[CONTEST] A day in the life of Chucky S. - WINNER!

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Not quite a Newb Joined: 14 Jul 2005 Posts: 41

Quote:

ENDS TODAY AT 21:00 (Eater Time).

That's not really helpful, JM. Wink

Posted: Sun Jul 08, 2007 7:41 am

<br>JMR

Put us out of our misery.

Posted: Sun Jul 08, 2007 5:12 pm

And? When does Charles Soludo change his socks? Smile

Any paparrazzi pics?

Baiting Guru Joined: 03 May 2007 Posts: 18313

This contest was obviously not 100% Risky Free. Where is JMRazor? Did someone send him on a safari?? Shocked

Posted: Mon Jul 09, 2007 5:05 am

He's probably knee deep in submissions. Surprised

I did get a nice hand written note about my submission... Shocked

Okay it was just an email, but it was nice

Posted: Mon Jul 09, 2007 9:49 am

I feel sooooo baited..... Shocked

Posted: Mon Jul 09, 2007 2:59 pm

Phew! Thanks for pointing that out for me, BC.

I was about to send him a 20 foot banner with Soludo's face on it.

Baiting Guru Joined: 03 Mar 2006 Posts: 7103 Location: Yes

Calvary Greetings!! This post will probably come as a surprise to you all ... given how late it is. Hey, I never said when I'd post the winning entry now did I? And if I did -- my contest, my rules.

I've counted the bribes and the decision is in. First of all, thanks to all participants, I had a good laugh at them all (you know, in a good way). Second, each one had something to recommend it being the winner and I enjoyed the descriptions of what Chucky must go through on a daily basis. But the winning entry, to me, had a certain mixture of humor together with not a small degree of poignancy, that made it stand out.

After there has been some time to reflect upon the winning entry below, I will post the other 5 or 6 entries so you can all bicker over my decision -- two notes: (1) as the author said himself, English is not his first language, so excuse any grammatical/idiomatic issues; and (2) while it was the longest, size did not matter in this contest:

CONGRATULATIONS TO DURALEX!!

Quote:

4:19 a.m. The alarm clock sounds. Charles Soludo opens his eyes...

It was not a day like the other days. The other days would have seen him walking around the city of Lagos till noon, drinking tea with friends, and generally enlightening his direct enviroment with his prescence. At noon he would enjoy lunch with numerous colleagues. His friends would change over the day. Hardened criminals, lowly junks, high school students, everything would pass by at the internet cafe at 419 Hancourt Street. At seven he would leave for dinner, at eleven in the evening he would head home and kiss his wife goodnight.

Charles walked the streets of Lagos like he had done so mnany times before. The Pyramids casted their long, triangular shadows over the streets. TWAT was the second religion in Lagos, after christianity. The last years had seen a huge increase in its numbers. Charles had a short brush with TWAT as well, but decided it was not worth the effort after a fruitless trip to Abuja. He passed a construction site where a new pyramid was built. Would there ever be enough Pyramids in Lagos, Charles wondered. What religion could possibly demand only more temples been built while there would be nobody inside, to worship no one? The Pyramids were lifeless, especially the Trias Twatti, the Great Pyramids in the centre of town. At night, they shoot eerie beems of intense light out towards the sky, causing frequent power outages and draining the internet cafe's of power.

�Religion and scamming do have one thing in common�, Charles stated out loud, to himself. �Nobody but one knows the correct answer, and he can string along you for as long as he wants�.

Heading over to the newest newspaper kiosk, Charles grabbed himself a copy of the New Sign Standard, the new newspaper in town. It seemed to be aiming at causing as much misinformation and confusion between it�s readers while yet being as sensational as possible. The headlines screamed of numerous kidnappings of Opus Dai members, while Opus Dai would retalliate by demolishing smaller Pyramids and planting their starred flag in the rubble. Opus Day were a scary lot. Occasionally you could see them parade along the beach, on brown horses, in full ornate armor. Was this what was left of chivalry? A group of people parading around, awaiting their transfer to Rome? Charles never heard of Dai members actually being invited to study in Rome. The selection criteria were appearantly very strickt. Another headline stated that due to the increase in printed forms, there was a shortage in printer-paper in Lagos. A plan was proposed in which every citizen would get state-issued vouchers for paper. Steinhacker Philantrophy commenced building an orphanage in eastern lagos, while the Chemical Orphanage was almost completed. A sudden influx of defect washing machines filled with cinderblocks puzzled repair mechanics and garbage disposers alike. In a sudden fit of disgust, Charles chucked the paper away and quickened his pace.

