Kiss My Fanni...Kolama (complete)

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Posted: Thu Jan 20, 2005 11:29 pm

Yet another of my baits, this one with a lad of many, many names.

I get the usual approach from Fasi Mandisi. Or Mandisi Fasi. Depends on whether you read the From or the body of the letter. It's a typical approach.

Quote:

Mr.Fasi Mandisi
Republic of South Africa.

Dear friend,

I am contacting you for extended friendship and
partnership and hence to
share with you my business proposal. First, I am
requesting your
assistance to help front as co-owner and beneficiary
of funds
(US$20,000,000.00) due to (Rhemontha Construction,
LTD) for a contract
duly awarded and executed by the company.

I am currently a high-ranking government official in
the ruling cabinet
Of President Thabo Mbeki (South Africa); my name is
Mr. Mandisi Fasi. This funds emanated as a result of an
over-invoiced
contract, which my company executed with the
Government of South Africa
in year 2000. I am afraid that the government of South
Africa might
start to investigate on contracts awarded from 2000 to
date. If they
discover this money yet unclaimed with my name linked
to it, the
government will confiscate the money and this will
definitely affect my
political career in Government.

I want your assistance to front as a co-owner of my
company (Rhemontha
Construction, LTD) to facilitate the change ownership of
the
funds. As my fronted
company for and on behalf of my present department
executed the contract
you can be rest assured that the transaction shall be
100% risk free. As soon as the
funds are released
to your name and receipt is confirmed in your account,
I will arrange to
meet with you in your country. If you are interested
in assisting please
inform me urgently so that I can forward to you the
legal documentations
that will enable you apply for the claims on behalf of
(Rhemontha Construction, LTD.)
I am reposing huge trust on you regardless of your
being a total
stranger. Upon your reply, we shall discuss your
percentage for your
assistance, and then I will also give you more details
of myself when we
proceed further and your assistance is fully
guaranteed.Please send your reply to my secure email:
[email protected]

Thank you.

Mandisi Fasi.

Hannah Jones gamely responds.

Quote:

Okayyyy. What do I do?

Schizophrenically, the lad replies.

Quote:

Good day to you Hannah,

I am very happy to hear from you and the contents of your mail
are well noted. May I also bring to your notice that for us to
achieve this transaction, trust and confidentiality must be
involved.
As I made you to understand in my first mail, this fund came out
of an over invoiced contract. Since I am still in the cabinet, i
will not handle this transaction directly with the deposit
company, as a government official.

For this transaction to be finalized, all i need is to
furnish you with the deposit information such as, PIN CODE,
DEPOSIT SECURITY NUMBER etc. It was deposited in classified
securty/finance company in Europe, with an open
beneficiary and with the quoting of the correct pin code and
other deposit informations in the letter of claim, which will be
sent to the deposit company. As soon as they make there
verification and found all in place, they will go on and pay you
in full the deposit sum.

Note that all the needed information will be given to you for
making the claim and also the necessary documents which will
prove to any country, organization or banking community that may
want to know how you made the money. The documents will show
that the money is clean and clear from ill-gotten money, money
laundering, drug money or terrorism. It is 100% risk free,it
may require you to travel out of your country.

Be advised that all correspondence will be via email for now as
we may be bugged while talking on phone. Do not hesitate to ask
questions, as it will make you to understand more about this
transaction.

Your urgent response is highly awaited ASAP.

Your faithfully,
Fanni.

And I nearly bust a gut laughing over the "Fanni". This would be even funnier to you people if you had known the little old lady I knew, named "Fanny". In addition, his "From" now has his name as Kunta Kolama! That's a multitude of names in two emails! It's not helping that I keep picturing "my" Fanny in a net cafe in Lagos.... Anyway, Hannah decides to pounce on the name change.

Quote:

Look, who are you? Your initial email calls you Mandisi Fasi. Your name on
this email appears to be Kunta Kolama, and yet you sign off "Fanni"! Are you
schizo or what? Explain yourself. In two emails, you've already used enough
different names to make my head spin. Why so many names?

Hannah

Fanni feeds me some bull. (What else is new?)

Quote:

Dear Hannah,
In my ountry we bear as much as six names.
Names given by parents,
names given by grand parents,
names given by a very close family friend.
Please do not be upset by the names.
However whats the situation in respite to our transaction.
Fanni.

Yuh-huh. Even in the deep south, we don't have THAT many nicknames.

Hannah decides to be brusque.

Quote:

Well, okay, Fanni, if you're going to send me the information to claim the
money, send me the information. Don't go wasting time reeling off every name
you have and why the postman's second cousin's butcher gave it to you. And
stick to one name from now on. Otherwise, it's like trying to address a
busload of people.

Hannah

Fanni is compliant. He probably doesn't know what to make of me at this point.

Quote:

Dear Hannah,
Thanks for your mail and i want to let you know if all things
are in place it will take a minimum of 48hrs for this transfer
to be completed.
How ever you have to send me your full names
telephone and fax numbers.
These requiremnets are needed to start the process of transfer
and to facilate easier communication.
The moment you send these I will then notify the firm about
this transaction.
Thanks,
fanni.

I give him a very to-the-point answer.

Quote:

Hannah Jones voice/fax messages to 206-666-3170.

And Uniglobe Security charges into the fray! Fanni introduces me to his security company.

Quote:

Dear Hannah,
sorry for not getting back to you soon I was busy writing and
sending faxes to the company to formally start the process of
transfer of the money.
I have therefore submitted your name and contact information
to the company. below is the contact info.
Please send a letter of introduction to them as the beficiary of
the funds as i have sent a letter power of Attorney to them for
transfer of the funds to your account.
hence you supply the company with your banking information.

