Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day

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Posted: Mon Nov 26, 2012 7:47 pm

An 80-year-old Scotsman went to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor was amazed at what good shape the old fellow was in and asked: 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'
'I am Scottish and I am a golfer,' said the old fellow: 'and that is why I am in such good shape.
I am up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a wee glass of whisky, and that's it.'
'Well,' said the doctor, 'I am sure that helps, but there has to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?
'Who said my Dad died?' The doctor was amazed. 'You mean you are 80 years old and your Dad is still alive? How old is he?'
He is 100 years old,' said the old Scottish golfer. 'In fact he golfed wi' me this mornin', and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had anither wee dram and that is why he is still alive.
He is a Scot and he is a golfer, too.'
'Well,' the doctor said, 'that is great, but I am sure there is more to it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?'
'Who said my Grandad is dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asked, 'You mean you are 80 years old and your grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?'
'He is 118 years old,' said the old Scottish golfer.
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point:
'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?' '
No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin' because he is getting married today'
At this point the doctor was close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old bloke want to get married?'
'Who said he wanted to?'

Posted: Thu Nov 29, 2012 8:37 pm

Love Story

I will seek and find you.

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be
Relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The Flu

Now get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!

Baiting Guru Joined: 31 Jan 2007 Posts: 12237

Clever marketing.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lD9FAOPBiDk

Posted: Sat Dec 01, 2012 4:38 pm

Son said to Dad “I'm Gay.”
Dad looks at his other son and said “What about you?”
The other son said “Me too Dad.”
Dad said “F--- me, doesn't anyone in this f------ family like pussy?”
The Daughter said “I do…”

Posted: Sat Dec 01, 2012 4:39 pm

Dave was staring sadly into his beer and sighed heavily. "What's up Dave?" asked the bartender. "It's not like you to be
so down in the mouth." "It's my five-year-old son, Little Johnny"

the man replied. "Don't tell me, he's in trouble for fighting in school? My boy's just the same.
Forget about it; it happens to boys that age," said the bartender, sympathetically.

"I only wish it was that," answered Dave, "but it's much worse. He got our 16-year-old baby sitter pregnant."

"That's impossible!" gasped the bartender.

"No, it's not." said Dave."The little s**t stuck a pin in all my condoms."

Posted: Tue Dec 04, 2012 6:57 pm

ROMANCE An older couple were lying in bed one night
The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood,
and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting.."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me.."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek,
and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck..."

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked..

"To get my teeth!"

Posted: Tue Dec 04, 2012 7:01 pm

ONIONS & CHRISTMAS TREES

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father,
'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?'

The father, surprised, answers,
'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:

In her 20's, they are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry'.

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,
'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,
'Well dear, a man goes through three phases:

In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After 50, it is like a Christmas Tree'.

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes - the root's dead and the balls are just for decoration'.

Posted: Tue Dec 04, 2012 7:10 pm

An Arab Sheikh was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery.

Prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood type in case the need arose.

As he had a rare blood type, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located with a similar blood type and he willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

Immediately after the surgery- to show his appreciation for giving his blood - the Arab sent the Scotsman

a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.

A couple of weeks later the Arab had to go through more corrective surgery.

His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsmana thank-you card & a box of Quality Street chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked, so he phoned the Arab & said: "I thought you would be generous again,

but you only gave me a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street."

"Aye laddie," the Arab replied: " But I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".

Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2012 3:19 am

WOMEN'S REVENGE

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'

Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2012 5:39 pm

Aw So Romantic !!!!!!!!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dYslhL71k1M

Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2012 6:19 pm

About this time of the year, we taxpayers will again be receiving another 'Winter Fuel’ payment. This is indeed a very exciting programme, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is an 'Winter Fuel’ payment ?
A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase gas and electricity...or a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. Economy by spending your 'Winter Fuel’ cheque wisely:

* If you spend the money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China , Taiwan or Sri Lanka ...

* If you spend it on petrol, your money will go to the Arabs...

* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China ...

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala ....
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea

* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan ...

* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in the UK by: 1) Spending it at car boot sales, or 2) Going to night clubs, or 3) Spending it on prostitutes,
or 4) Buying beer or whisky, or 5) Get yourself a Tattoo or 6) Visit a bookie. (These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )

Conclusion: Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night !

Posted: Sat Dec 08, 2012 6:57 pm

A big game hunter went on a safari with his wife and mother-in-law.

One morning, while still deep in the jungle, the hunter's wife awakened to find her mother gone.

She woke her husband, and they both set off in search of the old woman.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight. The mother-in-law was standing face to face with a ferocious lion.

What are we going to do?" his horrified wife asked.

