Please welcome our new mods

By joining our community you will have the ability to post topics and access other forums reserved for members. Registration is quick, simple and absolutely free. Join our community today by clicking here.

Posted: Fri May 18, 2007 6:34 pm

What's that old saying about lunatics taking over the asylum??? Laughing

Gratz, you three! Wink

Posted: Fri May 18, 2007 8:28 pm

A baby seal walks into a bar and sits down. "What can I get you?" asked the bartender.

"Anything but a Canadian Club" replied the seal.

Posted: Fri May 18, 2007 8:32 pm

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, "For you, no charge!"

Posted: Fri May 18, 2007 8:46 pm

A bear walks into a bar and says "I'll have... a beer." The bartender says "why the pause?" The bear says "I was born with them."

Posted: Fri May 18, 2007 8:47 pm

A toothless termite walks into a bar and asks."Where is the bar tender?"

Posted: Fri May 18, 2007 8:54 pm

A man walked into a bar holding an alligator. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" The bartender said, "Yes, we do!" "Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my alligator."

A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.....

Posted: Fri May 18, 2007 9:13 pm

This thread needs sooooooo to be locked. Cool

Posted: Fri May 18, 2007 9:38 pm

Man goes in a bar.....
There was a time when is was just peanuts and crisps.

Posted: Fri May 18, 2007 10:33 pm

Two men walk hurridly into a bar, one asks for 6 pints of bitter and 3 packets of peanuts, he then hands over a 50 pound note and says "Keep the change, you've got about 3 minutes to enjoy it". A large space ship loomed exactly the way a large gold brick wouldn't...

erm sorry went off track as per usual.

Posted: Fri May 18, 2007 10:41 pm

David Hasslehoff walks into a bar:
"Gimmie a beer, please"
"Sure thing, Hasslehoff!"
"Just call me Hoff"
"Ok, no hassle."

Posted: Fri May 18, 2007 10:43 pm

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

Posted: Fri May 18, 2007 10:44 pm

it wasn't me wrote:

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

The barman turns round and says, I'm not serving you, you've come in with a cyclepath!

Baiting Guru Joined: 19 Mar 2007 Posts: 2628

A man walks into a bar and asks for a pint.
"Would you like a malt whisky" says the barman? "It's free."
"Yes please" says the man
He gets given the pint, double malt and �20 from the till.

Same happens next round

Hmm thinks the man , better say something.

" the boss around?" he asks the barman

"no" is the reply
" he's up the road doing to my wife what I'm doing to his business"

Posted: Sat May 19, 2007 5:38 am

A visually impaired man walks into a bar. Not surprising really, he'd left his guide dog at home.

Posted: Sat May 19, 2007 6:07 am

A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "I
can't serve you." The mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fun-guy."

Posted: Sat May 19, 2007 7:37 am

Two lengths of string are standing in a queue to enter a nightclub. After waiting a while, they reach the door. One is allowed in whilst the other is refused entry. The first protests to the doorman, and points at his friend's clothes. 'He's better dressed than I, surely he should be allowed in, rather than me', said the first to the bouncer.

The doorman replies, '`fraid not'.

Posted: Sat May 19, 2007 8:45 am

A mugu walks into a bar .....

(I dunno, I'm blonde. You do the punchline!)

Posted: Sat May 19, 2007 9:15 am

I was going to post the only "Man walks into a bar" joke I know but it's too damn long and I'm too damn lazy.

Posted: Sat May 19, 2007 11:37 am

I've only just found this thread! Embarassed

Yes, yes, very poor, I know but look, I've been in the mod lounge clearing up after the party, OK?
...and let me tell you something,... these mods are absolute animals when they get to unlock the Pimms cupboard....

A$$ kissers: your wonderfully delightful comments about me are duly noted and you are now earmarked for future lenience Wink

The rest did I mention callum? I may yet have my revenge Very Happy

Posted: Sat May 19, 2007 12:31 pm

I walk into a bar !!!!!!!!! and just get pissed Twisted Evil

Posted: Sat May 19, 2007 2:33 pm

A Bar Joke

If you travel north up the A60 over Hendnesford Road, pass through the old town of Rugeley and up a little track named Cotton Rd, you will arrive via a series of twists and turns at a little well kept pub named the Wicket, just on the edge of Admaston. This pub, it could be said is a buttress of true British publyness, retaining it's jovial medieval atmosphere, from it's plum copper bar top to it's merry little open fire. Come rain or shine, it has thrown an open door to travelers and locals alike in it's duty to the thirsty and the faithful, making their way through the heart of the British Midlands.

