Dead body modality...

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Posted: Tue Mar 06, 2012 1:51 pm

Once again, I've decided to use my favourite modality...the "Because of you I've got a dead body in my living room and due to bureaucracy, I'm not allowed to move it" one. Most lads stop replying at this point, but my latest one is still firmly on the hook.

The story so far is that I'm an MP for a little known island. I needed £1350 to send to my lad but didn't have it. Just by chance, I was asked to arrange a funeral around this time for a family friend and was given £5000 to cover the expenses. I decided to ask my lad for advice and cut a few corners....

Quote:

Dear Miss Anderson,

I've had a bit of a problem. Remember I asked you to check with your lawyer if it was ok to miss out the "Internment and Location" option for the funeral I arranged and you came back saying it was fine? Well, it wasn't. And now, I have a major issue on my hands!

As discussed, I went to the Moneygram office and made the payment (despite me specifically advising you to email before hand, to which you didn't bother your backside replying to me). It all went fine and I returned home about 20 minutes ago thinking that everything was good. It wasn't.

Turns out that the combination of your bad advice and your inability to reply on time which caused me to be late have merged together with disastrous consequences. Due to you not replying to me, I left much later than originally planned to get to the payment office and returned much later as well. I got home, walked into the living room and there was a coffin there. Not just any coffin, Miss Anderson, the coffin of Bill McMutton, the fellow who I had arranged the funeral for. It was lying there, with the lid open, right in the middle of my living room!

I called the undertakers at once, expecting that there must have been some kind of mistake. It turns out that the "Internment and Location" option was actually the plot and burial and because I opted not to purchase them, the coffin was simply returned to my house. I asked the man at the undertakers if he could come by and collect Mr McMuttons corpse and coffin, but he informed me that because my address had been put down on the death certificate, moving the coffin in any way would technically be graverobbing which is illegal and can result in up to 4 years in prison! He told me that the only way I could have it moved was if I was to first of all to obtain a exhumation permit from the local council.

So, I called the local council to ask how I could go about obtaining this. Obviously I had to give a fake name as everyone there knows me. I explained the situation and for some reason the young lady I spoke to seemed to think it was hilarious. There is NOTHING funny about the situation Miss Anderson! When she stopped laughing, she eventually explained that she would post me the permit application today, but it could take between 6 and 12 weeks to be processed, which means that I have a corpse in my house for at least 6 weeks that I'm legally not allowed to move!

Miss Anderson, you reply to me AT ONCE. This is serious. You've really messed up here and I am not in the slightest bit amused! No messing about here, we need to get this sorted at once! I have a dinner party to hold next week and I can't have a decaying body in my living room. How the hell am I supposed to explain this? This is actually worse than the worst thing I could have imagined going wrong! If word of this gets out, my career is finished!

Regards

She sounds as if she's actually sorry...but moreso that she might not get the money that I claimed to have sent this morning...

Quote:

Dear Frederich,

I didn't know you were asking me to confirm from my lawyer what the Internment and Location meant, I only figured that since we have not heard such before so I assumed it was not necessary as you thought as well, Honestly am so sorry for this misconception, Now that you have made the payment what do we do about it? because if we continue with our plan over here, the fund could be release to you by the end of next week, so I don't know what could be your option right now? is really a confused situation for us. Please get back to me on your plan, You told me you will be going for a business this morning and the money will be sent this afternoon so I expected to hear from you as scheduled. once again I am sorry I missed out.

but all the same lets figure out a way forward.

Regards
Hannah

I've replied, but cannot wait to see the feedback I get from this...

Quote:

Dear Miss Anderson,

Well, now that I have made the payment you'd best go and pick up the money. I thought that would have been obvious, even to you! You really need to start reading these emails properly. If you have never heard of Internment and Location then you shouldn't have started giving me bloody advice over it, should you? That's why I told you to ask your lawyer. This leaves me with only two conclusions - either you didn't ask him at all, or else you have employed a lawyer who is more arse over tit than mind over matter when it comes to business transactions - either way, the whole thing reeks of incompetence.

I'm sorry to have to use such abrasive language, but it's true. What am I supposed to do with this corpse? Even the lid on the coffin won't shut, so I have to look at his ghastly pale face and he's already been dead a week so it's not going to take long until nature takes it's course and he starts decomposing. So, I need you to help ME here - what should I do here? Should I buy air freshener? Leave the windows open? Keep the heating off? I need answers, Miss Anderson!