UNIGLOBE SECURITY & FINANCE CO.,S.A

PAYMENT & VERIFICATION DEPARTMENT,

34 PL.CASTILLANA,MADRID -SPAIN

TEL.0034 616121829

FAX.0034 616051470

EMAIL: [email protected]

PAYMENT COORDINATOR... DR.RICHARD SMITH

So you can send a mail or fax to them or call.
when you make contact please let me know the details.
Thanks.
Fanni.

And I even get a personal email from "Payment Coordernator" Dr. Richard Smith. Wherein he proves to have a lad's way with words and the inherent inability to recognize "Hannah" as a female name. Seriously, what do you have to do with lads? Send them a picture of your tits?

Quote:

UNIGLOBE SECURITY & FINANCE S.A
PAYMENT & VERIFICATION DEPT.,
34 PASEA CASTILLANA,MADRID - SPAIN
TEL. 0034 616121829
FAX. 0034 616051470
EMAIL: [email protected]

ATTN:HANNAH JONES,

Dear Sir,

RE: TRANSFER NOTIFICATION OF USD$ 20,000,000.00( TWENTY MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLAR)

Following an excellent business report on total dedication to duty, we wish to inform you that we have in our possession ,instruments of payments for the above mentioned sum .However, Arrangement is on top gear regards the liquidation of your funds. To proceed with the remittance do reconfirm to this office with immediate effect, the preferable method of payment and revert back to this office as a matter of urgency.

1. SWIFT WIRE TRANSFER.

11. KEY TESTED TELEX TRANSFER.

111. INT�L CERTFIED BANK DRAFT

On the above instruction we solicited your co-operation to provide us with your full name and address as the beneficiary and payment form will be sent to you upon receipt of your respond. Finally, the moment we receive this information and all exercise are concluded, we shall proceed immediately as regards final vetting and payment.

Regards,

Dr.Richard Smith,

Payment Coordernator.

So the bait is well in motion at this point. More later, when I have a bit more time.

Posted: Fri Jan 21, 2005 3:42 am

Hannah decides to get stroppy with Fanni for tellng her to waste all that time trying to reach Uniglobe, when Uniglobe contacted her first! I mean, hmmph! What is the world coming to when the security company contacts you before you're done totally ignoring them?

Quote:

Look, what exactly is going on? Why did you tell me I had to contact them? They contacted me. I would have wasted a lot of time trying to get hold of them when they were already going to contact me.

Hannah

She also decides to set the security company straight on her gender, and to ask a few questions. Can't make finance decisions with no information, now, can she?

Quote:

------ Original Message ------
Received: Tue, 19 Oct 2004 03:40:34 PM EDT
From: "UNIGLOBE SECURITY COMPANY SA" <[email protected]>
To: [email protected]
Subject: RE: TRANSFER NOTIFICATION OF USD$ 20,000,000.00( TWENTY MILLION
UNITED STATES DOLLAR)

>
> UNIGLOBE SECURITY & FINANCE S.A
> PAYMENT & VERIFICATION DEPT.,
> 34 PASEA CASTILLANA,MADRID - SPAIN
> TEL. 0034 616121829
> FAX. 0034 616051470
> EMAIL: [email protected]
> ATTN:HANNAH JONES,
>
> Dear Sir,
>

I'm not a sir! I am a woman, thank you very much!

> RE: TRANSFER NOTIFICATION OF USD$ 20,000,000.00( TWENTY MILLION UNITED
STATES DOLLAR)
>
> Following an excellent business report on total dedication to duty, we wish
to inform you that we have in our possession ,instruments of payments for the
above mentioned sum .However, Arrangement is on top gear regards the
liquidation of your funds. To proceed with the remittance do reconfirm to this
office with immediate effect, the preferable method of payment and revert back
to this office as a matter of urgency.
>
> 1. SWIFT WIRE TRANSFER.
> 11. KEY TESTED TELEX TRANSFER.
> 111. INT�L CERTFIED BANK DRAFT
>
> On the above instruction we solicited your co-operation to provide us with
your full name and address as the beneficiary and payment form will be sent to
you upon receipt of your respond. Finally, the moment we receive this
information and all exercise are concluded, we shall proceed immediately as
regards final vetting and payment.
>
>
> Regards,
>
> Dr.Richard Smith,
> Payment Coordernator.
>

Well, Mr.Coordernator, before I choose,I need some help. Could you please
explain to me what each of the above transfer methods are, exactly, and what
the benefits and drawbacks of each are? I can't possibly make a decision
without being well informed.

Thank you,
Hannah

Oh, dear, Fanni takes Hannah to task for being "aggressive". I can just about hear him cowering from here.

Quote:

Dear Hannah,
i told you that i have submitted your name already,and why are
you always agressive i dont think i like that attitude.
so we have to go ahead and finish this transction as soon as
possible.
fanni.

Hannah throws Fanni's own haste back at him.

Quote:

I'm aggressive? You're the one who goes and contacts me out of the blue, tells
me to waste time doing something that turns out to be completely unnecessary,
since you had already taken care of contacting the company. And you're the one
who keeps saying this transfer needs to be taken care of as soon as possible.
You're the one who keeps being pushy.

Hannah

Dearie me! I get a groveling lad apology. The best kind. He apologizes to me for being pushy, now.

Quote:

DearHannah,
Sorry if am being pushy ,just that the circumstances demand
an urgency .hopefully we meet soon and toast with a bottle
of champange.
Thanks for your co-operation.

Fanni.

Dr. Richard Smith comes through with some mostly incomprehensible responses to my questions, and a note that I can call him for "clearification". Yeah. I'll do that. Not.

