Bad Mother...

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Posted: Fri Jul 29, 2011 7:32 pm

Phil Yerboots wrote:

And for the lovely reminder of dear old Joey from Blue Peter!!

Ah, a gentleman of culture like myself eh?

Joey will never be forgotten, and I have a feeling he may be about to start baiting...

Posted: Tue Aug 02, 2011 8:43 am

^^ That's right Toxteth, who could forget dear old Joey and uh…the other guy who translated for him. Of course at the time we merely turned his heart-warming and inspirational tale into a new playground taunt but that's kids.

Mike says:

Quote:

You, you, you and you alone... you shall reign in my heart. You are the one I desire without whom I could not be complete. I will live for you alone and I will work for you alone. I will share with you my thoughts, my heart, my mind and my body. I am waiting to receive you. I will never use force on you not even by words. I will always be honest, transparent and sincere. I want always to be at your side... I love you,Your happiness means everything to me. I love you more than you could possibly know and my love keeps growing every time I see you struggling to make me happy. I love you, Baby, now and always. I promise you my heart and all the love in it for the rest of my life..

Honey am right now in sybercafe, baby am not happy on till i saw your mail am very happy now and i promise too love u and give you all the love in word baby, honey send it too me okay

Name.
Country. . Lodnon UK

I merely sent a message saying I love you too with a big picture attachment stating Happy Anniversary. It has been 6 months after all.

He replies:

Quote:

I wanted to tell you today how good I feel about us and our future. I enjoyed being with you.everything we do is even more meaningful because it isn't just for today ... it's for always. You make me feel really happy, and I'll always love making you feel special too

I'm so satisfied with all we have together, and I'm sure that those feelings will last ... that I'll cherish you through a lifetime of beautiful tomorrows. I want you to know how pleased I am to be a part of your life, how much it means to me to know I'll always be in love with you and only you!

So honey when will you get the money send too me have been waiting for that since yesterday what going on love make me happy am not happy here.. i want too be with you in person baby. get the money send too me so i can pay all my Bills

here is my Number Call me baby +44702XXX [a re-router that identifies as Las Vegas, Nevada] Call me Honey am missed You

Followed by:

Quote:

Honey let me pay my internet Bills Before i can talk to u i always go too Cafe honey am not happy about that..

Mike

Doughnut gives him a mild slap:

Quote:

My darling Mike,

I will tell you what I am not happy about too. Do you read my mails? It was our anniversary yesterday. I sent you a picture. You did not even mention it! I know men are forgetful about such things but hoped you would remember. Why is it always the woman who thinks of such things? You have not said one word about it! Shame on you, Mike don't be such a pig-headed man.

I have asked you for the details of the hotel and the manager so I can pay all your bills. All of them. I am still waiting. That is why you are still waiting. You keep making your own problems and I don't understand why. I guess it is because you don't read things properly.

Darling, you complain about having to go to the intrenet cafe. I have two seats on a first class plane waiting for you. Why don't you use them? Why don't you come here? What are you waiting for? I don't understand you. Are you afraid? What is stopping you?

I have everything ready for you and Little Doughnut but everytime I make things easy for you, you make them difficult. I tell you that I want you to be in my life forever and that I want you to inherit all I have so that you and Little Doughnut will always be safe and cared for. I ask you politely if my lawyer can contact you to arrange this. Again you say nothing!

Do you want us to have a future together forever and ever? Do you want the same things I do? Do you want to stop being a silly-billy and take charge of things and be a man?

I love you Mike but sometimes you're just so weak and pathetic. I thought you were a big, strong man who would look after me and protect me. Sometimes I feel like it's the other way around and you are just a little boy and I am looking after you. I am happy to be Little Doughnut's Super-Mummy but I didn't think I'd have to be yours as well.

Doughnut XXXX

PS. I will call you soon. My special robot throat-box has been malfunctioning. At the moment it makes me sound like a cross between Barry White and a farting frog.

I'm not sure who's going for the sand-timer here. Me or him? He certainly drags his feet. Not that I'm complaining! Very Happy

Love Phil X

Posted: Tue Aug 02, 2011 4:29 pm

Quote:

At the moment it makes me sound like a cross between Barry White and a farting frog.

