The Ditz discovers Christ (man) *NSFW

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Posted: Tue Jun 28, 2011 3:51 am

Here's another lad who's suddenly changed location for me. Meet Christman, and he's fallen for me:

Quote:

I am interested in your profile.. I will like to know more about you am Christman, if you don't mind chatting and get to know me more on yahoo messenger .. you can add me for a chat on <snippo>

I send back my standard reply:

Quote:

I am sorry, but I am only looking to meet other Australians.

I wish you well in your search,

Ditz

All of a sudden, he's in Oz!!! (yeah, riiiiight):

Quote:

My name is Christman from Miami,FL, but presently in Australia for a speacial reason, I am 34yrs old single never married ,no kids, 5'8ft and 132Ibs.... I am a charity worker, help to raise fund for the less privilege people and I am seeking for soulmate and I am ready to relocate to meet my woman wherever she is now .I am a happy, vivacious, driven, intelligent, confident, beautiful, self-motivated, young man. Perhaps a little stubborn at times. I'm friendly,classy,yet laid back and have a great sense of humor,it takes a while for me to built trust in someone new.
I am honest,loyal, spontaneous,independent,and warm-hearted.I love to meet new people and enjoying all life has to offer.

5 ft 8 and 132 lbs??? Not from the look of your profile pic you aint! Wink

. ETA my reply

Quote:

Dear Christ(man),

It's wonderful that you are involved in charity work. Whereabouts in Australia are you right now? I live in Yalbraith in New South Wales on a farm. I am in the middle of a divorce from my soon to be exhusband Nick, and we are currently fighting for control of the farm. I wish to sell it and move to Sydney, but Nick wants top move into the farm with his new lover (he left me for a 19 year old). The court is deciding who gets control of the farm, fingers crossed for me.

How are dealing with our Australian weather? It must be a change of pace after sunny Miami. It's very cold here in Yalbraith, which just adds to the loneliness I get being here all by myself. My niece is on her way up from Sydney (she's a bit of a whizz, she set all of this up for me), so it won't be so bad in a few hours time.

Ditz

Posted: Fri Jul 01, 2011 6:17 am

So laddo writes back, and surprise surprise, he's suddenly in Sydney:

Quote:

Hey,
Good to hear form you, i will like you to know that am in Sydney NSW...and how long are you going to come down....kindly send me an email... here is my [email protected]

Why does the line "The power of Christ compels you" keep popping into my head? Here's what I sent him back, seems Kathrin's a little hot under the collar:

Quote:

Hello Christ,

It is good to hear from you again. You are in Sydney?? That is wonderful news, Schatzi. You are only a few hours from my home, why don't you drive up to Yalbraith? It is a little cooler here in Yalbraith than the heatwave we are having here in the rest of New South Wales.

You could drive up, we could have a few drinks and then I could fuck your brains out! What do you say?

Current temperature in Yaibraith? 11.4*c Partly cloudy. Areas of frost and patchy fog this morning. Isolated showers and drizzle patches in the east. Winds E and light. Daytime maximum temperatures between 10 and 16. Yeah, quite a heatwave Wink

Posted: Fri Jul 01, 2011 8:59 am

Chrys wrote:

Quote:

Dear Christ, <snip>

You could drive up, we could have a few drinks and then I could fuck your brains out! What do you say?

Heh heh. The second coming.

Posted: Fri Jul 01, 2011 2:57 pm

I would have to bite his head off and feed my young with his remains afterwards though Wink

Posted: Fri Jul 01, 2011 5:22 pm

Are you still using the lovely photo of International Chrysis? The lad might decide to book a flight after all.

Posted: Fri Jul 01, 2011 6:41 pm

I am most certainly still using the photo of the lovely international chrysis. Hey I wouldn't stop him if he wanted to travel Wink

Posted: Sun Jul 03, 2011 5:34 am

Diddums gets back to me, he's in Sydney (he even gives me the address of the Grace Hotel in Sydney). His IP Address however says differently:

ipTRACKERonline.com wrote:

Header Analysis Quick Report Originating IP: 41.138.181.106 Originating ISP: Visafone Communications Limited City: Lagos Country of Origin: Nigeria

Quote:

Hey Kathrin,
Thanks for the mail,yes am still at Sydney..but i will be going back to the US by Monday...i don't mind coming to your homey kindly send me your Home address..Corner of York & King Streets, 77 York Street, Sydney NSW 2000....am sorry i got no car so i can drive down..am here for work and am in the Hotel right now...
I wait to hear from you soon..
Regards...
Christ...

