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Posted: Wed Apr 03, 2013 6:57 am

A while ago I started a thread for the Goofy Stuff that baiters write, but it went quiet, so rather than necro, here's a new thread.

And I open with this from Mal (emphasis added):

Quote:

I'll send a message to Mr Green tomorrow when I'm more awake and less sore. You wouldn't believe how folks can be sore losers at paintball.

The Lad was moved to ask (ephasis in original):

Quote:

could you explain to me the meaning of this You wouldn't believe how folks can be sore losers at paintball

So Mal explained:

Quote:

It was just an aside. I was invited to a game of paintball and the teams were drawn at random. After the first two games of Capture The Flag the other side was so badly beaten that they demanded a redraw, and I ended up on the same side, and we won the next two games as well. In the last one, the losers were so busy shooting at me that they got overrun, and a couple of them took it so badly they emptied their magazines at me after the final whistle. Like I said, you wouldn't believe what sore losers some folks can be.

Posted: Wed Apr 03, 2013 8:17 am

Quote:

Dear [orphan with big, fat bank account scammer],

I am so sorry to hear about your troubles in the refugee camp. I know how hard it can be to have to deal with a horrendous goat infestation. They can be quite hard to get rid of once they invade somewhere .....

And to a loan lad:

Quote:

.... I wish I could tell you the project is going well. One of our workers fell off some scaffolding into the flooded hole dug for the basement and drowned. The family thinks we owe them something, the money-grubbing bastards .....

Posted: Wed Apr 03, 2013 10:30 am

In the Facebook Lottery bait, which went on for 11 months:

Quote:

I live in Deal Island and am right now south of Scotland catching fish. Laurel is inland, but I could meet him in Annapolis and hand him the money without having to wait days for the wire transfer delay. Could you send me his email address and we'll arrange a place to meet?

The lad named a mule living in Maryland. The Scotland she mentioned is not north of England, but at the tip of a peninsula in the Chesapeake Bay.

Same lad:

Quote:

...to sign your paper work for the final approval before he leave the office for his annual leaf.

My reply (in early August):

Quote:

Is it maple or oak? Isn't it a bit early for leaves?

Baiting Guru Joined: 03 May 2007 Posts: 18313

Not really goofy, but a couple of small amusements for me. In one bait the lad is pretending to be a 17 year old girl in Denmark, where her parents were just killed because of political enemies.

I wrote:

Quote:

I'm so glad to be able to help you, and help you get out of Denmark. It really sounds like something is rotten there.

"She" isn't able to get help from the cousin she lives with because she's "like a green snake in green grass".
I wrote:

Quote:

I know a squirrel like that. Sad

Baiting Guru Joined: 07 Jul 2006 Posts: 5727

Penfold to lad concerning my 16 year old son Jay:

Quote:

I spoke with Jay's lawyer last week and he thinks we should have not trouble in getting Jay the death penalty. Good news, right? Roland, Juanita and I are trying to get a head count for our wedding. Will you be coming by yourself or will your fiance be joining you?

Jay to lad:

Quote:

Mr. Kelly, I really really need your help. The judge cancelled my April court date since my lawyer pled me out to the death penalty, and they are transferring me to death row today. I do not know when I will be able to check my email because people waiting to be executed have limited access to the internet, but I will check when I can.

God Bless you Mr. Kelly

Followed a few days later by

Quote:

Hello Mr. Kelly. You have not answered my last few emails. I hope I did not do something to upset you. Mr. Kelly, I understand that most people do not like talking with death row prisoners. I had hoped you were different. Did you send me my cigarettes and skittles like you promised?

Mr. Kelly, I am afraid I have some bad news concerning my father. It seems as if he decided to go after Mr. Snorky himself, and he got himself killed. I have scanned and attached the newspaper article so you can see for yourself. I know I should be mad at him for getting me the death penalty, but I still do love him. I think he was trying to teach me a lesson by doing all he did.

