Torturing Tunde

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Posted: Thu Jul 07, 2005 6:43 pm

Tunde Smith sends this fantabulous Private Offer to my inbox.

Quote:

HI,
MY NAME IS MR. TUNDE SMITH, I AM AN ACCOUNTANT WITH THE NIGERIAN NATIONAL
PETROLEUM CORPORATION (NNPC), LAGOS. AND THIS MONEY ORIGINATED FROM
OVER-INVOICED CONTRACT EXECUTED FOR THE CORPORATION SOME YEARS BACK. THIS
CONTRACT HAS LONG BEEN COMPLETED BY A FOREIGN FIRM AND THE
CONTRACTOR DULY PAID. I NOW SEEK IF YOU WOULD PERMIT THE SURPLUS TO BE REMITTED
INTO YOUR ACCOUNT.AS A MATTER OF FACT, WE ARE TOP GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS AND WE
CANNOT COME OUT OPENLY TO CLAIM THIS AMOUNT. THIS IS WHY WE ARE LOOKING FOR A
COMPETENT AND HONEST COMPANY OR INDIVIDUAL ABROAD WHOSE DOCUMENTS WOULD BE
TENDERED BY US HERE IN NIGERIA AS ONE OF THE CONTRACTORS THAT EXECUTED THE
PROJECT.

IT IS MY PLEASURE TO WRITE AND INFORM YOU OF A TRANSACTION INVOLVING THE
TRANSFER OF US$16,000,000.00 (SIXTEEN MILLION U.S. DOLLARS) ONLY INTO A FOREIGN
ACCOUNT FOR SAFEKEEPING PENDING MY ARRIVAL WITH MY COLLEAGUES FOR THE SHARING
WITH YOU AS THE ACCOUNT OWNER INTO WHICH THE MONEY IS REMITTED. HOWEVER, I WOULD
WISH TO RECEIVE YOUR PERSONAL ASSURANCE THAT YOU WOULD NOT SIT ON THE MONEY WHEN
IT GOES INTO YOUR ACCOUNT. MORE IMPORTANTLY, YOU KEEP THIS TRANSACTION
CONFIDENTIAL, IN ORDER NOT TO TARNISH THE CONFIDENCE REPOSED ON THE OFFICIALS
INVOLVED IN THIS TRANSACTION.
TO EFFECT THIS TRANSFER, I WILL LIKE YOU TO REPLY TO THIS EMAIL, FOR FURTHER
DISCUSSIONS.

SO FAR, AFTER DUE CONSULTATIONS, YOU WERE STRONGLY AND RELIABLY RECOMMENDED TO
US ALTHOUGH WE HAVE NOT MET OR ENTERED INTO ANY KIND OF CONTRACT WITH YOU BEFORE
AS TO KNOW THE EXTENT OF YOUR HONESTY, BUT BASED ON THE RECOMMENDATIONS, I
PERSONALLY WANT TO BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE HONEST ENOUGH AND WOULD NOT SIT ON THE
MONEY WHEN FINALLY TRANSFERRED INTO YOUR ACCOUNT. IT IS ON THIS NOTE THAT I
CONSIDER IT PROPER TO WRITE YOU ASKING FOR YOUR PERMISSION AND SUPPORT TO
TRANSFER THIS AMOUNT INTO YOUR ACCOUNT. THIS TRANSACATION IS 100% RISK FREE.
HENCE IT REQUIRES HIGH LEVEL OF CONFIDENCE AND SECRECY. MEANWHILE THIS IS THE
BREAKDOWN OF THE SHARING MODALITIES: A. 30% IS FOR USING YOUR ACCOUNT. B. 70% OF
IT WILL BE FOR US THE ORIGINATORS. BE INFORMED THAT ON COMPLETION OF THIS
BUSINESS I WILL USE PART OF MY MONEY TO INVEST IN YOUR COUNTRY UNDER YOUR CARE.

MY DEEPEST PRAYERS FOR YOU. REMEMBER IT WILL BE OF A GREAT BENEFIT BETWEEN ME
YOU AND OUR FAMILY IN FUTURE.

YOURS FAITHFULLY.

MR. TUNDE SMITH

confidential email address: [email protected]

I toss off a not-very-well-thought-out reply.

Quote:

Who recommended me to you? And could you please stop typing in all caps? It's
hard to read and is considered rude, here.

Hannah

But Tunde's response is very promising. I sense a tweakable lad.

Quote:

Hi Hannah,
No body recommended you to, but i got ur mail address from a site
listing, which i cant even remember now.
Well sorry if i'm rude due to the way i presented my letter, but it
was just the way i could type them fast.

I believe you managed to read through the mail. Well do i have to
believe you will help?

Please tell me your position.

Thanks
T. Smith

In a fit of creativity, I decide to play a bit of a tough girl, who may or may not be part of a crime family. Depends on the day.

Quote:

> Hi Hannah,
> No body recommended you to,

So, then were you mistaken, or just lying when you said in your initial
letter, and I quote, caps and all:

"SO FAR, AFTER DUE CONSULTATIONS, YOU WERE STRONGLY AND RELIABLY RECOMMENDED
TO
US ALTHOUGH WE HAVE NOT MET OR ENTERED INTO ANY KIND OF CONTRACT WITH YOU
BEFORE
AS TO KNOW THE EXTENT OF YOUR HONESTY, BUT BASED ON THE RECOMMENDATIONS, I
PERSONALLY WANT TO BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE HONEST ENOUGH AND WOULD NOT SIT ON
THE
MONEY WHEN FINALLY TRANSFERRED INTO YOUR ACCOUNT."

>but i got ur mail address from a site
> listing, which i cant even remember now.

Tunde, Tunde, Tunde... how can I trust you if you start off your first letter
with such an incredibly large fib? Please, if you expect for me to help you,
you had better be prepared to be honest with me from now on. About
everything.

> Well sorry if i'm rude due to the way i presented my letter, but it
> was just the way i could type them fast.

Like I say, the all caps is just hard to read, and here, it's considered
shouting. I didn't think you meant to be rude.

>
> I believe you managed to read through the mail. Well do i have to
> believe you will help?
>
> Please tell me your position.
>
> Thanks
> T. Smith
>

I think I managed to understand most of it before the caps made my eyes cross
and my head hurt. Please briefly explain it again, just a condensed version. I
think I can help, but I want to make sure what I'm going to be doing, first.
And Tunde, if I catch you lying like that again, trust will be right out the
window. You can't go on and on about trust, then admit you were lying in the
very next email, and not expect there will be hell to pay. Because, Tunde, if
I catch you lying about something really important, there will be hell to
pay.

Hannah Leeds

Tunde puckers up and kisses my rear. Excellent. I sense much tweakage in your future, Tunde.

Quote:

Dear Hannah
I would like you to at least give me the benifit of trust as i have
before now tried to solict for a business partner
From your mail the Questions you asked show that you are a very
knowledgeable and intellegent Person and this is what prompt me to
want to do this business with you also trusting that you will,based on
the nature of this business transcation and the nature of my Job treat
this as onfidential
I will be sending you a conprehensive detail of this transcation in my
next mail
i wait upon your correspondence
Tunde Smith

I get a lengthy, scripted pile of crud.

Quote:

Dear Hannah

Thank you fot your mail And I will like youto know that my wanting
ro do a business deal of this Magnitude with you shows the Level of
Respect i have for you and If i have Given you any reason not to trust
me i with all modesty ask you to forgive me

My contacting you was based on the fact that as
"Civil Servants" we are not allowed to own foreign
accounts and moreso, though we are highly placed, we
are poorly paid in our country, so we are seizing
this opportunity as a means to feather our nest.

The modalities for the commencement and successful
actualization of this mutually beneficiary transaction
are as follows: There would be a need for your
Company's name or Personal Name as your Company would be introduced by
us as Bonafide Contractor with The Nigerian National Petroleum
Coporation (N.N.P.C)
who executed a Contract with us. That is, this
transaction is perfected to take the semblance of a
contract payment whereby the contractor in question
and the beneficiary of the claim is you/your company

To actualize the above, we intend to follow all
procedures stipulated by the Foreign Contractors
Amendment ACT 1995, which relates to our transaction.
We would make sure that we secure the registration of
your company as a foreign contractor with our ministry
under category "B" . This is because only bonafide
registered companies are awarded contracts. We would
also incorporate you company here in Nigeria as a
construction company as well as obtain a tax clearance
certificate to cover three years of your company's
existence here in Nigeria

However, for the procurement of these documents we
would be needing the following information:
1) Your Name / company's name
2) Your Address/ company's address.
3) confidential phone/fax numbers

The above information will enable us write letters of
claim and job description
respectively. This way we will use your company's name
to apply for payment and re-award the contract in your
company's name.

Once approvals by the various governmental parastals
is given, the funds will then be transferred into your
designated bank account

At the end of this transaction, I will travel to the country of your
nominated account for the purpose of disbursement of the funds and
with your assistance utilize our share for the importation
of goods back to Nigeria.

These documents to be procured, will aide for the
Legal backing/Authenticity of this whole transaction,

so please do not let us down. Moreso, do kindly
provide me with your confidential direct
telephone number for better communication
we look forward in the immediate commencement of this
trasansaction ones we get the full detailed required
information from you for the procurement of the
necessary required document.

