I got me a job...

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Hello I'm New here! Joined: 30 Dec 2006 Posts: 18

It started with an advert...

Quote:

Vacancy: Payment Co-ordinator
Employer: Brisco Co-operations
Location: USA
Duration: 3 months, starts ASAP

Payment is on a lo/no/deferred basis.
Work online from Home/Temporarily and get paid weekly? We are glad to offer you for a job position in our organization Brisco Cooperation We need someone to work for the company as a Payment Co-ordinator. You don't need to have an office and this certainly won't disturb any form of work you have going at the moment.

Your tasks are:

1. Receive payment from Customers and co-ordinate payments 2. Cash or process Payment at your Bank 3. Deduct 7% which will be your percentage/pay on Payment processed 4. Forward balance after deduction of percentage/pay to any of the offices you will be contacted to send funds to through Money transfers. This takes barely hours, so it will give us a possibility to get customer's payment almost immediately.
Apply to: Susan Goldenberg

Quote:

Dear Susan Goldenberg,

I would very much like to work as a Payment Co-ordinator for Briscoe
Co-operations. Can you tell me what I have to do to apply?

1211 Despaux Drive, Seattle, Washington
DC. 10100 USA.

Quote:

Your Application has been received and acknowledged.
We need to be sure of whom we are employing to be a part of
Our team of professional and dedicated staff�s, so we will like
To get all this information from you before we will be able to give you
The job as our payment coordinator in the UK, provide us with what we need and the job will be offered to immediately.

1. Full Name
2. Sex
3. Full Address
4. Drivers License or a Passport Photo.
We wait for your information�s as it is the only thing holding you
Employment.

We hope to hear from you soonest.

Regards,
Susan Goldenberg

Sent, then...

Quote:

Congratulation!! You have gotten the Job, You will be notified when you have an incoming payment on your name, As soon as you receive the mail from us we will like you to acknowledge it then our debtor will issue you a check by post.
If you receive it we will give you directions on what to do.
Once again Conratulation.
Suan Goldenberg.

Quote:

Many thanks indeed! I'm excited to get started! Here's my address -

The Old Bill Gaff
Broadway
London
SW1H 0BG

Can you let me know when the first cheque is being sent as I want to wait in for the postman.

Quote:

If a Cheque is sent to you to that address wil you get it? wil it be safe? i will like to know all this information immediatelly. A Check will be sent to you by next week day, a debtor of ours wants to pay us by then and we have instructed him to write the check in your name so as soon as you get the check i let us know.
Regards
Susan Goldenberg

Quote:

Hi Susan!

Yes it will get to me. Either me or my husband (he works with the Met - not the weather people, the other lot). You can be sure that it will be dealt with in exactly the appropriate way.

Can you tell me how much the first payment will be? (I'm trying to budget as it is so close to Christmas!). I should also warn you that sending sums of money to people you don't know is not, in general, a very wise thing to do! There are an awful lot of con artists, liars and cheating sons of bitches out there (excuse my French!).

I'm OK of course but are you sure some of your other employees might not just run off with the cash??

Do let me know and I'll keep you informed. Oh and Happy Christmas (bit early I know but I'm in a joyous mood!)

Best wishes

Quote:

Hi,

We go through alot of process and if any one tries to run away with the money, we do report to the proper authorities which will follow up the case, but mind you all our employers are with us here, you are the only one in the UK who is our Payment Co-ordinator. So since you said that you are worthy , your first payment will range from 2000 GBP- 3500 GBP and if it's 3500 GBP then your Commision will be 325 pounds, and i wish you happy christmas too.

Regards

Susan

Quote:

Dear Susan,

Wow that's great! That money will certainly come in handy, what with the bairn having big holes in his nappy and young Eli wanting a new Wii for Xmas.

The only employee in the UK you say?! Oh dear! Now I feel under pressuire to deliver! I also feel a bit sorry for all those others who didn't get the job - I'm always terribly disappointed when that happens.

Meantime I shall watch out for the cheque. One thought in the meantime though - I do have a friend who's looking for work. His names Juan - miight there be a chance he could take on some of the work?

Do let me know.

Best wishes

Quote:

Hi,
how are you? sorry for the delay in responce.
You Friend can send his or her CV to us Immediatelly.
We will be glad to work with him.
As for the check it will arrive to you by the weekend.
Many Thanks
Susan Goldenberg

Quote:

Hi Sue,

I'm v well indeed (thanks for asking!) - and excited to start working for the company!

Great news that you have space for my friend Juan! He hasn't actually got a CV yet but I can give you his details. Before we start though, there is one thing. He's a foreigner. Is that a problem?

Assuming that's OK at your end, here are his details -

Name: Juan Bonevryminit
Age: 27
Height: 5.10 (ish)
Hair: Normal

Do you need his address? He tends to sleep on my floor but he has got his own "place". He's got an email address too - would you need that?

Can you let me know as soon as possible as he's champing at the bit (metaphorically).

Let's get rich!!

Best wishes

Quote:

Hi,

Send me his email and his house address and also his phone number so that i can call him anytime to be sure hs legit.
And never mind if he is a foreigner since he is in the uk at the moment it alright.

Thanks
Susan Goldenberg

Quote:

Hi Susan,

Brilliant - Juan will be over the moon! Here's his house address -

The Rozzers,
65 Knock Road,
Belfast.
BT5 6LE

I'll track down his email address and phone number for you. Worry not, he's legit alright - the three months at Strangeways saw to that (you don't turn your back in the showers there in a hurry, I can assure you!).

Great news that you allow foreigners into your organisation. It wasn't so much the work permit I was worried about - more the taste and decency aspect (I know what you Americans are like - all "Yankee Doodle Dandy", huge beefburgers and stringing people up on flaming crucifixes!). Still, it's all water under the bridge I guess.

Anyhoo, I'll get his details.

Meanwhile I am a bit worried as I haven't had my first cheque from you. Has there been some kind of issue in payroll?? I know what these big organisations are like; employees treated like shit while management tramp around on thick carpets waving their luncheon vouchers around (all very well but but when you ask for a watercooler in the factory it's all bottom line this and year-end fiscal that!!).

Is the cheque coming soon? Should I worry?

Season's Greetings!

Quote:

Hi,
Is he from England? please send me his full name.
You should be patient about the check our client called us and told us he is out of cash.
that we should give him little space.
Please Does Juan stay in England?
Thanks
Susan

Quote:

Dear Susan,

Hey sister, take a chill pill!!

No worries on the Juan front, he�s kosher. He does stay in England � he�s got a villa on the coast (New Brighton actually � very fancy!). Do you need that address too? Apologies, I thought I�d given you his full name; it�s Juan Bonevryminit. I guess you need his full name for the rigorous checks you have to do. I say you, I guess it�s HR who have to do all that kind of stuff, you being busy with the import/export side of things.

So your client is holding out on you cash-wise is he? I shouldn�t put up with that for too long. Do what I do with people who try to cheat me; hunt them down like jackals in the desert and apply a well-aimed cricket bat to the temple. That usually makes them see sense quite quickly. Wallop!! Self defence your honour!!!

However the cheque still hasn�t arrived with me and now I�m really starting to worry. Maybe you�ve sent it and it�s gone missing? Do you think maybe you could send another? Our postie is a light fingered bastard at the best of times and come Christmas he�s positively Fagin-like (no-one round our way shops from Amazon any more, those brown boxes are way too tempting).

Let me know as soon as poss, I have to admit I�ve started spending my chunk of the cash already. Have you seen the price of turkey at Iceland?? That Kerry Katona�s a lying bitch!

Happy Hanukkah!!

Quote:

Please send me the residence address of Juan in England so i can proceed.
And also you will get teh check by the weekend, i assure you that.
Thanks
Susan

Quote:

Hi Sue,

Great news! I got the cheque! Wow, that is one huge sum of money. Your company must be turning over a lot of people if that amount is anything to go by!

So - what am I supposed to do next? Am I meant to keep all this? If I am and it's some kind of Christmas bonus can I say a big big thank you from everyone chez nous to everyone at Briscoe Co-operations - we are truly touched by the faith you have in us, being as we've only been with the company such a short while.

However maybe you want me to send at least some of it back - do let me know and I will pay it in to the bank tomorrow (and then probably nip down to the sales on the way home!).

lots of love

xx

Quote:

Hi.
thats real good news.
i want you to send the chek to you bank and cash it out
and as soon as you cash the money out i will like you to email me
asap so i will tell you where to send the remaining money, also tell me the amount
that's on the check so i can tell you how much your money is.
Thanks and God bless
Susan

Quote:

Hi
Please send me your Phone # so we could give you a call to follow up payments.
We are about buy some goods maybe you will send the remaining money to our Client
but for now please send us your # so we call you.
Thanks
Susan Goldenberg

Quote:

Hi Sue,

Blimey, bad news. Really bad news. You are not going to believe this.

My stupid bank has bounced your cheque! They notified me this morning. Some tripe about it not being worth the paper it's written on blah blah blah.

I feel really awful. Awful that they could be so stupid really, it's not as if they don't handle hundreds of cheques every day. It must be some stupid wet behind the ears youth opportuinities nitwit who's got the wrong end of the stick in the cashier's department. Really I blame the government - losing Maggie was the worst thing that every happened to this country, when she was alive she was the only one prepared to stamp on this "everyone deserves a job" nonsense.

Anyway that doesn't get the baby washed. Question is what do we do now? Is it worth sending another cheque maybe? Maybe if I slip in to the bank on idiot boy's day off I could dangle a new one under the nose of a more "helpful" assistant? I could even try and grease his palm a little if you think it might help. Either that or give him a pinch on the testicles. That might make him a bit more yes sir, anything you say sir with the cash!

Do let me know what you want me to do - I can't tell you how sorry I am to let down both you and the whole Briscoe Corporation at what must be your busiest time of year, fiscal wise. HR must think I'm such a dolt! (please don't tell them!)

Best wishes - and sorry, sorry, sorry.

xxx

PS One quick thought though - should I maybe send you your chunk of the money anyway, before you send the replacement cheque? I could probably raise the full amount if I flog of a few Xmas pressies on ebay (our Jason doesn't play with that fucking Robosapien anyway). I feel terrible that you have to wait to get your money back so it would be the least I can do. Let me know and I'll tear them out of the little mites' hands and package them up right away.

Xx

Quote:

Hi,
We at Briscoe Corp. are very happy with you.
We want you to take the check to your bank and persuade them to pay the money to you, and if they dont write to us and tell us.
Or if there is a possibility for you to send some of it to the man that exports raw materials to us from West Africa, then at least he will be rest assured that we are going to pay him the money we owe him, and before the end of this week a replacement check will be sent to you asap.
We hope to hear from you soon.
And please drop us your phone number so we could have some oral discussions with you.
Regards
Susan

Quote:

Hi Susan,

I have to say your reply touched me greatly. It is truly scrumptious to know that you at Briscoe Corp still think well of me. Especially when I feel such a fool, such a mad crazy fool.

And I vow to repay your trust in me, yea mightily if I can.

And as such I've had a brilliant thought! (No don't laugh!!).

How about, instead of me flogging all our Xmas pressies on ebay and then sending the money to your West african importer/exporter, we cut out the middle man and I just send him all the pressies direct instead?

That way he'll get it quicker and I don't have to pay the ebay commission; everyone's a winner! Don't know why I didn't think of it before, it just sort of come to me on the bog. I should have kebabs more often!!

Assuming that's OK, here is a list of the toys I can send, with their approximate value (there's been a certain amount of crying and screaming from the little ones about this, but hey ho can't be helped I suppose).

