BMWs, Submarines. Sea Wifes and gerbilling

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Posted: Mon Apr 11, 2005 5:20 pm

Slapping time, perhaps? You specifically asked for the top speed in mph. Make him work for this sale! Make him Googlecalc the speed and probably the weight too, then check his answers and ask him to show his work. The right answer is only worth half credit if you can't see how he got it.

Posted: Mon Apr 11, 2005 5:37 pm

It's ALWAYS slapping time.
Spank that mugu-bottom

Posted: Mon Apr 11, 2005 6:28 pm

Quote:

Dear Mr Margarita

This Is no way to conduct business. You have not answered my questions as I asked. Please can you tell me

1) The Speed in MPH AS ASKED?

2) The Weight in imperial measures (pound and ounces)

I am not impressed with this metric fixation you seem to have got. I am British and proud to use imperial measurements not this newfangled European rubbish.

I should also like to know if

1) The external combustion gas-piston power plant Is the new "sea-horse drawn" Model?

2) Is it possible for you to paint this vessel Yellow at no extra cost?

3) Please can you give me the total cost including delivery to Switzerland were I will be vacationing this summer?

4) Has it got the latest "moon train" sun factor ten periscope?

5) Is the outer hull the latest Styrofoam metallic plastic alloy?

6) how many cup holders are installed at present?

I eagerly await your reply

Sir Ben

Posted: Tue Apr 12, 2005 2:05 am

unome wrote:

2)The screen door equiptment is quite new and has no dent on it.

5)the submarine operates with a power plant which has an External combustion gas-piston .

So, lemme get this straight - the sub you're looking to buy is A) Steam-powered, and B) has the latest screen doors?

Laughing

Ask him if it's coal/electric powered or wood /electric powered. Another option is ask how many BTU/Hour is needed to make it go 30 mph.

Smile

Z

Posted: Tue Apr 12, 2005 6:21 pm

We Get some more answers

Quote:

Dear Sir Benjamin,
Sorry for not answering your questions in the car that pleases you but if you look close you will see that we are still on thesame line.

The speed of the submarine in MPH(meters per hour) is 1000MPH, while the weight of the submarine is 2500 pounds.

The external combustion gas piston power plant came with the latest sea-horse drawn model and the periscope in it is the sunfactor ten periscope(moon train).

The sub can be painted to any colour of your choice at no cost.

The out is the latest Styrofoam metallic plastic alloy which was factory fitted

The cup holders installed at the moment is 23 and more can be insalled at your request.

To move the sub to Switzerland will cost about $5,000.

Please let us know when you like us to deliver the submarine to Switzerland to enable us arrage the crews.
Regards
Mr Grazzito Magritto.

And another email

Quote:

Sir, Also the metric fixattion can be altered to your own choice right away, if you preffer imperial measurements it will be done that way.
We will start the painting of the submarine to yellow as soon as you tell us to do so .
We will also start making all the necessary arrangement concerning the submarine and its crucial documents.

Please get back at us so that we can keep the ball rolling.
Regards.
Mr Grazzitto Magritto

And another one this time with some pictures Very Happy

Quote:

SIR,
HERE ARE THE PICTURES OF SOME THE OF THE VIEWING WINDOWS IN THE SUBMARINE WHICH ENABLES PERSON INSIDE THE SUBMARINE TO EXPLORE THE SEA BED.

Posted: Tue Apr 12, 2005 6:31 pm

Wow. 100 km/h is only 1000 meters per hour? And the sub has lost weight... last time you asked, it was 3496 pounds, and now it's dropped to 2500. Someone's been gutting your sub for parts! I suspect they're removing cupholders... I believe that model comes with 50 standard, but since he hasn't told you what model it is (what model IS it, anyway?), I can't say more than the 40 industry standard minimum.

Then again, he's dropped from the $500,000 range you requested to $5,000 total cost. You could make a tidy profit on the resale. Very Happy

Not quite a Newb Joined: 13 Sep 2004 Posts: 69

Love the submarine twist! The fact that your new sub weighs about as much as a car is particularly pleasing. Keep it up!

Posted: Tue Apr 12, 2005 6:43 pm

@Nidoking I like what you said about the missing cup holders Laughing

so I have done a bit of a cut and paste Wink

Quote:

Mr Margarita

MPH stands for Miles Per hour. Please can you give me the top speed in
miles per hour!

last time you told me the weight asked, it was 3496 pounds, and now it's dropped to 2500. Someone's been gutting the sub for parts! I suspect they're removing cup holders... I believe that model comes with 50 standard, but since you have not told me what model it is (what model IS it, anyway?), It must have the 40 industry standard minimum.