We are looking forward to doing this business with you
and solicit your confidentiality in this transaction.
Please acknowledge the receipt of this mail, I will
bring you into the complete picture of this pending
project when I have heard from you

Best Regards
Tunde Smith

I commence being difficult.

Quote:

> Dear Hannah
>
> Thank you fot your mail And I will like youto know that my wanting
> ro do a business deal of this Magnitude with you shows the Level of
> Respect i have for you and If i have Given you any reason not to trust
> me i with all modesty ask you to forgive me
>
> My contacting you was based on the fact that as
> "Civil Servants" we are not allowed to own foreign
> accounts and moreso, though we are highly placed, we
> are poorly paid in our country, so we are seizing
> this opportunity as a means to feather our nest.
>
> The modalities for the commencement and successful
> actualization of this mutually beneficiary transaction
> are as follows: There would be a need for your
> Company's name or Personal Name as your Company would be introduced by
> us as Bonafide Contractor with The Nigerian National Petroleum
> Coporation (N.N.P.C)
> who executed a Contract with us. That is, this
> transaction is perfected to take the semblance of a
> contract payment whereby the contractor in question
> and the beneficiary of the claim is you/your company

I don't have a company, so that would need to be my personal name.

>
> To actualize the above, we intend to follow all
> procedures stipulated by the Foreign Contractors
> Amendment ACT 1995, which relates to our transaction.
> We would make sure that we secure the registration of
> your company as a foreign contractor with our ministry
> under category "B" . This is because only bonafide
> registered companies are awarded contracts.

Again, I don't have a company. I'm part owner in a family business of sorts,
but I'm not willing to involve that company. That company would like to stay
below the radar, if you get what I'm saying.

>We would
> also incorporate you company here in Nigeria as a
> construction company as well as obtain a tax clearance
> certificate to cover three years of your company's
> existence here in Nigeria

And is this legal, considering I don't HAVE a company?

>
> However, for the procurement of these documents we
> would be needing the following information:
> 1) Your Name / company's name
> 2) Your Address/ company's address.
> 3) confidential phone/fax numbers

Before I give you any information, I need to know if this is legal. Are you
breaking the law by doing this?

>
> The above information will enable us write letters of
> claim and job description
> respectively. This way we will use your company's name
> to apply for payment and re-award the contract in your
> company's name.

Isn't this fraud? After all, you're suggesting we say my non-existant company
did contract work in Nigeria. And it didn't. Would this not be illegal, and if
not, at least highly unethical? Have you ever been involved in a fraud of this
magnitude before?

>
> Once approvals by the various governmental parastals
> is given, the funds will then be transferred into your
> designated bank account

What is a parastal? And what sort of bank account? Savings, checking, newly
opened and empty?

>
> At the end of this transaction, I will travel to the country of your
> nominated account for the purpose of disbursement of the funds and
> with your assistance utilize our share for the importation
> of goods back to Nigeria.

What sort of "goods"? I don't want to get involved with smugglers or drug
dealers that are just going to get caught and rat me out. If you're importing
stolen goods or something illegal, you had better be able to keep the oath of
silence. My family and I have our fingers in enough pies over here already.
I'd rather not draw extra attention by getting involved with a foreign group
who can't keep their head down.

>
> These documents to be procured, will aide for the
> Legal backing/Authenticity of this whole transaction,
>
> so please do not let us down. Moreso, do kindly
> provide me with your confidential direct
> telephone number for better communication
> we look forward in the immediate commencement of this
> trasansaction ones we get the full detailed required
> information from you for the procurement of the
> necessary required document.

I'll give you my information when you've answered my questions to my
satisfaction.

>
>
>
> We are looking forward to doing this business with you
> and solicit your confidentiality in this transaction.
> Please acknowledge the receipt of this mail, I will
> bring you into the complete picture of this pending
> project when I have heard from you
>
>
> Best Regards
> Tunde Smith
>

You had better be worrying about your own ability to keep this confidential.
Myself and my business associates, we have no problems keeping secrets. We
know what to do with people with loose lips, if you know what I mean.

Hannah Leeds

I get Tunde to admit what he's doing is unethical! Go, me!

Quote:

Hannah
Thank you for your Prompt Response once again

As i have told you in my mail we are going to follow all the necessary
steps to Validly give this Business transcation all the Legal Backing
it requires under the Laws of the Federal Republic of Nigeria

2:after all the Procument of Documents from the Necessary Authorities
we will have the full Legal Capacity to Go on with this Transcation
I am a man of Standing Repute in my Country I have Put in 23years into
the Civil service in my country i have Been Given Chieftency Titles
for my imense Contribution to my immidiate Community in Particular and
the General Nigerian Society in General I cannot and will not Throw
all this away .

If you say Unethical Yes, as i told you we are Highly Placed But poorly paid

If i have ever been involved in a deal of this kind of magnitude before
i must say with all sencerity That i, During the Military era in my
Country was engaged in this kind of transcation by the bottle necks in
the Country As we solicited for the Logding of their funds aboard

As part of giving the transcation its full Legality we will procure
The documents and Clearance from the N.N.P.C which awarded the country
The Apex bank in the country
The federal ministry of Petroleum and the minitry of Finance and also
the in land Revenue Board All these are the Parasetals
We intent to invest in a legal inportation of goods into our country
as part of investing our share into business
I hope all these are answers to your Questions

Have a blessed week ahead
I hope to hear from you soon

T.Smith

It's the beginning of a long, beautiful torture session with Tunde.

Posted: Thu Jul 14, 2005 7:57 pm

I like to challenge my lads, stretch their imaginations, and so on. So I'm thrilled when Tunde is very willing to answer my every suspicion... I mean, question.

Quote:

> Hannah
> Thank you for your Prompt Response once again
>
> As i have told you in my mail we are going to follow all the necessary
> steps to Validly give this Business transcation all the Legal Backing
> it requires under the Laws of the Federal Republic of Nigeria
>

But I'm here in the States. Have you checked to see if I'm breaking the law
here if I assist you?

> 2:after all the Procument of Documents from the Necessary Authorities
> we will have the full Legal Capacity to Go on with this Transcation
> I am a man of Standing Repute in my Country I have Put in 23years into
> the Civil service in my country i have Been Given Chieftency Titles

What? Ikemba? You're Igbo?

> for my imense Contribution to my immidiate Community in Particular and
> the General Nigerian Society in General I cannot and will not Throw
> all this away .

What have you done that's such a wonderful contribution? I certainly hope
you're not willing to throw away your reputation. In my business, reputation
is everything. If you can't bank on your reputation, you can't bank on
anything.

>
> If you say Unethical Yes, as i told you we are Highly Placed But poorly paid

>

Oh, so you admit you're crooked. Finally. Now we're getting somewhere. I never
cut a deal with a crook that's less than honest about being crooked. Kudos for
finally admitting you're doing something wrong. I was going to cut off contact
if you kept sticking to that namby story about nothing being wrong with what
you're doing.

> If i have ever been involved in a deal of this kind of magnitude before
> i must say with all sencerity That i, During the Military era in my
> Country was engaged in this kind of transcation by the bottle necks in
> the Country As we solicited for the Logding of their funds aboard
>

Funds aboard what? Did you not finish that sentence.

> As part of giving the transcation its full Legality we will procure
> The documents and Clearance from the N.N.P.C which awarded the country
> The Apex bank in the country

Look, man, call a spade a spade. You're ripping someone off, and it's fraud.
If you're going to pull a job, at least have the balls to be proud of it.
Discreet, but proud.

> The federal ministry of Petroleum and the minitry of Finance and also
> the in land Revenue Board All these are the Parasetals
> We intent to invest in a legal inportation of goods into our country
> as part of investing our share into business

I can get you in touch with some friends who can help you with importing some
not so legal things, if you get my drift. All contingent on this deal working
out, of course. My sources are very well protected, and they could sneak a
container ship full of elephants into a country if they wanted. Maybe they
could help you out, if you actually get the spine to import something a little
more profitable.

> I hope all these are answers to your Questions
>
> Have a blessed week ahead
> I hope to hear from you soon
>
> T.Smith
>

Next step, please.

Hannah

I even gave him the hint that I know a little more about him than he knows about me, with that Igbo comment.

I'm surprised it doesn't put him off.

He's very up front about committing fraud, for a lad.

Quote:

I will like you to trust in me the only thing is the tax laws in your
country which due to the method of the way the funds will be
transfered you will have no problems or if you envisage any problem
let me know

I am not igbo i am yoruba

i have over the years lobbied the federal government as regards
contracts to enhance the living condition of my immidiate community
Hannah i will like to know if you are intrested in assisting me if you
say it is fraud Oh yes which is 100% risk free and incapable of
failure after this Business deal all the documents for this business
will be distroyed and if you do wish not to establish futher
communication after you might have help me invest me part of the funds
Oh well and good
when i say of loadging of funds abroad i mean a similar kind of deal
we were never rewarded and like i told you we are highly placed and
poorly paid
very soon i will be retiring from the civil service so you should understand me
I am not ripping any body off I am just trying to grab a share of our
country national cake at it is often referred to here
I await your response if you are intrested in assisting me as upon the
procument of all the relevant document and approval from the
appopripate government authorities the funds are suppose to hit your
nominated account within 21 working days

T.Smith

My character likes her crooks honest.

Quote:

So, in summary, yes, you're a crook. Yes, you're doing something unethical and
probably fraudulent, and taking something that doesn't belong to you. Do I
care? No. But if you're going to be a crook, at least have the balls to admit
it to a fellow crook. Stop trying to straddle the line and say what you're
doing is okay.

