Enter the Anus (2/28: Game Over!)

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Posted: Thu Feb 16, 2006 12:47 am

A moment of silence for our primate friend, Bitey. He was a great friend and will go nicely sauteed in shallots, mushrooms, and garlic.

Posted: Thu Feb 16, 2006 4:13 am

Thanks for the props, fellas. If you enjoy this, check out my earlier works...

HIV can be funny
Extortion for Dummies
The Education of Tony Nkosi (one of my favorites)
Stellllllaaaaaaa!!!! (another classic)
Larry Takes It Eze
And who could forget Jude Joe?

Please don't necro these threads. Just read and enjoy!

Posted: Thu Feb 16, 2006 6:42 am

Quote:

I now have enough delicious monkey meat to last me a week. Maybe I'll put the meat in a hard candy shell and make Rhesus Pieces! Get it? Ha!

ROFLMAO! Damn - now I need a squeegee for my monitor... and a new cup of coffee!! Laughing

Funny as hell, Larry! WTG! Very Happy

Posted: Thu Feb 16, 2006 9:08 am

Quote:

we can't send him any cash until you have assumed room temperature.

SPPOUUTT, Dam it, now I got coke all over my screen and keyboard,

Nice one LF Laughing

Posted: Fri Feb 17, 2006 8:24 pm

Bannister Cuntis is getting really impatient with all my modalities. He doesn't realize just how bad things are going to get. We've hit rock bottom and I'm digging. Things are pretty sad when somebody named "Anus" is the good cop in the good cop/bad cop routine.

Quote:

Date: Wed, 15 Feb 2006 16:22:13 +0000 (GMT)
From: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Subject: prefer a sign
To: "Damien Thorne"

Damien,

Please tell me what i should hold as sign. do i hold a bible as sign? if no suggest so that i can get that to you tomorrow.
Regards

Barr. Curtis Davis

Quote:

Date: Wed, 15 Feb 2006 16:53:26 +0000 (GMT)
From: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Subject: UPDATE INFORMATIONS
To: "Anus Magillicutty"

Dear Anus,
Thank you as well for appreciating my good work i want to inform you that my pictures will be sent to him tomorrow unfailingly.

Mr Jurgen My client is still breathing but no longer talk nor recognise person.

Regards

Barr. Curtis Davis

Quote:

Date: Wed, 15 Feb 2006 13:30:18 -0800 (PST)
From: "Damien Thorne"
Subject: The utmost security will be needed.
To: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]>

Barrister:

The sign picture should be more than acceptable. However, a bible would not give us the necesssary level of security that a code phrase would provide. Additionally, I often feel nauseous when seeing graven images of the hated nazarene. Therefore, I would ask you to fashion a sign with the code phrase: "Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day" and be photographed holding it. This phrase is from the writings of Confucious, and is as appropriate today as it was in his time.

Only you and I know this code phrase. If I recieve a picture with anything other than the code phrase, then I will have to assume that our security has been compromised and notify the proper authorities both in the UK and the US. Please do not reveal the code phrase to any other people involved with this transaction; even Mr. Flynt and Mr. Magillicutty are not aware of the phrase. Security is our utmost concern in this matter.

I thank you in advance for your understanding.
Damien Thorne, Esq.

Quote:

Date: Thu, 16 Feb 2006 10:47:53 +0000 (GMT)
From: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Subject: Plans
To: "Damien Thorne"

Dear Damien,
Am forwarding my picture now. But i want the code be Curtis and Damien as i prefer this code your choosen one.

Regards

Barr. Curtis Davis

Quote:

ate: Thu, 16 Feb 2006 11:44:56 +0000 (GMT)
From: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Subject: MY INFORMATIONS
To: "Damien Thorne"

L DETAILS

Name : BARR .CURTIS DAVIS

Address : 21 BUTE STREET, MANCHESTER ENGLAND

Tel. No. : 7031940507, 7031844975

Dt. Of Birth : 30.09.1966 ( MARRIED)

E-mail : [email protected]

Languages known : English,

Regards
Barr. Curtis Davis

Did everybody get those phone numbers? Once again, its 7031940507 and 7031844975

Quote:

Date: Thu, 16 Feb 2006 06:44:45 -0800 (PST)
From: "Damien Thorne"
Subject: The Alternative Modality
To: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]>

Barrister:

Your proposed code phrase is unacceptable as it is significantly less secure than the one I proposed. However, if my original code phrase is problematic for you, then I suggest you send me a picture with you holding a sign that says "PwN3D (by Larry Flynt)". Be aware that the random 5-digit alphanumeric code is case-sensitive, and that including (by Larry Flynt) you will add an extra measure of security to our transaction.

I look forward to receiving your photo.
Damien Thorne, Esq.

Quote:

Date: Thu, 16 Feb 2006 15:23:57 +0000 (GMT)
From: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Subject: Re: The Alternative Modality
To: "Damien Thorne"

Mr Damien,
I dont need all this stress. i decide what happen not you. if you can not go ahead like i have said, feel free to discontinue with the whole issue. Am tired of too much requirement.

