When someone you know gets bitten... badly

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Not quite a Newb Joined: 03 Dec 2011 Posts: 31

I think one thing that drew me to this site was a general feeling of unease that has been growing on me for months now. I'll try to make the story short, but I'd like opinions.

I have a colleague that isn't what you would call a pretty girl. She's overweight, has bad skin and is pretty bitchy. Not a catch. She has some very nice qualities too of course, but I'd say those 3 are the one's that stand out.

Two years ago she went to Togo for a month on a humanitary mission. She came back aglow. Within in 6 months she had taken another month and a half off work to go back. Trip 3 was 2 weeks last February. This summer she went over for 3 weeks in July and came back married to a Togolese man.

I saw the wedding photos. Her whole family went down to Togo for the wedding and everyone except the bride has a look of "something just isn't right". It's not the normal happy family shots. The groom, who is quite a nice looking and fit young man (I tried not to act shocked but thought, damn... he's a looker), looks bored out of his mind in the pics while my colleague is beaming away. Not one time do you see him looking at her while she is swooning in all of them dreamy-eyed staring at him. These do not look like real love kind of pictures. In fact, I found them rather disturbing.

So, my colleague is now running herself frantic trying to get her hubby a visa to live in France with her. She's spending a small fortune travelling to Paris to various administrative offices. She lives in a very small country village and there is nothing except a bakery within walking distance. Not exactly an international hub where hubby is likely to find work. She's working extra hours to get the money to bring him over.

Maybe I'm wrong, but the whole thing smells fishy. I'm not, of course, ever going to say anything to her. I'm worried that she's been royally dupped and what the consequences may be for her in future and it makes me terribly sad. But if this is indeed a scam it's gone far past the point of no return and I'm just going to have to sit back and keep my mouth shut.

Maybe she knows it's not a "real" marriage but it's her only chance if she ever wants a family. They could have struck a deal. She's approaching her sell by date afterall. Or maybe I've got it all wrong and the newliweds are really in love.

Any similar stories?

Cheers in advance,
P

Master of Master Baiters Joined: 26 Sep 2008 Posts: 689

Many many years ago I told a very good friend and colleague that her upcoming marriage would not last.

She slapped me and that ended our friendship, sadly.

Six months later he left her for another woman and they got divorced.

Do you want to be right or loose a friend?

If all her family think something is "wrong" don't you think they'd be saying so?

They say love is blind .... they're damn right!

Try directing her to the love scam forums?

Posted: Sun Dec 11, 2011 11:09 am

Ok, Devil's advocate (and this is merely an observation). I actually find your opinions about this colleague rather shallow, you've actually said some pretty nasty things about her in that post - fat, bitchy, bad skin, not a catch, past her sell by date etc & if you were my colleague i think i might wonder what your motives really were if you said things like that about me yet claimed to want to help me.

Maybe you just worded it wrong and didn't mean it the way it comes over but to an outsider it doesn't paint a very caring attitute for the girl, in fact you talk like you can't stand her. Just an observation like.

Posted: Sun Dec 11, 2011 1:27 pm

I think N N N hit the nail on the head on this one. It's a no win situation. In a true romance scam the scammer is hiding behind a bunch of lies to steal a victims money. The victim never meets the scammer and certainly does not have a real wedding. It's very possible the groom has other motives but people have been getting married for reasons besides love since the dawn of time.

Posted: Sun Dec 11, 2011 2:01 pm

I think Bravo's right, it's not the normal run of the mill love scam. it looks to me more like he's using her for a passport to a better life in France

Not quite a Newb Joined: 03 Dec 2011 Posts: 31

Points taken and yes, my comments weren't nice. Fact is I don't like her and she has just about the nastiest temper of anyone I've ever met but she's good at her job and I rely on that as do others. On the whole, our organization would be less without her despite the fact that she often makes my life a living hell. Also I don't like the idea of someone I know getting hurt badly. Like I said, she does have some good qualities. She makes brilliant cakes for example and she does charity work whenever possible which I find admirable.

The difference between her and her husband is just far too great not to notice. If you saw them walking down the street you'd most likely not think there is anyway they were a married couple. And she does talk about how much this whole thing is costing her and how it worries her.

I really do hope I'm wrong. Everyone deserves to find love and happiness and whether I personally like them or not has no bearing on that of course.

Baiting Guru Joined: 10 Oct 2010 Posts: 3877

you made the right thing, although it's a no win situation. (the other way would mean: you too loose)

not your fault, she did hear to the scammer and not to you.

Posted: Sun Dec 11, 2011 2:21 pm

Poitivine wrote:

On the whole, our organization would be less without her despite the fact that she often makes my life a living hell.

Really? How?

Bullies (real life or cyber) are loathsome, despicable people. I cut them out of my life so quickly, there are friction marks under my feet.

Posted: Sun Dec 11, 2011 3:34 pm

This is a tough one. I have been on both sides of this fence and it isn't easy, because no matter which way you turn you are going to be hurt or hurt others.

It is difficult to see others spending hard earned money on something you see as problematic. Maybe her family has been telling her that all along, which would make her most likely to prove them wrong. Maybe this guy is just after a way to get to another country.

If/When it happens that she is hurt by this man, she is going to need all the support she can get from others. If she went on a humanity mission she must have compassion in her heart even though it might not shine through at her workplace. You said she was exceptionally good at her job -- and she probably knows that and acts kind of cocky because she knows that.

Does she have any close friends at work who might be able to gently inquire as to what is really going on?

Bottom line (IMHO), just stand by and help her through it if her world crumbles when/if she finds she has been taken to the cleaners.

@The Monsignor There are some people in a work place who are exceptionally good at their jobs and they let everyone know it. I had such a person I HAD to work with at a major university where I managed a $5 Million/yr division. This woman was 4 ft 11 inches and I swear came to work every day with her steel-toed combat boots on! She was a holy terror - I think her shortness gave her a Napoleon complex. She was a royal B itch and everyone hated her. However, she was damn good at her job. We all came to respect the knowledge she had, but still hated going to her office. We could not cut her out of our (work) life. Many of us ( and we were division administrators) went back to our offices with tears in our eyes -- that was the women - the men went back to their offices and kicked waste cans, etc. around.

Elite Baiter Joined: 19 Jan 2009 Posts: 1440

Not much to be done in this situation. Some women want to be married at any cost even if the man is a serial killer on death row.

I had a friend who married a homosexual Bulgarian ballet dancer who was living in this country on a temporary visa. Nothing I said changed her mind. Of course after the wedding he never even moved in with her and the marriage ended before it began. The only difference was that he is now a permanent resident of Canada.

Not quite a Newb Joined: 14 Jul 2005 Posts: 41

I do apologize in advance, but how is this anyone's business?

Locking.

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