Quote:

UNIGLOBE SECURITY & FINANCE S.A
PAYMENT & VERIFICATION DEPT.,
34 PASEA CASTILLANA,MADRID - SPAIN
TEL. 0034 616121829
FAX. 0034 616051470
EMAIL: [email protected]

ATTN:HANNAH JONES,

RE: TRANSFER NOTIFICATION OF USD$ 20,000,000.00( TWENTY MILLION UNITED
STATES DOLLAR)

We received your mail.In respond,we wish to clearify the following:

1. SWIFT WIRE TRANSFER. : Upon the received of your complete banking details,your banking information will be presented to our corresponding bank for immediate credit of the above stated sum into your nominated bank account subject to confirmation within 48 banking hours.

11. KEY TESTED TELEX TRANSFER. : This method of payment is a direct wire transfer through K.T.T.

subject to confirmation within 48 hours.

111. INT�L CERTFIED BANK DRAFT : This method required your mailing address,A draft will be raise in your favour in the above stated sum.You might be required to be physically present at the bank in Madrid Spain to sign some official fund release documents.A non residential account will be set up in your name where the draft will be lodge into for further credit into your nominated bank account.

regards,

Dr.Richard Smith.

Note: Call me for better clearification.

Hannah takes door number 3, Monty, and she hands over a Farscape-themed mailing address, just for the heck of it.

Quote:

I'll take number III. My mailing address is P.O. Box 419 Leviathan, WA 98101

I play hard to get with Fanni, until he comes begging.

Quote:

Dear hannah,
i have not heard from you for some time ,could you pls rief me
on the goings on.
Fanni.

Since the security company seems to have gone to sleep, Hannah gives them another address from the Uncharted Territories.

Quote:

I'll take number three. My address is 105 Pilot Way Moyan Washington 98102

And she updates Fanni.

Quote:

I've contacted them twice and told them what my mailing address is. No
response, so I've just given them my residential address and my preferred
method of transfer, in the hopes that will light a fire under them.

Hannah

Posted: Fri Jan 21, 2005 10:03 pm

Fanni, of course, wants me to call them and hurry them up. Hannah want to start calling him "Kunta Kente" every time she sees the name "Kunta Kolama", but that's neither here nor there.

Quote:

Dear Hannah,
Okey lets wait and see their next step ,but i think its better
to call them and ask whats the problem.

I don't know what Dr. Smith wants to do to me, exactly, but apparently, you do it with a telephone number, and it's important enough to require the CAPSLOCK OF RAGE! I love the lad's degenerative typing as baits go on.

Quote:

WHERE ARE YOU AT THE MOMENT.GIVE ME THE TEL. NO TO RECAH YOU.

RICHARD SMITH

Fanni starts to sound like a squadron leader or something.

Quote:

Dear Hannah,
I have been witing to hear from you I dont even know whats going
on,could you please explain to me the situation on ground.
Fanni.

Hannah replies with her phone number. Naught else, so no point posting it.

But she complains to dear Fanni about it.

Quote:

The security company sent an email asking for a phone number. I gave it to
them. I don't know why they couldn't tell me what they wanted to in the
email.

Hannah

*pout* Don't they know I'm a very visual person?

Fanni really seems genuinely annoyed by the security company taking so long.

Quote:

Dear Hannah,
Hae they called then,if not you should ask them what is the
delay in the transaction.i didnt expect much foot dragging from
them.However keep me posted.
Thanks,
Fanni.

Fanni apparently has the weak nerves. I ignore him while waiting to hear from the security company. After not being able to take the suspense any longer, he emails this.

Quote:

Dear Hannah,
Am so devastated and almost at the brink of nervous break down.
could you tell me what is holding this transaction because am
contemplating to terminate this deal.
waiting to hear from you.

If they did call, I really couldn't understand them. I did have some mugu-esque mumbledybuns call me around that time, so it might have been them. I can't say. So I really am being truthful when I write:

Quote:

The security company asked for my phone number, but they don't seem to have
bothered calling. Unless the unintelligible message on my answering machine
was them. It sounded like they said something about "Madrid", but the
connection was so bad, I'm not sure.

Hannah

Fanni gets a tad bossy and activist!

Quote:

Dear Hannah,
I remember saying you should give a call so that issues can be
clearified once and forall.
On the other hand send a complaint letter to the firm.
Fanni.

Write them complaint letters! You tell 'em!

Hannah replies that she's had no luck contacting them. She doesn't mention she hasn't tried.

Quote:

The security company has certainly been very disappointing. I can't seem to
get hold of them. They seem to be avoiding me. If they're calling me, they're
calling at very odd hours and the connection is very bad. I haven't had an
intelligible message from them, yet, if that's them leaving the very staticy
voicemails.

Hannah

Oh, jeepers. Mr. Richard tattles on me.

Quote:

Dear Hannah,
I wrote mr Richard and he replied that he hs called you twice
that its answering machine tht received the call.
Please try to find a common ground or give him the exact time
that you will e availale.
Thanks,
Fanni.

I find a creative excuse as to why I can't give a specific time.

Quote:

I have no idea when I will be available, as I work in the emergency room at
our local hospital and I am on call at all hours.

Hannah

Fanni gives me some more runaround. Seems someone's gone on "sick live". Wonder if it's because he got a tongue-lashing from the boss?

Quote:

Dear Hannah,
I made a compliant to the company and i was told that the man
in charge is on sick live so the case has been assigned to
mr.carlos Rodman

UNIGLOBE SECURITY & FINANCE S.A
PAYMENT & VERIFICATION DEPT.,
34 PASEA CASTILLANA,MADRID - SPAIN
operations manger for oversea payment.
Mr. Carlos Rodman
Tel: +34 675161841
Fax:+34 657493448

Thanks for your coperation.