Mr. Kelly, they will probably be setting my execution date soon and I would really like it if you would come out and witness my execution. I think my mom would like it as well.

Your friend.

Baiting Guru Joined: 27 Mar 2011 Posts: 21158

One of my first attempts at an dying widow donation I wrote

Quote:

Tell me what we need to do to get this money to me. I promise to buy at least one child a bag of Skittles.

Posted: Thu Apr 04, 2013 12:13 am

I'm going way back here...Dying Widow type Bait:

Quote:

Hello my Sister,

Linus and Lucy are doing fine. I have been dealing with the bank and should have the paperwork filled out today.

Recently the banker and I have decided to keep our dealing a bit more secretive in order to protect us from any prying eyes. Lucy has been rather Snoopy as of late. From now on the banker is known as Mr. Bukaki and I am Mike Okisard. I have a few suggestions for your new name below:

1 - Ivana Givehead
2 - B. J. Swallows
3 - Krusty K***z
4 -Ineeda Dickinside

We are also using the header FUDGE PACKER to make this all look very official.

The Lad picked number 3!

Baiting Guru Joined: 31 Jan 2007 Posts: 12237

Ima Baeder wrote:

"She" isn't able to get help from the cousin she lives with because she's "like a green snake in green grass".
I wrote:

Quote:

I know a squirrel like that. Sad

Posted: Fri Apr 05, 2013 1:06 am

Excerpts from my favorite excuses to lads...

Quote:

I am going to be away from the office the rest of the day. I'll stop by the Western Union while I'm out, but it will be next week before I can get back to you with the transfer details because the internet is closed in the U.S. for the holidays.

Quote:

It turns out the snake wasn't poisonous after all. Orange and yellow kill a fellow, but orange and black's a friend of Jack. However, I busted my leg in the accident the ambulance was involved in on the way to the hospital, and now I can't drive anywhere until I get the cast off in six weeks.

Quote:

The flooding in Death Valley last week is making it very difficult for mail deliveries to get through. I'll let you know as soon as the check arrives, but I haven't had any mail delivered for the last three days.

Posted: Fri Apr 05, 2013 7:12 am

My Chinese dragon character Lung Tien Diao responding to a nanny scammer, lets just say her English isn't quite all there:

Quote:

Tumescent greetings Mrs Pamelaosborne

Most excellent email for receive happens and offer of gainful employment as AuPair and wish large brother to make for children of smallness being.

I am "Lung Tien Diao" called and being of dragon come from land of China and live most high on mountain in Guangzhou, Guangdong provence where practice ancient dragon arts of Feng Shui, Origami, Kung-Fu and Macramé most off of which can to your small infant be teach, for free!

English I learning at moment and a regret happens speak it not very good and make apology I have for not good translate. I make for the learning with Master Wu Emporium of Foreigner Language correspondence course! Come to United State America make much unprovement of England speak skill also. In return also child of yours will be teach Mandarin and Cantonese speak and also special language Durzagh for dragons - much roaring fun your child will be having yes!

I also have no pet as did have small furry animal but make accident to step on one day - clumsy dragon! Also smoke slightly little bit on occasion but as not like western dragon be I of oriental extraction mainly for cloud and rain make for the happening. Promise curtain not to set alight and most careful where exhale I do.

Can make for travel to Californias within 2 week.

You have a happy?

With great Detonations.

Lung Tien Diao

And yes, they did reply. Laughing

Posted: Fri Apr 05, 2013 10:01 am

The Reverend Lad wrote:

Quote:

So far so good you have prove to me that you are a honest man who God has sent to come and fulfill the last wish of a dying lady thank you very much and may God bless you endless Amen

I just had to do a slight rewrite on a classic line:

Quote:

I've been from one side of the world to another and I have seen a lot of beautiful things and a lot of horrible things, but I've never seen anything to make me believe that there's a supreme being controlling everything. No mythical entity controls my destiny; I make my own decisions.