Is it ex military? If so is there still any torpedo's on board?

Thanks

Ben

Posted: Tue Apr 12, 2005 8:06 pm

And a nice quick Reply Very Happy

Quote:

Sir,
The the submarine can travel on the surface of water
on an top speed of 200mph.
It can travel under water at a top speed of 52.5 mph
at a maximum dept of 1 mile.
The cup holder in the submarine is still 50 and we
remove any thing from the submarine everything part of
it is still factory fitted ,the weight when water
intake takes is 3496m pounds, while when floating is
2500 pounds.You confir all these by your self when we
deliver the sub to you.
The sub is ex-militatry and there is torpedo in it
aswell. Twisted Evil

Mr Grazitto Magrito

That is one fecking fast sub Shocked

Posted: Tue Apr 12, 2005 8:27 pm

Then another reply

Quote:

The model of the submarine is SS1 W234 OCEAN PRIDE
which comes with 50 cup holders

Posted: Tue Apr 12, 2005 8:29 pm

I decide to reply (although It did not send first time so I added the poontang question and tryed again)

Quote:

Hi Grazitto

I think you are having some problems with you translation from English
to greekish.

When I asked for the model I meant the manufactures model eg QE2, or T1t4nic

You have sent me the ships international registration and the name.

Also I bet this Sub with its External combustion gas-piston must have
a hell of a poontang factor. Do you know what it is?

Thanks

Ben

Posted: Wed Apr 13, 2005 9:16 am

Quote:

Sir, sorry for the misinterpretation, the submarine is
a QE2 model, this is the manufacturers model.

you did mention poontang factor of the submarine,
the sub has a poontang factors of 19.8.

Mr Grazitto

Guest

poon tang overload! Are you sure that much is allowed by law? Im sure the EPA might have to step in on that one.

factory standard is 40 cupholders and yours will come with 50... Im sure theres more upgraded features like electronic overdrive, power windows and such. If I was paying that much, I'd get all the modalities straight. Shocked

Posted: Wed Apr 13, 2005 4:33 pm

This is so hilarious Laughing

The Lads have no idea what they are talking about. I just love the fact that there's still a torpedo in the sub, not to mention the sub's miraculous speed Laughing

You could ask them if they could find a nice aircraft carrier for you Laughing

Posted: Wed Apr 13, 2005 4:46 pm

I reply with some more questions Shocked

Quote:

Dear Mr Margarita

I have been speaking to a friend of mine who has give me some concerns as regards to purchasing a submarine.

He told me that there are medial risks involved with submarine use. For example Deep vain thrombosis, Cabin Fever, Impotency, Hay fever and Hairy scrotum syndrome.

How common are each of these conditions? Would you maybe recommend a ship as apposed to a submarine on health grounds?

Your concerned friend

Ben

Posted: Thu Apr 14, 2005 7:29 am

Quote:

Dear Sir Benjamin,
Your friend whom you spoke with might be right with
what he is saying but i think he is reffering to post
war submarine, the old days submarine.This is a new
generation and things has gotten sceintificaly and
technologicaly advanced.Today subamrine is now being
built to ensure safe health of the people in it, this
submarine was sceintifically designed and tested to
prevent any kind of health hazard.
You can as well use this submarine as a ship and also
as a submarine,because it can aswell float confortably
on the sea just like any ship, so its also equivalent
to a mordem ship.
So i think you have nothing to worry about because
what we are sellinmg to you is a modern subamrine and
not that used in the second world war.
The manufacturer will also guarente you your safest
health condition while in the submarine .
So be convident while purchasing this valualbe vessel
and we will assure you every safety you will need.
Please get back at us on how to deliver the submarine
to your vacation venue.
Regards.
Mr Grazitto.

Posted: Thu Apr 14, 2005 12:49 pm

Absolutely hilarious and top draw baiting. I read on the BBC website that any vehicle with a PTF over 18.5 is subject to excess poontang tax. You may want to clarify this before purchasing that awesome sounding submarine.

Posted: Thu Apr 14, 2005 1:20 pm

Hurry up and get it painted yellow.

Then ask him which yellow he painted it. Slap him for painting it the wrong colour yellow, and get him to paint it again.

Bound to waste loads of time having to repaint it, and of course it will cost him loads more money in new paint.

<wibble>

Posted: Thu Apr 14, 2005 3:41 pm

Thanks to all of you who gave me help with my purchase and I'm sorry to those I did not include there suggestions Its just I could not be bothered to type them all Laughing

Quote:

HI Groucho

OK I am really getting excited I just need to clarify the few last points and then I will be ready to order.

1) What is the maximum diving depth? I will require something that will go to a minimum of 4,000 meters. Is this sub capable?

