Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day

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Posted: Sun Apr 07, 2013 3:46 pm

For thirty years, Johnston had arrived at work at 9 a.m. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day, 9 a.m. passed without Johnston's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.
Finally, precisely at 10 a.m., Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."
And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"

Posted: Wed Apr 10, 2013 6:00 pm

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer, from London , and is certain that he has a better education than any paddy cop.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense!!

Irish Garda says,' License and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What for?'

Irish Garda replies, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop sign.'

London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

Irish Garda says, 'You still didn't come to a complete stop.

License And registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

Irish Garda says, 'The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!'

London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between 'slow down' and 'stop', I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Irish Garda says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

The London lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish Garda takes out his baton and starts beating the c##p out of the lawyer with it and says,
'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?

Posted: Tue Apr 16, 2013 7:55 pm

Posted: Fri Apr 19, 2013 7:43 pm

There once was a sheriff who, no matter what the situation, always said, "It could have been worse" after viewing the scene of the crime. It drove his two deputies absolutely crazy.

One day, the two deputies in the Sheriff's Office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They both had been shot to death. When the deputies went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.

"No doubt about it," one deputy said to the other. "This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."

"You're right," the other deputy replied. "Double murder and suicide. But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here, he's going to say 'It could have been worse' as he always does!"

"No way. How could it be worse? There are three people in the house, and all of them have been shot to death. It couldn't be worse. You're on." said the first deputy.

About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene. He walked into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies. He then walked into the living room and saw the man on the floor with the gun by his side. "No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."

After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies squarely in the eyes. "But, you know," he said, "it could have been worse."

The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead. It couldn't have been worse!!"

"Yes it could," the sheriff retorted.
"You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me in that there bed!"

Posted: Fri Apr 19, 2013 7:43 pm

A man walks into a bar and orders 20 pints of Guinness. He lines them up on the bar and announces that he’ll give £100 to the man who can drink all of them. Patrick sticks up his hand and says he’d like a go if the man can wait half an hour.
Patrick then leaves the pub, comes back 30 minutes later and downs the 20 pints one after another.
The man is impressed and hands over the money, ‘But tell me,’ he asks. ‘Where did you go to for that half an hour?’ ‘Ah, well,’ says Patrick. ‘Before I took your bet I popped to the pub next door to see if I could do it.’

Posted: Fri Apr 19, 2013 7:44 pm

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,
"What are these, Dad?

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called
condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively.
Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of
3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one
for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and
asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO
for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,
"Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March......."

Posted: Sun Apr 21, 2013 6:05 pm

*An Emergency Call Centre worker in London has been dismissed
from her job, much to the dismay of colleagues who are reportedly unhappy
with her treatment.*

*It seems a male caller dialled 999 from a mobile phone stating, "I am
depressed and lying here on a railway track. I am waiting for the train to
come so I can finally meet Allah."
*
*Apparently "remain calm and stay on the line" was not considered to be
an appropriate or correct response!...*

Posted: Sun Apr 21, 2013 6:07 pm

A man invites his friend back home for dinner.

The wife screams at him . . ."I've not done my hair, not done my make-up, not done any housework, not done the dishes & can't be bothered with cooking!

What did you invite him around for?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married."

Posted: Tue Apr 30, 2013 4:00 pm

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree, they decided to ask the old man.

They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk. But we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you. But first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought that - but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought that - but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old-timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought that it was WIND - but I was wrong, too!"

Posted: Sun May 05, 2013 7:14 am

The World Economy Explained in Cows.

SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM

You have 2 cows

The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and sells you some milk.

BUREAUCRATISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk

away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

You sell them and retire on the income.

VENTURE CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of

credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, and then execute a

debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four

cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a

Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells

the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one

more.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has died.

A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want

three cows.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you do not know where they are.

You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you.

You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity.

You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Both are mad.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Business seems pretty good.

You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A GREEK CORPORATION

You have two cows borrowed from French and German banks.

You eat both of them.

The banks call to collect their milk, but you cannot deliver so you call

the IMF.

The IMF loans you two cows.

You eat both of them.

The banks and the IMF call to collect their cows/milk.

You are out getting a haircut.

AN IRISH CORPORATION

You have two cows

One of them is a horse

Posted: Sun May 05, 2013 12:18 pm

A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to get a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband sitting there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say "Hello"?