Bye

Quote:

Date: Thu, 16 Feb 2006 10:29:10 -0800 (PST)
From: "Damien Thorne"
Subject: I am doing this for your benefit
To: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]>

Barrister:

I don't think you totally understand the situation. Mr. Flynt is a very successful businessman, that is to say, he is very good in business. Unfortunately, that success has had a terrible price. Mr. Flynt has accumulated a whole roster of enemies over the years. These include:

Mr. Robert Guiccione
Ms. Kathy Keeton
Mr. Hugh Hefner
Mr. Al Goldstein
Ms. Jenna Jameson
Rev. Jerry Falwell
Ms. Tonya Harding
Rev. Jim Jones
Rev. Albert Sharpton
People for the American Way
Mr. Ralph Neas
Ms. Asia Carrera
Ms. Tiffany Minx
Mr. Joseph Buttafuco
North American Man Boy Love Association
Mr. Clay Aiken
The Rand Corporation
"Heino"
Mr. John Holmes
The Corporation for Public Broadcasting
Mr. Peter North
Viewers Like You
Mr. Stephen St. Croix

This is by no means a complete list. However, I must emphasize the point that there are many people who would love nothing more than to compromise this whole transaction and embarrass Mr. Flynt. Many of those listed have infiltrated Mr. Flynt's email and the Flynt Publishing Company intranet before. If they were to know the specifics of our transaction without us taking the appropriate security countermeasures, they could certainly steal the money budgeted for your legal expenses.

I certainly do not mean to add any stress to your life, but you must understand that we have to take every precaution if you are to be properly reimbursed for your expenses. I feel we have come too far along to quit at this point. If there is anything I can do on my end to help you, please don't hesistate to ask.

Thanks for your understanding,
Damien Thorne, Esq.

Quote:

Date: Thu, 16 Feb 2006 18:56:28 +0000 (GMT)
From: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Subject: MY OPINION AND CONCLUSIONS
To: "Damien Thorne"

Mr Damien,

What are you now insinuating? continue with it or quit. because i have alot of clients to attend to Mr Jurgen Sterk happen to be one of them and by all measures,

I dont believe you have to decide for me. You take legal decisions for your client Mr Larry while i take decisions for my client Jurgen Sterk

Regards

Quote:

Date: Thu, 16 Feb 2006 15:32:14 +0000 (GMT)
From: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Subject: TIRED OF DAMIEN
To: "Anus Magillicutty"

MR ANUS,

AM TIRED OF TOO MUCH REQUIREMENT FROM DAMIEN. I DECIDE WHAT HAPPENED NOT DAMIEN . YOU CAN FORGET ABOUT CARRYING OUT THE WISH OF MY CLIENT IF DAMIEN MUST DETATE FOR ME.

I WILL BE COPYING LARRY AS WELL.

I DECIDE WHAT HAPPEN NOT DAMIEN

REGARDS

Quote:

Date: Thu, 16 Feb 2006 15:35:06 +0000 (GMT)
From: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Subject: TIRED OF DAMIEN
To: l_flynt

MR LARRY,

AM TIRED OF TOO MUCH REQUIREMENT FROM DAMIEN. I DECIDE WHAT HAPPENED NOT DAMIEN . YOU CAN FORGET ABOUT CARRYING OUT THE WISH OF MY CLIENT IF DAMIEN MUST DETATE FOR ME.

I WILL BE COPYING ANUS AS WELL.

I DECIDE WHAT HAPPEN NOT DAMIEN

REGARDS

Quote:

Date: Thu, 16 Feb 2006 13:23:23 -0800 (PST)
From: "Anus Magillicutty"
Subject: Re: TIRED OF DAMIEN
To: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]>

Bannister Curtis Davis:

Just between you and me, I know the feeling. Damien can be a handful at times. In fact, he can be extremely unpleasant when he has a mind to. I think it has to do with his really unhappy childhood and the deaths of so many people close to him. Did you know that his adoptive father was shot by the British police while trying to stab Damien to death with the seven daggers of Megiddo? Its a wonder that he is as well adjusted as he is considering all he has been through. I've also heard rumors about this wierd birthmark on his head, but I really really suggest you don't ask him about it.

Despite his moodiness, Damien seems to have control over powers that I don't really understand. He definitely knows what he is doing; he has saved Flynt Publications millions of dollars over the past 20 or so years. Mr. Flynt once sent a donation to the Courtney Love Foundation for the Eradication of Scabies to the tune of about $10,000 via Western Union. Well, it seems that the money was intercepted by a team of computer hackers lead by Yasmine Bleeth. Damien got an injuction quicker than you can say modality and sent Yasmine to jail for a very long time. I heard later that Yasmine was decapitated in a freak accident with a truck and some window glass when she got out on parole, so I guess what comes around goes around, eh? Mr. Flynt has kept him on retainer ever since.

What I'm trying to say is that despite his lightning quick temper, Damien really is the expert when it comes to the legalities of sending and recieving money internationally. He may be rude and ask you to do some weird stuff, but he really does know what he is doing.

And hey, if you ever need to vent about Damien, just consider me a sympathetic ear. I really do understand.

Anus

Quote:

Date: Fri, 17 Feb 2006 12:08:09 +0000 (GMT)
From: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Subject: Re: TIRED OF DAMIEN
To: "Anus Magillicutty"

HELLO ANUS,

I WANT TO KNOW YOUR PLANS

BARR.CURTIS DAVIS

Quote:

Date: Fri, 17 Feb 2006 11:36:22 -0800 (PST)
From: "Anus Magillicutty"
Subject: Re: TIRED OF DAMIEN
To: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]>

Bannister David:

What "plans" are you talking about? Are you ready to recieve your funds? I haven't talked to Damien since yesterday, so I don't know what the status is between you and him.

Anus

Anus F. Magillicutty, III
Chief Financial Officer
Hustler Publishing Incorporated

Quote:

Date: Fri, 17 Feb 2006 11:34:48 -0800 (PST)
From: "Damien Thorne"
Subject: Your decision
To: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]>

Barrister:

What is your decision in regards to the disbursement of your legal fee reimbursement? It is in your best interest to cooperate instead of acting like a petulant boy.

