Bad Mother...

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Posted: Tue Aug 30, 2011 1:10 pm

My reply to the letters above^^:

Quote:

Oh my dearest, darling Mike. Please don't think I was having hard words with you it was just confusing that's all. I think you may have filled in the form wrong - I know you hate forms but it's important to try and do them as carefully as you can. I know you wouldn't try and cheat me but Mr Feldman doesn't know you as well as I do so he's just being cautious.

I'm so glad you like the boat my Captain Doughnut! I can't wait for us to be on it together. Have you driven a boat before, my love? Will you be able to sail away with me and Little Doughnut? Perhaps when we are together we can lock her in the engine room or maybe the toilet and then you can make sweet love to me as the boat bobs up and down in time to your dinkle.

Honey, on a separate matter I don't know how but the local paper has got hold of my story. I haven't told them anything but someone - maybe from the hospital? has been talking to a reporter. I just thought you should know. I've cut the story out of the paper for you and had the nice man who lives next door scam it for me with his scanner.

Tell Little Doughnut that there are plenty of rivers and lakes and docks and sea to go boating on. I'm so glad she's as excited as me.

I love you Captain Doughnut and would love to hear all about your ideas of what we can do on the good ship Mike. Especially while Little Doughnut is out of the way pumping the bilges.

Doughnut XXXX

Mike's almost famous! Wonder if he likes the publicity?

Love Phil X

Master Baiter Joined: 26 Mar 2011 Posts: 128

Just wonderfull - thanks for the big laugh.
Storys like this makes baiting even better. Thank you.

Posted: Tue Aug 30, 2011 11:39 pm

1,190 lbs.?!?
That's a lot of doughnut to love! Laughing

Posted: Wed Aug 31, 2011 4:10 am

^^^ Too funny Shocked

In the meantime, I decide to light a fire under laddo's ass. Seems his form's been rejected:

Quote:

Dear Mr Scammer,

I have recently sat down with my Partner to discuss your form. It is my duty to inform you that during this meeting it was decided that your form was to be rejected and the money you requested be withheld unless a replacement form with the corrections can be sent to me as soon as possible.

We believe that there are too many discrepancies on your submitted form, not just relating to but including the quality of the photograph, the amount of money you have requested weekly, and at least one question that was answered incorrectly. (Notice I didn't tell him WHICH question! If I feel like it, I can change my mind on which question's incorrect and in fact maybe even tell him a wrong answer was in fact right)

I have CC'd Ms Doughnut as well, so she will understand why I am not sending the funds you requested. Mr Scammer, I understand the predicament you are in and have tried to make Yitzak aware of this, but as he quite rightly points out, we are a law firm and not a charity, and there are rules and regulations that we here at have to abide by if we wish to remain in business.

I look forward to receiving a replacement form, otherwise, I enjoyed doing business with you and wish you well in your future endeavours.

Barry

Let's see if he'll get upset now Wink

Posted: Wed Aug 31, 2011 8:12 am

@orangerose - Glad you're still following along. Mike is so screwed!

@Fartina - That WAS a lot of doughnut. Don't forget she's mostly hollow inside and made of titanium and carbon fibre now. Light as a racing cycle!!

@Chrys - Nah. He's not angry. Miserable maybe, but not angry (yet!)

I find this letter quite amusing because it reads like the scammer scammed using all the tricks of their own trade. He writes:

Quote:

Sweetheart, I've not been happy cuz Mr. Feldman is going to let me wait until september 18 before he discuss anything with me, and he's also letting me know he's taking a leave by 23rd so it makes me feel he doesn't want to help me at all. Baby, i'm in deep shit now, and in need of your help but you're giving me conditions, is that what you call love?
if you was the one who needed my help, and i was in a good position to help you, would i let you go through all this? now the hotel is telling me they're not gonna let me use the internet anymore and would kick me and Little doughnut out if we don't pay our debts in a few days.
Please, do whatever you can to help me in a week baby, You have this money, don't make me and our daughter suffer, you know the future we have together. I saw the newspaper, and it makes me feel very sad but i don't want it to let you down, always remember that i'm always going to be your man forever.
Baby again I beg of you to do everything to get some money from the Lawyer so you can help me cuz i don't think the hotel would be patient with me and Little Doughnut until September 18. I'm sorry for not saying anything about the boat and that's because i feel very depressed and fraustrated. you're making me feel like you don't have any right over your money that's why you let me deal with a lawyer