"Nothing," her husband replied, "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

Posted: Sat Dec 08, 2012 7:00 pm

Posted: Sun Dec 09, 2012 6:25 pm

Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the
reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I
would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for
Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones
* *

Dear Timmy,
Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all
fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the
time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn’t want you to
get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll bring you
something you can go outside and play with.*
Merry Christmas,*
Santa Claus***
* *

Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the “naughty vs. Nice” contract,
set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to
granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to turn this
joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don’t you think that a jibe at
my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit
trite?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones
* *

Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria,
need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it
a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action,
well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney’s have been
on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be
more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I
alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social
skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the
bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
S Claus
* *

Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was
attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends
into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I’m about to tweet my boys
and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I’m taking my game console,
my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
T-Bone
* *

Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on
one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? “He sees
you when you’re sleeping; He knows when you’re awake”. Sound familiar,
genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your
**** wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people
that if I described them right now, you’d throw up your Totino’s pizza roll
all over the carpet of your mom’s basement. You’re not getting what you
asked for, but I’m still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in
you’re ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
S Clizzy
* *

Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything.
Timmy
* *

Timmy,
That’s what I thought you little bastard.
Santa

Posted: Sun Dec 09, 2012 6:27 pm

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman said to the lady, 'Your choice. Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat!

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years. They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, 'Up or down?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down?'

The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady,’ Up or down?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, 'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were f*ck or drown!

Posted: Mon Dec 10, 2012 9:02 pm

There was a bit of confusion at the gun store this morning.

When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets the cashier said, "Strip down , facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to Harper about the gun registry people running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!

Posted: Tue Dec 11, 2012 8:03 am

^ Um, VM, you posted that joke just a fornight ago...

I had eighteen bottles of whisky in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else.
I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.
I pulled the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, except for one glass, which I drank.
I then pulled the cork from the second bottle and did the same, except for one glass, which I drank.
I then pulled the cork from the third bottle and poured the whisky down the sink, which I drank.
I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.
I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.
I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle.
Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.

Posted: Tue Dec 11, 2012 7:24 pm

Old Man McGuinty. Been laughing at this for years....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gTFehgGHHhs&NR=1&feature=endscreen

Posted: Wed Dec 12, 2012 9:58 pm

man in Evesham has just had his Tax Return rejected by HMRC because he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly. In response to the question 'Do you have anyone dependant on you?' the man wrote:-

"2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crackheads, 4.4 million unemployable Jeremy Kyle scroungers, 90,000 criminals in over 85 prisons, plus 649 self serving lying ponces in our Parliament and the entire European Commission".

The HMRC stated that the response he gave was unacceptable.

The man's response back to HMRC was "Who did I miss out?"

Posted: Thu Dec 13, 2012 3:43 pm

Husband: Oh, come on.
Wife: Leave me alone!
Husband: It won't take long.
Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Husband: I can't sleep without it.
Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Husband: Because I'm hot.
Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Husband: You don't love me anymore.
Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Husband: Please...go on.
Wife: All right, I'll do it.
Husband: What's the matter? You need a flashlight?
Wife: I can't find it in the dark.
Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Wife: There! Are you satisfied?
Husband: Oh, yes.
Wife: Is it up far enough?
Husband: Yeah! that's good.
Wife: Right! Now go to sleep.And the next time you want the bloody window open, do it yourself..

*** BANNED *** Joined: 26 Jul 2012 Posts: 1123

Sincerely,

Your bored tech support staffer. Confused

Posted: Sun Dec 16, 2012 5:26 am

Posted: Tue Dec 18, 2012 5:21 am

I'm not particularly sure why this made me giggle so much

Posted: Sun Dec 23, 2012 10:33 am

Smart Answers

6th Place

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.

'What are my choices?' the man asked.

'Yes or no,' she replied

5th Place

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without blinking an eyelid she said,

'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'

4th Place

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The assistant replied, ' I'm afraid not, they're dead.'

3rd Place

The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.

'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.

The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'

When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

2nd Place

A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.

A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'

Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.

Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up.

The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab

And said to the driver,

'Got stuck, eh?'

The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'

SMART **** ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2012

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,

'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,

'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.

Posted: Sun Dec 23, 2012 10:38 am

An Irish farmer named Seamus had an accident with a lorry ,and was suing the lorry company,
In court their hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus..

Solicitor

'Now didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' .

Seamus

'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the...'

Solicitor

'I didn't ask for any details', 'Just answer the question. Did you not tell the police officer, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus

'Well, I had just got Bessie into the sidecar and I was driving down the road....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said,

'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor:

'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded.

'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the sidecar and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit me right in the side.
I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt very bad like, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came charging across the road, gun still in hand, looked me up and down, and said,

'How badly are you hurt?'

'Now tell me, just what the f***k would you have answered'?

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