Am I willing to help? Yes. So tell me what I need to do next.

Hannah

He is kind of unsure and wavers between this being "legal" and "illegal" though.

Quote:

Dear Hannah
i must commend you greatly for wanting to assist me like i told you
in one of my mails i will be needing your name as it will introduced
be us as Bonafide Contractor with our Ministry who executed a
Contract with us. That is, this
transaction is perfected to take the semblance of a
contract payment whereby the contractor in question
and the beneficiary of the claim is you
also your full detailed information
Confidential phone and Fax Numbers for easy communication upon
recieving of your mail i will immidiately start with the
notarisation of your complete detailed information in
the High Court of Justice here in lagos, with this
move, we are sure of the legal backing of this whole
transaction.
Thank you

Chief Tunde Smith.

My reply is pretty "to the point".

Quote:

> Dear Hannah
> i must commend you greatly for wanting to assist me like i told you
> in one of my mails i will be needing your name as it will introduced
> be us as Bonafide Contractor with our Ministry who executed a
> Contract with us. That is, this
> transaction is perfected to take the semblance of a
> contract payment whereby the contractor in question
> and the beneficiary of the claim is you
> also your full detailed information

Hannah Renee Leeds is my full name.

> Confidential phone and Fax Numbers for easy communication upon
> recieving of your mail i will immidiately start with the
> notarisation of your complete detailed information in
> the High Court of Justice here in lagos, with this
> move, we are sure of the legal backing of this whole
> transaction.
> Thank you

At the moment, my fax is broken, but you should be able to reach me by phone
at 206-343-0011. If you need to fax something, let me know, and maybe I can
give you a friend's fax number or ours will be fixed by then.

Hannah

I give him the "funny payphone message" number. He phones, and the message tells him to insert another quarter.

Yay! We're ready for an avalanche of documents.

Quote:

Hello Hannah
I am in receipt of your email correspondence as
regards your detailed information for the
commencement of this mutally beneficial transaction. However You did
fail to provide Us with an address which is also a requisite

However, I will by on Monday start with the
notarisation of your complete detailed information in
the High Court of Justice here in lagos,
and subsequently my colleagues will be leaving for
the Federal Capital Territory (Abuja) for the
procurement of the following document

1. The Certificate of Registration of your comapny as
"Renee Leeds Construction Nigeria Limited,
2. The Certificate of incoporation of your Company as
"Renee Leeds Construction Nigeria Limited, a
subsidiary of "Renee Leeds Company, and
3. The Income Tax clearance Certificate of your
Company.
4.The award of contract to Renee Leeds Construction
company by the Nigerian National Petroleum Coporation
lastly,
the approval and payment of contract sum to Renee Leeds Construction
Company by the Presidency

Once my colleague is back from Abuja, the Federal
capital Territory with all these required documents, i
will send them to you for your perusals. With this
move also this project is sure of due
Authenticity/Legal backing, free from all sorts of
fears by both parties.

In the light of this, i will be most pleased if you
duly follow all our instructions in order not to
jeopardise the "Strict Confidentiality" of this whole Transcation
as your Fax mechine is Down based on the confidentiality of this
business i will prefer sending you the documents vie attactments
through the email
Note very importantly, that all expenses incured
during the realisation of this transaction will be
re-embursed/given back to both parties as soon as the
funds have successfully arrived your account,from the
10%. So while you keep your 30%, i and my colleagues,
will keep our 70%.

At the end of this whole project, i and two of my
colleagues will be in your country for the
disbursement of the funds. Please , do not let us
down.

I sincerely do await your Correspondence .

Best Regards,

Chief, Tunde Smith .

Posted: Fri Jul 15, 2005 7:59 pm

I question Tunde's math skills just a tad.

Quote:

> Hello Hannah
> I am in receipt of your email correspondence as
> regards your detailed information for the
> commencement of this mutally beneficial transaction. However You did
> fail to provide Us with an address which is also a requisite
>

You can use 325 Moyan Drive Charrida, Washington.

> However, I will by on Monday start with the
> notarisation of your complete detailed information in
> the High Court of Justice here in lagos,
> and subsequently my colleagues will be leaving for
> the Federal Capital Territory (Abuja) for the
> procurement of the following document
>
> 1. The Certificate of Registration of your comapny as
> "Renee Leeds Construction Nigeria Limited,

What? Why would I have a company using only my middle and last names? We don't
do things that way over here. Either you can use my full name "Hannah Renee
Leeds Construction" or just "Leeds Construction".

> 2. The Certificate of incoporation of your Company as
> "Renee Leeds Construction Nigeria Limited, a
> subsidiary of "Renee Leeds Company, and
> 3. The Income Tax clearance Certificate of your
> Company.

Again, fix the name.

> 4.The award of contract to Renee Leeds Construction
> company by the Nigerian National Petroleum Coporation
> lastly,
> the approval and payment of contract sum to Renee Leeds Construction
> Company by the Presidency
>
> Once my colleague is back from Abuja, the Federal
> capital Territory with all these required documents, i
> will send them to you for your perusals. With this
> move also this project is sure of due
> Authenticity/Legal backing, free from all sorts of
> fears by both parties.
>
> In the light of this, i will be most pleased if you
> duly follow all our instructions in order not to
> jeopardise the "Strict Confidentiality" of this whole Transcation
> as your Fax mechine is Down based on the confidentiality of this
> business i will prefer sending you the documents vie attactments
> through the email.

Actually, the fax is fixed. You can fax them to me at 206-666-3170, now.
Please fax them.

> Note very importantly, that all expenses incured
> during the realisation of this transaction will be
> re-embursed/given back to both parties as soon as the
> funds have successfully arrived your account,from the
> 10%. So while you keep your 30%, i and my colleagues,
> will keep our 70%.

That's 110%, Tunde. I think you mean you get 63% of the original total, and I
get 27% of the original total. Otherwise the math doesn't work.

>
> At the end of this whole project, i and two of my
> colleagues will be in your country for the
> disbursement of the funds. Please , do not let us
> down.
>
> I sincerely do await your Correspondence .
>
> Best Regards,
>
> Chief, Tunde Smith .
>

Look forward to having those documents faxed to me. With the correct names.

Hannah

Farscape fans may also note a slight nod.

Why Tunde claims he can't get me on the phone. I can't imagine why.

Quote:

Dear Hannah
I have been trying to get you on phone but to no avail
i have been able to procure some of the doucment the certificate of
registration and the tax clearance which i will send down now .i would
have sent down before now but due to the expenses i incure from the
preparation i will be sendind down the others next week
I will like you to if you have nominated an account for the
transcation to send me the details of the account or if you wich to
open a seperate one for this business please let me know
Upon Clearance from the other government agencies the other documents
will be sent to you like i have told you you have been legally and
validly the benificiary of the said funds through the contract that
was awarded to Leeds Construction Company Nigeria Ltd. you will be
required to open an account here in Nigeria with the Apex Bank as the
funds will after been paid into will be transfered in batches less
than a hundred thousand dollars as not to create too much awareness in
your country we would also after the account has been opened with the
apex bank in my country for the payment of the contract sum you fell
you can recieve the Funds in Two batches of 8 million usd Each do let
me know immidiately
I did not really want to let you know about this but i fell you have
really open up and proven your self as some one i can trust i had to
mortgage my living apartment to be able to procure all the documents
the sharing % i had made a little mistake is 60% for me 30% for you
and 10% for the expenses both parties will incure
i would have very much wanted to speak to you on the phone

Thank you for your understanding
As you receive the documents for your perusal please notify me

Chief Tunde Smith

He's very attentive. Checks up on me and everything.

Quote:

Hannah
how are you today I would like you to acknoweledge this mail if you
have received the fax i have sent with any necessary question s

Thank you
Chief T Smith

You may have noticed, boys and girls, that Tunde has made a terrible, terrible mistake. He's promised to pay all the costs from the fund itself, and front the cost on his own dime for now. (Or I read it that way.) And I sure as hell am not letting him wiggle out of it. I start to plant the seeds for what turns out to be an exquisite lad-whooping later. Or I enjoyed it.

Quote:

> Dear Hannah
> I have been trying to get you on phone but to no avail
> i have been able to procure some of the doucment the certificate of
> registration and the tax clearance which i will send down now .i would
> have sent down before now but due to the expenses i incure from the
> preparation i will be sendind down the others next week
> I will like you to if you have nominated an account for the
> transcation to send me the details of the account or if you wich to
> open a seperate one for this business please let me know

I'm going to open a new one. Does it have to be a particular type of account?
And could you please write with more attention to proper capitalization and
punctuation? Your messages is a giant blob of a run-on sentence and it's very
hard to read and understand.

> Upon Clearance from the other government agencies the other documents
> will be sent to you like i have told you you have been legally and
> validly the benificiary of the said funds through the contract that
> was awarded to Leeds Construction Company Nigeria Ltd. you will be
> required to open an account here in Nigeria with the Apex Bank as the
> funds will after been paid into will be transfered in batches less
> than a hundred thousand dollars as not to create too much awareness in
> your country we would also after the account has been opened with the
> apex bank in my country for the payment of the contract sum you fell
> you can recieve the Funds in Two batches of 8 million usd Each do let
> me know immidiately

Could you please direct me to the Apex bank website? I can't seem to find it
online. I wanted to check out the bank before all of this gets under way.