Mike can wait a bit for my reply. I don't think he understands lawyers. Has he not read the motto in the firm's letterhead? "Resistance is useless". Just like you Mike. Just like you. Very Happy

Love Phil X

Posted: Wed Aug 31, 2011 4:50 pm

Hi guys - I'm working on it!

Posted: Thu Sep 01, 2011 11:54 am

^^ We look forward to your participation Jeanette. Climb aboard the Mike Train!! Poop poop! or should that be boat? Very Happy

I send this to Mike's whining letter about lawyers:

Quote:

Darling Mike,

This is absolutely ridiculous. I will not have you and Little Doughnut thrown out onto the streets of London like tramps and common criminals. Unfortunately Mr Feldman is very serious when it comes to doing things properly and if you didn't do things correctly that is your fault Mike but I will speak to him and let him know that you are in difficulty. Barry is a friend and will listen to me.

However I am going to sort this out with the hotel manager. Please give me his name and email address at the Caesar Hotel - I will have a word with him and make sure you will not lose your room and internet access. I can be very persuasive and I know that this will be very easy and simple to do - so don't you worry.

I love you so much please never doubt that. You are my husband and I will stand by you through fat and thin.

Your Doughnut XXX

After all, he did pick an actual real life hotel so what possible reason could there be for not giving me the contact details? Very Happy

Love Phil X

Posted: Thu Sep 01, 2011 12:17 pm

Yay - a new family member!

Quote:

Subject: Doughnut - haha, good one!

Hi Mike,

you don’t know me; I’m Erica M****, née Erica ****. That’s right, I’m the daughter of the woman you know as Doughnut. I guess she never talked about me; she has always been a bad mother. We don’t speak to each other since a couple of years, when I moved out and married that creep, Fred „Wagg“ ****. Well, Wagg has left me (and our business which is now mine alone), so I’m just fine.

The other day I met my father, Bulldog, and heard that you are planning to marry my mother. Good luck! You will need it. Dad gave me your email address, he found it on mom’s PC.

Bulldog also said that there are rumours that mom wants to donate her money to you and your daughter. You do realise that by rights it should be my money? And that I could cause you a lot of trouble if I wanted to? However, there should be an easier way to get that money of hers – if we co-operate and you give me a fair share. I’m thinking fifty percent. I might even help you with legal matters.

Let me know your plans.
Erica

Posted: Thu Sep 01, 2011 12:32 pm

I love this! lawsuits and counter lawsuits! It could tie up the family fortune for YEARS to come. And laddo can't do a thing about it

Nice one! as Big Kev used to say: "I'm excited!" clapping

Posted: Thu Sep 01, 2011 12:37 pm

Phil Yerboots wrote:

Climb aboard the Mike Train!! Poop poop! or should that be boat? Very Happy

Of COURSE it's the boat. It's the love boat:

http://youtu.be/YlCzNvL0fsI

Posted: Thu Sep 01, 2011 1:01 pm

"Wagg" is a dog food brand. Very Happy

Posted: Thu Sep 01, 2011 1:19 pm

@Jeanette - Welcome to the family Jeanette! You wouldn't be dysfunctional now would you? Wink

I'm sure you'll make dog food out of him!

@Chrys - Yeah!! happy crowd

It's a Love Boat Party!! with Mike providing the balls for the disco.