Posted: Wed May 08, 2013 6:19 pm

Attention Beneficiary,

The Federal Government of Nigeria through provisions in Section 419 of the
Criminal Code came up with punitive measures to deter and punish
offenders.The Advance Fee Fraud section deal mainly with cases of advance fee
fraud(commonly called 419) such as obtaining by false pretence through
different fraudulent schemes e.g. contract scam, credit card scam,
inheritance scam, job scam, loan scam, lottery scam, “wash wash” scam (money
washing scam), marriage scam. Immigration scam, counterfeiting and religious
scam. It also investigates cyber crime cases.

This is to officially announce to you that some scam Syndicates were
apprehended in Lagos, Nigeria few days ago and after several interrogations
and tortures your details were among those mentioned by some of the scam
Syndicates as one of the victims of their operations.

After proper investigations and research at Western Union Money Transfer and
Money Gram office to know if you have truly sent money to the scam Syndicates
through Western Union Money Transfer or Money Gram, your name was found in
Western Union Money Transfer database amongst those that have sent money
through Western Union Money Transfer and this proves that you have truly been
swindled by those unscrupulous persons by sending money to them in the course
of getting one fund or the other that is not real, right now we are working
hand in hand with Western Union and Interpol to track every fraudsters down,
do not respond to their e-mails, letters and phone calls any longer they are
scammers and you should be very careful to avoid being a victim to fraudsters
any longer because they have nothing to offer you but to rip-off what you
have worked hard to earn.

In this regard a meeting was held between the Board of Directors of The
Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC) and as a consequence of our
investigations it was agreed that the sum of Two Million United States
Dollars (USD$2,000,000) should be transferred to you out of the funds that
Federal Government of Nigeria has set aside as a compensation to everyone who
have by one way or the other sent money to fraudsters in Nigeria.

Be inform that Nigeria don’t transfer money out oversee, therefore in order
to receive this compensation fund,you will have to provide this office with
your details for proper confirmation as we do not want to risk paying out
funds to people who have not been affected in the scam epidemic. Kindly
contact the officer in charge of investigating and payment process
verification with the email below. You will provide him with your full
names.current mailing address,phone numbers and amount spent so far in trying
to receive your funds.

Email: [email protected]

Yours sincerely,
David Brown
Assistant Investigation Officer.
The Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC)
15A Awolowo Road, Ikoyi, Lagos.
Nigeria
http://www.efccnigeria.org
*****************************************************************************
*************************************
Please note that some fraudsters are claiming to be Directors or staff of
The Ecomomic and Financial Crimes Commission have recently been sending phony
e-mails/letters and also calling unsuspecting persons, with intent to defraud
them. It is important to note that these fraudsters are criminals engaged in
Advanced Fee Fraud known in Nigeria as 419. Every day, people throughout the
world are falling victim to scams of one kind or another. But remember - if
it sounds too good to be true, it is probably a scam. In the
circumstance, we unreservedly advice you to dissociate yourself from all
correspondence and transactions entered into based on evidently fraudulent
and fictitious claims.
**********************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************
"This e-Mail may contain proprietary and confidential information and is sent
for the intended recipient(s) only. If, by an addressing or transmission
error, this mail has been
misdirected to you, you are requested to delete this mail immediately. You
are also hereby notified that any use, any form of reproduction,
dissemination, copying, disclosure, modification, distribution and/or
publication of this e-mail message, contents or its attachment(s), other than
by its intended recipient(s), is strictly prohibited.Any opinions expressed
in this email are those of the individual and not necessarily of the
organization. Before opening attachment(s), please scan for viruses."

Posted: Thu May 09, 2013 3:47 pm

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, Mum," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mum, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I’d never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You’ve got to come get me and take me home.... Please Mum!"

"Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"

"Please don’t make me tell you, Mum," wept the daughter, "I’m so embarrassed, they’re just too awful! Come get me, please!"

"Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mum, they were words like dust, wash, iron, cook.

Posted: Tue May 14, 2013 4:21 am

Oh So True........ Laughing

Posted: Mon May 20, 2013 6:45 pm

John decided to marry his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes...
His new wife was standing there watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally spoke.
“John darling now that we are married I think it's time you gave up golf.
Perhaps you should consider selling your clubs."
John looked horrified.
She said, “Darling, what's wrong?"
"For a minute there you were sounding like my ex-wife.”
“Ex wife!” she gasped, “You didn't tell me you'd been married before"
“I haven't been” said John.

Posted: Wed May 22, 2013 9:01 am

Watch out for ghost that haunt your house! Laughing

Link

Posted: Wed May 22, 2013 12:25 pm

Who says today's kids aren't smart? Well, some of them are!

