Marcel, Moreso

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Posted: Tue Apr 05, 2005 8:33 pm

One of my longer running (or at least more active) baits. I love this one, because the lads did lots of groveling for me. And got no quarter in return.

Anywho, it all started off with a letter from Marcel Bodgand.

Quote:

PLEASE REPLY TO MY PRIVATE E-MAIL ADDRESS.([email protected]) THANKS. FOR
YOUR UNDERSTANDING.
DEAR BELOVED,
I AM MARCEL BODGAND,I AM 56 YEARS OLD.I AM A CITIZEN OF ROMANIA, BUT I AM
RESIDENT IN SOUTH AFRICA. I WAS BORN AN ORPHAN AND GOD BLESSED ME ABUNDANTLY.
BUT I AM NOT A HAPPY MAN.I HAVE NO WIFE AND I HAVE NO CHILDREN. AS AT NOW I AM
SERIOUSLY SICK. I JUST CAME OUT OF THE HOSPITAL BACK TO MY HOME . I AM SUFFERING
FROM LUNG CANCER AND I HAD PATIAL STROKE WHICH HAS AFFECTED MY SPEACH. I CAN NO
LONGER TALK.AND HALF OF MY BODY IS PARALYSED. THE DOCTORS SAY I HAVE ABOUT 2
MOUNTHS TO LIVE. I SEND THIS EMAIL TO YOU WITH THE HELP OF MY PRIVATE MALE NURSE
WHO IS TYPING MY REQUEST.
I HAVE LITTLE TIME SO I HAVE COMMITTED IT TO SPREADING MY WEALTH TOWARDS BETTER
HEALTH CARE FOR MANKIND.IN THE HOSPITAL WHERE I AM ,I HAVE GIVEN THE MANAGEMENT
US$15 MILLION TO UPGRADE AND BUILD A NEW CANCER RESEACH FACILITY.I HAVE ALSO
MADE SOME CASH DONATIONS TO ORPHANAGE CHILDREN HOMES IN SOMALIA,
ETHIOPIA,SUDAN,AND SOME IN SOUTH AFRICA. I HAVE SUCCEDED IN SPREADING MY LIQUID
CASH TOWARDS WELL DESERVED MEANS. MY SOUL IS HAPPY. WHAT I AM DOING GIVES ME
JOY.I AM NOW SHARING MY PROPERTIES AND VALUABLES.I DONT KNOW YOU, BUT I AM
CONTACTING YOU WITH THE HOPE THAT YOU WILL CARRY OUT MY WISH FOR THE SAKE OF
HUMANITY. I HAVE 8 MILLION DOLLARS (USD ) DEPOSITED WITH A SECURITY DEPOSIT
COMPANY IN EUROPE. I WANT YOU TO TAKE CUSTODY OF SOME
AMOUNT OF MONEY IN DOLLARS (USD ) AND USE IT TO BUILD AND OPERATE(YOU COULD LOOK
FOR SOMEONE TO OPERATE IT IF YOU ARE UNABLE TO) AN ORPHANAGE IN YOUR COUNTRY.YOU
WILL NAME THE ORPHANAGE MARCEL BOGDAN ORPHANAGE HOME. YOU MUST FOLLOW MY WISH
FOR IT WILL GLADEN MY HEART.PLEASE IF YOU ARE READY TO CARRYOUT MY WISH, THEN
SEND ME THIS INFORMATIONS.
[1]YOUR NAMES,
[2]YOUR PHONE AND FAX NUMBER,
[3]YOUR RESIDENTIAL ADDRESS,
MAY GOD GUIDE US. SEND YOUR REPLY ALONG WITH YOUR PERSONAL DETAILS ONLY TO THIS
EMAIL ADDRESS.([email protected]) THANKS, I AWAIT YOUR QUICK RESPONSE TO
THIS MAIL.
MY WARM GREETINGS,
MARCEL BODGAND.

Wow, he is seriously sick. Fortunately, so am I!

Quote:

PLEASE REPLY TO MY PRIVATE E-MAIL ADDRESS.([email protected]) THANKS.
FOR YOUR UNDERSTANDING.
DEAR BELOVED,
I AM MARCEL BODGAND,I AM 56 YEARS OLD.I AM A CITIZEN OF ROMANIA, BUT I AM
RESIDENT IN SOUTH AFRICA. I WAS BORN AN ORPHAN AND GOD BLESSED ME ABUNDANTLY.

That's truly incredible. What a rough start to life, being born with dead
parents!

BUT I AM NOT A HAPPY MAN.I HAVE NO WIFE AND I HAVE NO CHILDREN. AS AT NOW I AM
SERIOUSLY SICK. I JUST CAME OUT OF THE HOSPITAL BACK TO MY HOME . I AM
SUFFERING FROM LUNG CANCER AND I HAD PATIAL STROKE WHICH HAS AFFECTED MY
SPEACH. I CAN NO LONGER TALK.AND HALF OF MY BODY IS PARALYSED. THE DOCTORS SAY
I HAVE ABOUT 2 MOUNTHS TO LIVE. I SEND THIS EMAIL TO YOU WITH THE HELP OF MY
PRIVATE MALE NURSE WHO IS TYPING MY REQUEST.

How on earth do you manage, if half your body is paralyzed and you can't talk?
Truly amazing grit you have, sir.

I HAVE LITTLE TIME SO I HAVE COMMITTED IT TO SPREADING MY WEALTH TOWARDS
BETTER HEALTH CARE FOR MANKIND.IN THE HOSPITAL WHERE I AM ,I HAVE GIVEN THE
MANAGEMENT US$15 MILLION TO UPGRADE AND BUILD A NEW CANCER RESEACH FACILITY.I
HAVE ALSO MADE SOME CASH DONATIONS TO ORPHANAGE CHILDREN HOMES IN SOMALIA,
ETHIOPIA,SUDAN,AND SOME IN SOUTH AFRICA. I HAVE SUCCEDED IN SPREADING MY
LIQUID CASH TOWARDS WELL DESERVED MEANS. MY SOUL IS HAPPY. WHAT I AM DOING
GIVES ME JOY.I AM NOW SHARING MY PROPERTIES AND VALUABLES.I DONT KNOW YOU, BUT
I AM CONTACTING YOU WITH THE HOPE THAT YOU WILL CARRY OUT MY WISH FOR THE SAKE
OF HUMANITY. I HAVE 8 MILLION DOLLARS (USD ) DEPOSITED WITH A SECURITY DEPOSIT
COMPANY IN EUROPE. I WANT YOU TO TAKE CUSTODY OF SOME
AMOUNT OF MONEY IN DOLLARS (USD ) AND USE IT TO BUILD AND OPERATE(YOU COULD
LOOK FOR SOMEONE TO OPERATE IT IF YOU ARE UNABLE TO) AN ORPHANAGE IN YOUR
COUNTRY.YOU WILL NAME THE ORPHANAGE MARCEL BOGDAN ORPHANAGE HOME.

I'd be glad to do that. I could operate an orphanage for children born
orphans. You actually lucked out, there. I'm a licensed social worker.

YOU MUST FOLLOW MY WISH FOR IT WILL GLADEN MY HEART.PLEASE IF YOU ARE READY TO
CARRYOUT MY WISH, THEN SEND ME THIS INFORMATIONS.
[1]YOUR NAMES,

My name is Hannah Graham Lanham

[2]YOUR PHONE AND FAX NUMBER,

You can fax at 206-666-3170. You can reach me by phone at
206-343-0011.

[3]YOUR RESIDENTIAL ADDRESS,

9012 Scorvian Place Compton, Washington

MAY GOD GUIDE US. SEND YOUR REPLY ALONG WITH YOUR PERSONAL DETAILS ONLY TO
THIS EMAIL ADDRESS.([email protected]) THANKS, I AWAIT YOUR QUICK
RESPONSE TO THIS MAIL.
MY WARM GREETINGS,
MARCEL BODGAND.

Here you go Marcel. Do hope this finds you well.

Hannah Lanham

Ah, they never read the first one, anyway.

More all-cappage.

Quote:

DEAR HANNAH,

THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR THE MAIL YOU SENT TO ME.I'M VERY GREATFUL,GOD WILL SURELY BLESS YOU AS YOU ARE WILLING TO HELP ME OUT.PLEASE I'LL LOVE A SITUATION WERE YOU SEND THE FOLLOWING ITEMS PROPERLY TO ME:

(1) YOUR FULL NAMES,

(2)YOUR HOUSE ADDRESS,AND

(3) YOUR PHONE NUMBER/FAX NUMBER.

SO THAT IT WILL ENABLE ME TO PREPARE THE CHANGE OF OWNERSHIP AND THAT OF CERTIFICATE DEPOSITE IN WHICH I USED IN DEPOSITING THE CONSIGNMENT WITH A SECURITY COMPANY IN EUROPE.I BELIEVE THAT WITH GOD ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE.I AWAIT YOUR QUICK RESPONSE TO THIS MAIL,SO THAT WE CAN MOVE FORWARD ON THIS.PLEASE IT'S CONFIDENTAIL AND AS SOON AS GOT ALL I NEED FROM YOU MY LAWYER WILL SEND ALL THE RELEVANT DOCUMENTS TO YOU.PLEASE TRY AS POSSIBLE TO GET BACK TO ME ON TIME.

YOURS SINCERELY,

MARCEL BODGAND.

Reading skills are very important, lads and ladettes.

Quote:

Reread my last message. I sent you all that in the last email.

Hannah

Marcel breaks out of all caps mode, and sends me to his lawyer, Ed Harris.

Quote:

Dear Hannah,

Thank you very much for your mail and your informations.Well I'll love you to contact my legal advicer and my lawyer too.He will provide you all you need to contact the security company in europe and he will give you all necessary document for the consignment.Which is the change of ownership and certificate of deposite.He will sign it and send to you as soon as you contact him.His name is barrister Ed Harris and His Email is [email protected].

Please after you have contact him,get back to me so that I'll know afar you have gone.

God bless and I await your quick response to this mail.

Yours Sincerely,

Mr.Marcel Bodgand.

So I forward Marcel's recommendation to contact the lawyer to, who else? The lawyer.

Quote:

Marcel suggested I contact you. See below. Bet you get a lot of ribbing about
the name, huh, Ed?

Hannah

I get the usual blargle from the lawyer. You know the routine. You must travel, blah, blah, blah.

Quote:

Dear Hannah,

Thank you for your mail.I am very pleased with the seriousness on your
part.I will talk to the security company to officially apply for the
release of the funds to your credit.Once I have done that,I will either
give you a call or e-mail you. As of processing fee and charges is what I
don't know we are not going to pay taxes, I know what to tell them. But we
are to pay for dumorage, I know that it will not cost us much, again you
will have to travel to Netherland to see for your self but before you go,
I will send to you the certificate of Deposit and change on ownership that
you will use when you get to Netherland, before they can tranfer the funds
to your account.you can confirm from them the cost of the charges. Below
is the contact of the security company.

Contact Person:General Director of Operations
Mr. Michael Anderson
Tel:0031619024273.
Fax:0031645858992.
Please as soon as you speak to them Please try and mail me.I must once
again thank you for your willingness to assist.While looking forward to
speak with you.
Best Regards,
Barrister Ed Harris.

Since I copied Marcel on the earlier post to the lawyer, he lets me know how pleased he is.

Quote:

Dear hannah,

thank you for contacting him.Please as thing progresses you have to contact me.so that I'll know position of things.

Yours Sincerely,

Marcel bodgand

So I update him to death.

Quote:

Ed's contacted me. That's as far as it's gotten.

