They Do Read, but Don't Understand

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Posted: Mon Jul 02, 2012 2:57 pm

A mugu has offered me funds for use to further my religion. I wrote back eager to accept his offer, and promising to use the funds for morally uplifting activities. Here is his reply (I have not posted my e-mail to him, but his reply should explain what 'morally uplifting' activities my church is involved in):

Quote:

THIS IS TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE RECEIPT OF CLAIMING A DORMANT ACCOUNT OF ($19,500,000MILLION USD) BELONGING TO OUR LATE RUSSIAN AMERICAN CUSTOMER MR &&&&&&& WHO DIED WITH HIS FAMILY IN A CAR ACCIDENT.

I HAVE SUBMIT YOUR INFORMATION TO THE BANK AND THE TOLD ME THAT THE WILL CONTACT YOU.SO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO IS TO ACT AS THE NEXT OF KIN TO COME UP FOR THIS CLAIM THIS FUND AND I WILL SEND YOU ALL THE DOCUMENTS NEEDED OF CLAIM THIS FUND BUT ONE THING YOU WILL NOT LET THE BANK KNOW THAT I GAVE YOU ALL THE INFORMATION OF CLAIM THIS FUND OK.

BUT HEN THIS FUND GETS INTO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT I WILL COME AND MEET YOU IN YOUR COUNTRY.YOU HAVE TO KNOW THAT I WILL GIVE YOU 40% AND 65% IS FOR ME.

THIS FUND WILL BE OK TO OPEN BROTHELS OF MY CHURCH IN ENGLAND ALSO SUFFICIENT TO OPEN, STAFF, AND PROVIDE START UP COSTS FOR ABOUT 5 BROTHELS.

SUFFICIENT FOR PAYING START UP COSTS, EACH BROTHEL WILL COST ABOUT 130,000 POUNDS PER MONTH TO OPERATE AND SUFFICIENT FOR HOWEVER, THE REVENUES PER MONTH FROM A WELL-MANAGED BROTHEL SHOULD BE IN THE RANGE OF 275,000 TO 350,-000 POUNDS PER MONTH. LOCATION

SUFFICIENT FOR 2 LOCATIONS IN LONDON, ONE IN BIRMINGHAM, AND 1 LOCATION IN PORTSMOUTH.

THIS HAS OVER STAYED IN OUR COFFER HERE AND WE HAVE WAITED FOR THE NEXT OF KIN TO COME UP FOR THIS CLAIM ACCORDANCE TO OUR ALLIED AND BANKING MATTERS OF 1962 AS AMENDED IN 1996, SUCH CLAIM FROM THIS BANK ARE DETERMINABLE WITH THIS CATEGORY A OFICIAL QUESTIONNAIRE THEREFORE I WILL ADVISED TO SEND TO ME THE ACCURATE INFORMATION NEEDED FROM YOU AS IT WAS BEFOR I WILL SUBMIT TO THE BANK OK. I NEED YOUR PHONE NUMBER SO THAT I WILL CALL YOU OK.

COUNTRY;

WAITING TO SEE YOUR APPLACATION.

Bruin

Posted: Mon Jul 02, 2012 3:07 pm

BRUIN wrote:

THIS FUND WILL BE OK TO OPEN BROTHELS OF MY CHURCH IN ENGLAND ALSO SUFFICIENT TO OPEN, STAFF, AND PROVIDE START UP COSTS FOR ABOUT 5 BROTHELS

God bless you. Laughing

Hello I'm New here! Joined: 10 Jun 2012 Posts: 19

Quote:

.YOU HAVE TO KNOW THAT I WILL GIVE YOU 40% AND 65% IS FOR ME.

Maths isn't his strong point either.
Laughing

Elite Baiter Joined: 19 Jan 2009 Posts: 1440

A church brothel! How very original of you.

Mugu is obviously too damn lazy to look up the word "brothel", which I'm sure will continue to create much mirth! Very Happy

Posted: Mon Jul 02, 2012 6:25 pm

I had to buy a little time to find someone to handle a phone call (Inspector Gadget has graciously offered to help out) so here is my delay;

Quote:

Please be patient with me a day or two... We have had an issue arise at a church brothel which I am having to deal with. As you are no doubt aware, the church has a strict minimum age for participation in any religious activities in our church brothels (usually age 12). Anyway, somebody has erred and allowed some 10 and 11 year olds to participate. I am not, myself, too upset, but the church counsel is bloody furious. I am running up to Leeds to see what can be done to fix the situation. I should be able to get back to you in a day or two, and then we can talk on the phone.

Bruin

Posted: Mon Jul 02, 2012 6:56 pm

A Church run brothel?