Respectfully,
Damien Thorne, Esq.

Been a while since I've authored a good slap, but its just like riding a bicycle! You never really forget!

Quote:

Date: Fri, 17 Feb 2006 11:56:54 -0800 (PST)
From: "Larry Flynt"
Subject: TIRED OF YOUR FAGGOTTRY
To: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]>

Hey Cuntis:

Blessings of the fucking season to you! If I want any goddamned lip out of you, I'll wipe it off my fucking zipper! What the hell is up with your fucking snippy little bitch attitude? Somebody fucking light your tampon on fire? Jesus Christ on a sheep, Cuntis!!! Take off the fucking skirt and quit crying like a pussy on fucking Dr. Phil.

You sound like you have monkeys in your brain. Do you have monkeys in your brain? I have monkeys in my colon, but that is just because I made some fucking delicious Bitey salsa last night. Is fucking Damien asking you to send him a fucking picture or some shit? Well, what is the fucking problem then?

You want to forget the whole deal? Super! Go on and find somebody else who is as fucking rich as me randomly on the fucking internet. Go on! Send out as many fucking emails as you can, and see if any of those fucking unemployed motherfuckers has bank like I do! I'm sure there are fucking thousands of millionaires just waiting by their computers for your fucking email. Shit, Cuntis, I could fucking buy and sell your brokeback boy-hole twenty times over but you would rather act like a fucking girl over a little matter like the fucking legal fees.

Look, I'm not unreasonable. I know you have other clients and you are probably two more DWI's away from getting disbarred or tossed in jail and gang raped or both. So I'll have some pity on you this time, and let's forget this whole unpleasant situation ever happened. I'll let you have a fresh start with me, because I am such a nice guy. Don't expect this kind of forgiveness from Damien, though. He'll sick his rotweilers on you before you would even have a chance to scream if you cross him.

So let's start over with the whole "send you the legal fees" shit and take it from there. Your move, champ.

Larry Fucking Flynt

Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2006 4:35 pm

Bannister is working hard for the money, so hard for it honey, he works hard for the money, so I'd better treat him right. Let's start off with a little taste of anus.

Quote:

Date: Fri, 17 Feb 2006 14:02:30 -0800 (PST)
From: "Anus Magillicutty"
Subject: Help me here, please
To: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]>

Curtis:

I was all set to go to Moneygram today, but I saw Damien in the hall and he said that you are being totally uncooperative and that we will not be legally 100% risky free until you follow his instructions. Therefore, the money is frozen until Damien clears it. What is going on between you and Damien??

Anus

Quote:

Date: Fri, 17 Feb 2006 20:50:33 +0000 (GMT)
From: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Subject: DECISION
To: "Damien Thorne"

DEPEND ON YOU. WHAT DO YOU FUCKING WANT FROM ME?

REGARDS

Pretty unprofessional for an esteemed bannister. At least he feels that he can confide in my Anus.

Quote:

Date: Fri, 17 Feb 2006 22:23:21 +0000 (GMT)
From: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Subject: LET HIM TELL YOU WHAT HE WANTS
To: "Anus Magillicutty"

DEAR ANUS,

PLEASE FIND OUT FROM HIM WHAT HE WANTS FROM ME.
THIS IS TAKING TOO LONG TIME NOW.

REGARDS

I took the weekend off from baiting. I celebrated my birthday with a nice juicy filet, sauteed mushrooms and a martini. Life is good. Well, maybe not so good if you're the Bannister or Jurgen Sterkoff.

Quote:

Date: Mon, 20 Feb 2006 08:14:59 -0800 (PST)
From: "Damien Thorne"
Subject: Re: DECISION
To: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]>

Barrister:

Hopefully the weekend has given you time off to cool down and get your priorities in order. As much as Larry Flynt Publishing, Inc. would love to work with you, we have noticed that while you talk big, you can't or won't follow through. Specifically, on Thursday, you wrote:

Dear Damien,
Am forwarding my picture now. But i want the code be Curtis and Damien as i prefer this code your choosen one.

Regards

Barr. Curtis Davis

However, you never forwarded your picture. Niether have you sent us a scanned copy of your legal license. Additionally, you have only offered resistance to my proven transcontinental intermonitary transfer service (TITS) security protocols. I am really wondering if you have any background in law at all, as your behavior has been nothing but totally unprofessional. If you don't begin following directions, I will classify all transactions with you as "shenanigans" and break off any contractual obligations.

To be blunt, please start cooperating or this whole affair is over.

Respectfully,
Damien Thorne, Esq.

Will I call his bluff and make him come crawling back, or does he think there's an easier mark out there? Stay tuned!!!

Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2006 4:44 pm

What about the monkey? How's the God damn monkey doing?! We want to know!

Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2006 5:22 pm

YeaWhatever wrote:

What about the monkey? How's the God damn monkey doing?! We want to know!

Ahem. Look at the postscript in Larry Flynt's letter from 2/14 with the subject line "What the fuck?" A follow up was presented in LF's 2/17 letter entitled "TIRED OF YOUR FAGGOTRY" in the third sentence of the second paragraph.

Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2006 6:48 pm

I am loving it!

clapping

@Arthur
you really should read Stellllllaaaaaaa!!!!

Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2006 7:46 pm

Sorry Larry. I forgot all about the "monkey meat". My bad. He was my favorite character. Crying or Very sad

Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2006 11:34 pm

Dear Larry!

Yesterday I had the chance to watch on German TV a biography-film about Larry Flint and the HUSTLER. Now I understand you so much better! Cheers Very Happy

Posted: Tue Feb 21, 2006 11:00 pm

^^^^Yep! I'm a crippled pornographer who throws oranges at superior court judges! And I have some interesting theories about how Jerry Falwell lost his virginity!