Will edit in my spanner as soon as I work how to throw it into the works... and I came up with this: Wink

Quote:

Dear Christ,

It's a pity you leave for the US on Monday, as I could have met you in Sydney on Tuesday. I have stayed many times at the Grace Hotel, it is a wonderful place to stay when in Sydney, though nowdays I tend to stay with my darling niece at her place in Darlinghurst.

I would happily give you my address, but there is no point as by the time you arrived you would have to turn around and leave again for your trip to your home country. Although it is with much regret that I will no longer be able to communicate with you once you leave the country. I am looking for a permanent relationship and not a long distance love affair.

I wish you well in your search,

Ditz

Christ send this back:

Quote:

Hey Hon,
How are you doing today,yes i got your email,am so happy that you looking for a permanent relationship...any way i have said before,am here for work and i only sign 2weeks contract with them,so when i go back to the US..to end my contract then i will have to figure out when i will be back to your country,then plan to settle down. i will like to know you better than this ever to worries when i get back home i will make sure i contact you every day and also do you have any mesanger so that can chat all day..and also i will like to have your phone number so that i can call you day to day ok..
I wait to hear from you soon...
Many Kisses...
Christ...

Ho Hum, that was "nice"... Time to up the Ante. I send him a topless shot of International Chrysis and make it perfectly clear that I'll dump him if he leaves:

Quote:

Dear Christ,

While it is nice to hear from you, I must stress that I will not involve myself in a long distance relationship. I was badly hurt by my soon to be ex husband Nick, who started off as an long distance relationship. And I promised that I would never allow anyone to hurt me like he did ever again. So no, once you return to America, I will no longer have any contact with you.

If you were to stay here in Australia, I would look after you. I could get you out of the Grace Hotel and you could stay with me. I'm certain Sabrina would be happy to give you a lift to Yalbraith, we are very close. Though I must warn you, she drives like a maniac in that pink Subaru of hers, though I think all 21 year olds drive that way. She scares me when she drives...

Why not end your contract from here in Australia? Stay with me Christ, and I could make it worth your while. There are things I can do to you in the sack that are illegal in all five states! I must admit I have feelings for you, but I cannot, no will not be hurt again. I have attached a photo of myself from my younger days as a Model in my native Germany. I hope you like it.

I have no idea what this messenger thing is you speak of, but will ask Sabrina about it next time I see her. Think about my offer, I can be reached on <snipped, but it won't work>.

Ditz

You could say the Ditz decided to "Man up" Wink

Posted: Sun Jul 03, 2011 6:47 pm

Oh dear, so he will have to get mugged at the airport of Sydney just prior to departure? Mr. Green

Posted: Fri Jul 08, 2011 5:57 pm

internationalchrysis says:
''There are things I can do to you in the sack that are illegal in all five states! ''

Shocked

Blummin ummers! Quack! You as well? Welcome to the club.

Posted: Tue Jul 12, 2011 3:58 am

Thank you duck of doom, that made me laugh. Laddo has claimed to be back in the states, IP addy says he's moved alright, but only within Nigeria:

ipTRACKERonline.com wrote:

Header Analysis Quick Report
Originating IP: 41.71.147.84
Originating ISP: Visafone Communications Limited
City: Oshodi
Country of Origin: Nigeria

Quote:

Hey Hon,
I can't wait to meet you.. I was thinking about you here in US.I want you to know that even though we just met,I sincerely love the times we've spent talking and communicating by emailing.We have been expressing the honesty and truth about each other an this meant a lot to me. It truly seems like I've known you forever and I honestly can't imagine life without you now. There will be no looking back, no second thoughts and no regrets. I want you and need only you ... and that love will only grow stronger. Do not be scared my love. Sometimes life hits you with unexpected things that take you totally by surprise. All I can say is you're the best surprise life has given me and your capacity for love, caring, and understanding never ceases to amaze me. I've truly been blessed by finding you and I'll never let you go even if I have to bring myself to your home !
Your darling,
Christ...

The power of christ compels me... To tear him a new one! I send him this back Wink

Quote:

Dear Christ,

I had told you that I would not communicate with you if you left me for the states. I offered to put you up in my home if you chose to stay. I even sent you a naked photo of myself (that I have never sent to anyone else, but sent to you because I thought you were special) yet you still chose to leave me!

