Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day

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Posted: Fri Jun 17, 2011 2:41 pm

Posted: Fri Jun 17, 2011 4:05 pm

Levels of stress

You pick up a hitchhiker, a beautiful girl. Suddenly she faints inside your car and you take her to hospital. Now that's stressful.

But at the hospital , they say she is pregnant & congratulate you that you are going to be a father.
You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are. This is getting very stressful,

So then...... you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father.
After the tests are completed, the doctor says that you are infertile, and probably have been since birth. You are extremely stressed but relieved.

On your way back home, you think about your 3 kids at home.

NOW THAT'S STRESS!!

Posted: Fri Jun 17, 2011 4:08 pm

Wife was sure that her husband was cheating on her with the maid so she laid a trap.
One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend & didn't tell the husband.
That night when they went to bed the husband gave the old story: Excuse me my dear, my stomach, and went to the bathroom.
The wife promptly went into the maid's bed.
She switched the lights off.
When in he came silently, he wasted no time or words but quickly got on top of her...
When he finished & still panting, the wife said: "You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?", and switched on the light...
"No madam", said the gardener

Posted: Fri Jun 17, 2011 4:12 pm

Dave was staring sadly into his pint and sighed heavily.
"What's up Dave" asked the Landlord.
"It's not like you to be so down in the mouth"
"It's my four year old son." the man replied.
"Don't tell me, he's in trouble for fighting in school? - my lad's just the same - forget about it, it happens to boys that age" said the landlord, sympathetically.

"I only wish it was that" continued the customer, "but it's far worse than that. The little b*stard has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbour pregnant."

"Get away, that's impossible!" gasped the landlord
"It's not" said the man. "The little prick stuck a pin in all my condoms"

Posted: Fri Jun 17, 2011 7:10 pm

How do you kill a blue elephant?
With a blue elephant gun.

How do you kill a red elephant?
Choke it 'til it turns blue, then use a blue elephant gun.

How do you kill a green elephant?
Enrage it 'til it turns red, then choke it 'til it turns blue, then use a blue elephant gun.

How do you kill a purple elephant?
Don't be stupid, there's no such thing.

Posted: Fri Jun 17, 2011 7:11 pm

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford ...

"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here,
years ago.
Red meat is full of steroids and dye.
Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But, there is one
thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me
what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
"Wedding Cake."

Posted: Sat Jun 18, 2011 7:43 pm

5 pearls of Scottish wisdom

1. Money cannot buy happiness but somehow, it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes Benz than it is on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy but remember the bastard’s name.

3. Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problem, but then neither does milk.

Posted: Mon Jun 20, 2011 4:30 pm

A lawyer arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a Stay of Execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it', and on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

She said, "They're not hanging Wright tonight..."

He blurted out, "For the love of God, woman, don't you ever stop bitching..."

Posted: Mon Jun 20, 2011 4:37 pm

a blind man walks into a fish store, sniffs and says: hey there beautiful

Posted: Mon Jun 20, 2011 7:13 pm

A young couple bought a parrot, but quickly discovered that
he could cause them a lot of embarrassment. Every time
someone came to the house, he would tell them what the
couple had been up to, particularly what went on in the
evenings on the sofa.
“That’s it, I’ve had enough,” said the man, “from now on,
you’ll be covered up early in the evening so you can’t see
what’s going on. Otherwise, it’s the zoo for you.”
A few days later, the couple decided to go away for a week’s
holiday so they spent the evening packing and of course
filled the suitcase to overflowing.
“I’ve got an idea,” said the man. “I’ll get on top, press down
as much as I can and you can tell me what’s happening.” But
the case wouldn’t close.
“This is no good,” remarked the wife.
“Here, let me have a go, I’ll get on top and we’ll see if it’s any
better.”
Still they couldn’t get the case to close, so the man said,
“Let’s both get on top, bounce up and down and maybe
that’ll work.”
Suddenly the parrot pulled off the cage cover and squawked,
“I’ll take my chances at the zoo, but this I’ve just got to see?”

Posted: Mon Jun 20, 2011 7:15 pm

I went to the doctor's office the other day and found out that

my new doctor is a young female and drop-dead gorgeous!

I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a

Professional - I've seen it all before."