I'm shaking like a leaf here. I can't believe this has happened. Can you go and get the money today? At least if you done that, it would start the ball rolling on the proxy wedding. Once you have that, we can concentrate on how I'm meant to deal with Mr McMuttons cadaver. I have a dinner party next week, I need to have it sorted for then. I cannot believe how much of an utterly bizarre situation you have put me in here Miss Anderson.

Get back to me now.

Regards

Thoughts so far? Not sure where I'm going to go from here to be honest but this lad is in for a bumpy ride! Twisted Evil

Not quite a Newb Joined: 24 Jan 2012 Posts: 72

Your lad doesn't seem too bright...maybe you can convince them to partake on a safari to the Isle of Beaver, or at least to have one of their friends or relatives do it for them while they stay in contact with you.

http://www.419eater.com/html/SkeletonCoast/

Reference the above for some ideas on how to spoof your lad. GL!

Posted: Tue Mar 06, 2012 7:10 pm

Gaz - I have, several years ago, done something similar. I convinced a mugu I might send home some laptops/cell phones, so he gave me a shipping address, which is presumably real. Some days later, my baiting character killed his wife. Since they lived in London, and since there are security cameras everywhere in London, the baiting character was aimlessly driving around London with the corpse in the "boot" of his car, stopping only to send e-mails.

After fruitless efforts to dispose of the body, the baiting character finally crated it up and mailed it to Lagos, to the mugu's address.

Mugu was not happy to hear about this.

Next, I had someone on this board with more talent than I create a bogus news story about "Mail Clerks find Body in Crate". Scotland Yard was investigating, but the only clue was an address in Nigeria where the crate was going. Nigerian officials were being asked to look into the matter. I forwarded the bogus story to the mugu....never heard from him again.

Bruin

Posted: Tue Mar 06, 2012 7:34 pm

That's brilliant Bruin. Laughing

I might just borrow your modality on my present hitlad bait.

Baiting Guru Joined: 10 Oct 2010 Posts: 3877

combined with our gps transportation service, this could be extremely funny. a lad chasing a box with a dead body and money.

bruin, you are on a level that is way beyond us.

Posted: Tue Mar 06, 2012 9:16 pm

Oh! A gps and cash in the casket. I love it.

HANS- if you try it let me know how it comes out.

Bruin

Posted: Wed Mar 07, 2012 2:46 am

I will.

Posted: Wed Mar 07, 2012 3:50 am

Quote:

I only figured that since we have not heard such before so I assumed it was not necessary

Fine example of lad logic, there! Laughing

Posted: Wed Mar 07, 2012 4:45 pm

Call me stupid but I just don't get this. There must be something that leads the lad into supposing the dead body has anything at all to do with them! Am I missing the point?

Posted: Wed Mar 07, 2012 7:51 pm

@wowwow

For example, in my bait, I've stolen merchandise from my employer to send to the lad since I don't have the cash to pay him (hitlad). I'll eventually be caught by a co-worker who will threaten to denounce me and I'll lose my job. I kill the co-worker and don't know how to dispose of the body (as per Bruins post above). In a panic and in order to get the evidence as far away from me as possible, I'll ship the body to my hitlad who was kind enough to supply me with a shipping address at someone's private residence. Once shipped, it's his problem and as a hitlad, he certainly knows how to dispose of dead bodies. I hope that a flury of e-mails from the lad and his accomplice and general mayhem will follow. Anywho, that's what I plan on doing. If it will work is anyones guess.

Posted: Thu Mar 08, 2012 12:26 pm

Which, Hans Moleman, is exactly my plan now. I've hinted to the lad that I'm going to dismember the body but I can't attempt to dispose of it on the island I live on as if anyone finds it, it'll lead directly back to me.

So, the only logical step is to ship it off to my lad and have it get lost in the post before it is discovered. My lad will then get caught up in what appears to be a suspected murder meaning he'll spend the next few months bricking it every time he hears a knock at the door.

Posted: Mon Mar 12, 2012 4:32 pm

This bait is quickly snowballing out of control, it's about to take a rather macabre twist. My ladette mailed me and was ever-so-slightly rude, so I delivered a grade-A slap and got a grovelling apology....