> I did not really want to let you know about this but i fell you have
> really open up and proven your self as some one i can trust i had to
> mortgage my living apartment to be able to procure all the documents
> the sharing % i had made a little mistake is 60% for me 30% for you
> and 10% for the expenses both parties will incure
> i would have very much wanted to speak to you on the phone

That's fine. I mean, after all, all of the expenses are coming out of the
account anyway, it's not like either one of us are going to be incurring any
out of pocket expenses in the long run. You can reimburse your mortgage costs
out of that 10% if you like.

>
> Thank you for your understanding
> As you receive the documents for your perusal please notify me
>
> Chief Tunde Smith
>

I assume you faxed them, then? I checked and there was no fax.

Hannah

Tunde doesn't seem to notice at first. I take that as tacit consent.

Quote:

Did You Receive my Fax ?

Do Reconfirm your phone and Fax Numbers

Tunde

I get the address of the bank, finally.

Quote:

Hannah
I asked you if you can convinently accomodate the said sum and if you
got the Fax i sent to you the web site of our country,s apex bank is

http://www.cenbank.org

the official at the apex bank asr asking for a kick back
what is normally referred to as tips in your country for the Funds
release document The funds are soppose to hit your account by next
week upon the release of the foreign contractor funds release
documents
so you will be required to assist us with 3thousand 0ne hundred
dollars to bribe this officials at the apex bank as you do know i have
taken care of all expenses that will be made
T smith

For those of you who may just now be joining us, this is (despite its "early days of the web homepage" look, the real, legit address of the Central Bank of Nigeria. Says nothing about Apex Bank. Has a giant 419 tab that contains warnings about this type of scam. Does this deter lads from giving you the address? Nope.

I decide to get tough and see what Tunde does. I also give him a little cultural lesson, and a bit on respecting a busy woman's time.

Quote:

> Hannah
> I asked you if you can convinently accomodate the said sum and if you
> got the Fax i sent to you the web site of our country,s apex bank is

Number one rule, Tunde. Keep your fucking shirt on. I am a very busy woman,
and I will respond to you when I respond to you.

>
> http://www.cenbank.org

That is the most eye-assaulting bank website I've ever seen. Damn, it's ugly.
Is everything over there designed in Dayglo colors?

>
> the official at the apex bank asr asking for a kick back
> what is normally referred to as tips in your country for the Funds
> release document The funds are soppose to hit your account by next
> week upon the release of the foreign contractor funds release
> documents
> so you will be required to assist us with 3thousand 0ne hundred
> dollars to bribe this officials at the apex bank as you do know i have
> taken care of all expenses that will be made
> T smith

Listen, Tunde, we don't do that fucking shit here in the States. We don't
damned well tip the banker BEFORE he does his job. If the banker wants a
damned bribe, you pay him out of that 10% you set aside for expenses. You make
that happen, Tunde. If you can't make that happen, you give me his name, and
we're going to have a little "talk". He will either come down on that bribe,
or he will be begging to fucking pay us for the privilege of handling our
money.

But velvet glove first. Tell him you'll give him $4000 if he'll wait until
after the transfer for his "tip". If not, you hand him over to me, and the
bastard will sure as hell be doing it for less, if not free.

Hannah

Posted: Tue Jul 19, 2005 5:36 pm

Tunde thinks I don't speak like a lady! Well, honestly!

Quote:

My Dear Friend
I will Greatly appriciate it if we restrict our communication in a
more official manner
I for one do respect you a lot as a person and i believe that you
should also reciprocate this
your Language FUCKING in our african tradition is a very derogatory
word so i will appriciate it once again if you can in your futher mail
address me more officially

I quite appriciate the fact that you are a busy person .
I had discussed with the officers at the bank and he regected the
offer of the 4000$ after the transfer saying that in the recent past
he had accepted the offer and that after the transfer has been made
that was the end of it all

I for one will like you to tell me how much you can come up with so
that i scout arround for the balance
as you do know time is of the essence
you did not answer my question as to the bank accout if you can
accomodate the said contract sum and if you got my FAX

I humbly await your response so we go on with it
Re gards to your whole family over there

Chief Tunde Smith

How much can I come up with? Oh, Tunde, are you in for a surprise...

Quote:

> My Dear Friend
> I will Greatly appriciate it if we restrict our communication in a
> more official manner
> I for one do respect you a lot as a person and i believe that you
> should also reciprocate this
> your Language FUCKING in our african tradition is a very derogatory
> word so i will appriciate it once again if you can in your futher mail
> address me more officially

Look, man, in my family business, a well-placed "fucking" is worth a dozen
twiddly little "official communications". It lets people know you mean
business.

>
> I quite appriciate the fact that you are a busy person .
> I had discussed with the officers at the bank and he regected the
> offer of the 4000$ after the transfer saying that in the recent past
> he had accepted the offer and that after the transfer has been made
> that was the end of it all

Give me his contact information. I'll screw his head on straight. Now. By the
time I get through with him, he'll be begging to send me $4000.

>
> I for one will like you to tell me how much you can come up with so
> that i scout arround for the balance
> as you do know time is of the essence
> you did not answer my question as to the bank accout if you can
> accomodate the said contract sum and if you got my FAX
>
> I humbly await your response so we go on with it
> Re gards to your whole family over there
>
> Chief Tunde Smith
>

For the millionth time, no, your fax did not come through. And you said in a
previous mail that you had it covered.

> I did not really want to let you know about this but i fell you have
> really open up and proven your self as some one i can trust i had to
> mortgage my living apartment to be able to procure all the documents
> the sharing % i had made a little mistake is 60% for me 30% for you
> and 10% for the expenses both parties will incure
> i would have very much wanted to speak to you on the phone

Hannah

I figure he'll soon fade away, with me responding like that, but surprisingly, he sticks around.

Not the response he was hoping for, I'm sure, but he plugs on.

Quote:

Hannah
I was on an official assingnment that is why i could not responde to
your mail eariler before now
the contact info of the account officer is
Name: john Hill
Email: [email protected]
His Phone number is +234-803-8350032

Tom

Tom? Why, this is outrageous! I reply in my usual, dainty manner.

Quote:

> Hannah
> I was on an official assingnment that is why i could not responde to
> your mail eariler before now
> the contact info of the account officer is
> Name: john Hill
> Email: [email protected]
> His Phone number is +234-803-8350032
>
> Tom
>

Tom!? Who the fuck is this? Who is Tom? And why are you in Tunde's email
account? Tunde, you enormous Nellie, did you let someone compromise your
account security?

Hannah

Tunde, of course, comes up with a lame excuse.

Quote:

Dear Hannah
Sorry for not responding to your mail ever since i really had a busy
schedule my middle name is Tom
Chief Tunde Tom Smith
which is mostly referred by my close associates
how are you and how is your family business how not bad have you
contacted the bank official
please i will need you to reconfirm your phone number so we can at
least discuss on the phone
the number you gave me hardly goes through my dearest regards

TundeT Smith

Not bad, for a lad excuse.

I let him dangle a while.

Quote:

Dear Hannah
How are you
iwas expecting a positive response from you have you opened the
account and have you contacted the bank officer please i belive that
we have to move fast Since you did not get the faxes i will send you
the documents through attactment vie email

thank you

Tunde

I finally contact John, and copy Tunde. I give them a cultural lesson on bribery vs. tipping in the States.

Quote:

I'm copying this to Tunde, so he knows you've been contacted, John.

Listen up, you weasely little asshole of a banker. You can either take the
$4000 after the money goes through, or you can forget about getting any money.
That "tipping" shit doesn't fly over here in the States. We tip waiters AFTER
we've eaten our fill, not BEFORE they do the job. Tunde already tried to talk
some sense into you, but you wouldn't listen. If you do a good job, I might
even toss in an extra thousand. But you aren't getting fuckall until you
actually DO your job.

If you don't want to work before you get paid, you can fuck off. I've got
enough business partners making money for me. And none of them want money
before they've done a satisfactory job. Either do business our way, or forget
it. I don't have time for this "bribe me up front" shit.

Oh, and if you get my gender wrong and call me "Sir", I may just be motivated
to get one of the boys that work for me to fly to the bank and shove your head
up your arse. And he will be tipped handsomely. After he does the job.

Ms. Hannah Leeds

Posted: Wed Jul 20, 2005 7:51 pm

I get a little lecture on how I chose to tackle the banker.

And a little "boo hoo hoo, I'm poorly paid" on the side.

Quote:

Hannah
I was immidiately contacfted by John Hill after he read your mail
Is you do know this deal is illegal and my John and othe officers are
the right people to legalise this transcation so i do not believe that
it is wise of us to Jeaopardise this venture of ours that i have
invested both money and time for if you do not know from what he told
me he is not the only one benifiting from this 3100usd he also has to
make the money go round so i believe that we should not because of
this little fee jeopardise this whole transcation it was never my
intention to ask you for any funds it is just for the singular fact
that i spent more than i budgeted for the tax clearance and
registration of company certificates if not i would have meet thew
little payment myself
I have asked you for the Optim time about the account the funds will
be transfered into and also for you to provide me with a phone number
to reach you as your line hardly goes through
you do know how much this business means to me if i let this slip out
of my way i dont thing in another life time i will have this
opputunity again like i told you i am a poor civil servant
Please in your correspondence i will like you to address the issues i
have raised
if you cannot be able to meet thew 3100usd please i will likeyou to
tell my how much you will be able to make out as you do know the
documents itselve cost me money to prepare
Regards
Your Friend and Business Partner
T.T Smith

I am Not Nice(TM) in return.