I am looking for a man, a REAL MAN, who stands by his words. I want a man who will be there for me, and not leave me for another country the first chance he gets. You have proven yourself to me that you are the same as every other man I've ever dealt with. And to think I was thinking we could be together, to celebrate the selling of the farm and look for a new property together in Sydney.

I feel so stupid for allowing myself to think you could be the one, my soulmate. I was so looking forward to us meeting up, spending time together, getting to know what I thought was my new found love, but you blew it Mr MAN! I guess I'll just have to find another man to share my new found wealth with.

To which I get this, feigning ignorance:

Quote:

Hey Honey...How are you doing today, i will like to know what is happen that i have not hear from you all this while and also ito inform you that i will be coming to Australia this weekend so kindly send me an email so that i can plan my coming down ok...
I wait to hear from you soon...
Kiss...
Christ..

I send this back:

Quote:

Christ

you obviously did NOT read the message I just sent you. You hurt me, after I promised myself I would not allow that to happen after my ex husband Nick left me for a 19 year old man you went and did it all over again.

I would need major proof of your love if I were to allow you into my life, I would also need proof that you are indeed coming to Australia. Prove it and I will consider allowing you into my life. If you don't I will have nothing to do with you ever again. I will be going soon, I need to get the papers on the farm settled so I can have the $552,000 from the proceeds of the farm transferred into my account.

Hopefully I dangled a reasonably large sized carrot Wink

Posted: Tue Jul 12, 2011 7:58 am

Begging for money to pay plane ticket coming up in 3 ... 2 ... 1 ...

Posted: Wed Jul 13, 2011 4:07 am

I get this back, I am SO determined to get this f**ker off script:

Quote:

Hello Kathrin

How you doing today ? Hope everything is fine with you .. I got all you have written in your previous messages sent to me, I understand you and your Ex want to divorce and you really want me to be with you for the rest of our life but presently you know we are both far away from each other and I will love to with you but i have not gotten my pay for the contract work done here . This payment will sent to my account in America , so i will like to know when you and your ex will finish your divorce thing because i wouldnt a suitation whereby i will be there with you and your ex will come and bowl my head off so after you have settle with your divorce issue then I will find my way down to Sydney so that we can meet in person because I believe much in face to face conservation than Internet talk ok.
I m also interested in a serious relationship with you and I will want it to lend to marriage , so then we can plan on how to invest on the money that you will get from your Ex . I cant even wait till when you call me for arrival .

I will like to ask you , if you live alone or stay with your husband .

I dont want to be committed then later you break my heart , baby i m scare because I dont want to hurt ok.

I will be waiting to hear from you soon
Kiss

My reply:

Quote:

Christ,

The Divorce was finalised last week, which is why I wasn't online during that time. I got full control of the farm which I placed on the market yesterday. It was valued three years ago at $320,000 so to sell it last week for $552,000 was a windfall that is for certain. And while I plan to celebrate tonight with my darling niece and my galpals, it will be bitter sweet, because the man I thought loved me is not here by my side to help me party.

I plan to move to sydney, possibly live near my darling niece, we have become so close recently. I asked her about messenger as you suggested, but she says that it's only used by Pervy old men, and something called a scammer. She didn't say what that is though. I don't like the sound of that, so I think I won't use it. Besides you have my phone number you could ring me if you ever return to Australia. But as I said in my last message, I need someone who will never let me down, who will be here when I want them to be here, and so far you're not fitting the bill. Why not just get your funds transferred to Australia. My ex husband Nick was based at Ramstein, that's how I met him. He had his money paid to his elderly mother in Crystal Lake in florida every week, without problems. why can't you do the same?

I LOVE hope he calls himself christ. I seriously doubt this thread will pop up, even if he googles himself. 268 million hits Smile

Posted: Wed Jul 13, 2011 11:08 am

Scammer said:

Quote:

face to face conservation

I love a lad who cares about animals. Face to face with an angry hippopotomus would be nice!

Posted: Thu Jul 14, 2011 6:13 am

Oh I don't know, a scared elephant or a hungry lion could work well also Wink

Posted: Mon Jul 18, 2011 3:28 am

So I get a reply from Christ. Noticing the Subject line has "ODP" in front of the usual crap, I do a header search and suddenly find my lad is in Poland! His english is as crap as ever though:

Quote:

hey hon how are you doing today,i will be come down by thurday kindly give me your phone number so that i can call you when i get there...
I wait to hear from you soon...
Kiss
christ..

ipTRACKERonline.com wrote:

[b]Header Analysis Quick Report
Originating IP: 80.239.243.96
Originating ISP: Opera Software ASA
City: n/a
Country of Origin: Poland

I plan to get upset that he didn't remember I'd given it to him. ETA: My reply:

Quote:

Dear Christ

I must say that I'm disappointed that you don't remember I'd already given you my number. And wile it is a moot point (as I am no longer in Yalbraith), it hurts that you chose not to keep it. Right now I am in Darlinghurst, staying with my darling niece Sabrina while I look for a property to purchase in Sydney somewhere. I must say that I will not miss the satellite phone, which worked when it wanted to.

