Prophet Felix Wants to Build a Church

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Posted: Thu May 24, 2012 1:06 pm

I've got a lad who thinks he's a Prophet and wants me to give him some moola so he can build a church.

Quote:

attention dear, (who's this twonk calling 'dear'?)

am prophet Felix wnafor o, the found and genera overseer on great chapel ministri international here in west Ghana,
i am looking for your cooperation in building a church, i am sorry if this is not in line with your business, i need an experienced person like you to asist me to set up develop the project on the resumption of the project fund release, you will be made a director for the role and assistance you rendered as,

soon as the fund remit to your business as the beneficiary, you will also be entitled to a percentage agreed upon between me and you,
litter about the church three thousand people sit each servers we have in a week,
and we are still looking forward, i find your email contact on christian email contact]

Please accept this Thanksgiving, just a prayer in order, , with the feeling of having to contribute a kind of happiness. The choice may seem surprising ... do not worry. contact me back for the further,
your immediate reply will be highly appreciated and i shall give you more information on this project,]

am looking forward to hear from you very soon. Thank you for your time, I sincerely hope that your wish on this service will meet us in our needs and kindly establish term business relationship with you in future
am very much gland. by shearing this with you,
please after we establish the home of god, just give your self litter time, and go back to your result in life, it will never remain the same,
.
thanks and god bless,]

you are faithful;]

my contact number,- +233241396603
email, - [email protected]
kind regard]
prophet mbaonu?]

Enter the Reverend Ignatius Niblung Goosecreature....

Quote:

Dear Prophet Felix
Thank you for writing to me. I am very interested in your proposal. As a Reverend and Pastor in the Church which I founded in Christ's name after a vision came to me, The Church of the Bloody Mary, I am very excited to pass on the Word to all those whom God has chosen to hear it. I have built many Churches throughout the Godless Lands of Cornwall, Devon and Somerset over the last thirty years so I have a great deal of experience in these matters. We are a very wealthy Church and I would be very happy to give you all the assistance, both Spiritual and financial, that I can. I would only ask one thing in return...it is written in our Church's rules, given to me while I spoke with the Bloody Mary during my vision, that you must become a member of our Church in order for me to help you. If you consent to this, you will be Blessed in the eyes of The Bloody Mary and our Church and as such will be eligible for financial assistance in the building of your chosen projects up to a limit in the first year of £100,000 (one hundred thousand pounds Sterling).
I hope you will find this proposition to be what you hoped for.
May the Bloody Mary keep you safe.
God Bless you,

The Reverend Ignatius Niblung Goosecreature
The Church of the Bloody Mary
Polperrow
Cornwall
England

This gets the lad all exited...

Quote:

Praised praised praised holy Bloody Mary.

Thank you for your reply to my local community center, This really sound so good to me man of god Niblung,
i like this excellent opportunity after long time of my prayer and fasting, Jesus is alive, ysterday i receive your mail, i when back to the altar and spend time to prayer over you, because it take a eye of a prophet to see the goodness of god,
I’d like to be sure before we proceed any further with this project.

Thank you for providing additional details of ur self, how the proposal works. I believe I fully understand everything of you and I completely understand the urgency of acting quickly.

I look forward to receiving and reviewing the land agreement between me and kofi mensah, from my lawyer, barrister api Michael, ,
so we can begin to get things going quickly.

Now, as you previously requested, here is my photo and little information about
myself. My name is prophet nwafor Felix o, i was born on 18 may 1972,on my parents,grandfather, two unlcles, one aunt and one cousin were railway officers in great Accra region, i wanted to come a navy or air force but my eye are not the best once and i became a man of god[,married with 2 children).

Also like you to call me on my private phone line, 00233,279876527, the telephone number listed above is my direct, personal line,
and you may call me at this number anytime.

I also have one more request. Would you mind scanning and sending me
a copy of your identification photo
identity? I understand that this proposal is from holy mary, am happy,
more comfort with your please to send this photo to me. as soon as i done with my lawyer i will forward to you all the document regarding the land which i have locate,
god be with you,

My regards to your family]

nation prophet Felix]

As usual there's a barrister involved, but in his excitment, he's forgotten to send me his photo...

Quote:

Dear Prophet Felix
Thank you for your email. Please note that you have forgotten to attach your photo.
Can you please forward this to me as it will help me to visualise who I am working with on this great project.
I will offer my prayers for you to the Bloody Mary.
God Bless you

The Reverend Ignatius Niblung Goosecreature
The Church of the Bloody Mary
Polperrow
Cornwall
England

I get this in response...he's still on about his bloody lawyer and hasn't listened to a word the Reverend Gentleman has told him...

Quote:

hello, good morning lgnatius, how are you doing this morning, i hope your day are moving as well,
thanks so much my letter reply, yesterday i receive your reply i was very happy to send the photo back to you, but i have bad network i can not download, i hope you are not hurt my that sir, to day i will meet with my lawyer regarding the land document between me and kofi mensah, i will forward it to your email address,
thank you very much,
kind regard to your family,
nation prophet?

...and he sends me this.

So I try to get him off-script in the hope of having some fun...

