Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day

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Posted: Sun Feb 16, 2014 9:53 am

One day Little Billy is at school showing off his new Spiderman watch. When Little Johnny spots it he asks, "How did you get that watch?"
"I walked in on my Mum & Dad having sex." explained Billy "My Dad shouted at me, then later came to apologise and bought me this new watch to say sorry".
That night Johnny had a plan, he'd stay awake until he heard his Mum & Dad getting down to it and then burst in on them and maybe get a watch for himself. Everything went to plan and as he burst in shouting,

"I wanna watch!"

"Go get yourself a chair and be quiet then." replied his Dad.

Posted: Thu Feb 27, 2014 4:01 pm

A man received the following text from his neighbour:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.

I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.

In fact, more than you.

I'm not getting it at home, but that's no excuse.

I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest
apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

Bob, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun,
and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:
Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

Posted: Mon Mar 03, 2014 3:34 pm

Why do I think Pastor Frank was involved in this?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QsxV49pmnL8

Posted: Mon Mar 03, 2014 7:15 pm

A State Trooper pulled over a Lotus on the Interstate for going too fast.

When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler, and was on his way to the next town over to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and asked if the driver would do a little juggling for him, then he wouldn't give him a ticket.

The driver told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle with (it was an Elise after all). The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him. While the man was doing his thing with great skill and a flair for showmanship, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy from the south got out, watched the performance briefly, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail cause there ain't no way I can pass that test!"

Posted: Mon Mar 03, 2014 7:18 pm

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The store owner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.

The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."

And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.

The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."

And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

Posted: Mon Mar 03, 2014 7:20 pm

I was driving on the motorway on the inside lane doing around 60 miles an hour when this four legged chicken overtook me running down the hard shoulder.
I put my foot down to keep up with it and it turned off at the next exit.I followed it and it eventually ran on to a farm.
I drove onto the farm and seen the farmer fixing his tractor,excuse me sir said I, I just followed a four legged chicken running onto here.
Thats right said he I breeds them,why is that then I asked.Well I like a leg,the wife likes a leg and I have two sons and they both like a leg.
What does it taste like I asked,he replied,well I dont know about thart you see cause I aint caught one yet!!!!

Posted: Sun Mar 23, 2014 2:27 am

A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks,
'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of
you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone
here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you
ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I I've been
giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make
his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell
us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Ahmed replied, "Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."

Laughing

Posted: Sat Mar 29, 2014 3:26 pm

http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2014/03/27/national-cleavage-day-spoof_n_5040979.html?utm_hp_ref=tw

Master of Master Baiters Joined: 13 Jan 2014 Posts: 698

A streaker runs through a golf club with a towel over his face and passes three lady members.

"Well that's not my husband," says the first woman.
"No, it isn't," says the second woman;
"He's not even a member of the club," says the third woman.

Posted: Sat Apr 05, 2014 7:12 am

A little old man and woman were sitting on the porch swing together enjoying a lovely spring day.

Out of no where the little old woman turns a slaps the old man as hard as she could.

'What on earth was that for?" he asked.

She replies, "50 years of bad sex. That's what for."

They sit in silence for about 5 minutes and then the old man turns and slaps the old woman.

'Why on earth did you just do that?" she asked.

"For knowing the difference." The old man replied

Posted: Sat Apr 05, 2014 7:19 am

Ron was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends were already married while Ron just bounced from one relationship to the next.

Finally a friend asked him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"

"No," Ron replied. "I meet a lot of nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"

"Listen," his friend suggested, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?"

Many weeks passed before Ron and his friend crossed paths again.

"So Ron. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's just like your Mother?"

Ron shrugged his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became great friends."

"Excellent!!! So... Are you and this girl engaged yet?"

"I'm afraid not," Ron replied, "My Father can't stand her!"

Master of Master Baiters Joined: 13 Jan 2014 Posts: 698

A professional footballer is walking down the street when he hears a woman screaming for help. He looks up to see a woman waving frantically from the top-most floor of a burning building.

"Help me," she calls, "Save my baby! The stairwell's blocked! I want somebody to catch my baby."

"Fear not," calls the footballer, "I'm a professional goalkeeper. Throw your baby down and I promise I'll catch it."

The woman throws the baby down, the footballer catches it expertly, then bounces it twice and kicks it 30 yards down the street.

Posted: Sat Apr 05, 2014 5:14 pm

Many years ago, a group of bikers, all aged 40 discussed where they should meet for a reunion lunch. Finally it was decided they would meet at Wetherspoons in Billericay because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini skirts.

Ten years later at the age of 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Billericay because the food and service was good and the beer was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60 the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed they would meet at Wetherspoons in Billericay because they could dine in peace and quiet and it was good value for money.

Ten years later, at age 70 the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed they would meet at Wetherspoons in Billericay because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had easy access to the toilets.