Hannah

I reply to Ed. I find that Ed is such a dumbass, he's made his "From" name "E\d\ \h\a\r\r\i\s" for some unaccountable reason, and this also causes my email to drop most of his address when I hit reply. As it's a slapping opportunity, and I really do find it annoying, I'm on it like an ant on cookie.

Quote:

> Dear Hannah,
>
> Thank you for your mail.I am very pleased with the seriousness on your
> part.I will talk to the security company to officially apply for the
> release of the funds to your credit.Once I have done that,I will either
> give you a call or e-mail you. As of processing fee and charges is what I
> don't know we are not going to pay taxes, I know what to tell them. But we
> are to pay for dumorage,

What is "dumorage"? That word doesn't appear in any dictionary I've
consulted.

>I know that it will not cost us much, again you
> will have to travel to Netherland to see for your self but before you go,
> I will send to you the certificate of Deposit and change on ownership that
> you will use when you get to Netherland, before they can tranfer the funds
> to your account.

Netherland? Do you mean the Netherlands instead?

>>you can confirm from them the cost of the charges. Below
> is the contact of the security company.
>
> Contact Person:General Director of Operations
> Mr. Michael Anderson
> Tel:0031619024273.
> Fax:0031645858992.
> Please as soon as you speak to them Please try and mail me.I must once
> again thank you for your willingness to assist.While looking forward to
> speak with you.
> Best Regards,
> Barrister Ed Harris.
>
>
>
> Visit New York City online. Special offers on hotels, shops, attractions,
and more.
> Plus FREE @nyc.com or @newyorkcity.com E-Mail!
> http://www.NewYorkCity.com http://www.NYC.com
>

I tried speaking to Mr. Anderson, but the line didn't seem to want to connect.
I kept getting a recording about not being able to connect, or the number
being unavailable. Then something in Dutch. I'll try again later.

Also, Ed, could you please fix your "From" name? Putting those slashes in your
name is distracting, hard to read, and to boot, when I try to reply to your
email, it causes the email program to strip off your address. I have to copy
and paste it in manually.

Hannah

And now... creative lad etymology.

Quote:

Dear Hannah,

Thank you for the mail you sent.The word dumorage make some time not be in the dictionary but maens duty charges by the security company.I'll that charges are charges in which the security company used in keeping the consignment for a while in holland.Netherlands is were the security company is located and the place in which my client deposited the consignment(funds),that is while I said you should contact them so that we can proceed in claiming the consignment and used it for what my client required it for.You can confirm from them the cost of the charges. Below
is the contact of the security company and please try again nay be there is network problem or send him fax give him details that will ask you to contact him.

Contact Person:General Director of Operations
Mr. Michael Anderson
Tel:0031619024273.
Fax:0031645858992.
Please as soon as you speak to them please try and mail me.I must once
again thank you for your willingness to assist.While looking forward to
speak with you or email you.
Best Regards,
Barrister Ed Harris.

Dear me, my imaginary phone just sucks at overseas calls...

Quote:

I keep calling, but no one is answering. What do I do? Hannah

Ed tries again.

Quote:

Dear Hannah,
Sorry for the wrong directories that I sent to you,The security company has change their directories based on the fact the officer was transfer so they have to change their directories.So the new officer in charge is now Mr.william Morgan and details is as follows:

MAJESTIC TRUST HOUSE.
Email:[email protected]
Tel:0031619024273.
Fax:0031645858992.
Contact Person:General Director of Operations , Mr.William Morgan.

Please you are advice to contact him immediately so the details will giving to you on how you claim the consignment which was deposited as family valuables.I await your mail.

Yours legal Officer,

Barrister Ed Harris.

I email this address with higher hopes.

Quote:

Hi, Ed Harris wanted me to get in touch with you about claiming a consignment under the name "Bodgand".

Thanks, Hannah

I copied Ed. Seems Ed would love it if I called instead. That's a sure sign I'm going nowhere near a phone.

Quote:

Dear Hannah,

Thank you for the mail you sent.Please I'll love if you call the security company.Sending mails is okay but for urgent purpose okay.please get back to me and let me know what is involve with you and the firm.My client is curious about getting the consignment out from the security company so that he can build the ophanage home with his name.Please Iawait your response to this mail okay.,

Yours Legal Officer,

Barrister Ed Harris.

Mrs. .... get this.... Joyce Destiny replies!

Quote:

Attn: Hannah

Dear Sir,

This is to acknowledged the receipt of your mail dated 14/02/2005.You are advised to send to this office your complete information e.g full names,telephone and fax numbers for easy communication,so that the needful can be put in place in your favour.

Welcome to our family of customers.

Yours in service
Joyce Destiny(Head of Forex Dept)
CC: Majestic Trust House

I also, for good measure, feed Ed a line as to why I won't be calling.

Quote:

I'm sorry, but I just had a nodule removed from my vocal cord. It was relatively minor outpatient surgery, and the nodule was almost certainly non-cancerous, but I'm not going to have a voice for a while. I was ordered to rest my voice totally for the time being. I can't really speak at the moment. Is the security firm incapable of sending me written directions? Also, is the security firm's website down? I get nothing when I try to visit www.financier.com.

Hannah

And to Joyce Destiny, as well.

Quote:

I'm not a Sir. I'm a Madam.

My name is Hannah Graham Lanham, and you can fax at 206-666-3170. You can reach me by phone at 206-343-0011. But I can't really talk on the phone right now. My voice is gone, since I just had surgery to remove a nodule from my vocal cord. It may be a while before my voice recovers.

Thank you, but I thought I was supposed to be dealing with Mr. William Morgan?
Hannah

More as I have time to get it together.

Posted: Wed Apr 06, 2005 11:24 am

Is it this Ed Harris, acting as a lawyer?! Shocked

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000438/

Posted: Wed Apr 06, 2005 6:45 pm

That's why I asked him if he took a lot of ribbing about the name. Wonder if he knows he's a fairly well-known actor...

Well, anyway, Ed is just a darling. He's so worried about me. With the subject "sorry for your voice okay!!!!" he inquires about my health.

Quote:

Dear Hannah,

Sorry for that,I pray that God will take total control of that.Amen.Please there is one way out of this now,since your voice as a little stress,you can send fax to the security company via their fax number that i gave to you the other time,okay.or send email to them.They are really willing to contact you as soon as possible because i told them that you will contact them soon.

Yours sincerely,

Ed Harris

I feel kind of nasty after being "prayed" for by a lad.

Marcel, too, inquires about me, with the slightly less touching, but still exclamation point-ridden, subject "Please try to contact my lawyer!!!"

Quote:

Dear Hannah,

Thank you for your help so far.I pray that God will guide you as you work towards His holy name.Amen .Well my lawyer told me you are not that okay,sorry for that may God grant you quick recovery.Amen.Please I'll that my lawyer just confirm something from the security company that we are going to pay little money before we can collect the consignment,so i don't know the positions of things,that is why i said you should contact my lawyer.Please get back to me as soon as you confirm anything from the security company and from my lawyer.

Yours in Christ,

Marcel Bodgand.

Brings a tear to your eye, don't it? *sniff* This poor, sick, dying, half gone man, asking about my little vocal cord.

Ed writes again, and I get documents, lovely documents.

Quote:

Dear Hannah,

Thank you for your effort,please I'll say that I have let my client know that I'm sending you the change of ownership and certificate of deposit.Please as for the dumorage or duty charges that I told you of,I'll want you to ask the security company how much is going to cost us in claiming the consignment.Get back to me as soon as you got this mail and that of the security company.We have prepare anything in our hands before any thing can take place.I await your mail,please don't forget to ask them how much it will cost.

Yours Legal Officer,

Ed Harris.

They are, by the way, in Word documents, and insanely large. Don't know why he pasted a graphic into a Word file...

And the second.

I like how he jazzed up the colors for each border...

I refresh Ed's memory slightly.

Quote:

Well, I already did email the security company. I copied you on it, remember? Do I need to email them again?

Hannah

The doinks at the security company get back to me.

Quote:

Attn: Hannah Graham Lanham

Dear Sir,

Please find below the attachment of a letter,which you are required to read carefully and get back to this office immediately.

Be guided accordingly.

Best regards,

Joyce Destiny(Mrs).

Cc:Majestic Trust House

I especially like how they do "Cc" at the bottom, like secretaries used to do, in the typewriter. Especially as there IS no CC on the email...

And again with the putting the graphic in a Word doc.

And the second...

I'm rather insulted Mrs. Joyce can't recognize a fellow woman!

Posted: Thu Apr 07, 2005 6:59 pm

Ed wants details, details, details.

Quote:

Dear Hannah,
Thank you for contacting them.Well hope all is well with you right now?I just want to know the position of things with you and the security company,hope you have send the change of ownership and certificate of deposit to them after signing it?please give me details about when this consignment will be leaving the security company and how much did Mr.williams Morgan say you pay for it?Please my client is asking when so that he will know what to give to you as percentage at the end of the transfer of the consignment,get in touch with me so that I know what to say to my client okay.I await your mail,God bless and a speedy recovery.Amen.
Yours Legal Officer,
Barrister Ed Harris.

He needs some details about where his space bar is and how to use it, too.

I whip out a question on Ed. Seems one of his emails involved the name Ray Power... Or at least Ray's email, which he forwarded to me...

Quote:

Sorry to be a bother, but could you tell me who this Ray Power is who sent you the documents? I'll contact the security company as soon as possible.

Hannah

I also update Marcel.

Quote:

I'm in contact with Mr. Harris and he's guiding me through contacting the
Security Company. He's also sent me some documents.

Hannah

I also keep Mrs. Destiny in the loop.

Quote:

First, please be advised that I'm female, not male, and I would appreciate it if you would quit calling me "Sir". Second, you have given me very little notice of this deadline.

15,500 Euros is a lot of money, and my passport needs to be renewed before I can travel, as it's about to expire. It will likely take me more than a week to come up with that kind of cash, and it will take some time before I can make the travel arrangements.

You don't have daily flights to Amsterdam from my local airport. Is there any way you can extend that deadline, please? I would be very hard pressed to get there on or before February 24. I have a lot of arrangements, business and personal, that I would need to take care of before going.

Less than a week's notice is scarcely sufficient time to procure that amount and make travel arrangements of that nature. I am copying this email to my attorney as well, to keep him informed.

Hannah

She replies.

Quote:

Attn: Hannah Graham Lanham

Dear Madam,

This is to acknowledged the receipt of your mail dated 18/02/2005 and the content quite understood.You are advised to inform this office on when you will be able to proceed to Amsterdam,for the claim of your consignment .

Welcome to our family of coustomers.

Yours in service.

Joyce Destiny(Mrs).

Head of Forex Dept.

Cc:Majestic Trust House.

Ed's still very concerned about my health.

Quote:

Hello Hannah,

How is your health today hope cool?Well pertaining your travelling,I'll talk to the security company about it. that it's going to take you one week.I hope by them,you could be able to raised the amount and I'll talk to my client and let him know that I've send the power of attorney to you so that you can claim the consignment by next week as soon as you get the cash for it.I'll remind him of your percentage in which he will give to you after claiming the consignment and build the ophanage home with his name.Please try as much as possible to get in touch with the security company and let them know when you are going to travel for the consignment.I await your mail.

Yours Legal Officer,

Barrister Ed Harris.

Ed also sends me... more documents! Whoo! A girl just can't have too many documents.

And this lawyer's got a wig? How can I not trust a lawyer from Hall & Overy with a wig?

Posted: Fri Apr 08, 2005 6:51 pm

I make a bid to get the lads to book me a hotel room. And also to freaking explain how long I'm supposed to be in Amsterdam. I email Joyce again.

