Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day

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Posted: Thu Jun 13, 2013 7:08 pm

She lives right across the street.
I can see her house from my living room.
I watched as she got home this evening from playing golf.
I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.
She knocked on my door....I rushed to open it.
She looked at me, and said,
"I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to
have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long!
Are you busy tonight?"
I immediately replied, "No, I'm free... I have no plans at all!"

Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"

This being a senior citizen really sucks!!!

Baiting Guru Joined: 31 Jan 2007 Posts: 12237

Happy Fathers Day.

https://i.minus.com/iTtHTrcmaShI5.gif

Posted: Sat Jun 15, 2013 1:01 pm

A World War II Royal Air Force pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force.

"In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared.

(At this point, several of the children giggle.)

"I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me."

At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company."

"That's true," says the pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmitts."

Posted: Sat Jun 15, 2013 1:03 pm

1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, but it's harmful if done every day.

2. F***ing relaxes your mind and body.

3. F***ing refreshes you.

4. After F***ing, don’t eat too much; go for more liquids.

5. Try f***ing in bed 'cause it can save you valuable energy.

6. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol levels.

SO, REMEMBER ..

Fasting is good for your health

and may God cleanse your dirty Mind

Posted: Sun Jun 16, 2013 6:22 pm

Newspaper Reports

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, 'We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.'
(The Daily Telegraph)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.
(The Manchester Evening News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, 'This sort of thing is all too common'.
(The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
( Aberdeen Evening Express)

Posted: Mon Jun 17, 2013 1:09 pm

SCOTTISH WEDDING

At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled... "Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

Poor Lance Armstrong -

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs.

When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my frig’n bike.

Posted: Wed Jun 19, 2013 5:35 pm

A dealer in antiques was pleased when a professorial-looking man burst excitedly into his shop.
"I see you have an audio recording on "Wasps of Europe"!" he cried. "I am fascinated by wasps, and for my Ph. D. I investigated the difference in tone and sound quality of the buzzing of different species of wasp! It was fascinating work! Did you realise, for example, that you can tell the difference between the red wasp and the tree wasp just by listening to..."
Keen to have a sale rather than a lecture, the antique dealer was already placing the long-playing record onto an old gramophone, and putting on the needle. The first track began with an interminable buzzing, as some poor wasp was put through its paces...
The professor looked puzzled. "I.. I.. don't know! I just can't ...."
"Let's try the second track, sir," said the antique dealer, encouragingly.
But track after track, the poor professor recognised none of them at all, and was crumpling into a pale shadow of the man who had rushed through the door. "I don't understand it! I thought I could recognise every species of wasp in Europe, but obviously...." He trailed off.
The antique dealer took the record off the gramophone. "Oh, I'm terribly sorry, sir! It's my fault! I was playing the bee side!"

Posted: Thu Jun 27, 2013 8:18 pm

Hannibal Lector invites his mother over for dinner.
As she starts her meal, she says,
"You know Hannibal, I don't like your friends."
"Well just eat your veggies Mum."

Posted: Fri Jun 28, 2013 8:13 am

Mother says to geeky son... "Please go to the shop and get me two pints of milk. If they have any eggs, get me six". He comes back and gives her six pints of milk. She asked why he had six pints of milk. He said "They had eggs".

Posted: Tue Jul 02, 2013 10:42 pm

Saw this on FB

TOO FUNNY NOT TO PASS ON!!
How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

~dedicated to the eater attorneys, you know who you are Twisted Evil

Posted: Fri Jul 05, 2013 1:35 pm

An Englishman, an Irishman, a welshman and a Scot are captured by the Iraqis.
The Iraq troop leader says, "we're going to shoot you, but we will give you one last request."
He says to the welshman, "what's your last request?"
The welshman says, "I want a thousand welshman singing 'Land of my Fathers'."
"Okay, you've got it. What about you?" he says to the Scotsman.
"I want a thousand Scots pipers piping Scotland the brave," says the Scot.
"You've got it" says the Iraqi. "What's your last request?" he says to the Irishman.
"I want a thousand Irishman doing the Riverdance" says Paddy.
"It's yours" says the Iraqi. Turning to the Englishman, he says, "and your last request?"
The Englishman says, "f***ing shoot me first".

