My lawyer gives advice on my streaking arrest..*Updated!

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Posted: Fri Jan 12, 2007 11:45 am

My baiting character, Peter Andre, got himself into a bit of bother after being arrested for yet more odd goings-on, so I decided to ask the lawyer, who is also overseeing a transfer of $40m, for some legal advice....

Quote:

Dear ,
Good day to you. I write to you today for two reasons. First of all, I need to know if you will help Mr Wood and I out with a business transaction?

Secondly, I have some legal problems of my own. You see, yesterday morning, I went out to pick up my milk from the doorstep in my dressing gown. As I stepped outside, the door blew shut, trapping my dressing gown. I had no choice, Mr Cole, I had to take it off and go to find a way to get back into my house, with nothing on but a pair of slippers, and a pint of milk to hide my intimate area.

Now, Mr Cole, I dont know if you have ever been to the , but I assure you, in January it is very, very cold indeed, and it was not pleasent at all. First of all, I attampted to climb in the window, but it was to high to get up, so there was only one solution- I had to get from my house in Byker Grove to the 2 miles away.

For obvious reasons, I could not use public transport, and would have to stick to the wooldland so that nobody would see my birthday suit from the street. So, I jumped over the fence and went into the dense woodland of the . I made my way along the local trail. As you can assume, it was quite exhausting, so I decided to drink the pint of milk I had to give me some energy, and then put my "intimate part" inside the bottle to keep it warm, and guarded from the nettles and thornbushes.

As I struggled my through the woodland, I spotted a building with an open window. Inside the room, I could see that there was a long trenchcoat, so I thought I would climb in the window and borrow this jacket, in order to hide my shame in order to get to .

I darted across the street towards the building, but failed to notice that there was a rather large dog chasing me. It obviously mistook my buttocks for a meaty rump steak, and took an almighty snap at my rear end.

I ran as fast as I could- thankfully, the milk I drank game me the energy I needed, and I managed to escape my would-be canine attacker, and clamber in the window. At last, I was safe. So, I walked across the room to get the jacket, when suddenly I heard a bell ringing.

All of a sudden, the door opened, and dozens of children started running into the room- it was a school, Mr Cole! A School!

I couldnt believe it- I was stuck in a school, stark naked apart a pair of slippers and a milk bottle, which my genitalia is inside.

Needless to say, the school called the Police (the law enforcement officers, not the band featuring Sting), and I was arrested. The Police arrested me at once and said they had found my clothes in the classroom, and claimed that my version of events was total bullplop. They even claimed to have found a written plan in my jacket, with a hand written plan about how I was going to commit lewd acts upon myself, along with a lock tampering kit and a detailed map of the school. Can you beleive such a thing!

They are apparently going to charge me on several counts of lewd behaviour, and I could get up to 3 years in prison if convicted! As a Lawyer, I need your advice on how to go about dealing with this! What should I do?

Also, I would appreciate it if you didnt mention this to Mr Wood. I dont want him thinking Im not a reliable business partner.

Please get back to me at once.

Peter Andre
79th Honorary Grand Fellow of the C.L.I.T Programme

I honestly didnt expect to hear back from him, but today, I get a mail back from him with some less than helpfull - although free - legal advice with regrds to my actions..

Quote:

Dear Peter,
I am in receipt of your mail and I am ready to help you and Mr. Wood achieve your goals transaction in the shortest possible time. Provide you are willing and able to pay for my consultation fees and legal fees.

As regards to what happened to you with the school authority and the police, I do not know your state of mind at that material time, because a normal person should have gone to his neighbors for assistance and borrow some cloths from them,rather than dashing to the street naked Laughing

.
When the police were invited by the school authority, were you arrested? If yes, where you granted bail? Well if you have a good lawyer, the issue could be ironed out without much fused and might extract a letter of apology for you, from the school authority.

However, if you need my professional advice I will be ready to offer them to you.