The list -

a) 1 Robosapien V2 (the dog chewed its ear when it came out the box and tried to laser him so it's "slightly worn") �180 new, say �150?

b) 1 Ronco Buttoneer (sews without thread!). Fairly old, �3 for cash

c) 1 small felt covered toy baby rabbit. (Not good condition I'm afraid on account of it being constantly cuddled and sucked by my one year old. There was also a bit of a struggle when I tried to prise it out of his little hands and some of the stuffing got lost from the insides). �0.25

d) 3 Corgi Jenson Interceptor model racing cars plus a full set of cast iron figurines of Top Gear presenters (fully posable perfectly scaled down replicas, Richard Hammond comes full size). Collectors item �200

e) 1 full length papier-mache Red Indian chief statue (not strictly a toy but I've been wanting to shift it for ages on account of it taking up so much room on the landing) �30

That's the first tranche, I'll package them up right away. Can you send me his address for delivery?

Blimey, more wrapping, and Xmas only a few days gone - phew!

Love

Quote:

Hey,
Thanks for the email, I called my Exporter in West Africa and he said that he can not sell those toys,
i was thinking if you could get some cash for him, i would like you to tell me how much you can afford at the moment so we could add to it and send to him in West africa.
I need your phone number to keep in touch with you always.
Regards
Susan

Quote:

Hi Susie,

Oh dear, that�s a blow. However even if he cannot sell them, he could always play with them himself...does he do that kind of thing � play with himself?

Best wishes

Quote:

HI,

I would like you to talk to him yourself here is his number +234-8055-313-608, his name is Mr Evan Udunka

And you will hear from him yourself.
As soon as you call him let me know,

Regards
Susan
And also Send me Juans Phone Number and Email.

Quote:

Hi Suzanna!

Thank you for the number for Mr Evan Udunka (unusual name - is he Irish?).

I shall jump to it forthwith! Could you tell him to wait by the phone tomorrow and I'll point Percy at the Porcelain around lunchtime-ish (after me nap).

Rather than send you Juan's details he says he'll write to you himself - is that OK? He'll do it in the next few days - hope you understand his emails (he has a very strong accent which can be tricky but he has a heart of gold - and a wallet to match!).

Loads of love, I think we're almost there!

Posted: Mon Jan 08, 2007 12:41 pm

Great job! I really like the humor, and I have one of these going myself and was wondering how to proceed. Looks like they will buy just about anything. I will be watching to see how it comes out.

Baiting Guru Joined: 03 Mar 2006 Posts: 7103 Location: Yes

Nice banter! Laughing

Be sure to "deposit" the check soon however -- just make sure to have a change of heart and decide to keep it all for yourself -- or maybe Juan needs a loan to make a deposit on his apartment -- he can always pay back Susan out of the proceeds of his first cheque...

Posted: Mon Jan 08, 2007 11:41 pm

Great fun there but I noticed

Quote:

d) 3 Corgi Jenson Interceptor model racing cars plus a full set of cast iron figurines of Top Gear presenters (fully posable perfectly scaled down replicas, Richard Hammond comes full size). Collectors item �200

IF you dont need them I will buy them...I can send you a cheque for 500 UKP as I was over paid how about sending the balance by wu...... Laughing

Hello I'm New here! Joined: 30 Dec 2006 Posts: 18

Thanks all! Sorry dagget, gone now - I'll bear you in mind though, just send me your bank details...

More news from Sue:

Quote:

I Understand what you mean, but you dont need to get twitchy, we met Mr Evan Udunka in a Conference in Washington Dc, We have done business with him before and he is a nice man, i can assure you for that. okay? take me for my words. He is a straight and honest man, he will never run off with our cash.

I assure you that he is a good and a very honest business man so there is nothng worry about.

He sent me his informations you will use to send the money to him tomorrow Via Western Union Money
Transfer.

As stated below.

As soon as you send the cash Copy these informations to me.

Receivers Name: Evan Udunka
Receivers Location: Lagos Nigeria.
Text Question: Boy?
Text Answer: Girl.

(MTCN) number'
Senders Address:
Senders Location

But if you wish to call him to give to him, you could also do, as for me i will forward them to him and also keep it for records, and also keep to yourself.

And please tell Juan to contact me immediatelly, it's urgent.
Thank you for your kindness.

Susan Goldenberg

Quote:

Dear Sue,

Many thanks - I do feel slightly better about Mr Udunka especially when you point out that if I "wish to call him to give to him, you could also do, as for me i will forward them to him and also keep it for records, and also keep to yourself". That makes it a lot clearer.

I'm keen to do the right thing by you. I have to say I do feel very proud of my work with Briscoe Co-operations - and pleased that you like me. To be honest this is my first real proper job in ages - the first really since the whole Tourettes thing kicked in. I was doing fine in my last job until that started up again - calling the Lady Mayor a cunting bitch at the Civic Reception was a bit of a death knell as far as that job was concerned. That and the spitting. Still "Another day, Another dollar" as I know you Yanks like to say. That and "Let's bomb some Muslims".

One thing though - I need to be absolutely sure that Mr Udunka is who he says he is and as such I wonder if you could ask him to take a photo of himself and email it to me. That way I can be sure that he is who he says he is. Then I can be sure that the money is going to the right place.
Please could you get him to send the photo to you (a recent one), and you can then forward it on to me. Then I'd be lot less twitchy about about sending him the cash.

Thanks numty.

Xx

Quote:

He does'nt have an email address he is less experienced about the internet,

All i have told you is for real, we have records of Mr Udunka and there no way he could mess himsefl up because of this, so Pat send the money to him today. immediatelly.

Thanks and God bless you. as soon as you read this email call him to let him know that you are going to send the money immediatelly.

Thanks
Susan

Quote:

Dear Susan,

Oh dear! Of course I do understand about Mr Udunka and the World Wide Web – I’m sure lots of import/exporters aren’t on top of this whole “internet” malarkey.

I’ll be frank Susie, I promise I will send the money, but I do need to be sure. If Mr Udunka can’t, can someone at Briscoe send a photo, either of him or of someone in HR?

I really must have a picture before sending this money (it’s a lot!) as my mum always told me to see a stranger’s “credentials” before opening the door. To be honest I’ve had people trying to slip in my back door before and when I’ve noticed I’ve always said “Oy, no way buster, I’m not like that” - something I’m sure Mr Udunka knows all about, being a bit of a fudge packer himself.

Just one photo would do it, if you can send that soon I’ll whizz off the wonga.

Best wishes – and love to Mr Greenberg (if there is one – is there?)

xx

***Edited to save B/W***Cherrie

Hello I'm New here! Joined: 30 Dec 2006 Posts: 18

More news from overseas, and it appears I may have scored...

Quote:

Hi,

I am Single if thats what you want to know, anyway i got this pictures from one of our files in the office here, Where My Boss, Mr Walter Mothersbaugh, and Mr Udunka where talking business at an evening cocktail party in washington dc.

I believe this will swift things.

I am Fully single and also searching, work does not allow me to socialise that's why i cant find a date, are you interested?

Regards

Susan

It came with a picture of three happy chaps at a cocktail reception, grabbed off the internet somewhere, as I rather thought would happen. I replied...

Quote:

Hi Susan,

Thanks for your email - oh dear, am I that obvious? A very clumsy chat up line by me; I guess that�s my trouble really, I�m sometimes a bit too forward for my own good. Too slow with the small talk and too quick to whack it out on the table.

I�d like to apologise if I�ve offended you, I didn�t mean to get �fresh��. having said that, if you do fancy an evening of cribbage followed by a pork sword supper then do let me know.

Anyway that�s by-the-by I guess. Thanks very much indeed for the photo of Mr Udunka and Mr Mothersbaugh (Is Mr Udunka the one eating the vol-au-vent or the one in the dress?). It certainly looks like a mighty fancy occasion � impressive!

The only thing is (and please don�t hate me) it still doesn�t quite allay my concerns. The thing is I have no idea if this is a picture of a real Briscoe event or not! I�m sorry if I sound horribly doubtful but this is a I huge lot of money I�m about to send off and I do really need to be absolutely certain.

So on that front, can I trade on your good nature and ask for one last thing � and I promise it will absolutely be the last thing I ask! Can someone at Briscoe send me a picture of someone at the company which I can be sure has been taken now, just for me. The best way to do this is for the picture to be of someone with a message � for someone to hold a sign with the words SWEAT SAY PAY THE MIN WAGE (It�s a song I used to sing as a boy!). If you can send that then I�ll know you�ve done it absolutely just for me and it�s a real bona fide company person I�m sending this �3500 to.

I know this is an awful fag (and I�m not talking Mr Udunka here) but if you can do this then it will absolutely end all my doubts and I can send the money. As soon as the picture arrives I promise I�ll wire all the money over absolutely immediately. To be honest I don�t like hanging on to cash that doesn�t belong to me so it�ll be a relief to pass it on!

You can email the picture like you did before. It�s really important though that I can clearly read all the words so I can be sure you have done it specifically for me � spell them out in big black letters on a white card so I can read it clearly (my eyes are not good, must be all that wrist aerobics). And no bad spelling now or Teacher�s going to have to get spanky! (sorry, bad taste).

If you can do this today then I can get down to the bank before they close. I was sorry to hear work means you can�t get out to socialise � does Briscoe have a Rotary club or a Spearmint Rhino maybe?

Lots of love

XXX

I fancy that pic, for a campaign I'm running.

Quote:

Hi
Our Scanner has a little problem please bear with us we will send it to you by friday morning.
But you should know we are a genuine company and Mr Evan Udunka is for real okay?
so i suggest you send the money to him because he is runing out of patience, i hope you undertand he says he has been keeping this good for us for a while now but people are coming to buy it but because of the business relationship he doesnt want to sell it out but he is giving us 24 hours to facilitate his payment then he could be sure to send the goods to us immediately.
Please get back to me with the MTCN number so i can keep for records.
thanks
Susan

Scanner eh? Looks like he/she's shaping up to send me some ghastly photoshopped thing. And while it would be fun to see how that might turn out, I really fancy getting a good avatar pic out of all this, so I'm going to cut off that little avenue of joy...

Quote:

Hey Suze!

Friday morning will be absolutely no prob. And hey babe - don't fret, it isn't you I don't trust - or even Mr Udunka (despite being a bender) - it's those fuckers on the Briscoe Twelth Floor. I know these big Corporation types - squeezing the poor bloody infantry while they swan around in Jags eating lobster and shafting their secretaries. Wouldn't surprise me if there are a few con-artists amongst that lot!

And talking of Head Office, if it is them whose sorting out the photo can you tell them it must be a proper one - of a person with a clearly readable sign. I don't want to be palmed off with some shite Photoshop knock-up by some rat faced bint in Personnel.

Anyway - looks like tomorrow is Pay Day - Whoopie!

Loads of love and snogs

XXX

oh and PS - can I apologise for being so forward in my last email. I have to admit I'd had a couple of Tia Marias and was feeling a bit frisky. There's no way a beautiful young filly like you would be seen dead with a slobbering halfwit like me. I'm sorry - I feel such a fool.

Well that caused some headscratching over in Nigeria, and a different approach...

Quote:

I Was expecting our boss to accept what you said but all he said about the Picture was "THIS LOOKS SO STUPID, TELL HIM TO HELP US OR NOT" Lucky for you have made us lost our stock, we will have to order another one and that i know will take a long time, i guess Briscoe Corp. is not happy with you at all.
Write me back because you will be receiving a replacement check by monday. As soon as you do just email me and also tell Juan to email me because a check will be made out in his name soon.
Thanks
Susan

PLEASE SEND ME YOUR PHONE NUMBER SO I CAN CALL YOU

.

The last sentence in 24 point Helvetica Bold. Oh dear, looks like I'm in trouble.

I've replied.

Quote:

Hi Suze,

Oh shit - what have I done? Now I have Corporate on my case. Your boss (and mine I guess) seems like a real hard ass son of a bitch. I could hardly sleep last night, thinking it might be P45 time and here we go again back to Endemol on nights.

Look, let me be straight with you. It's only fair after you've been so honest with me. It's not me who's sticking out on this picture thing, it's mummy. All I keep getting is "check the credentials" "check the credentials" "check the credentials". Morning, noon and night. On and on and on, in my ear all day, in my head, I can't escape.

It makes me want to stove her bloody head in with a shovel like Billy Watson did to his old dear.