Not much to update on the bait for today... but there is excitment in the air... read all about it tomorrow!!!

Posted: Wed Feb 22, 2006 11:08 am

I didn�t bait cancerlads in the past as they sticked always strongly to their script and tried to pass me after 2 mails to their "lawyer".

Now I see that it can be much fun to play along also with those lads if you find the right words. Respect

Posted: Wed Feb 22, 2006 10:57 pm

mathias wrote:

Now I see that it can be much fun to play along also with those lads if you find the right words. Respect

Its not too hard. Just think of the most heartless, cold blooded thing you could say to somebody with a terminal illness and then say it. Twisted Evil

As promised, the hits just keep on coming!

Quote:

Date: Mon, 20 Feb 2006 08:18:50 -0800 (PST)
From: "Anus Magillicutty"
Subject: Re: LET HIM TELL YOU WHAT HE WANTS
To: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]>

Bannister Curtis Davis:

Damien sent out a memo to all Larry Flynt Publishing employees today saying that none of us are to send you any money until he hears back from you. It didn't go into more detail than that.

You are right. This is taking way to long! Is he asking you to do something bad? Please remember, I am wide open to all your modalities, but I really am beginning to think that something stinks here.

Anus

Quote:

Date: Mon, 20 Feb 2006 20:59:44 +0000 (GMT)
From: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Subject: what do you want?
To: "Damien Thorne"

Damien,

Tell me what you want from me.
Barr. Curtis Davis

Quote:

Date: Tue, 21 Feb 2006 09:48:43 +0000 (GMT)
From: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Subject: ADVISE
To: "Anus Magillicutty"

Hello Anus,

Thank you for all your effort so far. you can see why am some how not comfortable with the sole called Damien. It seems you are the only person that is getting to understand why the whole issue has be pending and delaying.

Please advise me on how best to handle this issue.

Regards

Barr. Curtis Davis

Quote:

Date: Tue, 21 Feb 2006 10:59:55 -0800 (PST)
From: "Anus Magillicutty"
Subject: Here's my advice
To: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]>

Bannister Davis:

If I was in your place, I would go along with the modality that Damien suggests. Once that is done and the money released, then I think I can convince Larry to hire another lawyer and you won't have to deal with Damien again. Frankly, Damien has been giving me the creeps with the new obsidian pentagram and the jackal skull in his office. He has also been taking his pet rotweilers to work. Normally I like animals, but his dogs have these glowing red eyes and look like they would love nothing more than to eat your spleen.

Sorry I can't give you any more advice than that. Just put up with Damien for a day or two more, follow his instructions so that I can finally release the funds and we can at last excute Mr. Sterk's will. Then I will try to get another lawyer; I'm good friends with Klaus Fluoride and Jello Biafra. Between the two of them, I bet we can come up with something better than what Damien has given you.

Anus

Quote:

Date: Tue, 21 Feb 2006 13:41:14 -0800 (PST)
From: "Damien Thorne"
Subject: Please follow simple directions.
To: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]>

Barrister:

I need your assurance that you will cooperate with the required security protocols the first time around so that we can avoid any more temper tantrums on your part. If you assure me of that, then we may proceed.

Respectfully,
Damien Thorne, Esq

Quote:

Date: Tue, 21 Feb 2006 19:56:36 +0000 (GMT)
From: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Subject: THANKS
To: "Anus Magillicutty"

MR ANUS,

THANKS ALOT FOR YOUR ADVISE AND PROMISE. I WILL FORWARD HIM MY CERTIFICATE TOMORROW.

REGARDS

BARR. CURTIS DAVIS

Quote:

Date: Wed, 22 Feb 2006 14:47:10 +0000 (GMT)
From: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Subject: MY LEGAL CREDENTIALS
To: "Damien Thorne"

Damien,

Attached are my legal credentials. please do the needful.

Regards

Barr.Curtis Davis

Quote:

Date: Wed, 22 Feb 2006 08:46:12 -0800 (PST)
From: "Damien Thorne"
Subject: Thank you for your help, now we may proceed
To: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]>

Barrister:

Thank you for the legal credentials. This has reassured me that you are indeed the professional that you claim to be. Additionally, I see that you are a member of the British Law Enforcement society. This is excellent. Now we may proceed with the monetary transfer.

Transferring money internationally is a risky business, as you know, Barrister. It is entirely possible that a regular electronic transfer could be intercepted by one of Mr. Flynt's enemies as I have already stated in a previous email. Therefore, I again ask that you send a picture with you holding a hand written sign. I believe that our previously agreed upon Confucian saying "man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day" would provide the necessary level of security as a password phrase. A photo provides assurance that it would indeed be you recieving your money via the Western Onion (or other) modality.

I have authorized Anus to disburse the funds to you immediately upon reciept of the photo. I must thank you again for your cooperation. It is sincerely appreciated.

Respectfully,
Damien Thorne, Esq.

Larry hasn't been heard from in a while. Time to speak up!

Quote:

Date: Wed, 22 Feb 2006 08:34:04 -0800 (PST)
From: "Larry Flynt"
Subject: I will adopt Jurgen's son!
To: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]>

Hey Cuntis

Blessings of the respirator to you! Is your client still alive? I mean alive in the sense of a vegetable hooked up to machines to supply oxygen to what was once called a 'brainstem'?