Quote:

Hello Prophet Felix
I am very well thank you Felix, thank you for asking. Bless you for sending the photograph of yourself.
I fear however that we may be getting a little ahead of ourselves. As I told you in my first email I cannot help you with your project until you have become a member of the Church of the Bloody Mary. Please do not send me any paperwork for your land deal until we have completed the membership details.
If you consent to this course of action, I will then be in a position to send you any money required by your lawyer (up to the previously mentioned limit of £100,000 of course) in order to enact your land deal.
Please indicate your acceptance of this condition and we will begin the membership process.
Thank you for your understanding and may you receive the Bountiful Blessings of the Bloody Mary.

In Christ's Name,

The Reverend Ignatius Niblung Goosecreature
The Church of the Bloody Mary
Polperrow
Cornwall
England

This is the form I'm going to send him. A major rehash of something Shiver Metimbers used but which is pure gold. Hopefully I've done his idea justice.

I hope my lad goes for it...if he wants his hundred grand he'll have to. Twisted Evil

Posted: Thu May 24, 2012 1:24 pm

That's brilliant!

No horizontal refreshment except for purposes of procreation? Man, that means I can't join.

Posted: Fri May 25, 2012 2:43 pm

I've got a reply from Felix. Strange but his English seems a lot clearer now that I pointed out how bad it was. Someone else helping out perhaps?

Quote:

hello, good morning Ignatius
Jesus says, I am the good shepherd, the word kalos for good can be translated as beautiful or outstanding. The shepherd stands so far beyond the herd of sheep. It is visible from a distance for the sheep and the sheep crowd all around him. And when looking for all the sheep near the Shepherd, which is also an overall picture, gives the community something beautiful.

So it will be with us that the need is growing, I want to be close to the you, and hold The Church of the Bloody Mary strong, in the name of our Good Shepherd Jesus - because I want change allover and other nation around the world,

From this need comes, my desire is for to comes out with a good result also want the others nation to be found,
the lawyer will contact you very soon,
get back to me,
nation prophet?

He's still banging on about his lawyer sending me some crap about a land deal, but I have other plans for my lad. First I scam him with a load of old trousers about the founding of the Church of the Bloody Mary, then get to the hard sell...

Quote:

Good day Felix
My apologies Felix for sending this twice. I pressed the send button by mistake. I am old and not very good with computers. I will start again if you will permit me.

I am sorry I had to sign off without telling you very much last night. I had had a long day and was very tired.
Please be assured that I will talk to your lawyer, but as I have said before, not before you have become a member of the Church of the Bloody Mary. Our Church rules forbid us to give money and assistance to people who are not members. So I must ask that you join if I am to have any dealings with your lawyer and his land deal.
I must first give you an outline of our Church's origins...

It was 1969, in a crude meeting hall near the railway station in my home town of Polperrow in Cornwall, where the Church of the Bloody Mary can trace its roots. There, a group of eight sincere Christians of which I was one had a deep desire for a closer relationship and life with Christ. Realizing the futility of reforming existing churches, and after much prayer, I had a vision of the Virgin Mary which I and my fellows saw appear on the skin of a large tomato that was sitting in the fruit bowl in the centre of the table at which we were sitting. She urged us to start a new Church in Her name, to be called the Church of the Bloody Mary because of the redness of the tomato showing through Her spectral form, whose objective would be to restore sound scriptural doctrines of the Bible, encourage deeper consecration and promote evangelism and Christian service. She told us that our call to service through Her was to be known as "baiting" after her gathering of bait for the fishermen on the Sea of Gallilee, one of whom was our Lord. All our members are therefore said to have been "Baited by Bloody Mary". Forty-three years after the formation of our Christian Union that evening at the Polperrow Masons' Hall, our growing movement has established itself permanently as the Church of the Bloody Mary and placed the Tomato as its emblem in honour of the method through which the Virgin first showed Herself to us.
From this seemingly insignificant origin has grown one of the most influential Pentecostal denominations in the West Country of the United Kingdom. For 43 years the Church of the Bloody Mary has been a distinctive movement focused upon communicating the Gospel in the power of the Holy Spirit. Presently, the Church of the Bloody Mary has a UK wide membership of over 4,000 with a presence in nearly 150 towns in the Counties of Devon, Corwall and Somerset. Leaders of the Church of the Bloody Mary are recognized as some of the greatest Pentecostal leaders west of Bristol.

The call of the Church of the Bloody Mary today beckons back to those early days at Polperrow. Church of the Bloody Mary congregations around the West Country are experiencing the fire of the Holy Spirit today more than ever. Reports of revivals where gullible hypochondriacs are saved and filled with the Holy Spirit are frequent and continuing. The call of the Church of the Bloody Mary is for world evangelisation and although we are small, we are a highly social group that has great wealth thanks to our well heeled membership giving generously to our coffers at our numerous coffee mornings . It is a call to discipleship, prayer and cream teas. It is a call of commitment to unquestioning acceptance of Church doctrine. It is a call for the Church of the Bloody Mary to be a channel for Pentecostal revival well into the next decade.