Anyway I didn't tell you all this as I didn't want you to have me down as some kind of mummy's boy. Heaven knows there are enough shirt lifters at Briscoe already, what with Mr Udunka and his lot.

The long and short of it is though that I must have that photo, exactly as specified by my mum. If I don't get it, I can't send the cash (and the bitch would cut me off without a penny if not, and she's got a fair few of those I can tell you).

Please, please just send it - to be honest, as long as he's holding the sign it can be a picture of the fucking milkman if necessary. The dribbling old sow won't tell the difference in her state.

I know this is grief, and that it will more than likely affect all our year ends (and heaven knows I need a bonus more than most this year) but as soon as you send it I will go straight down to the bank and wire over the �3500.

I have to admit that when your email didn't arrive yesterday I spread all the money out over the bed and rolled around in it a bit. And I have to say, it's a fuck lot of cash. Heaven's knows, in some countries you could buy a house with that kind of moolah. Not where you are of course, but given the state of the dollar at the moment it would go a long way towards a Miami beach front gazebo.

So look, I have the cash in my hand, I have my coat and hat on and I'm ready to go down to the bank as soon that photo arrives. Just send it and the money will be in your account within the hour.

I hope you can.

Love and sex

XX

Oh and please try and calm your boss down. He sounds very uptight - maybe he needs a shag. Don't say I said that.

Oh the dilemma - cash/photo, photo/cash. He can smell those greenbacks, will he bite...?

And the latest...

Quote:

Hi,
I know you have to do this but i want to help our company, and my boss is freaking out ,
Please i dont wanna loose my job here, i will try to see what i can do about the picture, the one i've
got was seized by my Boss if nt i would've sent it to you, i will have to talk to our engineer so he will snap the picture again secretly and please dont talk about my company like that way,
We are just trying to be ourself, you are trying to help us does not mean you will have to be controling us, i guess that what my boss means, so dont get him wrong.
I will do all i can to get that picture ready by monday or tuesday.
Thanks
Susan

Posted: Tue Jan 16, 2007 5:06 am

I'm on pins and needles! Golly!!! what'd old Sue say?

Posted: Tue Jan 16, 2007 7:36 am

Can't wait to see where this goes!

"Hair: Normal" made me laugh aloud. Which doesn't happen that often. Very Happy

Posted: Wed Jan 17, 2007 7:24 am

I don't have too much time just now to appreciate other baiters work. but this is great stuff. I'll be keeping an eye on the thread to see how it develops. Cheers.

GomerPyle

Hello I'm New here! Joined: 30 Dec 2006 Posts: 18

Why thank you all. Well there's more!

Quote:

Ok Babe,

And hey - chill sis, I ain't meaning 2 diss the company; nuff respec to Briscoe in da house OK?

And wow, I don't want you to lose your job! Christ, if you go down, I'll go down. On you probably, you know what I'm saying? And let's face it, neither of us want that.

And I won't say anything mean about your boss any more either...he sounds like the kinda feller who might read your emails...am I on the right track here Suze?? . And if that is the case then can I say I've got the deepest respect for him and all his work and I'm sure he's fair, honest, just and good. And probably hung like a horse as well.

I have great hopes we can sort this now! As soon as the picture arrives I'm headed to that bank with my wallet fuull of fivers!

Squidgy love

xx

What on earth will arrive in my Inbox next - if indeed anything?

As far as International Master criminals are concerned, I'm thinking this one is a bit of a thicko...

Then this -

Quote:

Hi Pat
Here is the picture you asked for.
Read it and Reply me again.
thanks
Susan

It came with a picture of a scared looking chap in a kitchen, clutching a sign with the words I asked for (a campaign thing I'm running).

I replied of course -

Quote:

Dear Sue,

Well, as the actress said to the bishop, that�s a relief! Thanks very much for the photo � fuck me though, I didn�t mean literally one of the milkman! He looks proper scared � what did you say to him?!

Anyway I can�t hang around � I�m off to the bank! Give me about an hour (it�s on the High Street and a nightmare to get parking � even with my Disabled badge) and it should arrive in your account. It�s �3500, hope I�ve got that right � let me know if that�s not right and I�ll go back and send more.

We�re in business!

Lots of kisses

Cut to Nigeria, man pacing excitedly up and down his living room - nearly rich, nearly rich, nearly rich...

Quote:

Hi,
I am Waiting for the transfer information immediately.
Thanks
Susan

Keep him waiting...

Quote:

Hi, i was suppose to get the information from you tdoay whats happennig?
i have done all you asked
Reple me now.

and, an hour later,

Quote:

Hi,
I have sent you the pictiure through my yahoo address ([email protected]) which you have acknwledged, please i am waiting for mr udunka's money information.
Regards.
Susan

Oh dear. It does seem like he's anxious to know when he's getting the money.

I'd better reply immediately, don't want him worrying...

...or maybe I'll have a cup of coffee first...

A day later I get round to replying -

Quote:

Hi Suze!

Blimey, what a day! First the Magimix breaks down then I get Readers' Digest calling me up (do I want a subscription, no I do not thank you very much!) and then Jason makes a huge sticky mess all over the lounge floor (teenage hormones � who�d have em?). All that as I was just heading down to the bank to wire over your cash!

Anyway I was finally absolutely 100% ready to go - slacks on, shoes on, hat on - when I noticed I�d got an email. I thought I�d better check it, being as it might be from you. But no�

Apologies for boring you with this but I do need to tell you what his email is about as it affects the cash I�m sending you. It was a letter from a "Mr Umbongo" and what he wrote was pretty moving I can tell you. I actually had to sit down and (I�ll be honest) I did have a bit of a unmanly blub into my hankie.

What he said was that he is from Nigeria (isn�t that where Mr Udunka�s from?) and he has cancer and only got a few weeks to live. The reason he was contacting me is that he wants to give away all his money and he wanted me to help! He said he would send the money on and then for me to then send it out to deserving causes he has lined up (and I get to keep a bit for myself as well � quite a lot actually!).

The reason I didn�t then go down to the bank is that he wants me to send him some of the money immediately as an advance payment - right now, to get the ball rolling as it were. So I wondered whether I could send this first wodge of cash to him instead and make up the difference when I get your next payment? A sort of advance on my wages? It would be a kind of charity thing so I wondered whether it could be part of Briscoe's �Give as You Earn� scheme? Do you have a payroll giving set up?

Anyway let me know � I don�t want to keep this chap hanging on, heaven�s knows he may just snuff it in the interim.

Meanwhile I�d better get back to Jason, he�s bothering the cat again.

Best wishes

XXX

I thought that might be the end of it but no, he takes it straight in the chin and comes right back for more...

Quote:

Dear Pat.
Good to hear from you, this shows me you are a nice man, i am very proud of you.
Very importantly, do not in anyway associate with any-other person or send money to any body in Nigeria except from Mr Evan Udunka because we dont know about anyone in nigeria apart from Mr Udunka, We introduced Mr Udunka into this because he is the one who supplies us materails to work here in the States, we do not know anything about that any Mr Umbongo, i advise you to send the 3500 Pounds to Udunka immediately and also call mr Udunka immediately you read this email, so that he will not be anxious to sell our stocks out to someone else. Mr Udunka is a tested and trusted person almost all our workers loves him so DONT SEND TO MR UMBONGO BECAUSE YOU NEVER CAN TELL.
Best Regards.
Susan
NOTE: Drop me your Phone number so i can give you a call.

I replied -

Quote:

Hi Babe!

Good to hear from you too! And awww - thank you for saying I'm nice. I�m touched�and dare I say, do I sense the old magic returning between us?

Right, first of all; Umbongo. You know what, I think you're right. Man�s a fucking liar. No question.

To be honest I was a bit suspicious from the start - apart from anything, that is so a made up name. Umbongo??? Umbongo my arse. And this whole �I send you money and you send some back� nonsense! iIt has to be a fraud - is anyone really stupid enough to fall for shit like that? If they are they deserve what they get!!

Anyway back to business - this money I need to send you. I did go to the bank yesterday after all but bad news, there was a bit of an issue with the staff there. Turns out they won�t serve me after the bother I had when I last went in with your cheque. Turns out the dickbrain at the front desk didn�t take too kindly to my suggestion about where to put his clipboard. The Listening bank? Yeh, right mate.

But look it�s not a problem as I have the cash at home and now I have a brilliant plan�

I�m coming to Nigeria!!

I know!! Genius eh?!!! I�ve packed an overnight valise and I�m looking at flights - I reckon if I make all the connections I could probably get there by midweek. Obviously I�ve got a million questions � which terminal is it, how will I recognise Udunka, do they sell vaseline at Duty Free? (I�m guessing you might come along so best be prepared, know what I'm saying?!)?

But look, all that can wait for now - tell Udunka to clear his diary and book us in to the best lap dancing club in Abuja (my treat!),

I�m on my way sugar!!

Love and rubs

XXX

PS These �materials� Mr Udunka supplies, just so I�m clear, is it skunk?

But apparently Susan's not keen on me hotfooting it over...

Quote:

Dear Pat.
What is the need to go to Nigeria, i think there is no need rfor it, i guess you should just go to this address and send it to him
DALES NEWS
87 VICTORIA STREET
LONDON,GREATER LONDON ,SW1H0HW

As soon as you do that Call him to notify him, remember you said if i send that picture to you it will be last thing that will hold the transfer thanks
Susan

I got right back -

Quote:

To be honest Sue I trust places like that as far as I could throw them. SW1 is a well dodgy area - full of whores, crooks and vicars. Trust me, the best way is for me to deliver it myself.

So that's confirmed, I'm headed down Nigeria Way! I've checked the flight situation and it's all cool for a midweek touchdown (time of arrival TBA). The only outstanding query (except Udunka himself of course) is whether I go Club or First. And to hell with it, I'm going to make it First! Who knows, that Jade Goody could be in Club - let's face it, she's likely to be on the first flight out of here come 10.30 tonight and I don't fancy being wedged in next to her sweaty kebab for a 12 hour flight!

Mind you, not sure she'd go to Nigeria though, all things considering...

Get the rice and peas on sister, Daddy's coming to tea!

Pat

Alltogethernow! "Woah, I'm going to Nigeria, Woah in the sunny Caribbean Sea!!" er, it is the Caribbean right...?

And that's where we are so far! Over to you Susie...

Hello I'm New here! Joined: 30 Dec 2006 Posts: 18

More from Nigeria - and hold on to your hats, this starts to get a bit surreal...

(And just tell me this, have I not hooked the most stupid scammer in the whole of Nigeria...

Harsh words arrive -

Quote:

Subject Line: I am Highly disappointed

Dear Pat,

I am Disappointed at you after makking me go beyond my boss instruction, there are so many places that you could go send the money to him. Anyway,If you dont wanna send him the money then pls let me know,So i will tell mr udunka to sell out the stocks on monday, he called me and said he is selling it out on tuesday if he dont get the money by monday or tuesday morning.

Thanks for making Briscoe Corp loose this stocks, please tell Juan to contact me cause a check has been sent to him and i need to be updated.

Regards

Susan

I replied -

Quote:

Dear Sue,

I received your email an hour ago. The words you wrote were hard; hard and cruel.

I felt sick. Sick to the core. Vomity upchucky burpy barfy sick. In fact I did one of those half retchy things that makes the back of your throat go all sore.

Of course I want to send you the money!! How could you doubt me? The reason I suggested flying to Nigeria were because I didn't want any mistakes - any problems with handing the money over.

And God, yes I admit it, it was partly to see you.

Can you blame me? I am a man after all; a flesh and blood, slightly podgy beast of a man. And I wanted to share this thing that's grown between us. This huge thing.

And now I feel so foolish, so crazy. God I feel like walking to the end of a pier and letting the stormy wind blow through my hair in a kind of moody filmic way.

So OK Sue, this is the bottom line. I'm going out right now to find a place from which I can send this money. It belongs to you, to Briscoe, to Mrs Udunka.

But before I go, I've got to know. Know that there is some hope, know that you feel something of what I feel between us. Can you feel it too? Please tell me you can.