I'm sure you'll just blow this off like you have everything else. Its obvious that it doesn't matter to you whether Stork lives or dies. You just want your legal fees. Well, I am writing to tell you that I will support his son financially! That's right, Cuntis! I am going to start by giving him a free subscription to Hustler! What 14 year old boy wouldn't treasure a year long subscription to the flagship publication of Larry Flynt Publishing? Nothing heals the pain of a dead parent like our upcoming pictoral of non-consensual nun fisting! I want to touch this boy's life! Please let me touch him! He can even call me "daddy"! I'll call my friends at NAMBLA to arrange adoption papers tomorrow. Let him know the good news, will you?

Larry Flynt

Quote:

Date: Wed, 22 Feb 2006 19:07:21 +0000 (GMT)
From: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Subject: HELLO FRIEND
To: "Anus Magillicutty"

Dear Anus,

I have sent my legal credentials to Damien as advise by you yesterday.

please send the legal fee now.

Regards

Barr. Curtis Davis

Quote:

Date: Wed, 22 Feb 2006 18:44:13 +0000 (GMT)
From: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Subject: INFORMATION
To: l_flynt

Dear Larry,

I must thank you for your ofer to adopting Sterk's my client son. I think i will first of all seek his consent. Sterk is still alive but no longer talk, see nor recognise the presense of anybody.

Again i wonder why Damien is now demanding for something else after sending him today my legal credentials.
Please call him to order as i dont think i will able to send any other requirement.

Regards

Barr. Curtis Davis

Quote:

Date: Wed, 22 Feb 2006 18:55:36 +0000 (GMT)
From: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Subject: CORRECTION
To: "Damien Thorne"

Damien,

Thank you for knowing the importance of my credentials. I want to refer you to your previous mail sent to me asking me to send my legal credentials or my pictures with your propose sign. now i have given you my legal credentials so instruct Anus to transfer the legal fee without any further delay.

Regards

Barr. Curtis Davis

Quote:

Date: Wed, 22 Feb 2006 11:46:46 -0800 (PST)
From: "Larry Flynt"
Subject: Re: INFORMATION
To: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]>

Cuntis!

I'm so glad that you will seek Jurgen's approval. But since he doesn't recognize anybody anymore, you might as well just pull the plug on him. He sure as hell isn't going to recognize his kid either. As for Damien, he has handled transcontinental intermonitary transfer services (TITS) before and knows how not to get ripped off by them. I'd let Damien handle my TITS any day, and I suggest you let him handle yours.

Larry Flynt

Quote:

Date: Wed, 22 Feb 2006 11:50:54 -0800 (PST)
From: "Damien Thorne"
Subject: Re: CORRECTION
To: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]>

Barrister

While I understand the importance of recieving your legal fees, I cannot ensure that the transaction will not be "hacked" and the monies intercepted without the security picture.

Only if you are really quite sure that you cannot provide the picture with the code-phrase will I authorize the release of the funds. Please indicate that you accept full responsiblity for the transaction if you waive the recommended security modality protocol.

Respectfully,
Damien Thorne

Quote:

Date: Wed, 22 Feb 2006 20:09:51 +0000 (GMT)
From: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Subject: I accept
To: "Damien Thorne"

Damien,

I will accept full responsibility.

Regards

Curtis

Quote:

Date: Wed, 22 Feb 2006 13:10:53 -0800 (PST)
From: "Damien Thorne"
Subject: Re: I accept
To: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]>

Barrister:

I'll let Anus know.

Respectfully,
Damien Thorne, Esq.

Quote:

Date: Wed, 22 Feb 2006 14:16:00 -0800 (PST)
From: "Anus Magillicutty"
Subject: Wonderful news!
To: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]>

Bannister Davis:

Damien has released the hold on the funds that you asked for! Its strange, but he said that the transfer probably won't be 100% risky free. I consulted the Western Union site and found the location nearest to where your address is:

192 Linthorpe Road
Middlesbrough
Cleveland TS1 3RF
United Kingdom

It was sent to the name Bannister Curtis Davis from Anus Magillicutty.
Test Question: What is long, hard and full of seamen?
Test Answer: A submarine.

Once you recieve the funds, please let myself or Mr. Flynt know in writing.

Many Thanks,
Anus

Anus F. Magillicutty, III
Chief Financial Officer
Hustler Publishing Incorporated

And how did Anus arrive at this address you ask? Well, I assumed that the lad is in Manchester so I pulled up a map of the UK to look for a town that is far, but not too far. That is, he probably would flip me the bird and disappear if I told him I sent it to Uruguay. Gotta keep it somewhat reasonable. There is a town about 50 miles away called Matlock. I looked up Matlock on the WU site and found an office at random for the Bannister to make an asshole out of himself at. If you live in Matlock, or near Matlock, it maybe coming to you as a surprise later if you pass that address and see a swearing, psychotic Nigerian immigrant yelling "WHAT IS LONG HARD AND FULL OF SEMENOOOOOOOOO!!!!" I know, I know: not all lads are Nigerian. I'm just going with the most likely possibility here.

The bannister responds to Larry about having Damien handle his tits.

Quote:

Date: Wed, 22 Feb 2006 20:10:56 +0000 (GMT)
From: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Subject: INFORMATION
To: l_flynt

Its alright

Does that mean he wants his TITS handled? And what do you say the odds are of the transaction getting hacked because he didn't send me a trophy? I'd say about 100% right now, but he'll have to get to Matlock first to find out... stay tuned!!!

Posted: Thu Feb 23, 2006 9:35 am

BIG ENTERTAINMENT ! clapping

Posted: Fri Feb 24, 2006 3:36 am

Staying tuned and staying amused. This is one funny bait.

Posted: Sat Feb 25, 2006 3:07 am

Things are unraveling by the minute for the barrister.