What was becoming of his country? His country? This realization made him uneasy. What would his grandmother think if she saw the dystopian nightmare that was Lagos in 2017? The economy was entirely defunct, food production had almost halted and famine was looming. Yet all resources were wasted to outrageous and stupid things. Look left, and see another cult build an expensive temple. Look right, and see a group of people mocking a woman and a man slapping eachother with fish, pointing and laughing. Was the nation slipping into a bad dream, from which it had to awake? Or was it him, who was slipping in a bad dream, and needing remedy?

By now, the morning was breaking and the waiting lines at the Western Union offices were starting to form. No matter what Western Union office you would go to, their would always be an hour or more of waiting, usually outside in the rain. There was a seperate desk for MCTN�s not received via email, which was always very quiet.

Wherever you were in Lagos, you could always see poeple holding signs. This was the ugly part of the job. For nearly every buisiness deal a sign was asked. Rain or shine, storm or hurricane, or in the burning summer heat of Lagos thousands of citizens would pose in the streets with various signs for photo�s to be taken. Charles smiled politely, the signholders always smiled back. They always smiled. After the picture was taken, the signholders threw their signs on the street, forming a sludge of cardboard an ink in the gutters.

Charles hurried to the nearest Caf�, where a TV was. The caf�s quickly filled theirselves with people, the broadcast always started at 11:00 AM and not a minute later. �Wondrous� Charles thought, �how even the uneducated and underdeveloped are capable of great feats of memory and knowledge when it comes to lotteries�, At 11:00 Am the Euromillions lottery would broadcast the lucky MCTN that would have won a certain amount of money. This short show, presented by a always unrecognizable man named Shiver Metimbers, was one of the constant factors during the day. The MCTN 4190EE2345 won, it was a fake one again. The crowd slowly left the caf�, arguing about their numbers, the odds they would win next time, etcetera.

Charles didn�t leave the caf�, but paid up front for a computer. There was an Inner Circle of Oga�s, running internet caf�s and generally operating business, and an Outer Circle of petty Emailers, like himself. They all had different places at the caf�s. Chales seat was at the window. It was a bad place to be. During a EFCC raid, the attackers could read from the monitor through the window, and the emergency exit was across a couple of other seats. Charles didn�t fear the EFCC more than anyone else. The EFCC was the resistance to some, and the terrorists to others. Their ideals, a scam-free Nigeria, were in itself applaudable but not realistic. Their violent raids were directed at internet cafe�s were �business� was taking place. The EFCC were the only ones that still called business �scam�. The EFCC was feared, but the odds of getting caught were very small.

While cleaning out his Yahoo boxes his neighbouring colleague asked his attention. It was Mozes Uzeme. Mozes Useme was a better businessman than he was, and he would regularly ask him for advice. Mozes had a website, he had not. Mozes did Charities, he did NOK�s. Charles looked up at mozes.

�MY GUY U GOT GUDE MAGA?�, Mozes asked. �MY GUY I GOT UNA MAGA MIKE HUNT HE SENT 15 DOLLA IN WUXFER NOW�. �IHAVE DI MAGA DONATE DI ASTON MARTIN TO ME CHARITY OOOOOOOOO�, Mozes replied, with a twinkle in his eye.

Charles wondered why everyone was talking in capitals.

�GUY U SEND ME DI MAGA NOW OR I GO CHOP U DOLLA OOOOOO�, Mozes did this often, it was his way muscling into Charles racket. Across the room was a tiny bloke with glasses named Cross, he hailed himself as the inventor of the himtan scam, taunting him with an evil grin. Charles snickered at him. The guy never received money. He did receive a lot of business offers, though.

Charles reluctantly sent his maga to Barrister Mozes. This wasn�t shaping up to be a good day for him, he already had a bank site closed earlier this week.

Work is an ordeal. Sitting at a computer for hours, eating junkfood is not a sustainable lifestyle. Well, it is, but it shouldn�t be. At 8 PM Charles eyes began to hurt. The ivory screen in front of him fired lies into his mind, and he volleyed him straight back. Charles lapsed into a state between dream and reality.

It occurred to him what was happening. Finally, the big puzzle, the big uncertainty lingering in his mind, was solved! His whole life was a lie. It all consisted of lies. Everyone lied to him, and he lied to everyone. He was fed lies, and he produced lies. No one could be trusted, no one could comprehend this idea. The notion that all you do, create, destroy are lies! He was alone. He knew the truth. Nothing was real. Lies. Everything. All the time. His whole life.