As a result, membership is a highly prized and rarely granted honour which calls for great devotion. Anyone can attend our revival meetings but only those that show great devotion are called upon to join us. This devotion is demonstrated by our members in the form of a tattoo of a Tomato, applied to the left forearm, representing the first appearance of the Bloody Mary in 1969. We hold the Tomato as a holy symbol of God's love for us as a Church and as a result we are forbidden from eating these sacred fruit .

Membership of the Church has many benefits aside from the Communion with the Bloody Mary herself. As I said earlier we are a wealthy Church and members have the right to call upon our large bank balance for the furtherance of projects our Church deems suitable to the expansion of our ministry. You too Felix will have that right. £100,000 will be made available to you for your land deal and any other project you see fit to enact.

This last part is MOST important.

In order for you to become one of our number Felix you must fill in the Application Form I have attached to this email and send it back to me. Once it is received by me and approved as having been filled in correctly, signed and witnessed, you must next get your left forearm tattooed with the image of the sacred Tomato with the phrase "Baited by Bloody Mary" placed around it in the manner of the picture I have also attached to this email. This image is to be in colour and no smaller than 6cm across. Once you have had this done you must send a high quality photograph of the tattoo to me as proof of your devotion to our Church. Once I am satisfied that you have the Bloody Mary's Holy Symbol on your arm, I will be at that point delighted to welcome you into our Church family. We will then commence the transfer of up to £100,000 to enact your land deal.

Please signify your approval of this course of action and I will look forward to consecrating you as a member of our beloved Church.

Good Bless you and keep you safe.

The Reverend Ignatius Niblung Goosecreature
The Church of the Bloody Mary
Polperrow
Cornwall
England

This is the tattoo I expect him to get if he wants to get his hands on the wad of cash I have earmarked for him.

Do you think he'll go for it? Cool

Posted: Sun May 27, 2012 6:56 pm

My lad's sent me the Application Form back, duly filled in like a good mugu, together with the following indecipherable drivel...

Quote:

hello, good evening great man of god, sir please am done with the form,
wost again want to apologies for my lat reply to you email box,

today Saturday i use to meet with the local communality member in the church, sir on the meeting with my great leaders, i preset you your assistant donation, on the way from England, the church of blood Mary, the communality spend much time to pray on that wish, after the prayer my asst paster, paster tete mark, who has work with me for pass 3year now mind another point of prayer to tomorrow after the church servers,
my dear brother in faith, is a complement,
please get back to me as soon as possible, i just mind an phone call to my lawyer, according to him, that he already sent you regarding the land deal,
am waiting to read back from you, thank you,
god bless,
nation prophet

Felix?

And it seems, judging by his sign-off, that he's not sure who he is.

Unfortunately though, this lad's as dumb as a housebrick and instead of getting his arm tattooed, has replicated the required image very badly in Corel Draw (probably pirated) and sent it back to me.

So I give him a bit of a slap...

Quote:

Good Morning Felix
Thank you for sending back the form back to me. However, I think you have misunderstood me. I told you that you had to have the Sacred Tomato TATOOED onto your left forearm in order to complete our Church membership process . I did not ask you to replicate it badly in Corel Draw and then send it back to me. If you want to become a member of the Church of the Bloody Mary and receive the £100,000 for your land deal, please have the tattoo applied to your left forearm as I requested. Failure to do this will mean that you lose the £100,000 and our dealings will be at an end.
Kindest Regards

The Reverend Ignatius Niblung Goosecreature
The Church of the Bloody Mary
Polperrow
Cornwall
England

We'll see if he gets the message and then gets the tattoo.
Watch this space..

Hello I'm New here! Joined: 23 May 2012 Posts: 3

Fab! Cant wait to see how it turns out. Just out of interested does anyone know a rough idea on how many lads are running round with "baited by" tattoos?

Hello I'm New here! Joined: 02 Jan 2012 Posts: 16

Storm's Princess wrote:

Just out of interested does anyone know a rough idea on how many lads are running round with "baited by" tattoos?

Not enough Laughing

This is great! I hope Felix takes that leap of faith.

Baiting Guru Joined: 27 Mar 2011 Posts: 21158

@Jimlad, I love the Bloody Mary thing! I had a completely different picture in my mind though. Yours is much better!

Posted: Mon May 28, 2012 8:03 am

Prophet Felix has written back to me, but I think his faith is wavering.

Quote:

hello. good morning my dear brother in the ward, (He seems to think I'm in hospital!)
i receive your letter this morning, and well understand, thank you very much, i will be in touch with you soon,
nation prophet,
Felix,

He sounds a bit non-committal so I lay on the soft soap with gusto.

Quote:

Good Morning Felix
Thank you for your email.
You will not regret your decision to become a member of our Church. Your tattoo will be something you wear with honour and pride. Something that will bring you into the bosom of our love and bring the love of the Bloody Mary to you in turn. And the wealth of our Church will be yours too Felix...please do not forget that. Your days of worrying about money will be over.
Your church is as good as built.

May the Blessings of the Bloody Mary and Our Lord be upon you this day. Amen.