One night when my car broke down nearby this little country retreat, I felt it prudent to make a dash for the nearest drinking establishment, which happened to be the Wicket. It was a Thursday evening on a dastardly winter's night and lashings of freezing cold sleet poured over the rain sloshed and wind swept heath. The glow from the windows of the pub beckoned to me like the friendly hand of a old sage reaching down to pull one out of the quagmire into which one had sunk.

I entered the pub and as I suspected, there were none but a few of the more seasoned drinkers, who had dared to venture out into storm. I sat down at the bar and began reading a copy of the Cannock and Rugeley Chronicle with a large mug of beer and half a cigar I had found in my glove compartment next to an empty hip flask. I had completed no more than five of the relatively bovine clues of the dreadful crossword puzzle in the broad sheet, when an almighty rumble signaled the entrance of a large and disgruntled customer.

"psst", whispered the barman, "that's the fucking M6 right there!"
"you what", I replied turning my head. And sure enough, spilling tarmac, traffic cones and tumbling automobiles all over the floor was the bulging, straggling form of the huge and dirty bypass up to Birmingham. The massive lumbering motorway ignoring me sat down at the bar two stools across from me, covering the bar with bits of sod and bolts and things.

"The usual sir?", bellowed the barman, handing the M6 a bottle of Famous Grouse amid the din of smashing masonry. The M6 didn't reply, but snatched the bottle and huddled around it muttering to himself.

I was stunned, but not as stunned as when two clues later a second devastating cacophony shattered the atmosphere and in walked another motorway.

"That'll be the M25", said the barman, who appeared to be resigned to this sort of thing. Without bothering to ask, the barman fetched a bottle of Jim Beam and set it in front of the M25, who parked down next to the M6 in a similar fashion, showering everything with bits of broken traffic and old tires.

Not wanting to disturb either of them I retreated to a corner and continued to pour over the elementary subject matter of the Chronicle crossword puzzle and sipped my drink. Five minutes later I noticed that a scene had begun to arise and I watched with some interest.

A long, but very thin slither of red tarmac had also entered the bar, sidled in between the M25 and M6 and was apparently trying to cadge a cigarette from one of them.

"Come on y'twat crash us a fucking snout mate", hissed the new customer gesticulating at both of them.

The fuming M25 was beginning to stand up and look down on the red tarmac, just as the barman ran round to the front of the bar to address the scene.

"Listen", he said, "We'll have no trouble, not tonight. It's a shit one outside; let's just sit back down and I'll buy you both a drink. Just forget about it okay", he said, proffering a stool back to the M25.

"I kick him fucking head in", bellowed the M25, who had idly cracked open the bottle of Jim Bean on the side of the copper bar and was brandishing it at the tarmac, "little bloody chav wanker".

"No seriously", advised the barman, "you don't want to do that. Just give it a rest ok, I'll get you another bottle and we can just have a nice quiet drink". He patted the M25, on the hard shoulder, gesturing at the stool.

"You what?", the M25 inquired incredulously, "Do you know who I fucking am mate? I'm the M25, the biggest, hardest, dirtiest motorway in the South. I have toll gates longer than that bit of crap down there and I'll be a steaming pile of fresh loam if I ain't going to shove this bit of glass so far down his throat, he'll be blowing test tubes every time he farts."

"Naah Naah mate, I know who you are", said the barman, "You're the M25, I know. I'm telling you; you don't want to mess with that one It's not worth it, trust me. Come on mate, let's just have a quiet one okay?"

"Well why the bloody hell not?" asked the slightly deflated M25.

"Because", said the barman, leaning in closer and whispering,"that bit of tar down there....."

....."Is a cyclepath"

By Battery - It's not one of mine, but I tell it better

Please welcome our new mods	View next topic View previous topic