Quote:

> Hannah
> I was immidiately contacfted by John Hill after he read your mail
> Is you do know this deal is illegal

Exactly. Which is why I'm not putting up with this shit. If you can't even
talk the banker into doing what you want, what are your chances for pulling
off this crime without ending up in a jail cell as someone's girlfriend? Slim,
that's what.

>and my John and othe officers are
> the right people to legalise this transcation

Then he should damned well know how to do his job, keep his head down, and get
it done. If he can't accept my terms, tough shit.

>so i do not believe that
> it is wise of us to Jeaopardise

That some new game show by Merv Griffin?

>this venture of ours that i have
> invested both money and time

Try investing some skill. If you can't close the deal, you shouldn't have
started it.

>for if you do not know from what he told
> me he is not the only one benifiting from this 3100usd he also has to
> make the money go round

Boo fucking hoo. I don't care if he's got fifteen grotty little brats and
seven employees that he's cutting in on the deal. He knows my terms. He can
accept them or not. I notice he didn't even have the balls to reply to me
himself. I notice he got you to do it. Know what? I don't think either of you
have the cojones to pull this off anyway.

>so i believe that we should not because of
> this little fee jeopardise this whole transcation it was never my
> intention to ask you for any funds it is just for the singular fact
> that i spent more than i budgeted for the tax clearance and
> registration of company certificates if not i would have meet thew
> little payment myself

It is not my fault you can't do math or stick to a budget. You told me you had
it covered. If you don't, too bad for you. No skin off my nose.

> I have asked you for the Optim time about the account the funds will
> be transfered into and also for you to provide me with a phone number
> to reach you as your line hardly goes through

It is also not my fault that you can't operate a phone properly. No one else,
including my friends and associates in Italy and Sicily, have had a problem
getting through.

> you do know how much this business means to me if i let this slip out
> of my way i dont thing in another life time i will have this
> opputunity again like i told you i am a poor civil servant

Too bad. Do you think some pathetic little sob story is going to make me spend
money on a business deal you obviously can't pull off? If you and your wimp
banker can't do it, I would just be throwing money away. And I didn't get
where I am by throwing money away.

> Please in your correspondence i will like you to address the issues i
> have raised
> if you cannot be able to meet thew 3100usd please i will likeyou to
> tell my how much you will be able to make out as you do know the
> documents itselve cost me money to prepare

Oh, I can afford the money. I'm just not going to send it. Like I said, you
obviously don't have the brains, balls, or combination to pull this off, so I
think I would just be throwing money away. You said I wouldn't have to spend
any of my own money, that you had it covered. If it fell through due to your
bad planning and lack of business sense, tough.

> Regards
> Your Friend and Business Partner
> T.T Smith
>

You aren't my friend, Tunde.I don't even know what you look like. And if you
can't get your shit together, you certainly aren't my business partner,
either.

Hannah

I figure this is sure to make him go away. Unbelievably, it doesn't.

The little nitwit thinks he can bully me into it because I'm a woman. Little does he know this makes me even more determined to toast his sorry behind. With a flamethrower.

Quote:

Look Lady
you think that i am playing over here or what
the way things are operated here is quite different from the way they
are operational there ok
before i contacted you in the first instance i have made all
arangement for every
you were telling me i did not do my budget well
look i made my budget right as regards the procurment of the documents
do u have a fixed amount to bribe officials in your contry here we
dont
and if you dont mind i asked you about the account and you have not
been able to address that issue
i will try your line latter today

Smith

The "Look Lady" had me rolling on the ground for about ten minutes.

And he seems all defensive about his budgeting skills. Bet he can't balance his checkbook.

I'm not swayed. I figure this is my final kissoff, but again, it's not.

Quote:

> Look Lady
> you think that i am playing over here or what

I'm beginning to think the only thing you can do properly is play with
yourself. You certainly can't do business.

> the way things are operated here is quite different from the way they
> are operational there ok

Could be why your country is such a shithole and has such a bad reputation,
then.

> before i contacted you in the first instance i have made all
> arangement for every
> you were telling me i did not do my budget well
> look i made my budget right as regards the procurment of the documents

If you budgeted correctly, you shouldn't be having to ask me for money. You
are asking me for money, claiming you don't have money for the bribe,
therefore you did not budget correctly. I rest my case. If bribery is expected
in your country, you should have known that and budgeted accordingly, then.

> do u have a fixed amount to bribe officials in your contry here we
> dont

We don't fucking HAVE to BRIBE people to do their fucking JOBS here. We're not
all so pathetically lazy that we have to be paid up front to get up off our
sorry arses and do something. Maybe you lazy goatfuckers should try having a
real WORK ETHIC and see how that works out. You know, dedication to hard work
and pride in your job, not being so damned lazy that you have to be paid to
draw breath.

> and if you dont mind i asked you about the account and you have not
> been able to address that issue
> i will try your line latter today
>
> Smith
>

Try my line all you want. Doesn't change the fact that I'm not sending you a
penny out of my own pocket.

Hannah

Suddenly, Tunde finds an investor and seems to think this is a dating site...

Quote:

hannah i have made arrangement with some body who is willing to loan
the funds to us he will be sending you six thousand dollars which you
will like wise send down he is in canada and has promised to send to
you money order of six thousand dollars which you will lodge in your
account and if it cleared you send the money down to cover the
expenses and also for the cost of transfer
i will like to know if this is ok with you and lets move on
have you been able to open the account as promised
i envisage meeting you in no soon time when we have seled up this business deal
i will like you to cofirm your billing adress so the money order get
to you safely i hink when i come over there to your country i will ike
to know you better you sound like a really though lady
out of curiousity were you ones marriade and how old are you

Tunde

The thought of a "love bait" makes my skin crawl, so I put paid to that right now.

Quote:

> hannah i have made arrangement with some body who is willing to loan
> the funds to us he will be sending you six thousand dollars which you
> will like wise send down he is in canada and has promised to send to
> you money order of six thousand dollars which you will lodge in your
> account and if it cleared you send the money down to cover the
> expenses and also for the cost of transfer

That's more like it. I assume he gets a cut of the proceeds after the
transfer?

> i will like to know if this is ok with you and lets move on
> have you been able to open the account as promised
> i envisage meeting you in no soon time when we have seled up this business
deal
> i will like you to cofirm your billing adress so the money order get
> to you safely

You can send it to the following address. I'm doing a three-week, on-site
consulting job in Alabama, and I can receive mail at this address while I'm
there. Don't worry, it's a secure post office box. Anonymous. I just opened it
so I can receive the money order safely.

Hannah Leeds
Safe PO Box removed

I'll have access to email, of course, and once I receive the money order, I
will pass along the account information.

>i hink when i come over there to your country i will ike
> to know you better you sound like a really though lady
> out of curiousity were you ones marriade and how old are you
>
> Tunde
>

Thirty-five, and hell, yeah, I'm married. My husband Frank is just as tough as
I am.

Hannah

Posted: Mon Aug 08, 2005 2:15 pm

So, anyway, Tunde starts with the fun documents. Here, he sends me a crap incorporation certificate for my non-existent company that would make a five-year-old cry if you gave it to them as a "perfect attendance certificate". It has that "old school" mimeographed look. And he cuts it off the first time he sends it.

Tunde needs to learn the fine art of the comma. He always sounds breathless to me. And who is Clarance?

Quote:

Hannah here are the registration of company and tax clarance certificates
i have given the investor your billing address and he will be
sending the money oder to you
upon receving the money order you will logde it in your bank and
await my instructions you

Classy, no?

Then, another empty email with more mimeographtastic certificate fun, kids!

I don't know what "in tourch" is, and I'm afraid to ask...

Quote:

Hannah
The investor just got in tourch with me
I was told be him that for the Money order to be sent to you your Billing adress
will be required and not post office box
so i will like you to send me your full contact address

Herein lies the beginning of a comedy of errors. It annoys me to no end that the scamming bugger won't send my fake check to the PO Box so nicely supplied by a fellow baiter and boardmember. But I have a fallback plan. Getting him to send it to the area Secret Service Office. And frankly, in the long run, this works out for the best. For me, anyway. For Tunde, it just prolongs the torture.

I hedge my bets by giving them the PO Box alternative, but still take the opportunity to roundly abuse their idiocy.

Quote:

I'm going to be in *state removed* on a consulting job for at least three weeks, maybe
longer. I have personally opened the post office box so I can receive the
money order securely. It's private, it's secure, and I am the only person who
will be able to access it. It's located at the local post office near wehre
I'm doing the consulting job. If it goes to my "billing address" as you keep
calling it, I won't even be able to cash it for about a month and other people
could see it and open it. I prefer you send it to the PO Box, Tunde.

But if you and your big nelly of an investor can't stand to send it to a P.O.
Box, I have a friend who works in an office building nearby. You can send it
to me at *Secret Service Field Office Address Removed* and I can swing
by and pick it up while I'm in *state removed*. But that's a damned lot of extra
trouble, Tunde. You should send it to the post office box and be done with it.
If someone else gets hold of it at the office building, I would have no way of
knowing. They don't all know me there, so if you send it there and it doesn't
get to me, it's your fault, Tunde. If you send it to the P.O. Box, I'm the
only one that can collect it. I'm also going to be damned pissed if you let me
go to the extra expense of opening up a secure post office box for nothing.
Your call, Tunde. Tell me where you send it so I know where the hell to pick
it up.

