Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day

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Posted: Wed May 30, 2012 9:45 pm

http://www.echo-news.co.uk/news/9733382.Girl_nearly_run_over_by_moped/?ref=rss

Anyone top that for most pointless local news story? Maybe someone almost being attacked by a cat or something.

Posted: Thu May 31, 2012 11:18 pm

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AqDbb7-dn9A&feature=related

Posted: Sat Jun 02, 2012 6:46 am

Two 90 year old men, Dai and Emrys, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Emrys is dying, Dai visits him every day.

One day Dai says, 'Emrys, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there.'

Emrys looks up at Dai from his death bed,' Dai, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Emrys passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Dai is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him,

'Dai--Dai.'

'Who is it? Asks Dai sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'

'Dai--it's me, Emrys.'

'You're not Emrys. Emrys just died.'

'I'm telling you, it's me, Emrys,' insists the voice.'

'Emrys! Where are you?'

'In heaven', replies Emrys. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'

'Tell me the good news first,' says Dai.

The good news,' Emrys says,' is that there's rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired.'

'That's fantastic,' says Dai. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams!

So what's the bad news?'

'You're in the team for Tuesday.'

Posted: Sun Jun 03, 2012 2:06 pm

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off. She hangs on Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

Bob's buddies at the club are all agog. They finally corner him alone and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"

"What do you mean, girlfriend?" Bob replies. "She's my wife!"

They're knocked over, and press on.

"How in the world did you persuade her to marry you?" they ask.

"Well," he admits, "I lied about my age."

"You cad!" one says, breaking the shocked silence.

"What, did you tell her you were only 50 or something?" asked another.

"No," Bob smiles. "I told her I was 90."

Posted: Thu Jun 07, 2012 12:40 am

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-gloucestershire-18342549

Posted: Sat Jun 16, 2012 7:46 pm

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps you when you lie. He decides to test it out on his son at supper. "Where were you last night?"
Son says, "I was at the library."
The robot slaps son.
"OK I was at a friend's house."
"Doing what?" asked the father.
"Watching a movie; Toy Story."
Robot slaps son. "OK, it was porn!" cried the son.
Father yells, "What? When I was your age I didn't know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
The mother laughs and says "He certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

Posted: Sat Jun 16, 2012 7:48 pm

“One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, “Why are you crying?”

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. “Is this your axe?” the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, “No.”

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe. “Is this your axe?” the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, “No.”

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe. “Is this your axe?” the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, “Yes.”

The Lord was pleased with the man’s honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, “Why are you crying?”

“Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!”

The Lord went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE “Is this your wife?” the Lord asked..

“Yes,” cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. “You lied! That is an untruth!”

The woodcutter replied, “Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ‘no’ to ANGELINA JOLIE , You would have come up with AISHWARYA RAI. Then if I said ‘no’ to her, you would have come up with my wife . Had I then said ‘yes,’ you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man and weak also.., and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT’S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE .”

MORAL OF THE STORY: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and Honorable Reason, and for the Benefit of others. Men are honest.

Posted: Mon Jun 18, 2012 4:37 pm

Posted: Mon Jun 18, 2012 4:46 pm

Posted: Tue Jun 19, 2012 3:06 pm

Posted: Tue Jun 19, 2012 5:53 pm

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking...

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors
of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they
swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our
fins showing."

And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with
all of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we
just eat them all at first?

Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the
s**t inside!"

Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 11:47 am

Spammer walks into a thread and says " I'm a legit member, look at my well thought out spam.. i mean posts. Please be fooled."
The Mod thought long and hard and then, rather than respond deleted them all and suspended his ass Very Happy

I'm not very good at jokes, but since I was here deleting spammer crap.

Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 7:12 pm

Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 7:30 pm

THE TOILET SEAT

My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while Julie was out. After finishing, I left to take
care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower.

Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet.

As she tried to stand up,

she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint

had glued her to the toilet seat.

About that time, I got home and realized her predicament.
We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.

Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts.

Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her

to the hospital emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he

could study how to free her

(Try to get a mental picture of this.).

Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying,

"Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them......
I just never saw one mounted and framed."

Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 7:51 pm

Technology
Mom heard her son and daughter playing Hide and Seek.