Quote:

Date: Thu, 23 Feb 2006 04:36:38 +0000 (GMT)
From: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Subject: THANK YOU
To: "Anus Magillicutty"

DEAR ANUS,

THANKS FOR THE TRANSFER BUT MY NAME IS BARRISTER CURTIS DAVIS AND NOT BANNISTER. AND I WILL WANT YOU SEND WITH MY CLERKS NAME WESLEY HARRY.
PLEASE SEND ME THE FOLLOWINGS:

1.AMOUNT SENT
2.MONEY TRANSFER CONTROL NUMBER (MTCN)
3.TEST QUESTION
4.ANSWER
5.SENDERS NAME

ITS NOT POSSIBLE I CLAIM THE SAID AMOUNT WITHOUT THE MONEY TRANSFER CONTROL NUMBERS (MTCN)

REGARDS

BARR. CURTIS DAVIS

Larry has a brilliant thought.

Quote:

Date: Thu, 23 Feb 2006 12:34:55 -0800 (PST)
From: "Larry Flynt"
Subject: Jurgen's Boy
To: Send an Instant Message "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]>
Cuntis:

So glad to hear that you finally got your legal fees. Now maybe we can really execute Jurgen's will and get Chocolate City (that's New Orlean's new name) back to suckling at the teat of the welfare state like it was before. Not to mention all that hot black ass that I crave. I've got jungle fever!

How is little Jurgen handling his father's impending death? Do you have an address for him so that I can start sending him a year's worth of Hustler? That would be so great. However, before I agree to adopt him, I have a few questions about the boy.

1) Does he like movies? Especially about gladiators?
2) Would he like a present of Pet Shop Boys or maybe Bronski Beat CD's?
3) Does he mistrust adults in authority?
4) Is he likely to keep his private life a secret from his family, teachers, police?
5) Does he like to read Oscar Wilde?
6) If he went camping and woke up with KY jelly all over his ass, would he tell anyone?
7) If he was to be a cowboy, would he be more John Wayne/Clint Eastwoodish or more Brokeback Mountainish?
Cool

Does he like conversion vans with airbrushed volcanos on the side? If so, I have a '77 Dodge with green shag carpeting and blacklights that he would flip for!

Sorry to pester you with all these questions, but I found out that it is better to ask such things beforehand. I found this out the hard way trying to "adopt" a 17-year old Thai girl and get her out of Singapore in a packing crate. Customs in Indonesia was no fucking cakewalk either. At least the balloons filled with china white didn't rupture like they did with this Filipino boy after I gave him a whole box of ExLax to get them out. What a mess.

Talk to you soon!
Larry Flynt

Quote:

Date: Thu, 23 Feb 2006 11:17:17 -0800 (PST)
From: "Anus Magillicutty"
Subject: Re: THANK YOU
To: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]>

Bannister Davis:

I have already sent the money using your name! What am I supposed to do now?

Anus

Quote:

Date: Thu, 23 Feb 2006 22:17:14 +0000 (GMT)
From: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Subject: Re: THANK YOU
To: "Anus Magillicutty"

i need the money transfer control number. (mtcn) so as for me to be able to claim same.

Quote:

Date: Thu, 23 Feb 2006 22:32:40 +0000 (GMT)
From: Send an Instant Message "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]> Add to Address BookAdd to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Subject: update
To: l_flynt
Larr,

Am yet to receive the fee. the money transfer control number is not given to me yet to enable me claim same.
Regards
Barr.Curtis

Quote:

Date: Fri, 24 Feb 2006 09:44:07 -0800 (PST)
From: "Anus Magillicutty"
Subject: All should be right now
To: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]>

Bannister Curtis:

I am so sorry for the delay, I realized my mistake this morning. I went to Western Union to sort everything out. It required a few handjobs, but I finally got the whole mess fixed. The address is the same as I said before.

Sent to: Hairy Weasel
Amount: $4650.00
Test Question: What is long, hard and full of seamen?
Test Answer: A submarine
MTCN: 08675309419

Hopefully the modality will work out perfectly this time. Please let me know when you get your fees so that we may continue.

Let me know if I can help in any way,
Anus

Anus F. Magillicutty, III
Chief Financial Officer
Hustler Publishing Incorporated

How did I generate the MTCN? I went to Tommy TuTone for the first digits (adding a leading zero to confound the bannister, of course) and as for the last three digits... well, duh.

Date: Thu, 23 Feb 2006 04:36:32 +0000 (GMT)

Quote:

From: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Subject: information
To: "Damien Thorne"

Damien,

Anus said he has sent the money without full payment details that will enable me claim same.

Regards

Barr. Curtis Davis

Quote:

Date: Fri, 24 Feb 2006 18:47:05 +0000 (GMT)
From: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Subject: WHY THE MESS?
To: "Anus Magillicutty"

ANUS,

Please re visit the western union office. you dont have any mtcn that is more than 10 digits. the one you sent is 11 digits and moreover the name is Wesley Harry and not Hairy Weasel.

Please do the needful.

Barr.Curtis Davis

Caught me! Laughing

Quote:

Date: Fri, 24 Feb 2006 11:45:49 -0800 (PST)
From: "Anus Magillicutty"
Subject: No mess at all
To: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]>

Bannister Curtis:

Drop the leading zero in the MTCN. That should clear things up. Let me know when you get the money.

Let me know if I can help further,
Anus

Quote:

Date: Fri, 24 Feb 2006 21:08:37 +0000 (GMT)
From: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Subject: CORRECT THE NAME
To: "Anus Magillicutty"

ANUS,

THE RECEIVERS NAME IS NOT Hairy Weasel BUT WESLEY HARRY.