Quote:

It's very difficult to make travel arrangements until you let me know how long it will be necessary for me to stay in Amsterdam. Should I plan on a couple of days? Four days? A week? Does it need to be on a weekday? Weekend? I need some specifics, please, so I can book flights. Would you be able to book a hotel nearby, or recommend a hotel?

Hannah

Meanwhile, Barrister Ed checks on my health again. He's starting to sound like a broken record.

Quote:

Hello Hannah,

how was your day today? Hope fine?Well thank God for everything and I hope you are in good condition today,Please get me update with all necessary informations and get back to me so that we can able to work further.I await your mail to this message.Please have you contacted the security company?If yes get me updated okay.

Yours Legal Officer,

Barrister Ed harris.

Joyce finally says how long I'm supposed to stay. Man, they're fast.

Quote:

Attn: Hannah Graham Lanham

Dear Madam,

This is to acknowledged the receipt of your mail dated 21/02/2005 and the content quite understood.Be informed that your appointment with this office is for one (1)day,you are advised to book your ticket for couple of days. You are required to inform this office as soon as you book your flight ticket and send your flight details to us,so that hotel reservation will be made for you and apointment in the office.

Welcome to our family of coustomers.

Yours in service.

Joyce Destiny(Mrs).

Head of Forex Dept.

Cc:Majestic Trust House.

Marcel tries to play the "holier than thou" card on me, and invokes the name of God a lot. Very unChristian of me, but I enjoy picturing him being stuck with a red hot poker every time he has the gall to do this.

Quote:

Dear Hannah,

Thank you for kindness and moral support.God will surely bless you as you work hard to serve him,May the lord guide you and protect you as you continue to work for his children.Please just keep me informed okay.God bless you and your family.Amen.

Marcel Bodgand.

I want to delay, and also, it's a crap document, so I send this to Ed.

Quote:

I can't sign that. For a start, it calls me a "he", and second, it's just a graphic copied and pasted into a Word document. You need to fax me a hard copy of the original document. My personal attorney can't even review that. You've got plenty of time. It's going to be the first of March probably before I can make it to Amsterdam.

Hannah

Oh, what a shame. Ed's lawyer.com email address bounces.

Meanwhile, I tell Joyce at Majestic Trust when to expect me.

Quote:

I'll take the following flight

Outbound Flight Mon, Feb 28 8:15am Depart - Seattle/Tacoma International Airport (SEA) 8:15am
Arrive - Amsterdam (AMS) Total travel time: 15hrs 0 mins Arrives Tue Airline Logo Continental Airlines 1580 * / 70 * *

1 Stop - Change Planes in Newark Liberty International Airport (EWR) Return Flight Wed, Mar 02 1:30pm Depart - Amsterdam (AMS) 8:24pm Arrive - Seattle/Tacoma International Airport (SEA) Total travel time: 15hrs 54 mins Airline Logo Continental Airlines 71 * * * / 1881 * * * * 1 Stop - Change Planes in Newark Liberty International Airport (EWR)

if you can send me a receipt or booking confirmation that shows there will be a hotel room available for me when I arrive on March 1. Otherwise, I'll need to know when I can have a hotel room before I can book the flight.

Thanks,
Hannah

Show me you went to the trouble to book a room, dear.

Why, Joyce seems so accommodating! She even offers a choice of three star or five star hotels.

Quote:

Attn: Hannah Graham Lanham

Dear Madam,

This is to acknowledged the receipt of your mail dated 22/02/2005 and the content is quite understood.You are required to state the kind of hotel you want either Three Star (3) or Five Star(5) hotel,please indicate by replying this mail immediately.Note that you are to send to this office your fax number,to unable us send you the hotel resevation slip.For further information/assistance contact the Director of Operations Mr.William Morgan on direct line 0031619024273.

Welcome to our family of coustomers.

Yours in service.

Joyce Destiny(Mrs).

Head of Forex Dept.

Cc:Majestic Trust House.

I let Marcel know that his lawyer has sort of gone *poof*.

Quote:

I regret to inform you that your lawyer just up and disappeared. My last email
to him bounced. His account doesn't seem to exist any more. I needed for him
to fax me a copy of the PA.

Hannah

I let Joyce know a five star would be simply fab.

Quote:

A five star would be just fantastic. You can fax me at 206-666-3170.

Thanks,

Hannah

Oh, my goodness, Ed comes back. And actually asks me if my day is "cool"?!

Quote:

Dear Hannah,

How is your day? Hope cool? Well just want to be updated by you,how far have you gone with the security company?please get me informed because my client want to be updated and know the position of things.please get in touch with security company and get back to me so that we know when the consignment is leaving the security company.Please take care of your health and have speedy recovery soonest.May God guide us as we work according to his words.Amen.

Yours Legal Officer,

Barrister Ed Harris.

Oh, my. I've got a hep, with-it lawyer. Hold me. I'm afraid.

The massive doink emails me again from his fugged up account, with the backslashes, for good measure. He also gives a rather charming tech talk.

Quote:

Dear Hannah,
How is your day?I'm very sorry that my server went down and I
have to put things in place and as you know please get in
touch with me so that I should know if you are going to travel
today or not ,so that I'll contact the security company as I
recieve your mail.Please don't be angry it's due to my isp
problem and I hope to fixed it up so soon.Please get back to
me via this email Id okay.my client just wrote me that you
have not heard from me since on monday and there is something
that you said you need,send me details.I await your mail
soonest.
Yours Legal Officer,
Barrister Ed Harris.

*gersnort* You'll soon see everything in IT can be blamed on the "server", at least in Ed's world.

Posted: Mon Apr 11, 2005 4:10 pm

Marcel blames a server, yet again, and even goes slightly Amish on me.

Quote:

Hello Hannah,

Greetings to you and your family.Thank you for alerting me on time well,I'l say that I contacted my lawyer yesterday and he was telling that he's own server was down that he as to fixed it up.That he will get to you.I told him about is required of you to travel,that you need P.A letter for the process.Well I hope all is well with thee.I pray that you travel for the journey,God will richly guide you for to and fro.Amen.Please if there is anything please don't fail to ask.thank you very much for your informations and God bless.Amen.

Yours Beloved,

Marcel Bodgand.

His space bar also seems to have gone AWOL. I blame the evil server.

I reply and spread a little paranoia, for good measure.

Quote:

I did update you,and the email bounced. Why do you have a different address? How do I know you're the right Ed Harris?

Hannah

Oh, dear, I sent it to that newer lawyer.com account, which seems to have gone away once more! I wonder if another baiter is reporting them as soon as he uses them? No matter, I'm all for the lad torture.

Okay, fine, I contact him at the messed up From-line havin' nyc.com account.

Quote:

Please fix the slashy things in your From line, it breaks the reply to.

Here's my last email to you that bounced.

I can't sign that. For a start, it calls me a "he", and second, it's just a
graphic copied and pasted into a Word document. You need to fax me a hard copy
of the original document. My personal attorney can't even review that. You've
got plenty of time. It's going to be the first of March probably before I can
make it to Amsterdam.

Hannah

Joyce Destiny keeps on welcoming me to their list of "coustomers", and sends more attachments.

Quote:

Attn: Hannah Graham Lanham

Dear Madam,

Please find below the attachment of the business card of the hotel that was book for you on the 1st of March 2005,you are to contact them for more information and your Reservation Nummber 05022u-020. Note that you are to send to this office your flight details,to unable us for a hitch-free delivery of your consignment.

We await your swift response.

Welcome to our family of coustomers.

Yours in service.

Joyce Destiny(Mrs).

Head of Forex Dept.

Cc:Majestic Trust House.

Now, does this look like what I asked for?

Does that look like a room reservation confirmation to you? I both email the hotel and attempt to confirm the reservation online. I never get a reply, and the website won't accept the "confirmation number", so I can only assume they lied their behinds off about reserving a room.

Quote:

Just want to check that my reservation for March 1 is all set up. Should be
under the name Hannah Lanham, or Hannah Graham Lanham. I believe the
reservation number is 05022u-020, but the online confirmation wouldn't accept
it.

Thanks,
Hannah

Nuffink from the hotel. I guess they figured I was some kind of crackpot, since I didn't have a reservation...

Ed really wants to make sure I travel.

Quote:

Dear Hannah,
Thank for alerting me on time.I have sent it through your fax number it's not going through,that is why I decided to send it through mail.I hope all is well with you and your family?Please get in touch okay.
Yours In Service,

Barrister Ed Harris

And again...

Quote:

Dear Hannah,
How is your day? hope fine?Well I contact the security company about your flight schedule and they told me they have not heard from you.please try as much as possible to send me your flight schedule to me and also send it to the security company,so that they be aware of your coming.please I also want you to send the documents that i sent you to them, I have explain to them that your fax is not going that is why,so please send it to them as soon as possible.Get me updated today.

Yours Legal Officer,

Barrister Ed Harris.

No, it's not fine, Ed. I have no place to stay!

Persistent little bugger, isn't he?

Quote:

Dear Hannah,
How is everything? Hope they are in order?Well I have
contacted the security company about the document and they
will allow you to proceed with the one in your hand and have
also told to address you as a lady not as man.Please try and
send your flight schedule to them as well as the documents and
to me as soon as possible,so that there will be no delay in
the processing of the documents.I await your mail.
Yours legal officer,
barrister Ed Harris.

I didn't even let him dangle long. He was just particularly needy.

On the 28th of February, I let Ed know what the problem is. Too late to be getting on the plane, now.

Quote:

The security company heard from me about my plans to arrive on March 1. I got
them to reserve me a room. They sent me the confirmation number. I tried
contacting the hotel to confirm the reservation, and they have not responded
to my email. The phone was busy when I attempted to call. The confirmation
number is completely invalid according to the website when I try to confirm
via that route.

I can only conclude that the Majestic Trust has failed to properly reserve the
room for me, which they promised to do. I am delaying my departure until I am
assured that a room will be waiting for me. I'm copying this email to the
security company. Also, Barrister Harris, please do stop emailing me from
three different accounts. It's very confusing, and it makes me wonder if I am
talking to the right person when I get emails from three different accounts.

Hannah Lanham

Posted: Mon Apr 11, 2005 8:38 pm

Ed replies from his messed up account, with the subject "Sorry For Using My Private Mail Box!!!"

Quote:

Dear Hannah,
Complement of the day.Please due to security
reasons I have been using my private mail box to
contact you and I hope there is no problem with
it?Please get me updated if you have contacted
the security company and if you have made the
trip ?.My client mailed me and was requesting if
you have made the trip?So please get in touch
with me so that I know the position of things,as
for the security company please send them the
details as soon as possible,because I contacted
them yesterday about your trip and they said they
have not heard from you.I'll try and contact them
today.I want to ask if is possible to speak to
you as soon as possible i.e if your voice is
alright now for that?Please I await your mail.
Yours Legal Officer,
Barrister Ed Harris.

What part of "these idiots didn't get me a hotel room" does he not understand?

And because I don't reply within four seconds...

With the subject "Please Proceed Without Wasting Time!!"

Quote:

Dear Hannah,
I'm so sorry about the email that I sent you using my private
mailing box,it's because I've not fix my server/system
programming up that is why.Please I've contacted the security
company about your flight schedule and that of the reservation
room and they told me that everything is in order,that they
have sent you the details of the reserved room and they are
going to pick you up from the airport,Please I'll advice you
to take your flight as soon as possible now.Please proceed
that everything is intact now,your requirement is been
met,Please get in touch with me as soon as you finalise
everything with security company.I wish you safe journey and
God guidiance in your journey.Amen.I'm so glad to hear that
you are travelling and I 'll notify my client about it
soonest.I await your mail.
Yours Legal Officer,
Barrister Ed Harris.