The Reverend Ignatius Niblung Goosecreature
The Church of the Bloody Mary
Polperrow
Cornwall
England

In my experience appealling to a lad's greed can work miracles. Amen Wink

Posted: Mon May 28, 2012 8:57 am

Just in case that's not enough to motivate him, I thought I'd try a more tangible bribe.

Quote:

Hello again Felix
I have just had a meeting with my senior colleagues here at the Church of the Bloody Mary. When you fully join our Church you will also be our first Gospel Ambassador for the Bloody Mary in Africa. Praise Be!
Since you are so far away from us and beacuse it would be better if you could communicate face to face rather than with simple emails, we have therefore decided that once your membership is confirmed we will send you an Apple iPad tablet computer,equipped with teleconferencing software so that we will be able to see you, and you us. If you are not sure what an iPad is, here is a link to the Apple website that shows you what we will provide you with... http://www.apple.com/uk/ipad/ .
I will be able to speak to you personally and we will be able to work together to advance your church building activities and ministry.
I am so looking forward to welcoming you to our Church and working with you to spread the Gospel.

The Reverend Ignatius Niblung Goosecreature
The Church of the Bloody Mary
Polperrow
Cornwall
England

Posted: Mon May 28, 2012 2:32 pm

This should have him salivating! I'll be curious to hear his reply.

Posted: Mon May 28, 2012 3:24 pm

I don't think I'll hear anything from him until tomorrow morning. He seems only to be in the internet cafe first thing.
I can't imagine him turning his nose up at the offer though! Wink

Posted: Tue May 29, 2012 10:00 am

I've had a reply from Prophet Felix and he's suspicious. His English has also reverted to the barely intelligible again...

Quote:

good evening my brother in the ward,
i was on tv program today, (of course you were Felix)
since afternoon.
am on research, wish me a prophet of dum. (he knows himself well!)

listing to me very carefuller . i wish this could be a deal between you and i on building my church project.bet now i understand many things. please tell me, all this rules.from 1 to 7. all this rules is not in the holy bible.

and the sacred Tomato TATooed in my left forearm, tell me rules no/2
that i shall revere the tomato. on whose holy skin the blood Mary first appeared..
look am very respectful man of god here in my country. please for me to see your seriousness. i read when you said that i have nothing to regret. what i have to regret is to have TATood on my lift forearm, because, i will lose my community member. then will serpent me. for me to see your seriousness. send me 2.000 euro this week. and a copy of your photo.
get back to me regarding this. i can not do anything if this is not done as well. wost you send to me the money, i also promise, i will bring more members in the church of blood Mary. please the money is for me to see how loving you are to me, write me back regarding this as soon as you receive this letter. than i will give you the information where you will send the money.
dear brother in faith, i have great respect on u.
get back to me.
nation prophet,
felix?

Again, it seems he's unsure of his identity so I reply to him with a load of old tosh to keep him happy until I can figure out what to do next.

Quote:

Hello Felix
I understand your concerns, and I will address them.
Regarding the Seven Holy Rules, you are correct, they are not in the Bible, they were delivered by the Bloody Mary to the original eight Christians, of which I was one, in 1969 as I told you when I outlined the history of our Church. I have copied the paragraph that explains this again for you below. In regard to these rules, they are New Revelations from God as delivered by the Blody Mary, if they were already in the Bible there would have been no need for Her to give them to us and her visit would have had no purpose.

It was 1969, in a crude meeting hall near the railway station in my home town of Polperrow in Cornwall, where the Church of the Bloody Mary can trace its roots. There, a group of eight sincere Christians of which I was one had a deep desire for a closer relationship and life with Christ. Realizing the futility of reforming existing churches, and after much prayer, I had a vision of the Virgin Mary which I and my fellows saw appear on the skin of a large tomato that was sitting in the fruit bowl in the centre of the table at which we were sitting. She urged us to start a new Church in Her name, to be called the Church of the Bloody Mary because of the redness of the tomato showing through Her spectral form, whose objective would be to restore sound scriptural doctrines of the Bible, encourage deeper consecration and promote evangelism and Christian service. She told us that our call to service through Her was to be known as "baiting" after her gathering of bait for the fishermen on the Sea of Gallilee, one of whom was our Lord. All our members are therefore said to have been "Baited by Bloody Mary". Forty-three years after the formation of our Christian Union that evening at the Polperrow Masons' Hall, our growing movement has established itself permanently as the Church of the Bloody Mary and placed the Tomato as its emblem in honour of the method through which the Virgin first showed Herself to us.

This also explains the beginnings of the Sacred Tomato and why we revere it.
I have explained to you Felix that the tattoo is a mark of devotion to the Bloody Mary and it is also how we know each other as Brothers in our Church. If you are concerned that having the tattoo would give you difficulties with your local community, I will ask permission from our Church elders to give you given special dispensation to have it applied to the top of your left thigh so that it is not normally visible to others.
With reference to the EUR 2,000 you requested, I will also raise this with the elders later today. You will have your answer by tomorrow.
I have attached a copy of my driving licence as proof of my identity and also as a way of showing you my photograph.
Please do not lose heart Felix. We will deal with these minor issues and I look forward to having you as a full member so that I may make available to you the £100,000 and iPad computer.