Sure, I will coperate completely. Once I find out what that is.
This new character enters the fray, and plays it safe on the Sir/Madam front. Which makes him look like a complete numpty, frankly.

Quote:

UNIGLOBE SECURITY & FINANCE S.A
PAYMENT & VERIFICATION DEPT.,
34 PASEA CASTILLANA,MADRID - SPAIN
Tel: +34 675161841
Fax:+34 657493448

To: Hannah Jones

Sir/Madam,

We refer to consignment lodged on our security vault under the name of Rhemontha
Construction, LTD; South South Africa. The signatory to the consignment is Mr.
Mandisi fanni kolama, instruction just reached our office to open communication
with you for the claim of the consignment.

We advice that you communicate with this office with full proof of identity as
the acclaimed beneficiary to the consignment and make urgent arrangement to
appear before our clearing house to claim what lawfully belong to you.

Do as a matter of urgency call me on the above phone number to officially
declare your intention to claim your consignment as instructed.

Sincerely,

Mr. Carlos Rodman
Officer incharge

Carlos is "incharge". I shall sleep well tonight, then.

Hannah asks a very good question.

Quote:

What sort of identification do I need to send?

Thanks,
Hannah

And keeps Fanni updated. Don't want him breaking down. Breaking him down is my job.

Quote:

The new Uniglobe employee has been in touch with me and I have replied to his
questions.

Hannah

I get another official correspondence.

Quote:

UNIGLOBE SECURITY & FINANCE S.A
PAYMENT & VERIFICATION DEPT.,
34 PASEA CASTILLANA,
MADRID - SPAIN
Tel: +34 675161841
Fax:+34 657493448

To: Hannah Jones

Sir/Madam,

We shall require you to provide us with the below information:

1. Photo copy of international passport or drivers licence
2. contact phone and fax number preferably a cell phone number

Upon receipt, we shall commence on the verification process after which we
require you to come directly to our clearing house for the collection of your
consignment and endorse our RELEASE ORDER FORM.

We await your call and hope to render you the best of our service.

Sincerely,

Mr. Carlos Rodman
Officer incharge

She also replies to the security company, and includes her ID. (Really a totally useless corrupted jpg. That is 335 K. And excludes me from entering this in the text-only competition. Darn!)
Fanni is a man of few words.

Quote:

Dear Hannah,
Thank you very much lets hope this time things are in favourable
perspective.

Quote:

------ Original Message ------
Received: Fri, 03 Dec 2004 06:01:30 AM EST
From: "Uniglobe Security Finance S. A." <[email protected]>
To: [email protected]
Subject: Consignment Lodgment

> UNIGLOBE SECURITY & FINANCE S.A
> PAYMENT & VERIFICATION DEPT.,
> 34 PASEA CASTILLANA,
> MADRID - SPAIN
> Tel: +34 675161841
> Fax:+34 657493448
>
> To: Hannah Jones
>
> Sir/Madam,
>
> We shall require you to provide us with the below information:
>
> 1. Photo copy of international passport or drivers licence
> 2. contact phone and fax number preferably a cell phone number

I'm afraid I don't have a cell phone, but I can be called or faxed at
206-666-3170.

I hope the scan of my driver's license is sufficient. It's attached to this
email.

>
> Upon receipt, we shall commence on the verification process after which we
require you to come directly to our clearing house for the collection of your
consignment and endorse our RELEASE ORDER FORM.
>
> We await your call and hope to render you the best of our service.
>
> Sincerely,
>
> Mr. Carlos Rodman
> Officer incharge
>
> --
> ___________________________________________________________
> Sign-up for Ads Free at Mail.com
> http://promo.mail.com/adsfreejump.htm
>
>

Thanks,
Hannah

Again, she keeps Fanni well in the loop.

Quote:

I've sent off my phone number and my id to the Uniglobe person.

Hannah

Posted: Fri Jan 21, 2005 10:34 pm

Fanni's hope springs eternal.

Quote:

Dear Hannah,
Thank you very much ,the next step now will be signing of
agreement of partnership which my lawyer will send to you.
I hope we complete this whole transaction before the christmas
break starts.

After determinedly ignoring him some more, he wants me to "clearify" the grey areas.

Quote:

Dear hannah,
how is transaction going ,hope fine,i believe we can achieve
this before the end of the month.
The company wrote that they try to get to you phone but it
seems like its on full time answering machine since they cant
get you on phone why dont you call them to clearify any grey
areas they have to clear with you.

Hannah gamely gives it another go. Not.

Quote:

I tried calling this morning and I got either a busy signal or a "number not
available" message each time. I'll try again later, but are they sure they're
calling the right number? I haven't had any messages on my number for some
time, and it usually records even hangups.

Hannah

Fanni apparently doesn't clean out his mailbox often, because my message gets bounced. Full mailbox. I wait a day, then send it again.

Fanni goes all pouty. You can practically hear his lip scraping the ground.

Quote:

Since they complained ,they cant get you call them.I have told
you this repeatedly.

Boo feckin hoo. Fanni then tries to light a fire under me. Fees and transactions and demurrages, oh my!

Quote:

Dear Hannah,
Your not contacting the firm is a problem ,because the company
will charge dumurrage for this consgiment as it was meant to
last until this year end.please you better speed up things
so we dont end up withxtra charges on our hand.

Hannah writes this next letter to Fanni and Uniglobe, like a real, frustrated victim would.

Quote:

And I've told you repeatedly that I have called the number they gave me, and
they never answer. I get a busy signal, and no one answers the phone. I can't
very well contact them when they won't answer, now can I? Is there some other
number I can try? I'm calling 34 675161841. I even sent them the copy of my
ID, as requested. I gave them my phone number as well. I have yet to receive a
phone call or message from them, and they have not acknowledged receiving my
email with my ID scan attached.