At a high school in Montana a group of students played a prank on the school.

They let three goats loose in the school.

Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2 and 4.

Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.

Posted: Wed May 22, 2013 12:25 pm

Johnson, the Matchmaker, goes to meet Mr. Ford, who is a bachelor for many years.

Johnson says to Mr. Ford, "I suggest you do not delay it any further. I have someone in mind who is just perfect for you. You just have to say yes and I'll arrange for you to meet her. Before you know, you'll be married!"

"Please don't bother," replies Mr. Ford, "I have two sisters at home, who take care of all my needs."

Johnson says, "Well that's good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."

"I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they were mine!"

Posted: Wed May 22, 2013 12:26 pm

Three friends were discussing their wives.

Tom says "You know, my wife is amazing. When she makes love, she's just like an acrobat. She can get into the most incredible positions."

Eric says, "I couldn't have asked for a better wife. She is gifted like a world-class pianist when it comes to sex. She's got the most talented hands you can imagine."

No one spoke for a moment. Then Tom says to the third friend Robert, "Hey Rob, tell us how's your wife in bed?"

Robert took a sip of his vodka and said, "I guess you could say that my wife has the gift of a chess player."

"A chess player?"

"Yeah" says Robert. "Every half an hour, she moves."

Posted: Wed May 22, 2013 12:31 pm

A man and his wife are sitting watching tv one evening when there's a knock at the door.
The man gets up to answer it and appears in the living room shortly after with a friend.
"Here she is John" he said gesturing to his wife.
John stares for a few seconds before replying, "Nice one! You were right mate!" then walking out the door.
The man sits back down only to be interrupted by another knock at the door. Again after answering it he enters the living room with another mate.
"Here she is Mick" once again pointing at his bemused wife.
Mick stares for a minute then says, "Wow! You were right mate!" and promptly walks out.
This happens three times more before the wife says, "You know, I think it's really lovely that you speak so highly of me in the pub",
"Eh?" replies the man,
"I mean, all of your friends want to see me to believe how pretty you say I am" giggles the wife,
"No" said the man "We all tried Viagra last night and theirs wasn't wearing off."

Posted: Thu May 23, 2013 6:37 pm

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out
Over a crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a
Cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so clear that you can make out the face of the
Politician you're holding underwater.
See it worked. You're smiling already

Baiting Guru Joined: 27 Mar 2011 Posts: 21158

Yesterday I was buying a 2 large bags of Purina dog chow at Walmart, for my dogs Winston, Chief, Gus, and Maximus. I was about to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think, that I had an elephant?

Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time. On the bright side though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me. I told her no; I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my butt and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.

Posted: Tue May 28, 2013 6:02 am

China have made a push to promote tourism to greater
heights. The government has asked all hotels, tourist guides and
restaurants to provide the best services and proper guidance
to tourists in English.

An Example

Hotel Welcome Letter:

Getting There:

Our representative will make you wait at the airport.
The hotel bus runs along the lake and you will feel pleasure in
passing water. You will know the hotel is near, because you will go
round the bend. As you come into the hotel, our beautiful manager will
offer welcome drinks and then have intercourse with all new guests.

The Hotel:

This is a family hotel, so adultery and children are welcome.
Nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children..
Guests are invited to mate in the bar and expose themselves to others.
It is good to have intercourse with others and become fast friends.
But please note that ladies are not allowed to have their babies in
the bar. With our help they can be delivered in the baby center.
We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with
himself.

Your Room:

Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts.
In winter, every room is on heat.
Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity.
All your needs are from room service. Please feel free to ring for the
chambermaid and take advantage of her.

Hospitality:

When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will struggle to
forget it..

Posted: Thu Jun 13, 2013 5:48 am

HEARD ON THE LONDON UNDERGOUND
A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...

1) 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.'

2) 'Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any.'

3) 'Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination.'

4) 'Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'.'

5) 'We are now travelling through Baker Street ... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that'.

6) 'Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.'

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: 'Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... Unfortunately, towels are not provided.'

'Let the passengers off the train FIRST!' (Pause ) 'Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home....'

9) 'Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions.'

10) 'Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.'

11) 'We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.'

12) 'To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage -- what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?'

13) 'Please move all baggage away from the doors.' (Pause..) 'Please move ALL belongings away from the doors.' (Pause...) 'This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your b****y golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your backside sideways!'

14) 'May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.'

Baiting Guru Joined: 27 Mar 2011 Posts: 21158

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked him to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

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