Just tell me what's wrong and I'll "check it out."

I said. "My wife thinks my Penis tastes funny."

Posted: Mon Jun 20, 2011 7:15 pm

What's the definition of a nervous wreck ?

A man who has House payments , Car payments , A Wife , and a girlfriend.........

and there all a Month Late !!

Posted: Mon Jun 20, 2011 7:17 pm

Staying overnight at a prestigious hotel, the couple were
disturbed by the dreadful noise coming from downstairs.
The man was soon on the phone to reception.
“What’s all this noise about, I’ve spent a lot of money coming
here and I don’t expect to be kept awake all night by that
racket.”
“I’m very sorry, Sir,” said the receptionist, “they’re holding
the Policeman’s Ball.”
“Well, tell them to leave the bugger alone, so we can get
some sleep.”

Posted: Wed Jun 22, 2011 5:46 am

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Ohio State University,
has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the sh1t out of him.

Posted: Thu Jun 23, 2011 5:46 pm

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan . 'This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.

I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.

Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.'

No one moved.

The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood?

Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory.

Now stand and confess your transgression.'

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic...rose from the third pew.

Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, 'Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.'

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the Congregation roared!

Posted: Sat Jun 25, 2011 12:11 pm

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive
woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the
gentleman who is seated over there.'.... And indicated the sender with a nod
of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man,
then decided to send a reply to him by a note..
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her
and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in
your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants'.

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.
He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it
to the lady.

It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a
Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several
garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch
in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and
portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off
three inches. Just send the wine back.

Posted: Sun Jun 26, 2011 1:35 pm

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?

A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.

Q.. Where will the government get this money ?

A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?

A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. economy by spending your stimulus cheque wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China , Taiwan or Sri Lanka .

* If you spend it on petrol, your money will go to the Arabs.

* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China .

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala ..

* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .

* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .

* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in the UK by:

1) Spending it at car boot sales, or

2) Going to night clubs, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Buy Beer or whiskey, or

5) Get yourself a Tattoo, or

6) Visit a bookie.

(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )

Conclusion:

Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night !

Posted: Sun Jul 03, 2011 8:38 am

These are comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS.... 16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

Posted: Tue Jul 05, 2011 9:00 pm

Confession.

A priest was conducting his normal confessions one afternoon when he heard someone enter the confessional.

Voice: "Father I have something to tell you."

Priest: "Tell me what is on your mind."

Voice: "Father, I am an eighty-five year old man and I am having a torrid love affair with a beautiful and shapely twenty year old woman!"

Priest: "Well that's...."

The priest hesitates because he recognizes the voice from his neighborhood.

Priest: "Wait a minute! Mr Donaldson?"

Voice: "Yes that's me."

Priest: "You're not Catholic! You're Jewish! Why the heck are you telling me?"

Voice: "Heck, I'm telling EVERYBODY!!!!!!"

Posted: Sun Jul 10, 2011 1:43 pm

Business men

A popular airline recently introduced a special half rate fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips.

Expecting great feedback, the company sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.

Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

Posted: Sun Jul 10, 2011 1:47 pm

Retirement...

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.

Harold Schlumberg of Century Village Boca is such a person

THIS IS QUOTED FROM HAROLD:

"I have often been asked, 'What do you do now that you're retired?'

Well...I am fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and whiskey into urine. It's rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling. I do it every day and I really enjoy it."

Harold should be an inspiration to us all.

Posted: Sun Jul 10, 2011 5:54 pm

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help pass the time during their stays. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the Grandma Moses of prison. Then he asked the first: "What did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned saying, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin—any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled.

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What on earth can you do with those?"

He grinned, pointing to the box, and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating..."

Posted: Mon Jul 11, 2011 9:31 am

Modern Machines

A salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, $20.00.' "Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.' The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out Fifteen seconds later it shut off. With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his member... which now had a button sewed on the end.

Posted: Mon Jul 11, 2011 10:05 am

Dear diary: thief makes record of armed robbery

Quote:

Portsmouth Crown Court heard Ochola was arrested after police found an entry on the date of his raid reading simply: "Go Portsmouth. Robbery Happens."

Posted: Mon Jul 11, 2011 7:47 pm

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree.
After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.
The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.
Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

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