Master Baiter Joined: 09 Jun 2011 Posts: 197

6 month already?? Wow!! You really got him hooked. I love your latest reply!

Posted: Tue Aug 02, 2011 7:08 pm

Posted: Tue Aug 02, 2011 8:36 pm

@Fartina - I thought you'd appreciate that one.

@Pretty's and Sweet - thanks. I feel all warm and fuzzy at the thought of me and Mike spending so long together. And here's probably why. He's so NICE! Even when he gets a slap he thanks me for it!

Quote:

Hello darling doughnut , how are you doing thanks for the mail and as well your concern about my situation...i really enjoyed reading your mail you made me feel cared for, as i told you what am passing through over here...you need to understand my feelings am really owning a lot of debt on me, is not that i can't give you the hotel details but i don't think you need it .. i just want you to assist me with the cash so that i can pay off all my debt am not really owning only the hotel bills i still have to pay off my debt in one supermarket over here...that was where i get food stuff for Susan i have been promising them about a week ago that am going to clear my bills, if you can assist me am going to clear all the bills ... i hope you can understand me with all my explanation all because of you i had to go n open account do that i can receive the cash from you...to let you know again i lend the cash from someone to do that, if you can assist me i promise you am not going to ask you for any other money...i will just be looking forward to meet you in person.... just try to send the cash today and try to call me today so that we can about it on phone. Honey i love you so much with all my heart and soul and have promise too never let You down. baby just try and get the money send today i will be very happy about that Ok i love you so much and i will always loving you till the rest of my life

Darling am so sorry that i couldn't commented on your pics i was carried away all because to much thinking was on my head,please forgive me in that aspect.........

Call me so that u can talk to Susan also

We are missed you here Honey..

Mike

I'll edit in a reply. Let him sweat for a couple of days first. But I am thinking I need to speak to this scam crap. The offer of talking to him AND Little Doughnut is too good to waste. I've never done a phone chat though. And I've never used Skype. Any advice?

Love Phil X

Baiting Guru Joined: 27 Mar 2011 Posts: 21158

Quote:

all because of you i had to go n open account

He is so SPETHIAL!

Posted: Tue Aug 02, 2011 9:51 pm

Phil Yerboots wrote:

^^ That's right Toxteth, who could forget dear old Joey and uh…the other guy who translated for him. Of course at the time we merely turned his heart-warming and inspirational tale into a new playground taunt but that's kids.

That was Ernie Roberts, and I'm convinced to this day that he just made it up as he went along. Joey was probably asking for a pint, and all he ever got was a cup of tea.

Yes, Biddy Baxter and the Blue Peter production team significantly overestimated the maturity of the nation's children. The very next day, our grim northern playground wash awash with cries of 'JOEY!', and the disturbing sight of children attempting to bite their own shoulders. Took our minds off the burning cars and unemployment I suppose.

Anyway, I digress. You don't need me to tell you, but fantastic baiting, and I just love Doughnut. Your lad is still hoping for his payday!

Posted: Fri Aug 05, 2011 10:21 pm

^^

One shouldn't laugh, Toxteth but that's pretty much what happened in our playground. That and for months afterwards anyone who was a bit dim or did something stupid got called "A Joey".

Mike's gone quiet so Doughnut keeps him up to date with a short message:

Quote:

Hi my darling Mike Doughnut.

Sorry I have not written for a while I had to go back to the hospital because my new voice box got stuck in deep throat mode which was very uncomfortable. I am home now but very tired will write t oyou tomorrow,

Love you XXX

I figured it was time to feed the pet!

Posted: Wed Aug 10, 2011 8:49 am

…and we're back. Mike went a bit quiet even after I prodded him with a stick but he's soldiering on:

Quote:

How are u doing hope all is well with you have really missed you so much just thinking about you love.. But honey did you see what i wrote you last hope u understand me baby?

I reply:

Quote:

Hello my darling Mike.

Yes I understand that things have not gone very well for you in London and that you are frustrated. You know that you have always had my love and support from the very beginning. And you have it now. Darling because I am in and out of the hospital so regularly I have decided to hand all my financial dealings over to my lawyer. The doctors are worried that what is left of my actual real body is rejecting the new robot parts and that I could get ferrous poisoning at anytime. I have asked my lawyer to both draw up a plan to pay off all your debts for you AND make you and Little Doughnut my sole heirs to my fortune and properties if anything should happen to me. He will contact you as soon as he can.