I'm not going today, you twat! They don't have me a room!

Joyce Destiny finally gets around to replying to my CC of the message to Ed, explaining why I am not going.

Quote:

Attn: Hannah Ianham

Dear Madam,

This is to acknowledged the receipt of your mail dated 1/03/2005 and the contact is quite understood.We properly make a reservation for the room in the hotel for on the 1st of March,it was your fault that you refuse to call the hotel or Majestic Trust House for more information.

Although your apointment has been cancelled for today and another apointment has been for you on Monday 7 of March 2005 and a new hotel reservation has been made for you, on Monday 7 of March 2005 and you are advice to contact the hotel for further information.Find below the detail of your new hotel:

Hotel Name: BASTION HOTEL

Telephone:0031206691621.

Reservation Number: B28F111708.

Madam, if there is any way we can discuss verbally with your son or any member of your families for better understanding do not hesitate to inform us as we are protecting your interest in this transaction as our honour client.

We await your swift response.

Yours in service.

Joyce Destiny(Mrs).

Head of Forex Dept.

Cc:Majestic Trust House.

Oh, you done asked for it now! You've implied that a male family member is better to talk to than ME. Like I'M not smart enough or competent enough to handle this. And you have the gall to be pretending to be a woman while doing so. Oh, there's going to be some righteous indignation on that reply!

Ed keeps falling all over himself to apologize for his "server", and he seems to still be under the impression that I have magically transported myself there without aid of an aircraft.

Quote:

Hello Hannah,
Please Proceed that the security company have prepare a
reservation room for you and they will pick you up in the
airport okay.Please It's because I've not fixed my system
/server programming up that is why i decided to use my private
mailing box,hope is clear with you?I awit your mail as soon as
possible after finalisation with the security company.
Yours Legal Officer,
Barrister Ed Harris.

First, my reply to Joyce.

Quote:

Attn: Hannah Ianham

Dear Madam,

>This is to acknowledged the receipt of your mail dated 1/03/2005 and the >contact is quite understood.We properly make a reservation for the room >in the hotel for on the 1st of March,it was your fault that you refuse to >call the hotel or Majestic Trust House for more information.

I called them. Their number was busy every time I called. The online confirmation process, on their website, which you pointed me to with the hotel's own business card, says the confirmation number you gave me is invalid. The hotel would not respond to my emailed inquiry either. All you had to do was send me a scan of a receipt or a booking confirmation to prove that the reservation was in place, so it's your fault for either not booking it when you promised you would, booking it incorrectly, or thinking that a hotel business card is somehow "proof" of a reservation.

>Although your apointment has been cancelled for today and another >apointment has been for you on Monday 7 of March 2005 and a new >hotel reservation has been made for you, on Monday 7 of March 2005 >and you are advice to contact the hotel for further information.Find below >the detail of your new hotel:

>Hotel Name: BASTION HOTEL

>Telephone:0031206691621.

>Reservation Number: B28F111708.

Assuming the reservation is legitimate, I will be taking the following flight. Your Trip So Far - 1 Adult Total Air, Taxes & Fees $1,450.05 Outbound Flight Sun, Mar 06 1:10pm Depart - Seattle/Tacoma International Airport (SEA) 7:50am Arrive - Amsterdam (AMS) Total travel time: 9hrs 40 mins Arrives Mon Airline Logo KLM Royal Dutch Airlines 6034 * Nonstop Return Flight Thu, Mar 10 11:10am Depart - Amsterdam (AMS) 12:25pm Arrive - Seattle/Tacoma International Airport (SEA) Total travel time: 10hrs 15 mins Airline Logo KLM Royal Dutch Airlines 6033 * *

>Madam, if there is any way we can discuss verbally with your son or any ?member of your families for better understanding do not hesitate to >inform us as we are protecting your interest in this transaction as our >honour client.
L
isten you, I don't need my son, or my husband, or any other MAN handling my business for me, Joyce. Although, my son is four, so maybe his conversational skills would be about your speed. I would think as a businesswoman, you would understand that. I'm not a little girl that needs to be coddled. I have never been so incredibly insulted in all my life, Joyce, especially since you're a woman, too. I am fully capable of handling this business on my own. You might need Mr. Destiny to give you permission to do everything, but I don't. And if you ever imply that I need a man to handle my business transactions for me again, you can find someone else to handle this.

Hannah Lanham

My fictional four-year-old is awfully bright for his age, you see.

Meh, I'm bored. I decide to abuse Captain Tech-Pants again.

Quote:

No, I didn't make the trip, because the hotel could not confirm the room
reservation that the security company supposedly made for me. AND COULD YOU
PLEASE FIX YOUR NAME IN THE FROM? Once again, it's very annoying to have a
bunch of backslashes in your name, your last name isn't even capitalized, and
the backslashes mess up the email program when I hit "Reply To". I get "Ed ha
in the To field, and I have to copy and paste your proper email address.
Please fix this.

Hannah Lanham

Okay, I abuse him repeatedly.

Quote:

> Dear Hannah,
> I'm so sorry about the email that I sent you using my private
> mailing box,it's because I've not fix my server/system
> programming up that is why.Please I've contacted the security
> company about your flight schedule and that of the reservation
> room and they told me that everything is in order,that they
> have sent you the details of the reserved room and they are
> going to pick you up from the airport,

They're not going to pick me up, because I didn't go. I told them I would book
the flight when they could show I had a room. The online confirmation process
said the confirmation number they gave me was invalid. The hotel did not
respond to my emailed inquiry, and the copy of the hotel's business card,
which is all the security company sent to me, is not proof of a reservation.

>Please I'll advice you
> to take your flight as soon as possible now.Please proceed
> that everything is intact now,your requirement is been
> met,

Once again, my requirements were NOT met. I asked for proof of a room
reservation. I was unable to confirm that I had a room. Therefore I did not
make the trip.

>Please get in touch with me as soon as you finalise
> everything with security company.I wish you safe journey and
> God guidiance in your journey.Amen.I'm so glad to hear that
> you are travelling and I 'll notify my client about it
> soonest.I await your mail.
> Yours Legal Officer,
> Barrister Ed Harris.
>
>

You seem to have cotton in your ears, Ed. I told you I wasn't traveling until
my requirements were met. They weren't.

Hannah Lanham

I'll give Ed this. He gamely hangs in there.

Quote:

Dear Hannah,
Goodday to you and your family.I hope all is well?Well I just
contacted the security company and they told me that you did
not make the trip based on the fact of reservation of
room.They also inform me that arrangement as be made for you
and they will get in touch with you.Please get me informed on
when you are going to make your trip,so that my client as well
will know details because I have informed him that you were
surpose to move yesterday.Please get me updated as soon as you
have book for your flight.I await your mail.Please don't be
angry about the slash thing in my server,I'll fix it up.
Yours Legal Officer,
Barrister Ed Harris.

In fact, he's so sorry, he sent me that last message twice. I throw Ed a bone.

Quote:

I'm going right now to book the following flight.

Outbound Flight Sun, Mar 06 1:10pm Depart - Seattle/Tacoma International
Airport (SEA) 7:50am Arrive - Amsterdam (AMS) Total travel time: 9hrs 40 mins
Arrives Mon Airline Logo KLM Royal Dutch Airlines 6034 * Nonstop

My return flight is the tenth, at the moment. But I'm planning on purchasing
flexible return dates, so I'm not locked into that.

Hannah

Ed is probably so happy, he's wetting himself at this point.

Quote:

Dear Hannah,
Goodday to you and your family.Thank you for updating me,I'll
contact the security company about it as soon as possible and
make sure all is in progress.I await your mail and God's mercy
all through the journey.Amen.
Yours Legal Officer,
Barrister Ed Harris.

Posted: Mon Apr 11, 2005 8:57 pm

Ed wants a flight slip. Pshaw. Confirmation slips are sooooo 20th century!

Quote:

Dear Hannah,
I want to confirm something from you about your flight,Please
the details that you sent to me about your flight,please have
you book for it now?if so send me the slip as soon as possible
because I'm about to contact the security company about it,so
that everything will be intact with out delay on the security
company side okay.Thank for your mail,I await your response to
these.
Yours Legal Officer,
Barrister Ed Harris.

Again, he sent me that twice.

I can't resist. It's impossible to resist. I have to ... mention the slashes again!

Quote:

For the last time, would you take the fucking slashes out of your name!

Yes, I've booked the flight. There isn't a slip. It's an electronic ticket.
There is no receipt or paper ticket. There's nothing but an email
confirmation.

Hannah

*sigh* I wish he did have a server and an engineer. I'd like to insert both of them into Ed's sigmoid colon, at this point.

Quote:

Dear Hannah,
Goodday to you and your family.Thanks for the mail you sent and
I'll try and fix up the slash thing this week,my engineer has
promise me that everything will be fine this week.Please try
and get in touch with the security company,I told them that you
will be leaving for Amsterdam tomorrow by 1:30pm.I wish you
safe journey and God's mercy .Amen.I await your mail as soon as
everything is been finalised.
Yours Legal Officer,
Barrister Ed Harris.

I offer him a free tech lesson, and he still can't get the damned backslashes out of his name.

Quote:

> Dear Hannah,
> Goodday to you and your family.Thanks for the mail you sent and
> I'll try and fix up the slash thing this week,my engineer has
> promise me that everything will be fine this week.

You don't need the fucking engineer to fix it! It has nothing to do with your
damned server! In your email program, whatever you use to send email, find the
settings or preferences, and find out where the entry is for your "From" name.
You've got "\E\d\ \h\a\r\r\i\s" in it. Take the fucking slashes out with the
damned delete key and make it read "Ed Harris". It's not that hard. You don't
need a damned advanced degree to fix it. EDIT YOUR DAMNED NAME!

>Please try
> and get in touch with the security company,I told them that you
> will be leaving for Amsterdam tomorrow by 1:30pm.I wish you
> safe journey and God's mercy .Amen.I await your mail as soon as
> everything is been finalised.
> Yours Legal Officer,
> Barrister Ed Harris.

I can't tell them anything more than you told them. I'm leaving tomorrow by
1:30 PM. I don't see any reason to contact them unless my flight gets
cancelled or delayed. Right now, it's scheduled to leave on time.

Hannah

Joyce dares to show her face again.

Quote:

Attn: Hannah Graham Lanham

Dear Madam,

This is to inform you that this office is waiting for your flight schedule to enable our Protocol Officer meet with you at the Airport and bring you to the venue of the clearance of your consignment and also to enable the needful be put together for a hitch-free delivery of your consignment . For further information,please contact the Director of Operations Mr.William Morgan on direct line 0031-619024273.

We await your immediate response.

Your in service.

Joyce Destiny (Mrs).

Cc: Majestic Trust House

Nuh uh. No way. I'm not meeting a stranger at the airport!

Meanwhile, Marcel has to get back in on the act.

Quote:

Dear Hannah,
God's greeting from above to you.My lawyer told me that you will be travelling and I hope that was sucessful?I pray that God will guide you as you work towards the end of these process.Please get me informed if everything as been done.I pray that God will lead you there and bring you back sucessfully.Amen.Please get me informed okay.
Yours Sincerely,
Marcel Bodgand.

Ed is still a doink. He emails me with the subject "Please What Is Going On!!". I wish you knew, Ed, I wish you knew.