Regards,
Lampard Cole

So, he's ready to offer more legal advice? Just as well really, because I have a feeling that there will be a few more incidents to come over the next few weeks! Laughing

*** BANNED *** Joined: 02 Jan 2006 Posts: 2021

Thats the funniest thing iv,e read here for a long time, brilliant Laughing

Not quite a Newb Joined: 21 Dec 2006 Posts: 40

Maybe he could over to represent you in the ensuing court case, I'm sure you'll be happy to give him a whopping great fee + all his expenses on arrival Laughing

Posted: Fri Jan 12, 2007 12:39 pm

gaz_c_85 wrote:

...and then put my "intimate part" inside the bottle to keep it warm, and guarded from the nettles and thornbushes.

It's good to know that our responsible, erm, "members" are using protection...

Posted: Fri Jan 12, 2007 2:09 pm

Sorry am I grabbing the wrong end of the stick here....

This Barrister is using the name Lampard Cole...??

Is he on the Abramovich mafia payroll or what...?

Posted: Fri Jan 12, 2007 4:10 pm

I have tears rolling down my eyes! You ever thought of writing sketch comedy??

419Eater is my life Joined: 26 Apr 2006 Posts: 476

Quote:

Needless to say, the school called the Police (the law enforcement officers, not the band featuring Sting)

Nearly choked to death on my cuppa there!

Pure comedy genius

Posted: Fri Jan 12, 2007 10:44 pm

Absolutely hilarious!

Posted: Fri Jan 12, 2007 10:55 pm

I just love a friendly lawyer who's willing to offer advice on legal and personal troubles!

He's waaay off script now!

Posted: Fri Jan 12, 2007 11:51 pm

Quote:

I was stuck in a school, stark naked apart a pair of slippers and a milk bottle

I've had that dream/nightmare. It was always during final exams. Laughing

Funny stuff gaz!!! Laughing

Posted: Fri Jan 12, 2007 11:57 pm

LOL, is your baiter name Mr. Bean? Absolutely hilarious.

Posted: Sat Jan 13, 2007 12:15 am

Usually "LOL" is overused, but damned if I didn't laugh out loud until the tears started to flow when I read that. Brilliant!!! Laughing

"the law enforcement officers, not the band featuring Sting" -- what could top that gem? clapping

Posted: Mon Jan 15, 2007 10:34 am

so, I replied to my lad from the last mail...

Quote:

Dear Mr Cole,
Now to be fair, old chap, I didnt exactly dash to the street naked. I tell you, if it was up to me, I would quite happily write a letter of apology to the school, but sadly, due to previous dealings with with the school, I am confident that they will not accept such a thing. Anyway, why should I apologise? For it was not the fault of I, Peter Andre!

I was arrested, but was released on bail in the early hours of Thursday morning, on the condition that I stayed more than 200 yards away from all local schools.

I am due in court next Month. What do you think I should do? Should I plead guilty?

Mr Cole, Im very worried! C.L.I.T will surely expell me if I they find have got into more trouble with the Police!

Now, what are these "fees" you speak of? How much will they cost me?

And he still seems quite helpfull! (and obviously throws in the fact that I still have to pay him some cash)

Quote:

Dear Peter,
Could you please explain to me your previous dealings with the school? Have you been found wanting in the previous years? How old are you? Are you married and do you have kids? Do you leave with your wife and children? Do you work? Or do you have a company of your own? Answers to these questions will go a long way for me to know exactly what to advice you and the best way to approach this delinquent.
As regards to my fees to enable me free the consignment and get it sent to you, my consultation fee of $3500.00 has to be paid ,while at the successful conclusion of this transaction, you will pay me a legal fee of $65,000.00 .
Thank you for your cooperation.
Yours sincerely,
Lampard Cole

Have I had dealings with the school before? Well, there was this one time...