So don't worry about anything my sweet - everything is going to be ok. I love you. Can you ask Little Doughnut to write to me? I haven't heard from her for so long. Her super-mummy misses her and wants to know how she is.

Your Doughnut XX

At which the talented InternationalChrysis gets involved:

Quote:

Dear Mr Connor,

My Name is , and I am a senior Partner here at . I have been instructed to get in contact with you by a Ms Doughnut, one of our wealthier clients with instructions to aid your current debt problems.

With that in mind, we have been given power of attorney over Ms doughnut's fortune. We have been authorised to not only aid you in your efforts to become debt free, but have also been instructed to redraft Ms Doughnut's will to name you and her child as the sole beneficiaries of her will, her financial assets currently stand at $923,476. It is my understanding that amount is to be split between yourself and her child. Though there will be fees deducted from this amount by our firm as well as any money you use to eradicate your current debts.

We will inform you as soon as the will is redrafted. There does seem to be some urgency on this matter, it is our understanding that Ms Doughnut's Prosthetic limbs are failing and that our client may not live past the next few months.

Let me assure you Mr Connor that we have our most senior staff on this matter. If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to get in contact with me, via email or the Phone number listed below. My staff have been instructed to forward all calls made by you to me immediately.

Barry

But Mike's not happy:

Quote:

Hun am not happy just thinking crying cus i think you dont love me at all why can't you get the money send too me since all this day, am your hausband and my wish is your command. Oh My God u are hurting my feeling and i know u do have the money with u there why are u doing all this too me?? If you can't get the money send too me let me know now.

You always tell me u do love me so much with all your heart and soul, You promise too never let me down and what are u now doing too me now tell me babe.

Am not happy with u at all

Mike

I don't think he's happy. He sends this too:

Quote:

Honey believe me i will never email anybody okay if you know u really love me send the money your self Okay

Now it's MY turn to not be happy:

Quote:

MIke, I am shocked. I am lost for words. I am dumbfounded. I am flabbergasted. Do you have no sympathy for me at all? Do you care about the fact that I am a very sick and ill person? Do you care that I could die? That my poor, weak body is rejecting the robot? Do you appreciate that I have to go back and forth to the hospital regularly? Do you know that since they replaced my daffodil with a rubber cup that I have to pee standing up as if I were a man?

Your answers to these questions must be NO NO NO NO NO!!! I can't send the money myself because I can barely crawl let alone walk. If you had been here months ago like you promised you could have helped me and seen with your own eyes what problems I have. If you had been more of a man you would have got on the plane with Little Doughnut and been here with me to share my days and nights. Possibly my very last ones. But instead all you do is whine and moan like a small girl. I bet Little Doughnut has more balls than you. Sorry for my language but you have hurt me so deeply.

Every time I offer you money to help you, you make some new problem. You can't fill in a form because it's too complicated or you can't give me the name of the hotel manager because it's too much trouble or you can't do this or you can't do that. All the time I have to wait for you and my lovely daughter. And wait and wait. I say Let me come to London to see you and bring the money with me and you say no, I don't want you to come to London. You make all the problems and all the excuses and I don't understand why.

My lawyer Mr Feldman is in charge of all my finances now because I wanted to make sure that if I die before I see you that you would have everything I own because I don't want Simon to have a penny. I do something to help you and you get angry? You are a strange man, Mike.

Mr Feldman is a professional. He can help you much more easily than I can now BECAUSE I AM VERY SICK!!! Do you understand? But yet again you make problems for yourself by saying you will not write to him. Well then you will never get anything will you? It is that simple.

I am so very, very tired, Mike. I love you and Little Doughnut so much but I don't know if I have the strength to carry on. You should be making my life easier but instead you make it harder.

I think you need to have a long, hard look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself a question. What good am I?

Your sad but ever loving Doughnut XXXX

It would seem Mike has no choice but to deal with Barry the Lawyer. But I'm sure if he does (and I'll try and make damn sure he has to) that the courteous, professional service he offers will have Mike sorted in no time at all.