Poor Mike hasn't a clue. He writes somewhat desperately:

Quote:

Hey My sweet wife,

Good morning baby, How are you doing on this new day? I hope good. I'd been thinking alot about you, and worried about myself and our daughter Little Doughnut, Now she's not happy about the fact that we're going to be kicked out in a few days for not getting the debts paid yet. Mr. Feldman sent me a message and he's still being very difficult, and he's making me think he really don't want to help me. I'll give you the hotel manager's e-mail address so you can contact him and maybe talk to him, I hope he gets to understand you cuz he seems to be losing his patience over me and Little Doughnut.. His e-mail address is <snip> .
Sweety i want to ask you a question, Do you know who Erica Malthius Is? she claims to be your daughter and that you had abandoned her a long time ago, she also said you've been a bad mother, she said her Dad checked your your PC where he saw my e-mail address and gave to her, that's how she could send me a message. I believe she must have read the newspaper cuz she now seem to know what's going on. I'll be looking forward to hear back from you my darling sweetheart, and I hope you get along very well with the Hotel manager, he's a good man but seem not to be patient anymore.

I'm happy to have you in my life, a woman who's ready to stand by me through good and bad times, and i promise to be your man for the rest of my life.

Your Husband,
Mike.

Now Mike's got a fight on his hands, he'll have to "work" harder than ever before!

Love Phil X

Posted: Thu Sep 01, 2011 1:33 pm

The lying barstead:

Quote:

you had abandoned her a long time ago

I said I moved out! boxer

He wants to sever the tender family ties between mother and daughter by slandering the sweet offspring. Evil or Very Mad

Posted: Fri Sep 02, 2011 1:28 am

@ Jeanette. Surely that's slander, sue his ass for a cool 20 mill (or a gold trunkbox) Wink

ETA: Laddo sends me this:

Quote:

I've heard you Mr. Feldman, Thanks very much...

Lazy asshole, I gotta think of a way of lighting a fire under his sorry ass Evil or Very Mad

Posted: Fri Sep 02, 2011 4:26 pm

^^ Ha! He's just conserving his energy, Chrys. After all, he's got three people to deal with now!

Mike gets this from Doughnut:

Quote:

My sweet Mike!

Oh my stars! what is my daughter Erica doing getting in touch with you? What on earth is that little fleshpot doing? Mike I haven't seen or spoken to her for about 10 years but I know she and Simon (Bulldog), are still fairly close. Sorry my darling but this is a bit of a shock to me. What did she say to you? Maybe it IS something to do with what was in the newspaper that's really clever of you to put the two together, Mike. It's strange that she would get in touch now. She must want something.

And I was never a bad mother to her! There was the incident with the potato in the sock but that doesn't make me bad.

Have you replied to her? See if you can find out more Mike. Not only are you a captain on my boat but now you are a private dick too!!

I love you so much

Doughnut XXX

Well, more of a public dick really, but I'm sure Mike will be on the case.

Love Phil X

Baiting Guru Joined: 27 Mar 2011 Posts: 21158

Quote:

And I was never a bad mother to her! There was the incident with the potato in the sock

A can of chili makes a mess. Wasting food and making a mess at the same time to punish a little strumpet! What kind of example would that be?

Posted: Fri Sep 02, 2011 9:44 pm

^^ That's cryptic next victim. What does it mean?

Baiting Guru Joined: 27 Mar 2011 Posts: 21158

I was referring to an old movie scene, and I cannot even recall which movie, but someone used a can of chili in a piilowcase, I think, and the walls were painted with it.

Akin to your potato in a sock thing there!

Posted: Sat Sep 03, 2011 9:21 am

Lazy Mike didn't contact Erica yet, and I bet he doesn't work weekends. I guess I'll have to write him again.

Posted: Sun Sep 04, 2011 3:40 am

In the meantime, I take up jeanette's wonderful idea of letting lad know Jeanette's character is out to get the funds. I send an urgent note to Doughnut, BCCing Lad and jeanette:

Quote:

Dear Ms Doughnut,

I have received your request to unfreeze the money requested by Mr Scammer, and believe me, I am sympathetic to the pain and suffering he is currently going through. However as I mentioned in my previous email to you, there is a procedure that has to followed when requesting the amount of money Mr Scammer is and I am obligated both personally and professionally to abide by that procedure.