Quote:

Dear Mr. Frederick,

I apologize for the manner of my previous mail, I didn’t mean to sound that way, but you also have to understand that you don’t have to blame me on the transaction error, at first you never told me you got a form from MoneyGram to be filled by the receiver until this time, now you want to put all the blame on me Mr. Frederick? However I can still tell you that MoneyGram does not require any form to be filled by the receiver, money are sent and to be received within 10 minutes anywhere in the world. Please I don’t mean to be rude to you and I am very sorry for the manner of my previous email to you. But I want to put it clear again to you that you need to go back to the MoneyGram and ask them to give you the Reference number just as simple as the Institution (MoneyGram) advised on the link which I emailed to you.

Infact I received money from a Friend from Dundee last week and it was simple as I have explained to you, it only require the 8 digit Reference number given to the sender as soon as the money is sent and is available for pick up after 10 minutes.

Please I am not ready to argue here but I am telling you a simple direction which you and I can obviously read from the Institution, and if there is any other thing to do I will also ask you to kindly go to the agent where you sent the money and ask him/her to explain to you the use of five simple steps to send money on the link I gave to you.

Once again I apologize for my impoliteness.

Kind Regards

Hannah

Now that she's back on side, I've decided to thicken the plot -

Quote:

Dear Miss Anderson,

Apology accepted. I am glad to hear that in future you will be a tad more sensitive when it comes to addressing me in emails.

Now, I'll be honest here - on Friday night, I was so angry with you that I actually went to the Moneygram office and got my money back. in hindsight I was a little hasty, but now that you have come back with your tail between your legs, I will make the payment again today. It turns out, Miss Anderson, that I had opted for the"Secure Sending" option which requires Form 49 but I shall go back today and send it through the standard method and will pop by the local library and scan and email you the receipt on my way home. So, you see - it was your fault. You should have further investigated the wide range of sending options that Moneygram offer rather than simply assuming I sent the money through the standard method, but since we are in a hurry I will once again overlook yet another one of the growing list of mistakes on your end.

Now, Miss Anderson, I still have the issue of what to do with this corpse. The problem I have at the moment is that I'm due to host a dinner party tomorrow night in which several members of Mr McMuttons family are due to attend. They CANNOT find out that I didn't pay for the burial. They've already been asking where his ashes were scattered and I've tried to explain to them that the ashes were scattered down at the beach (simply because I know that due to the amount of toxic waste there, they wont attempt to go there to find out) but if they come into my living room to find his decomposing body in an open coffin, they'll surely involve the police and our deal will be over. So I have an idea.

On the menu tomorrow night, I have soup for starters and beef for the main course. I've come to the decision - and trust me, it wasn't an easy one - that I will dismember the body and use it as a substitute for the meat tomorrow night. I feel terrible, but there's really no other option. Having his relatives eat the evidence of any wrongdoing will eliminate any chance of me being caught and will ensure that our deal can proceed. It's a horrible, immoral thing to have to do but I simply can't look at his grey, flakey face and black, sunken eyes anymore and the smell is terrible - there are flies everywhere and dogs keep scratching at the door, if I don't do something then my neighbours will become suspicious.

So, I will go to the Moneygram office and on my way back, I will pop into the hardware shop and pick myself up a hammer and a hacksaw. He wasn't a well built man so dismembering him and fitting the remains in a pot shouldn't give me too much trouble. If you could get back to me as soon as possible to let me know if it is ok to send you the money today, I'd be most grateful.

Regards,

Now I'm going to borrow the idea of making up some bizarre reason why I cant quite get rid of the head and tell my lad to do it, use the fake tracker to send him the package which will mysteriously go missing, then send a fake newspaper clipping saying that theres been a box with a human head found in it at the local depo and the only address the police have to go on is the delivery address on the package Laughing

Posted: Mon Mar 12, 2012 6:00 pm

Several years ago, another baiter used the "I am destroying the evidence by eating it" gambit. Ask for recipes!

Offer to send the mugu some "delicious sausages"

Bruin

Posted: Tue Mar 13, 2012 8:43 am

OMG, y'all are leading me down a road of no return. Wow, lots of laughs tonight. Thanks!