Quote:

Dear Hannah,
I'll say hope all is well with your journey?Well thank
God.Please get me informed about the situations over there. The
security company told me they have not heard from you,that they
do not know the position of things from your own side now.I
gave them the details about your schedule but they said that
they have not heard from you since.Well I hope all is
well?Sorry about the slash thing is my design that was put by
my email provider,that is what my engineer told me and there is
nothing ii can do about it.please try as much as possible to
contact the security company and I've told my client about your
trip okay.please I await your mail okay.
Yours Legal Officer,
Barrister Ed Harris.

Then, again, with the subject "Hello Please Get Back Me Soonest!!"

Quote:

Dear Hannah,
Goodday to you and your family.Hope they are fine?Well I was
informed by the security company yesterday that you did not
show up,I want to ask, if you missed your flight or if there
is any problem?please get across to me so that I'll put one or
two things together to enable us proceed with everything.I'll
also advice you to contact the security company and let them
know the situation of things because they where worried about
you not showing up,but I told them that you will show up,that
may be is due to delay in your flight,please I can rememeber
that you told me that if any delay you will contact them.Well
I hope all is well you and I pray that God should guide
you.Amen.Please get back to me soonest so that I'll know what
to do because time is not our friend.I await your mail.
Yours Legal Officer,
Barrister Ed Harris.

Well, time is not YOUR friend, Ed. It's mine.

Then with the subject "Why Are You Wasting The Security Company Time!!!"

(Does Ed not know of the discovery of the question mark?)

Quote:

Dear Hannah,
The way things are going you are no longer putting thing the
way it surpose to be,The reservation room was made for you and
the trip you made it but you refused to call the security
company when you arrived there which is bad,they are reaally
disturbing me about your trip,So I'll advice you to contact
them immediately.I await your mail.
Yours Legal Officer,
Barrister Ed Harris.

Now, to let you all know, I played possum for a rather long while after I was supposed to have arrived, intending to say I had been taken ill or kidnapped or attacked by space weasels, or whatever. Inspired by a real friend who had to have a very real emergency appendectomy, I decided to go with that modality. I figured I could have some fun under the guise of being on strong painkillers.

Quote:

> Dear Hannah,
> The way things are going you are no longer putting thing the
> way it surpose to be,The reservation room was made for you and
> the trip you made it but you refused to call the security
> company when you arrived there which is bad,they are reaally
> disturbing me about your trip,So I'll advice you to contact
> them immediately.I await your mail.
> Yours Legal Officer,
> Barrister Ed Harris.
>

I see you still haven't figured out how to work your damned email program. Are
you that technologically challenged? Would it be easier for you to set up a
whole new email account and not put those fucking annoying slashes in your
damned account?

For your information, not that I think any of you care, I became ill and
collapsed in the airport before boarding my flight. I was rushed to the
hospital for an emergency appendectomy. My appendix burst and set up sepsis.
That's why I didn't make the flight. If you people had proven the reservation
properly the first time, I would have been there and back by now, and I
wouldn't have lost my plane fare on the non-refundable ticket. I'm on powerful
painkillers and an IV drip of antibiotics. If I'm lucky, I might get out of
the hospital in a couple more days.

Thanks lots for your concern, Ed. I bet you don't give a damn. You're just all
hot air, like your promises about taking THOSE STUPID SLASHES OUT OF YOUR
FUCKING NAME SO I DON'T HAVE TO FUCKING COPY YOUR SHITTY LITTLE EMAIL ADDRESS
EVERY DAMNED TIME I REPLY TO YOU. If "your engineer" really told you that it's
part of the server and couldn't be fixed, either he's a damned liar or he's
fucking-ass stupid. Stupid fucking lawyers. I hate the lot of you. You're the
ruination of everything. Think you're better educated and better than everyone
else, but you don't know your ass from your elbow.

Hannah

Actually, I'm not all that opposed to lawyers... I even know and like a few. Laughing

Ed tells me "Please Get Well Soonest!!!"

Quote:

Dear Hannah,
I'm so sorry about your illness.But we were not aware of that,I pray God will protect you and make you recover very fast from your illness.I hope all medications as been taken?Please I don't like insults okay just put me were I belong that is all I need from you not an Insult because it's an offence okay.Please get in touch with security company because they are very angry about the whole thing,but I'll get accross to them too about your illness okay,Please let them know how you will make arrangement for the transfer since you are down and they will tell you what to do on that okay.I await your mail soonest,Get well soonest by his Grace.Amen.
Yours Legal Officer,
Barrister Ed Harris.

Damn. Ed is like a rubber ball. Just keeps bouncing back.

Again, I play possum for a while and let him email me.

Quote:

Dear Hannah,
How is your health?Hope you are better now?Well I've told my client about your health condition and we decided to make things easy for you by discussing with the security company if they can transfer the fund to you based on the fact that you are not sound for now,so by tomorrow they will give me details if they can transfer it to you or not.I hope you recover soonest and to the Glory of our God Almighty.Amen.I await your mail.
Yours Legal Officer,
Barrister Ed Harris.

The more exclamation points in the subject, the longer I wait. He repeats the above message. He's good about doing things twice. I begin to wonder if he has some sort of lad OCD.

I come out of my painkiller-induced haze.

Quote:

Damn it, Ed, please email me from some other account without the slashes.
That's damned annoying, especially when I'm sick, out the money for airline
tickets, and don't feel like putting up with this crap. Speaking of which, how
did you even know I was sick? I don't remember calling or emailing you when I
was in the hospital. They had to take my appendix out.

Hannah

This ruse was somewhat inspired by the fact that people in my family really don't react that well to painkillers. They tend to hallucinate, or get mighty cranky all of a sudden. It's why I avoid medication all I can.

Barrister Ed is still damned interested in my health. He inquires after it in every email, usually in the subject and the body.

Quote:

Dear Hannah,

How is your health today?Hope you getting better now?I pray that God will protect you and grant you quick recovery.Amen.please the security company said that they can be able to transfer the consignment to you based on your health condition and i hope all is well with our decision.Well I hope to hear from you soonest and get something ready for the shipment of the consignment.Get well soonest with all effort from the Lord Almighty.Amen.I await your mail.

Yours Legal Officer,
Barrister Ed Harris.

Hannah uses the "non-refundable airfare and medical bills" modality to plead sudden strained finances.

Quote:

How on earth are they going to manage that if I can't travel? Finances are very strained now, thanks to this surgery and the hospital bill and losing the money on the tickets.

Hannah

Posted: Tue Apr 12, 2005 7:22 pm

Marcel checks in again. He tries to put an entire letter in his subject line, which is "Hello Hannah, Thank God You Are Getting Better!!!"

No less than three exclamation points per customer with this scammer gang!

Quote:

Hello My Beloved Sister,

Thank God you are getting better now.Well we must praise God for all his mercy over us and his protection over us,We pray that he guide's us all day long.Amen.Please,how is your health now?Hope you are getting better than ever?I wish you qucik recovery and God's healings on time.Amen.Please try as much as possible to get in touch with my lawyer,so that the security company can transfer the consignment to you with out stressing you on your health condition Okay.I await your mail after contacting my lawyer.

Yours Sincerely,

Marcel Bodgand.

You get up off that deathbed and contact that lawyer, hun.

I reply. I even remind him that he's supposed to be all sick and dying and stuff.

Quote:

The lawyer said he was working on a way for them to transfer it, and I asked
him how, since I can't travel and finances are tight, what with the unexpected
bills. I haven't heard from him, yet. I'm improving, but I'm very lucky it
wasn't worse.

How is your own health? It's so sweet of you to inquire after mine, since
you're ill yourself.

Hannah

Ed-eroo has found his question mark! His next mail has the subject "How Is Your Health?Hope getting Better?"

Quote:

Dear Hannah,
How is your health today? Hope fine and better now?finances are strain now but I don't know if you can raise something for the shipment of the consignment?Based on the fact that you are down,Please notify me if you can raise something for the consignment,so that we pay directly to the security company account.Please get well soonest and God will grant you a quick recovery.Amen.I await your mail.
Yours Legal Officer,
Barrister Ed Harris.

Can I raise something? Can I raise something? Well, lemme tell you, mister... Oh. You meant money. Nah. No money.

I've been dying to ask this of every lad that asks me to contribute any sum of my choosing...

Quote:

Can I raise "something"? What is this? An auction? I assume the security company has a set fee for this sort of thing, don't they? Tell me what it is, and I'll see if I can afford it. But money is extremely tight right now, what with the unexpected bills.

Hannah

Oy, back to the exclamation points. "Please Get Better Soonest!!!"

Quote:

Dear Hannah,
How is your health now?Hope all is well with situation now?I thank God Almighty for his protection over us and I pray that God will grant you quick recovery.Amen.How is your family?Hope they are doing just fine?My client sent a mail to me that you wrote him in terms of the transfer,well all is well, is just the finance issue,The money that I'm talking about is the 15,500euros in which they want us to pay,so because of your condition that is while I'm asking if you can raise something?The security company told me that they can transfer the consignment,but we have to pay the 15,500euros and I'll ask them if there is any charges for transfer?Because they have not told me about the transfer fee,So I hope things will be fine this week,if you can raise the funds for the shipment/consignment.Please get back to me quick so that I know what to do and tell the security company, so that they can provide their account details which you will pay to and I've to put things together for my client because he is so worried about your health but he's doing for now.Please get well soonest okay,I pray that things will be fine with you.Amen.I await your urgent mail to these effect.

Yours Legal Officer,
Barrister Ed Harris.

It's the neverending paragraph o' doom! Ph34r my lack of returns!

(cough) 15,500 Euros? Chump change, my dear. And here also begins a long and puzzling insistence on Ed's part that I be the middle woman between him and the security company, when there is NO FREAKING REASON FOR IT. He even claims he's already in contact with the security company. He gives no reason why he can't ask what is owed. But for some reason known only to his pea-like little brain, I have to contact them and ask what is owed. You know this is going to be a point of contention.

First, though, let's see how bad he wants me.

Quote:

There is no way I can raise that kind of money. I can't even take out a loan for that much money.

Hannah

Ed, obviously because of his evil server, which is out to get him, like some possessed toaster, fails to notice that my last one-line reply is at the bottom of his comments, and like the twit he is, does not scroll down and read the whole thing. Consequently, I get this.

Quote:

Dear Hannah,

Hope all is well with you?How is your health now?I got no message from your last email.Please get back to me as soon as you recieve this mail regarding the last mail I sent you okay.Please get better.

I await your mail.

Yours Legal Officer,
Barrister Ed Harris.

In fact, he lets me know what an idiot he is in two separate emails.

Quote:

Hello Hannah,

How is your health now?Hope is getting better than ever?Well I just want to alert you that i did not get the message you sent to me last because nothing was written on it.I hope all is well with you,I pray that God will guide and a safe quick recovery.Amen.I await your mail.

Yours Legal Officer,

Barrister Ed Harris.

You're turning my hair white, Ed. Seriously. You make even my most computerphobic users at work look like Techheads.

I get a bit shirty in my next, top posted reply.

Quote:

Ed, you really are bad with computers, aren't you? SCROLL DOWN TO THE BOTTOM OF THE LAST MESSAGE! I CAN'T RAISE THAT KIND OF MONEY! I CAN'T GET A LOAN FOR THAT MUCH, EVEN.

Hannah

Ed's subjects just get weirder and weirder. "Hello Hannah,How Is your Day?Please Get Back To Me!!"

He also seems to lose complete touch with reality, here, because he simultaneously denies asking me to raise any money, then asks if I can raise it! He also suddenly accuses me of talking to the security company about Spain. I think for a moment I've buggered up my baits, but I review, and find that I've never talked to this security company about Spain! I've no idea what he's on about. I've obviously driven him round the bend, by now.