Hannah

Tunde suddenly starts using the "vacation reply" for no good reason, and acts like he's just told someone on the phone he's dashing to the loo and will be right back. *snerk*

Quote:

Sorry, I will not be able to reply you just immediately, Plz hold on till i get
here.
Thank you,
T. Smith

Please hold until I get back to the web cafe... I mean, office...

Then Tunde is caught in the grips of a randomly bad attack of T3H 3BIL ALL-CAPS.

Quote:

I FULLY UNDERSTAND YOU
WHEN YOU ARE IN *STATE REMOVED* I WILL LIKE TO TO FURNIH ME WITH A PHONE NUMBER I CAN
REACH YOU AND DO NOTE WHEN YOU RE IN RECEOPT OF THE MONEY ORDER YOU WILL LODGE
THE MONEY INTO A BANK OK
THE DOCUMENT I SENT TOYOU VIE ATTACTED EMAIL ARE THE ONE I HAVE COLLECTED UPON
SETTLEING OF THE OTHER DOCUMENTS WITH THE MONEY ORDER YOU WILL BE SENT THE
DOREIGN CONTRACTORS REMITTANCE FORM TO FILL BE THE CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA AND
UPON WHICH AN THE CONREACT SUM WILL BE PAID INTO YOUR ACCOUNT YOU WILL PROVIDE

TUNDE

Gah! My eyes! And the spelling... ow.

Right. Well. I recover and reply, still trying to force the check to go to the PO box. Not because I don't trust the SS office to take care of it for me, but just because I would like to know when it arrives, mostly, and I know the field office probably doesn't have time to be notifying me. Or my fellow baiter.

Anywho...

Quote:

> I FULLY UNDERSTAND YOU
> WHEN YOU ARE IN *STATE REMOVED* I WILL LIKE TO TO FURNIH ME WITH A PHONE NUMBER I
CAN REACH YOU

The number I gave you is my mobile.

>AND DO NOTE WHEN YOU RE IN RECEOPT OF THE MONEY ORDER YOU WILL LODGE THE
MONEY INTO A BANK OK
> THE DOCUMENT I SENT TOYOU VIE ATTACTED EMAIL ARE THE ONE I HAVE COLLECTED
UPON SETTLEING OF THE OTHER DOCUMENTS WITH THE MONEY ORDER YOU WILL BE SENT
THE DOREIGN CONTRACTORS REMITTANCE FORM TO FILL BE THE CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA
AND UPON WHICH AN THE CONREACT SUM WILL BE PAID INTO YOUR ACCOUNT YOU WILL
PROVIDE
>
> TUNDE
> --

I'll let you know when I receive it. But Tunde, before I do, you have to tell
me WHERE YOU SENT IT. Did you use the P.O. Box or the office building, damn
it. If you used the office building, I'd like to try to close the P.O. Box and
get part of my freaking money back.

I told you last email that you needed to tell me which address you used. Did
you? No. Not one word in this email about which address you ended up choosing.
Tunde, can you follow even the simplest instructions? Give. Me. The. Address.
You. Sent. The. Money. Order. To. So. I. Know. Where. To. Pick. It. Up.

Worry about the documents AFTER you manage to get the money order to me. Then
we'll talk documents. Which, by the way, if the documents are supposed to be
attached to this email, you didn't get them attached properly.

Hannah

Ah, Tunde-abuse. What a way to perk up the day.

Insert goofball auto-reply here.

Quote:

Sorry, I will not be able to reply you just immediately, Plz hold on till i get
here.
Thank you,
T. Smith

Posted: Mon Aug 08, 2005 2:36 pm

All the browbeating must have worked.

Quote:

Hannah this is the address I gave the investor to send the money order to

Hannah Leeds
*safe PO Box Address removed*

If he has sent it i will let you know and also on how you will send the money
down to me

wish you a wonderful trip to *state removed*

Tunde

Almost immediately, the hounding reverses course. Check frauds are one scam where haste makes the scammer richer.

Quote:

Hello Hannah
Have You received the Money order
The investor said he posted it to the post office in *state removed* as you requested

Hows your Job in *state removed* going hope splendid
Do send me a mail
Tunde

I let him dangle a few days without comment. They love that.

Quote:

Hello Hannah
Please do confirm if you have received the money order and have subsequently
lodged it in to your account for futher instruction on how the money will be
paid.
Tunde

Hannah is not pleased at being hounded.

Quote:

Stop wetting your damned panties, Tunde. I told you I would let you know when
I received it. I mean, damn, it takes a minimum of two or three days for mail
to go through, the mail doesn't run on Sundays, and I have to go check after I
get done working for the day. Keep your fucking shirt on and I'll let you know
when I get it.

Hannah

Seriously, do they think postal mail is quick as email?

Autoreply, third verse!

Quote:

Sorry, I will not be able to reply you just immediately, Plz hold on till i get
here.
Thank you,
T. Smith

In the meantime, my kindly fellow baiter has received the fake goods and asked me where to send the altered-so-as-not-to-be-illegal scans. The check I've been expecting turns out to be fake postal money orders.

I decide to give Tunde a bit of false hope (all the better to dash them, my dear) while I'm waiting.

Quote:

Yo, Tunde! Your money orders from the financier came through. They arrived
today and I picked them up after work. Now what the hell am I supposed to do
with them?

Hannah

Okay, this is getting ridiculous.

Quote:

Sorry, I will not be able to reply you just immediately, Plz hold on till i get
here.
Thank you,
T. Smith

Tunde is probably wetting himself with glee as he writes this.

Quote:

Hannah
How are you
I want you to lodge the money order with your bank and wait for my futher
instructions
at this point i believe that you must have gotten the account for the contract
sum ready.

Hannah sounds very eager to make him some money. I bet he's hopping up and down.

Quote:

What "further instructions"? Damn it, Tunde, why can't you just be plain and
tell me what I'm supposed to do next, instead of all this drawn out cloak and
dagger shit. Just tell me what I'm supposed to do with the money from the
money orders already.

Hannah

Wow, I really should have had my character tear him a new one for this...

Quote:

Sorry, I will not be able to reply you just immediately, Plz hold on till i get
here.
Thank you,
T. Smith

The scans of my trophies arrive, and they are startlingly non-amateurish. After the crap documents you usually get from lads, these things are totally impressive. It's easy to see how real victims don't think twice about cashing them.

There are several more for the same amount, and none look appreciably different, save the serial number, so no point in posting them all, methinks. I am rather giddy at having gotten fake MOs out of a lad, finally, though.

Posted: Tue Aug 09, 2005 2:27 pm

So the handwritten envelope without a return address was mailed from Canada. A nice reminder that you should never be too complacent when baiting.

Tunde is just all atwitter, I imagine.

Quote:

Dear Hannah,

How are you and how are you doing today? Please send the funds in 3 batches of $2,000 to my accounts clerk via western union so that i can collect same immediately the funds are made available to him.

ROLAND DIKE.
22 LEKE STREET,
LAGOS ISLAND.
LAGOS
NIGERIA.

Please do this today and send scanned copy of western union receipt to me me via email attachment.

Please have a good day.

Smith.

But, as always, there is about to be a spanner in the works...

He's very impatient.

Quote:

Dear Hannah,

This is my second email to you, Please let me know if you have received my email and respond back via this email account as I have problems accessing my other email account.

I await your update.

Your Friend And Partner,
Smith.

My, my but he's antsy. I fear he may wet himself at this point.

Quote:

Hello hannah,

How is your day going? Please I wait your response via this email account.

Take care,

Smith.

I break the news to Tunde in as kind and gentle a way as possible...

Quote:

No can do, Tunde. That financier of yours tried to screw you and me both over.
An uncle of mine got sent upriver for faking postal orders, so I had the good
sense to take them by the post office for verification before trying to cash
them. They're fakes, Tunde. Not even worth the paper they're printed on. The
PO passed them on to the police. You need to find yourself a different, more
trustworthy financier, Tunde, boy.

Or did you know they were fake all along? If you did, I'm going to be tempted
to send someone along to make your fucking knees bend in the OTHER direction.
With a lead pipe. Or a ball peen hammer.

I think you had better find yourself another financier if you want to do
business, Tunde. That one is going to get you in trouble if you aren't
careful.

Hannah

Tunde plays along with my "You want to pretend you're surprised by this and really an innocent victim?" offer admirably.

Quote:

Hannah,

I have been very upset and I have been feeling that my family and my world has turned dry>Infact I have not been able to take food since reading your email. Thank god that you had to verify things yourself instead of landing me imto trouble.

Things have changed here because of the waste of time on our part to pay for the charges.I got news from the international remitance department today notifying me that the beneficiary of the funds will have to pay for the drug and terrorrist clearance certificate. This certificate actually clears the funds from being drug related or being lundered.

I have been finding a way to this and soimeone in government here who is highly connected has promised to introduce me to a financier that will help us at this stage. because as it is now, we will be needing about $30,000. I shall let you know as soon as possible if the investor agrees to help us.

Please accept my deepest apology as regards the son of a bitch that wanted to land me into trouble.

I shall keep you updated.

Please have a good day.
Your friend and partner,
Smith.