Please, Uniglobe, at least acknowledge that I HAVE contacted you and provided
my identification. I'm beginning to think you just want to hold onto the
consignment for longer to get a bigger fee.

Hannah

Fanni buys it, evidently.

Quote:

Dear Hannah,
Am going to forward your mail to them with strong words of
complaint.

I get a reply from Uniglobe.

Quote:

UNIGLOBE SECURITY & FINANCE S.A
PAYMENT & VERIFICATION DEPT.,
34 PASEA CASTILLANA,
MADRID - SPAIN
Tel: +34 675161841
Fax:+34 657493448

To: Hannah Jones

Sir/Madam,

Mrs. Hannah, you are not being sincere in your approach, we wrote you some weeks
ago that we are unable to open your scan ID, we suggested that you sent it via
our office fax number. We said since you will be coming to our clearing house to
claim your consignment in person, we then require you to provide us with your
flight schedule and the exact date of your departure in order for us to prepare
your consignment for collection. We are still waiting for your details.

Mrs. Hannah, it's beyond our imagination to believe that a holder of such
consignment with it content could abandon such valuables to rot away. Our
management are beginning to raise an eye brow as to weather you are actually the
rightful owner or maybe you do not remember the content of the consignment. We
have deliver before today consignment of lesser value to some of our customer,
we could remember that they were trooping office demanding for immediate release
and delivery of their goods. We shall find a way contact the depositor of the
consignment to inform him of your attitude towards claiming the valuables.

Our official phone and fax number is always on, we receive calls virtually every
minute, we have never had people having problem reaching us. If you are truly
serious to claim your valuables, we advice that you communicate with us and let
us know your flight schedule, provide us also with a copy of your international
passport for identification.

Awaiting a swift reply

Sincerely,

Mr. Carlos Rodman
Officer-in-charge

We

I love how they say Sir/Madam, then call me Mrs. Hannah! They're also patently full of it. They didn't let me know they couldn' t open the ID. I think he's delusional. Oh, my! They're beginning to raise an eye brow! Considering their speed so far, it ought to take them less than a month. Carlos also seems to have developed a case of premature email termination, considering that dangling "We".

Fanni even forwards it to me again, with just this line in front of it.

Quote:

This is the mail sent to me by the company

Well, yay for you, Fanni. Since I have just basically been called a liar by a lad, I unleash on him with my rignteous indignation of doom.

Quote:

------ Original Message ------
Received: Fri, 17 Dec 2004 06:36:04 AM EST
From: "Uniglobe Security Finance S. A." <[email protected]>
To: [email protected]
Subject: Consignment claim

> UNIGLOBE SECURITY & FINANCE S.A
> PAYMENT & VERIFICATION DEPT.,
> 34 PASEA CASTILLANA,
> MADRID - SPAIN
> Tel: +34 675161841
> Fax:+34 657493448
>
> To: Hannah Jones
>
> Sir/Madam,
>
> Mrs. Hannah, you are not being sincere in your approach, we wrote you >some
weeks ago that we are unable to open your scan ID,

You did no such thing. This is the last email, in full, that I have had from
your company:

"UNIGLOBE SECURITY & FINANCE S.A
PAYMENT & VERIFICATION DEPT.,
34 PASEA CASTILLANA,
MADRID - SPAIN
Tel: +34 675161841
Fax:+34 657493448

To: Hannah Jones

Sir/Madam,

We shall require you to provide us with the below information:

1. Photo copy of international passport or drivers licence
2. contact phone and fax number preferably a cell phone number

Upon receipt, we shall commence on the verification process after which we
require you to come directly to our clearing house for the collection of your
consignment and endorse our RELEASE ORDER FORM.

We await your call and hope to render you the best of our service.

Sincerely,

Mr. Carlos Rodman
Officer incharge
"

You have not contacted me with any information since then. You certainly did
not tell me that you could not open my ID, and you did not instruct me to send
it to a fax number. If you had, don't you think I would have tried resending
it? I can't very well resend it when you don't bother to tell me you can't
open it. I don't have access to a fax machine. Attached is another scan of my
driver's license. Please do actually let me know if you have trouble opening
it, this time, instead of leaving me to psychically deduce whether or not you
can open it.

>we suggested that you sent it via our office fax number. We said since >you
will be coming to our clearing house to claim your consignment in >person, we
then require you to provide us with your flight schedule and >the exact date
of your departure in order for us to prepare your >consignment for collection.
We are still waiting for your details.

I haven't made flight arrangements because I was still waiting for you to tell
me whether or not the scan of my ID was sufficient. Since you never bothered
to respond to my email, or my question, I did not make travel plans yet. Am I
to assume you now want me to make those plans? I am not a mind reader, sir.
You don't even bother to tell me where your clearing house is located. How am
I supposed to make travel arrangements when you don't tell me where I am to
travel?