Right now, I am without a phone while Sabrina and I hunt for a decent phone plan for something called an iPhone. Apparently it's the must have phone, and when I get one, I will let you know what the number is, though you must promise me you'll actually try to remember the phone number this time.

I must go now, Sabrina says I'll be able to use the phone to check my emails, I'm very excited about it, though looking at the brochure, I wonder how you make a phone call. It doesn't have any keys!

Ditz

Posted: Tue Jul 19, 2011 3:56 am

Lad gets back to me:

Quote:

Hey Bab..
How are you doing today?hope all is well with you and Sabrina?i do have your number but is not going here is the number <snipped, but fake and without international dialling codes>you give me and i was thinking you miss a number/something or you need to put the area code with it..so when you get the new one kindly call me on this number <snipped, but an African number and NOT american> ok...
I wait to hear from you soon...

Kisses..
Christ...

Lad is too lazy to even type babe. I send him this back:

Quote:

Dear Christ,

That number no longer works, because I have left Yalbraith and traded in my satellite phone, silly billy! But I will have international calls barred on the iPhone I think. Sabrina says it's too expensive, unless you get a really good phone plan. I will give my new number when I get it.

I must run for now, I have put down a deposit on a property in Sydney. Sabrina has said that if I could find a two bedroom apartment we could move in together. Schatzi, Sabrina is like the daughter I never had. She would save so much on expenses and I would have a very tech savvy young woman by my side. I have to give her the good news. It IS a bit sparse right now, but a few women's touches will fix it. what do you think?

http://www.realestate.com.au/property-apartment-nsw-sydney-404089125

Kathrin

While the real estate link is real and a deposit HAS been put on it, it certainly wasn't by me, who can't even afford the crappy flat I live in. I kept it downbeat to make it believable. Somehow, I would LOVE to have Sabrina enter into this...

Posted: Wed Jul 20, 2011 12:48 pm

'' Somehow, I would LOVE to have Sabrina enter into this...''

Well, I for one would be happy to be Sabrina! Mind you, I just may give some secrets away about your past!
If you decide you want a three ways thingy with him, you and Sabrina, I'm your girl.
I can't do the trace thingies and the tech stuff yet, but my imagination is Awesome!

Posted: Thu Jul 21, 2011 3:44 am

No no, I introduce Sabrina myself, always have. She's 21, tech savvy and completely psychotic! and her photo for some reason reminds me of 80's popstar Sabrina salerno Wink

Will edit in his response soon, as soon as I think of a way to use sabrina to scare the living shit out of him... I've done it before Smile

His repsonse:

Quote:

Hello Hon,
How are you doing today?ok when you get the phone kindly call me ok..how is sabrina and how are you doing too,and can you send the picture of the new appartment? and a Sabrina Picture too...i can't really say's right now..and i hope you both like the new places.
I can't wait to join you down there..

Kiss Christ...

So, in the end I give him a slap for not paying attention, and then I introduce Sabrina:

Quote:

Dear Christ,

Sometimes I think you don't read a word I say! I sent you the link for the new apartment, it has pictures in it!

I will ask if it is okay to send you pictures of Sabrina. She is very much her own woman, and since she gets a lot of male attention because she is so attractive we tend to screen out people's requests for photos. The last to ask for her picture turned to be 80 years old, Sabrina is barely 21.

I have cc'ed her (I love that, sabrina taught me how), and she will get back to you later today!

Ditz

Later on today, I will introduce him to the "Joys" that is Sabrina... Well, he DID ask Wink

And an hour or so later, sabrina gets back to him:

Quote:

Christ (you Spanish or something, with a name like that?)

Why you asking for photos of me? You some kinda pervy old man who gets their jollys from perving of photos of 21 year olds? Or you really into my Aunt, I can't quite tell yet

From what I've read, you seem okay, but if you hurt my aunt I will hunt you down and seriously f*ck you over! She's been through a lot in the last few years, with the death of my mum, and the divorce from Nick (just 'cos he's my Uncle, doesn't mean I have to like him) really hit Aunt Kathrin bad mate. So yeah, don't screw this up, for your sake

Psycho bitch

Posted: Thu Jul 21, 2011 9:38 am

Ahh…the beautiful, no-nonsense Sabrina. And her top ten hit "Lads, Lads, Lads" Poor mugu. He won't know whether to shit or piss by the time you're done, Chrys.