Kevin said, "You cover your eyes. I'll go hide and text you when I'm ready."

Mom thought that was pretty ingenious of her son but was even more surprised when her daughter got the text and raced straight for the computer.

"What are you doing?" Mom asked.

"I'm tracking his location with GPS."

Posted: Sat Jun 23, 2012 9:27 pm

1. My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning, can you believe that? 2:30am?
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

2. The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.

3. Paddy says, "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.
"Really," says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

4. I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

5. My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

6. Woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid then I was petrified.

7. The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

8. A mate of mine admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.

9. I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin,
3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, "These guys have lost the plot!"

10. My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70.
"Blow this," I thought, "I can get one cheaper off the web."

11. Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

12. I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

13. I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

14. I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked on the side of the road.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself, "That guy's heading for a breakdown."

15. I just met a fat, alcoholic, transvestite. He wants to eat, drink, and be Mary.

Posted: Sun Jun 24, 2012 4:30 am

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0tyzG_ZKVfU&feature=related

Posted: Sun Jun 24, 2012 9:06 pm

The woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city. When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying, "Mommy, guess what! Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and daddy came into the room with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into your bed and then daddy got on top of her..."

Sonny's mother held up her hand. "Not another word. Wait till your father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."

The father came home. As he walked into the house, his wife said, "I'm leaving you. I'm packing now and I'm leaving you." "But why--" asked the startled father. "Go ahead, Sonny. Tell daddy just what you told me."

"Well," Sonny said, "I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into bed and daddy got on top of her and then they did just what you did with uncle John when daddy was away last summer."

Posted: Sun Jun 24, 2012 9:10 pm

A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery, and the day after the procedure a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing. His friend was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention?" the friend asked, "You look fine to me."

"I know!" grinned the patient. "But the nurses kind of formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches."

Posted: Sun Jun 24, 2012 9:14 pm

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket
where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said
"Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly"

Master Baiter Joined: 21 Jun 2012 Posts: 105

Lizard Birth
If you've raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish,
the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
"something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his
room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious,Dad.
Can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him
into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying
on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies.."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged.
"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to
reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she
inquired. (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
informed me. (Again with the sarcasm!)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're
about to witness the miracle of birth."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a
tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several
more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.
"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here
with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with
my son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I
speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In
fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. .
Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male.
And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species,
they um . . um . . masturbate.
Just the way he did, lying on his back"
He blushed, glancing at my wife.
We were silent,absorbing this.
"So, Ernie's just, just . . . excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle.
And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
Tears were now running down her face. "It's just ... that ...I'm
picturing you pulling on its . . . its . . . teeny little . . ."
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled
the lizard and our son back into the car.
He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:
Priceless!
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.
Lizards lay eggs! Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy

Posted: Mon Jul 02, 2012 1:47 pm

Mobile Phone Etiquette

After a very busy day, Peggy settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Manhattan for the suburbs.

As the train rolled out of the station, one last passenger jumped on the train and got the last seat — right next to Peggy.

Naturally, he pulled out his phone and started talking in a loud voice.

"Hi sweetheart, it's Eric! ... I'm on the train — yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting ... No, honey, not with that floozie frrom the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life — yes, I'm sure, cross my heart," etc., etc.

It was nauseating. And no matter how much Peggy glared at him, cleared her throat, or otherwise tried to express her disapproval over his rudeness, he completely ignored her.

Fifteen minutes later, she got an idea. She leaned in close to him and said in her most sensual, pouty voice aimed right at his phone:

"Hey, Eric, sweetie! Turn off that stupid phone and come back to bed!"

Eric doesn't use his phone in public any longer.

Hello I'm New here! Joined: 02 Jul 2012 Posts: 7

Here's one I saw the other day,
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a vacation." Pattie looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Pattie explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says,
"Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Pattie explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says,
"There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(You're gonna love this)

The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knick-knack, Pattie Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Posted: Sat Jul 07, 2012 9:16 am

This is from a news item, made me smile.

The man who has died, from Torquay, was in the other car. He had been arrested at the scene and taken to hospital.

Posted: Wed Jul 11, 2012 12:51 am

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R2AdfsPGovM

Bit of swearing, so not work-safe.

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