He should be up for an Emmy, people. An Oscar, even.

I graciously allow him to attempt to scam me again with a new financier.

Quote:

> Hannah,
>
> I have been very upset and I have been feeling that my family and my >world
has turned dry>Infact I have not been able to take food since >reading your
email. Thank god that you had to verify things yourself >instead of landing me
imto trouble.

Don't blame yourself if you weren't involved, Tunde, but I can see you're
going to need to get yourself a new financier and fast.

>
> Things have changed here because of the waste of time on our part to pay for
the charges.I got news from the international remitance department today
notifying me that the beneficiary of the funds will have to pay for the drug
and terrorrist clearance certificate. This certificate actually clears the
funds from being drug related or being lundered.
>
> I have been finding a way to this and soimeone in government here who is
>highly connected has promised to introduce me to a financier that will >help
us at this stage. because as it is now, we will be needing about >$30,000. I
shall let you know as soon as possible if the investor agrees >to help us.

You let me know if you can get him on the line, and if you need me to receive
more mail. I'll be back and forth between *state removed* and *state removed* quite a bit
in the coming months, working on my consulting project, so I'll keep the P.O.
Box in *state removed*, just in case. Be sure to let me know when you need to mail me
anything, because I'll need to let you know which address to send it to.

>
> Please accept my deepest apology as regards the son of a bitch that wanted
to land me into trouble.
>
> I shall keep you updated.
>
> Please have a good day.
> Your friend and partner,
> Smith.

I'm just glad neither of us is getting our fucking asses hauled to jail.
I guess that idiot uncle of mine was good for something, at least.

Let me know what you find out.

Hannah

Tunde sends me another grammatically challenged query.

Quote:

Dear Hannah,

I am in communication with the financier and with the look of things, he might want to contact you on phone before sending the required assistance. This is Ok with me as he has promised to help us.

Does your telephone works when you are outside *state removed*? Please let me know as soon as possible.

Take care.
Smith.

I love giving Tunde the business when he tries to prove his trustworthiness.

Quote:

> Dear Hannah,
>
> I am in communication with the financier and with the look of things, he
might want to contact you on phone before sending the required assistance.
This is Ok with me as he has promised to help us.
>
> Does your telephone works when you are outside *state removed*? Please let me know
as soon as possible.
>

It should, but what the fucking good does talking to me on the phone, do,
Tunde? The guy either is genuine and has the money or he doesn't. He can
either send it or he can't. And if he can't, I'm not wasting my precious time
talking to him. I mean, if they're money orders, you can sure as hell bet I am
going to take them to the Post Office and have them looked at.

And if they are fake, he better hope he doesn't call me, because I will come
through the damned phone on him. Tell this financier he had better send
something more secure this time. Like a cashier's check. Because if this one
sends me fake money orders, Tunde, I have no choice but to think you're in on
it, and I WILL be one fucking ANGRY lady, Tunde. And you don't want that.

Hannah

Posted: Thu Aug 11, 2005 8:40 pm

Tunde keeps his cool fairly admirably. His spelling on the other hand, has gone to pot.

Quote:

Hannah,

I am still in communication withe financieer and I beleive that it will be by certified cheque. Remember we have a deal at hand and the financees and soucing for is being borrowed by me to make sure things go well for the payments that we need to make down here for the funds to be transfered to your account.

Things will go well, I promise and please make sure things go well at your end.

you shall be contacted in a while.

Take care.

Tunde.

I graciously reply.

Quote:

Just let me know when he'll need to send it. I'm scheduling another stint in
*state removed*, pretty soon, depending on the weather up here.

Hannah

Tunde starts in with the favorite delay tactic of the lads (second being the "out of town on business" shtick), the "I've been sick" whinge.

Quote:

Dear hannah,

Please forgive my inability to contact you all this while. i have been ill and i am just recovering.

I will get across to the investor and get back to you.

let me know if you received this email.

I am pithy and to the point. And unsympathetic.

Quote:

I received it.

Hannah

Tunde hounds away.

Quote:

Dear Hannah,

how is your weekend going? Hope fine.

The financier will contact6 you by the coming week fpr him to give us the financial assistance to complete aour transaction as that is important to us.

please let me know when you have been contacted.

your friend,
smith.

I complain that I haven't been contacted yet. And that he's very vague about the financier name.

Quote:

Who or what exactly is supposed to be contacting me and how? I haven't heard
from anyone calling themselves a financier, or claiming to be contacting me on
your advice.

Hannah

I hound Tunde for a change.

Quote:

Hello? I've waited and waited and waited, and no one has contacted me about
this. Is someone still supposed to be getting in touch with me? I'm getting
very worried.

Hannah

Boo hoo, I've been ill, I've had a heart attack... same old same old.

Quote:

Dear Hannah,

I have been ill and only saw your email now. Thank God well and better now. I developed a heart attack when you told me that the Money order was fake and I have been keeping it to myself all this while. just thank god for me.

I am so sorry that things are this way. it is not my intention. I will reach the investor this evening and I will get back to you tommorow.

Sincerely,

Smith.

Funny how they always get ill when something goes wrong. Nervous nellies, aren't they?

Tunde even told me about his heart attack twice, in case I missed it the first time.

I let Tunde dangle a while, then poke him again. I sound almost friendly in this one.

Quote:

Hello, you've not been ill again, have you? I haven't heard anything from you
or your associate for quite a while. I'm starting to get really worried, here.
Can't you find anyone trustworthy, or what?

Hannah

Posted: Fri Aug 12, 2005 2:23 pm

Tunde tells me a WHOPPER of a lie in this one.

Quote:

I want to be sure he is ready to contact you before I write or call, I do not know if you understand my situation. please bear with me as I do not intend to tell you what is not true.

Tunde.

Ha ha! Does not intend to tell me what is not true. Suuuure.

I just keep Tunde on the hook.

Quote:

Let me know when he's ready, then.

Hannah

My, isn't this touching.

Quote:

I certainly will, Please have a good weekend,
Tunde

Small talk and pleasantries over, my K7 number expires.

Quote:

Dear Hannah,

Please if your telephone numbers have changed, please update me with the new ones so that I can forward same the investor because he has complained that your numbers are not reachable. This is very urgent.

Tunde.

So urgent, Tunde sends me the same message three times.

More whining about my phone number being dead.

Quote:

Hello,

Please update me as I have tried to reach you on your telephone number and can not get through to you. the investor is ready.

I await.

Tunde.

I tell Tunde a whopper in return. To explain the change of phone number, should I deign to give him my new K7 number. For now, I claim I still have the number.

Quote:

I've moved to *state removed* permanently, now, but I took my phone numbers along with
me. We have number portability here, so you can keep your old number when you
move.

It's really not necessary to send me the same message THREE times in a row,
you know. It's a damned waste of my time.

You COULD give him my email address, you know.

Hannah

I also tell Tunde to keep his shirt on.

Quote:

Calm down already. I just sent you a message. It's not like YOU didn't keep ME
waiting for weeks with no word at all, even after you got over your hospital
stay. My ISP was down and I couldn't get on the internet for a while.

Hannah

Actually, I took a nap.

Tunde tries to scare me.

Quote:

If you are not willing to avail me your new contact info so that I can forward same to the investor, Then there certainly nothing I can do, That also means that the transaction is off.

Tunde.

I take the opportunity to smack Tunde's head sideways.

Quote:

WHAT new contact information? I already told you, none of my contact
information has changed. I still have the exact same phone numbers, thanks to
number portability, and I am receiving all my mail at the PO box in *state removed*.
You know, the box where YOUR shoddy investor send me FRAUDULENT payments? Does
that ring a bell?

I have been receiving phone calls just fine on my cell and my regular number.
You already have those. Look, you little shitface, get up off your sorry
behind and give my contact information to the investor. You already have every
phone number and address I have, you idiot. Or have you managed to lose them?

Hannah

I love laying blame back on a lad.

Here's what else I love. Lost lads.

Quote:

Hannah
how are you today
I was in contact with the investor and i found out
that the cheque has already been prepared in our name
but there is a serious problem reaching you through
the phone

I am at the Juncture more that confused
Tell me what to do

Tunde

Posted: Tue Aug 16, 2005 3:40 pm

Like usual, I am happy to guide and direct a lost lad.

Quote:

> Hannah
> how are you today
> I was in contact with the investor and i found out
> that the cheque has already been prepared in our name
> but there is a serious problem reaching you through
> the phone

I don't understand why the investor seems incapable of making a simple phone
call, but if he needs to contact me, is there some reason he can't do it
through email? Surely he IS capable of such a simple thing as sending an
email, isn't he?

>
> I am at the Juncture more that confused
> Tell me what to do
>
> Tunde

Why not send the check already? I've already said I would do what needs to be
done, and I don't see what discussing it is going to change, especially if the
check is already cut. Have him mail the thing, and if he really ahs to talk to
me, use email or learn how to use the damned phone properly. I can't help it
if he's too ignorant to place an international call. There is nothing wrong
with my phone.

But, hey, if the two of you want to delay even more over a stupid phone call,
be my guest. You're the one losing money and opportunity. And time.

Hannah

Cue the violins!