If you can, I'll do whatever it takes, I'll trudge the streets of London and I'll find me a bank. Even if it's rainy and dramatic and squally out there and I have to wear my Kagool .

Just tell me what you feel in your heart, that's all.

I need to know.

love

Pat

PS I have asked Juan to get in touch. He will write to you. He tells me he's keen to get stuck in too.

Does he want the money that bad...? Meanwhile Juan writes...

Quote:

Dear Miss Goldenberg,

Please to meet. Pat introduce you to me. He say he have boomson with you but I no believe.

I not good English but am pleased to serve you munificently.

Aubergine

Juan

The reply -

Quote:

Hi Juan.
Bad you dont know how to write english, i would like to know i am aware that you have gotten a check of 1250 Pounds, send me your number, if you have gotten the check please take it to the bank immediately and cash it and i ill give you information to send the money to me.
thanks
Susan

Juan responds -

Quote:

Ola Miss Goldenberg,

Bad indeed English I no speak goodly. Still, we manage eh? As you say I have �gotten the check�. Now I wait your further instructions.

My friend Pat, please to be kind and loving to him. He is - how you say - �special�. He has needs. Be gentle with him, show him that you love. He has written all the details about your transaction on a piece of paper which he keeps with him always.

I think frankly he a little fucked in the head - but he will do as you say.

As we say in my country � man who be big downstairs, he also man with small brain.

Shalom.

Juan

And Susan's reply to Pat...

Quote:

Dear Pat.
I am sorry that my words were Hard and Cruel, I just wanted to Pour my mind out in that email i sent you.
I have assured you that you dont have any problem if you send that money to Mr. Evan Udunka; I actually cannot say what i feel, i feel so open to you like we have some relationships going on, but before we discuss pleasure i want you take the responsibility of making sure that those Stocks are not sold to someone else, I want you to call Mr Udunka on his number +234-805-5313-608 now as you read this email because he is very angry at the moment, i called him and he was cruel to me on the phone i was really let down because of this situation, I have told him to relax that he will get the money on Monday morning, Please Pat, Dont Disappoint me in this, make sure it is sent tomorrow
I Await the Western union infos tomorrow morning your time.
Love You
Susan

I then rang Mr Udunka. Strangely he didn't seem to know who he was till I introduced myself. We had a lovely chat.

I wrote back to Susan...

Quote:

Dear Susan,

I have just spoken with Mr Udunka and me and him are groovy now. I told him I would send the cash straight over, but I also gave him a severe ticking off for being nasty to you. Oh yes, he felt the rough edge of my tongue alright, that I can assure you � I gave it to him good and hard (I was very firm) and I don�t think that was the first time for him.

As I say I do want to send you the money, God knows I do. But I must be sure of your feelings first. You have touched me in all sorts of places but I must know that I have touched you. In a special way. Touchy touchy, feely rubby love muffin.

You say you want to deal with the transaction first, but for me I must always talk pleasure before business. Think of it as a kind of foreplay.

So please assure me � can you feel the love within? Don�t be shy now.

Love

Pat

PS Did I hear livestock in the background when I spoke to Udunka?. Is there something going on there? To be honest that 's not strictly legal in my country (even though we all do it). I should be careful if I were he�

Word back for Juan -

Quote:

Hi Juan,
Please Take the check to a check cashing point in London there, and as soon as you get the cash at hand email me and i will tell you what to do. Please Drop me your phone number.
And also tell Pat that i am waiting.
Susan

Juan replies -

Quote:

Dear Susan,

This will be not a problem for me, I shall proceed yea verily.

With regards to Mr Pat, if he no send you the cash would you like me to get the details and do the transfer for him?

As they say in my country; the dog that wee-wees on the train track he get big surprise when electric rail is on.

Balalaika

Juan.

The next day Pat gets one -

Quote:

Dear Pat,

I was suppose to receive the transfer information this morning,instead i saw a message that just changed me.

You have made me a very patient person, actually i dont like people wo dont stick to there words ( i am not refering to you lol..) but since i got to be related to you,you have made me calm and patient, that is one of the greatest thing that could happen to mankind (Change), But Pat, you know it is suppose to be Business before Pleasure as the phrase goes, fine i promise as soon as this is done, i will write a letter to my boss Mr Mothersbaugh to give me a vacation for 2 weeks and i might get the chance to meet you then, that is if you accept. But we have to conclude this so that my boss will be proud of me and also approve my vacation immediately because of my good work, my boss likes people who are good minded and focused in life.
Finally, i hope this will be the last time i will talk about Mr Udunka's Money.
Thanks for being there for me always,
I shall be expecting the informations later today.
God Bless.
Susan

Which I reply to -

Quote:

2 weeks? You and me? L O fucking L indeed! It shouldn't take that long for me and you to cement our relationship I can tell you! In fact that ole mixer's been churning up some pretty fine mortar for the last few weeks and Uncle Paddy's ready to lay it on thick and damn proper! I simply cannot wait (no really I can't, but don't worry there's plenty of the old love batter to go around).

I tell you what Susie, this is going to be the best two weeks you've ever had. Hey, maybe Mr Udunka would like to come too?? I've just got the Will and Grace box set (right up his street) and buses to Clapham Common leave hourly from my stop.

But - business first as you say, I'm now going straight over to Juan's house and then we're both headed to his bank to wire over the dosh. Expect it within the hour!

love

Bunny Paddykins

PS Do you think Mr Mothersbaugh would like to come over too? Mother is aching to do Eastbourne again this year and she could do with "the company".

And meanwhile Juan also hears back, he liked that idea of Juan getting the cash from Pat...

Quote:

Dear Juan.
If you can collect Pat's Money from him and send it to Mr. Udunka, then please do that today,And as soon as you get yours please update me? have you cashed Yours?
Please Update,

Susan

A couple of hours later, Juan replies...

Quote:

Dear Susan,

Thank you for reply. As agreed I am getting money from Pat. He now chained to bed and I put his pee-pee in a clamp. However he still no say where money is.

Should I work on him some more or just go to bank and send my bit?

Please advise.

Juan

...which produced this to Pat -

Quote:

Dear Pat.
I will be waiting for the info's now, i am online.
Susan

...and this to Juan -

Quote:

Go and send yours and when you get back send me the informations and also collect money from Pat and send it to me today.
Thanks
Susan

A bit heartless! Juan replies -

Quote:

But I worry if I leave he escape and tell. I no want old bill to find and for me the back to Broadmoor thing. Pat he no say where money, just squeal like bitch. You want I start on softer bits?

The reply -

Quote:

Juan,
Send all the Bits to me now okay?
As soon as you send it please send me the infos.
susan

What does she mean?! I reply -

Quote:

The Bits? Of Pat? You sure?

Which ends correspondence for the day! 24 hours later I get this -

Quote:

Pat.
What is wrong,youare breaking my heart pat,dont hurt me anymore dont make me feel angry, please i beg you.
Go and send the money Mr Udunka,if you dont want to send it please tell me.
Thanks Susan

Replied -

Quote:

Dear Susan

I�m sorry I haven�t been able to get back to you. I�ve been a bit tied up.

I will send the money � definitely. It�s just that I�m going to find it a trifle difficult to get around for a bit. Please be patient, I'll email when the bandages are off, should be a couple of days...

Sorry must go, doctor�s at the door.

Cuddles

Pat

Juan also gets an email -

Quote:

Hey Juan.
what is delaying the money?go and Send yours immediately through western union money transfer and i will get in touch with Pat about his.

Receivers Name: Mr Evan Udunka
Receivers Location: Lagos Nigeria
Text Question: what is the Name of my Car?
Text Answer: Mercedes Benz
MTCN:
Senders Name:
Senders Location:
Amount Sent:

As soon as you send it send me all this details above

Thanks
Susan

I didn't reply... Then a couple of days later Pat gets this -

Quote:

Hi, Pat
This is Bad, how many minutes will it take you to go to the bank and send the money to Evan Udunka, Please he is running out of patience.
i will wait before this week runs out.
Please Dont make me be like a looser to evan udunka.
Regards.
Susan

Pat replies -

Quote:

Hi Susan,

I�ve just goten your omail. Apologies for the sp[ellinhg but I am having some difficulty tydxping with my hands in theese banf=dages. The Pethedrine has also kjust kicked in whsich is making me kind of giddy.

I hav e to tell you I hads a bit of an inciodent with Juan yesterday . I was on the way to the bank to send your money and stopped off at his. Before \I knew it he�;d manackled me to his bed and was doingh all kinds of things to the crown jewels. I ye;lled at him to stop but he kept sayinhg he haqd been told to get Mr Udunka�s money out of me and to send it on to you. He got pretty excitable I can tell you but I didn�t tell him - are you proud of me?

The police came and dragged hi off but not before he�d done a fair bit of damage. As a result I think we may have to rethink our plans for your twop week viusit as I don�t think Tony the Tiger wil be coiming out to play fopr a while. Neven mind, they�ll still be plenty to do and in any case we�d have to be on hand to wipe down Mother (unl;ess Mr Mothersbaugh is happy to take that on?).

One things for saure though, if I find out which motherfucker halfwit told Juan to do all this to me I�m goiong to find that *DELETED* and get pretty fucking mediaeval on his aarse. That, I can tell you, is for damn sure!

Anyway look I swear to God I will get down to that bank as soon as I possibly can even if it means dragging my withered cadaver there on ragged bleeding stumps.

Qwsedc 135 4y6h3 y3u7gyhtjn i6uwq cer5t2456 753

Sorry, I just passed out onto the keyuboatd. I�d better go. I�ll email you tromorrow and let you know when it will arrive.

Carnally,

Pattypops

Susan also writes to Juan -

Quote:

Juan,
Why have'nt you sent the comoany's money with you, do you want to keep the companies money? dont let me report this case to the proper authorty, i give you only today to send the money.
Regards
susan

Juan doesn't reply, but a day letter his "solicitors" do -

Quote:

Dear Ms Goldenberg,

I am writing to you on behalf of my client, Mr Juan Bonevryminit of 3, Minesatea Close, Runners' Bottom, Kent.

Mr Bonevryminit is currently being held in a secure unit just outside Clacton as the result of an incident at his home earlier this week, however he has asked me to write to you concerning a sum of money that he tells me is owed to you. Mr Bonevryminit is very anxious that this money be forwarded on to you as soon as possible and has asked me to contact you to this end.

I should point out that while Mr Bonevryminit is unable to contact you personally (he is currently bouncing round the yard on a Space Hopper dressed as a moth), he has officially authorised me to deal on his behalf and, as he is technically mens sana, I am obliged to follow his instructions.

I would therefore be grateful if you would advise me as to the exact amount that Mr Bonevryminit currently owes you so that this sum can be paid over without delay. Please be aware that there will be some deductions for costs but, subject to your guidance on the amount, payment will be made within the next two days.

In terms of this money I have, after reading your correspondence, pointed out to Mr Bonevryminit that it is very likely you are nothing less than a cheating, lying, weaselly shitforbrains who deserves little more than a well aimed boot to the knackers, however I find I am ultimately bound by client responsibility to honour Mr Bonevryminit's wishes (cf Bodger versus Badger 1987).

As such I would be grateful if you would inform me how much is owed to you so I can remit the correct amount without delay.

I await your instructions,

Yours truly

Mrs E Goggins
Bellwether Needham and McVay
Solicitors to the Unhinge

d

Will he bite...? Oh yes! -

Quote:

Mrs E Goggins,

I want you to know that you dont have to refer to me that way, because you dont know what i have with Mr Juan. Mr Juan is owing me the sum of 1250 GBP, i guess the cost of transfer will not be up to 50 pounds, so i want the money sent out to our client immediately.

He was suppose to send this money since some days now until now i heard this news, he was suppose to send to Mr udunka In nigeria who happens to be our company's supplier of raw materials.
Here is Mr Evan's information .

Receivers Name: Mr evan udunka.
Receivers Location:Lagos Nigeria,
Text Question: Colour?
Text Answer: White
MTCN: ..............................
Senders Name....................................
Senders Address.............................................