However, that is NOT why I am writing to you. As you know from when you visited a few years back, the law firm Community here in Elaine is a very close knit bunch of people and a friend of mine who works for the firm has informed me that he has so much work at the moment that he recommended to take on a case for him. That case is is Jeanette, and she is about to lodge a case against you, citing that the money you have is hers and not yours.

Now that Mr Hutz knows we are representing you, I am not only sure he will take the case himself due to our high success rate in criminal proceedings, but I am also sure he will work as fast as he can to lodge the case before the court before we can lodge an injunction to prevent this. I have spent the weekend in talks with my Partner , and we have agreed that due to the extraordinary circumstances now surrounding this case, should Mr Scammer manage to lodge his completed and corrected form as soon as possible, we will consider his request immediately.

Please do not mention I have told you this Doughnut, but we go back a long way and thought you should know Jeanette is out to get you. I will be working around the clock to get that injunction ready.

Barry

What a pity that no matter how fast Lad gets the form in, it will be too late... Twisted Evil

Posted: Sun Sep 04, 2011 7:23 am

Meanwhile, Erica gives Mike a last chance to come to his senses:

Quote:

Well, Mike,

it looks like you don’t believe me - big mistake! I couldn’t be successful in a business like mine if I were not ready to follow through with my threats. Did I tell you I am a bookmaker and very familiar with the dog racing and fighting community?

So I’ve got a lawyer now who is keen to sue both you and my mother, and Mr H**** says we have a good case since you are not yet married to my mother.

I can stop that lawsuit any time you tell me that you are ready to co-operate, and if treated well, I can be a good business partner.

I’m attaching a photo so you can see who you are dealing with.

Make up your mind soon!
Erica

Posted: Sun Sep 04, 2011 6:26 pm

@next victim - yes, I seem to remember that as well but couldn't tell you which film. I was of course thinking of Full Metal jacket but I believe it was a bar of soap in the sock so god knows where I came up with potato! Laughing

Thanks to Chrys and Jeanette, Mike is now begging like a wounded goat:

Quote:

Hey my sweet Doughnut!

How are you doing today? I don't care about Erica, I just thought i should let you know she e-mailed. Baby, what's really going on? Do you want to help me or not? Please let me know now cuz I don't understand you anymore. You know how much i need your help and you have the money to help me but you're absolutely not doing anything about it. I'm going to be jailed in a few days for having not paid my debts. The manager can't be patient with me anymore, It's been over 4 months now baby.
He got my right hand scanned this morning and have the cops escort me everywhere i go so if i don't pay the debt in few days as he'd given me, then he'll let the government deal with me, and spend years in Jail for toying with the hotel's business. I thought you was going to e-mail him, why haven't you done that?
Do you really want to help me baby? Do you really want to wipe tears off me and Little Doughnut's eyes? or do you want me to suffer in Jail? and our daughter live life of homeless kids? or how would you feel if you were in my shoes and i'm not doing anything to help you? Don't you have rights over your own money? Can't you get money from your lawyer so i can pay the bills? Why are you making me go through all this? Tell me ...

I love it! wiping tears from their eyes Very Happy

. I have to say that's some pretty fancy kit they got at the hotel! I wonder if they've laser scanned his iris and taken DNA too!

Little Doughnut is also feeling the pain:

Quote:

mummy, why are you doing this to me and daddy? why do you not want to help us? why, why, why mummy? why do you want daddy end up this way? and leave me in the streets? do you still love us like you always did?
Mom am not happy with you at all. why can't you get this money send your self so we can pay the Bills.. Daddy is not happy am not happy also Mummy pls help us out i beg you Mum. i have nothing too eat just thinking crying why are u doing all this too us mummy? and i know you have this money with you

Meanwhile the Hotel manager gets this:

Dear Mr Sylvester - may I call you ? My name is Please call me Doughnut. My husband-to-be Mike Connor and his daughter Susan have been staying at your Hotel for some months and I know they are behind on their bills.

I assure you that I have more than enough money to cover their debts and will be happy to forward you the full amount and an additional month to cover any future bills so please do not throw them out as all will be taken care of.

