Things I learned from 419s - 2014 update

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Posted: Sun Sep 21, 2014 2:11 am

It's time for a new listing of facts from Lad reality. So, let's start with things that I was personally assured of.

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The West African cocoa industry is so full of treachery and murder it makes the Colombian Cocaine Cartels look like Boy Scouts. Poison is the preferred method of eliminating competition (and business associates).

West African cocoa merchants are invariably wealthy but all distrust banks, preferring to stash cash in trunk boxes held in security firms. Said cash is always US dollars.

In Africa, the average 24-year-old man is still living at home and supported by his parents.

The Presidency of Cote d’Ivoire is an hereditary position, akin to royalty.

You don’t actually need a number to call someone in Africa; all he has to do is to tell you to call.

In Nigeria, if you get scammed and the perpetrators are brought to justice, you need to have a lawyer present in court to represent you, quite separate from those appearing for the prosecution.

The Nigerian Government only funds prosecuting counsel for cases involving capital crimes.

Retired US Physicians see gold buying as a good career choice in their 70s. That retired US Physician could quite feasibly have a sister 51 years younger.

When it comes to getting banks to release money banked by a relative, it helps if the late relative was a generous donor to charity.

A list can only comprise only one item.

If you have been left a fortune by a mystery benefactor, the lawyer who tells you about it is entitled to 75% of the money just for telling you.

Banks in the UK may demand fees in pounds sterling, but for everything else, the US dollar is where it’s at.

The county of Middlesex is located in London.

New Jerssey (sic) is located in London.

Banks, lawyers, and in fact all kinds of professionals and professional organisations won’t supply invoices until after you’ve paid.

Invoices and receipts are the same thing.

A Nigerian bank can have a resident FBI agent. That bank is also not afraid to admit that its customers get scammed a lot.

US Border Protection operates in Nigeria.

Knights of the Realm are frequently employed by West African Security Firms and Law offices.

Cancers, especially oesophageal, always defile medical treatment, and are often accompanied by something called "stroke sickness" which is more severe (especially in women). Merchants in Dubai are a high-risk group for said cancers.

Death Certificates, Deposit Certificates, and the like, are usually signed with a felt-tip pen.

It's customary for death certificates to feature a photograph of the victim.

Cell phones may be a cancer risk in the Western World, but not in Africa.

The United States used to rule Nigeria.

If you live in Australia, it’s an easy matter to travel to a neighbouring country to get around local Western Union or Moneygram restrictions.

Posted: Sun Sep 21, 2014 3:43 am

Pets being shipped have to have passports.

They have bordello vaccinations. They can also be vaccinated against smithcoronavirus.

They still have credit card receipts.

A shipping company can pick up two heavy boxes of parts, but cannot pick up a check from the same address.

CrimeaYekaterynynska is still in Ukraine.

People are late — to their own funeral.

A swift code is required for mobile deposits, or the requirement for a swift code implies that the account can do mobile deposits. (I couldn't figure out the lad's logic.)

Posted: Sun Sep 21, 2014 4:15 am

Posted: Sun Sep 21, 2014 4:58 am

vonpaso xlura wrote:

Pets being shipped have to have passports.

That is actually true in Europe.

Posted: Sun Sep 21, 2014 5:41 am

Just like every previous year, the most important lesson I learnt in 2014 was that Western and MoneyGram are the most popular, safest and convenient money transfer services in the world, that absolutely everyone over the world knows what they are, and that it is always more efficient to go into my local bank to ask how they work instead of getting my new business partner to explain the process.

Oh, and I also learnt that I am apparently a bad man, a time waster and "not serious".

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