money didn't really matter. . . as much as love. And, really it doesn't, unless you're dating an unmotivated guy (read: lazy loser) who is content to go no where with his life. Your decision to examine what you really want is the right one. There is no guarantee that he will ever change. How will that work in the future? Will you ever be able to be a family, with a home and children?

Wannabe Baiter Joined: 20 Jul 2007 Posts: 93 Location: USA

Race wrote:

Go with the best friend, HE sounds like a keeper Smile

Yes I'm thinking about the best friend. Does the best friend have a job? Will the best friend tell you if your haircut is terrible? What does best friend think about S.O.?

Sometimes, de-motivated people have to have a large "stimulus" to get going. Your refusal to move in with his parents (shudder!!!) and stay with the job you love is probably the biggest stick you can poke him with. Except, of course, actually leaving e.g. "Let's take a break for about 60 days or so and then meet and talk." Best of luck. Remember, Love is Never Enough to Make A Marriage.

Posted: Sun Aug 05, 2007 1:16 am

I say cut him loose. The reason I say this is because I didn�t get my first real job until shortly after my 19th birthday. This was only a foot in the door job as I didn�t start my career until I was 21.

From the age of 16 to 18 I did nothing except for the occasion side job my grandfather would get me. But this was because my parents (grandmother mainly) over indulged me. The just gave me money and a car. The only people to get on me about getting a job was my girlfriend and her mother. Every time I was asked I was like �why now there is plenty of time for that later�.

After I turned 18 my GF dumped me but I figured she be back. I was wrong and she hooked up with someone a few years older. Someone with a job, a real job. Then I realized it wasn�t about the money I had now but about the foundation for the future. (So that�s what the hell my dad was talking about Laughing

)

I had already decided what I wanted to do in life but I couldn�t start training until after I was 18. Then I realized I had been 18 for months and hadn�t done anything to start. So with the motivation of winning my high school sweetheart�s heart back I became motivated to get a real job.

After getting the foot in the door job I found that I really enjoyed the work. Then working up the ranks had nothing to do with my ex. The rest is history and if dumping me is what motivated me then I owe her a lot. (Even though she was a bitch to dump me Laughing

)

It also sounds like your best friend wants to be more then just friends. Just a thought, coming from someone who has worked that angle before.

Posted: Sun Aug 05, 2007 1:58 am

I'd say a total (at least 60 day) break would put him back in line or drive him away. Think of it like this, if he really loves you he'll realize that he needs to man up and start working in the same town. However, if things go the opposite way my condolences... but consider it as being saved from a heart ache that will last a lot longer than a short break up.

Good luck.

Baiting Guru Joined: 04 Dec 2005 Posts: 3551

Margory, love is a fraudulent justifier. Do you deserve to spend your life with someone who drags you down financially because you love him?

Real happiness comes from partnering with someone who shares core values, work ethics, and mutual respect. It's great to build on joint success, and to have a reasonable expectation for a comfortable future. If you don't want that for yourself, I urge you to do more soul-searching, and perhaps get some counseling.

Others have commented that your bf might be depressed, and if so, he should get help sooner rather than later. If he refuses, let yourself off the hook.

All the best to you.

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