Deduct the cost of transfer from the money and tell me how much is left which is suppose to be what you sent to Mr Udunka.

Copy me all this payment details for my records, do this without delay.
And please send my regards to Mr Juan.

Regards
Susan Goldenberg

And the solicitors reply -

Quote:

Dear Goldenberg,

Thank you for your email of the 26th inst.

I can advise you that the account details have now passed through our auditors and the balance is now ready for payment. I have detailed the various deductions below and would be grateful if you can confirm the sums so that payment can be arranged.

Account: Juan Bonevryminit/Mr Evan Udunka, for payment of raw materials (all sums including VAT)

Sum owed: �1250
Costs: (see detail below) �1224

Balance to pay: �26

Detail of costs
Accountancy �940
Waiting time �22
Orthographic corrections of incoming correspondence �50
Crew overtime, non-buyout (includes �10 for small bottle of Scotch for the spark) �148
Audit Committee catering; Sandwiches (assorted egg and cress), one half-bottle of Krug, mixed Haribo (3 bags) �54
Quod erat demonstrandum ipso facto Mappa Mundi (various chargeable solicitors� Latin) �10 (ibid)

This sum of money is now available for remittance pending your confirmation. Please also confirm whether you would like a receipt (Please note that Green Shield Stamps are no longer given on bills less than �2000).

I look forward to hearing from you

Best regards

E Goggins (Mrs)

PS I have passed your regards on to Mr Juan as requested. He says �Wibble�.

And that's it! So far...

Hello I'm New here! Joined: 30 Dec 2006 Posts: 18

Haven't had time to update this for a bit, but it has now moved into different realms!

I'll post it up when I can but believe me, this man is a persistent bugger! (if a trifle dense...)

Hello I'm New here! Joined: 30 Dec 2006 Posts: 18

Right, here's how it's gone since the last posting. The last email produced this response -

Quote:

Dear,
What are you trying to do, are you joking with me or what? All those calculations are wrong, the money is supposed to be about 1200 GBP you are suppose to send, i think the Cost of transaction will be 50 pounds, So you are suppose to send 1200 Pounds and nothing less.Are you trying to say the money you will send will be 26 pounds or what? dont joke with me, Transfer the money through western union money transfer, that is fast and easy.
Regards
NOTE: Send me your phone number.
Susan

Followed, a few hours later, by this -

Quote:

Were is the info of the transfer?

The solicitors reply -

Quote:

Dear Goldenberg,

Thank you for your letter. With reference to your first point ("joking with me or what") I can assure you that the partners of Bellwether, Needham and McVay are not in the habit of engaging in moments of jocular merriment on behalf of their client.

As a result of your enquiry however I have asked our auditors to go through the figures. As a result of their investigations I can confirm that the calculations are indeed correct in all respects but one and that is that, having reconciled the float, they believe we might have overestimated the sum we paid for "mixed Haribo, three bags". It appears that such comestibles are available at a slightly discounted price via 'Big Bubba's Sweetie Emporium' and that we should have obtained the items from that establishment instead of purchasing them at Harrods.

In light of this, the partners have authorised the addition of �0.75 to the balance owed. This sum has been added to the previously notified amount - the balance now stands at �26.75 and is available for distribution pending your acceptance.

I would be grateful if you would confirm these figures so I may authorise immediate payment.

Kind regards

Goggins, E (Mrs)

From him to solicitors:

Quote:

Dear Evadne Goggins.
I want you to know that the money you are suppose to send is 1200 pounds and you should know that any thing you bought or whatever you calculated that made the available balance be 26.75 pounds is non of my business, i did not ask Juan to make any expenses, So i want to let you know that if this money is not sent to mr Udunka by tuesday morning then i guess i have to take my report to the proper authorities, i told Juan i was gonna do this if he does not send the money. Go to a western union money tranfer office and send the 1200 GBP before tuesday or i'll take my next step.
please don't play with me because i hate it when i am serious.

Susan

From solicitors to him:

Quote:

Dear Mrs Goldenberg,

Thank you for your email - apologies for the delay in replying, Mr Goggins and I were at Kaballah.

I am sorry to hear that you are unhappy about the cost calculations on your account. I am not quite sure what can be done about this - I can assure you that running a solicitor's office in Mayfair doesn't come cheap what with the rent and the rates and of course Mr McVay's snow habit. I have asked Mr Bonevryminit if he could guide me on this but as he currently believes himself to be Dorothy Lamour he was not able to offer much useful assistance.

However I am concerned that this has caused you some distress and the partners and I are eager to resolve this issue. To this end I have been authorised to make you a final, improved offer of �47, being as they had a little good fortune at Haydock Park over the weekend. Please understand however that this is a full and final offer.

I would be grateful if you would confirm acceptance of this and I will authorise payment.

Kind Regards

Mrs Evadne Goggins

Which produced -

Quote:

My Money is 1200 GBP.
I have reported the case to the FBI and i am sure the will be contacting you soon.
It is eiher have my 1200 gbp or face it.
Nothing More till i get the money.

Which is when I thought I'd probably just finish it off with a last jolly blast -

Now you lissen up sister,

Quote:

You put the feds on us and me and old man Goggins we�s gonna get the boyz on you and bust yoh sorry ass. We�s got ourselves some mean dudes from down Clacton British Legion who�s got themselves some alooominium zimmer frames. And believe me those sons of bitches knows how to use em.

Now dya wanna the 48 notes or is me and the homies gonna have to smoke it?

Kind regards

Evadne Goggins (Mrs)

But then I just couldn't resist reeling him back in...

Quote:

Dear Ms Goldenberg,

I apologise if you just received an email apparently from me. Someone just broke into the office and started fooling around with all the equipment.

In response to your last email, I want you to have this money which is outstanding to you - please would you confirm you will accept it?

Many thanks

Goggins

And he bit (I can make this bitch dance whenever I want)

Quote:

Okay,
Where is the MTCN, Pleease i need it soon
Regards

Quote:

Dear Ms Goldenberg,

Thank you for your reply. It would be good to have this matter finally resolved. I need you however to confirm that you are accepting the payment of �47 as full and final payment of the sum owed to you.

Please do this by return,

Many thanks

Goggins, E.

Quote:

Dear Mrs. Goggins.
Please can you come on any chat so we could talk this over, if you are on yahoo my id [email protected] please add me now.
and lets talk, and let me explain futher

Bollocks to that, I replied -

Quote:

Dear Susan,

I am afraid that the company does not hold a yahoo account but would be happy to engage in discussions via "Twocansonastring".

Do you have that set up at your end?

Best wishes

Goggins

Which is when..the FBI stepped in! My next email had the big FBI crest at the top and apparently came from a Mr Steven Allison -

Quote:

Dear Evadne Goggins,

In respect of the report sent to us via fax this morning from Ms Susan Goldenberg of Briscoe Corporation here in Washington, we have decided to contact you to hear your own part of the story. She sent a report to us that your client Mr. Juan Bonevryminit was sent a check from one of the companies debtor in the UK, and the agreement was as soon as the check clears then some part of the money will be forwarded to the company, but due to some reasons the money was later set out for Nigeria to Mr. Udunka, till this very moment the money has not been sent, Right now Ms. Susan believes that Mr. Juan wants to scam the company and then brought the case to us.

But before we take actions we want you to email us back with your own side of the story, but if by tomorrow we do not receive any reply from you we will be forced to forward this case to our office in London.

We await your kind reply.

Yours faithfully,
Steven Allison
Federal Bureau of Investigation - FBI
935 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW, Room 3220
Washington, DC 20535
Phone: (202) 283-5817

A fine turn of events! I love this man's work!

I replied of course -

Quote:

Dear Steven Allison (any relation to Malcolm?),

Thank you for your email which we received this morning. I can tell you that its arrival did result in considerable disquiet in the office, causing one of the girls in the typing pool to become quite hysterical. Mrs Needham had to give her several quite hard slaps to the face to get her to calm down and it was only when Mr Bellwether offered to knee her in the groin that she recovered her composure. However we are all much calmer now, and eager to resolve this matter.

First can I assure you that Bellwether, Needham and McVay are not at all used to receiving communications from the US Federal Bureau of Investigations and are somewhat concerned at this turn of events. We believe that the situation between Mr Boneveryminit and the Briscoe Corporation has now been sorted and that there is no further need for you to be involved. However if you do need any more assistance to resolve this matter we will of course do all that we can. In fact Mrs Needham has just said to me that, if you do want to send over a couple of officers to go through her drawers, she would be more than pleased to show them where everything is. Any time, day or night (best to make an appointment though as she does get quite booked up).

I hope this leaves things to your satisfaction, but if I can be any more help do please let me know,

Many thanks

E. Goggins (Special Constable, Whitstable Branch)

PS Can I also let you know that, on the other outstanding matter, I am pleased to inform you that the Philippino house boy has left Mr McVay's house and has now been returned to the orphanage. We have also closed the outstanding lingerie account at Selfridges and have disposed of all the oranges and black bin bags. We understand that the UK police do not intend to press charges and as such we hope that this can be the end the matter. We believe that, for all concerned, it would be best to put this sad situation behind us.

Then Susan got back to me -

Quote:

Dear Mrs Evadne.
Do you have my 1200 GBP ready for dispatch?
Do that immediately.
I Reported the case to the FBI they will do there Job if
i dont get that western union money transfer Infos
today.
Regards

My reply -

Quote:

Dear Ms Goldenberg,

As I have indicated, I have the �47 which can now be paid to you. Please confirm that you are ready to accept this sum as full and final settlement.

I would be grateful if you would do this without delay as Mr McVay is heading off for an appointment at Kings Cross in the next few hours and I can't guarantee the money will be there when I come back from lunch.

Many thanks

Goggy

Which made him not a happy bunny -

Quote:

my mony is 1200 GBP. are you crazy? cant you here how has 1200 turn to 47 GBP
thats crazy

I replied -

Quote:

Dear Ms Goldenberg,

I am sorry to hear that you are disappointed with the service that we offer here at Bellwether, Needham and McVay. It is always our intention to provide a high level of satisfaction in all our dealings and we are always concerned to hear of any instances where customers feel that this has not been the case. Client contentment is something we take very seriously and would always seek to remedy any siutuation where it has not been at the very highest level possible. Please be assured that we value your business and welcome your continued custom, as we do with all our clients.

Best wishes

Goggles

Sorry, what was the question again?

Quote:

Cant you understand the word SEND OUR MONEY OUT TO OUR CLIENT.
I just caled the FBI they said thay have instructed you to send the money in 24 hours
or face the risk of going to Jail.

Quote:

Dear Ms Goldenberg,

Hold on, that's seven words.

Anyway, that's beside the point. We have your money. It is sitting here on the desk right in front of me. I have just touched it! And Mr McVay used one of the notes a couple of moments ago for some business in the stock room.

So do not be concerned about the money, it is ready for dispatch. All I need is for you to tell me that you are accepting this as full and final settlement.

Please do this without delay.

Best wishes

Goggumptious

Which made him try a different approach -

Quote:

Look, if it's 1200 GBP then go and send it right away.
what kind of joke is this, it is getting too expensive.
Why dont you consider that i have tried, my job is on the line here dont you see, you want me to loose my job? i am crying now as i am writing to you, why are you doing ths to me, why? please send the 1200 pounds to mr udunka, my boss is really mad at me now.
God Bless
Susan

Quote:

Dear Susan,

Look dear, please settle down. I didn�t realise you were getting so upset. I want you to promise me you�ll stop all this blubbing nonsense. OK? See - here�s a hanky. Now blow. Good.

That�s better isn�t it?

Now take a moment to compose yourself, get a cloth and wipe the keyboard down and then we�ll have a nice chat about it.

Email me back when you feel a bit better. Goggy�s listening.

Bless.

Evadne.

Quote:

Dear Evadne.
I am Alright now, actually i did not ask anybody to make any expenses, The FBI just called me and i talked to them about it. Please they are (FBI) ready to take strict actions but i dont want it that way, this world is a small place, who knows where we could meet tomorrow,
So all i am saying is that i am suppose to receive a transfer information of 1200 GBP and not 47 GBP please for God sake have mercy on my soul please... And go and transfer 1200 GBP before the Western Union Offices closes in your country.