God Bless you
The Reverend Ignatius Niblung Goosecreature
The Church of the Bloody Mary
Polperrow
Cornwall
England

He's also asked for a photograph of the Reverend Goosecreature so I cobbled together a Driving Licence for him in Photoshop using a picture of Robertson Hare from the 1960's BBC sitcom All Gas and Gaiters (and very good it was too I might add)

He also wants 2,000 Euros as a gesture of "love". Needless to say he can whistle for it but I want to keep this bait going as long as I can for maximum lad pain.
I think I'll ask him for a bank account and take it from there.

Posted: Tue May 29, 2012 12:51 pm

The Reverend Goosecreature had a meeting this morning with his confederates in the Church Remuneration and Procurement (CRAP) committee and it was decided to up the stakes for this lad.
I want my eighth piggy you understand!

Quote:

Hello again Felix,
As I promised you earlier today, I have had a meeting with the other Church elders and as a gesture of goodwill and Christian trust it has been decided to grant your request for EUR2,000 on the understanding that it will be deducted from your first year's donated capital limit of £100,000. This means that after you receive it, you will only be able to call upon a further £98,000 for church building and other approved projects in the first year of your membership of the Church of the Bloody Mary.
All that is required now is that we go through some formailties in order that you may receive your EUR2,000. In order to enact the transfer, and since you are not yet a full member of our Church, we need you to provide us with some form of official identity (a passport or driving licence would be ideal) and your bank account details so that we may transfer the funds to you.
On receipt of these particulars, we will transfer the funds to your bank for you to withdraw at your convenience. These funds are, as earlier stated, a gesture of our trust and faith in you Felix, and as such can be used for any purpose that you see fit. However, please understand that the other £98,000 that will be set aside for you will only be able to be used for church-related projects that are first formally approved by our Church Remuneration and Procurement Committee. The use of these funds for personal use will be prohibited.
Please contact us at your earliest convenience so that we may begin the process of releasing your funds.

God Bless you and keep you.

The Reverend Ignatius Niblung Goosecreature
The Church of the Bloody Mary
Polperrow
Cornwall
England

If someone can give some pointers on how the Reverend Gentleman could call upon the services of the G0mer Boyz in this bait he would be forever in your debt. Failing that he may abscond with the cash on the grounds that he needs to make financial restitution for a small misunderstanding with Big Vinnie's girlfriend at the Black Booted Pussy Club last Friday night. Embarassed

Hello I'm New here! Joined: 02 Jan 2012 Posts: 16

Perhaps the Gomers offer a convenient middleman service to bypass all those pesky international transfer fees that have just been passed by the legislature? After all, it would be a shame if Felix lost ~15% of his 2,000 euros to the government.

Posted: Wed May 30, 2012 10:45 am

Felix is excited at the prospect of getting some cash...question is...is Denna his wife?? Razz

Quote:

good evening my dear brother in the ward, you mail was received.
i have a meeting with the cell leaders today, after i loft off from the tv program, so never have much time to set on computer, is night here. am at home now to have my Denna. since morning i was so busy that i could not ever make time for food.
your world are really. as the lord has called us. i will email you first thing tomorrow to get you the transfer information.

you are faith Ignatius

nation prophet?

It's 11.42 now and a bit late for "first thing" so I try to gee him up a bit.

Quote:

Hello Felix
We are waiting to transfer your funds. Please be aware that if the transfer is not enacted by 1pm our time today, the funds will not appear in your bank until next Monday as the bank has to allow up to three full working days for the money to arrive at its destination.

God Bless you.

The Reverend Ignatius Niblung Goosecreature
The Church of the Bloody Mary
Polperrow
Cornwall
England

And as we all know, the dreaded FBI will be on the case, red-flagging his bank account as a refuge for terrorist moola. Poor Felix. Twisted Evil

Posted: Thu May 31, 2012 9:15 am

Felix is getting enthusiastic that his funds are on their way.

Quote:

good day great man of god, sir how is your day moving. i hope it moves on ur target. today in my country Ghana. Accra city. there was heave rein fall. that spoiled peoples things. today there is know move moment.
i read you last mail. that gives me pleasure to get you the bank information and my drive licence.
please let get start. after the 2.000 Euro. my happiness will me completed. i will give all you want from me my dear brother in the ward. i am so much happy to have you as a partner. will we come out with a better result. thank you very much,

please as soon as the money was send. please reach me on my Mobile phone line 00233 241396603.

here is the western union information to transfer the 2,000 EURO.
Nnalue JOHN EMEKA
COUNTRY GHANA
CITY ACCRA
ZIP COD 00233
ADDRESS NO IIC OGBETE STREET ACCRA GHANA,

THE BANK A.C IS ALSO AVAILABLE FOR YOU.
BANK. XXXXXXX.
A,C NUMBER ,XXXXXXXXXXXXXX,
A. C NAME,,, Nnalue john Emeka.
breach agege motor way,,

Piggy No.8 I believe...

have a nice day my dear brother in the ward.
nation prophet.
Felix?