Charles twigged. Mike Hunt wouldn�t receive email from Charles anymore.

Should you be visiting Steinhackers Lunatic Asylum, on the eastern border of Lagos, anytime near soon, please be on the lookout for an inmate that calls himself �Charles Soludo�. He is a friendly and intelligent soul, his wife visits him every day. He has fits, and uncontrollable moments, but he is a genuine and intelligent individual. His behavior may be explained by his paradoxal belief, or disbelief, in reality. Be advised not to speak with him about business, or his past life, though.

We never educate the Mugu.

Duralex -- if you intend to accept the one year's Premium Membership prize, please PM me and I will inform Shiver accordingly. Congratz again! Very Happy

Not quite a Newb Joined: 14 Jul 2005 Posts: 41

Quote:

Charles wondered why everyone was talking in capitals.

That was a truly entertaining read, Duralex! clapping

Baiting Guru Joined: 03 May 2007 Posts: 18313

Duralex, very well done. Congrats!!! Thumbs up

Very fun contest JMR, Thanks!

Posted: Mon Jul 09, 2007 5:29 pm

Duralex, Congratulations on a most entertaining story. I pity the lads on the other end of your emails! Twisted Evil

Posted: Mon Jul 09, 2007 6:01 pm

Duralex, congratulations!!! A very very well deserved win!!! Laughing

Posted: Mon Jul 09, 2007 6:49 pm

Very nice. And of course, I love the reference to TWAT.

Posted: Mon Jul 09, 2007 6:49 pm

Congrats

Quote:

Charles wondered why everyone was talking in capitals.

That sentence alone deserves the prize.

Posted: Mon Jul 09, 2007 7:05 pm

Good job Duralex
clapping

Baiting Guru Joined: 03 Mar 2006 Posts: 7103 Location: Yes

Okay, here are the other submissions in no particular order (my appreciation once again to all who submitted):

From Ima Baeder:

Quote:

4:19 am, Chucky�s radio alarm clock goes off. He stays in bed listening to his favorite song by the Village People. He crawls out of bed, quite exhausted, having received a phone call in the middle of the night from Satan. This disturbs him, but then he remembers that he had a dream about his internet love. He�s cheered by the thought and decides that he must tell her about it as soon as he gets to the caf� to check his email.
He dresses, and writes out a grocery list as he realizes he�s all out of security pineapples and markers and paper for making security photo signs.
Charles wakes his daughter and prepares her to go to school. He�s sad that she�s motherless. Her mother died when she was young and ever since then he�s took her so special. He reflects back on losing his wife, how her esophageal cancer defiled all forms of medical treatment. What disturbs him most about her illness and death, however, is her stroke sickness she suffered. Thank goodness her suffering was short and she died after only four days.
He drops the daughter at school and travels to the nearby internet caf�. He finds an email from his online love, and another online acquaintance, Pete Inmypants. Pete Inmypants is a new business partner he is hoping to work with. Unfortunately, Pete has misunderstood all of his previous directions and he has to waste time attempting to explain the procedures again. He writes to his online love, wooing her with his dirty talk of sucking out her body juices. She really seems to encourage him and keeps asking for his picture.
Suddenly he remembers that he is also a barrister and emails out some legal documents, including a death certificate for a man who died of heart problems after his plane crash.

Leaving the caf�, he heads to the bank to open a new account. He can�t figure out exactly why, but his last one was closed abruptly. While at the bank, he finds out that there are millions of dollars in an old account! What luck, if only he could find the next of kin!
He swings by Western Union to pick up a transfer and finds out that there�s been a mistake. This isn�t good news. Why oh why would someone get an MTCN number incorrect?
As his afternoon is drawing to a close, he meets up with a business associate of his for a meal. They order and while they wait they have a great conversation, telling stories of trips and excursions they have taken for business. With the high percentage of auto and airplane crashes, they feel lucky to have traveled so safely, despite the fact that some of their business safaris have proven unfruitful. Finally their drinks and meal arrive. Charles takes a first refreshing gulp of his beverage, but sadly, it will be his last. Charles Soludo has died: Poisoned by his business associate.