Quote:

Dear Mr Cole,
Well, I havent had issues with the School as such, it was more the School's youth club. You see, I went there last April for a discotheque. Now, before I go on, I must stress to you that nowhere- nowhere, Mr Cole- in that room did it state that the discotheque was for 9-13 year olds, nor was I, as the local tabloids described me, "in disguise". I danced the night away quite happily, and let me tell you, Mr Cole, contrary to what the Police report says, I, Peter Andre, was not groping anyone, I was mearly massaging them. In fact, if anything, I was not the groper, but the gropee.

Please bear in mind, Mr Cole, that regardless of what the courts say, I am a caring man, and being so caring, the last thing I would have wanted is for the dear children to scold themselves on the fruit punch, so I decided to test it, but for whatever reason, the manner in which I tested it seem to annoy some people. I was ejected from the discotheque, and was subsequently arrested by the Police, who gave me a good seeing to with their massive truncheons. I have forwarded you a section of the Local newspaper so you can see for yourself the lies I have to put up with.

I was taken to court, who for some reason branded me a "danger to children" and threatened to put me in prison should I ever commit a similar act. The also fined me �800. Can you beleive such a thing? Back in the 80's, the Police were friends with my orginisation- they would help old ladies cross the street, arrest alcoholics onsite, and even turn a blind eye to the odd murder, but these days, they bend over and are shafted by those damn pen-pushers in Brussels!

For your information, I am not married. I have no children, and am currently "experimenting". I work as the Curator of Spooning, and am the 79th Honorary Grand Fellow of the C.L.I.T Programme here on the Isle of Beaver.

Now, regarding the money for this deal, the only way I could get that sort of cash is if you were also a member of C.L.I.T. You see, I am not payed for my work here at C.L.I.T, they pay all my bills directly, and I have no money of my own. Would you like me to send you the application?

hehehe...lets see him worm his way out of this Laughing

Posted: Mon Jan 15, 2007 10:47 am

This is a work of genius and a new modality? Got a legal problem? Ask your Lad Lawyer! I am SO going to use this on my current barrister who's an arrogant pr*ck and needs to be made to suffer. It's a complicated domestic problem with stroppy wife (aka VPManchester) and a jealous mistress.

Baiting Guru Joined: 07 Jan 2007 Posts: 2922

Genius.Pure Genius...

Posted: Mon Jan 15, 2007 2:27 pm

This is excellent stuff! Can I too borrow the idea of consulting my barrister over seas with strange legal problems?

Posted: Mon Jan 15, 2007 2:46 pm

Knock yourself out haha!

Posted: Mon Jan 15, 2007 8:58 pm

Ha, brilliant. Very Happy

Posted: Mon Jan 15, 2007 10:35 pm

Quote:

The Police arrested me at once and said they had found my clothes in the classroom, and claimed that my version of events was total bullplop. They even claimed to have found a written plan in my jacket, with a hand written plan about how I was going to commit lewd acts upon myself, along with a lock tampering kit and a detailed map of the school. Can you beleive such a thing!

Posted: Tue Jan 16, 2007 1:14 am

Wow, what a resource, free legal advice! And here I've been wasting time asking for credentials when I could have been using these lads much more creatively. Nice work!

** SUSPENDED ** Joined: 26 Mar 2005 Posts: 1267

That is HILARIOUS! keep up the good work and I look forward to his reply..

Posted: Tue Jan 16, 2007 2:31 am

Quote:

you will pay me a legal fee of $65,000.00

Did I read this correctly, you will owe for these "free" legal services? And you have to pay in dollars? Shocked

Posted: Tue Jan 16, 2007 2:54 am

Quote:

the last thing I would have wanted is for the dear children to scold themselves on the fruit punch, so I decided to test it, but for whatever reason, the manner in which I tested it seem to annoy some people

I didn't quite understand that part, well, untill I read the news article. LOL that seriously made me burst out laughing. You are a funny dude. Please update on what the lawyer's response is.

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