Posted: Fri Apr 05, 2013 10:31 am

One of my characters gets a bit 'tangetial' sometimes, which must've been very frustrating for this inheritance lad ;

Quote:

We want to confirm from you before we can make the transfer.
You are required to reconfirm the following information for verification and confirmation purposes:

1) Your Full Name:
2) Address:
3) Country:
4) Age:
5) Occupation:
6) Telephone Number:
7) Cell/Mobile Number:
8 ) Next Of Kin:

Miles A. Way's reply ;

Quote:

My Dear Friend,

I thought of you today when we went to the marina - (There was a father at the quayside playing with his four lovely children) - I hope this email finds you & yours well & happy ?
Sorry if my mails sometimes go off at a bit of a tangent - It's all been a bit wooly since the chandelier fell on poor Miss Hollly.
Anyway, I must away to collect a delivery of 'sconces' (whatever they may be !)

Pip Pip !

Miles A. Way

Posted: Fri Apr 05, 2013 11:40 am

Actually, one of my favorites is one I wrote to Ashley Williams (See Siggy line)

Quote:

Dear Ms. Ashley,
I'm forwarding the E-mails below from Mr. Rolland at the bank. I do
not believe I can finish this transaction. If you read the E-mails you
might believe as I am that Mr Rolland has been free-basing Little
Friskies (Or something) and is no longer playing with a full deck. He
is insisting on a Western Union payment of over $13,000.00!!! This is
after two successful bank to bank transfers. I would be locked up in
the loonie bin if I walked into a Western Union store and tried to
send that much money at one time. Probably get robbed on the way out
of the store too. Anyway, I feel you need to get a different banker to
handle this transaction by bank transfer or I'm very sorry but I shall
recall my previous two transfers and be done with this mess.
Regards

Posted: Fri Apr 05, 2013 1:52 pm

More goofy quotes from my fishing character:

Quote:

Your Email Address has been picked online to Yahoo Computer Lottery as a winner of 1.5m pounds. The draws were conducted from an exclusive list of 13lucky emails of individual and corporate bodies picked by an advanced automated random computer search.

How much is 1.5m pounds in grams?

Quote:

Reff number……………………YBM-EBS-710AF

Do you mean "reef number"? Where is it located? Is the fishing good?

Quote:

Note: you have 15 days from now to claim your swift-take or else it will roll to next draw which will be coming up up on December 10th 2011.

Sorry, I don't know about swift-takes. I'm an ichthyologist. You'd be better off asking my ornithologist friend Seymour Robbins.

Posted: Fri Apr 05, 2013 11:42 pm

Once upon a time I was Baiting this Lad who had the unfortunate last name of Jack. Once he admitted that he was indeed the Brother of Billy Jack I went to work. Sadly a Big Ass Vacation ended it all before 'The BJ Institute' was built:

Quote:

As I cannot attend this event personally, I will need photographic evidence of the Ceremony. Each placard should be hand written with a couplet of verse and all participants must be at least nineteen years of age or older( The BJ Institute only accepts persons of legal age although it's Charity work extends to all).

Coupled with the above requirements, we will also need a man dressed as a 'Tin Soldier' for the Dedication. He should be riding a horse ( as Billy Jack loved horses) but a Goat or a Bicycle will work if necessary. Lastly, we will require a banner that reads BJS TASTE GOOD since one of Billy's passions ( as you obviously know) was cooking. A culinary school is at the top of the list for our Institute.

Posted: Sat Apr 06, 2013 3:09 pm

Dodging sending transaction receipt I sent this to the lad this morning.

Quote:

Xxxxx and I are in Liverpool for The Grand National are you here too? If so pop along to our private box no. 69 all the partners are here with the exception of the McCafferty’s because they’ve just had the baby if you remember.

Anyway back to business xxxx xxxxxxx said the xxxxxxxxxx have to click on the link to confirm the details of the transaction i.e. xxxxxxxxx xxxxxxx xxxxxxxx etc. Xxxx said it’s simples to use as he paid his loan fees using xxxxxxx no problemo.