Quote:

Dear Sue,

This is all about you and this Udunka man isn�t it?

Tell me what happened. Is it something he said? Or did? Was he putting his hand where you didn�t want it to go? Let me guess, there was that time he �forgot� to put it away after going to the lav. Is that what this is all about?

Come on love, you can tell me - I might be able to sort it out if you tell me what happened. Better out than in you know.

Evadne

And meanwhile the discussion with the FBI goes on -

Quote:

Dear Mrs Evadne.

It is our priority that the world is safe and is a better place to live, Since you dont want us to carry on this case we suggest that you send the 1200 GBP to (Mr Evan Udunka) as you were directed by Ms. Susan Goldenberg, failure to do so tomorrow we will take the next step. We give you 24 hours to do that immediately, You must forward all the transfer details to us for verification, Ms Susan Gold has said she has asked the money be sent Via Western Union Money transfer.

I Await information tomorrow.

Regards

Yours faithfully,
Steven Allison
Federal Bureau of Investigation - FBI
935 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW, Room 3220 Washington, DC 20535
Phone: (202) 283-5817

I responded -

Quote:

Dear Mr Allison,

I am very concerned that you appear to have misunderstood my last email. I want nothing more than to resolve this problem between Mr Bonevryminit and the Briscoe Corporation. The issue is that Ms Goldenberg (who is frankly behaving like a bit of an old slapper) seems to be disputing our costs but will not be specific about what she objects to. I have detailed them below and would be grateful if you would find out which lines are a problem to her.

Accountancy �940
Waiting time �22
Orthographic corrections of incoming correspondence �50
Crew overtime (non-buyout) �148 (inc �10 for small bottle of Scotch for spark)
Audit Committee catering; Sandwiches (assorted egg and cress), one half-bottle of Krug, mixed Haribo (3 bags) �54
Quod erat demonstrandum ipso facto Mappa Mundi (various chargeable solicitors' Latin) �10 (ibid)

Best wishes

Mrs Goggins

Incidentally you should be aware that there is some fraudster who is hanging about on the internet and is currently using your name and email address to send out computer viruses. It may well be worth you tracking this person down and giving him some short sharp treatment down at Guantanamo Bay. Please let me know if you need more details.

The Feds� reply �

Quote:

Dear Mrs Evadne.
I called her about this now, but she said that she did not ask you or Mr Juan to make any of those expenses, that the deal with mr Juan is that if he clears the check then the money should be sent out to whoever the company wishes it to be sent to.
Ms Susan, and Briscoes Corp. Are not internet fraudsters or anything they are registered under the Coporate Affairs Commision of the USA so they are credit worthy do deal with.

After much explanation from Ms Susan, i beleive her, I therefore advise you to dispatch her 1200 GBP accordinglly within 24 hours.

We will like to have your Phone # for oral discussion.

Regard

I Await information tomorrow.

Regards

Yours faithfully,
Steven Allison
Federal Bureau of Investigation - FBI
935 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW, Room 3220 Washington, DC 20535
Phone: (202) 283-5817

Quote:

Dear Steve,

Crikey, I never even thought they might be fraudsters � do you think???

The problem with this money thing is that, as solicitors, once we become involved we do have to cover our costs. And as our client is not in the position to make up the balance (now being somewhat less than the full shilling) we have to deduct the money from somewhere. Hence the 1200 notes becoming just 47.

It is all rather tricky - there really doesn�t seem to be much one can do about it, short of trying to involve Mr Juan again. Can we maybe call it quits at 49 quid?

Best wishes

Ev Gog

btw I am afraid I cannot supply my phone number as I am not allowed to do oral in work time.

Quote:

Dear Evadne.
What was your Job, isnt it just to send the money? did you go to court for it, common i am an Agent for the FBI i know all the rules. The last thing i will tell you now is to go and send 1000 pounds to Mr Udunka Without delay now any reply i get now should be the Western union transfer infos and also copy them to Susan.

I want to make this clear go and send 1000 to Mr Udunka and nothing less or i will start track down of your Firm immediatelly.

I am getting impatient, this is jut a simple case.

Can you get me the phone number if the Prison mr Juan is?

Yours faithfully,
Steven Allison
Federal Bureau of Investigation - FBI
935 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW, Room 3220 Washington, DC 20535
Phone: (202) 283-5817

Evadne then replies - with a plan...

Quote:

Dear Steve,

Look, I�ve had an idea. Go and shut the door and check no-one�s listening.

OK?

Right, here�s the plan. How about, instead of us sending a grand to this Udunka geezer, why don�t you and me just split the money half way?.You tell this Goldenberg bitch that you couldn�t get the money and I tell the partners here I had to send it on cos of the FBI getting involved and then we just split the cash down the middle? That way, you�re five hundred up, I�m five hundred up and no-one�s any the wiser..

But look, don�t mention this to anyone else. If it�s cool, I�ll send your half over � but you have to agree I can keep the other chunk. And no word to the Feds. Dig?

Let me know soonest,

Evadne

Ps re Juan � it�s the nuthouse he�s in, not pokey. And they�re not allowed real phones in there, only the foam playset ones.

Meanwhile Susan gets back to Evadne (I hope you're following this!)

Quote:

It is not about Mr Udunka, FBI called me and said you have explained to them why the money is 46 pounds, but it will affect my Job, okay i will accepyt the 1000 gbp the FBi has asked me to collect,
i await the payment info.
Regards

Evadne replies -

Quote:

Hello my dear,

That�s excellent news Susan. But can I get you to hold that thought right there? I am just having a little conversation with Mr Steve from the FBI and we�ree trying to resolve things between us. You just hang on precious while we sort things � OK?

Love

Evadne

And he bit!

Quote:

Dear Evadne.
Okay go and send the 500 GBP to Mr Evan Udunka and send me the Info and i will wait till Mr Juan Gets out.
Regards
A Steven

She replies straight back -

Quote:

Hold on Steve - let's just check we're cool here. The deal is you tell Goldenberg you couldn't get the cash out of us and I tell the people here I had to send it on in full. You also tell your bosses at the FBI that it's all sorted and then we split the cash.

No word to your bosses and I don't tell mine.

Are we sweet - do we have that deal man?

Goggs

Quote:

Dear Evadne.
Just go and send the 500n GBP and i will tell mey boss the truth and no lie, i called Susan now to tell her and she said at least the 500 GBp could be used as a part payment of the Funds owed to Mr Udunka, She said that i should promise you will pay the rest but i asked her to calm down and accept the 500 GBP that will be sent to Mr Udunka.

So i guess there is nothing delaying this money again.

Go and send it now and reply me with the Infos and also copy to Ms Susan.

A Steven.

Jesus, what's so difficult to understand?!

Goggins has replied, trying to get the story straight -

Quote:

No listen man, this Susan bitch mustn't know about this! This is a private deal 'tween you and me. You have to tell her you can't get the cash out of me and she should give up on getting the money. You've got to do it in an email to her and blind copy me so I know you've done it. I'll then also email her to tell her to forget about the money cos we ain't sending it. Then you tell your bosses you couldn't get it, I tell mine I did have to send it and then we can split it!

It's simple - I'm a fucking genius mister! Stone the crows and strike a light we'll do 'em all like a kipper, no mistake!

But I'll only send over the cash if you stick exactly to the plan - I don't wanna get bilked nah y'hear?

And he finally works it out.

Quote:

Dear Evadne.
Okay i accept, but remember the money will be sent only to Mr Udunka, in Nigeria.
So Do that now.
Dont worry about susan i can handle her.
What i want to see in my email is the MTCN now.
Regards
A Steven

Quote:

Ok man,

I will send the cash to Udunka alright. But first I need to be sure we've made everything cool on the Susan front and with your bosses at the FBI. So you need to write to Susan and tell her that she ain't getting the cash - and you've gotta blind copy me in as well as I don't want no double crossing.

Do that now, first.

goggs

And then...!

Quote:

Dear Evadne.
I am Going out for lunch will be back in 1 hour time, be on your Computer.
A Steven

I love the way he gets given a one hour lunch break - sweet!

My reply -

Quote:

You must be mad man! Not while we've got a sizzle on! Get on with it fucker - this sting won't wait for you to fill your face with burgers.

Fuck me. This never happened to Redford and Newman.

And that was it for the day.

More to come...!

Hello I'm New here! Joined: 29 Jan 2007 Posts: 16

I can not wait to hear the out come of this one.. I thought the TWAT pyramid was the "Bomb" but this mugu is just stupid! Oh and the art of how you got the 1200 down to 47 is just amazing. The next thing you know is she does you 3gbp for the western union because there's not enough to send.. lol Laughing

Hello I'm New here! Joined: 30 Dec 2006 Posts: 18

Well here it is minnie! Since I last posted, events took several twists and turns, as you will see...

The next day after I sent my last email -

Quote:

Dear Mrs Goggins.
Please send the money to Mr evan Udunka, i know how to cover you up from there, or better still you call mr Udunka on this number +234-8055-313-608 and tell him you have sent his money,Susan gave me his number, also reply me with all the Transfer Info.
Regards,
A. Steven

Seems like this brainless git hasn't remembered where we are in the story. Do I have to do everything around here?

I have written to remind him -

Quote:

Dear Steve,

I will do that - but first you need to contact Susan as agreed. You have to tell the bitch that you can't get the cash out of me and she should give up on getting the money. Do it in an email to her NOW and blind copy me so I know you've done it.

Then I can send you the badoolies.

Gogg

Susan then also wrote to Pat -

Quote:

Hi Pat,
HOw is your health? how are you feeling now, Are you much better to go and send the money?
or if you cant you could send someone else.
get well
Susan

...who replied, attaching a rather unpleasant picture of his private parts held in a clamp (amazing what pictures you can find on this internet thingy)...

Quote:

Dear Susan,

Many thanks for your kind email which I received a couple of days ago. I�m sorry I didn�t reply at once but having both hands wrapped up in bandages made it quite difficult! In fact I haven�t been able to do much with my fists for quite a while now which is very frustrating.

However there is some good news in that the doctors say that I can be up and about in a couple of days! Apparently this new ointment they�ve got really works wonders so it�s just a matter of draining off the remaining pus and then you can come right over for a cuddle!

The other good news is that I have finally patched things up with Juan. The doctors wheeled me over to see him yesterday and we shook hands and made up. Well, not �shook hands� exactly - but they did let me tug on the tassels of his straightjacket which was nice. He also let me have the pictures he took of the event � all a bit scary I can tell you! I�ve attached one just so you can see what an ordeal it was. Don�t be showing it to all the girls in the office though � don�t want them getting jealous!

Anyway that�s all behind me now - quite literally it would seem, which makes standing at public urinals a bit of a non starter. However the doctors are going to see if they can manoeuvre things around a bit so we shall see � it will certainly make your coming two week visit a bit more interesting (those yoga classes should come in quite useful now - I think 'flexibility' will be very much the order of the day from now on).

Anyway must dash (insofar as dashing is currently an option). Looks like I should be able to get to the bank very soon, and send that money over � blimey, about time eh!

Love and hobbly kisses

Pat

And as instructed, Steve of the FBI then wrote to Susan, copying in Evadne!

Quote:

Dear Susan,

We have tried to collect the money from Evadne Goggins she still insisted on sending 46 GBP but i told her to foget it that you wont collect it and that i will pay on her behalf the sum of 1000 GBP to you so there wont be any trouble.

So i want you to forget about getting any money from her, and i assure you, you will keep your job., i will give you a call as soon as i have the time.

Regards
A. Steven

Evadne reply -

Quote:

Hi Steve,

Sweet mate. Now let me just square it with the bitch myself. Hang loose brother, on the for real side.

Mustard.

The Goggmeister

Old Ma Goggins has never had so much fun - forty years sat behind her desk at a fusty old solicitor's office, at last she gets to do something really crazy!