From Breadcrumb:

Quote:

Dear diary,

Today has been a weird day. I woke up with lovely Miriam Abacha in my bed. She woke me up with a nice morning blowjob. It was awesome. But I came as a surpise to her. She is a lovely woman. And rich too. When I got out of bed I tripped over one big trunkbox that she stored in my sleeping room. She smiled at me and said with her lovely voice: "Greetings in Jesus� name, my dear Chuckie". I smiled back at her and said to her: "Thank you for your willingness in to assist me in this transaction". We then dressed up. She dressed up in a nice blue dress. What I don�t understand is, why she was holding an umbrella in the house. But I didn�t want to question her integrity, since our relationship is of mutual trust and 100% risky free.
I then headed to my office. On the way from my parking lot a guy with a sign appeared and asked me to snap a picture of himself. The sign had "Ima Arseforker". I have no idea what this means, I guess it must be some Igbo dialect. The day in office was quite boring. I did get an interesting business offer though. And believe it or not: They guy has the same name as mine! But he is a barrister. I love his wig. I asked him if I could wear his wig some day. I am still waiting for his reply. He kept on babbling about the business proposal. I sent him a rude mail where I questioned his manhood, and he cursed me for that. Now I need to drive to the Okija shrine to get that curse off my ass. I decided that I would go there after work. There is one thing that I don�t understand about this: The guy told me, that I should send him an email when I arrive there. He kept on muttering stuff about "safari IP confirmation". Strange people out there. Well anyways, so I was driving down the Shagamu Express Way when I saw a ghastly car accident. A car from a Shell engineer was ablaze. I can only hope that they will find the next of kin of this man soon. I heard that he has a lot of money. Later on, when I arrived at the shrine the priest told me, that I need to pay 50.000 Naira for the curse to be taken off of me. Unfortunately I didn�t have that much money with me, so I mailed the other Soludo and told him to send me some money via Western Union. I had to fill out some paperwork though, because of Anti-Terrorist restrictions. I can fully understand that. I spent 3 hours answering questions at a security website and then received the MTCN. Well, received it for a second that is. But I was able to write it down. I then went to the Western Union office and gave them the payment information. When they heard my name, they burst into a laughing fit. I have no idea why, I thought I was a respected man in my country. Anyways, I didn�t receive the money. It seems like if I only wrote down 9 digits of the 10 digit MTCN. So I had to drive back home. On my way back I saw some guys with safari hats. Very friendly persons, they were laughing and waving in my direction. So I am popular after all.
So I came home into the arms of my lovely Miriam. She complained about me being a small boy. But I only said to her: "Shut it, freak girl". That got her quiet. For 2 minutes that is. She yelled at me screaming: "I will condom you to a painful death!". She then left the house, but she left the trunkboxes in my sleeping room. I think I need to find someone to help me get that money out of the country. So tomorrow I will be busy sending emails.....

Good night my dear diary,

Chuck Soludo

From Tommo (he wrote two entries which I've combined to one):

Quote:

7.15am My secretary woke me up with a start this morning. I wish he'd
shave before he starts the early morning business.
7.20am Showered and fed the goat.
8.15am Shocked to hear on Radio Lagos that yet another of my high
ranking bank officials had been poisoned by his business colleagues in
France on a business trip. [Memo to secretary - send flowers and
advertise vacancy for food tester, just to be on the safe side]
9.00am Had to take delivery of the latest trunk boxes from Saddam
Hussein following the death by poisoning of my junior colleague. [Memo
to secretary - don't forget to feed the goat]
10.00am Elevenses
10.30am Meeting with the President. He is a bit concerned about the 419.
I told him not to worry as it was 100% risky free and his cut was the
usual 40%
11.00am Checked my e-mails. Nothing from Svetlana despite my repeated
protestations of undying love. I think she is after my money. Bitch.
12.00am Business lunch with the man who has no name. I thought he looked
a bit peaky, but didn't like to mention it in case he killed me.
1.00pm Managed to survive the lunch with the Man With No Name. Sadly my
First Secretary didn't survive the food tasting. [Memo - to Second
Secretary - you're promoted!]. The Axeman left in good spirits, despite
the fact I asked him if he wanted to go Dutch.
2.00pm. Survived the latest carnage on the Lagos-Mbodo Aluu Highway[Memo
to Second Secretary - sack the chauffeur]
4.00pm Late back to the office, due to the driver's SatNav malfunction.
4.30pm Took a call from the Big Balls Mercedes Microsoft Netherlands
Lottery based in Liverpool. Couldn't understand a word he was saying.
Apparently, it's a language called 'Scouse.' Anyway, as far as I could
tell he wants to hire some trunk boxes. I asked him if he wanted the
standard ones, or the deluxe flock wallpapered model. Tight bastard went
for the former. Obviously an Everton supporter.
5.00pm Checked my e-mails. No scambaiters. Very disappointing, because I
love winding them up pretending I'm not the real Charles Soludo.
5.30pm Conference call with Big Dubya. I told him the trunk box was with
the security company awaiting shipment. Spent the next two hours
explaining the workings of Western Union.
7.30pm Had to press the panic button as I was locked in the bank and I
was late home for my tea.
8.00pm. Arrived safely at home. Mother not very happy. My curried goat
was ruined and the Yorkshire puddings had shrivelled.
9.00pm Early night. Big day tomorrow. The Axeman wants to talk to me
about an offer I can't refuse....Sweet dreams....