He's also sent me his driving licence. As mugu forgeries go it's not the worst I've ever seen but the name is obviously a replacement and when I zoomed in on the main photo I could see the edges of the original one underneath as it's slightly bigger than the one my lad has glued over the top! Also, that signature doesn't bear much resemblance to "Felix O. Nwafor"!

The bank account info is going to Alan although I'm not sure if he's going to need the IBAN and Swift codes. I suspect that Nnalue john Emeka is this lad's real name and I've asked him to explain this inconsistency and get me the bank codes. But wait... what's this?.. it can't be!.. he wants me to use Western Onion!...

Quote:

greeting to you this morning my dear brother in the ward.
i make this litter chance to set on the computer. where i read ur letter. sir regarding our last discussion on the 2,000 Euro i ask you to send down to me first.
i told you am very respectful man of god here in my country Ghana.
Nnalue John Emeka happen to be my secretary in changer financial with all about my ministry.
him is away of this deal between you and i. use the western union information i give u to send the 2,000 Euro today. send that 2.000 Euro through western union, before the hoo fund. As in 'Horton Hears a hoo' I suppose!
i am waiting to receive the 2,000 Euro today , so that we can start our deal with happy mind.
right now my drive is talking me to the tv program. that will talk me 2hours. i will like to see your reply now. am online?

my regarding..
nation prophet?
Felix?

Keep watching, this one's got a way to go yet!

Posted: Thu May 31, 2012 9:32 am

He's getting desperate because his lawyer is seemingly champing at the bit...

Quote:

hello sir. i hope you well understand me, send the 2.000 Euro through western union today. many of my church leader know about your asst donation regarding the up coming project between you and i.
all is on wait. because i never know that this will talk so long to make the transfer. my also keep my lawyer aside as you send to me at the Begin. please understand. wost you send the 2.000 Euro. it will really meet me in good. to press all you want from me here in my country.
please the western union information i give you to send the 2.000. Euro. please after you send the 2.000 Euro through western union. forward to me the information you use to send the money through western union.
am waiting you.\
strong my dear brother in the ward.
felix?

But the Reverend Gentleman is having none of it.

Quote:

Hello Felix.
Thank you for clearing up that point. I can now tell the bank why there is a difference between the two names.
I'm afraid Felix that I cannot use Western Union for a transfer of funds from our Church. We are an official organisation and actually registered with the British Government as a Charity and as such we have to account for all financial transactions for tax purposes. We therefore need to have correct paperwork to accompany any movement of money into and out of the Church's bank account. I am surprised your Church is not bound by similar regulations. With Western Union there is no paperwork that the Charity Commissioners will accept so if I used Western Union I would be jeopardising the Church's charitable status. If we lost that it would cost us a huge amount of money in tax each year and that would be a disaster. There is also the fact that Western Union and other such systems are often used by dishonest people to send and receive funds in an untraceable way and for me to use it would open me to suspicion in the eyes of the Charity Commission that something possibly illegal was going on.
Therefore I must ask you again Felix for the IBAN number and Swift codes for your bank so that we can keep this transaction well above board.
God Bless you.

The Reverend Ignatius Niblung Goosecreature
The Church of the Bloody Mary
Polperrow
Cornwall
England

Posted: Fri Jun 01, 2012 9:02 am

Felix has still not given me the Swift and IBAN codes for his bank account but he does have time to send me this meaningles tosh...

Quote:

hello good evening Niblung. sorry am later to reply back in your email box. i have my busy day. my dear brother in the ward, i understand you. i will meet with my secretary by tomorrow, i have great respect on my church leader. what ever be the cest i will let you.
please don`t be afraid. as a christian. there is something we do. and there something we don`t do. i will keep in touch with you tomorrow.
have a bless day.
nation prophet.
Felix,

Then this morning he seems to have gone whining to his church pals and his lawyer...

Quote:

hello. good morning man of god. i have hold a meeting today by 10.am.
for all my church leaders in including my lawyer. to inform them what is going on. what ever i will contact you back after the meeting. but i wish a lot. thank very much my dear brother in the ward..
hope to read from you soon.
be strong.
prophet?

Given that he's already given me his bank details except the IBAN and Swift codes, what's all this delaying crap for?
He needs a slap and he gets one...the Reverend Goosecreature is losing patience with this idiot and since it looks like the tattoo won't happen, it's time to go for broke.

Quote:

Hello Felix
I have to say that I'm getting impatient with all this. If you'll remember, you wrote to me asking for my cooperation in the building of a church. I have offered you the hand of Christian brotherhood and the financial means by which your church can be built. I have asked you for IBAN and Swift codes to add to the bank account information YOU HAVE ALREADY PROVIDED ME WITH in order that I can send you some funds and so far all you have done is obfuscate and delay. In the time you have taken to complain about my request and insist that I use a Western Union outlet, you could have given me the information I needed to make an international bank transfer and you would have had your money by now. Western Union is out of the question. It is not a proper method through which to conduct genuine business and I am beginning to wonder why you are making such a big play of getting your money by this method. Why on Earth would you want me to use Western Union when you have a bank account? So the question that preoccupies us now is... do you want your money or don't you? . I have offered you £2,000 now with £98,000 to follow (!) and you seemingly can't be bothered to get the last two numbers from the bank that would enable me to send those funds to you.
Sort yourself out Felix and get back to me with a solution without further delays or suggestions for alternative methods of payment. My Church is a legitimate business/charity that does its financial dealings with others through a bank... NOT Western Union.
God Bless you.