Anyway got to go our butler has just brought in Champagne and Canapés and my bestest favourite a hedgehog of cheese & pineapple on a stick.

Posted: Thu Apr 11, 2013 8:54 pm

Sent this to my Lovelad/Conference Lad:

Quote:

Dear Sir or Madman,
I have downloaded the forms and will send them to you tomorrow.
Regards,

Must be Mad if he thinks he's getting any money from me. LOL.

Posted: Fri Apr 12, 2013 4:18 am

Got this:

Quote:

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN, ARE YOU DEAD OR ALIVE?

This Oughta Work:

Quote:

Thank you so much for your concern. Yes I was dead but got better. Please have these Criminals arrested so that I may proceed with this Business at hand.

Posted: Fri Apr 12, 2013 5:25 am

When I catch a lad I don't really feel like baiting, I never ignore them. I fire off something I hope will be insulting enough to convince them never to email me again. I mainly do this with romance lads since they don't interest me.

The following have all been successful at getting them to drop me:

Quote:

I have a better idea; how about you keep the $2.8 million and get a nose job?

Or in response to one who was trying to "escape the country with her 6 year old brother":

Quote:

What in God's name is wrong with that child's face?

(I actually regret this one because I glanced at the thumbnail before firing off that message; I later looked at the picture and found the child actually did have a deformity Sad

)

After being told "no" when asking for a loan of $100 billion so I could build a fleet of X-wings:

Quote:

Oh, your maximum financing is $500,000? Well, can I just take out 200,000 of those?

And I've been waiting for an opportunity to share this utterly bizarre exchange:

"Tom Hardy" wrote:

GIVE ME YOUR PERSONAL MAIL ADDRESS YOUR PERSONAL PHONE NUMBER YOUR FULL DETAILS SO THAT I WILL GET IN TOUCH WITH YOU

Booty Liquor wrote:

Are you the real Tom Hardy??

Tom Hardy wrote:

YES

Quote:

I'm so excited to hear from you! I'm sorry I'm being crazy. What can I do for you, Mr. Hardy?

Bart

Tom Hardy wrote:

ALL I NEED FROM YOU IS YOUR PERSONAL PHONE NUMBER YOUR ,PERSON MAIL YAHOO YOUR STATE JUST YOUR PERSONAL DETAILS SO THAT I CAN CONTACT YOU

I fired off a reply with a .readnotify so I could find out where the hell this guy is from, only to find out that my trial expired today Confused

I've just got to know what this one is up to.

Posted: Sat Apr 13, 2013 2:10 pm

This Lad was leading with this chin writing to Cammy thus:

Quote:

Dear Sir,
No invoice is being issued until the company requirements are met,then you will be given a receipt for the payment.
Make the payment within the time frame given, to avoid cancellation of your application request.

So (emphasis in original):

Quote:

First off, I'm a woman.
Secondly, you will give me an invoice, and you will provide an account to receive the fee.
Thirdly - don't make stupid threats and don't ever try to fuck with me.

Well, come on, she's the business partner of Mikhail Khordokovskiy; how else should she behave when crossed?

Baiting Guru Joined: 28 Feb 2013 Posts: 3152

My attempt to get a third piggy from this Dakar Darling's banker.

Quote:

Are you telling me that this new account is no good either? I haven't been able to make the transfer because of a T-1000 malware incursion in Los Angeles which corrupted the new Skynet series of servers at Cyberdyne Systems, who happen at the moment to be paying me as a consultant. As a result, I and several hundred technicians, have barely been able to stop work long enough to grab food or sleep over the past two days. I think we finally have the answer to stop this vicious malware attack on the company through the use of liquid nitrogen cooling the servers down sufficently to slow the spread of this virus throughout the network. This hopefully will allow us time to come up with an answer from disectting remnants of the T-600 virus we believe could contain the answer. As to the bank transfer, if you provide a valid account I'll make the transaction on Monday. Now I need to email me future wife as to where I've been the last few days.