Incidentally, one slightly puzzling thing - I get emails in from my FBI chum which has as his email address "[email protected]", however I see the return address for emails isn't to him at all, but actually to Susan. How very very strange - almost as if they are one and the same...

Maybe I shouldn't be quite so surprised, I think old "Susan" has demonstrated she hasn't quite got a particularly huge criminal brain.

Anyway, Mrs G now also emails Susan -

Quote:

Hello Susan,

Mrs Goggins of Bellwether, Needham and McVay here. Look my love I'm dreadfully sorry and all that but I can't send you any more than just the �47.

I know you're going to be a bit disappointed about this (and probably have another little weep) but it really is the best thing all round. Me and Steve at the FBI have put our heads together and we just can't see any way round making this work so, as I say, I'm afraid it's a big zippo on the wonga front.

I do hope you understand - please email me back immediately to confirm this, and that you're not too upset and also tell me that your boss won't sack you for grizzling all over the place and that you can keep your job.

Oh and do let me know if you want me to send the �47!

Best love

Goggins

xx

No sooner posted this last offering when FBI Steve sends another email -

Quote:

Dear Goggins,
Go and send the money to Evan Udunka now,
No Jokes anymore.
I am Waiting for the info which i shall call mr udunka
and send it to him.

Regards
A. Steven
FBI

Quote:

Fuck's sake Steve, give me a fucking chance!!! I've just got to square it with the bitch first. As soon as I've heard back that she's cool and won't hassle for the cash no more I'll do it.

Sweet Jesus, you really are a pigshit impatient tosser.

Best regards

Evadne

And it seems Susan didn't like Pat's picture!

Quote:

Hi Pat,
What Picture is that?
It was really offensive
Anyway take care of yourself and please mr udunka is running out of
patience, the bind of freindship with my boss is the only thing that is making him wait.
God bless and wich you a speedy recovery.
Susan

Meanwhile he (in his "Susan" guise) writes back to Evadne confirming that she has miraculously given up on ever seeing the cash - even after setting the FBI on me!

Quote:

Dear Ma.
I am sorry i cant not take that money and i have forgotten about the money.
Please take care and God bless.
Contact me no more.

The Feds also wrote, coincidentally very shortly after "Susan" -

Quote:

Dear Evadne,
Have she emailed you yet? Please i want to receive the transfer information on my computer today.
I am Waiting,
I am on my desk for the next 2 hours.
Regards
A.Steven FBI

And that's where he waited. I let him stew for a weekend.

Hello I'm New here! Joined: 30 Dec 2006 Posts: 18

On Monday, Steve wrote again -

Quote:

Dear Evadne

What is there to sort out again.
I dont want to read any email from you within 24 hours
without the content of the MTCN to mr Udunka.

So dont make me loose my anger, or it will be bad, i suppose you know that.

So go and send the money to Nigeria now, i am very sure susan has given you the mans information.

So i Await the Info's Today.

S Stven

Evadne replies -

Quote:

Don't fucking push me around sunshine, I've got the painters in at the moment and I'm feeling mighty mean so back off before I push your teeth through the back of your nitwit fucking head.

I've got the money and I'm going to send it, I just need to know you are there so it all goes through OK. So email me back and tell me you are there, sitting in front of a computer, ready to receive the information. I'm not doing it unless you are there so do it now.

I'm waiting for you to reply. Tossbag.

Best regards

Evadne

And the next day he gets to his cybercaff again -

Quote:

Dear Evadne,

Okay, I just came back to the office now, even if i am not here, you can send it and as soon as i get back i will see the information.

If i am here or not does'nt stop you from sending the money to Mr Udunka. So just go and send it now or first thing tomorrow morning in the UK, lets get over with this.
A Steven

Quote:

Dear Steve,

I think you might be labouring under the impression that you're in charge here. Might I remind you that I am the one with the thousand quid sitting on my desk, and you are the one with the handful of brain cells and your tongue hanging out. So the way I see it, I call the shots - alright with you sweetheart?

And what I am saying is that I will only send the money when I know you have sat your fat arse down in front of your computer and are ready and waiting to confirm when I tell you it's been sent.

So - in words that even the most congenitally stupid can understand - Reply. Stay there. Wait for confirmation.

Got it now Mr Halfwit?

And don't be such an impatient cock. I need you to reply when you are next at your computer and then STAY THERE. And do it soon. I'm getting bored of you fucking me around, I've got other numbskulls to con.

Best regards

Evadne.

And, not to be forgotten, Pat receives a tender email from Susan -

Quote:

Hi my dear,
how are you now, i hope you are getting better, send me a picture of you okay? i hope you get better and get back to me, when am i coming t London?
God bless
Susan

And she replies -

Quote:

Dear Susan,

Thank you so much for your very sweet email! It fair brought a tear to my eye - though whether it was the sentiment or because the nurse was removing one of the plasters I'm not sure.

Gosh well, plenty has happened since I last wrote...mainly that I now appear to have become a celebrity!! It all happened when the papers got hold of my story and went big on it! Front page headlines, the lot - The Mirror: "Strapped down and tortured", The Sun: "My Willy Hell", The Mail: "Gypsies cause Bank Rate to rise". They all did a fair old splash on what happened between me and Juan, and then the TV people got involved and before I knew it I had a sound man asking me for some level and Mary Nightingale looking earnestly into my eyes and asking me how I felt when the clamps landed on my todger.

Very exciting indeed, if a little inconvenient - the Producer was very sweet (ex-Wife Swap so she knew how to deal with "punters") but the spark stuck his chewing gum on the chaise-longue and the sound man cleaned out my wallet, but apparently that's pretty much standard when a TV crew comes round so I won't complain.

Anyway, back to your email. Yes, your planned visit is still OK but you'll have to give me a few days to sort everything out. I know you're mad keen to get over (let me guess, the piccie I sent really whetted your appetite - am I right?!) but I've got to go out and buy all the equipment first and I know my usual place was running low on gimp masks and KY jelly. Shouldn't be long though so get packing!

Anyway must rush, I've got Hello mag coming round for a feature - "We visit lunatic victim Pat Duggan in his delightful two bed semi next to the A3", that sort of thing.

What fun eh!

Lots of love

Pat

Oh, I almost forgot. The doctor says I can leave the house in the next couple of days so I can pop down to the bank and finish off our little business. Do you want me to send a bit more because of the delay? I'm feeling a bit flush, what with all this TV money, so I could probably add a grand or so - would �5,000 cover it? Let me know - I'm sure you will!

FBI Steve then wrote back to Evadne -

Quote:

Hi Evadne,
What a Woman you are, anyway i am here now if you are there please reply me imediately and with the information this time.
Regrads
A Steven

Quote:

Thank you. I've also got a razor sharp mind, a fuck off big house and a body to die for. But that's all you're getting, because I have no intention of letting you anywhere near it.

Wait there. I'll be back soon.

He got straight back -

Quote:

Dear Evadne,
No Problem, I am Waiting for you here
God Bless.
A.Steven

Hello I'm New here! Joined: 30 Dec 2006 Posts: 18

At this point, it all moved along quite quickly, exchanging emails every couple of minutes -

First Evadne wrote to Susan -

Quote:

Dear Susan,

Evadne Goggins here. Listen my lamb, this is important!

I know you haven't heard from me for a few days and I said I wasn't sending you any money...well the good news is, I am! Let me explain. The thing is that I currently have the head of MI5 sitting next to me! Yes, the British Secret Service!! To put you in the picture, they are trying to track down this international criminal who has been masquerading as this "Steven Allison" fellow (he's not really from the FBI). Apparently he's has been trying to cheat people out of money over the internet and MI5 have been after him for a while. Anyway the deal is they are now just about to catch him!

What they've done is put a search on all his outgoing emails (that's why I've been getting him to email me) and they've managed to locate almost his exact whereabouts using some new technology they've developed (something to do with Google Earth apparently). It appears that he is not in America at all but in Lagos, Nigeria, at a place called "Addyson Limited" (they won't tell me any more at the moment, except that he is a man - ooer!).

The reason I am writing to you is that the police need you to do one thing for me, and that is to send one last email to this Steve Alison chap and copy me in. Once you've done that apparently the chain is complete and the police can move in. (Apparently they've got guns and knives so don't worry, he won't get away!

Do it now pet - between us we can nail this chap!!

Once you've done it please email me back. The police say I have then got to immediately send over the money that is outstanding to you so the job can be finished.

Exciting eh?! Wonder if they'll kill him in the process!

lots of love

Evadne Goggins

And Susan replies -

Quote:

Dear Evadne,
I know you are trying one of your pranks on me now,
So i want you send the money to Mr Udunka,
and i can listen to you now.
Susan
And i dont care if the BRITISH INTELLIGENCE is on this, okay all i want is my company's money and nothing more.
So i have emailed him and now i am sure he is going to write me, but i want you to know he is in his washington office okay? and not in Lagos Nigeria.
you have cost me alot of pains and i dont want anymore, the only relief to this is if you send the money to Mr Evan Udunka.
Regards
Susan

Quote:

No - trust me - It's all go!! MI5 have sent the Double O team, the SAS are circling overhead and our boys in blue have got a Panzer at the end of the street! Copy me in on your email to him and that's the signal to move in.

Let's go to war Susan!

And she does as bidden, email sent to Steve Alison of MI5 and copied in to me!

Quote:

Hi Allison,
I dont know what's going on, anyway just wanted to say hi.
Susan

It appeasr he will do anything I ask him!

So I up the ante, open a Gmail account as "KnackeroftheYard" and email "Steve" -

Quote:

THIS IS THE POLICE. WE HAVE YOU SURROUINDED. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.

I see a man in a Nigerian cybercafe looking out of the window with a very confused expression on his face.

Hope nobody slams a door and scares him...

I reply to Susan -

Quote:

Well done Sue! Almost there chicken, MI5 are moving in!

A reply to Knacker!

Quote:

YOU MUST BE CRAZY MR POLICE, AND I KNOW IT'S YOU MRS EVADNE, I WILL CONTACT THE SCOTLAND YARD AND THE MET. POLICE NOW.
FORGET ABOUT THE MONEY AND BE READY TO GO TO JAIL SOON.
YOU SLIMY BASTARD........ THE ONLY

...he must have got cut off - maybe he made a run for it?!

Knacker replies -

Quote:

DON'T BE A FOOL. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP AND NO-ONE WILL BE HURT.

YOU KNOW IT'S THE BEST THING STEVE.

NICE AND SLOWLY NOW. EASY DOES IT!

Then Susan replies to Evadne -

Quote:

WHO IS THAT FUCKING INSPECTOR THAT EMAILED ME I ALREADY TOLD HIM I WAS GOING TO REPORT SCOTLAND YARD AND THE MET POLICE, I AM IN LONDON NOW LOOKING FOR YOU, DONT LET ME FIND YOU.
WATCH YOUR BACK,

I think he's forgotten what he's doing, the Inspector only wrote to Steve of the FBI - how did she get it then?!

Evadne replies -

Quote:

What??! You shouldn't have got that - the Inspector sent it to this Steve chap! Bloody police, it must be their walkie talkies interfering with email transmission. Don't worry, I'll tell them to switch to a different frequency.

And keep your bloody head down, these guys are trigger happy at the best of times!

Then Steve replies to Evadne (using the correct FBI address this time!)

Quote:

Dear Evadne,
Susan just emailed me and also called me now to tell me you were tracking me and i was in Lagos Nigeria, Mrs you have raised me anger now, i have faxed every details to the FBI office in London, so you have been playting on me all this while, Both You and Mr Juan is going to Jail for fraud charges.
See you in court.
Susan is in London at the moment and she is tracking you.
And who is Inspector Knacker? that uses Google mail, and now Scotland yard email?
A. Steven

Evadne replies -

Quote:

Steve, put down the shooter. You know it makes sense. Come on let's talk about this, don't not do anything you might regret. When his is all over we can all sit down and have a jolly good laugh about it but right now though why not give me the gun.

There you go, just put it down in front of you. Nice and easy, that's the way...