Quote:

Dear Hannah
You do know that we have been on this deal for some time now and you
know that i have already spen some substantial amount of funds in to
this deal
please i will like us to conclude it to gether and try as much as you
can not to be so thoug on me
Like i told you all legal modalities have already bee put in place
putting you as the benificisry of the said funds The in vestor has
been trying to reach you but to no avail
If you feel that we can make do without an investor and lets handle
the deal lets do it
I will on your request be sending you my internationasl passport
,Drivers lincence and any other form of idenity you might so desire
I know that a lot of people have said different things abouit my Country
But you see Thing here are not easy that is why most top government
funtionaries like myself take this kind of advantage to enrich our
selves as we are highly place but poorly paid
I with my word and experience for the past 31 years i have put in the
Civil service promise and Give you my word
Let go on
Tunde

Should we send him a gold watch for his years of service or something? Oddly, he quoted a message sent back in February. It was JUNE by then.

I kindly call his attention to it.

Quote:

Why, precisely, are you quoting a message at the bottom that you sent in
freaking February? It has nothing to do with the situation as it currently
stands, and there seems to be no good reason for you to include it, except to
waste space and my time.

> Dear Hannah
> You do know that we have been on this deal for some time now and you
> know that i have already spen some substantial amount of funds in to
> this deal

And it's not my damned fault that you didn't budget properly for it in the
first place. It is also not my fault that you picked a fraud to be the first
investor. Tough shit, Tunde. What do you want me to do about it?

> please i will like us to conclude it to gether and try as much as you
> can not to be so thoug on me
> Like i told you all legal modalities have already bee put in place
> putting you as the benificisry of the said funds

*snort* You have a lot of gall, talking about "legal" when you could have
gotten me arrested.

>The in vestor has
> been trying to reach you but to no avail

It's not my problem that your second investor isn't smart enough to use a
phone. Hire him a trained monkey and see if he has any better luck. Try email,
or whatever. Is the investor afraid of email or something? Why does he/she/it
have to talk to me anyway? JUST SEND THE FUCKING CHECK AND BE DONE WITH IT IF
YOU'RE SO ANXIOUS.

> If you feel that we can make do without an investor and lets handle
> the deal lets do it

No. No investor, no deal.

> I will on your request be sending you my internationasl passport
> ,Drivers lincence and any other form of idenity you might so desire

Send it, already. But if you were smart, you would be getting the investor to
send the fucking check, instead. Your passport and driver's license don't mean
squat. For all I know, they're forged or fake. Or downloaded off the internet.
If you really mean business about proving who you are, then offer to take a
picture holding a sign that says something. Something I specify. Licenses and
passports can be forged or bought. The kind of photo I'm talking about, that's
real proof. Especially if the person holding the sign matches the driver's
license and passport you send. But, whatever. Your damned bloody thumbprint
isn't going to make me do anything unless the investor gets off his fat
derriere and sends the fucking check.

> I know that a lot of people have said different things abouit my Country
> But you see Thing here are not easy that is why most top government
> funtionaries like myself take this kind of advantage to enrich our
> selves as we are highly place but poorly paid

Boo fucking hoo.

> I with my word and experience for the past 31 years i have put in the
> Civil service promise and Give you my word
> Let go on
> Tunde

Well, yay. You give me your word, Tunde. Your word is worth nothing. Show me
the check from the investor, and then we'll talk. All you've done is blow
smoke at me Tunde. Start proving yourself by actually doing something useful,
for a change.

Hannah

>
>
> On 2/21/05, Tunde Smith <[email protected]> wrote:
> > Dear Hannah
> > How are you
> > iwas expecting a positive response from you have you opened the
> > account and have you contacted the bank officer please i belive that
> > we have to move fast Since you did not get the faxes i will send you
> > the documents through attactment vie email
> >
> > thank you
> >
> > Tunde
> >
>

P.S. This months-old shit is confusing and pointless. Catch a clue, Tunde.

I figure at this point he'll either bail, or cuss me out and then bail.

Tunde goes quiet for some time. I delicately nudge him after a few weeks, making reference to his "Time is of the essence" subject line.

Quote:

Obviously time isn't of the essence, because you've completely wasted tons of
it. You and your idiot investor ever learn how to use a phone?

Hannah Leeds

To my very great surprise, he replies, with a subject of "My Health Was Not Too Good". These delicate little lads. Have high blood pressure and heart attacks and brain cancer at the least little sign of failure...

Quote:

My Dear Hannah
I was for some weeks indisposed
The reason Actually being that from what my doctor says i am having high blood preasure
My finiancer of the project has really failed me and i am now more sick
Please as my Business Partner i will like you to advise me on what to do i canot loose such some just like that
you do know how much i have already expended before

If you can please advise me on how we can raise the cost of transfer as required by the Banks i will be more than Greatful
Tunde Smith

Jeepers, he's pitiful. Luckily, my character has no pity.

Knowing lads are suckers for sappy e-cards, I do profess my concern for his health.

clicky

Warning! Extremely annoying music and cutesy graphics! Diabetics beware!

Posted: Wed Aug 17, 2005 6:03 pm

Hannah is so pitiless, I tell you.

This is not what Tunde was expecting, I'm sure.

Quote:

Do you own a car? You could always take out a loan against that.

Hope you're feeling better. Sent you a little card. You should get it soon.

Hannah

Here's something new. A lad claiming he has a crap car.

Quote:

Thank you for your Card after all i belief that you do have a nice heart
I do have a Car Hannah But the truth is ou yourself will not borrow me money with it it has no second hand value
I have mortgage my property for this deal
Do see how you can raise some thing from your end so we wrap up this deal I wait upon your advise
Tunde

Still, no budging.

Quote:

Sorry, Tunde, but that wasn't the deal. You said you were going to take care
of the costs. Sorry you got screwed over by the financier, but I almost got my
ass hauled to jail, too. If you can't find the money or a decent financier, I
guess it's too bad.

But if you're so well respected in your community that they gave you the title
"Chief", I'm sure someone will be willing to loan you the money.

Best of luck finding a lender.

Hannah

Don't know why he did this. Maybe he needed some time to think...

Quote:

Dear Friend Hannah
Got Your mail will get back to you in no soon time
Tunde

Luckily his wife has some personal effect she can use for collateral. He tries to bargain me down.

Quote:

Hannah
My wife has been able to see some where she will borrow more than 85%
of the funds needed for the full actualisation of this transfer
Please if you will in your good heart feel it wise to support with the
remaining 15% let me know so she goes aheah to collect the loan which
she has to use her personal effect and belonging as colleteral
If you fell we are in business i will like you to send me the
1:The Bank Name
2:Name of account Holder
3:AccountNumber that the funds will be transfer into

Tunde

I am still unyielding.

Quote:

That wasn't the deal, Tunde. You said in the your earlier message you would
bear the cost. As I said before, I didn't get to my current position by
bailing other people out of their bad planning. I won't pay 15%.

Hannah

Cue the whining! You're so tough on meeeeee!

Quote:

Hannah
Why are you being so tough on me we both are going to benifit from this deal so i see no reason why you should be this tough on you
Yes i know that was not the deal but you see at times mans proposes and God disposes i have faults on my who side of te devide all i want is for us to conclude this in no soon time as i strongly believe that when we get to meet each other at the end of this deal we will have a lot of things in common
I beg of you to Please honour my humble Request so that we conclude this business deal that will be benifiting to the both of us

Tunde

Posted: Fri Aug 26, 2005 6:24 pm

I'm not much easier on him in my reply.

Quote:

> Hannah
> Why are you being so tough on me we both are going to benifit from this
>deal
> so i see no reason why you should be this tough on you

Look, little man, you know how I got to where I am today? By not cutting my
business partners any breaks. I'm tough on them, and they know they had damned
well better perform up to expectations, or they get their balls handed to
them. I didn't become as successful as I am by cleaning up other people's
messes for them. And you got yourself into this mess, Tunde.

> Yes i know that was not the deal

If your word isn't any good, you aren't any good, Tunde. And if you don't keep
up your side of the deal, your word isn't any good.

>but you see at times mans proposes and God
> disposes

He sure does. So I guess God must have disposed of your deal.

>i have faults on my who side of te devide all i want is for us to
> conclude this in no soon time as i strongly believe that when we get to
>meet
> each other at the end of this deal we will have a lot of things in >common

If you manage to dig up the money on your own, Tunde, I can agree on both
points. We could meet, and you would definitely be ALMOST as resourceful and
tough as I am. But you don't seem to have it in you, Tunde.

> I beg of you to Please honour my humble Request so that we conclude this
> business deal that will be benifiting to the both of us
> Tunde
>

Read my emails. No. It's the deal you proposed, or no deal at all. I'm not
paying 15% to fix your mistake. Find a way out of it on your own.

Hannah

The financier is all hot to talk to me. Isn't everyone?

Quote:

Hannah

I got a finiacier who bargained for 35% of the deal he said he has been trying to reach you vie phone but to no avail
Can you Please furnish me with another Phone Number so he can reach you

Tunde

Oh, sorry, that's the finiacier, actually.

Quote:

Well, good on you for earning your share, Tunde. He can phone at
*K7 Number Removed*.

Hannah

Poor dear needed some encouragement, didn't he?

I'm whiched a happy weed end. Huh?

Quote:

How are you today
Have the finiacier contacted you yet?

Have you rounded up your project in *state removed* which you a happy weed end
Tunde

I can't resist.

Quote:

You obviously weren't paying attention when I told you I had MOVED to *state removed*
full time now. I hired on at the company where I was contracted.

Happy weed end to you, too.

Hannah

I've not heard from Tunde since. Perhaps his weed end did him in.