Love Phil X

Hello I'm New here! Joined: 18 May 2011 Posts: 17

At this point, I think I need to start a spreadsheet to keep up with all the characters and events. This is fun!

Posted: Fri Aug 12, 2011 8:54 am

^^ Thanks Gigglestick! I think you need to send me a copy when you're done! Wink

Mike replies with some cut n paste guff that he's already sent to me on another occasion and then tags on his money demand at the end:

Quote:

Hun you just need to understand me am not happy here, i told you i have a lot of bills here too pay, that is why only if you can tell your lawyer too send me 5000 and i promise to be there with you love, have been thinking dreaming of you i can't do a day without you babe, believe me i love you more than you think, i know you have the money and you don't believe in me at all you think maybe am playing your heart believe me,Am a Caring Faithful honest man.

I open an Account with my name just for you too believe me am not playing your heart love, i love you so much. i can't wait to be there with you love do something about this,

Mike

So since he's been so kind as to accept another baiter into this tale of woe AND set himself up for hopefully providing another bank account and a second piggy, I let his laziness pass:

Quote:

Hello Mike.

I know you love me. And I hope you know that I love you and Little Doughnut too. It is such a shame that we are arguing and fighting over money when I have so much of it I don't even know how to spend it all. You will always be more important to me than money. Please let's just get this sorted out so we can enjoy the time I have left. If I die before seeing you and holding you and having your dinkle in my daffodil cup and your lips on my half a face and your hands on my rubber breast-buds and nip-naps I don't know what I'll do.

Mr Feldman has instructions to help you as quickly and as professionally as he can. I'll ask him to contact you and he will organise the transfer of the £5000. I'm glad you have a special account opened because this will make things a lot easier and swifter so make sure you reply to him this time.

I miss you Mike. I look forward to your letters every day. I really miss Little Doughnut too. PLEASE ask her to write to me immediately so we can straighten everything out. I don't want her to think badly about you because we are not together. I'm sure that even if she hasn't said anything to you she probably blames you for all the problems and delays. And although it is all your fault I know you can't help being a half-wit and I love you despite your shortcomings and mental retardation.

I look forward to hearing from her and seeing you both very, very soon.

Your Doughnut XXXX

So hopefully, Mike and InternationalChrysis can talk money leaving me and Mike free to talk about the more important things in life - like what colour sheets he wants on the bed. Jockeys or boxers? That sort of thing.

Love Phil X

Master Baiter Joined: 09 Jun 2011 Posts: 197

Quote:

mental retardation

You offend him so often and he doesnt even care. I know he only wants your money.

Posted: Fri Aug 12, 2011 11:32 am

He's just too lazy to look up "retardation" in the dictionary.

Posted: Fri Aug 12, 2011 5:23 pm

Laddo writes back to the law firm:

Quote:

i have nothing to tell you okay she is my wife and if she do love me tell her to get the money send too me am not happy here with Susan Ok

Really? How tedious, we can't have that it simply won't do! Wink

I respond with this:

Quote:

Dear Mr Scammer,

My Apologies on this late reply. We have had several problems regarding the Child Custody case that I am sure you will be aware has been making worldwide news.

Let me explain myself more clearly as you do not seem to comprehend what is going on. Doughnut has made us her power of attorney in all matters financial in relation to Ms Doughnut and yourself. I will get started on the paperwork next week. You will be required to explain in detail your current financial status, your financial needs and how much you wish to request be sent to your account.

Once we have these details we will send you the paperwork needed to facilitate this.

Again if you have any queries, please do not hesitate to email me or phone us on the number below

.

I plan to "help" him out as much as possible... Twisted Evil

Posted: Sun Aug 14, 2011 4:46 am

Laddo gets back to Barry, seems he only needs five grand:

Quote:

See Mr Lawyer i have nothing too say OK.. i just send an email too my wife now, the only thing i just want from you now is that get the 5000 and send it too me so i can get my flight booking there okay.

Did you understand me

I'll let him know that not only did I understand him, I also really feel for him, especially when he discovers the paperwork I have planned... Twisted Evil

Posted: Sun Aug 14, 2011 10:48 am

A lad working on a weekend?

He can't be a very successful scammer.