Knacker emails Steve -

Quote:

IF YOU DON'T COME OUT, WE WILL HAVE TO BLAST OUR WAY IN.

COME OUT NOW, WITH YOUR HANDS UP

WE'LL KEEP THE DOGS BACK IF YOU COME OUT NICE AND SLOW.

I want him to say "You won't take me alive copper". Hasn't he seen the bloody films?

Susan to Evadne -

Quote:

Evadne,
So this is what you are upto, i am off have a nice day in Jail, and dont email me again.
susan

Evadne replies -

Quote:

Hold on. Please don't shop me. I didn't mean it.

At which point the excitement ends for the day!

Hello I'm New here! Joined: 30 Dec 2006 Posts: 18

The next day, Susan writes back to Evadne -

Quote:

Hi Evadne

When are you gonna be serious, this is the last chance i am giving you, this is my Companies money and not mine, a genuine check was sent to mr juan, so why are you playing on us, if i knew that Mr Juan was gonna behave this way, i would have not asked that check to be sent to him.

You Better apologise to Steve of the FBI because he is angry and promise him you will send the money to Udunka right away and remember no more games or you go to jail, this is not a threat but a fact.

I Await the transfer information.
May i ask, why are you Delaying this? why do you want to make things hard for you, you think i am a scammer? well boo you i am not... i am legit very very legit.

Dont you see it yourself, the FBI contacted you and you called them Scammers too? ohh i pity you, thats False alligations, which you know the price.

You are on there record now i must tell you, dont you have regards for youself,your family, or your kids, you have a better life to live, but i know you dont want that to be in jail.
Anyway if you care for yourself, and your future you better do as i have asked you, anymore games will result to you going to jail, for trying to defraud us.....

Regards

Susan

Evadne's replies, very contrite -

Quote:

Dear Susan,

What can I say - I've been a fool, a bloody fool, and I'm sorry.

I was only having a bit of fun, nothing serious, no harm meant. The thing is you don't know how boring it can be just sitting here day after day in a fusty old Mayfair solicitors' office. The only fun I
get is when there's bourbons on the tea trolley or if Mr McVay has one of his moments' (young runners, small domestic animals mostly).

Yesterday was the first time in a long time I felt alive - really
alive. When FBI Steve wrote to me last week I felt the old juices
flowing once again, that moist feeling I'd thought had gone for ever � I just found myself being sucked in.

Can't we start over again? Water under the bridge and all that. Say it's OK and I'll see what I can do about the money thing. I'll write to Steve and say sorry as well, and I won't say Boo you again. And I don't think you are a scammer (what is a scammer anyway, is it a kind of prostitute?).

Can we still be friends?

Abjectly and oleaginously yours,

Evadne Goggins

And Evadne also writes to Steve -

Quote:

Dear Steve,

I have just had an email from Susan. Look, I didn't mean to call the FBI Scammers, or lay any False alligators. As Susan says, I know which is the price for that and I don't fancy none of it. So please don't be cross.

I'll behave properly now, of that I thee vow. I'll be as honest as
Jeffrey Archer in a share auction. Promise. But you have to assure me there won't be any stain on my record, I'm still haunted by the memory of last year's parking ticket and I couldn't bear to think of the FBI following me for the rest of my days, some burly Fed ready to put me up against a wall and give me a good seeing to.

Assure me I'm in the clear � I need to know.

Gogg

Quote:

Dear Evadne,
You know what to do next,Go and send the money toMr Udunka,i have sentyou the informatiosn you will need.
Thanks
Susan

Quote:

Dear Susan,

Many thanks. As you are in London I can hand the cash straight over to you. Our offices are at the end of Mayfair High Street - turn left at the lights, walk 100 yards and our door is on the right hand side (the red one).

Go up to reception and ask for me - if I'm not there the envelope with the money will be on my desk, under the Sooty Bear collection tin.

Best wishes

Evadne

Quote:

Dear Evadne,
I am Busy at the moment, Just o and send the money to Mr Udunka now, Via Western union
I am not close to that area and i will be living tonight to Washington DC, So go and send the money to Mr udunka and forward the info to me now.

Quote:

Dear Susan,

Alright then, I'll pop over myself. I'll just grab a sandwich on the
way to the tube. Where are you?

Evadne

Quote:

Dont Worry,
Just do as i ask you snd dont waste time.
Susan

Quote:

I'm not worried - this is the safest way.

Is it on the Northern Line - there are delays, I may have to go via
the District.

Make it soon though, I've got a macrame class at 5.

Quote:

Okay, i am Waiting Online now,
go fast, give me your mobile num, i will keep in touch.

No chance sonny -

Quote:

It doesn't work on the Tube - it's underground! (Oh and never carry tapes as well, they get wiped).

Where are you - I can pop it through the door if you can't get up.

Quote:

Just do as i say now, Go to a westenr union office close to you now, whats the stress, what do you mean Underground, what there i you go to western union office.
I want the money to get Mr Udunka now and no delays anymore. GO NOW IMMEDIATLY AND I WANT THE INFO IN MY EMAIL NOW.

Capital letters again, I think he's not happy.

Quote:

Susan, stop being a silly girl! Tell me where you are right now or
I'll get very cross!

Quote:

NO I WONT JUST DO AS I SAY, NO MORE QUESTIONS.

ooer!

Quote:

Susan, this is very very naughty of you. I specifically went down to the bank to get your money and now you won't take it. You're a very wicked girl. There are people starving all around the world who would love that money and you're just pushing it away. Now just do what I say before I get cross.

Quote:

yOU ARE TRYING TO BE NAUGHTY NOW,
JUST DO WHAT I SAY, DONT GET ON MY NERVES.

Quote:

No I'm not. Anyway, you started it. (You can get pills for your nerves now)

Quote:

Go and send it to Mr Udunka now, what is the problem, are you gonna do just that or not.

Quote:

Because I've now got all this money out in cash! And if I have to take it back I will need it to clear before I can send it out again!

What is the problem with me just giving you this money?

WHERE ARE YOU?

Evadne also writes to Steve at the FBI -

Quote:

Dear Steve,

Can I just say that I am trying to give this money to Susan and now she won't now take it. I just want you to know so you don't set your men on me again. It's not my fault.

That's all.

Susan replies to Evadne -

Quote:

Finw do whatever you want to and face what will come out of it, Okay i am in a cyber Cafe on Central Rd. and i am doing a job on Corel Draw,
So i cant come to you and you cant come to me neither, because i am busy and wil be flyng back to washington tonight.

Quote:

Fine. OK, I'm on my way. Let me check - is that Central Road off
AntandDec High Street, or the one in Rodhullandemu Town?

(You can always do "Save" on Corel Draw you know)

FBI Steve replies to Evadne -

Quote:

Well, Apologies acceptes, Well she will be on her back to the USA tomorrow, i gues it is 2 pm there, she will be living your country by 6pm this evening.

So whichever way she wants you to send the money do it now.
And no more delays.
A Steve

To which Evadne replies -

Quote:

Ok, but that's really a bit irrita...

Hold on, I've just looked at the "Reply to" line on this email and it
has Susan's email address...What's going on?

Susan replies -

Quote:

You are going to send it to Mr Udunka right?

Me to her -

Quote:

Hold on Susan, I've just written to Steve and noticed the email is
going to your email address. Do you know what's going on?

Can he think his way out of this one?

Oh yes! From Susan -

Quote:

that is the FBI's way of keeping people like us involved in everything they do about our case.
Any problem with that?

and from the FBI -

Quote:

Well the reply comes to me and Susan, any problem with that? i did that myself so she would keep track of everything.
thats the procedure hee at the FBI.
A Steven

I love this boy! He's like Billy Bunter with a fistful of someone else's tuck!

I reply -

Quote:

I'm suspicious. This doesn't sound like something the FBI would
do...our boys would never pull a stunt like this...

Quote:

What do you know about the FBI?
You have started again.
Dont email me again.
If you are not sending that money to Udunka,
See you in jail,

Quote:

That's you isn't it Susan - I know it's you, I recognise your
handwriting. Stop being silly and come out, you're scaring me.

From Susan to Evadne -

Quote:

have you gone to send it???????

From Evadne to Susan -

Quote:

Hold on, I'm talking to Steve.

Susan to Evadne -

Quote:

About what?

Evadne to Susan -

Quote:

Grown up stuff. Women's problems. You wouldn't understand.

FBI Steve to Evadne -

Quote:

Dear Evadne
I am not a joker like you, This is Steve Allison
Not susan, Susan's Email is diff, i am sure you have hers.
A Steven
Why are you proving so difficult?

A Steven

Evadne to Steve -

Quote:

Ok Steve, if that's the case then can you tell me what this means -

http://www.fbi.gov/page2/nov05/emailscam112205.htm

Why are the FBI warning people about your naughty emails then? Hmmm, hmmmm?

How will he spin on that sixpence I wonder?!

Quote:

Mrs. Evadne,
I Was the one who pulished that that was why my name appeared there, on our Website.
you can call our office (202) 324-3000 and lets talk.
This Emails, [email protected], [email protected] and [email protected].
are reported emails.
Call me now.
A Ateven

So, trying to call my bluff eh? I reply -

Quote:

Oh right. I'll try the number. Wait there...

Half an hour later, Evadne writes back -

Quote:

They say they're not allowed to give out their agents' names or addresses for some reason.Bit paranoid if you ask me.

They also said that if I suspected I was being cheated by some meatheaded tossbag with a bowl of porridge where his brain should be, that I should report him. (Well those are my words, but that was the general drift).

So what do I do now? How can you prove you are who you say?

But it appears that "Susan" has had enough. Two months after her first email, she sends her last -

Susan to Evadne -

Quote:

forget about the money i am Gone to the Airport and the Met Police will track you Down to get my money for me i already contacted them.
Bye bye...
Susan

Evadne to Susan -

Quote:

Susan, come back! I need a receipt!

And that, is that. Thanks "Susan", it's been fun....for me anyway!

Master Baiter Joined: 14 May 2006 Posts: 139

Legend. I couldn't stop tittering away. That got my juices going right proper.

Aubergine... Rolling Eyes

Posted: Sat Mar 03, 2007 4:56 am

I am sitting in the sunshine, beer in hand and laughing my socks off.
Fantastic!! Thaqt is one of the funniest baits I've ever read.
Hats off my man. Hats off.
Forget the "Hello, I'm new here" title and go straight for "master baitor".
Well written, hilarious. What else can I say?

Posted: Sat Mar 03, 2007 7:15 am

This was bloody fantastic.

Hello I'm New here! Joined: 30 Dec 2006 Posts: 18

Thanks chaps - kind praise indeed! And very enjoyable for me it was too!

Hello I'm New here! Joined: 30 Dec 2006 Posts: 18

Oh and incidentally there was one teeny weeny wiggle in the tail.

After a couple of weeks I wrote, from the "solicitor's" address -

Quote:

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing to advise you that we have a sum of money on account in
your name. I would be grateful if you would confirm the account it
should be remitted to.

Many thanks

John McVay
Bellwether, Needham, McVay

And sure enough, the little tinker bit again -

Quote:

Evadne Goggins,
i want you to go ahead and send the money to this information below through western union money transfer....here is the information below.....

NAME: LEKAN WILLIAMS
ADDRESS: LAGOS NIGERIA
ZIP CODE :23401
TEXT QUESTION: BLUE
ANSWER : WHITE

i will be waiting to received the transfered details from you as soon as you are back from the western union outlet.

N B: I WANT YOU TO SEND ME THE SCAN COPY OF THE WETSRN UNION RECEIPT.

i will waits here to hear from you.

Had to let him down though...

Quote:

Woops sorry, no. Just me cocking you around again. Naughty old me!

Jesus but you're thick!

Naughty old me indeed. I wonder if that made him chuckle?

I'm guessing not...

Hello I'm New here! Joined: 06 Mar 2007 Posts: 1

Fantastic stuff.Loved every word of it. Laughing

Posted: Fri Mar 09, 2007 8:52 am

That's great Smile