Quote:

Hello Hannah,

I did not say anything about raising money to you.I only told you that security company fees for the consignment is 15500 euros and i don't know if they we require money for the shipment of the consignment.Please get back to me about if you can raise that.What amount are you talking about?Don't let anybody decieve you about raising another money okay.I did not get the amount you are talking about this below my mail,so let me know much about what you are talking about.Please the security company just told me that you contacted them, that you are talking about spain,please there no spain in this shipment of the consignment,get back to them about the shipment of the consignment,The money they told me about is that of the dumorage/duty fees which is 15500 euros .Please let me know soonest if it's possible for you to raise 15500 euros that is all i wrote you,there is no spain in this issue.How is your health?My client will get to you soonest and I'll forward your mail to him about what you just said and that of the security company.I did not do anything regarding the billing is just 15500euros okay that the security company said.I await your urgent mail today.

Yours In Service,

Barrister Ed Harris.

Ed. Is. Barking. Mad. Barking, I tell you.

I shall treat him accordingly. Marcel checks back in, too. He gets familial with me. "Hello sister Hannah,Hope You Are Getting Better?"

I toy with replying "I am not a nun."

Quote:

Dear Sister Hannah,
Thanks for asking me about my health.I'm getting better with God's grace (What happened to help a dying man and I'm not long for this world? Miraculous recovery?) and I pray that his mercy should guide you too.Amen.How is your family? Hope they are fine?Well my lawyer forward a mail to me that you sent to him regarding the dumorage /duty fees,he said the he sent you what the security company said you should pay and that is 15500 euros,that he did not send any billing more than that to you and that the security company have not said anything about shipment fees,he also told me that you told the security company about spain. (It is the runon sentence of death. He's caught whatever Ed has.)

My consignment is not in spain,the consignment is located in netherland in which security company hope to transfer the funds to you when I met their requirement.Please contact the security company about it and also with my lawyer,his email address is ([email protected] ).Please try as much as possible to contact the security company and my lawyer as soon as possible okay. (What was that again? As soon as possible?) Please always pray to God for me and also for your family for their support that you have to help me out of this.I'm loking forward to hear from you soon.God bless.
Yours Sincerely,
Marcel Bodgand.

Oh, Marcel, you are soooo not looking forward to hearing from me. You just don't know.

Posted: Tue Apr 12, 2005 7:46 pm

Marcel, true to Ed's form, sent me the last letter twice. He has my address in the To AND the CC fields. *sigh*

Ed again. "Hello Hannah!!!" He's so freaking cheery.

Quote:

Dear Hannah,

How is your day? Hope fine?My client just informed me that he wrote you pertaining the shipment of the consignment.Please get back to me soonest if you have contacted the security company?So that thing will be fixed up on time.Please get fit soonest okay,God will surely protect you okay.I await your mail.

Yours In Service,

Barrister Ed Harris.

I break the news to Marcel that Ed. Is. Bonkers.

Quote:

Look, I don't know what kind of drugs Ed is on, but he's obviously insane. I
haven't said word one to the majestic trust security company about this
business since March 7, and I certainly haven't said anything about Spain. Ed
will write in one sentence that he doesn't want me to raise any money, then he
turns around a paragraph later and asks me AGAIN if I can raise the 15,500
euros. Which I've already told him I can't. Look, I just got out of the
hospital, and lost thousands of dollars on non-refundable travel expenses. I
have other bills. I can't even borrow that much money. I'm very sorry, but I
cannot afford doing this right now.

Ed has written me a ton of times asking if I can raise this money, and then
he will deny in the next email that he's asking me to pay anything! I've had
enough of this. I don't have the money, I can't afford to get it, and I'm
beginning to think Ed is unstable and incapable of handling your affairs. My
advice to you would be to get a new lawyer and find someone who can actually
afford the demurrage fees.

Hannah

While I'm at it, I also break the news to Ed that he's a fruitcake.

Quote:

>Hello Hannah,

>I did not say anything about raising money to you.

You most certainly did! I quote from your email of March 17. "The money that I'm talking about is the 15,500euros in which they want us to pay,so because of your condition that is while I'm asking if you can raise something?The security company told me that they can transfer the consignment,but we have to pay the 15,500euros and I'll ask them if there is any charges for transfer?" I don't have any money to be spending on transfer fees or shipment fees, or anything like that. I DO NOT HAVE MONEY TO BE SPENDING ON THIS RIGHT NOW. I've got hospital bills and other bills, I lost money on the plane tickets, and money is tight right now. I don't have anything to raise, and I sure as hell am not going to borrow.

>I only told you that security company fees for the consignment is 15500 >euros and i don't know if they we require money for the shipment of the > consignment.

Yes, and you kept saying they want "us" to pay for it. Was I not included in that "us"? I certainly hope not, because I'm not able to afford anything right now. Not fees, not travel, nothing.

>Please get back to me about if you can raise that.What amount are you >talking about?Don't let anybody decieve you about raising another >money > okay.I did not get the amount you are talking about this below >my mail,so >let me know much about what you are talking about.Please >the security > company just told me that you contacted them, that you >are talking about >spain,please there no spain in this shipment of the >consignment,get back > to them about the shipment of the consignment,

Now what ARE you talking about? I haven't talked to the majestic trust security company at all since March the 7th. I certainly haven't said anything to them about Spain, either. Like I told you already, I sure can't be traveling right now. Spain, Amsterdam, doesn't matter. I think surely they have me mixed up with someone else, or they're looking at old mail.

>The money they told me about is that of the dumorage/duty fees which is >15500 euros .Please let me know soonest if it's possible for you to raise > 15500 euros that is all i wrote you,

Make up your damned mind! You say in one spot you don't want me to raise any money, then you do! I've fucking told you, I can't raise that kind of money!

>there is no spain in this issue.How is your health?My client will get to >you soonest and I'll forward your mail to him about what you just said > >and that of the security company.I did not do anything regarding the >billing is just 15500euros okay that the security company said.I await > >your urgent mail today.

>Yours In Service,

>Barrister Ed Harris.

I'm beginning to think you're on drugs or something, Ed. You can't seem to keep anything straight at all. You can't even keep straight inside your own email about whether or not you want me to try to raise money. Forget it, Ed. Just forget it. I can't afford this transaction, and I'm becoming convinced that you can't handle it.

Hannah

Marcel emails again. He seems a bit... behind. In regards to my health, anyway.

Quote:

Hello Sister Hannah,
Thank God you are back from the hospital.I was really scared about it.Well our God is in control of everything,I pray that as he see us through this day,may he also provide for us.Amen.Please don't be angry over Ed Harris he was only trying to put things into consideration ,that is while he is asking you to raise funds for the shipment.Sister Hannah,Please forgive him because you have tried a lot,May God reward you on everything you have done.Amen.Please as a matter of fact,I'll not want to give anybody the job to do because I have trust in him and Please I'll make sure that all your expense will be given to you as soon as the consignment is been shipped to your country.I hope you understand my plight about the whole thing.Please get some rest before we proceed with the issue later on okay.I'll get to him and let him know about the whole thing that you are not happy with him based on the fact that you are very ill,I'll make some arrangement pertaining your percentage increase because you have done a lot in this issue,I'll talk to him and I'll also contact the security company about the whole thing that they should bear with you a while for you to recover soonest based on the bill you have spent on the issue in the hospital.Please keep fit and always take your drugs because is very important to health issues.I await your mail okay.
Yours Sincerely,
Marcel Bodgand.

Aw, Marcel's all loyal and stuff. And he wants me to take drugs. I think that explains a lot...

Ed super-duper-apologizes. "Sorry For The Whole Thing!!!"

Quote:

Dear Hannah,
I'm really sorry for the whole thing.It was mixed up by me,My client told me that you are really angry about the whole thing.Please I'm really sorry and please forgive me if I put you in a condition you did not like at all.I'll get to the security company about your conditions now that you are just coming out of the hospital and you do not have money to pay for the consignment now,that you have a lot of bill to put up.Please get back to me as soon as possible okay.I'll see on what I can do about the the whole issue by making you get fit before we proceed on the issues okay,Hope you have done all necessary to meet up your health conditions?Thanks for your mail.I'm really sorry okay.
Yours Legal Officer,
Barrister Ed Harris.

Again, he sends me the frigging thing twice. Take me out of CC Ed!

I email Marcel once more. I am po', Marcel.

Quote:

Ed's mailed me, but he's still not being very clear on how he expects to pull
this transaction off when I can't afford to pay the Security Company and I am
unable to travel. He keeps saying we can do it, but he's never explained how.
Neither of you seem to completely understand that I can't afford either paying
the security company or traveling, even without considering my health. A
percentage increase after the transaction goes through does me absolutely no
good if I can't come up with the money to complete the transaction, you see.

Hannah

I also throw Ed a bone.

Quote:

Yes, I was angry, because you kept contradicting yourself in your own email. Now that we have that clear, what are you going to do, exactly? I still don't understand how you're going to complete this transaction when I can't travel. You haven't explained it properly.

Hannah

Explain, Ed, explaiiiiiiin!

Marcel, again.

Quote:

Hello Sister Hannah,
Thanks for your efforts.How is your health now ? Hope fine?Well I'll contact my lawyer and let him know if he can get someone to loan us money for the payment of the consignment,later on, we will refund the money to the person with little interest,I hope that is okay by you.Please mail me if you are okay with this level of things.Sister keep on taking your medications okay.God grant you quick recovery.Amen.
Yours Sincerely,
Marcel Bodgand.

Why, Marcel, finally, an explanation. A loan!

Quote:

That would be an absolute Godsend. I certainly hope the someone you're
referring to would be more forgiving and understanding than the bank. We've no
hope of getting a loan of that size on our own.

Hannah

In gratitude, I practically slobber all over Marcel for forming a coherent thought.

Ed hops back on the scam train, he's apparently gotten his medication adjusted. All except for that quirk of wanting me to contact the security company...

Quote:

Dear Hannah,
Thank you very much for given me time to explain to you.How is your health now?Well I contacted the security company about the transfering of the consignment to you,They told me they can transfer it via shipment but that we have to pay for shipment fee's and that of the dumorage/duty fee's.You travelling is not the problem at hand now,it's the money because the security company has agree to transfer the consignment to you.Since your health condition is not too good for you to get the money on that, based on your bills and all other expense you have made so far in hospital.My client decided to write me that I should look for somewhere to get a loan for the shipment of the consignment to you.Please I want you to do me a favour by contacting the security company,Asking them the actual bills for the shipment and that of the dumorage fees all together so that I know exact amount in which I will get as loan.Please hope I'm making myself clear,so get back to me as soon as you get in touch with the security company okay.I await your mail soonest.God Bless.Amen.
Yours Legal Officer,
Barrister Ed Harris.

I have to get shirty again.

Quote:

No, you're not making yourself clear. Give me a good reason why it has to be me that asks the security company what the fees are when you're already in contact with them, and why you insist on wasting time having me do piddling things you could have already done yourself?

Hannah

Ed's nuts again. His explanation makes no sense.

Quote:

Dear Hannah,
How is your day?Hope fine?Happy easter to you and you family in advance,God's blessings to you this festive period.Amen.I have done that,but I just want you to be aware of the whole thing,You still need to talk to them because you are the one that will recieve the comsignment that is while I need you to contact them.Please are you in the position to recieve call now?We need to talk about the loan that I'll get for the shipment of the consignment because the firm that want to loan us need to talk to you too on phone,before they will release the cheque for us and confirm certain thing from you too,so I have made all necessary requirement for the loan but they need to hear from you too.Please get back to me and let me know if you in position to recieve call now okay.I await your mail soonest.
Yours Legal Officer,
Barrister Ed Harris.