2) Has It got stealth technology? How does it work?

3) Can you explain where the coning tower is ?

4) What make the flux capacitor is. (Eg De Lorean)

As Regards to the security systems

5) Is my new submarine is equipped with Quantum torpedo's. These are vital as the have a much higher yield than convectional Photon based ones.

6) What other weapons does it have as standard, i.e, Stellar converter, Mass driver, Mauler device? And will the crew have access to Tau Cannons?

7) Is the sub is impervious to light sabers?

Cool

what is atomic structure shielded for Sodium radiation and what is the decay rate of the Thorium matrix?

9) At Its rated speed of 1000 meters per hour, how long will it take to travel 10 kilometers? Please show the working out of the time V speed calculation

In regards to entertainment

10) What about the in-sub stereo?! What make is it? (panasonic etc etc)

11) Can you fit an aftermarket gas turine auxiliary power unit so I can watch DVD's while waiting for clear weather topside?

12) Also I plan to fit It a jacuzzi, bar, lounge area. sauna, lap pool and of coure a terrestrial cable connection. Is this something you can do I should I arrange this myself?

13) It got to have a horn that goes "Ping". On all good subs you have a Ping noise.

Also In regards to safety

14) does it have a valid seaworthiness certificate?

15) Do the brakes work?

16) Are the indicators,fog lamp,and Headlights all working?

17) Does it have a Titanic hook?

There are so many submarines these days that you really have to be careful underwater... Is it accident free ? Not too many scratches from parking ?
Could you get me a quotation for insurance from Lloyd's of London.

Thanks for all your help

Sir Ben

Posted: Fri Apr 15, 2005 11:09 am

What a reply Very Happy

Quote:

Dear Sir Benjamin,
Thank you for your questions and interest in this
exclusive submarine, we will try as much as we can to
clarify you .
1)The submarine can go as deep as 1 mile into the sea
depth.
2)Virtualy every moder day submarine needs an
effective and efficient stealth technology,which allow
the vessel go as fast as it can and still maintaining
its sonar.
3)The coning tower is located just before the main
hull of the five hulls. Shocked

4)The factory fitted flux capacitor of the submarine
is De Lorean, which is recommeded by the manufacturer.
5)The submarine has four 630mm quantum torpedo tubes
and two 533mm torpedo tubes Shocked

with a total of 22
anti-submarine missiles and torpedoes of varying
types. The torpedo room is in the upper part of the
bow between the hulls. The torpedo tubes can also be
used to deploy mines.This is the lastest technology in
submarine security.
6)The sub has a special built devise that makes it
impervious to light sabres
7)About the atomic shield is quite advanced and decay
rate of thorium matrix is matrix is high

Cool

I will work it out and get back at you, but am sure
that it will travel quite far in 10 kilometers

9)The in-sub sterio is made by Sony technology.

10)Yes we can fix your extra elecronic features for
you if you demand for them.
11)Since you will be using the seb for vacation cruze
we can arrange for jaccuzi and other relaxation
features to be fixed.

12)There a horn in the sub that very loud as it should
be .

13) Yes it has a valid seaworthiness certificate.

14)The brakes work perfectly.

15)the indicator,headlight and fog lamp are all
working .

16)There is a tiatanic hook in the sub.

17)We can get you a quatation from the insurance
company.
Other things about the submarine includes:

SYSTEM:The sonar is an active/passive search and
attack type with the sonar mounted on the hull under
the torpedo room. The submarine is fitted with I/J
band surface target detection radar.

Countermeaures include ESM (electronic support
measures), radar warning system and direction-finding
system.The submarine has both radio and satellite
communications systems. It is fitted with two floating
antenna buoys to receive radio signals, target
designation data and satellite navigation signals, at
depth and under ice cover.

PROPULSION
The submarine main machinery consists of two nuclear
water reactors and two turbogear assemblies comprising
steam turbine and gearbox. One reactor and one
turbogear assembly are fitted in each main hull. Each
nuclear water reactor produces 190MW. These drive two
50,000hp steam turbines and four 3,200kW
turbogenerators. Two 800kW diesel generators serve as
standby propulsion units and are coupled to the shaft
line. The two propellers are seven-blade, fixed-pitch
shrouded. The built-in thrusters on the bow and stern
are two telescopic turning screw rudders and are
powered by a 750kW motor.

DESIGN

The Typhoon class submarine is of multi-hulled design
� five inner hulls are situated inside a
superstructure of the two parallel main hulls. The
superstructure is coated with sound-absorbent tiles.
There are 19 compartments including a strengthened
module which houses the main control room and
electronic equipment compartment which is above the
main hulls behind the missile launch tubes.

