Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day

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Posted: Mon Aug 13, 2012 8:53 pm

Oh, what the heck... one more.

Little Johnny was incorrigible. He was constantly getting in fights, disrupting class, and getting in trouble in a thousand different ways. His parents were at their wits end and ready to try anything. Their priest suggested they place the boy in a Catholic boarding school. Out of ideas, Johnny's parents agreed even though they were sure this was a waste of time.

A week after placing Johnny in the school, they went back for their first visit, fully expecting bad news. Johnny and his parents met in the Headmaster's office. The Headmaster said Johnny had been a model student and was very pleased with his behavior.

The parent's were stunned. They turned to Johnny and asked, "Johnny, this is great news! Please, tell us what has caused such a wonderful change in you?"

Johnny pointed to the large crucifix on the Headmaster's wall and replied in a small voice, "The first thing they did when I came here was show me that guy nailed to the cross and I knew meant business."

Hello I'm New here! Joined: 12 Jul 2012 Posts: 2

How Would You Answer These Four Questions?

90 percent of adults get every one wrong. But preschoolers do well!

--courtesy of C.W.F., Shaker Heights, Ohio (as printed in The Old Farmer’s Almanac 2011)

QUESTION 1: How would you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. (This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.)

QUESTION 2: How would you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

The correct answer: Same as above? Wrong. Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant, and close the door. (This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.)

QUESTION 3: The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All animals attend, except one. Which animal does not attend?

The correct answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. (This tests your memory.)

QUESTION 4: There is a river you must cross, but it is known to be frequented by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage?

The correct answer: You jump into the river and swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the animal conference. (This tests whether you learn from your mistakes.)

So…how well did you do?

Hello I'm New here! Joined: 12 Jul 2012 Posts: 2

Excerpts from my Dog's Daily Diary:

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from my Cat's Daily Diary:

Day 683 of my captivity:

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the floor.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates of what I am capable. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. The audacity!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded!

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe…for now.

Posted: Wed Sep 05, 2012 7:13 pm

David Cameron was visiting a Scottish primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr. Cameron if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered, "If ma best freen, wha’ lives on a ferm, is playin' in the field and a tractor rins ower him and kills him, that wid be a tragedy."

"Incorrect", said David, in his best trying-not-to-sound-too-Scottish-accent, "That would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand, "If a school bus kerryin' fifty children drove ow’r a cliff, killing a'body inside, that wid be a tragedy"

'I'm afraid not', explained David, "that's what we would refer to as a great loss’’.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. David searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, a wee lad raised his hand and, in a quiet voice, said: "If a plane kerryin' you and your deputy ' wiz struck by a 'freendly fire' missile & blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed David, "and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Weel", says the lad, "it has tae be a tragedy, because it certainly widnae be a great loss, and it probably widnae be a f*cking accident either!"

Posted: Thu Sep 13, 2012 8:35 pm

The day was dark.
The sky was blue.
Around the corner the Shit-Wagon flew.
It hit a bump.
A scream was heard.
A woman was killed by a flying Turd!!

Posted: Mon Sep 17, 2012 8:40 pm

A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.

The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his ambition to be a great shot...

‘Could you give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high - tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?'

'Sure * will '

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

'That's terrific!' said the cowboy. 'Got any more tips?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it - that’ll give you a smoother draw'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'You * bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much!

Posted: Thu Sep 20, 2012 2:16 am

Cabby pulls over and picks up a nun. he looks in the rear view mirror and said sister i have to say ive always had a fantasy of being with a nun.
she says "yeah you and everybody else"... " are you catholic"? he says yeah i'm catholic... she says "pull over" he pulls over and she gets in the front seat and gives him the best BJ he's ever had... afterwards he feels a bit guilty and says "sister i have a confession to make, im not really a catholic"... she says " dont sweat it, my name is gary and im on my way to a costume party"

Posted: Thu Sep 20, 2012 2:21 am

A polish guy and an italian get a job with the phone company installing telephone poles. At the end of the 1st day the foreman asks the Italian "how many poles did you install"? he said 12... he asks the polish guy the same... he said 2... 2??? he installed 12.... polish guy says "yeah but look how far his are sticking out of the ground"

Not quite a Newb Joined: 13 Sep 2012 Posts: 23

Chemistry joke... Razz

In the restaurant, one lad ordered H2O. The other lad ordered H2O too. The latter died.