Please give me your hotel bank account details and I will have my lawyer transfer the cash immediately.

Thank you for your help and kind understanding.

The plot thickens!!

Love Phil X

Posted: Tue Sep 06, 2011 5:40 am

Phil Yerboots wrote:

I have to say that's some pretty fancy kit they got at the hotel! I wonder if they've laser scanned his iris and taken DNA too!

Yes, but you DON'T want to know exactly WHERE they got their samples from! puke

Posted: Tue Sep 06, 2011 3:36 pm

^^You're right Chrys, I don't!!

Mike seems happy to learn that I've contacted the Hotel:

Quote:

I believe that's the message you sent the Hotel manager, and that's good sweetheart. I want to thank you very much for that. Little Doughnut asked me to send her greetings to you and that she miss you like I've also missed you alot and I don't want you to think about Erica, we don't have any business with her ok?. I really hope we get through this in a little time and get together cuz i can't wait to ride with you and our daughter on that speed boat you got for us. I love you so much for being there for us through think and thin, and I want you to know that you'll always be my woman. I have to go to bed now as I look forward to hear from you again and I hope the Hotel manager gets back to you as soon as possible.. Love you so much baby .. Your Husband Mike.

Mr Lockwood the hotel manager gets in touch too. Looks like he wants to resolve Mike's predicament:

Quote:

Thanks very much for the message Mrs. Doughnut and yes you may call me Lockwood for business reasons. I believe Mr. Mike Connor must have told you how the hotel has given him alot times to stay with his little beautiful daughter and that's because I was taking the whole risk for him but it's good now that you're going to help him get out his debts as my Boss is planning to get him to face law and get Jailed. I have shown the e-mail to my Boss but he told me he prefers debts like this to be sent through western union money transfer cuz he only accepts bank account for local transfers. Therefore, he asked me to give you the following details you need to send the money through western union -----

Name ........
Address ......... 26 Queens Gardens
City ........ London
Country ....... United Kingdom

Please note: You'll have to send 1,500pounds every 3 days until get to the amount of debts he is owing the hotel which is 10,500pounds

The Hotel will be looking forward to hear back from you Mrs. Doughnut as you're going to pay Mr. Mike Connor's debts..

Thanks very much,
Caesars Hotels..

Doughnut replies to the hotel:

Quote:

Dear Cockwood,

Thank you for your kind help and understanding. I do hope we can continue to resolve this matter swiftly. I have asked my friend and lawyer Mr Feldman to give this his top, top, top priority and have forwarded your email and this reply to him.

However, I know for certain that he will only authorise a bank transfer as he is a professional and only does things professionally. Please tell your boss that there will not be a problem because "he only accepts bank account for local transfers" because I am local so I can do the transfer once Mr Feldman has released the funds which I have asked him to do.

To be honest I would find the business of sending money every 3 days a bit tiresome but that is what I will do if that is what you want.

Please write back to me and CC your email and details to Mr Feldman asap because I do not want Mike and Little Doughnut to suffer for one minute more.

Thank you,

Yours thankingly,

Doughnut X

Hope Mike and Little D get to ride in that boat soon. I have a feeling though that it won't be that speedy. Fortunately, unless he does as we say it'll be Lockwood's fault - not ours.

EDIT: I decide to help the exchanges between Mike and Erica along:

Quote:

My darling Mike.

Do not take Erica lightly - she is a smart cookie. I should know - she came out of my daffodil. She definitely got my looks and my brains - all she got from Simon was probably his stubborness and murderous qualities.

Write to her and find out what she wants and what she's doing darling but obviously tell me too. Together I think we can thwart any plans she might have against us. I would never abandon you and Little D. You are my family now. Erica and Simon can have each other.

I love you.

Can't wait for you to steer our speed boat and I can hold onto you tight as we bounce up and down on the waves and make each other sick!

Your Doughnut XX

Love Phil X

Posted: Tue Sep 06, 2011 6:33 pm

I hope Mr Feldman lets him rot there.

Quote:

She definitely got my looks

You wish!

EDIT: I love Torchwood!