Posted: Mon Jul 08, 2013 2:21 pm

I think I'll stay in the good old USA:

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?feature=player_embedded&v=5RAaW_1FzYg

Posted: Mon Jul 08, 2013 3:03 pm

You are driving down the road in your Corvette on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.

Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.

However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS.....................

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.

Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'

HOWEVER...., The correct answer is to run the old

lady over and put her out of her misery because

Obama's health care won't pay for her hospital visit anyway,have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car,then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

God, I just love happy endings

Posted: Fri Jul 12, 2013 7:35 pm

Absolutely disgusting behaviour I witnessed on the seafront at Barry Island yesterday evening.

There was a man and a woman there having an almighty argument in front of a load of kids who were there. Suddenly the woman just lost it, she was hysterical and smacked the guy straight in the head. It all kicked off then and there was a massive brawl. Someone must have called the police because this poor copper turned up on his own.

He was trying to stop the fight by hitting the man with his baton. The guy took the baton though and was hammering the copper and the woman with it.

Then out of the blue a crocodile appeared and stole all the sausages!

Posted: Mon Jul 29, 2013 12:52 pm

I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are

I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones
My Satnav is my wife

It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice

It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then
I could turn the b***er off

Posted: Mon Aug 05, 2013 4:01 am

A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard, has sued St Luke's hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied ... "Mr. Maynard was admitted in Ophthalmology
- all we did was correct his eyesight."

Posted: Mon Aug 26, 2013 3:55 pm

A pharmacist walked into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.
"What's wrong with him?", he asked his assistant.
"He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find any
so I gave him an entire box of laxatives."
"You idiot" said the chemist, "You can't treat a cough with laxatives."
"Of course you can" the assistant replied,
"Look at him.........he daren't cough now!!"

Posted: Fri Sep 06, 2013 4:30 pm

At the session last week, the priest asked Tony, who said he was

approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and

share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Tony replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to

treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka

her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, Tony, you are an amazing inspiration to all

the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife

for your 50th anniversary?'

Tony proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."

Posted: Fri Sep 06, 2013 4:35 pm

A contractor dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the Angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.

Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologises for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand and says 'Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you!

Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the contractor sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says 'Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive.'

'Congratulations for what?' says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty.

'We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!'

The contractor is awe-struck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth agape. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says 'Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty.'

'That's simply impossible son,' says Saint Peter. 'We've added up your time sheets.'

Posted: Tue Sep 10, 2013 8:05 pm

At a wine merchant, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.
The director of the winery wondered how to send him away.

He gave him a glass to drink.
The drunk tried it and said:
"It's a Muscat , three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.”

"That's correct", said the boss.

Another glass....

"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."

"Correct."

A third glass...

''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished.

He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.

The old drunk tried it.

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant - and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."

*** BANNED *** Joined: 26 Jul 2012 Posts: 1123

Posted: Fri Sep 27, 2013 6:02 pm

Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down.

I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets.

A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.

Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.

My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.

His theory is that the car will be stolen.

As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion.

His theory was right.

The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location,

confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; ( I always call him "honey" in times like these.)

"I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.

"Are you kidding' me", he barked, "I dropped you off"!!!

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop I didn't steal your car."

Yep, it's the golden years................

Posted: Fri Sep 27, 2013 6:04 pm

1. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"Your room looks like a tornado hit it."

2. My mother taught me about RELIGION.
"You better pray that comes out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week."

4. My mother taught me about OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

5. My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, I can take you out."

6. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in the world who don't have wonderful parents like you."

7. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when we get home."

8. My mother taught me about GENEOLOGY.
"Shut that door... You think you were raised in a barn?"

9. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids... I hope they turn out just like you!"

10. My mother taught me about LOGIC.
"Because I said so, That's why."

11. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until your spinach is gone."

12. My mother taught me about IRONY.
"Keep crying. I'll give you something to cry about."

Posted: Fri Sep 27, 2013 6:08 pm

On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter.
In his highly aroused state,
... Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the
bank which was worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut

Posted: Sat Sep 28, 2013 12:57 pm

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