Posted: Sun Aug 14, 2011 12:06 pm

^^ Maybe he's trying to get ahead of the competition, Jeanette. Or more likely, I have seen the different styles in grammar, spelling and content of the many emails exchanged with Mike and am pretty sure it's a gang. Maybe they're breaking in a new boy and making him work when no-one else wants to? Very Happy

@Chrys. I can only apologise for the appaling attitude of my husband-to-be. His tone is arrogant and offensive. Please forward me his email (if not already) and I will give him a monumental slap. I will not have him talking to an old family friend like that!

Posted: Sun Aug 14, 2011 12:35 pm

^^^ I BCC you in any emails I send to laddo. And besides, my copy of the Hitch hiker's guide to the Galaxy is waiting patiently in my DVD player. Over the next day or two I plan to bone up on Vogon Bureaucracy and will slap him myself in due course!

wait 'till I ask for forms in TRIPLICATE! Wink

Posted: Mon Aug 15, 2011 5:53 am

Lad gets back to me:

Quote:

have not hear from you what going on?

Seems laddo hasn't been completely Honest:

Quote:

Dear Mr Scammer,

As I mentioned in my last email to you, I need you to be completely honest with me, and I do not believe you are doing that. A measly five thousand dollars? Please, at least TRY to lie to me better than you have been so far. Ms Doughnut made it perfectly clear to me that you are in fact in deep financial trouble, and if I am to help you, you need to be completely honest with me.

I need a DETAILED list of your current expenditure, so as to be able to determine how much money to send you per month as per Ms Doughnut's explicit instructions. I cannot begin to organise the required paperwork without those Figures Mr Scammer, so please, refrain from your current Tardiness and complete the expenditure list I require.

Please bear in mind (And I cannot stress this enough) failure to comply with my instructions will result in your not receiving a single cent. And do not fret about the cost of the airline tickets, I am trying to organise tickets for you as we speak. Please send me the details of your journey, such as your departure point, which class seating you require and travel times.

Barry

I've been watching the Movie version of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, the Vogons have truly inspired me. Am hoping for tips from them to really rattle laddo's cage Wink

Posted: Mon Aug 15, 2011 10:40 am

^^ Ha! No doubt you'll have him spitting blood and feathers eventually. Thanks Chrys.

Mike sends a loada cut n paste love crap but a nice picture of some roses and champagne which he took off the intrenet so he gets a photo from Doughnut as a reward. I won't share it here but suffice it to say - NOT sexy.

Quote:

Oh Mike,

I love you more and more and more too! I hope you are safe and well after all the terrible things that have been happening in London. Are you ok? Did you see anything? I hope to God you were not involved. I know you are a sad, desperate man but I cannot believe you would do anything illegal. Please put my mind at rest and tell me what happened to you.

You are so kind. Thank you for the photo of the roses and champagne. I hope you will save some for me to toast our future together. I believe Mr Feldman has everything ready to make sure you and Little Doughnut are out of debt and will be taken care of for the rest of your lives. He is a good and honest man - a bit anal about forms and doing everything exact and correct but he will make sure that you get anything you need quickly and promptly so just do whatever you have to do with him to get your money.

It is such a weight off my mind to know that he is dealing with my finances now. And with your love I know I can be strong and carry on and hopefully live long enough to have a good life with you and my darling daughter. Who I hope is being good. I know she can be a bit of a naughty numpty sometimes. I trust she is giving you no trouble or rudeness. If she is being a bit cheeky make her eat a bar of soap with some wee-wee dressing. Either her own or yours will be fine.

Please ask her to write to me again - I miss her so much.

Honey I am so embarassed and ashamed of my strange, bizarre body but I know of all the men in the world you are the only one who could still love me. It has taken me a long time to pluck up the courage to send you a picture. Here is one of my new rubber breast-bud-nip-naps. Please please don't be horrified. Just tell me honestly what you think about them. Are they real looking enough? Are they big enough? Do you think you would feel happy touching them? Would you wear them yourself?

I need to know all these things so please be truthful with me.

Your ever-loving Doughnut XXXX

Poor Mike. Some nightmare version of the Bionic Woman on one side and Alien Accountants on the other. He's going to need therapy when this is over.