The Reverend Ignatius Niblung Goosecreature
The Church of the Bloody Mary
Polperrow
Cornwall
England

Posted: Fri Jun 01, 2012 11:12 am

Jimlad I have just your bait and love the style.

BattleHawk77 wrote

Quote:

No horizontal refreshment except for purposes of procreation? Man, that means I can't join.

There are other positions. Rolling Eyes

Quote:

we will send you an Apple iPad tablet computer

With GPS tracking? What fun Wink

Quote:

what i have to regret is to have TATood on my lift forearm, because, i will lose my community member. then will serpent me.

Great sig line.

Posted: Fri Jun 01, 2012 11:20 am

You're right Devil Woman, it is a great sig line!

Quote:

what i have to regret is to have TATood on my lift forearm, because, i will lose my community member. then will serpent me.

I think I'll use it...it seems I'm going to get nothing else from the Prophet. Evil or Very Mad

Posted: Sat Jun 02, 2012 8:58 am

I think the Prophet has dropped me. I haven't heard another word since I slapped him. These mugus must be getting picky. As far as he was concerned he was only an IBAN and Swift code away from EUR2,000 but its prospect wasn't enough to motivate him to get it for me.
I actually don't get it...my last three lads have done something similar. When they don't get their way over WU or Moneygram they walk. Has anyone any suggestions? What am I doing wrong?

Baiting Guru Joined: 27 Mar 2011 Posts: 21158

Jimlad, they do seem to be pushing faster but getting lazier lately.

Posted: Mon Jun 04, 2012 10:23 am

Seems I was wrong...he's still on the hook. Over the weekend I got this from God's Prophet.

Quote:

greeting to you this afternoon my dear brother.

your mail was received . as i said to you on my lat mail that i called for a meeting. regarding the the bank information.

here is the meeting result. the leaders in my ministry has proved to me. if that be the cost. i should go ahead with you. because i mind a point regarding your ward. why a difference name on the bank information i proved. and you also need lban number and swift codes. they my asst prophet onyenwefi Michael. said him will like to get in touch with you regarding that. later the leaders and my lawyer barrister api. and my secretary Nnalue John Emeka. comes to the End that the deal is between church to church. that they are aware of your church asst donation for the project of building a church in my country. them have gives me go ahead order to proved my private bank account . if that gives you litter confusion, i have great respect on them all.

please man of. am not dealing. this is life relationship between your church and my church. the week has End. please don`t be offorded. i will meet with my bank manger by Monday.
what ever. am honest to people in the ward. as the lord has called us for. please i pass your email address to my asst prophet onyenwefi Michael. him will be getting in touch with you soon.
please get back to me as soon as possible.
have a great day my dear brother in the ward.

nation prophet
Felix o?

I wonder if pushing him to the brink...

Quote:

Do I take it from your silence that you no longer wish to receive the funds you asked me for?

...made him realise that this particular golden goose was someone he'd better not mess with if he wanted his dosh?
I got another one this morning although I haven't a clue how this boi manages to communicate with anyone if his written English is a measure of his IQ!

Quote:

Ignatius. the respect i have for will never die. today in church servers my lawyer and my secretary mind a point regarding you. that i should present you for the church member. all the member in my church pray together.
i hope by now my asst paster onyenwife Michael has get in touch with you. (he hasn't...another gang member a bit slow on the uptake? please make sure you talk with him. get back to me
felix?

I'm curious how this one will pan out since Alan's done for this lad's bank account. Maybe I'll need to use Moneygram after all (There's no WU in Polperrow) and tip off the Gomer boyz about a ripe dolla chop opportunity! Twisted Evil

Posted: Thu Jun 07, 2012 1:42 pm

Two days went by and I'd heard nothing.

Quote:

Dear Felix
Your assistant Michael has not got in touch with me yet. Is there a problem?

Blessings

The Reverend Ignatius Niblung Goosecreature
The Church of the Bloody Mary
Polperrow
Cornwall
England

Later that day the Prophet's assistant gets into the game.

Quote:

Greetings to you this day my Brother.

Please allow me to introduce myself. I am the assistant Pastor of The Church of great chapel minster.. my senor paster. prophet nwafor Felix o has brought to us your appli asst donation for our church project. membership with our church family. This gives me great pleasure to see Ministers in a country other than our own that shows a genuine interest in our church family. We are a very loving family and go forth in the world to hold the ward of god has the lord has called us to do.

Myself as well as the Elder team have reviewed your appli donation. Everything appears to be in order with the exception that you stated on your appli that the bank account gives you comfuseion. because my dear prophet felix has take me through your letters for me to get hi very well. . We strongly believe that this is an important part of showing obedience to the calling. him will past you another bank account where you can transfer the fund to our family. please feel free to work with family as a church.We also like you to prove more of the relationship between your church and our family. Please get back to me to let me know that you are okey
obedient to the Lord in this manner.