Posted: Fri Jul 22, 2011 2:29 am

I sure hope so Phil. That's the purpose of Sabrina after all Wink

Posted: Thu Jul 28, 2011 8:29 am

I get two emails from christ with exactly the same message:

Quote:

Hey Hon,
am sorry for the late reply, i have reply your sister and she so wonder full i can't wait to meet you all...
I will send you a mail later ok...
Kiss..
Christ..

I send this back, with the subject header "My sister???" (LANGUAGE WARNING):

Quote:

Dear Christ,

I hope you got that wrong, as my only sister has been dead for three years now! Do you mean my niece, Sabrina? It's funny, because I asked her if you'd got in touch and her exact words were "some f*cking c*nt got in touch, but I don't trust him. I think it's just another pervy wanker trying to get a pic".

Was that you? Did you ask for her modelling pics? I hope not, she's VERY touchy about them nowadays, due to the number of strange men that ask for them via the magazine she modelled for.

I would get back in touch and become close to Sabrina if you can. I am having trouble with the company I bought my phone from. It is on a plan, but it not working at all and they refuse to replace it. I am trying to get out of my contract with them, so I can get a phone and ring you. At the moment all calls to me go through Sabrina's phone while I sort out this problem. I will ask her once you get in touch again to allow you to ring me via her phone.

And for the record, they have cheap phones (including iPhones), but would not recommend going through Broadband and Phones. They were terrible!

Ditz

Posted: Thu Jul 28, 2011 5:36 pm

It's great to come back from a short trip and find Sabrina at large. jump_4_joy

Posted: Fri Jul 29, 2011 2:06 pm

Christ has taken on board he needs to deal with Sabrina:

Quote:

Hey,
Sorry for the late reply, i have been very busy,yes i got your mail and am from USA..lol i just want to see your face that all am into your aunt ok... i will never hot her and i will be happy to meet both of you soon..
Kiss..
Christ..

And sends this to the ditz:

Quote:

Hey Hon,
Good to hear from you, yes i was thinking she your sister and sorry about your sister may her soul rest in peace... about your Niece Sabrina, i got no interested in her it's you i want not her...
I did not ask her for any of her modelling pic's...i don't even know if she into model or not..okay when you have her number i can call you ok...can you give me the website of the company that you brought your phone from?
I wait to hear from you soon..
Kiss..Hugs....Much Love..
Christ...

Sabrina gets back to him. She's suitably unimpressed:

Quote:

You want to see my face? Sure that's all men say! Ever since my boobs sprouted on my 1`6th birthday the last thing men want to see is my face. And why is Kathrin asking to let me give you my phone number? This is all too creepy

Sabrina

I thought he'd sent two emails of the same thing, but upon checking it's a seperate email... Bolding is mine:

Quote:

Hey Hon,
It's the end of the day and I was thinking about you here in Nigeria.I want you to know that even though we just met,I sincerely love the times we've spent talking and communicating by emailing.We have been expressing the honesty and truth about each other an this meant a lot to me. It truly seems like I've known you forever and I honestly can't imagine life without you now. There will be no looking back, no second thoughts and no regrets. I want you and need only you ... and that love will only grow stronger. Do not be scared my love. Sometimes life hits you with unexpected things that take you totally by surprise. All I can say is you're the best surprise life has given me and your capacity for love, caring, and understanding never ceases to amaze me. I've truly been blessed by finding you and I'll never let you go even if I have to bring myself to your home !
Your darling,
Kiss..Hugs..Much Love..
Christ

NIGERIA??? Time to tear him a new one! My response, under the subject heading of "NIGERIA???":

Quote:

You told me you were in the states, you also told Sabrina the same thing. Now you say you are in Nigeria??? If you've lied to me about something as basic as that, what else have you lied to me about? This changes everything

Ditz

Oops! How's he going to get his money now Wink

Posted: Fri Jul 29, 2011 7:08 pm

Oooops - you got him so confused he left out an important part of his script. Now he is sweating to find a realllllly good excuse. Mr. Green

Master Baiter Joined: 09 Jun 2011 Posts: 197

hehehe, I wonder how he´ll explain this now

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