From ParaNoid:

Quote:

"4:19 a.m. The alarm clock sounds. Charles Soludo opens his eyes..."

Well, it seems like an alarm to me. It is the bleating of my goats. They must be hungry again. I wipe the sleep from my eyes and think about the money that should be waiting for me at Western Union.

I then think about what I have to do today. I have to meet with my Oga and explain what I have cooking. He wants his share or he will take more of my goats� Damn, maybe that is why the goats woke me up. I wonder what he does with all of those goats. *shudder*

What was I thinking about before that Oga intruded into my thoughts again. Oh, yes, today. I have that English lesson at eleven. I think that I am doing better. At least my latest Maga's have been commenting on how well my English is sounding. I don't think that those stupid Maga really care, they have so much money that they are really happy to give me some of theirs.

Oh shit, it is church day too. I need to go and confess my sins. I wish I had some sins to confess. Maybe I can make something up to impress the priest. If only he knew how many churches I am part of now. What can I tell him about this time. The baby from that chick from down the street? Nope, he just talked about fornication and all of that crap. He also said that touching myself is a sin too. Well at least I have my goats.

Crap, I sure hope that that cute one is still out there. They sure take all of the fun out of things. If only the priest would just accept some pictures of me like the churches that are going to give me money. That is sure a lot easier on me. I just know that they are going to be sending me that money for tuition, heh, heh, heh Those idiots think that I really care about their church.

Oh no, I must have dozed off. It's now 6:42. My Oga is going to be really pissed at me. I will hve to fight for my favorite computer again. I msut remember to take a new disk with me. The old one is getting full and I can't afford to lose any Magas. I really need to get those forms filled out because my Oga is charging more and more. I doubt that he really does much. The scripts are recycled and are filled with errors. Those English lessons are really paying off.

I need some new shoes, these are hurting my feet. Maybe I'll swing by Moneygram � and see if my funds are there. I just can't understand why these Maga can't get their numbers straight. Here they think they are so smart. Any goat can do Western Union � or MG. If they had to do anything important (like run a bank) they wouldn't know where to start.

Well the day is passing me by, so I'd better get my hump on and see what is left at the internet cafe. I sure hope stinky isn't sitting next to me today. I don't know how he gets all of his Maga to pay so much. Maybe it is because he doesn't bathe, just sends out emails.

Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it's off to work I go...

Posted: Mon Jul 09, 2007 8:18 pm

First of all, hats off to my fellow contributors. I love it that we somehow all snuck the same classic eater jokes into the entries. Great stuff!

Thanks to all the fellow eater members who commented om my entry. I never write, and I'm only a mediocre baiter, but I found this exeptionally funny to write. There's so much absurdity and surreality happening on eater, I thought it would be interesting to extrapolate everything into an Orwellian nightmare. I hope it was good for some laughs!
Oh, and there was a lot of Jameson involved, but I'll let that slide for now.

Of course, big applause for JM! Great idea, the story of everyone's favourite lad, as told by his baiters.

Here's to you, Charles Soludo!

Posted: Mon Jul 09, 2007 8:49 pm

Congratulations DuraLex, great story, great stories all around. I am still working on mine, it is much longer than everyone elses.....

I still plan on finishing it JM, will send it too you when I do. I am at hour 4 and page 7 on microsoft word.

Posted: Mon Jul 09, 2007 9:30 pm

Cracking entry, Duralex, and all the more impressive for it not being in your first language. clapping

And an honourable mention for breadcrumb for getting a line from my signature into his. Laughing

Good comp, JM. Very Happy

Posted: Mon Jul 09, 2007 9:59 pm

Congrads Duralex! LOL_sign

I also enjoyed the others. Laughing

Posted: Mon Jul 09, 2007 10:14 pm

Great job Duralex! clapping

I too enjoyed this line

Duralex wrote:

Charles wondered why everyone was talking in capitals.

It made me LOL_sign

Enjoy the new status of your orange name! You surely have a gift in writing. bow_down

To the other authors, great stuff as well! beers!

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