Baiting Guru Joined: 31 Jan 2007 Posts: 12237

Funniest thing I have seen in a while, brilliant!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=phFISjORzQs

Posted: Sat Sep 29, 2012 6:00 am

If you are a senior you will understand this one,
if you deal with seniors,
this should help you understand them a little better,
and if you are not a senior yet........
God willing, someday you will be......

The £2.99 Special

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special'
was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for £2.99.

'Sounds good,' my wife said.
'But I don't want the eggs.'

'Then, I'll have to charge you £3.49
because you're ordering a la carte,'
the waitress warned her.

'You mean I'd have to pay
for not taking the eggs?'
my wife asked incredulously.

'YES!' stated the waitress.

'I'll take the special then,'
my wife said..

'How do you want your eggs?'
the waitress asked.

'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied.

She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!

Posted: Sat Sep 29, 2012 7:55 am

^^^ Very Funny! Laughing

I have been coughing all day. I think I caught a virus off the internet.

Posted: Tue Oct 09, 2012 7:49 am

Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan
--------------------------------
Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Irish Railway Company
-----------------------------------
Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.
That.... Gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan.

Posted: Tue Oct 09, 2012 8:26 am

^Another Finnegan (maybe a relative) worked for a railway company (maybe the same company).

While he was a competent worker, he had the habit of writing long, detailed, multi-page reports on any incident, and finally head office told him, "Finnegan, keep those incident reports short and to the point!"

So one day a light engine comes off the line; nobody is hurt and the engine is soon put back on the track and is back in operation. Finnegan then gets out pen, ink, and a ream of paper, but just in time remembers: "Short and to the point!"

So what head office receives is:
Off again, on again, gone again.
Finnegan.

Posted: Sun Oct 21, 2012 8:34 am

Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their
various disorders.

"I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, "But I guess it is impossible."

"I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a baby in three months."

"You must tell me what you did."

"I went to a faith healer."

"But I've tried that. My husband and I
went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit."

The other woman smiled and whispered, "Try going alone, next time, dearie."

Posted: Wed Oct 24, 2012 10:46 am

Re historical transport, Moses had a motorcycle in biblical times:

Quote:

the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills

And God drove Adam and Eve out of the garden of Eden in a Fury - so he drove a Plymouth back then.

Webcam of the day - watch live as tourists from around the world hold up the traffic on the crossing on Abbey Road, where the Beatles album cover photo was shot.

http://www.abbeyroad.com/Crossing

Posted: Wed Oct 24, 2012 5:22 pm

^^^ Crap! They're all driving on the wrong side of the road there!

Posted: Thu Oct 25, 2012 9:15 am

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio , Texas leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... Never really wanted to.."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.

Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.

The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 10 gauge barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir...... But.. I've always wanted to."

Posted: Wed Oct 31, 2012 1:01 am

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming,
so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some orange
and grapefruit trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there
for a while and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

Some old men can still think fast.. Laughing

Baiting Guru Joined: 19 Mar 2007 Posts: 2628

From Edinburgh last night

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O-YNkN-6usk&feature=plcp

Posted: Mon Nov 19, 2012 7:54 pm

A U.S. Social association created this little entertainment:
You need to type the address in the magic ball (Number, Street, City or Post code)
( or an address anywhere in the world) and shake it... The house appears in the snow.

http://www.draftfcb.com/holiday2011/

Posted: Tue Nov 20, 2012 1:16 pm

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues,"When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.

WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,slapping his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

Posted: Wed Nov 21, 2012 6:52 am

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer,
"This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks,
"Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber.
"That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar the game's over!"

*** BANNED *** Joined: 26 Jul 2012 Posts: 1123

http://screen.yahoo.com/onions-extremely-accurate-history-internet-235209925.html

Posted: Sun Nov 25, 2012 9:45 pm

There was a bit of confusion at the gun store this morning.

When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets the cashier said, "Strip down , facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to Harper about the gun registry people running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!

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