Darn me, being all reasonable and stuff.

I must find a way out of talking to the loan company on the phone.

Ed emails me yet again while I'm thinking.

Quote:

Hello Hannah,
Happy easter to you and your family.How is your health now? Hope fine?Well I just want to know if you got my last mail.Please get back to me soonest okay.I await your mail.
Yours Legal Officer,
Barrister Ed Harris.

Got it! This is perfectly reasonable, right?

Quote:

Oh, no you don't! I am not talking to the damned loan company on the phone. I got caught in that a few years back. I called a loan company, and they recorded the phone call. Then they claimed I had agreed to this outrageous interest rate, and they used an EDITED tape to back it up. They claimed when I said "Yes" to confirm my personal information when they read it back to me, that it was really me agreeing to the interest rate they quoted, and I didn't. I'm not getting caught by that shit again. They can give me the terms of the loan in writing or not at all. I don't do business like that over the phone any more.

Hannah

Posted: Wed Apr 13, 2005 6:12 pm

I email Majestic Trust. Oy. And I say what I'm thinking, too.

Quote:

My complete headcase of a lawyer wants me to ask you what the total fees are
on getting the Marcel Bogand consignment shipped to me. Despite the fact that
he's already in contact with you, apparently he can't be buggered to ask for
himself.

Hannah

Lazy lads really get my goat.

Joyce Destiny gives me all the shiznit on the fees and charges.

Quote:

Attn: Hannah

Dear Madam,

This is to acknowledged the receipt of your mail dated 29/03/2005.And this office humbly acknowledge the receipt of your message soliciting for the extension of the delivery of shipment of your consignment to you in your home town U.S.A. The conditions and the charges for our home delivery services are as follows:

(1)The demurrage charges, Netherlands Government tax, Custom clearance,insurance,security and Handling/administrative charges must be paid to this office be for your consignment will depart from Amsterdam to you in U.S.A.

(2)That we will delegate two officials of this company to accompany the consignment,That each of the officials will be given minimum of US$350.00 as Basic Travel Allowance (BTA)before departure from Amsterdam Schipol Airport.

(3)The pictures of the two officials will be scanned and send to your mail box for easy identification.Upon purchase of their tickets, we will send to you the flightitinary to enable you station your self at airport to receive them upon arrival.

COST OF SHIPMENT

1. Netherlands Government tax, Custom clearance,insurance,security and Handling/administrative charges is 15,500Euro.

2.The demurrage charges and storage fee for one month is 3,850Euro.

3.The air-tickets of the two officers that will accompany your consignment to your own country Mexico and Basic Travel Allowance (BTA) is 2,500Euro each of the officer total 5,000Euro.

TOTAL COST OF SHIPMENT

15,500.00EURO
3,850.00EURO
5,000.00EURO
24,350.00EURO

Note that all this charges must be paid to this office be for your consignment will depart from Amsterdam to you in U.S.A.

Please do indicate your willingness and readiness to carry on with the above conditions to enable us put in place every necessary logistic arrangement to enhance a hitch free delivery of the consignment to you.

Thank you for your understanding and co-operation.We await your immediate response, while we thank you for your patronage as we assure you of our professional assistance always.For more information contact the Director of Operation Mr.William Morgan on direct telephone number 0031619024273.

Best regards,

Joyce Destiny(Mrs).

Head of Forex Dept.

Cc:Majestic Trust House.

Like I'm gonna pay that.

I forward this to Ed, with this preface.

Quote:

Here is what the security company had to say. I still don't see why you didn't
just freaking ask for yourself. It does me no damned good to know any of this,
unless you can get the loan. And you can't get the loan until you know the
fees. There, I asked. Happy?

Hannah

Gah! Rolleyes!

Ed, as always, is preternaturally concerned about my health. Ed, have you thought of getting help with this obsession of yours? With the subject "Don't Be Angry, Okay!!!"

Quote:

Dear Hannah,
Thanks for your mail.How is your health?Hope Fine?Well I did not want to put it this way,that is the way you are taking it to be.My client asked me to get a loan for the shipment based on your illness but the firm that want to help refused to help in the sense that they want to talk to you before they can release the loan to us.But you said in your last mail that you can talk to anyone on phone,because of your previous encounter.So I decided to plead with the firm if they can help us out on that but they refused to do that.That is the reason why I've not mailed you,So please I want to see if i can plead with the security company for little time for us to look for money,My client really need your help,So I believe you can help out the whole thing by taking some break to get the funds.Hannah just look unto God for help and mercy for my client is really in pains,I know your conditions is really bad for now but will have to do something about it.Please if you know you can still talk to the firm just let me know about it okay or any means you which it possible for us to get the funds.I'll mail the security company today about a little delay.I await your mail.
Yours Legal Officer,
Barrister Ed Harris.
--

For the love of Heaven, man! Use your spacebar!

Marcel checks in again. Why is he not playing up the "I'm sooo sick and dying!" modality?

Quote:

Hello Sister Hannah,
How is your health today?Hope God is doing hos marvelous work us?I pray that his mercy be with us forever.Amen.My lawyer wrote me that you are angry with the whole thing.Like a matter of fact,the firm that want to help us refused to help because of just little thing,they said you have to talk to them first before they can release the loan to us.I told my lawyer to plead with them but yet they refused to come out with something.Please Sister Hannah,I'll want us to put heads together if you can able to help me out of this because my health is putting me one condition or the other that is why I'm pleading to you with the name of the Lord Almighty that you just look around if you can get the loan some where and at the end of the day We can pay back to the person with interest,I know your conditions is bad for now,My lawyer told me that he as made an appleal to the security company for an adjustment for the shipment.Please get back to me so that we can put things in order okay.Please I await your immediate mail.God Bless.
Marcel Bodgand.

And where has his spacebar gone?

Marcel, dude, I'm going to have to get rough with you. I can see that.

Quote:

You're very glib about me risking my family's finances for your benefit. Look,
I've explained this to Ed Harris already. I cannot afford to get a loan like
that on my own. I refuse to put my family's finances at further risk, when
they are already strained.

I am NOT taking out a damned loan on my own, because I can't afford that kind
of loan if you people don't come through with your end of the bargain, or
something happens and it falls through. And I already explained why I am not
agreeing to the terms of a loan over the phone. I do my business in WRITING,
and writing only. If the loan people can't accommodate that, then forget it.

I have done many a business deal, and not once did any legitimate loaning
agent HAVE to talk to me on the phone. The only one who did that to me
loansharked me. Now, I'm sorry if you are left out in the cold because your
lawyer is too incompetent to get a decent loan company to provide the cash for
the transfer without them having to waste my time on the phone, but my first
responsibility is to myself and my family. I am safeguarding my own health,
and my family's bank account, thank you very much. I am not wasting money on a
bank loan that won't be enough by itself, and I am not taking the risk of
being screwed over by your lawyer's loan company.

What do you think I am? Made of money? If I could get the money to do this
deal that easily, I would be so well off that I wouldn't even be interested in
the sum you agreed to share with me. I cannot get a loan of that size on my
own. If you can't get the loan people to create a contact in writing, like
most legitimate loan agencies DO, then that is not my problem. I'm not
agreeing to any loan over the phone. I got screwed over once, and I'm not
letting that happen again. It's written terms only, or no deal. Sorry, but
those are my conditions. I am not risking putting my family further in debt
over this business.

Hannah

Same to you, too, Ed!

Quote:

I am not taking out a damned loan on my own, because I can't afford that kind of loan if you people don't come through with your end of the bargain, or something happens and it falls through. And I already explained why I am not agreeing to the terms of a loan over the phone. I do my business in WRITING, and writing only. If you can't accommodate that, then forget it.

I have done many a business deal, and not once did any legitimate loaning agent HAVE to talk to me on the phone. The only one who did that to me loansharked me. Now, I'm sorry if you and your client are left out in the cold because you're too incompetent to get a decent loan company to provide the cash for the transfer, but my first responsibility is to myself and my family. I am safeguarding my own health, and my family's bank account, thank you very much. I am not wasting money on a bank loan that won't be enough by itself, and I am not taking the risk of being screwed over by your loan company.

Make "some break" to get the funds? What do you think I am? Made of money? If I could get the money to do this deal that easily, I would be so well off that I wouldn't even be interested in the sum you agreed to share with me. I cannot get a loan of that size on my own. If you can't get the loan people to create a contact in writing, like most legitimate loan agencies DO, then that is not my problem. I'm not agreeing to any loan over the phone. I got screwed over once, and I'm not letting that happen again. It's written terms only, or no deal.

Hannah

Ed is nothing if not persistent.

Quote:

Dear Hannah,

Well all the same.What do we do now just to see that things come through.Your family is really your right first,it's true.Please how are we going to put things for my client ?Hannah let us try and get the money,I know the loan is too big for you,so I'm planning to get something for the loan but it can't be the entire money so I'll want you to get something too so that we can help things out,so like how much can you raise for now so that i know what to do because is not easy for only one person to get the fund okay.So, I plead on behalf of client That you should try get something ,then I fix the other part for him because getting the entire amount is really difficult for me and you alone,so let us come to compromise about the whole thing by you getting something and also with me too.I told the security company That we want to raise fund.So get back to me and tell how much you can raise for the stuff,I believe we can do that okay.I await your urgent mail today okay.Thanks and God Bless.Amen.

Yours Legal Officer,

Barrister Ed Harris.

He seems to have picked up drug dealer terms, as he keeps referring to "the stuff". Maybe he is on drugs...

Marcel and Ed move to the "We'll pretend to raise some of the money, and give you a reduced figure, maybe you'll go for that." approach.

Quote:

Dear Sister Hannah,
How is your day? hope fine?I pray that God should give us the wisdom to overcome this stress at hand.Please my lawyer told me about the entire thing.Well I pray for his grace and mercy over it.Amen.I undestand your plight it's true family are very important.My lawyer told me that he is going tp get something but that he can not get the full amount of the money,so iwanted to say if you can get little money,that is anything of your choice so that the security company can help us to transfer it on time because time is not our friend hope you know sister,I pray that god should bring me out of this situations okay.Please sister just help me to raise anything of your choice okay.I await your mail sister.God will bless you as you work with his words Amen.
Yours Sincerely,
Marcel Bodgand.

Hannah stands firm. She wants a fake check from a financier, Marcel!

Quote:

The amount I choose to raise on my own is nothing. Zip. Zilch. Nada. Ed Harris
can either help me get a loan through the financier, or he can forget it. And
the terms can come in writing, or forget the loan. I've made myself clear.
I've lost enough money already trying to help you. No offense, but my family
comes first.

No more of my money is coming out of my pocket on this.

Hannah

Damn, that was quick, Ed. Did you find that 16000 hiding out in your couch cushions?

Quote:

Hello Hannah,

How is your health hope better now? Please get back to me as soon as possible okay.I could only raise about 16000 dollars and things as been very hard for me to get that amount,so want is the position of things from your end,update me so that we can put things together okay.I await your urgent mail.

Yours Legal Officer,

Barrister Ed Harris.

Posted: Thu Apr 14, 2005 2:59 am

Ed just might be in my top three candidates for Most Unsinkable Lad. I don't give him much hope, so I don't know why he keeps trying. I guess he must not have any more likely victims on the line...

I write Ed again.

Quote:

There has been no change in my position. I either get the loan from the financier, or no money from me. And I get the terms of the loan in writing, or no loan. I've stated my position over and over again. Don't make me keep repeating myself.