>
> Mrs. Hannah, it's beyond our imagination to believe that a holder of >such
consignment with it content could abandon such valuables to rot >away. Our
management are beginning to raise an eye brow as to weather >you are actually
the rightful owner or maybe you do not remember the >content of the
consignment. We have deliver before today consignment of >lesser value to some
of our customer, we could remember that they were >trooping office demanding
for immediate release and delivery of their >goods. We shall find a way
contact the depositor of the consignment to >inform him of your attitude
towards claiming the valuables.
>
> Our official phone and fax number is always on, we receive calls >virtually
every minute, we have never had people having problem reaching >us. If you are
truly serious to claim your valuables, we advice that you >communicate with us
and let us know your flight schedule, provide us >also with a copy of your
international passport for identification.
>
> Awaiting a swift reply
>
> Sincerely,
>
> Mr. Carlos Rodman
> Officer-in-charge
>
>

Am I to be there on a certain day? Will you be closed during the holidays? For
goodness sake, Mr. Rodman, you seem to think I am supposed to be able to tell
what you want and when you want it done without you telling me anything. I
have called repeatedly, and I never get an answer. You never answered my
email. The LAST thing you asked me for was my phone number and my passport OR
my driver's license. As I didn't have a passport at that time, I provided my
license. You didn't bother to tell me you couldn't view it. Nor did you tell
me you were ready for me to travel to you. Frankly, I'm beginning to think YOU
aren't serious. May I also point out that you haven't even worried yourself
with finding out my GENDER at this point? You haven't even bothered to ask if
I should be addressed as Sir or Madam. By the way, it's Madam. I am trying to
cooperate Mr. Rodman, but I cannot do that if you don't let me know what I am
to do. Was I supposed to, of my own accord, just fly to Spain and find my own
way to the office without any confirmation that you would be there? I don't
speak Spanish and I've never traveled out of the country before. I need a bit
of guidance.

Hannah Lanham

This time, I attach this beauty.

I then send a copy of my righteous indignation to Fanni, too. I don't send him the license.

Fanni begs me for the scan, thinking he's special and the computer fairies will make it open for him.

Quote:

Dear Hannah,
I think you should send me the scan so that i will fax it to
them. and ask for immediate action to execute the transfer
process so that we can beat the chritmas holiday.

Uniglobe forwards my own letter to me and asks if I can open the attachment. Of course I can!

They follow up with a new letter.

Quote:

UNIGLOBE SECURITY & FINANCE S.A
PAYMENT & VERIFICATION DEPT.,
34 PASEA CASTILLANA,
MADRID - SPAIN
Tel: +34 675161841
Fax: +34 657493448

To: Hannah Jones

Madam,

Many thanks for your mail. We reforward the copy of your scan ID, we could not
open it fully, the ID open half way. We advice you send it vide our office fax
number for clearer view beside since you are coming to claim your consignment in
person, it's advisable to fax your international passport for verification of
your person upon arrival.

We have our official way of addressing our numerous customer's, we know your
gender from your name, it's no error address you as such. However, our office
address is stated at the top of our mail, if you have not noticed it before now,
find our contact address as below:

UNIGLOBE SECURITY & FINANCE S.A
PAYMENT & VERIFICATION DEPT.,
34 PASEA CASTILLANA,
MADRID - SPAIN
Tel: +34 675161841
Fax: +34 657493448

Do let us know your flight schedule and date of your departure and arrival so we
can prepare your consignment for claim. Do not worry about your arrival, we
shall send our officials to welcome and convey you to our clearing house, we
shall ensure your 100% security safety. Meanwhile, as soon as we receive your
international passport as vide fax, we shall forward to you our official
acceptance form which we will require you to present to us on arrival to our
clearing house.

Mr. Carlos Rodman
Officer-in-charge

Riiiiight. Hannah decides to pick nits.

I send this to Fanni.

Quote:

Attached is a second scan of my ID. I got a friend of mine, who is very good
with computers, to help me scan it at a high resolution so it will be good
quality. He even tested it before he left and said you should have no problems
viewing it. It's a bit larger than your average scan, but that's the price you
pay for quality.

The security company is now asking that I send something "vide fax" and I have
no idea what that is. I know about "fax", but don't know what "vide fax" is.
Even my friend had never heard of it.

Hannah

Attached? A larger version of this.

I also get around to responding to Uniglobe.

Quote:

I click on the link, I see my license. Maybe there's something wrong with your
browser?

Hannah

Posted: Sat Jan 22, 2005 4:10 am

Heading into the final stretch now.

Hannah decides to go for the "Okay, I'm going to travel when you don't want me to" modality, now. Nothing seems to upset a lad more than a victim that goes and travels before they can get you to wire the money.

She grabs herself some flight info and mails the security company. They were in a hurry, right?

Quote:

>We advice you send it vide our office fax number for clearer view beside
>since you are coming to claim your consignment in person, it's advisable >to
fax your international passport for verification of your person upon >arrival.

I'm afraid I'm going to pick it up this evening, and it's not with me right
now. And I leave for Madrid in the morning. The only way I could make the trip
before Christmas was to take the following flight.

American Airlines
Flight 2088 / Flight 7614 operated by IBERIA 7:57am
Seattle/Tacoma, WA (SEA)

7:45am - Wed, Dec 22
Next day arrival
Madrid, Spain (MAD) 14hrs 48min - 1 Stop

Change planes in Chicago, IL (ORD)

>
> We have our official way of addressing our numerous customer's, we know
>your gender from your name, it's no error address you as such.

Then please stop addressing me as Sir. It's very insulting. How would you like
it if I kept calling you "Miss"?

>However, our office address is stated at the top of our mail, if you >have
not noticed it before now, find our contact address as below:
>
> UNIGLOBE SECURITY & FINANCE S.A
> PAYMENT & VERIFICATION DEPT.,
> 34 PASEA CASTILLANA,
> MADRID - SPAIN
> Tel: +34 675161841
> Fax: +34 657493448

Yes, I've noticed your main address. However, many businesses have multiple
offices scattered throughout the same city. Why not simply say that my claim
would take place at your main office? You kept saying "the claim office" as
though it were a different location.

>
> Do let us know your flight schedule and date of your departure and >arrival
so we can prepare your consignment for claim. Do not worry about >your
arrival, we shall send our officials to welcome and convey you to >our
clearing house, we shall ensure your 100% security safety.

The information is above. Please do have everything ready, so I can return
home in time for Christmas.