Priceless. Just priceless. The next one was sent to both Larry and Damien

Quote:

Date: Fri, 24 Feb 2006 18:53:55 +0000 (GMT)
From: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]> Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Subject: Anus Mess forwarded
To: l_flynt

Dear Damien /Larry,

Take a look at Anus inconsistency. please re orientate him because i wonder the kind of financial oficer or whatever he is that does not know how to transfer a little fee.

Regards

Barr. Curtis Davis

Quote:

Date: Fri, 24 Feb 2006 11:07:38 -0800 (PST)
From: "Larry Flynt"
Subject: I am ready for Juren's kid
To: Send an Instant Message "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]>
Hey Cuntis:

Got your money yet? Anus was working like a $5 hooker to get that shit straightened out. Our Anus gets quite a workout!

Have you got an email address or phone number for Jurgen's son? I want to contact him and explain that I am his new daddy. Are you familiar with adoption law? That would be so super if you were! After all that kid has been through, I think he deserves proper man/boy love, don't you?

Larry Flynt

Quote:

Date: Fri, 24 Feb 2006 13:16:52 -0800 (PST)
From: "Anus Magillicutty"
Subject: Re: CORRECT THE NAME
To: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]>

Bannister Davis Curtis:

The name is now correct. Let me know when you get the money.

Anus

Quote:

Date: Fri, 24 Feb 2006 21:16:06 +0000 (GMT)
From: Send an Instant Message "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]> Add to Address BookAdd to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
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Subject: I WILL HAVE HIM INFORMED
To: l_flynt
I would get back to you as soon as possible. As for the money not yet.

Regards

Barr. Curtis Davis

Looks like something went horribly wrong with the risky-free transfer!!

Quote:

Date: Fri, 24 Feb 2006 21:55:06 +0000 (GMT)
From: Send an Instant Message "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]> Add to Address BookAdd to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
Yahoo! DomainKeys has confirmed that this message was sent by yahoo.co.uk. Learn more
Subject: TAKE A LOOK AT THIS
To: "Anus Magillicutty"
Message from western union orders status :

W0131 We do not have an order with the provided information. Please verify your information and click Check Status.
MTCN : 8675309419

Please be serious and stop waisting my time.

What could have happened? Enter my fourth character... the mysterious Meatnozzle! Unfortunately, I thoughtlessly put in "Larry Flynt" as the outgoing name for his email account. Oh shit! How do I get out of this one?

Quote:

From: meatnozzle "Larry Flynt"
Subject: MUMU
To: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]>

HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MUMU LIKE UUUUUUU
TANKS FOR DEY $4650 MUGU. DON LET YOA OGA KNOW DAT I CHOP YOA DOLLAR NOW GO FORK YOA MUMMY AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Meanwhile, Damien is feeling a little surly.

Quote:

Date: Fri, 24 Feb 2006 18:50:49 -0800 (PST)
From: "Damien Thorne"
Subject: You come crawling back?
To: Send an Instant Message "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]>
Barrister

This problem is between you and Anus. You obviously didn't take my instructions seriously the first time, so why do you think I will help you now after all the childishness and insults I have patiently endured from you? You made your bed. Lay in it.

Respectfully,
Damien Thorne, Esq.

I'm going to have to break my "no baiting on the weekend" rule here so that I can do a little CYA work with Larry and the Bannister. This has been too much fun to stop because of a stupid mistake!

Posted: Sat Feb 25, 2006 8:50 am

Wonderful bait, absolutely beautiful! My own bait with Jurgen & friends has just come to an end. Great to see he's being kept busy.

Posted: Mon Feb 27, 2006 7:42 pm

Monday morning action:

Quote:

Date: Sun, 26 Feb 2006 18:45:06 -0800 (PST)
From: "Larry Flynt"
Subject: Fwd: OBINYO HAHAHAH
To: [email protected]

Cuntis:

I just got back from the premiere of Hustler's newest movie, "Shaving Ryan's Privates" in Van Nuys and I find this shit in my inbox. What the hell does this mean? What language is that fucking supposed to be? Why is this asshole talking about $4650? Did you fuck up and let the transfer get hacked?

I'm calling Anus right now, and I don't fucking care if its Sunday night. I intend to get answers about this from him and you.

Larry Flynt

Meat Nozzle <[email protected]> wrote:Date: Sat, 25 Feb 2006 18:40:16 0800 (GMT)
From: Meat Nozzle <[email protected]>
To: l_flynt666
Subject: OBINYO HAHAHAH

MAGA LIKE UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
I CHOP YOA DOLLA AND SPEND DEY $4650 FOR ME YOA FAMILY WILL NEVER KNOW PROSPERITY AND YOA GENERATION IS FORKED. SEND ME MORE MONEY AHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Quote:

Date: Mon, 27 Feb 2006 11:35:15 -0800 (PST)
From: "Anus Magillicutty"
Subject: Here is our situation
To: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]>

Bannister Davis:

I'll be brief. Our transaction on Friday was intercepted by a computer hacker. Gary Busey in the IS department thinks the origin of the attack was in Nigeria or possibly Ghana. Who would have thought those places would have electricity, much less computers? Even cannibals surf the net these days, I guess. It seems that the hacker set up a "shadow server" using OS/2 Warp and a tertiary defibrillated IP address to intercept outgoing money transfers before they are sent to the intended recipient. That is why there was never any record of the MTCN of the transfer I sent you: as far as your WU office was concerned, it never exsisted.

In short, LFP (that's Larry Flynt Publishing) is covered for the losses. Our insurance adjuster, Bob Saget, made very certain of that. And since you never recieved the money according to the WU website, you have no losses to speak of. So things on your end are going to be just fine.