Posted: Wed Apr 17, 2013 11:00 am

My Love Pierra sends me the first bank account:

Quote:

ACCOUNT NAME: WILLIAM ROBINSON
ACCOUNT NUMBER: 0531 3139 -321
SWIFT CODE: BOFMCAM2
BANK CODE 001
BANK'S NAME: BANK OF MONTREAL
ADDRESS: 606 2ND.ST.S.E.MEDICINE HAT,ALBERTA CANADA. T1A OC9

Of course I delay for a few days then tell her that the account has been Red-flagged and ask for another account. She sends me this one:

Quote:

ACCOUNT NAME: WILLIAM ROBINSON
ACCOUNT NUMBER: 0001 05319 3139 321
SWIFT CODE: PNBPUS3NNYC
BANK CODE: 001
BANK'S NAME: BANK OF MONTREAL
ADDRESS: 606 2ND.ST.S.E.MEDICINE HAT,ALBERTA CANADA. T1A OC9

After sending it to Alan I googled the swift code and find it belongs to Wells Fargo New York.

Quote:

Dear Pierra,
I have printed out the information and will take it to the bank tomorrow.
Satter

Quote:

Dear Satter,

Thanks for confirming the receipt of the ratifide account information. Please try and do it at your brake time tomorrow so that we can still be able to finalise the paper work within this week.

I will be waiting for the payment confirmation slip tomorrow.

See you soon

Remain blessed

Pierra

Quote:

Dear Pierra,
There was another problem at the bank. The account number and swift
code was correct but the bank name and account owner's name was not
correct. The bank Manager said he could add the correct information. I
have attached the payment slip for the money I sent to your account.
Love,
Satter

And send a bank transfer slip in the name of Jerome Mcgomer, dropping the leading zeros in the account number, and with a destination Bank of Wells Fargo New York.

Quote:

Dear Satter,

I received your mail with the attached payment slip. But I am very surprise that you said that the bank name and account name was not correct, if so which bank did you made the payment to in Canada? And who is JEROME MCGOMER ?

Please send me the bank name and address which you transferred money to?

Secondly, which bank is WELLSFARGO NEW YORK ?

Please clarify me because I am completly confused.

Waiting

Pierra

Lad confusion......To be turned into pain when I tell her I sent the money to the Account Number and Swift Code she provided.

Posted: Wed Apr 17, 2013 10:29 pm

My character who lives on St. Kilda, a tiny island 70 miles off the west coast of Scotland sent the following to my latest loan lad:

Quote:

I will try to get to the bank early next week, but unfortunately it will not be easy. The whole island is in lockdown mode at the moment as a result of the atrocities carried out in Boston. The authorities are terrified that the same may happen at our annual school sports day which is to be held a week tomorrow.

His reply:

Quote:

ok, I will be waiting for the update payment next week

Baiting Guru Joined: 28 Feb 2013 Posts: 3152

A very old excuse but still amusing

Quote:

I would happily do so, but unfortunately as I was rushed I had to take a clients rotweiler called Havoc with me, he is quite a handful and as I left the bank with the confirmation slip in my hand he bounded up and grabbed it. By the time I retrieved it from him their was not much left I'm afraid. But as I said previously the funds should show in the account by Tuesday at the latest, so please feel free to contact me when you recieve them.

I still can't believe I got away with this.

Posted: Tue Apr 23, 2013 10:23 am

Quote:

Hi.

I have been so busy with a new film, I was unable to reply. I have to travel back to Nigeria to do a few scenes. It has been hectic although the director is a pain in the ass. Movie directors are people who where too short to make it as actors. Gosh you should see this country. It is crazy. I have to hire a few people for back ground scenes in the film and my god, what a lazy lot, like who would turn down $500 a day to stand around and be in a background scene for a nature film. It is un believeable. But what I most look forward too after my return from Africa is a dry fart.

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