Hannah

Ed writes back, a few days later, with "Informations!!!"

Quote:

Hello Hannah,

Thanks for your mail Please send the terms of the loan in writing,so that I see if they can accept yours okay.I await your mail.

Yours Legal Officer,

Barrister Ed Harris.

Ed obviously knows squat about how loans work in the real world. He has just asked my character to write out her own terms for the loan! For a second, I'm tempted to do it. But, see, that would be work. And I want the lads to do the work. No lazing on me! Give me the trophy of loan conditions. Besides, I figure a lad writing out terms for a loan should be hilarious.

I decide to hold out for the possibility of a trophy, tempting as it is to dictate the terms of my own loan. I call Ed out on his ignorance and laziness.

Quote:

What are you on about? The person GIVING the loan is the one that's supposed to make out the document containing the terms of the loan, not the recipient. Have you ever arranged for a loan before? The lending agent makes out a contract, with the amount of the loan, how the money lent is being paid to the client, the interest rate, the time period for repayment, amount of payments, if you repay over time, and so on. It's a binding agreement for both parties.

But the client certainly doesn't make it out. Are you sure you know what you're doing? I would think a lawyer would at least know how a simple loan agreement is made out!

Hannah

Durrr, Ed. I mean, c'mon!

Ed is not an enterprising lad. Bad Ed. Lazy Ed. No cookie for Ed. No biscuit.

He does change his subject to "There Is An Improvement!!!". I admire Ed's nearly unwavering dedication to the triple exclamation point. However, he does bear out Terry Pratchett's theory that the overuse of multiple exclamation points is the product of a diseased mind.

Quote:

Dear Hannah,

Thanks for your mail.Well the firm are not willing to put up the whole thing, (Translation: I have no idea how to produce anything like what you are talking about, it all went over my head, and I'm trying to cover my incompetence, here. So I shall blame it on the firm. Yeah. That's the ticket. The firm.) that is while I decided to put it that way to you.The issue of that firm loaning us money might be a difficult tax to us.Please Hannah,You know very well that my client do not have much money on him. (And if I have my way, Ed, neither will you when I've finished with you.) I have fixed things up with friends of my but we could only raise about $24,000 us dollars and well just need just few thousands of dollars to go,So I believe that I have tried on my part.It remain's just about $8,000 US dollars to put the whole thing up. (Translation: Please, for the love of God, just send me something!) Please get back to me if you can get something of that stuff,so that this stuff will be transfer these weekend.I pray that God should provide for you and your family.Amen.I await your urgent mail.

Alright, I've had enough of you dragging God's name into this, Ed. I'm pretty sure He's sick of it, too. I'm royally mean to Ed in my reply.

Quote:

Dear Hannah,

>Thanks for your mail.Well the firm are not
>willing to put up the whole thing, that is while I decided to put it that
> way to you.

They don't issue terms of loans in writing? That would be illegal in most countries. It certainly doesn't seem like a legitimate loan firm if they are unwilling to put their terms in writing. That is very dodgy. And if they don't want to put it in writing, good riddance to them.

>The issue of that firm loaning us money might be a difficult tax to >us. What the hell are you talking about?

>Please Hannah,You know very well that my client do not have much money on >him.

Too bad. I'm sorry, but I'm not putting my family's finances at risk either. I've made that clear time and time again. No more of my money is going toward this transaction. Period.

>I have fixed things up with friends of my but we could only raise about >$24,000 us dollars and well just need just few thousands of dollars to > >go,So I believe that I have tried on my part.It remain's just about >$8,000 US dollars to put the whole thing up.

I told you not one penny more, and I meant it. I still mean it. Get the $8000 somewhere else. It won't be coming directly out of my pocket.

>Please get back to me if you can get something of that stuff,so that this >stuff will be transfer these weekend. Stuff? Would you be referring to >money? If so, see my earlier comment. Not one more penny. >I pray >that God should provide for you and your family.Amen.I await your >urgent mail.

Sorry, but I have made myself clear. No money, unless there is a loan. No loan unless the company is reputable enough to be willing to put the terms of the loan in writing, rather than trying to circumvent the LAW by laying out terms over the phone and probably loan sharking innocent people. No more of my money will be spent on this. And all your whining is not going to change my mind.

Hannah

Now, at the moment, I haven't heard from Ed. But, I've learned from these last few months that there's no point declaring this one finished, just yet. Ed may yet rebound and come at me again, possibly he shall come bearing my trophy. You just don't know. Ed might scrap up enough dosh to go to the local photochopper and get himself a loan terms document. At this point, it's just too soon to tell.

Posted: Tue Apr 19, 2005 3:09 am

Now, y'all just guess who I heard from today. No. Really. He's even picked up a fourth exclamation point.

Quote:

Subject: It's Very Urgent!!!!

Hello Hannah,
How is you Today?It as been a difficult time like this,the firm refuse to put things together for us interms of loan.Please I want us to think very well about the whole issue of these transfer and I also want you see if you can reach the security company regarding the transfer because time is not our friend.like I told you In my previous mail that my law firm friends are willing to give out something which is $24000 us dollars with 5% interest on it and what is left for us to look for is just About $8000 us dollars so I'll want us to think about this if you raise anything of such amount but if you can't raise the entire $8000 please let me know about it and tell me what you can raise from that $8000 okay.Please say me well to your family and also to your husband.Bless you and stay cool.I await your urgent mail.
Yours Legal Officer,
Barrister Ed Harris.

And Marcel, like Mary's little lamb, is right behind.

Quote:

Dear Sister Hannah,
How is your family? Greeting to you and your family.I pray that GOD Will guard you all through your days okay.Amen.Well My lawyer told me all about what he as raised concerning the transfer and I want to say I appreciate your effort.Thanks To God And to you too.Please get back to me if andy progress with you and the security company.I await your immediate mail.
Bodgand.

So, same song... fourteenth or so verse. No matter. I can spout back the fourteenth verse of MY song, too.

Oh, Ed! Silly lad! These tricks of yours don't fool me. Sadly, I bet his badgering ways do have a lot of success with real victims.

Quote:

I've tried, over and over, to make myself very clear. I'm sorry you're in a tough spot. I'm sorry your client is in a tough spot. I'm sorry you can't get the arrangements made for the loan. I would love to help, really I would. But my family and our finances are my first responsibility. As such, I decided to cut my losses and stop before we lost any more money. I'm not paying, raising, or sending a single dollar.

I've said again and again, I'm not risking any more money on this transaction. Not $8000. Not part of $8000. You need to find someone else. I'm beginning to feel very unfairly pressured and browbeaten by you. I've said no repeatedly. Why can't you seem to understand that? I'm not going to be taking out a loan on my own with the bank. The interest would be much too high, and I can't risk us being stuck with a loan we can't afford to repay if something else goes wrong and this falls through.

I'm not willing to risk any more of my family's money when money is tight. If you can't arrange for the loan on my behalf, forget it. Please stop harassing me about this. If all you have to say is "Please send me the $8000 out of your own pocket" over and over, you can stop emailing. Your inability to get the loan company to act reasonably is not my fault. And I refuse to act like it is and be sorry for it and let you guilt me into sending money I can't afford to lose. If I hadn't already lost money on this, on top of the medical bills, I might think differently. But it isn't different. That's the way it is. I'm sorry if that leaves you in a tough spot, but my family comes first. Always.

Hannah

And Marcel...

Quote:

I'm sorry to say this, but I think Ed isn't telling you the whole story. I've made it clear to him that I can't afford to put in any of my own money, and if he could not arrange for the loan, then I was not able to go through with this. He keeps browbeating and harrassing me for the rest of the money, and refuses to accept that I cannot, in good conscience, risk that money when I am trying to pay medical bills on top of the lost travel money.

Hannah

We'll see if Ed or Marcel get creative enough to come at Hannah with another angle.

Master Baiter Joined: 18 Dec 2004 Posts: 106

very interesting indeed, lets hope he replies. these dumbos

Posted: Wed Apr 20, 2005 6:14 pm

What I'm really hoping is that he finally talks the "fake check" arm of the gang into taking the chance and sending me the "loan". I think they balked because it costs them quite a bit of money to send the check, and I refused to talk on the phone, so that made them skittish. I'd love to get them to waste the money sending me a fake check or some money orders.

Posted: Sun Aug 21, 2005 10:21 pm

You know, old Ed never has quite given up. In mid-May, he sent me this.

Quote:

Hello Hannah,

How is your day?Please I'll just have a rethink for my client health and state of conditions.please he needs your help.Please say me well to your family and also to your husband.Bless you and stay cool.I await your urgent mail.
Yours Legal Officer,
Barrister Ed Harris.

I gave him the standard stonewall and figured I would never hear from him again.

Quote:

I'm sorry about your client, but my position hasn't changed. I'm sure I've repeated it enough times that it should be clear to you. Hannah

Imagine my surprise when he comes crawling back on August 17 with this pathetic attempt.

Quote:

Dear Hannah,

It as been along time that I heard from you.How is life treating you? Hope you are fine?

Please I'm writing in respect of my client which is in serious problem at the moment.Please someone wanted to help him with little money but i dont know if you can help him out in making the claims.I was sent a mail this morning that I should look for someone that will help recieving the money from USA and I guess you are better position to help.Please kindly get back to me immediately if you have an account in bank of America or fell Wargo's bank in USA this will enable the person to send the money to him.The person he's sending the money based on the fact for him to buy drugs.Lady Hannah I hope you can do that for him immediately.I'm looking forward to your immediate mail today.God Bless.

Your's Legal Officer.

Barrister Ed Harris.

So, apparently, I've become British and landed gentry or something...

Quote:

> Dear Hannah,
>
> It as been along time that I heard from you.How is life treating you?
> Hope you are fine?

I'm great. Not that you care or that it's any of your business in the first
place...

>
> Please I'm writing in respect of my client which is in serious problem at
> the moment.

Considering he's been on death's doorstep since, supposedly, months and months
ago, I guess he is. Did he make some sort of miraculous temporary recovery?

>Please someone wanted to help him with little money but i dont
> know if you can help him out in making the claims.

My answer still remains what it was months ago. If you can arrange for a loan,
fine, I'll help. BUT I AM NOT SPENDING A SINGLE PENNY OF MY OWN MONEY ON THIS
THING WITHOUT A LOAN. Get a small child to explain this concept to you if
you're having difficulty with it. Which, you seem to be.

>I was sent a mail this
> morning that I should look for someone that will help recieving the >money
> from USA and I guess you are better position to help.

What makes you think I'm in a better position to help? And who sent you the
email? Your client? I'd love to hear from Marcel. I want to hear from him how
he managed to survive beyond the mere two months the doctors gave him about,
what, four or five months ago? Maybe more?

>Please kindly get
> back to me immediately if you have an account in bank of America or fell
> Wargo's bank in USA this will enable the person to send the money to
> him.

You want me to offer up my bank account for someone else's use? Explain how
this works. Who is this "person"? Is it the other person that was supposed to
be helping him with the transfer? If they were helping with the transfer, what
do they need MY account for?
>The person he's sending the money based on the fact for him to buy
> drugs.

What drugs? Drugs for what? I want names of the drugs and what they are
treating before I even consider it.

>Lady Hannah I hope you can do that for him immediately.I'm looking
> forward to your immediate mail today.God Bless.
>
> Your's Legal Officer.
>
> Barrister Ed Harris.
>
> --

Explain yourself first.

Hannah

I certainly give Ed good marks for keeping notes. And being persistent.

Guest

please keep him baited.
This could become an interesting sequel Smile

.

As always I have enjoyed your story and couldn't stop reading until I was done.