I saw Damien this morning, and he felt that this whole situation could have been prevented if you had just followed his transcontinental intermonitary transfer service (TITS) protocol. Additionally, he said that you would take full responsibility for electing not to use his TITS. I don't like to place any blame, but we must remember that it was you who decided not to avail yourself of Damien's TITS. I just hope that you have learned as much from this unpleasant experience as I have.

Let me know if I can be of any help,
Anus

Anus F. Magillicutty, III
Chief Financial Officer
Hustler Publishing Incorporated

I haven't heard from the bannister since Friday. Maybe my email mistake with meatnozzle (see above) was the final nail in the coffin and he's twigged. Or maybe he's taking the day off scamming to shave his mother's back. Who knows. But if I don't hear from him soon, he's going to feel the burn... Larry Flynt style!!!

Posted: Mon Feb 27, 2006 8:00 pm

Do you only bait one lad at a time? I guess I would not blame you since you seem to spend a lot of time and thought on this guy. If you are baiting others, you should post those too. Your baits are very entertaining.

Posted: Tue Feb 28, 2006 7:08 pm

^^^Baiting one lad at a time is all I have time for these days. Believe it or not, I actually have a fairly demanding job IRL.

Its been since Friday since I've heard from the bannister. I think my hacker mistake sent him over the edge. Dammit! Oh well, its not like I don't have enough lads in my inbox already! I need to send him a little parting thought. Or manifesto in this instance.

Quote:

Date: Tue, 28 Feb 2006 10:57:40 -0800 (PST)
From: "Larry Flynt"
Subject: Your status?
To: "BARR CURTIS DAVIS" <[email protected]>, [email protected]

Dear Cuntface Davis:

Are you familiar with the theory of multiple universes? It states that there are an infinite number of timelines parallel to our own. Pretty deep, huh? For instance, there might be a timeline where Neapolean successfully invaded England or where Rome never fell or where the Confederacy won the Civil War. Think about this: there might even be a timeline where I sent you $4650! Too fucking bad for you, it ain't this one, OSU.

That's right you fucking thief. It took you about one month to figure out that me, Anus and Damien were playing you like a fucking fiddle. That's a very special kind of stupid. Found your own asshole with both hands and a flashlight yet, dipshit? You think you're a big guyman? Bullshit. You are now and are always going to be a poverty stricken fucktard. In fact, you should probably act like this whole thing never happened around your oga. If he ever finds out, you're going to be ass raped daily by the biggest, baddest mutherfucka in the hood. Probably with a foreign object too, or maybe by a clydesdale. It won't be pretty, fuckface.

Did I forget to mention that you're also a complete pussy? You're not even man enough to steal from anybody face to face, are you? Does your stinking toto hurt, you fucking goat? God, you're beyond pathetic. Have you ever made more than 5 naria off this 419 shit, genius? I can just picture it now: you send 5 naria back to your mugu family every month. That will at least equal your ashewo mother's earnings from sucking hausa cock.

I can't wait for your retort. Let me guess. Will it be something like, "OOOOOO DEY WHITE MAN BI STEALIN FROM US NOW WE CHOP YOA DOLLAR"? You know what? I really don't fucking feel one bit guilty about your situation. You have lots of opportunites there in the UK, but you would rather squander them to spend your time scamming which, frankly, you suck dog dick at. And don't tell me that there aren't any opportunites there in the UK. There are plenty of ways to make yourself into a person of value who is respected instead of a sorry little poverty stricken 419 scammer. Don't pull this racist shit on me either. That's a fucking excuse and you know it. Do you think I know the Igbo language because I hate Africans? Far from it. I like the Igbo. No, seriously! I do! They're big on families, and I really respect that. What I don't respect is people like you justifying being a fucking thief. And a chickenshit coward of a thief at that. Tell me, does sending out thousands of emails a day trying to bilk innocent people out of their money really make up for being a little muffy osu who heels before his oga like a dog and has a cock like a horsefly?

The worst part of all this is (for you anyway) that I'm not the only one who fucks with retarded monkeys like yourself for fun. Far from it. Here's a thought... maybe I'm fucking with you from another one of my 15 or so email accounts! Wouldn't that just be humiliating for you if anybody else ever found out? Ha ha. Too late. You see, there are many many more of us than you would want to believe, asshole. Yeah, you mugus outnumber the vigilantes now, but for how long? You can't keep this up forever, fucktard. We'll find you!

I realise that concepts like subject-verb agreement and words with more than two syllables might go over your head, so let me frame my argument in terms you can understand: OOOGA BOOOGA!! OOOOGA BOOGA!!! Now get the bone out of your nose.

Ha ha! Next time your jacking off to Hustler, or hear Dreamweaver on the radio, just think of me! You never know when I'll be back, mugu!!!

Love,
Larry Fucking Flynt.
"I'm not arrogant. I'm just better than you."

AJI OTU NNE GI! Amu jie gi!! I yiri ikwikwi!!! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Hahahahahahahaahahahah!!!!

...and that, my friends, is how you do a burn. Stay tuned! More lad torture coming soon to a forum near you!

Posted: Thu Mar 02, 2006 3:03 am

Wonderful! Absolutely wonderful.

Posted: Fri Mar 03, 2006 2:43 am

BRAVO LARRY !!! clapping

Posted: Fri Mar 03, 2006 11:22 am

I think I woke my roommates up laughing so hard over this bait.

I didn't think baits could still be funny without trophies, but I was far from wrong.

Thanks for such a great thread!

Guest

I was looking through my inbox and found an email of his sent to me in the beginning of February.

He doesnt seem to eager to talk tough. I wonder why. Laughing

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