>Meanwhile, as soon as we receive your international passport as vide >fax, we
shall forward to you our official acceptance form which we will >require you
to present to us on arrival to our clearing house.

I could fax it from the airport maybe, from one of the business centers or
something, but you say "vide fax". Is that something different from a regular
fax machine? What is a "vide fax"? Would they have one in the business center?
I have a friend who is quite the technical whiz, and he said he had never
heard of a vide fax. I couldn't find anything on it on the internet, either.
Of course, I will have my passport and identification with me when I arrive,
and the owner of the consignment has graciously offered to fax you the ID for
me. I sent him the scan just a few minutes ago. I hope my flight doesn't get
delayed because of weather. It's been quite cold and snowy lately. I should be
seeing you in Madrid, soon.

Hannah
>
> Mr. Carlos Rodman
> Officer-in-charge
>
> --

Fanni patiently translates the security company speak for Hannah. Isn't he sweet?

Quote:

Dear Hannah,
I couldnt see the whole scan just one quarter i could see.
Any way i believe what they mean should be via fax.

Oh, dear. Old Carlos gets all huffy.Apparently I'm not "chanlant" enough. You can practically hear the "harrumph" from here. Poor thing. I've embarrassed him.

Quote:

UNIGLOBE SECURITY & FINANCE S.A
PAYMENT & VERIFICATION DEPT.,
34 PASEA CASTILLANA,
MADRID - SPAIN
Tel: +34 675161841
Fax: +34 657493448

To: Hannah Jones

Madam,

Mrs. Hannah or whatever you called yourself, you should be very careful the way
you use words on me regardless of you being our customer. Try and learn manners
of approach, I am an officer with a high reputation and not just a clerical
officer as you may think. I will not condole or tolerate such non -chanlant
attitude from you anymore, it's becoming unbearable to me, please learn to
approach me with dignity from henceforth. Please be concern only on how you
claim your consignment and stop embarrassing us.

Be aware that we shall not receive you officially on arrival until you fax your
identity to us for verification afterwhich we shall forward to you our official
Acceptance Form, you will be required to present the Acceptance Form before
collection of your consignment but if you chose to remain in the hotel until we
complete our verification, it now depends on you. You must observe and adhere
strictly to our official obligation.

We shall expect to receive your identification in which ever way you so desire.

Yours sincerely,

Mr. Carlos Rodman
Officer-in-charge

And another prissy, huffy email from Uniglobe.

Quote:

UNIGLOBE SECURITY & FINANCE S.A
PAYMENT & VERIFICATION DEPT.,
34 PASEA CASTILLANA,
MADRID - SPAIN
Tel: +34 675161841
Fax: +34 657493448

To: Hannah Jones

Madam,

We are beginning to suspect you are not who you claim you in your unability to
fax your true identity for verification. The ID as scan do not reveal your face,
how then do you want us to recognize you on arrival at the airport?

If you do not send your identity to us, do not bother to come, we shall not
receive you.

Yours sincerely,

Mr. Carlos Rodman
Officer-in-charge

I'm sure he's going to shut down Madrid to keep jme from getting in, he's so indignant!

Hannah has supposedly landed in Madrid by now, so I contact Fanni.

Quote:

I don't know what's wrong with your computer, but I have no problems viewing
it. I've sent it to other people, and they had no trouble. And if they meant
"via fax", why didn't they say so? I'm in Madrid by now, so I'm going to
contact Uniglobe again. We just got settled into the hotel not long ago.

Hannah

Hannh also takes this opportunity to ride Carlos a bit. Apologies for the language.

Quote:

------ Original Message ------
Received: Tue, 21 Dec 2004 09:23:07 AM EST
From: "Uniglobe Security Finance S. A." <[email protected]>
To: [email protected]
Subject: Consignment claim

> UNIGLOBE SECURITY & FINANCE S.A
> PAYMENT & VERIFICATION DEPT.,
> 34 PASEA CASTILLANA,
> MADRID - SPAIN
> Tel: +34 675161841
> Fax: +34 657493448
>
> To: Hannah Jones
>
> Madam,
>
> Mrs. Hannah or whatever you called yourself,

What is it with you people and massacring my name? I am not married. I am a
Miss or a Madam. My first name is Hannah. That is a female name. My last name
is Jones. That's not so difficult to get right, is it?

>you should be very careful the way you use words on me regardless of you
>being our customer. Try and learn manners of approach, I am an officer >with
a high reputation and not just a clerical officer as you may think. >I will
not condole or tolerate such non -chanlant attitude from you >anymore, it's
becoming unbearable to me, please learn to approach me >with dignity from
henceforth. Please be concern only on how you claim >your consignment and stop
embarrassing us.

I don't care who the hell you are, even if you're the fucking president of
Spain, you should be able to carry out your job in a decent manner. So far,
you haven't proven that. You seem to think I'm a mind reader.

>
> Be aware that we shall not receive you officially on arrival until you fax
your identity to us for verification afterwhich we shall forward to you our
official Acceptance Form, you will be required to present the Acceptance Form
before collection of your consignment but if you chose to remain in the hotel
until we complete our verification, it now depends on you. You must observe
and adhere strictly to our official obligation.
>
> We shall expect to receive your identification in which ever way you so
desire.
>
> Yours sincerely,
>
> Mr. Carlos Rodman
> Officer-in-charge

I already sent you my damned ID. I can't help it if your computer doesn't work
or you don't know how to work it. I also already sent you my flight schedule,
and if you had bothered to READ it, you would know that I am already here in
Madrid. I'm staying in a local hotel. If you an be bothered to get up off your
behind and do your job, I'd like an appointment at the office. What are your
hours?

Hannah

Heck, she even chews him out twice.