A place where "kneeling for prayer" and 'supplicating oneself' can have totally different meanings. Very Happy

Posted: Mon Jul 02, 2012 11:06 pm

Oh, brothel! How many qadeshot will each have? Are you going to follow the zonah ordinances?

"Qadeshah" means a woman who is holy to some god; as the worship of some Semitic gods involved sex, it's translated "shrine prostitute". A zonah is an ordinary prostitute. Both words occur in Hosea 4:14.

Posted: Tue Jul 03, 2012 3:04 pm

The bait continues. Inspector Gadget will handle a phone call presently. In the interim, my character is still bogged down in Leeds, tending to a crisis of church discipline.

In the meantime, the "foreign remittance department" of the bank has contacted my character:

Quote:

his is to acknowledge the receipt of your application of claim tendered to our bank, as the next of kin to MR. LARRY **** ***** claim over his balance with this bank US$19,500.000.00. Be informed that it have been submitted to the board of directors of this bank for through scrutiny and approval is obtained you will be communicated on the procedures involved in having your inherited funds released.

This funds has over stayed in our coffer here and we have waited for the next of kin to come up for this claim Accordance to our Allied and banking matters of 1962 as amended in 1996, such claim from this bank are determinable with this CATEGORY A OFICIAL QUESTIONNAIRE Therefore you are advised to send to us the accurate information needed from you as it was written in the deceased secret file jacket, any mistake might lead non-approval of your tendered application of claim. The questions are.

1/ HIS DEPOSIT CERTIFICATE

2/ POWER OF ATTORNEY

3/ YOUR FULL CONTACT INFORMATION

5/ BANK ACCOUNT INFORMATION

6/ TELEPHONE/FAX NUMBER

7/ YOUR OCCUPATION

8/ YOU’RE ID CARD PASSPORT.

Note that the deceased has a "secret file jacket". I assume he wears this with lots of pockets for his secret files.

But, as mentioned, the baiting character is busy with a crisis of faith and a breach of church law in Leeds, and cannot be too bothered with this right now.

Bruin

Posted: Tue Jul 03, 2012 5:11 pm

wheres this brothel church and where do i join?????????

Posted: Tue Jul 03, 2012 9:20 pm

Joining is not a problem! You will need to obtain the official church tattoo, then build a pyramid of faith in your back yard. This is followed by a safari -- - strike that, I mean a 'pilgrimage' to a holy place located in Chad.

You will then be fully admitted to all benefits of church membership.

Bruin

Posted: Tue Jul 03, 2012 9:28 pm

do you accept verbal proof for these requirements?. coz if you do, ive done em all Cool

Posted: Tue Jul 03, 2012 9:30 pm

No, we have to have video, which has to be approved by the Membership Undertaking, Guidance, and Uplift Committee ("MUGU"). Obviously, if the video record of your accomplishments is not 100% satisfactory, it will have to be done again.

Bruin

Posted: Wed Jul 04, 2012 7:19 pm

Update - Inspector Gadget is going to field phone calls. I have told the mugu not to try to call until Friday (since my baiting character is still traveling, in Leeds, dealing with a church crisis involving underage participation in brothel rituals). My character should be home on Friday, and will be able to field a phone call by then.

Bruin

Hello I'm New here! Joined: 10 Jun 2012 Posts: 19

Well, I've been to Egypt on holiday, so I reckon I must meet the requirements of the Pyramid and the pilgrimage. I also have a tattoo.. Does the official church tattoo include my name anywhere on the said tattoo? If so I've met the requirements for joining and therefore request that I'm inducted into the brothel immediately.
(PS, I do have several videos, mostly recordings of Coronation St and Eastenders, although there are a few CSI Miami ones too) Laughing

Posted: Thu Jul 05, 2012 1:20 pm

Your church needs an experienced Madam to educate the girls in their duties, and to protect underage girls from exploitation.

Posted: Wed Jul 11, 2012 7:04 pm

Update - the bait continues. The church crisis in Leeds (which was a nice stalling tactic!) has finally been resolved. It turns out that the two 10 and 11 year old boys participated in church rituals with full parental consent, and are quite mature for their age....

The mugu has been pressing for ID and bank account info. I have been responding that my character is in Leeds and does not have that information. However, not that my character has returned home to Upper M3ndacity, he has hesitated to forward the requested info until AFTER a phone conversation occurs. Inspector Gadget has graciously offered to field the phone call.

Bruin

Posted: Fri Jul 13, 2012 8:49 am

It just shows they don't read... or don't care as long as there's some money in it.

That's what makes it all worth it for me: get those bastards

Posted: Thu Jul 19, 2012 2:54 pm

update - Inspector Gadget is up to bat! the mugu has provided a phone number, and I am pm'ing the good Inspector to make a call.

Bruin

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