The submarine's design includes features for
travelling under ice and ice-breaking. It has an
advanced stern fin with horizontal hydroplane fitted
after the screws. The nose horizontal hydroplanes are
in the bow section and are retractable into the hull.
The retractable systems include two periscopes (one
for the commander and one for general use), radio
sextant, radar, radio communications, navigation and
direction-finder masts. They are housed within the
sail guard. The sail and sail guard have a reinforced
rounded cover for ice-breaking.

Maximum diving depth is 400m. Speed is 12 knots when
surfaced and 25 knots when submerged. Typhoon is
capable of spending 120 days at sea.

MISSILES

The submarine carries 20 RSM-52 intercontinental,
three-stage solid propellant ballistic missiles. The
two rows of missile launch tubes are situated in front
of the sail between the main hulls. Each missile
consists of ten independently targetable multiple
re-entry vehicles (MIRV's), each with a 100kt nuclear
warhead. Guidance is inertial with stellar reference
updating. Range is 8,300km with accuracy (CEP) of
500m. The missile weighs 84,000kg at launch and was
designed by the Makayev Design Bureau. It has the NATO
designation of SS-N-20 Sturgeon.

WE VERY GLAD TO GIVE YOU ALL THESE INFORMATIONS,IF
THERE MORE THINGS THAT YOU WILL NEED TO KNOW, WE WILL
SEND IT TO YOU.
WE FORWARD TO FOR YOUR ORDER MESSAGE.
REGARDS

And then a followup

Quote:

Sir,
About the stealth technology, the submrine has also a
special built devices that shields it from any kind of
radar ditection, that is to say that it cannot be seen
by any radar waves if the feature is on.
The working of this feature is fully explained in the
manual of the sub.
Mr Grazitto

Posted: Fri Apr 15, 2005 12:16 pm

It comes with a manual? Can he send you a copy? Or at least scan the first few pages?

Posted: Fri Apr 15, 2005 10:29 pm

Great cut-and-paste description of the Typhoon Class sub there, guy. Too bad he's selling you a QE2.

Also, last I checked the tech specs, the De Lorean flux capacitor is incompatible with I/J band radars. And that's a major speed drop... now its top speed is 13.8 mph on the surface and 28.8 underwater. Used to be 200 above and 52.5 below. I suspect that the 50,000 hp turbines aren't enough to support a 19.8 poon tang factor. The maximum of the Lamaze Formula for those engines is closer to 16.2 ptf.

Posted: Fri Apr 15, 2005 11:28 pm

See what happens? I move house and stay off eater for a bit, only to find that when i return Unome gets more poon tang factor than he can handle. Still I am mightily impressed, little did I know that when I created the mighty PTF that a sub would have more than a blaze red X5. When you take ownership of the sub, ask Mike if he's got a couple of weapons of mass destruction lying around too Very Happy

Top work dude, keep it up Smile

_________________
Mercedes 600

Posted: Sat Apr 16, 2005 3:02 pm

Quote:

Hi Grazitto

Im pleased that you still have the manual. Please can you scan It and
email it to me.

Thanks

Sir Ben

Quote:

Dear Sir,
Please we do not have the manual at hand now,we have
to order for it from the manufactuere that built the
submarine, we intend to deliver it together with the
submarine when you make your order.I hope you do
understand.

Quote:

Sir,
We will like to know when you will be making your
order so that will reserve the submarine for you and
start preparing it for delivery against your vacation
period.
And also give us a list of all the extra features that
you will like us to fix for you in the submarine like
the jacuzzi, yellow paint etc , we need to estimate
the amount of work to be done before delivery.
Regards,
Mr Grazitto

Quote:

HI Grazitto

Please can you give me a price for the sub with the extras i have asked for.

Thanks

Sir Ben

Quote:

Dear Sir Benjamin,
The price of submarine is USD$480,000 ,and extras you
have asked from our estimation is $20,000.All to the
total of USD$500,000.Note this does not inlcude the
cost of painting the submarine as we have promised to
do that no cost.
Payment should be made to our Bank account, you have
to make a %40 upfront deposite to enable us prepare
the submarine for delivery and to be able to order for
its essential documents.
We will send you account details when you want to make
your payment.

We can also be able to help you arrange crews that
will help you drive the submarine.

Regards,
Mr Grazitto

Posted: Sat Apr 16, 2005 4:18 pm

this is cracking me up!

Quote:

Countermeaures include ESM (electronic support
measures),

Slap him and tell him this is NOT appropriate. You demand an ASEM (Awesome Seaworthinesss Electronic Machine) at a minimum as regulations in your country require it.

Smile

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