Quote:

------ Original Message ------
Received: Tue, 21 Dec 2004 09:32:41 AM EST
From: "Uniglobe Security Finance S. A." <[email protected]>
To: [email protected]
Subject: Consignment claim

> UNIGLOBE SECURITY & FINANCE S.A
> PAYMENT & VERIFICATION DEPT.,
> 34 PASEA CASTILLANA,
> MADRID - SPAIN
> Tel: +34 675161841
> Fax: +34 657493448
>
> To: Hannah Jones
>
> Madam,
>
> We are beginning to suspect you are not who you claim you in your >unability
to fax your true identity for verification.

So I don't know how to fax things. So sue me. You apparently don't know how to
work a computer. We're even. Besides, you haven't sent me one shred of ID or
any proof that you're who you say you are. Where's your ID?

>The ID as scan do >not reveal your face, how then do you want us to
>recognize you on >arrival at the airport?
>

More intelligent people might understand that you don't have to recognize me.
You hold up a sign with my name on it and I find you. Like I said, how do you
expect me to recognize you if you haven't sent me any ID? That's a very good
question? Why should I trust you at all? You didn't attempt to meet me at the
airport, despite my plainly sending you my flight schedule, you don't give me
any ID... for all I know, you're a bunch of criminals out to kidnap and rob
me. You wanted me to just go with a bunch of strangers who say thy recognize
me from my ID?

> If you do not send your identity to us, do not bother to come, we shall >not
receive you.

I'm already fucking in Madrid! Did you read my damned email at all? Are you
blind? Stupid? Fine. Forget it. You're obviously a bunch of frauds, and I
can't believe I traveled here. My boyfriend and I will just have a nice few
days on holiday, and you can shove the consignment up your arse. I bet there's
plenty of room up there once you remove your head.

Hannah

Fanni still has hope. You can almost smell the desperation, by now. He probably wants to smack Hannah for going on to Madrid.

Quote:

Dear Hannah,
The problem is i couldnt read your name and couldnt view your
photograph.
Please make contact with the company on phone so they can take
approiprate steps to remedy any problem thats on ground.
thank you for making the jouney .
Please try and call them as soon as possible.
Kolama.

Hannh squashes the last of Fanni's hope, I'm sure, by letting him know she has told the security company where to go. Oh, well, at least me and my imaginary boyfriend are having a nice time on our imaginary trip to Madrid.

Quote:

------ Original Message ------
Received: Thu, 23 Dec 2004 08:07:08 AM EST
From: kunta kolama <[email protected]>
To: "[email protected]" <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Re: Fwd: Re: Consignment claim

>
> Dear Hannah,
> The problem is i couldnt read your name and couldnt view your
> photograph.
> Please make contact with the company on phone so they can take
> approiprate steps to remedy any problem thats on ground.
> thank you for making the jouney .
> Please try and call them as soon as possible.
> Kolama.
>
Well, it's probably been a wasted trip, except for the fact that my boyfriend
and I are getting a few days holiday in Madrid. Those idiots at Uniglobe not
only can't figure out how to open my ID, they accused me of not being
legitimate just because I don't know how to use a fax machine to get my ID to
them! Can you believe that!

Not only that, but they can't even read a damned flight schedule. I sent them
my flight schedule, told them exactly when I would be arriving, and they
ignored it. Acted like I wasn't already in Madrid. Kept yammering on and on
about how they wouldn't meet me at the airport if I didn't send them my ID
first.

Well, I'm sick of it. I told the morons off for not being able to read a
simple email, and told them that they had some gall, accusing me of not being
legitimate when they haven't so much as BOTHERED trying to send me THEIR ID.
They expected me, if you can believe it, to just hop in the car with someone
I've never seen, on faith that it's a legitimate person from Uniglobe, just
because this person comes up to me in the airport and says they recognize me
from my ID! When I don't know this person from Adam! For all I know, it could
be someone trying to kidnap me, and they just expect me to go with them! They
weren't even going to hold up a sign with my name on it when they met me at
the airport. Just going to rely on recognizing me. One person. In an airport
where thousands and thousands of people are. Idiots.

I told them they could either send me their ID and straighten up, or shove the
consignment up their arse. Whichever suited them. Their choice. I'm sorry, I
would love to help you, but I can't be putting my personal safety at risk on
faith that these guys are legitimate or taking any more of my personal time
dealing with these simpletons. I suggest you try to get your consignment moved
elsewhere, because these nimrods can't find their own backside with both
hands, a map, a flashlight, and a hired guide. They don't even speak plain
English.

I'll let you know if they respond. I doubt they will. They'll need at least a
week to look up all the big words.

Hannah

Unbelievably, Fanni still clings to a shred of hope. He wants to call me at the hotel. Got my fanny covered on that, too, Fanni.

Quote:

Dear Hannah,
could you please send me your hotel contact information
including the phone number.
I do like to know how long you are staying too.
did you try to get them on phone again.
Wishing you and your boyfriend a merry christmas.
Kolama.

Finally, the sweet, sweet tell-off. I email Fanni one last time. And I don't tell him I'm a baiter. My favorite kind of burn. So close... yet so far... and yet I still get plenty of room to insult.

Quote:

We already left. We came home to spend Christmas with our families. By the
way, before we left, we took the liberty of asking around. Guess what? The
Pasea Castillana address doesn't exist. The street doesn't even exist. And no
one in the city has heard of Uniglobe Security company either. We also talked
to the police. You're a bunch of fucking scammers, the lot of you.

Hannah

Not my most exciting bait, but fun, and dragged out a long while, mostly because the security company really dropped the ball a lot. And I got to drive a lad up the wall without a lot of effort or giving him anything useful.

And who knew I was going to meet a lad named "Fanni"?

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