Ten years later at the age of 80 the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed they would meet at Wetherspoons in Billericay because they had never been there before.

Master of Master Baiters Joined: 13 Jan 2014 Posts: 698

Last night we discovered we'd been living with a perfect stranger for the past eight years. I thought the little old lady living at our house was her mother, and she thought she was mine.

Posted: Sun Apr 06, 2014 3:11 pm

I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at a bar.

One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man you look tired."

His buddy says, "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do."

A fellow about my age (75), sitting a couple of stools down had also overheard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says, "Marry her. That'll put a stop to that sh1t"

Posted: Sun Apr 06, 2014 3:15 pm

A few years ago robbers entered a bank in a small town.
One of them shouted: "Don't move! The money belongs to the bank. Your lives
belong to you."
Immediately all the people in the bank laid on the floor quietly and without
panic.
This is an example of how the correct wording of a sentence can make
everyone change their view of the world.

While running from the bank the youngest robber (who had a college degree)
said to the oldest robber (who had barely finished elementary school): "Hey,
maybe we should count how much we stole." ?
The older man replied: "Don't be stupid. It's a lot of money so let's wait
for the news on TV to find out how much money was taken from the bank."
This is an example of how life experience is more important than a degree.

After the robbery, the manager of the bank said to his accountant:
"Let's call the cops and tell them how much has been stolen."
"Wait", said the Accountant, "before we do that, let's add the $800,000 we
took for ourselves a few months ago and just say that it was stolen as part
of today's robbery."
This is an example of taking advantage of an opportunity.

The following day it was reported in the news that the bank was robbed of $
3 million.
The robbers counted the money, but they found only $1 million so they
started to grumble.
"We risked our lives for $1 million, while the bank's management robbed two
million dollars without blinking? Maybe its better to learn how to work the
system, instead of being a simple robber."
This is an example of how knowledge can be more useful than power.

Moral :Give a person a gun, and he can rob a bank . Give a person a bank,
and he can rob everyone.

Posted: Sun Apr 06, 2014 3:19 pm

Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "Ar've got everythin' organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".

Archie nods approvingly.

"I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that.
What's the tartan?...."

"Och," says Jimmy, "A'd imagine she'll be in white.”

Master of Master Baiters Joined: 13 Jan 2014 Posts: 698

A Police officer is staking out a pub at closing time. As the place empties and the customers head for the car park, he sees one man stumble out of the pub and stagger towards his car. He falls down twice and then spends nearly five minutes fumbling for his keys.

Eventually he finds them and then spends another five minutes trying to unlock his car, get in and get it started. By this time he's the only one left in the car park and as he drives out into the road the policemen stops him and gives him a breathalyser test. To the policemen's amazement, it's negative.

"Of course it is, " says the driver, "I was tonight's designated drunk."

Posted: Mon Apr 07, 2014 4:55 am

A curious child asked his mother: “Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?”

The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: “It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!”

The child replied innocently: “Now I know why grandmother has only grey hairs on her head.”

Master of Master Baiters Joined: 13 Jan 2014 Posts: 698

A terrible golfer has just hit his ball into a huge bunker. He looks down at it and says to his caddie, "What club do you reckon I should use?"

"Oh I wouldn't worry too much about the club, Sir," says tha caddie, "just make sure you take plenty of food and water."

Posted: Tue Apr 08, 2014 4:32 am

The President and Mrs. Clinton are in the front row just above the dug
out at a Yankees game. The row behind them is taken up with Secret
Service agents. One of them leans over and whispers something in the
President's ear.

President Clinton pauses, then grabs Hillary by the scruff of the neck
and heaves her over the railing. She falls 10 feet to the top of the
dug out, kicking and screaming obscenities all the way down, and after
she lands, the President bows to the crowd, and shakes hands and "high
five's" everyone near him.

The same Secret Service agent again leans over and whispers, "No Mr.
President, I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH."

Posted: Tue Apr 08, 2014 6:52 pm

I followed a car this evening with a bumper sticker saying,

"I am a vet, therefore I can drive like an animal."

It was then I realised how many gynaecologists there are on the road.

Master of Master Baiters Joined: 13 Jan 2014 Posts: 698

A man picks up a gorgeous woman in a bar and they go to her place. The man is surprised to see that the apartment is full of teddy bears and other stuffed toys of all shapes and sizes. They are piled everywhere.

After a night of passion, he rolls over and says, "How was I?"

The Woman replies, "Take any prize from the bottom shelf".

Posted: Fri Apr 11, 2014 4:09 am

A physician claimed that the following are actual
comments made by his patients.

1.. 'Take it easy, Doc . You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

2.. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3.. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4.. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5.. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married..'

6.. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7.. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8.. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9.. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc , let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all:

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

Master of Master Baiters Joined: 13 Jan 2014 Posts: 698

^^^^

"Doctor, I suffer from premature ejaculation, can you help me?"

"No .... but I can introduce you to a woman with a short attention span."[/i]

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