Love Phil X

Master Baiter Joined: 26 Mar 2011 Posts: 128

I am not sure if a therapy will be enough for him... Very Happy

wonderfull - especially with the new input with the lawyer.

great work!
Orange Rose

Posted: Tue Aug 16, 2011 2:14 pm

Thanks orange rose! Chrys will be an excellent lawyer, I'm sure.

Mike fortunately is safe and sound after the recent trouble in London:

Quote:

Yes I'm very safe, I didn't come out throughout the riot so I can be safe cuz it was worse and terrible but I thank God that neither me nor Susan was affected. I love you too so much my darling sweetheart, and been so worried about you, I really can't wait until this is over and we get in eachother's arms forever.. I need you so bad my darling sweetheart...

Mr. Feldman told me to give him details of the debts i'm owing, before he can do anything, which i did give him and I hope that's going to be all he needs to get us out of debts sweetheart. It only takes a Good man to deal with another's finances, he's a good lawyer and I hope to meet him someday.. I'm very glad to hear from you baby, Your message got me melting in the heart, and I really can't wait to show you how much love i've got in my heart for you my darling sweetheart.. You're the best thing that has ever happened to me, You mean so much to me that's why I'll always be with you in good and bad times, and through thick and thin..

Susan has been asking about your health, and I've been telling her you're gon be fine soon, and that in a little time all our debts are going to be paid and she felt good to hear that. I just want to be happy with you forever cuz i know you're the right and perfect one for me sweetheart... I can never forget the love you've shown me, and forever i'll be your man baby...

Baby no matter how weird your body looks like, i'll be happy to feel your skin, the one i love and one who makes me happy with thoughts of her in my mind, i just want you to know that you've got a beautiful heart and that's what i'll not let go forever, that beautiful heart of yours will be mine forever, I assure you. I'm so overwhelmed in your love and together we will last forever.. Baby I have to get ready for bed now, while i look forward to hear back from you,

Your loving sweetheart,
Mike..

Ahhh...so sweet. Doughnut is impressed:

Quote:

Oh Mike. I'm so glad you are safe. I was very worried about you both. I had visions of Little Doughnut in a black hoodie throwing bricks at the police and then thieving a new pair of sandals or whatever young children wear nowadays. You are a good father and have obviously taught her to be honest and trustworthy and responsible for her actions by your own good example.

Please give Mr Feldman all the information he needs darling. I want you to be truthful because you know I don't want you to be worried or stressed about money ever again. Life is too short to let money rule your life, darling so don't be ashamed to tell Mr Feldman how much you need.

Thank you for saying such beautiful things about me darling. You have made me feel a lot better about my hideousness and freakish appearance. You have a good heart too. You are a special man, Mike. To be able to look past the scars, the grafts, the metal plates and gears, the rubber and plastic lady-parts and still see the woman behind the nightmare mask.

Give Little Doughnut my love and a big kiss and hug to you.

Your Doughnut forever XXXX

Come on Mike! It's only going to be a few forms to fill in. You're so close!!

Love Phil X

Posted: Tue Aug 16, 2011 7:16 pm

Oooh, I can't wait to see the list of his monthly expenses!

Posted: Wed Aug 17, 2011 2:37 am

^^^ Glad to oblige, laddo sends me this:

Quote:

Thanks for getting back to me Mr. Barry.. I'll give you a detailed list of my current Expenses as you demand,and it is as follows:
1) 4 months hotel bill debts (75 pounds /night)
- 75 pounds multiply 120 days(4 months) = 9000.00 pounds

2) Food and snacks bill debts for me and my daughter Susan ..... 950.00 pounds

Altogether i'll be having to pay a debt of 9,950.00 pounds....

And about the Depature point, that will be London Heathrow airport, and Class seating should be Economy, and I'll like the departure time to be 6am in the morning cuz i'll be coming with my daughter.. I hope you'll be fine with the details i've given to you...

Thanks very much,
scammer.

Now, exactly WHERE was laddo going? I need to book tickets to somewhere that SOUNDS like it Wink

ETA I send laddo back this, seems Barry's a bit anal about forms:

Quote:

Dear Mr Scammer,

Thank you for getting back to me as quickly as you have. However, it wouldn't be prudent of me to send you money without a copy of the actual bills. Please scan them and forward them to me as soon as possible, and I will have the forms sent out as soon as I receive them.

Barry

THAT should throw a spanner into the works!