Please go forth in peace my brother.

paster onyenwife Michael

It seems the Prophet is going to get another Piggy, sorry, bank account for me although why it needed all this rigmarole to get it I don't know. Still more bollocks to come first though...

Quote:

hello great man of god. i most say sorry what my later reply.am just coming back from my home tawn winnba. something happen to my family. i lost my unlcles aday before yesterday. so i was called home. this morning i read ur letter to me. my asst paster Michael meet me in the village yesterday and many of my church members. but what ever i will see time tomorrow.

can u please gives me ur phone no to called you.
i will see u by tomorrow everything will be done. regarding the bank information.
thank you very much.
Felix.

He wants to phone the Reverend Gentleman, but unfortunately he's a bit mutton...

Quote:

Hello Felix
Thank you for your email. I'm afraid I do not have a phone as I am very nearly deaf and cannot any longer hear people when they call me. Please send the details of the second account that Tete Mark mentioned and I will arrange to have your €2,000 sent to you immediately.
Kindest regards and Blessings of the Bloody Mary be upon you this day. Amen

The Reverend Ignatius Niblung Goosecreature
The Church of the Bloody Mary
Polperrow
Cornwall
England

FINALLY!

Quote:

hello Rev Reverend. how are you this our. i hope you are strong and health ok. that is always my prayer. first thing this morning i meet with my bank. barclays bank regarding the lif information needed for you to transfer the money. my bank take though me. that here in Ghana. bank don`t use lban number. that banks only use swift codes.
i hope you understand me.
here is the bank information where you can transfer the fund.

A.C. NAME.....EDMUND. XXXXXX.
A.C .NUMBER .....XXXXXXXXX.
SWIFT CODES. XXXXXXXX.

thank you Rev Reverend. i am very much happy to work with you.
please transfer the money today. so that will can get thing s start. this our am moving to my tv program. i will be back later in the day. because am having a serous servers today in church.

thanks god be with you.
nation prophet
Felix.

Now Alan's got those details and I can feel a letter of apology from my bank for the transfer's failure coming on. Ahh but the joys of gaining another Piggy! Cool

Posted: Fri Jun 08, 2012 12:32 pm

I "tried" to make the lad's transfer but unfortunately my bank needed a postal address.

Quote:

Hello again Felix,
I have been to the bank to enact the transfer, but they have told me they need the postal address of your bank in order to complete the transfer paperwork. Can you please send it to me.
Thank you.

Kindest Regards and Blessings

The Reverend Ignatius Niblung Goosecreature
The Church of the Bloody Mary
Polperrow
Cornwall
England

Surprisingly, and without further ado, he did!

Quote:

thank you Rev Reverend.

postal address P. O. box 1462 mamprobi edmund ocansey
A.C. NAME.....EDMUND. OCANSEY.
A.C .NUMBER .....0411007901.
SWIFT CODES. BARCGHAC.
BANK.... BARCLAY BANK.
Felix.

Odd thing is, I checked this address against the branch listing in the Barclays Bank of Ghana website and it doesn't exist although the PO Box format is common enough in Ghana it appears. If my lad wants a bank transfer done to a branch that doesn't exist, how does he get his cash? (If it were sent that is and he DOES expect it to be).
Anyway I do nothing until the following day...which prompts the Prophet to contact me in a mild panic...

Quote:

good morning Rev. i being looking forward to hear from you. please have you receive the postal address. am worried.
am waiting for you Rev.
Felix?

Around the same time I get a separate email from the Prophet's assistant (another gang member?)...

Quote:

good day great man of god.
i hope my letter will meet you in good. i am contact you again regarding our last discussion. my senor paster prophet nwafor Felix . has prove to us that him already past you he privet bank account. that him be looking forward to hear from you. sir please feel free to work with my dear prophet Felix. as soon as the fund comes through it will be a wonderful thing to my church family.
thank you. may almighty god bless you and your family.

kind regard.

prophet Michael

...which I ignore.
Now comes the bit the lad's been waiting oh so patiently for..

Quote:

Good morning Felix
I have enacted the transfer of €2,000 for you and have attached a copy of the bank's SWIFT form for your records. The people in the bank told me that the transfer will be sent before the close of business today (I believe that's 3.30pm local time) and should be in your account sometime on Monday or Tuesday morning. I hope this opens a new chapter in our dealings with one another.

God Bless you.

The Reverend Ignatius Niblung Goosecreature
The Church of the Bloody Mary
Polperrow
Cornwall
England

And I send him the SWIFT receipt. This is a genuine SWIFT transfer form I once used for legitimate purposes. It's been put through Photoshop for the benefit of my lad though.

I'll let him go to his bank on Monday where he'll discover, much to his embarrassment, that the transfer hasn't happened. The Reverend Gentleman will be SO shocked to hear this and will do his best to get to the bottom of the matter...discovering in the process that the tentacles of the dreaded FBI killaz are at hand! Twisted Evil

You'll notice too I hope, that references to this lad's lawyer have ceased. I've managed to get him so far off-script that it's now just a dot on the horizon! Very Happy

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